What the Rational Mind Cannot Reconcile
by Professor Black 04
Summary: In the years following Claire, Jamie haunts the stones, yet instead of Claire, he meets another woman, from an even more modern age. When she cannot return to her own time, Jamie marries her. Will they manage to make a life together, or will their past forever follow them?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: this story is just rambling in my mind...

Disclaimer: Do not own...

**Chapter 1**:

"Lassie, are ye alright?" Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser put a tentative hand on her shoulder. "He didn't hurt ye, did he?"

"Whom are you referring to?" She looked at the man who Murtagh had so handily knocked to the floor with a swing of his fist.

He knelt beside the chair that she had collapsed in. "Where is Jamie?"

She gave a small shrug of her shoulder, "He left."

"Fergus!" Murtagh hollered.

Fergus rushed into the room and assessed the situation. He muttered an expletive, before running his hand through his dark curls.

"ye ken where Jamie is?" Murtagh asked Fergus, his hand still on her shoulder, his grip tightening when he realized how fiercely she was trembling.

"Mi Lord left perhaps thirty minutes ago. He didn't say where he was going or when he would return."

"He just left the lassie here to fend for herself?" Murtagh looked angry. "She dinnae ken aboot our time. And this ruffin was up the lassie's skirts when I came in."

Her face reddened and Murtagh looked at her apologetically, "Dinnae fash, lassie. Tis not yer fault."

He pulled up another chair. "Find Jamie, lad," Murtagh snapped. "now."

He sat across from her. "May I call ye Ellie?"

"Of course."

"Ye can call me Murtagh if ye like," he said, gruffly. "Why did Jamie leave?"

She swallowed hard, twisting a piece of her hair that had come out of her ponytail. "I don't know. He was upset, I think. Apparently, he didn't want to be hand-fasted as much as I didn't want to." Her lip trembled. "I have to go home, Murtagh." she twisted the rings on her fingers. "I have to go home. I have a life and a family. I feel like this is some awful dream and my mind..." she closed her eyes, "I can't process what has happened in the past twelve hours. I cannot as hard as I try. I woke up in the year 2019 and now...there is not way I can reason this out...none at all."

"How auld are ye?" he asked.

"Thirty-three" she said, twisting her rings more. "Ancient for these times, I assume."

Murtagh gave her a small smile, "Aye for sure for an unmarrit lassie, but ye been marrit before. Ye marrit for long?"

"ten years," she said, rubbing her fist against her head. "Why won't it let me back through?"

"I dinnae ken how it works," Murtagh admitted. "Ye aren't British," he commented. "Where are ye from?"

"I'm American," Eleanor replied, then amended, "from the colonies. I guess American doesn't exist yet."

"No, lass" Murtagh said.

"I was in the highlands on a vacation. My husband was studying at university and we had taken a trip up to the highlands. I saw somebody- it looked like a woman. She was disappearing and I grabbed on to her to try to save her and somehow," she scratched her forehead. "This is so unbelievably stupid." She looked at the man on the floor, "I see why you insisted I have protection. But why were _you_ at the stones?"

"The lad...he has us watch them during certain times, in case," he waved a dismissive hand, "_Claire_." he grunted.

"His wife?"

"Aye." Murtagh paused, "I shouldn't be interferrin but since I insisted the dunderheid take ye on, I feel responsible for ye."

She took a breath. "Jamie is...he was..." she looked unsure. "Is it typical for here?"

"Was he not considerate with ye, lassie?"

She hesitated. "I think he felt guilty about Claire. I can relate."

"Now ye needn't fash aboot that, lassie."

"I don't know what I am doing here, though. I don't even know how to talk to him. I'm from the 21st century. Men aren't quite as...dominating."

Murtagh looked taken aback. "I will deal with the lad. As soon as Fergus finds him." he gave a deep frown. "Dinnae fash lass, it will all work out."

"You are really kind," she commented. "thank you."

Murtagh scowled, "nobody has ever called me that."

She chuckled, in spite of the gravity of what had happened, "well, there is a first time for everything. I have never traveled two hundred and fifty years through time before."

Murtagh's look softened, "Aye lassie, ye are right."

* * *

Jamie returned an hour later, Fergus having stood guard and Murtagh going to talk to him.

Eleanor looked up from her perch on the chair to the man whose presence dominated the small room.

"Thank you, Fergus," Jamie said, quietly. "Can ye see that we are prepared to leave tomorrow?"

"Yes, mi Lord," Fergus looked to Ellie, "Goodnight, mi lady."

"Goodnight, Fergus," Ellie gave a small smile, twisting her ponytail in which she had haphazardly placed up her short brown hair in the only hair tie she had in this new world she found herself in. "Thank you for keeping watch."

Fergus nodded and left them alone.

A contrite hand through his red curls. "Lass, are ye hurt?" he asked, his voice low. "Murtagh said there was trouble."

"I will be fine," Eleanor said, her sweater from earlier in the day wrapped firmly around her. Her shoulders slumped forward. She had put her pants back on after Murtagh left, unable to bear her state of undress any longer- a reminder of vulnerable she was in this new word...well, this old word. "God, is this some sort of awful dream?"

"Did...the man... did he hurt ye?" Jamie asked, tentatively.

"He didn't...not quite. Almost. Murtagh stopped him." She bit her lip. Finally, she looked up, "_Why am I here_?"

Jamie sat heavily on the bed, "I don't reckon that I ken that. I don't have the answers ye seek."

"I have a life, Jamie. A marriage. A good one. I am a teacher. I'm a..." her voice caught, unable to go on. "I don't know European history. I took a class in college, but I don't quite remember that. It was so long ago. I don't know about this time. I'm an American, for God's sake. From a different time. People will know. They'll accuse me of...do they still burn witches?" she shuddered at the thought, picturing her death.

"Aye, lass. Are ye a witch?"

"Of course not!" she grunted. "I'm Presbyterian."

"Are ye now?" he looked troubled.

Her mouth dropped. "That's what bothers you more than if I was a witch?" Ellie asked, incredulously. "Good Lord. What are you?"

Jamie sat up straighter, "I'm a Papist."

"Hum, Catholic." she chewed on her lip. "We believe in the same God, you know."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "But..."

She cut him off, "How does God fit into this? How am I going to survive?"

"Don't panic, lass," Jamie looked resolute. "I will help ye, Eleanor. Ye have me word. If ye can't go back, I will help ye."

"And why on earth would you do that?" she asked, her tone still holding her disbelief.

"Well, I can't leave ye be. Not now that I ken what happened. And now that we are hand-fasted and we," Jamie gave her an apologetic grin, "About that...I was a dunderheid. Will ye forgive me, Eleanor?"

Her face blushed before she could help herself. "Tonight was hard for both of us."

"Aye," Jamie affirmed. "I did not realize...that I would feel so guilty."

"Claire must have been very special."

He rose, "Aye, well, am I forgiven or not?"

She rose as well. "If you will forgive me as well. I perhaps spoke out of turn to Murtagh."

"Aye, I ken all about that. He likes you, Ellie. And he doesn't like many," Jamie begin removing his breeches. "Come to bed, lassie. It is late and we have a day of hard riding ahead. Ye look shattered. Ye need yer rest."

"Where are we going?" Ellie looked at the rumpled bed, dubiously. "Should we check for bed bugs?"

Jamie gave a hearty laugh. "We have already used the bed. Damage already done if there are wee buggies in there. Come now, don't be skittish."

Ellie sighed and made her way over to the bed, and then laid down, curling up the furthest away from Jamie's overpowering form as she could. The man was massive in height and solid as can be.

Jamie sighed in turn at the fact that she didn't even attempt to undress or get under the blankets, and the night was cold. He turned towards her back. "I will not harm ye nor allow any other man to harm ye either. Will ye not believe me?"

"I believe you," Ellie said, softly, then turned back into him. "It's just, I woke up in the year 2019 and now...the rational mind cannot reconcile it, and" she swallowed hard, "I miss my family."

"Your husband."

"Yes...and," Ellie stopped, her voice heady with emotion. She was unable to continue.

"Aye, I ken that well," Jamie reached out to brush a stray hair from her face. "I'm takin ye home to my family...to Lallybroch."

She swallowed hard. "But, should I try the stones again?"

"We tried. Ye said ye sat there with yer hand on the stones for hours."

"Its unfathomable to me that I am just stuck here, Jamie." She sniffed hard.

"Aye," Jamie stroked her hair, soothingly. "But ye are."

"What will your family say?"

"Jenny has been wanting me to marry again for a long while," Jamie said. "And Ian accepts anybody. And with Murtagh and Fergus on yer side, ye dinnae need to worry, lass."

She nodded.

"Now, sleep," he commanded, his voice turning serious.

She closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift off into a fretful sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Ellie woke up to a gentle shaking, which became more persistent when she groaned and tried to cover her head with the pillow.

"There's bannocks. We leave soon," Jamie said, sitting on the bed next to her. "Come on, lass." He took the pillow from her head.

She made a startled sound, but managed to roll over and push herself up to sit. She looked around, taking in the 18th century furniture and the large man with red curls and stubbly reddish blonde beard in front of her. "I thought it was a dream. Oh, God." The past 24 hours came flooding back in a rush of images and memories.

_"We can't just leave her, lad."_

_"She's all alone, mi Lord."_

_"I have to go back. I have to go back."_

_"I canna just take a lass home with me. Jenny would be mad with questions."_

_"Jenny willna question a wife once she sees yer content. And the lass needs yer protection."_

_"Ye marry her, Murtagh, not I."_

_"Tis the honorable thing. She will never survive. Look at her. And ye need a wife, lad. Ye need one badly, much more than I."_

_"I have a wife."_

_"No, lad, ye don't. She isn't even born yet."_

_"Damn yer meddlin. Give me yer hands lass."_

_"Why should I trust you?"_

_"I don't see ye have a choice in the matter. But I know yer secret. And I know the way of things."_

_"What's in it for you?"_

_"That's for me to know. But I will not force ye. Ye can leave us now and fend for yerself."_

_"Fine. You are right. I am way over my head."_

_"Just, let's get this over with, lass."_

"Oh, Lord help me." she groaned as the memories flooded her mind. She had traveled through time and now she was married to a 18th century highlander.

Jamie's smile was small, "Ye need to eat, ye'll feel better with food in yer belly," He reached over and shoved in bannock in her hand. "Take a bite."

She took a small bite, then another. She eyed the man who she had just met a short 24 hours again. "How far is Lallybroch?"

"A few days ride," Jamie said, "We'll camp most nights. The weather will be wet, but not frigid at night."

She swallowed hard, "I feel like I am leaving the last link to my family."

Jamie nodded, "Aye," he said, standing, "I can see why you would think that. But technically speaking, they don't exist."

She made a face, "Comforting."

"I got ye some clothes."

"Thank you," She looked over to the garments draping the chair. "I don't suppose there is an instruction manual for those," she asked, wryly.

Jamie looked resolute, "I will help ye dress. Show ye the proper way. We can't risk ye revealing ye ken not our ways especially when we get to Lallybroch. The fire is still going. We'll burn yer clothes."

"Must we?" As silly as it was, it was one of her last links to home.

"It's the safest way. Ye dinnae want to be caught with that in yer possession and try to explain away this one. And let me take yer rings. I'll keep them safe."

At her stricken look, he continued, "The diamond ring, it will set ye apart when ye want to blend in. The silver one, ye can keep on if ye like. I know it must be hard to remove yer marriage ring."

She swallowed her bite of bannock, it lumping down her throat. "It is, but you're right. Just take both though," she began twisting her rings, trying to get them to loosen. When they finally slid up her fingers, she handed them to Jamie's outstretched hand. He slipped it into his pocket.

They sat in each others presence, Eleanor trying to choke down pieces of bannock, while Jamie continued to watch her. Finally, he said,

"Come Eleanor, it's time. The others are waiting."

Eleanor took a breath and stood. Another breath and she slipped off her sweater, handing it to Jamie who was by the fire, stoking it. She slipped the pink flowered blouse over her head and tossed it to Jamie.

"Claire told me about that," Jamie said, curiously looking at her bra. "Is that comfortable?"

"In a way, yes. In a way no," her blush was deep at his scrutiny. She had wore bikinis when she was younger, but since hitting her thirties, she felt more of the need to cover up, to hide the extra pounds that she was carrying. "I don't usually wear it at night, but I was so tired..."

Jamie adverted his eyes at her embarrassment and reached down to grab the shift from the chair and walked over to hand it to her. "First layer."

"Thank you," her voice was hoarse as she unhooked her bra, slid the shift over her head and then untangled her bra from under the shift and went to throw the bra into the fire herself.

"Like, so I wear nothing under it?" she asked, frowning slightly at the thought.

"Aye."

"Okay, how do I stay warm? she asked as she unbuttoned her pants and tossed them to Jamie and then slid her panties off and threw them in herself.

"Stockings," he said, handing them to her. "Put them on."

She sat down on the end of the bed and rolled up the stockings. "Now what?"

He cleared his throat, "Come and stand in front of me."

She stood and moved slowly next to him. He took the stays and wrapped it around her middle. "I'll lace them fer ye, but tell me if it is too tight."

She nodded, a lump in her throat. He was awfully close to her.

He talked quietly to her as he did, but she wasn't even comprehending what he was saying, her mind once again spiraling.

He slowly turned her around. "Arms up, lass."

She obediently raised her arms, and he slid the warm dress over her head. "There ye are. Questions?"

She swallowed again, "Loads."

A small smile again, "About this, lass."

"Nothing at the moment."

"Good," he picked up a heavy cloak which was nearby. He swung it around her shoulders and pinned it closed. "There ye are."

"Do I look presentable?"

Jamie studied her, "Aye, just maybe fix yer hair."

"I can't make it grow."

"No, but," he handed her a brush. "Brush it out and tie part of it up with the ribbon if ye can't get all of it. And eat more. And take care of ye needs before ye leave. It's a long ride and we won't be stopping often," he warned.

"Are men here always so bossy?" she asked, her lips pursed, but she was only half annoyed.

He winked at her, "I'll come back in a few minutes for ye."

"Very well," she said. "I'll be ready."

* * *

Murtagh and Fergus were outside with the horses.

Murtagh gave her a look over and a nod of approval. "That will do, lad," he told Jamie.

He put the blankets on the horse, arranging them carefully. "How are ye feelin, lassie? Did ye sleep?" he said to her, as Eleanor went to stroke the horse, gently while Jamie went over to prepare his own horse.

"I slept okay. I woke up thinking I was..." she paused, "somewhere else."

"It will take time to get yer bearings."

"I'm sure." She looked over at Jamie, who was talking to Fergus, putting blankets on an absolutely massively tall horse. She bit her lip, "I don't know how to ride." she confessed to Murtagh, a catch in her voice, "I didn't tell Jamie."

"Of course, ye'll ride with Jamie."

"His horse is so high," she didn't try to hide her worry.

Murtagh chuckled. "Jamie rides well, lassie. He won't let ye fall."

At the sound of his name, Jamie looked over to wear Murtagh and Eleanor where talking. He strode over to her, confidently and took her by the arm, pushing her with him. "Come with me," he said, his tone light, but at the same time, serious. He wasn't giving her time to dwell on her fears of the unknown.

"Give me yer foot."

"Jamie, there is no way, I can hoist myself onto that thing. Trust me, I'm not the most coordinated or graceful or..." she stopped at the look he was giving her- there was a twinkle in his eye, but his expression never waved.

"Don't argue with me," he said, but not unkindly. "not over something that cannae be helped. Give me yer foot, lass."

She stepped into his hand and she felt herself being lifted onto the horse, Jamie hopping up, behind her. His arms were tight around her waist, his muscles securing her in place.

"Do ye feel like yer going to fall?" he asked, in her ear.

"No," she whispered.

"Then relax, yer as jittery as a newborn calf," he said.

"Everything alright, lad?" Murtagh asked, not bothering to hide his amusement at their interaction.

"Just fine. Let's go home," Jamie steered the horse and they were on their way.

* * *

They rode in silence. After about an hour, Ellie finally broke the silence. "I'm an introvert."

"An intro-what?" Jamie asked, curiously.

"It takes me a while to talk easily to new people that I meet and I don't do well with lots of people. I usually won't say something unless you say something to me."

"I'm not really that way," Jamie said, "It's just I sensed ye needed the quiet."

She shifted her back.

"Try leaning back against me," he said. "The way ye are twisting yer back cannae be good."

Eleanor relaxed into him. "I wasn't realizing I was, but yes, you are right."

"An introvert," Jamie rolled the word over his tongue. "And what are ye if ye can talk easily to anyone?"

"An extrovert," Ellie replied. "My husband was more of one. He made friends alot easier than I did. I had a few close friends, but I wasn't one you would want to invite to a party."

"So, ye feel shy around me?"

She chuckled, "Yes, you could say that. Actually, I knew Will was the one, when I didn't feel shy around him on our first date."

"What's a date?" Jamie asked.

Ellie paused, trying to think how to phrase it, "when a girl and a boy are interested in each other, they ask each other to go on...outings. Like...courting, I suppose."

"Hum," Jamie said, his voice low, "Well, considering we are now bound to each other, maybe we need to talk to each other. My sister will be asking all sorts of questions if ye and I don't say two words to each other."

"Okay," Ellie said, slowly, "but first, you are going to have to give me a crash course on 18th century Scotland. Politics, culture, religion...I need _everything_."

Murtagh had fallen beside them and he looked over to her, curiously, "she is a canny lass, is she not, Jamie?"

"Aye," Jamie said, "Are ye educated, lass?"

"Yes. Actually, my college was one of the oldest in the America."

"So, it exists now?"

Ellie smiled at the thought, "Yes, it does. It's in the colony of Virginia."

"What did you study?" Murtagh asked.

"I'm a teacher, so I studied to become a teacher," Ellie explained, "And I also majored in Psychology."

Murtagh and Jamie exchanged a look.

"Studying people and their mind, the way they work and why and such," Ellie explained, "All aspects of human behavior. I took other classes with government and literature and history, but my majors where psych and education."

"I see," Jamie said, slowly. "And they send women to school for that?"

"Yes and _men_," She tried to crane her neck around to look at him, but Jamie held her fast, "Don't wiggle so, you'll likely fall."

"I thought you said I wouldn't."

"As long as ye stay still like a good wee lassie," Murtagh interjected for Jamie. "Now, explain this foolishness."

"It wasn't all foolishness," Ellie looked at Murtagh who was giving her a skeptical look. "I learned to become a teacher. That's practical."

"And how can a lassie of yer size control yer pupils?" Murtagh asked.

"Quite well, actually," Ellie retorted. "I was actually good at my job, much better than..." she paused, "other things."

"I'm sure ye were, lass," Murtagh said, "I can see ye certainly have the mind for it."

"Will you tell me what I need to know?" Ellie said, "I know about American history during this time, but not much about European except when it affected the United States...like taxes and such and unfair government laws without representation."

"Aye, we ken all aboot that," Murtagh said. "Go ahead, lad, enlighten the lass."

"Aye, very well," Jamie said, "I suppose I must."

He began her crash course of Scottish history of the past ten years, starting at the battle of Culloden to the present, but omitted the details about his personal involvement with the rising and his abuse at the hands of the British. Then he began to tell her about the lands and the past clans and then about Lallybroch, the day to day life and expectations of how she should behave.

The three hours flew by with Ellie asking questions and Fergus and Murtagh interjecting their thoughts. Eleanor found herself relaxing with the men and entranced by the natural way they told their stories.

She shifted on the horse, trying to get comfortable, but she was hopelessly stiff and miserable. She winced as she shifted again. Jamie grunted and then steered the horse to the side. "We need to fill up the water jugs," he said, "There is a stream yonder," he nodded to Murtagh, who lead the way.

Murtagh hopped off his horse and then reached up for Ellie, taking her gently down.

"Easy lass, yer be right stiff, if it is yer first time on a horse," Murtagh said, holding on to her as she hobbled forward.

"Saddle sore," Jamie offered, hopping down easily, "that's the word for it."

"Damn," Ellie muttered and at the men's look of reproach, she said, "oh crap," and covered her mouth.

"Do ye usually curse?" Jamie asked, almost amused. "Claire said it was acceptable in her time."

"On occasion," Ellie held on to Murtagh's arm. "It is acceptable during mine as well, even more so, but I try not to, but sometimes it comes out. I'll try not to."

"Don't fash yerself, lass, yer among friends," Murtagh said, chuckling, "but I'd be careful around others."

"Noted," Ellie gingerly took another step. She bent down a bit trying to stretch in a way that wouldn't send ripples of pain through her stiff muscles, including those on her backside.

"Eleanor," Jamie reached for the water jugs and then gestured to her with his head.

Murtagh let go of his hold on her and she not so gracefully managed to walk in step with Jamie, who led her to the stream. He leaned down and filled up a water jug and then handed it to her.

"Drink, lass," he said.

She took a swig of water, it easing her thirst. "Thank you," she said.

He nodded and handed her another bannock. "Go ahead and eat."

She sat down on a nearby rock and ate the bannock, while Jamie filled up the other jug.

He stood. "Ye best find a place to take care of yer needs. Any place will do, but don't venture too far. We won't stop until nightfall."

"I understand," she told him, standing herself. She looked at up at the sky. "It looks like rain."

"Aye, its always pours this time of year."

"Bonny, Scotland."

"Indeed," Jamie gave her a lopsided grin.

She hobbled over in search of a place to take care of her needs.

* * *

The men talked over the fire that night, telling stories and jabbing at each other. Eleanor practically was falling asleep over her cooked rabbit. She pulled the cloak closer to her. It had rained all afternoon and she was cold. She shivered, her teeth chattering as her head drooped.

Murtagh looked over to her and gestured to Jamie, who stood.

"Eleanor," Jamie said, "let's find a warm place for ye to sleep lass."

He had brushed aside a spot for her that was well protected from the rains and built coverings around her, creating a makeshift shelter. He unwrapped a bundle for her.

"Lay down, and I'll cover ye," he said.

She collapsed on the ground and curled up.

"Are ye still sore?" he asked.

"Yes, but I'll be fine," she said as he tucked the blanket in around her.

"Try to sleep lass."

Eleanor tossed and turned, trying to get warm and the ground made her muscles that were already sore aching. She wished she had some tylenol or advil or motrin, or something. A while later, Jamie came back with a flask.

"Take this," he said. She managed to sit up a little to drink the whisky.

She sputtered, "God, that is strong."

"Aye, lass, but it will warm yer belly. Ye'll have to get used to it here. Take another drink," He crossed his leg underneath him, sitting there easily beside her. "Can't sleep?"

Ellie took another drink of the whisky, feeling the drink warming her. "Not really. I'm cold and stiff. I better not have too much of this," she gave it back to him, "I'll get all tipsy." She motioned to him and he laughed.

"Hum, scoot over. I'll sleep next to you. It should help keep ye warm at least."

Jamie curled up next to her and he was right, his solid body heat began to warm her, especially when he drew her against his side.

An animal howled and at her startled noise, he put his arm over her. "Yer safe with me. Go to sleep, lass. It will be a long day tomorrow as well."

With his warmth and protection and the whisky settling in her stomach, she drifted off to sleep. Somehow, she never doubted his word- she was safe with him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Ellie startled awake. She looked over to see that Jamie had awakened and was leaning over her, his curls tousled over his eye.

"What is it?" she asked, groggily. The moonlight shined brightly, the rain clouds finally shifting and the night clear. Clear but surprisingly _cold_. They had ridden hard another day and Eleanor had fallen asleep exhausted.

"Ye must have been havin a dream," Jamie said, "Ye were cryin in yer sleep."

Ellie reached up, feeling wetness on her face. She wiped the tears away, tasting saltiness on her lips. She had been crying, rather hard in fact. "I suppose I was crying."

He reached over to squeeze her hand, "Yer hands are like icicles, woman. Ye kicked off the blanket. No wonder yer dreams were fearsome. Do ye not remember it?"

"I don't really..." Ellie paused, somewhat disoriented. "I don't know exactly."

"Ye were singing something too..." Jamie prompted. "I couldna make it out."

Ellie paused and then struggled to sit up, "I'm sorry I woke you," she looked to where the others were still sleeping, "I'm glad I didn't wake the others." She looked sheepish and somewhat panicked. She did remember her dream, but she could not tell him the details. Her emotions were too raw. One slip and she would come to pieces, remember all that she lost in the past three days.

Jamie sensed her struggle. He stared at her for what seemed like minutes, his scrutiny intense, "What were ye singing, Eleanor?" he finally asked again. "I willna think less of ye for it."

She paused and the tears sprung back to her eyes, "I can't Jamie. Please don't ask me to."

"I ken yer holding something back, lass."

"Aye," she gave him a look in spite of her grief, which could only have been categorized in her time as sassy. "What of it?"

He chuckled and then reached to flick her cheek, "You can be prickly at times."

"You have learned that after only three days," She let out a breath, "that kind of doesn't speak well for me, does it?"

"Nah," Jamie said, with a grin, "It just means yer getting comfortable with me."

"I doubt I ever truly will be," Ellie retorted.

"I sincerely hope that is not the case, lass," Jamie retorted, "considering ye are bound to me now."

She paused at his words, reeled in her emotions and then offered, "I am afraid I have many faults, Jamie. I'm sure you will become all too familiar with them."

"As ye will with mine, I'm sure," Jamie said. "for I am bound to ye as well."

"You haven't exactly been forthcoming with me."

"I have a past, lass. And it isn't verra pleasant."

Eleanor bit her lip, "You don't have to tell me."

"Aye, just like ye dinnae have to tell me. I was just thinkin if it was makin ye so upset, ye would wanna talk about it. If if ye did, I would be willin to listen to ye if ye'd like."

She gave him a weak smile, "I will in time, it's just too soon, okay?"

He nodded, "Verra well then, let's go back to sleep."

She settled down next to him, the blanket and Jamie's immense body keeping her warm. "Jamie?"

"Aye, lass, what is it?"

"Your sister. How much will she grill us?"

"Grill us?" Jamie asked, "I dinnae ken what ye mean."

"Interrogate us."

"Ah, I ken yer meaning now. Quite a bit I suspect."

"I need a story, a convincing one. We need a story. You need to figure out why the hell you agreed to marry me."

"I already ken that Eleanor," Jamie said, quietly.

"Well, I don't know that. And she'll think I am taking advantage of you."

Jamie laughed, "I dinnae foresee that."

"Why is that?" Ellie demanded.

Jamie grew serious. "I'm not exactly a wealthy man anymore. I am without a clan, without land. My past will prohibit any worthy lady for wanting to marry," he paused, "unless she is from another century and desperate."

Ellie elbowed him hard in the side, "we can't exactly say that."

"Jenny kens my situation well. She will not begrudge yer marrit to me. She has been aching for me to be marrit for years."

"She'll know we don't love each other. She'll know I married you to survive."

Jamie paused, "Lass, there is nothin wrong with that. I once marrit a woman I loved, but it wasn't for love. Claire was marrit in her time, though I dinna ken it at the time. She marrit me to survive as well."

"You still ache for her, don't you?"

"I'll burn for that woman until my dyin day."

Ellie paused, weighing his words, "She must have been quite special then. Will you tell me more about her eventually?"

"Aye," Jamie said, pulling her closer, "Yer still cold. I willna bite," he said, as she stiffened slightly.

"I'm tired," she murmured. "I do not mean to fight you so, Jamie. I know you are trying to help. I'm just tired. I'm sorry."

"Aye, I'm sure ye are. Ye nearly fell asleep in yer supper earlier. Go to sleep, lass."

"Goodnight, Jamie."

"Goodnight, Eleanor."

* * *

Jamie sat beside her on the tree stump the next morning. "I'm going to ride ahead today."

Ellie tried to hold back her reaction. "Okay," she said slowly.

"Ye needn't fear. Yer safe with Murtagh and Fergus. Ye'll ride with Murtagh. I'll ride ahead and prepare Jenny fer yer arrival."

"If you think that is best," Ellie shifted gingerly, her still not used to the toll ride all day and sleeping on the ground at night was taking on her body.

Jamie stood, "I do. If I can make things easier on ye, lass, I want to. My sister is verra blunt at times."

"What will you tell her?"

"I'll tell her that ye lost yer family while traveling. Ye were in mourning when I happened upon ye and we came upon a mutually beneficial agreement since ye cannae afford to travel back to the colonies."

"And I don't have family there any longer."

"Aye, that's right."

"Will she suspect otherwise?"

"Nah," Jamie glanced at Murtagh who was preparing the horses. "It's a verra sensible story."

Eleanor looked at Murtagh as well. "If you say so. It seems rather absurd to me," she said, bluntly.

"It helps that yer a bonny one," Murtagh drawled, winking at her. "Jenny willna question Jamie's motives for bedding ye."

Ellie blushed, "I don't think I am, but thank you all the same for the compliment...at least I think that was a compliment," She avoided Jamie's eye.

"Ach, yer embarrassing Eleanor, Murtagh," Jamie said, lightly, "Perhaps, she is not accustomed to such talk in her time."

Murtagh snorted and Eleanor shifted, "In certain circles, some things transcend time, but then again, some things are also meant to be private," she gave Murtagh a look and he laughed harder.

Jamie tried to suppress his smile. "Dinnae fash, lass, all will be well," Jamie said, his hand lightly touching his arm. "I'll see ye soon." He left her to step over to confer with his godfather, before leaving them alone.

Eleanor stood and went over to Murtagh. "This will be okay, won't it?"

"Aye, lassie," Murtagh said, "The lad is wise to prepare his sister and not spring it on her."

Ellie petted the horse, gently. "Is Jenny really that bad?"

"Nah," Murtagh put a blanket on his horse, "she's just a Fraser with MacKenzie blood coursing through her."

"I'm not sure I understand what that means," Ellie said. "What does that mean?"

"Ye will in understand in due time, I'm certain of that, lassie," Murtagh chuckled.

* * *

Ellie took a breath, "Oh, Jesus, help me," she pleaded, under her breath.

Murtagh laughed as he got her down from the horse. "Be a brave lassie," he chided, with a poke. Ellie and Murtagh had talked easily on the whole ride to Lallybroch, much to Fergus's astonishment. Murtagh had taken warmly to Eleanor from since that first night, which had surprised both Jamie and Fergus. Eleanor was only too happy to have an ally in Murtagh, wisely judging that he was not a man to be trifled with.

While the rode, he had told her more of Scotland's story, the story of the clans- of the Frasers and the Mackenzies and more of his own life, leaving out the bits about Jamie, preferring the lad tell her himself. She in turn, offered more bits about herself and her time. It made the ride to Lallybroch seem quick.

"I'm glad you think this is so amusing," Ellie shot back at him, Fergus chuckling at their interaction.

He laughed harder as Jamie came out of the the big doors, followed by a small dark haired woman and a fair man, leaning on a cane.

"Eleanor," Jamie bounded down the stairs, lively. He seemed younger and at ease. Eleanor could tell the difference in her right away. She put a hand on her stomach, willing it to settle from the nerves that were welling up within her. He reached her and leaned into her ear, "Ye need to look a wee bit more sure of yerself, lass, tis not a trial, there will be no one grillin ye here," he whispered and then reached to grip her elbow. He turned to the others. "Allow me to introduce ye to my sister."

Jenny had come down the steps.

"Eleanor, this is my sister, Janet. Jenny, this is my wife."

"Welcome to Lallybroch," Jenny looked her over, with scrutiny. Ellie returned her gaze. They curtsied in greeting.

"It's really nice to meet you, Mrs. Murray," Ellie said, quietly, "Jamie has told me so much about you." The words hung in the air and Jamie exchanged a look with his godfather, who didn't keep his amusement hidden.

There was a tense moment of silence before Jenny broke it by snorting, "And that is why yer lookin so unsettled and Jamie had to ride ahead to prepare me," she put her hands on her hips, "I am not that fearsome, James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser."

Jamie shrugged, "I dinnae mean to imply..."

"I ken verra well what ye meant." She poked at his chest.

Eleanor suppressed a giggle at the interplay between siblings, "He just said you love him very much, Mrs. Murray," she offered.

Jenny met her gaze, "And he'd be right aboot that. Call me Jenny. May I call ye Eleanor?"

"Thank you and of course, though my close friends and family called me Ellie."

"_Ellie_. That's lovely," Jenny said. "Yer must be exhausted. From what the imp has said, ye have had quite the few days."

"It's been," Eleanor paused, searching for the words to adequately describe her past few days, "quite overwhelming at times," Her voice cracked.

Jenny held her gaze, studying her again. "Aye, I can only imagine." She suddenly took charge, looping her arm through hers, "Then lets get ye settled. I have a room all ready for ye and a bath to get the dust of the road off of ye. Ye'll feel much better." She stopped as they went past Ian, "This is my husband, Ian."

"It's nice to meet you as well," she said, with a warm smile.

"Likewise," Ian said, smiling in turn, as they passed.

Murtagh, Jamie and Ian watched the women go inside, chatting.

"What did ye say to yer sister, lad?" Murtagh asked, astounded, his arm around his godson.

"I just appealed to my sister's compassion," Jamie said, glancing at Ian, "after I threatened to be on her best behavior."

"It got loud at one point," Ian chuckled, "just as it is apt to do when Jamie and Jenny go to blows. But it seems as if my wife got the message."

"She's giving her a chance," Jamie said, "and I am grateful."

"I will make sure it is stayin that way," Ian said, "As much as I can. It must be hard bein in a new land without family to speak of. We are lookin forward to knowin her better."

"Thank you, Ian," Jamie gave him a grateful look, "I will take care of the horses and be in shortly. If ye see Eleanor, please tell her not to fash. I'll be with her shortly."

Ian nodded and left Murtagh and Jamie alone to go find Fergus, who had began to settle in the horses, "How was Ellie on the ride?"

"Talkative," Murtagh said. "And worried."

"She is more forthcoming with you than I at times," Jamie grunted.

"I'm not the one in control of her fate, lad," Murtagh said. "And she nae feel guilty with me."

Jamie let out a long breath. "Why did ye insist on this Murtagh?" Jamie asked.

"A lad needs a wife," Murtagh said.

"Like ye have one?" Jamie retorted.

"I am too auld now, but I would have if not fer yer father. And after yer mother, I dinnae think I could."

"After Claire, I feel the same way," Jamie admitted, "And yet, here is Eleanor, and fer some reason, we were drawn together."

"Claire is safe, lad, in her own time. Now it is time for ye to live in yer time. And protect this woman that yer were entrusted with for this time."

* * *

"Can I help?" Eleanor asked, the next morning, as Jenny juggled laundry and a cry pierced the room. She had settled into Lallybroch, eating supper with the others then retiring early, exhausted from the journey. By the time, Jamie came into the room, she was already fast asleep. When she awoke, Jamie was no where to be found.

"It's the bairn," Jenny said, "my first wee grandbairn."

"Oh my, he's precious." Ellie went over and began to rock the cradle, gently, but in a way, that caused Jenny to pause in her tracks with the laundry, "What's his name?"

"That be wee Henry. I'm just helpin out his poor exhausted mother. These first few weeks be the hardest for a new mother."

"Henry?" Ellie swallowed hard, "That's a good strong name," her voice cracked a bit.

"Aye," Jenny said, slowly, "Would ye like to hold him?"

"If that would help," Ellie said, and reached for the baby, cradling him against her and patting him, bouncing him around around the room, the baby instantly calming down.

"I'll be right back," Jenny said, her discerning eyes still on her, studying her and her way with the baby, "Ye sure ye don't mind watchin him for a moment?"

"Of course not," Eleanor said, "he seems content now."

"Aye," Jenny said, quietly. "that he does."

* * *

After Ellie chatted with Jenny, she went outside to find Jamie. The kids were running around, kids from the village coming up to play with Jenny's brood.

Murtagh was sitting on the steps, watching, when he noticed how Eleanor was looking at the children.

One of the children tugged at her skirts and Ellie leaned down to talk with the little girl who had tears spayed across her face, stooping down at her level. She brushed the dirt from her dress and gave her a quick hug, before sending her off.

He rose and made his way over to her, "Why dinnae ye say, lass?" Murtagh asked, quietly.

"Say what?" Eleanor asked.

"That ye had bairns at home."

Eleanor turned to him, shocked, "What makes you think that?"

"Just now, with the wee lass."

"I'm a teacher. I'm around children. That's my job."

"And bairns?" Murtagh asked quietly. "I saw ye with the bairn earlier when passing by the room. Yer were so taken with him, ye didn't even notice."

"Please don't tell Jamie," tears sprung to her eyes, "There is nothing I can do to change it."

Murtagh let out a breath, "Come, lass, we'll walk. It's time ye get a few things off yer chest."

* * *

"Do ye ken where Ellie is?" Jamie asked as he came behind his sister and gave her an affectionate kiss as she was peeling the potatoes with a knife.

Jenny gave a glance to Mrs. Crook who curtsied and then left them alone.

"Last I saw, she was with Murtagh," she wiped her hands on her apron, "But Jamie, why didn't ye say that she had bairns of her own?"

Jamie froze, "Why would ye think that?"

"The way she picked up wee Henry and settled him," Jenny titled her head, "Only a mother would know how to do that so well. New bairns are hard at first, it doesn't feel natural-like. But it was fer her. She's had one before. And then, right now. Wee un fell right in front of her and she brushed her off, dried her tears and sent her back off with a smile."

"She's been a governess before she was marrit," Jamie explained, casually. "She's been around the wee uns before."

"If you'd say," Jenny wiped her brow, "but I'm tellin ye James Fraser, shes borne bairns of her own. Ye asked me to trust ye, and I do. God kens how I would feel if I be in her place. I dinnae bregrudge her for marrin ye, it was the sensible thing to do. And Ellie seems quite sweet though I dinnae ken how that will work with the likes of ye..."

"Ach," Jamie frowned. "She can be prickly at times, just ye wait. It will come out. She likes her own way."

Jenny ignored him, "but if yer serious about yer marriage, ye need to try to ken her better. Ask her aboot the bairns and see what she says."

Jamie reached for the bread that was freshly made but Jenny swatted his hand, "That be for tonight, Jamie Fraser, to welcome yer wife properly. She said she slept well."

"Aye, she was asleep when I joined her."

Jenny paused in her peeling, "Ye look too well rested for newly marrit. Is the marriage even legal?"

"Ach, Janet," Jamie glared at her, "Ye would do well to mine yer own affairs."

"I'm just a concerned sister, James," Jenny said, resuming her peeling. "So ye haven't bed her yet?"

"Not that it is any of yer business, but our marriage is perfectly legal," Jamie retorted. "for being handfast that is."

"I see," Jenny said, casually, "Ye do know that if she recently lost her husband _and her bairns_," she said, ignoring his glare, "she isn't just gonna fall into passion with ye, no matter how appealing ye might be."

"I'm aware," Jamie said, "I willna force her again. That was a disaster."

Jenny paused and then glared at him, "Ye were nice to her, weren't ye, brother?"

"I perhaps could have been more so," Jamie admitted, his ears turning red. "Tis my shame to bear."

"Well," Jenny let out a breath, "Don't wait too long showing her that," she advised. "The longer ye do, the worse will come from it."

"I willna force a woman into my bed, Janet," Jamie said.

"Jamie," Jenny gave him a long suffering look, "I'm not sayin force, I'm sayin coax her. She's been wounded by this life. Yer all she has now. Allow her to lean on you and in turn perhaps ye can lean on her. Ye have been wounded too, you ken. There be a kindness to her, I see it in her eyes. It's why I am going to ken her better. I sense her ways are much different than ours."

"Ye can say that," Jamie muttered. "I'll talk to her, Janet. I appreciate yer kindness to her."

"Ach," Jenny replied, "she is my sister after all, even if is by handfastin. I thought ye dinnae approve of that."

"We were pressed for time," Jamie retorted, "and I did pledge before God, Janet. And I will honor that."

"I ken ye will," Jenny said, going over to cut a piece of bread and hand it to Jamie. "Go on with ye. I have work to do."

Jamie left his sister, determined that he would heed her advice and talk to Eleanor tonight. Jenny did have a sense of things and perhaps she was right. And if she was, he ken Eleanor's wounds at leaving her life ran far deeper than he thought.

**A/N**: Lallybroch! Thoughts?!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**:

"I see ye still have the touch with the wee bairns, Jamie," Jenny said as they were gathered around the fire later that night.

"Ah, he is a braw lad indeed, Young Jamie," Jamie smiled at his nephew. "Though I dinnae ken how yer old enough to have a bairn," he teased.

"Or that Ma is old enough to be a granny," Young Ian laughed.

"That's enough out of ye," Jenny clucked at her youngest.

Jamie rocked the baby, who had started to fuss a bit and then went to sit next to Eleanor on the settee. She smiled at Jamie and then at the baby, who had kicked his feet out of the blanket. She lightly touched the bottom of the feet, "His feet are cold," she told him.

"Could ye help?" Jamie asked, lightly, not waiting for a reply, but handing the baby to her.

Eleanor juggled the baby and laid him in between the two of them and expertly rewrapped the baby, "There you are." She picked the baby back up and gave him a quick snuggle before handing him back to Jamie, "he seems happier now."

She caught Murtagh's eye, but Jenny interceded, "I think it is time for the wee un to go back to his Mama."

Young Jamie rose, "I agree."

Jamie rose and handed the baby back to his father, "Tell Joan she has given ye a fine lad."

"I will indeed," Young Jamie told his uncle before taking his leave.

Jamie went over to pour more wine and Jenny joined him, "I told ye to ask, not to trap her, Jamie."

"She'll be fine," Jamie murmured, but poured another glass for his wife.

He walked back over to hand it to her, sitting again next to her.

"Thank you," Ellie said as she took a sip of the wine.

"Uncle Jamie," Ian went to sit at his uncle's feet, "Tell me a story from when ye were a lad."

"Ach, Ian," Jamie chided, "ye have heard them plenty of times."

"But Auntie hasn't and I ken she wants to," Ian said seriously. "Murtagh, will ye please if Uncle Jamie willna?"

"What does Auntie think?" Murtagh asked, "Is Young Ian right, do ye want to hear a story?"

Ellie looked at Young Ian, then at Jamie, then glanced at Jenny and Ian before turning to Murtagh, "I would actually. I have a feeling that Jamie has a boy was quite mischievous."

Jenny snorted, "That's putting it mildly. Da had him over the fence post more time than naught."

"Now, Jenny," Jamie gave his sister a look, "I'm sure Eleanor doesn't want to hear about all of that."

Ellie took a long sip, "Sure do."

Young Ian laughed, "See, Uncle Jamie, I told ye Auntie Ellie would want to."

"You could tell about your childhood," Jamie looked at her. "I'm sure ye got into a fair bit of mischief."

"Me?" Ellie held up her hands innocently, "I was a good wee lass, I assure you."

"Well," Jamie looked mock-offended, "I supposed ye must then, a story for young Ian, just nothin too off putting for Eleanor."

Jenny turned to Murgagh, "Go on, ye tell them better than I."

Murtagh then launched into a twisted, humorous tale of Jamie's youth that involved an almost drowned cat that made the whole room, including Ellie, roll with laughter.

"Oh my, Jamie," Ellie giggled, "Your poor mom had her hands full. I can't even imagine. Did she think it was funny?" she asked Murtagh.

"Aye, lassie," Murtagh smiled at her with a wink, "Ellen appreciated her son's antics when he wasn't looking."

"I would have had a hard time being stern," Eleanor admitted.

"Ye don't want ye children out of hand," Jenny said, "so ye put on the face that ye must for the own good, ye ken?" She rose, "Speaking of that," she said dramatically, "Time for bed, me bhobains. Say goodnight to yer papa and uncle and auntie."

One by one, Jenny's kids gave the adults in the room hugs. The adults spent another few hours chatting and reminiscing, enjoying each others company, before headed to bed themselves.

* * *

Later that night, Ellie was twisted around trying to loosen the laces to her corset when Jamie walked in.

She groaned in frustration as she fumbled with it and he chuckled at her plight, "Ye'll get the hang of things, lass, but in the meantime, allow me to help."

"I should be able to do so myself," she twisted around to face him, her hand still wrangling with the laces round her back.

"Aye," Jamie said as he approached her, putting his large hands on her shoulders, "but I canna fault ye, these are confounding things at times," he turned her around before she could protest and began to work on them. "There ye are."

"Ah, that feels so much better," Ellie said as she got relief from the constricting garment. Jamie took it off her and tossed it on the chair.

"Ye wore it to bed last night."

Ellie turned around, rubbing her ribs, which were sore. "Yes," she said sheepishly, "I was so tired."

"I see," Jamie's eyes wandered to her chest, which her cleavage was hanging out of her shift. Ellie quickly tugged at the fabric at her shoulders, to make sure it was hanging well above her chest.

"Sorry about that," she mumbled, a pink twinge creeping up on her cheeks.

"Well, it's nothin I haven't seen before consider I've been marrit," Jamie said, mindful to keep his voice light.

"Not like there is much to see," the flush deepened, "Oh God, I don't why I'm so embarrassed by this." She formed a fist with her trembling hands and began to rub her cheeks.

"No bother," He reached out to lightly touch her arm and then looked in her eyes, "Eleanor, I need to tell ye somethin."

"You look serious," Eleanor titled her head, but his expression was enough to distract her.

"Aye," he nodded. "May we talk?"

"Of course," Ellie said, sitting on the bed, sitting on her leg and pulling up another one to rest her chin on it. "Okay, what's up?"

He laughed for a moment, "Is that comfortable for ye?"

"Yes, but as I am getting older, my leg starts to fall asleep. It's habit from when I was a teenager and in college," she paused, "my leg gets prickly and..."

"I ken yer meaning," he said, with a smile as she shifted to sitting crossed legged on the bed, "My eyesight is starting to fail, but yer awfully young for such things."

"Not so much younger than you, Jamie," Eleanor said seriously, "but I also had the benefits of 21st century life."

"Aye, and there is that," Jamie said, "how are ye doin now we are at Lallybroch?"

"I'm fine," Eleanor said, "Your sister has been welcoming and supportive. I feel like she wants to get to know me and if I can somehow figure out my 18th century life without giving away that I am hopelessly lost then I think she and I will get along well. I'm already learning alot just be watching her. She really is an amazing women, Jamie. I don't know how she does all of this."

"She is a good lass," Jamie nodded, "And I ken that she sees somethin similar in ye. She kens yer lost and she wants to help. Dinnae fear to ask. I explained how different yer life was in the colonies and since Janet hasn't been outside this area, she takes me at my word."

"And the fact that you are her beloved brother," Eleanor pointed out.

"Aye," Jamie paused in his pacing, "I understand we were only handfasted and didnae have the benefit of a priest to wed us, but still, lass, I take my vow to ye seriously. It was made before God."

"I understand that. I mean, I don't understand why, but I understand that you are serious about this. I am too, though my heart is torn in a million different directions."

He nodded, "Then I must tell ye somethin."

"Go ahead," she nodded, listening attentively to his words."But why don't you sit? All your pacing is making me nervous."

"Aye," Jamie went to sit on the chair, pulling off his boots and then walked over to sit on the bed, his feet up.

She turned to face him from her perch on her side close to the end, her legs still crossed.

"When I sent Claire back through those stones to her own time, she was carryin my child."

Eleanor let out her breath, "You have a child in the 20th century."

"Aye, and I dinnae even ken if it is a lad or a lass, only that I have me babe somewhere out there," he stared past her for a moment, deep in his thoughts.

"That must be so difficult," Eleanor said, tears welling up, "Jamie, I am so sorry."

Jamie forced his attention back onto her.

"It was safer for her and the babe. I had to do what I must. I didnae think I would live and when I did..." his voice trailed off, "well, it dinnae matter now. They are safe and I will have done it again, Eleanor. I also have a son."

Her eyebrows shot up, "After Claire?"

"Aye, his mother was the daughter of my employer. She died birthin the babe."

"Where is he?"

"He is with his aunt and a dear, trusted friend of mine. Lord John Grey."

She paused, "You don't seem like the kind to just sleep with your boss's daughter, Jamie."

"Nah," Jamie said, "but I dinnae wish to speak ill of her, lass. She did what she felt she must. And I did what I thought I must. But the lad is safe. Jenny doesn't even ken about him."

"What's his name?"

"William. _Willie_. He is the 9th Earl of Ellesmere, but he is also my bastard."

She let out another breath, "So you have two babies that you cannot be a father to."

"Aye."

"But you are so good with your nieces and nephews," She wiped at her eyes, "That must be so hard. You would be a great father."

"Thank ye," he scooted himself closer to her so he could reach out and put a large hand on her knee, "Just as I am certain ye are a good mother to yer babes."

Eleanor's intake of breath was sharp. She had stilled herself and grown pale.

Jamie's hand was heavy on her knee but he did not remove it.

"Oh God," Eleanor closed her eyes tightly, "Did Murtagh tell you?"

"Murtagh?" Jamie asked, shocked. "Did ye tell Murtagh?"

"No, of course not," Ellie said, opening her eyes, "he figured it out."

He nodded his acceptance, "Murtagh seems to have a keen sense when it comes to ye, lass. But no, it was my sister. She saw ye with wee Henry and the children outside."

"You must think I am awful for keeping it from you," Eleanor said quickly as she sniffled, "I just didn't want to face it."

"Is that why ye spent hours at the stones?"

"Yes, to think I can never see my children again, Jamie, it's unbearable unless I just push it to the side. Try not to think about it, to feel, but when I picked up Henry or when I am around the other children, it's not so easy to do."

Jamie patted her knee and then went to go pour her a drink of water. He sat on the end of the bed and patted the spot next to him. "Come and talk to me."

Eleanor twisted her legs around and dangled them over the edge as she took the glass from Jamie and drank it. He took it back from her and placed it on the floor.

"Now then," His hand moved back to her knee, "Tell me about yer wee uns, Eleanor." There was something about his tone that told Eleanor that it wasn't a question, but a command. Eleanor had a feeling as she watched Jamie for the past few days that while her new husband was more progressive for his time, he still was a 18th century highlander and wasn't to be trifled with when he was determined. And he did have the grace to start with his own story before demanding hers. She took a breath.

"Henry," she swallowed hard when her voice cracked, "but we call him Harry, is five. He started school this year much to his chagrin."

"The boy doesn't like his lessons?"

"No," Eleanor laughed as she cried, "I kept telling him don't you want to learn how to read like mama teaches other children and he would tell me, 'No, reading is boring.'

"Well, I canna fault the lad," Jamie laughed. "What does Harry look like?"

"He has my eyes and thick dark brown hair." She swallowed again, "And there is Charlotte- beautiful brown eyes and a mop of curls. She is three, but acts more like a teenager especially when she thinks I wronged her."

Jamie's eyes widened, "Really now?"

"Oh yes," she nodded. "They are so bright, but they are both quite the handfuls. Tempers, tantrums, strong willed, don't care much for my opinion of things. But they are sweet and kind and just adorable. They love to be held and cuddled." The tears flooded over, "What are they going to do when it is bedtime and I am not there to sing to them and rock them and insist they keep getting back in their bed? Will they think I abandoned them? That I didn't care?" She broke. "There is no hope that I will ever see them again."

Jamie immediately put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her into his chest. "Go ahead and get it out, Eleanor."

He held her as she cried, speaking to her in low tones, in gaelic, the forbidden language, but even though Eleanor could not understand, she was comforted. Her sobs eased into quiet hiccups and when finally she had quieted, he gently eased her away from him.

"If yer husband loved ye, he willna let yer babes think ye abandoned them."

Eleanor grew paler, "We had an awful fight before I went to the stones to think. I said horrible things that I did not mean about how I couldn't handle being married anymore. I did not mean it, Jamie, but give my disappearance, Will probably thinks I did."

Jamie wiped her tears with the pad of his thumb, "Ach, lass, ye been marrit for ten years, dinnae ye think yer husband kens you better than that. I have only ken ye five days and I ken ye would never willingly abandon yer marriage and babes."

She swallowed hard, "I have an awful temper at times, Jamie. I get anxious and worry and then I just lash out or shut down. I'm not easy to live with."

"That dinnae mean ye would leave the ones ye love, Eleanor. He'll come up with a story for the babes and then he'll tell them how much their mama loved them. And then he will search for ye, lass."

"Do you really believe that?" she searched his eyes.

"Aye, I do."

"And when he doesn't find me?"

"He will believe some awful plight has befallin you," he gave her a smirk, "which willna be that far off from the truth if we want to talk about faults."

She laughed and wiped her eyes, "Thank you, Jamie. Seriously. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come. I'm sorry I did not tell you sooner."

He nodded. "I understand why you didn't. But Ellie, I do not want ye to lie to me. If I ask, tell me the truth. I will do the same. I canna abide otherwise. I have to be able to trust yer word."

"Of course," she bit her lip, "Once Murtagh found out, I was pretty sure I was on borrowed time, anyway. Thank you for telling me about your children, Jamie. It helped that you confided in me first."

He nodded. "Ye look shattered." he studied her.

"Bedtime?"

"There is one other matter I wish to talk to ye about before bed if ye feel like ye can bear it."

"Of course, what is it?"

"I ken that ye are still aggrieved over yer life as am I with Claire, but we did make vows to each other. I will not shirk from them lass, ye have my word. Will ye do the same?"

She swallowed hard, not sure where there was headed, but had a feeling. "Of course."

"I ken that our first night together was..." his voice trailed off. He though for a minute and then continued, resolute, "but I apologized for my behavior."

"And I forgave you," Eleanor said, "I meant when I said that."

"Then I need ye to allow us to forge a way between us."

"In bed?" Eleanor's voice faltered.

"And out," Jamie said, "but aye, I willna force ye, but..."

"You want the benefits of married life?"

"Aye."

She chewed on her lip, contemplatively. "It's just you have had years away from Claire, I have had five days away from Will. It's different, Jamie. But I have an understanding that the way this works for me is different than the way it works for you." She shifted, "Will was my first and I thought my last. So," she bit her lip, "there was that. Oh God, I'm rambling, but anyway..." she shifted again.

"Claire was my first too," Jamie offered. "And while she wasnot my last, there have not been other woman...just Willie's mama and one other. Twice, Ellie. Twice in years. So I ken what yer feelin. And I promise ye, I will be mindful. Do ye trust me?"

She took a breath. "I do. So...it's kind of a bad time for me at the moment, but afterwards, I'll try."

"So ye are not with child, then, lass?"

She stilled, "You thought I was pregnant? Why?"

"Ye were so tired."

She shrugged, "I sometimes get that way and these past few days have just been hard. I'm not used to this century, Jamie. It's been exhausting, emotionally and physically. And figuring out...private things...have been not easy by the way, but I'll get used to it, though I have to tell you I really want a hot shower right now in the worst way possible."

He laughed, "Claire told me about those. She missed showers and baths and running water something fierce at times."

"I've been pretty spoiled my whole life by modern comforts, Jamie, but I will adjust," she said. "I can do this."

"Of course ye can," he said, seriously. "Now, let's get ready for bed."

Eleanor hopped off and went to retrieve a hairbrush to brush out her hair while Jamie took off his clothes, leaving his shirt on. She brushed out her hair before getting into her side of the bed. Jamie extinguished the lamps and then climbed next to her.

"Jamie?" Eleanor rolled over to face his direction.

"Aye, lass?"

"What would you have done if I was pregnant?"

"I have two good men raising my bairns as their own. I will have done the same for yer and Will's child."

Eleanor began to cry again.

Jamie rolled over from his back to his side. "Why are ye cryin lass?"

"I don't know," Eleanor wept, but she scooted closer to him, "Can I just..."

"Aye," Jamie wrapped his arm around her and pulled her into his side. "Dinnae weep, lass. All will be well. Go to sleep. Dinnae fash, I am here."

Eleanor fell asleep in his arms, exhausted by the weight of her emotions.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: T for adult themes and content

**Chapter 5:**

The next morn, Jamie found Ellie helping Jenny in the kitchen.

"Can ye spare time fer me?"

Jenny looked at her brother who held Ellie's shawl in his hands and nodded her consent. "Go on with ye two. I can finish up here."

Eleanor wiped her hands on her apron and then careful took it off. She said her goodbyes to Jenny and then stepped out with Jamie into the yard.

"Here, there's a wee nip to the air," Jamie said, handing her shawl to her. Ellie shook it out and then wrapped it around her.

"Thanks," she said. She looked up at the sky. "It looks like rain again."

He nodded. "It is Scotland. The weather is verra dreary at times."

She laughed, "I noticed. So, what's going on?"

"I want to show ye the land."

"I'd like that," Ellie said. "I haven't been past the house and the yard since arriving. I'm afraid to venture off. I'm hopeless with directions."

"Aye, then that be best if ye only go with myself or Murtagh or Fergus. Maybe Young Ian. We canna have ye gettin lost."

Jamie showed Eleanor the lands that he was so familiar with and loved so much. He pointed out his favorite spots as a boy. He answered Eleanor's questions about the tenets and the farms and how everything worked together.

They found a spot to rest and Eleanor turned to him, "Why does Ian and Jenny run the farm if it is technically Fraser land?"

"Well," Jamie rubbed his hands against his pants, "it's not mine."

She frowned, "But you are first born. Isn't that the way things work?"

"Normally so, but..." Jamie paused, "well, ye see, Claire ken things of the future and on the Eve of the battle of Culloden, before I sent her back through the stones, I signed the deed over to Young Jamie. Otherwise, the English would have taken the farm..." he looked in her eyes, "considering I was a traitor and all. I dinna think I would have survived, but I did..." he paused again. "Young Ian now that he is old enough does the day to day runnin of things, but now that I am back, I help as well. But I am not the laird, not anymore, but those things dinnae carry much weight since the English got their way."

"You didn't tell me that you were in the Battle of Culloden," Eleanor pulled her shawl closer.

"Aye, I was. I'm a traitor, ye ken."

"Well," Eleanor titled her head. "Depends on your perspective."

"The only perspective that has much matter is the one that won," Jamie said, "our people were slaughtered."

Eleanor chewed on her thumb, contemplating his words. "How did you survive the battle, Jamie?"

"I dinna ken the actual battle. I dinnae remember much of it," Jamie's look was far off, "But after as they were killin all the men who still lived...lads younger than Young Jamie, barely old enough to leave their homes..."

"They killed them?" Eleanor's voice held her horror and drew Jamie back to the present.

He turned to her and met her eyes. "Aye, shot them." he said, evenly.

"Why would they kill men if the battle was over?" Ellie asked. "Shouldn't they take them prisoner?"

"Ach, they had to send the message that the rebellion was over and done with," Jamie said. "They did alot in the days and years that followed to show their force of their hand. Now they pretty much leave us be, but ye can still see some units patrolling around from time to time."

"But..." Eleanor swallowed hard, a feeling of dread and sorrow deep in the pit of her stomach. She was imagining Jamie awaiting his death sentence, hearing the shots that killed his friends. Her heart tore in empathy. She couldn't imagine such brutality.

"Ye look so perturbed," Jamie said, reaching out for her arm, to touch it briefly. "It was a long time ago, lass. Dinnae fash over things that ye canna change."

"Not so long ago," she fiddled with the end of her braid, "So how did you survive?"

"through debt of honor fulfilled by Lord John's brother though at the time I wasna verra thankful for it."

"Lord John," Eleanor thought for a moment, "the man who raises your son?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Our histories are quite entwined." He studied her carefully. "Prison isna verra pleasant either lass."

She eyed him, "Do you have first hand knowledge of that?"

"Aye."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Well," Ellie let out her breath, "The land is beautiful, Jamie. I can tell you love it."

"Aye, it is home. I never thought I would see it again." He stood and bent down to reach for her arm, gently helping her to her feet. "Come, lass," he said, quietly, "we mustn't idle the day away."

They walked back in silence.

* * *

Ellie found that the next few days took on a rhythm to it. She would help Jenny with household tasks. She was eager to learn how things worked in this century and Jenny knowing that her new sister did not ken their ways, was patient to become the teacher. Jamie took time from his work to seek out Eleanor and continue her education with acquainting her to the workings of Lallybroch and the ways of the eighteenth century. At night, they would sit with Jenny, Ian and the children as well as Murtagh and Fergus and laugh and tell stories and play games by the fire.

But often Jamie would catch her staring off, a far off look on her face and he would know that she was in her century, in memories of her children. He would catch her eye then and smile at her, a wordless nod of understanding and empathy.

It was one night three nights later that Jamie was kept up by the constant shifting of his wife, who finally sat up. She got out of bed and went to stand by the window, looking out at the moon, lost in her thoughts.

She could hear Jamie's movement as the bed creaked under his shifting and the footsteps as he came behind her.

He wrapped a blanket around her. He hesitated but then decisively put his arms around her, pulling her back against him. She stiffened for a moment but then relaxed and dropped her head to rest it against his chest. She was so weary tonight, heavy under the weight of her emotions of missing her children. Even thought it had only been a few days, Jamie's presence was such a life line for her at times, especially when she was unsure of herself. He was helping her forge a life and she was grateful. Still at times, he was quite the enigma and she knew that she had only seen certain facets of his personality.

"ye cannae sleep?"

"No," she sniffed hard. "i was just saying a prayer. I did not know what else to do to calm myself."

"What are ye frettin about, lass?" his breath was hot on her head.

"The children. Bedtimes were always the epitome of insanity," Eleanor said, her voice cracking. "Neither went to sleep without monumental fights. We finally gave up and allowed Harry to fall asleep in our bed. Charlotte was a tad bit more easy to manage, maybe because she was younger and we could close her in her room."

Jamie gave a chuckle. "They sound so surly, Ellie."

She sniffed, "I doubt they would have survived in this century...spare the rod and spoil the child and all that."

"Aye," Jamie tightened his grip on her. "Did Harry fall asleep with ye?"

"Yes," Eleanor responded. "He would eventually settle down from tossing and turning and climbing on and off me and finally allow sleep to overtake him. But he always was like that, even as a baby. He would fall asleep right against me. I could never get anything done because I was always holding him. And then Charlotte came along and she was so fiery. She knew her mind from day one. What will they do at night without me?"

"Children have a way of adapting, Eleanor. Dinnae fash, lass. They'll miss their mama for the rest of their lives, but they will adapt."

Her heart twisted, "I go from hoping that he does remarry and provide a mother to them to wanting to rip my hair out at the very thought of it."

"Aye, I feel the same when I think of Claire's husband raisin my bairn. I'm grateful but i wanna rip him from limb to limb at the same time."

She sighed. "You understand, don't you?"

"Aye, lass, I ken yer feelings well. And I ken what it is like to lose sleep over the very thoughts. But just like yer bairns will adapt, so will ye."

She turned in his arms to look at him, his face illuminated by the bright moon. "How do you know?"

"Because I did."

"Did you?" Ellie shifted out of his arms. "Because last I checked, you were watching the stones for Claire during certain times of the year..."

"Only once a year," Jamie defended, "But I did adapt, I woke up every mornin, did what I must. I survived losin her. it dinnae mean that ye forget or that the longin goes away. I'm doin what I must as well."

Eleanor closed her eyes, "I'm sorry, Jamie. I spoke out of turn. It was thoughtless."

"Think no more of it, lassie."

"I just feel so much despair tonight, I do not quite know how to settle myself."

"Well, then," Jamie reached out to touch the side of her face, lightly rubbing it with his fingers, "tell me more aboot yer bairns, Eleanor."

She allowed him to lead her back to the bed, sitting next to him and they talked for hours, Eleanor soaking in the memories of her babies, shedding tears for the sweet memories she had and the time she will not have with them. Jamie in turn told her more of his and Claire's story, the experience cathartic for him as well. And when the day broke, they were comfortably asleep, Eleanor nestled next to Jamie.

* * *

Eleanor approached Jamie, her hand over her forehead shielding herself from the sun that was shining brightly, the cloudy weather breaking for the day.

"Want a break to eat?" Eleanor asked, "Jenny sent me with food and water. Told me to feed you."

Jamie swung a pitchful of hay onto a pile and then put it down. "Aye, that would be fine, lass. It's hot, let's find a cool place to rest."

He reached for the basket, carrying it for her, leading her a ways into the woods and by a steam.

"Oh, it does feel much better here," Ellie fanned herself with her hands, "To think it was so cool only a day ago."

"Aye, where is yer hat, Eleanor? Yer skin will get red in this sun. Yer face is already pink just from yer walk out to the fields."

She smiled, sheepishly, "I just forgot to grab it. I'm not used to hats. I never wear them."

"What did ye do then if ye dinnae wear hats?" he asked as she opened the picnic basket and began to hand him bread and cheese.

"Well," Ellie leaned against a tree with Jamie, stretching out her legs, "You put on suntan lotion and it protects your skin from the sun, especially when you go to the beach..." she paused, "visiting the ocean."

"Did ye visit the ocean alot?"

"Yes, when I was little especially. We would go for a week, rent a house and go down every day."

"Every day for a week?" Jamie asked. "What would ye do?"

"Well," Ellie took a bite of cheese, "when we were little ones, we would play in the sand and water. When I was older, I would lay out on a towel and read and try to get my skin tan."

Jamie's mouth opened, aghast, "But why would ye do that to yerself?"

"That's just what we do," Ellie shrugged. "My pale skin wasn't very fashionable, though I wasn't very successful in changing that. I burn with sunscreen even. I wouldn't be surprised if I get sunburn today, and this is alot more clothes that I would normally wear, especially at the beach."

"What do ye wear there?" Jamie asked, curiously, tearing off a piece of bread with his teeth.

"Well, after the babies, I would wear one piece swim suits, which have special material to wear in the water. It covered my torso, but everything else was pretty much uncovered. It's really hot in the summertime. All these clothes are really unpractical, especially in the States in the South."

"Ye mean ye would lie there half naked?" Jamie asked, frowning. "And yer parents and yer husband would let ye be so brazen?" he looked perturbed at the thought.

"Yes," Ellie laughed. "Trust me, i was way more modest than a lot of people, though when i was younger, a teenager and in college, I would wear bikinis, which just covered," Ellie gestured with her hands, "this and this. My stomach and back would burn awful even with the sunscreen. It's actually bad for your skin. You can get sick years later from it."

"It dinnae seem like yer time is verra sensible, young ladies bein so wanton. That's just askin for trouble."

"Jamie," Eleanor looked at him, seriously, "Do you think I am wanton? Really?" she gave him a look.

"Ach, no," Jamie laughed, poking at her, "I canna say that I do. But Eleanor, it is awfully bold, ye layin out there fer the whole world to see."

"Not really," Eleanor said, "When it is the norm, it isn't bold at all. When the kids came along, things changed though. I wasn't as confident and anyway, it was too much of an ordeal with the little ones to vacation that much. And the ocean made me nervous. The kids were much too impulsive, but when they were older, we planned on going back."

"I see," Jamie reached for more bread, "Speaking of that..."

"Of what?" Ellie asked, handing him so water.

"Well, not speakin of that, but I dinnae ken how to approach it with ye..."

Eleanor took a breath, "You might as just as well come out and say it, Jamie."

"Tonight, I want us to..."

"Okay," Eleanor interrupted, quickly.

Jamie looked at her quizzically, "What does that mean, lass?"

"Yes. I'm agreeing with you. I'm sorry. I won't let my modern expressions slip in front of the others."

"Try not to. Ye do that alot with me, but with the others..." Jamie's voice held a warning. "I dinnae blame ye, lass. It must be hard to change yer manner of speakin."

"And you just made me nervous," Eleanor defended, "You could have just talked to me about it tonight."

Jamie raised his eyebrows, "I thought a warnin would be nice, so ye could prepare yerself."

"Well, now I can just worry about it for the rest of the day..."

"Maybe ye shouldn't fret about it, lass."

"That's easier said than done," Eleanor bit her lip.

Jamie glanced at her and then turned towards her, "Eleanor, lass, I willna hurt ye," he reached for her hand, holding it between his own.

Her voice cracked, "I know."

"Do ye?" Jamie said, his voice held an implication. "Am I not tryin to show ye that I can be sensible to yer feelings even if I was a hard heided fool to start?"

"You are," Ellie said, "And I'm grateful for you, Jamie, truly. I'm just nervous. I would be nervous with anybody not Will."

"Aye," Jamie nodded his understanding. "And I ken things are different here."

"That's true," Eleanor said. "And your very different. But I do trust you, Jamie. I'm just nervous and it's just the way I am going to feel."

"But ye aren't scared?"

"No, I'm scared senseless," She gave him a wry look, "but not of you."

"Verra good. I cannae abide my wife bein scared of my touch." He squeezed her hand.

Eleanor studied him for a moment and then said, "Can I just...?" She paused and then sat to her knees and wrapped her arms around Jamie, giving him a long hug. She buried her head in his shoulder, smelling the tang of the farm and his sweat on him. He returned the gesture, his arms around her waist, she feeling his strength of his embrace.

"Ye need a wee bit of coddlin now and then, do ye no?"

She laughed and pulled back, "My love language is touch."

"What the hell does that mean?" Jamie asked, grinning at her.

"Well," Ellie plopped back down. "It based on a book. Basically, it is how people feel affection and love is different based on your personality. Some people feel appreciated and loved by words of affirmation. Others by receiving gifts...Others like it by spending time with each other. I don't remember the fifth one, but you get my meaning. I like hugs."

"Ah, then ye should really like tonight," he grinned at her.

She poked at him, "That type of touch is not what I am talking about, James Alexander..." she paused.

"Malcom Mackenzie Fraser" he supplied, "if ye are tryin to call me by all my given names."

"It's alot to keep track of," she shook her head, mock wearingly. "But regardless, what's your love language, James Alexander..." she paused, "Malcom Mackenzie Fraser?"

He gave her a quick kiss on the head, "I dinnae ken all this rubbish, Eleanor, but ye do amuse me at times."

"The author has made tons of money on all this rubbish, Jamie. If only I could have thought of it first..." she shook her head, teasingly.

"Well, it would do ye no good now, would it?"

She laughed, "Point well taken."

"I need to get back to it lass." he jumped up and then offered his hand, helping her up.

"Thank you."

"Aye, yer welcome. Thank ye for helpin me break the day."

"It was Jenny's idea."

"Aye, but ye went along with it," Jamie leaned down, whispering it in her ear, conspiratorially. "So, I thank ye lass."

"Your welcome, then."

* * *

Ellie was undeniably nervous that night by the fire. The day was warm but the cold came in at night, the swing in temperature surprising to her. Jenny sensed that her sister in law was of sorts, and she tried to steer the topics of her unruly clan. They chatted and Murtagh told stories of Leoch and of Ellen Fraser.

Jamie's hand had moved to Eleanor's knee during the story, his hand heavy on her, but comforting. He caught her eye and she smiled wearily. He winked at her in response. And when the kids retired for the evening, with their hugs and goodnight kisses, Jamie stood, offering his hand to his wife.

"I think we will retire as well tonight. I'm weary from the day at the fields." He stretched and Eleanor tried not to react, but everyone understood his meaning quite well.

Murtagh titled his head, knowingly. "I can see that," he rubbed his beard, "Good night to ye, Ellie."

"Goodnight, Murtagh. Thank you again for the story. I love learning all about Jamie's family."

"Aye, I thought ye might appreciate the history, lassie."

"I do."

"And of course, I always love hearin stories of mama," Jenny rose and went to give Eleanor a hug and a kiss on the cheek, "Goodnight, Ellie. Sleep well." She turned to Jamie and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "And to you, brother. Goodnight."

Jamie's hand was tight in hers as their made their way to the door, where Ian was standing.

"Eleanor. Jamie." Ian stood, giving Jamie an affectionate pat. "Pleasant dreams."

Jamie lead her out of the study and up the stairs, only dropping her hand when they reached the door.

"That was totally obvious, Jamie."

"Aye, but not wholly unexpected," he said, pushing open the door to their room. "We are newly marrit."

She sat down into the arm chair by the fire, trying to calm her feelings. She busied herself by taking off her shoes and stockings before flopping back in the chair.

Jamie was busy undressing himself, his boots and socks.

"Maybe I need a drink," Ellie glanced up at the ceiling. "Maybe whiskey?"

"Ach, no," Jamie said, shaking a censuring finger in her direction, catching her gaze again. "Ye canna hold yer whisky, lass. I want ye fully in control of yer senses, wife. And ye already had two glasses of wine at supper."

"Stop keeping track, I'm an adult and perfectly capable of deciding how much wine I can have," she rolled her eyes at him, before rising and trying to side swipe his large presence in their room to reach the whisky.

He dove for her and grabbed her by the waist, them falling down on the bed, his weight on her for a moment, before rolling them to their sides. "Ye are lucky that I took ye on, my wee besom."

"What's that?"

"well, that means," Jamie kissed up her arm and then whispered in her ear, "your a difficult woman."

"Gee, thanks," she poked at his solid form, but then giggled. "So flattering." She laughed more. "But maybe not inaccurate at times."

He laughed with her and then the he sobered quickly, sitting up. "We should get ready for bed."

"Jamie," Ellie sat up as well. "What is it?" she asked, softly, her hand touching his arm, lightly. "What can I do?"

He turned to face her. "I never thought that I would be able to laugh again in bed with a woman."

She let out her breath and then leaned closer to him to rest her forehead against his, "Do you feel bad about it?" she murmured.

"I should," Jamie said, his arms encircling her waist, "but I canna help but feel grateful, lass."

She struggled under the weight of her swirling emotions. This position she had been put in felt impossible, but with Jamie, even after just mere days, she was learning it was possible to live in this time, to survive, to thrive. She missed Will and her babies desperately, but yet, she was grateful. Grateful that Jamie found her at the stones. Grateful that Jamie took her. It was all wrong, and yet it was right at the same time. Reason eluded her. She couldn't reconcile it, yet she was grateful all the same.

"Jamie?" her voice shook.

"Aye?" his forehead was still against hers, each of them feeling the breaths of the other.

She swallowed the lump down in her throat, "Will you help me undress? This corset is sucking the life out of me right now."

He pulled back from her and then gave her a grin. "Aye. Of course. We canna have that, lass."

He stood and then gestured for her to stand in front of him. "Turn around."

She turned around and he undid the buttons of her dress, it slipping down before untying her corset, unthreading it, slowly and deliberately.

The shift billowed out in release of what confined it and Eleanor rubbed her ribs. Jamie's hand rested on her hips for a moment, before turning her around to face him. Eleanor's eyes were suddenly on the floor.

He took a step even closer to her. He let go of her waist and his fingers reached to squeeze her shoulder, before going up her neck and resting on her cheek, rubbing it, before moving to grip her chin, tugging it gently up. Eleanor met his eyes.

She was nervous, yet he was steady and calm. Before she could think anymore on it he leaned over and kissed where his hands had first moved, her shoulder, up her neck, to her cheek, then her chin, before moving to claim her lips. At first, it was soft and gentle but increasingly became deeper, more forceful. The kiss broke, Eleanor catching her breath.

"Will ye no kiss me back?" His eyes were searching her own, seeking understanding. He reached for her hand, squeezing it.

She stood there for what seemed like for the longest time, indecisive, not sure of what to say. He was right. She hadn't kissed him back. She was willing for him to do this, but for her to be an active participant, that was hard for her to reconcile, considering she still felt married to Will. Jamie waited, patiently, his hand still in hers, not willing to push her until she was ready to speak, but not backing down as well. She would give him an answer. Eleanor sensing this, finally broke the silence...with the truth.

"I'm scared, Jamie," she confessed.

"I told ye that ye needn't be afraid of me."

"It's not that," Eleanor bit her lip. "I'm not afraid of you. I told you earlier."

"Then what?"

"What if I like it?" the words rushed out.

Jamie tugged at her hand, pulling her towards him and then wrapped his arm around her waist, holding her against his side. "Then we should count ourselves verra lucky indeed."

"We are married to other people."

"We are marrit to each other, lass," Jamie rubbed her back through the fabric of her shift. "Claire and Will are in their time. They aren't even born yet. But ye and I. We are here."

She swallowed hard and took another deep breath. "Do you mind if I take my hair down? It will only take a minute."

It was a plea for space to contemplate his words and Jamie even in his 18th century perspective was willing to honor...for a moment.

"Of course not," Jamie said. "Go ahead. I'll finish getting ready for bed as well."

Eleanor went over to the small table at the side of the room that held her brush and the box the held the pins to her hair. She began to undo it, carefully, mindful of the what was going on at the other side of the room as Jamie unbuttoned and shrugged of his breeks. He came up behind her.

"Let me see yer brush," he said, his voice low. She handed him the brush and he began to comb through her hair, his touch gentle.

He noticed the goose flesh on her arms, "Are ye cold, lass?"

She reached up to stop his hand and then turned to face him. "Yes."

He swallowed hard. "Do ye want me to help ye with that?"

She bit her lip, "Yes. No. Yes. No." she gave him a weary grin, "maybe."

He tossed her brush back on the table. "That's good enough for me." he put his hand behind her head and pulled her towards him, kissing her soundly. And this time she kissed him back.

He pulled back, a question in his eyes.

"I'm fine," she said. "Kiss me again, Mr. Fraser."

They kissed a while before Jamie gently eased her back onto the bed. He brushed her hair out her face and then rubbed her cheek with his fist. His hand moved down her neck and fingered the tie of her shift. He slowly and deliberately untied the front tie. His hand slipped underneath her shift.

He looked at her briefly, wanting to know she was still comfortable with him.

"Go ahead," she whispered. He began to caress and kiss her gently, exploring everywhere, reveling in acquainting himself with her body. After a while, his hand moved down her sides and before she could help it, she started to wiggle and laugh.

Jamie's head rose from his spot at her breast His smile was wide. "Ah, are ye a wee bit ticklish?" Jamie looked mischievous. "Where else are ye?"

"Jamie," she giggled. "What are you doing?"

"How about here?" Jamie asked, rubbing her leg. He began to move to different spots, testing them out. "Or here... Or here." His eyes gleamed as his hand slid up her shift, "or maybe here."

"Oh, God, Jamie..." her voice grew hoarse.

"Maybe not there, but ye like it no?" Jamie's mouth claimed her again, before she could answer him because he already knew the answer.

* * *

"Jamie, are you alright?" Ellie asked, her voice conveying her worry.

When he finished, he had very gently eased his weight off of her. Ellie reached up to touch a stray curl as he buried his face in her chest, his shirt rubbing against the fabric of her shift which had pooled around her stomach. He hadn't attempted to take off her shift nor did he take off his shirt, instead shifting the garments out of the way. She had assumed it was for her own modesty, but now his reaction concerned her. He seemed upset. Did she do something wrong?

"Aye. I had forgotten."

"What did you forget, Jamie?" Eleanor continued to rub her hands through his curls.

"The wonder of it all...this between a man and a women" he nuzzled further into her chest."It's been...well, before ye and I last week...since Willie's mother and that was only the one time," He rolled to his side and then pulled her against him, her back to him. "Thank you, lass."

"Of course," Ellie's voice was hoarse. "I know it wasn't...that I'm not..."

"Shh," Jamie hushed her. "I like ye just fine, Eleanor." He paused, "It wasn't too disagreeable for ye, was it now, lass?"

"No," Eleanor bit her lip, "Not at all." She turned in his arms. "Can you hold me though?"

"Aye, I'd like that. But hush now, it's time for sleep. Dawn will come soon enough. There is more work to be done." He sat up and extinguished the flame before settling down and pulling her close to him.

"Goodnight then, Jamie."

"Goodnight, Eleanor."

A/N: Hope you all are enjoying it. :) Up next: Eleanor's 21st century perspective collides with reality of the 18th century, causing a wee bit of trouble


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**:

"Are ye sure ye dinnae mind?" Jenny asked, arrange the foods in a basket.

"Of course not," Eleanor said, "I said I would be happy to help visit with any tenets especially with your hands so full."

"Now, Mistress Kirby is a fine woman with six wee bairns of her own, the latest born last week. The eldest is Young Ian's age, perhaps ye have seen him with Ian- Alistor."

"I think I have," Eleanor nodded.

"Mister Kirby is a fine tenet and farmer and a good husband to his wife and a good father to his bairns. There isn't a unkind bone in his body and that's a fact," Jenny said as she put freshly baked bread into the basket. "He'll be in the fields, but the mistress will be aching for a visit. It be a good tenet to visit at first, she will no question ye too much. There ye are. Young Ian will take ye, Ellie, play with Alistor and bring ye back when yer ready. Now, mind yer Auntie, ye wee rascal."

"Ach, Ma," Ian smoothed down his hair, "I'm just glad we have the day off of school even if Mr. Hodges be taken sick though serves him right."

"Now, that's enough out of ye."

"What's wrong with the school master?" Eleanor asked, twisting her hair.

"He takes no nonsense out of the children which is what they need," Jenny said, matter of factually. "Here's the basket, Ellie. Please tell Mistress Kirby that we send our best well wishes."

"Thank you, Jenny," Eleanor took the basket, "I'm sure we will be just fine."

"Aye, I ken ye will." Jenny said, shooing them out the door.

They were out of the yard when Ellie turned to Jamie's nephew. "Ian, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Auntie," Ian said, seriously, "though ye no have to ask for permission."

She smiled at him, "You seem like you don't like your school master, is that true?"

"Aye, Auntie," Ian said, "and it isn't like Ma says. He's mean and makes fun of ye when ye dinnae ken the answers. I think he takes a great pleasure in beating the right answers out of us, but dinnae tell ma I said so."

"Do you not know the answers alot?" Ellie asked.

"I canna seem to get the letters to come into words and its been years. I get by as best as I can, but I canna say that I willna be glad when I am old enough to stop going."

Ellie thought for a moment. "Will you show me your work later? Maybe, I can help if your Mama is ok...that is, if she is agreeable to that."

"Aye," Ian held out his arm to steady her as she side swiped a fallen branch, nearly tripping over it. "Careful, Auntie Ellie."

"Thank you, Ian." Eleanor said. "What's it like being the youngest of the family?"

"I think they dinnae ken what to do with me at times," Ian said, earnestly. "Uncle Jamie helps, but I fear I am trouble, Auntie."

Eleanor fought a smile, "I seriously doubt that, Ian."

"Ack, no, I've been over the fence post more than Uncle Jamie and that's sayin something."

"Your parents love you, Ian. And if you were perfect, I seriously doubt they would love you more. We love the imperfections in each other because that's what makes us human. My little ones, they were handfuls. But I couldn't love them more."

"What happened to them?" Ian asked, curiously.

"They are gone," Eleanor said, quietly.

"Ye dinnae have to tell me, if ye dinnae want to, Auntie. I am sorry I asked."

"No," Eleanor smiled, "I'm finding that it helps me feel better to talk about them...with Jamie, with Murtagh, with your mama. So, where to start?"

Ellie began to tell stories of her children to Young Ian, who was an easy companion. While she was sure he gave his parents a hard time, that walk with Ian was thoroughly enjoyable and Ellie thought he was a wonderful young man.

They reached the cottage in no time and Alistor greet his friend in the yard. "Ian! Come, I want to show ye somethin."

"May I, Auntie?" Ian asked.

"Of course, but don't venture too far."

"Mistress Fraser," Alistor greeted her, "Ma said to go on in."

"Thank you," Eleanor smiled at him. She pushed the door open to the cottage and her eyes adjusted to the dim light. A boy maybe just six ran up to her, an excited look on his face.

He bowed his head and then started to ramble at her, a jumble of words and pauses, Eleanor stopping to try to make sense of it. She could understand that he was trying to tell her his name and age and welcome her to the home.

"It's very nice to meet you..." she paused, not fully understanding his name.

"That's wee Rupert, Mistress," a lady came in carrying a baby. "Of ye go, go play with yer brother."

The lady curtseyed to her, "Welcome to our home, Mistress Fraser."

"It's so nice to meet you, Mistress Kirby. Mistress Murray sends her well wishes and is very sorry she could not come herself." She sit the basket on the table. "Is that your newest little one?"

"Aye," Mistress Kirby rocked the babe, "This is wee Rosie."

"Rosie," Eleanor went over to get a better look at the babe. "She is beautiful. Look at that hair. How precious!"

Mistress Kirby's face lit up with Eleanor's praise. "Would ye like to hold her?"

"Would you mind?" Eleanor said.

"It would be an honor," Mistress Kirby slipped the baby in her arms. "Have a seat, Mistress Fraser."

"Thank you," Eleanor went to sit down with the baby, marveling over the life in front of her. "When my youngest was born, she had all this black hair, very similar to wee Rose's," Eleanor said, allowing the babe to grip her finger.

"Ah, I was verra sorry to hear about yer husband and yer wee ones."

"Word travels quickly in these parts."

"Ye were fortunate to find a husband in Mister Fraser. Mister Jamie...well, we all think so highly of him, though he has verra often been met with misfortunate."

"Yes," Eleanor shifted the babe, "I think highly of him as well."

"Ye have a good touch with her," Mistress Kirby said, watching her with wee Rosie.

"I love new babies," Eleanor admitted, "They are just so sweet even if they require quite a bit of attention."

"That they do. Would ye like some refreshment?"

"That would be lovely," Ellie said, but they were interrupted by Rupert, who had come bouncing back in, rambling to his mama.

Eleanor listened intently as Mistress Kirby leaned in to whisper in his ear. He ran back off.

Ellie offered, "I hope Ian isn't excluding him."

"Nah," Mistress Kirby waved off, "I am sure it was his brother. The lads fight often." She paused, "Did ye understand my lad?"

"Yes, I did. I was a governess before I married my first husband. And my son had something similar. Does he go to school with his brother?"

"No, the school master dinnae take too kindly on him. I try to help him the best I can here," Mistress Kirby's look was far-off. Then she pulled herself in, "I'm sorry, I plain forgot about the drinks." She stood and went to busy herself with the drinks.

Eleanor looked down at the baby, but her mind was wrapped up in wee Rupert. She wondered if there was anything they could do to intervene to give the boy some help.

* * *

Later that day, Ellie went in search of her husband.

"Am I interrupting?" Eleanor found Jamie in the study, studying pieces of parchment, wearing his glasses.

"I am just tryin to make sense of these numbers," Jamie said, taking off his spectacles and chewing on the end, "I canna seem to get them to work. I am sure I am making some sort of foolish error, but I canna tell what it is."

Ellie walked over to sit on the desk in front of him, picking up the paper and looking at it. She stood with the paper. "May I have this..." she reached for the quill. "thanks."

"I dinnae think, lass..." Jamie said, but Ellie hushed him as she scribbled on the paper. "Here you go. You forgot to carry your number over here." She pointed to where the error was.

"Ack, there it was. Ye are good at figures then."

"I'm fair. I did take calculus at college though that was a long time ago. I do not remember any of it."

"What is calculus?" Jamie asked, putting the spectacles back on and studying the figures once again.

"It's the study of numbers and variables over time. it's pretty complicated math, but I took the easier version for non- mathematicians."

Jamie looked over her, in wonder, "ye are canny, are ye no?"

She laughed, "I'm really not, Jamie. I told you, it's what we do. I took all sorts of classes until I found what interested me. Women had the same rights as men and that especially included education."

Jamie clucked and then folded his glasses up, putting them away. "Did ye need to speak to me?" he asked, turning his attention to his wife.

"Actually, yes," Eleanor said. "Is this private enough?"

"Aye, but shut the door, lass."

Eleanor went to shut the door and Jamie stood, moving to the settee.

"Come sit with me," Jamie beckoned to her and she sat next to him. "What is this about?"

"Well," Eleanor let out a long breath, "I went to visit Mistress Kirby this morning."

"Aye, Jenny said ye would be. How was yer visit?"

"It was good. She is really sweet, Jamie and the baby is adorable. A little girl with lots of hair."

"Then, ye had a good visit."

"Yes, a very good one, except..." Ellie paused, biting her lip.

"Did somethin happen, lass?" Jamie frowned at her expression. "On the way or back? Young Ian was with ye, aye?"

"Yes, he was," Ellie quickly said, "And nothing happened. It's just that do you know that the Kirby's son, Rupert..." she bit her lip again, "do you know him?"

"Aye, lass," Jamie said, with a nod. "I ken the situation well. Young Jamie does too. And Ian and Jenny."

"The thing is, the school master, Mr. Hodges, he will not let Rupert go to school and that's where he can learn to correct his speech. It's completely treatable with the right instruction. I do not think it is a tongue tie because I can actually understand quite a bit of what he is saying and so can his family, but to the outside observer it would be difficult. Plus, he shouldn't be excluded from school. His language delay should have no impact on his ability to do math or think through things. It may affect his reading but cognitively he is most likely similar to his peers. And I could tell that he is. He was so personable and energetic. Can't you do something to allow him to go to school?"

Jamie put a heavy hand on her knee, patting it once and then stood, paced for a moment and then turned to her, "I dinnae think it is is possible, lass. Around here is is called the Devil's Tongue. A schoolmaster willna teach a lad with it. It simply isn't done."

"Devil's tongue?" Ellie rose too, "That's absurd. it's a speech delay, nothing more."

"There is nothing we can do, lass," Jamie said, his arms still crossed. "Ye need to stay out of it. Did you say anything to Mistress Kirby?"

Ellie paused and then shook her head, "I mean, I asked her questions about why he was not in school with his brother, but I did not make a fuss."

"Verra good," Jamie said, with a nod. "then no harm done."

"But," Eleanor look at Jamie, a pleading in her eyes, "Rupert should be afforded the same as his brother. What kind of life will he have if no one can understand him?"

"Lads are only educated for a wee bit of time to learn numbers and reading and such. Father wanted everyone to learn a bit, which is why the school master is here. Young Ian will have more than the others. Dinnae fash lass, the lad will be fine."

"Perhaps, if I talked to Mr. Hodges, then i could explain..."

Jamie's eyebrows rose. "No, that willna do. Yer a woman, lass. Ye dinnae have any merit here. He willna listen."

"But maybe if I just ask questions, as yer wife..."

"Eleanor," Jamie's voice held a warning, "it isna yer place to do such a thing."

"But they are tenets of Lallybroch, so maybe you could..."

"I willna say anything to him and ye will stay out of it, do ye understand?"

"But..." Eleanor looked torn, "I don't know if I can."

"Ye will, lass," Jamie said, pointing a finger at her, "I willna have ye interfering in things ye have no right to be interferrin in. Ye will abide by my word even if ye agree with it or no. I will require yer word that ye will."

"Jamie," Ellie looked at him, evenly. "I do not know if I can."

"You are a Sassanach, an outlander, Eleanor. Ye dinnae ken what yer interferences will look like to the others. Ye dinnae need enemies. What if you raise suspicions and people start to question why yer ideas are so radical?"

She looked torn, "I doubt my questioning would do such a think."

"Still," Jamie crossed his arms and stared her down, "I require yer word that ye will abide by my wishes."

His gaze was intense and stern and for a moment Eleanor saw the would have been laird of Lallybroch, the commander of troops, her 18th century highlander husband. And she knew it would be pointless to argue further. He would not budge.

She licked her lips, "I suppose."

"See that ye do," Jamie said. "Now if ye dinnae mind, I need to get back to this."

Eleanor approached Jamie and gave him a peck on the cheek, "Of course. I'm sorry I bothered you."

Jamie's hard look softened. "Ye are never a bother, lass." He reached for her to put his arm around her waist. It was that Jamie that she recognized, the man who so gently made love to her the past six nights, coaxing her to respond, being patient with her when she could only give him so much. Eleanor's heart twisted. "But..." Jamie gave her a pat on the rear, "I need ye to obey me, do ye hear me?"

"Loud and clear," Ellie said. But what she retreated from the room, there was another voice in her mind, coming through loud and clear. And she simply could not ignore what she knew in her heart and in her head to be true.

* * *

"Ian," Eleanor approached Jamie's nephew. "Do you have school tomorrow?"

"Aye, Auntie," Ian replied, "Mr. Hodges isna ailing any longer."

"That's good," Ellie said, "Do you think you could show me the way to the school house tomorrow?"

"Aye," Ian said slowly, "But I have to go early."

"That's perfect," Eleanor said, "Thank you, Ian."

"Yer most welcome, Auntie Ellie."

* * *

Ellie found the school master to be exactly what Ian portrayed him to be, cold and cruel and unwilling to see reason. She tried talking to him reasonably, but he was dismissive. When she argued, he shoved a hand in her face and told her that he would be addressing this with her husband, much to Ian's worried look. When she told him he was being unreasonable and he began to grab her arm and shoved her away. That's the moment when they heard a throat clear.

She could barely comprehend what was happening as a British solider unit approached the school house. That was either rotten timing or maybe provenience, since the school master had clearly thought she crossed the line and was about to put her in her place, no matter if she was the wife of Jamie Fraser or not.

"Madam, can we be of some assistance?" one of the soldiers asked he from his perch on his horse. "Is this gentleman troubling you?

"No, we are fine, thank you, sir. Just a mere disagreement on how to best educate the children."

"Is that so?" A tall handsome man got down from his horse. He looked young, but there was kindness in his eyes. "I'm Lieutenant Hawkins, ma'am. May I inquire about your name?"

"Good morning, sir," She gave a quick curtsey, "Eleanor Fraser."

"Fraser," the officer frowned, "I do not recognize your accent. You are not Scottish nor are you English."

"No, I am neither. I am from the colonies, from Virginia."

"What are you doing here in the Highlands?" the solider asked.

"It's quite a long story," she said.

"One, we would welcome to hear," The solider said, "Will you come with us? We are quartered not very far from here."

She looked wearily at the school master, but he offered no assistance, nothing to prevent her from going away with the British soldiers to God knows what. In her head, she heard Jamie's voice, "They did alot in the days and years that followed to show the force of their hand."

"Very well, if you wish," she glanced at Ian, who had grown extremely pale. "It will be alright, Ian. I will be home before long. Have a good day at school, dear."

"Take care, Auntie," Ian said and was about to run off, Eleanor assumed in the direction of Lallybroch, but the schoolmaster caught him by the collar. "Not so fast," he grumbled.

It was then Eleanor knew there would be no intervention. Her heart beat through her chest as the Lieutenant helped her up on the horse and led her away.

* * *

Lieutenant Hawkins made small conversation with her before leading her to a village with an inn. "We have made quarters here for the night. We are supposed to be visited here by one of the officers later today. I'm sure he will want to meet you."

"Very well," Eleanor allowed him to help her down and lead her into the tavern. They were greeted by a younger solider, whose eyes were lit with excitement. "He is here already and he has said that it is time to go home."

"That is good news indeed," Hawkins said, with a slap on the younger man's shoulder.

He led her up the stairs and pushed open the door, "Sir, we have a situation."

A man with blonde hair and blue eyes stood before her. "I see," he said, appraising the situation, "Lieutenant, kindly fill me into the particulars." His hand rested on the table, which was scattered with parchment.

"I found her being accosted by the school master in the country. She has a most unusual accent, sir. I wanted to make sure that she is in this situation out of her own will and I did not wish to make a stir with the villagers by questioning their schoolmaster."

"Very good judgement. Madam, I am Lord John Grey, an officer in his majesty's army."

"You're Lord John?" Eleanor's mouth opened, shocked at this turn of events. What were the odds that Jamie's friend would be here?

"Do we know each other?" John asked, "Hawkins is right, your accent is very peculiar. I cannot place it though I have traveled."

"I'm from the colonies, specifically the colony of Virginia," Eleanor said.

"Virginia," his eyebrows raised. "That is a long way from here, madam."

"Yes, it is," Ellie replied, "And no, we are not acquainted, but I think you might know my husband." Her face flushed deeply and Lord John turned to Hawkins, "Hawkins, our guest is looking faint. Will you not find us some tea and refreshments? I am sure nothing nefarious is going on, but you were right to bring her."

He nodded, "Madam."

She curtseyed, "Lieutenant."

When the door clicked behind them, Lord John said, quietly, "Madam, I require a name."

"I'm sorry," she curtseyed, "Eleanor Fraser. I have been married for the past month to James Fraser, I believe you know him."

He folded his hands, "James Fraser. I do see now. What a happy coincidence. You do look ill." He frowned and then side swiped the table to gracefully take her by the crook of her elbow and led her to a comfortable looking chair. "Here." He then sat in the chair closest to the chair he led her to. "Sit. Please, Madam Fraser." There was a slight pause between Madam and Fraser that Eleanor found somewhat odd, even though she could not imagine why.

"I'm not ill," She sat down, "I'm just..." She gave him a weary look, "Jamie is going to be quite put out with me." she blurted out.

Now he gave her a small smile, trying to hide his amusement. "I can only imagine. We will get to that matter in a moment. Pray tell me, how did a woman from Virginia come to marry a Scottish highlander?"

"My husband and my children died while we were visiting Inverness. I was alone, without any means to get home and Jamie happened upon me."

"He must have been quite taken with you if he married you at first meeting," Lord John commented, smoothly, but again, there was something to his tone that made Ellie pause.

"I doubt that. He is still mourning his first wife even though it has many years. But as I am sure you know, Jamie's sense of justice and honor can defy what is logical and rational."

"I do know that, of course, though I find him quite rational," Lord John said, "Jamie has told you of our history then."

"Bits and pieces. I know about Willie though if that is what you are asking."

He nodded and then rose, going over to the table and reaching for a piece of parchment. He scribbled a note for a few minutes and then folded it up, sealed it with wax and stepped out the door, "Hawkins, do you know the place Lallybroch?"

"Yes, of course." Hawkins said, briefly. "Would you like that delivered?"

"Yes, discreetly if you please."

"Of course, sir," Hawkins bowed and then left them, with a click of the door.

"Jamie is going to be angry," Ellie said, worriedly. "What did you say?"

"I tried to soften the blow the best I could," Lord John went to sit down again next to her, "I have no doubt he will be relieved that his wife is in safe hands."

She let out a long sigh, "I doubt it."

"Surely, you don't doubt that your husband has some regard for your safety," John frowned, "That isn't a very good appraisal of his character and as his friend, I must object."

"And as his friend, you should know that his regard only goes far as Claire. I may be his wife, but I am not his love and as such, in matters like these, the heart cannot intervene to sway your partner towards understanding when wronged."

"Ah, I see," John nodded, his eyes lit with compassion, "but I am sure you are mistaken, Madam Fraser."

"Please call me, Ellie or Eleanor, if you'd like," she said and then she hesitated, "is that acceptable?"

"Of course," John nodded, his eyes searching her, trying to make sense of it all. "He may be put out, but his anger will not last long, Eleanor, once the right is wronged. Tell me about the school master."

Ellie filled him in best she could and Lord John looked troubled. "The highlanders are known for their superstition. Unfortunately, this seems another occurrence of that, at the expensive of a little boy. But Jamie is right, you will not sway them. It will only serve for getting you in trouble. And that sort of trouble in the highlands, that could carry most unwelcome consequences for you. Jamie was right to discourage it. And you are most fortunate Hawkins came along when he did."

"I guess I am just not used to what things are like here," Ellie said, quietly, "I thought I could change his mind. I was foolish."

"Indeed, though," John leaned forward, "I do believe that being foolish when it comes from a place of care and compassion is not the blot on your character as you might feel at the moment. In fact, it is quite the opposite."

"You are really kind," Eleanor said, "Jamie speaks so highly of you, Lord John."

"Does he?" John mused, "I am surprised he spoke to you of me at all."

She smiled, "He told me of Willie when he was trying to get me to speak of my children."

John rose, "I have a portrait of him, somewhere. I carry one with me when I travel." He reached for his satchel and began to pull out books. He opened one and pulled out a portrait. Walking back over, he handed it to her, "Here you are. This is William or Willie as we like to call him."

She smiled, "Ah, I see his father in him."

"Indeed, he is so much like Jamie in appearance and often times in character," Lord John said, "He of course knows nothing of his heritage, but often Isobel and i marvel at the uncanny resemblance."

"He is certainly handsome. I know you are proud of him," Ellie handed the portrait back.

"Enormously," Lord John put it back in the book.

"I also see that you pack alot of books with you when you travel," Eleanor commented.

"Do you enjoy reading?"

"Very much so, though I haven't done much since arriving in Scotland."

"What a shame," Lord John said. "What type of reading to enjoy?"

"A bit of adventure. Some mystery. Poetry sometimes," Eleanor said.

The tea had arrived and Lord John motioned it to be sat on the table near Ellie. "May I trouble you to pour?"

She smiled, "Not at all."

They drank tea and easily carried on their conversation. Lord John found Jamie's new wife to be quick witted and a happy companion. And while he wanted to be jealous of her, Lord John felt a kinship with Eleanor, wrapped in the fact that while she had Jamie, she was well aware that she could never truly have him. It was a feeling he could relate to quite well.

* * *

Jamie was out of his mind in concern. "Did she not leave a note?" he asked, for the 100th time.

"I'm sure she is just takin a walk," Jenny said, "I had asked her to visit a few more tenets, perhaps she went before I had awaken."

"We checked and she is no where," Jamie said, "She dinnae ken the land well. She could be lost."

"We will find her, lad," Murtagh said, but his face was also creased in concern. "it is not like Eleanor to wander though without letting someone know."

"She was upset yesterday," Jamie said.

"About the Kirby lad?" Jenny asked, "ye dinnae think she would interfere, do ye?"

"I ordered her not to, but..." Jamie frowned, because while she gave her word, he wasn't actually sure she would have been able to drop the matter she felt so passionate about just on an order from him.

"She isna used to takin orders from ye and her mama heart was stirred by the wee lad" Jenny said, matter of factually, "Ye canna blame her for that. But if she did go to the school master, there will be debts to pay, Jamie."

"Aye, I ken that well, Jenny, and she will pay them," Jamie groaned, "Will ye go check with Ian at the Murrays, maybe she went there?"

"Aye, brother, I will, but if ye do find her, dinnae be too harsh with her," Jenny said, "she isna ken to our ways and God only kens how she will respond."

"She will be fine, Janet, I thank ye to let me handle my wife as I see fit," Jamie retorted and Jenny left, throwing up her hands.

"She isna wrong, lad," Murtagh intervened, "it will surely be easier to smooth things over with the schoolmaster than to come down too harsh with the lassie."

"I gave her orders to no interfere in this, and if she did, then they only way things will be settled with the school master, will be to take my wife into hand, Murtagh. Better now, then later, when she does something truly egregious. She has to ken that i ken what is best and submit to my judgement. I canna have it any other way, especially with her being who she is. What does she ken of things?"

Murtagh shook his head, "I dinnae blame ye, lad. I canna say that I would do differently. She thinks she kens much."

"And that makes it all the more imperative for me to address her disobedience now. It was a order and she agreed to it, which makes it all the worse. If she did do this, then it is not just about the defyin, it's about lyin to boot."

"Aye," Murtagh said grimly, "But perhaps, this is all for naught."

"I hope so. But even then, she should have left a note. I had discussed with her not wandering far. She dinnae ken the land or how to survive if she is met with a wild animal."

"Aye," Murtagh agreed, "Who is that now?" he looked out into the horizon. "Is that a British solider?"

Jamie covered his forehead with his hand, "Aye, I believe ye are right."

The solider rode up to them, "A message for Mr. Fraser of Lallybroch."

"Aye, that is I. What is this about?"

The solider handed him the message, "From Lord John Grey."

"Lord John?" Jamie asked, surprised. "Thank you."

"What does he want, lad?" Murtagh frowned deeply. He did not approve of the friendship between Grey and Jamie.

Jamie tore open the seal and read the contents. He handed the note to Murtagh.

He grunted and scowled, "At least she is with Grey," he muttered. "i'm coming with you and you will no argue with me, lad."

"Of course, let's go get my fool heided wife." Jamie looked grim. "Though I canna say I am looking forward to this."

"Aye," Murtagh clasped his shoulder. "But ye are her husband. And ye have a duty to Eleanor. Let's go lad."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N/Warning: **Jamie applies some 18th century discipline (aka... The reckoning). Not as explicit..

**Chapter 7**:

"I thank ye, John," Jamie said, his voice even as he bowed before his friend, "for sending word that Eleanor was safe with ye."

"Of course, Jamie," Lord John said, standing and bowing himself, "I was delighted to keep company with your lovely new wife. But I doubt the school master feels the same. You will surely have a mess to sort out there."

"No doubt," Jamie gave his wife the side eye.

"Jamie," Ellie titled her head, as she stood from her chair, "It wasn't my fault."

Jamie stilled, not scarcely believing her bold words. He looked at John, before heavily turning towards her, "Did I not tell ye to stay out of it? Did I not order ye to not go and visit the school? Whose fault would it be if not yer own?" His eyes bore into hers from across the room.

"Well, technically speaking, _James_," Eleanor raised her eyebrows and Lord John gave a discreet cough, "if Mr. Hodges wasn't such a ridiculous bear to begin with, this wouldn't have happened. He nearly attacked me for just simply offering a few suggestions."

"I told ye to leave well enough alone," Jamie glared at her.

"But I was right! If you would just listen..."

Jamie loudly cleared his throat. "We'll discuss this later, Eleanor... _in private_."

"I want to discuss this now," Eleanor said. "_In front of witnesses_."

John couldn't help the laugh that escaped. "Very well played, Madam Fraser."

Jamie gave an easy smile to John and then stepped across the room, towards his wife. He gripped her arm hard and then turned her away from the others and whispered in her ear, "Take care, lass. This is _not_ how a wife talks to her husband especially in front of company."

Eleanor leaned towards Jamie, "Even if I was right? Or can I not possibly be right because I am only a woman and am inferior to the vastness of your wisdom?"

Jamie leaned back in, "Ye are on troubled ground, clearly more so than ye realize. I'd suggest ye take this time to figure how to feign contriteness if ye do not feel it in yer heart."

Eleanor paused and then closed her mouth. She thought it might be wise not to overestimate his progressiveness in such matters. "Very well."

"Good choice," Jamie said, lightly, relaxing his ironclad grasp and turned her back towards the others.

Lord John cleared his throat again with a small cough. "I am sure the matter with the school master will be resolved satisfactorily, Eleanor. I would not worry. Jamie can surely handle it without lasting consequences."

"Aye," Jamie moved his hand to wrap his arm around Eleanor's waist, and pulled her into his side. "It already has been settled. I paid him a visit on the way here and ensured him that he would have no more trouble from my wife."

Eleanor pulled away, "You did that without talking to me about it?"

"Aye," Jamie said, pulling her closer to him again. "But dinna fash, you and I will also discuss it at lengths together."

"Lovely," Eleanor retorted, her face flushed.

Murtagh stepped forward, "Why don't I take Eleanor downstairs, Jamie? I'll get her a drink." He stepped to his godson's side, "She's lookin like she might need a moment of..." he paused, "reflection."

"Verra well," Jamie said, "but dinnae coddle her, Murtagh. She is in the wrong and she must accept it. She could have gotten herself killed."

Eleanor's temper snapped. "Good Lord. Don't be so dramatic, Jamie."

Lord John turned his head and coughed again. He was undeniably amused by the interplay between the two of them. The new Madam Fraser wasn't giving up any ground to her husband easily.

"That's enough out of ye, lassie," Murtagh grunted before Jamie could respond. He took her arm, "Ye need to cool yer temper before ye say something ye cannot take back, Ellie. Come with me."

"Very well" Eleanor replied. She turned to Lord John. "Lord John, it was so nice to meet you."

He bowed as she curtseyed. "I look forward to the day we meet again, Madam Fraser."

She smiled at him. "Thank you again for your hospitality."

"My pleasure, Eleanor."

Jamie turned to John when they had left, the door clicking closed again behind them. "It was fortunate that you were in town, John when your officer brought her in. What are ye doin here?"

"I have been tasked to check in with the units in the highlands and to bring the happy news that we are finally leaving for other endeavors."

Jamie raised his eyebrow and John continued, "And indeed, it was fortunate my officer was there to step in. I'm not sure what would have happened otherwise." John laughed, "Good God, it is good to see you, Jamie."

"You as well. And thank ye again for takin care of Eleanor for me."

"She has proven excellent company," John said, "She is charming, Jamie. Witty and spirited. Wherever did you find her?"

"Inverness. The poor lass tragically lost her husband and children when I happened upon her."

"Ah, yes, indeed. She told me that. It was fortuitous you were there then. But what in God's name compelled you to marry her?" He paused, realizing how that sounded, "I can see her appeal now, though she is awfully..." he frowned, "progressive, perhaps, but she is charming company, though surely you did not know that at the time."

"Ah, well," Jamie gave a lopsided grin, "I felt a kinship with the lass. She needed me and truth be told, I dinna realize it at the time, but I needed her as much as she needed me."

"I see," John nodded. "Then I am pleased for you." He paused, "You do know that your school master has a beastly reputation according to my officers. I do hope you do not think me to be overstepping, but I do feel obligated to tell you that she is probably accurate in her assessment of matters."

"I ken," Jamie said, "But it is none of Ellie's concern. She is a woman that kens her own mind and likes her own way."

"I trust you'll be gentle with her, Jamie. I do believe her intentions were good whatever the outcome."

Jamie snorted. "Murtagh is fortifying her with whiskey. She'll survive my censure, John. I canna abide giving her a direct order and her not following it."

"Well," John folded his hands, "How about a drink and an update on your son? And maybe a game of chess? I sense that Madam Fraser might need a lot of fortifying, though I would have never thought Mister Fitzgibbons would have been the one to do so."

"He likes Ellie," Jamie said, easily. "A game of chess would be a welcome diversion."

John clamped the arm of his friend, "It is so good to see you, Jamie."

"You as well," Jamie smiled back.

* * *

"What do you think he will do?" Eleanor asked Murtagh as she stared at the bottom of her drink. "Is he terribly angry with me?"

"Aye," Murtagh said, grimly. "As for what the lad will or willna do, I canna say."

She eyed him, "Or you will not say."

"Aye, or that," Murtagh said. "Drink up, lassie. Ye will need it."

"Oh, good Lord," Eleanor took a gulp. "What am I going to do?" she pushed the drink away, it burning her throat.

Murtagh pushed the drink back in her direction, "Drink. That's what ye are going to do."

"And then what?" Eleanor looked at him, forlorn.

"Ye are goin to follow Jamie's lead," Murtagh said, "and accept whatever comes."

"Do I not have any say to whatever that comes?"

Murtagh winked at her, "Aye, ye can have a say and I suspect ye will, but it willna make a difference."

Ellie reached for her drink and took another gulp, it burning all the way down into her stomach.

* * *

An hour later, Jamie came down the stairs. "Let's go, Eleanor," he said, his voice low. "Ye'll ride with me."

Eleanor bit her lip, but she stood and followed him out the door, Murtagh following close behind.

"Give me yer foot," Jamie said and then held the horse steady, but turned to talk in low tones to Murtagh. Ellie, from her perch on top of the horse, strained her ears to try to understand what he was saying.

Murtagh nodded and then climbed onto his own horse and Jamie climbed up behind her. "Let's go." He put his arm around her waist and they trotted away.

"Ye are awfully quiet for being so spirited earlier," Jamie commented after a few minutes of silence.

"She was like that with me," Murtagh offered. "Perhaps the lassie regrets what happened."

Eleanor stiffened but remained quiet.

"Or maybe not," Jamie muttered. They remained quiet for a good while longer before Ellie blurted out, "I can't believe that you appeased the man who was trying to attack me. And...he did nothing to stop the soldiers from taking me. What the hell, Jamie?"

Jamie pulled on the reigns and then hopped off, taking her down with him. He tossed the reigns to Murtagh.

"Come with me." He roughly took her hand and dragged her through the woods, Eleanor stumbling over branches, but Jamie's pace didn't slow.

"What are you doing?" Ellie asked, as she tried to keep up.

"I need to show ye somethin."

He led her to a cave, by a stream. "What is this place?" she asked.

"This was my home for seven years after Culloden," he dragged her in, "Take a look, Ellie. This is where I lived on the run from the English."

"Jamie," Eleanor's voice cracked as her eyes wandered around the dark, cramped, damp cave. "I...I don't know what to say."

"Dinnae say anything," Jamie said, simply. "Just look around."

She took a look around the cave. "How did you manage?"

"It was either live here or be hung," Jamie said. "There is something else I have been needing to show ye."

"What?" Eleanor's heart filled with dread.

Jamie shrugged off his shirt and turned around. "Look."

Eleanor stepped closer to him as Jamie moved into the entrance of the cave, so the light could shine on his back to give her a good look.

"Oh my God," Eleanor bit her lip hard, tasting blood. "What happened to you?" she reached to touch the scars on his back, her fingers light against his scars. "How old are these?"

"They are faded now, Eleanor, but they are still there. They will be there for the rest of my life. I was flogged. Twice. This was in the years before Culloden. Before Claire. I was young, barely a man. I was trying to stop them from raping Jenny. They arrested me and this was the result."

"Why haven't you shown this to me before?" Eleanor's fingers were still on his back, unable to wrench them away, "Jamie...why now?"

He turned and then reached to grasp her face, "You asked me why he dinna try to stop the English. Because even now, the memories are too fresh. Hawkins and Grey, they are different. But ye were lucky that this wasna a few years back. Even so, Hodges would be too fearful to interfere, especially for a woman that just gave him a tongue lashing, because while ye dinnae ken, he remembers. He was only a boy, too young to go off and fight."

"Were you ever going to show me this?" Eleanor asked, tears springing to her eyes.

"Eventually, when I thought you could handle it," Jamie admitted. "I dinna think ye could. But ye left me no choice today."

She backed up, bumping against the wall of the cave. "I'm sorry, Jamie."

"Aye, I ken ye are...aboot this. What about fer earlier today? Are ye sorry about that?"

Eleanor let out a long breath.

"I dinna think so," Jamie gestured for her to come, "we have more to discuss, but not here." He lead her out of the cave and shrugged back on his shirt, before offering his hand.

She gave him a long, searching look, which he returned evenly, his hand still outstretched.

"Come, Eleanor," he finally said. She put his hand in his and allowed him to lead her back to Murtagh and the horses.

* * *

"Where are we?" Eleanor asked as Jamie got her back down from the horse.

"I will return the horses and come back in an hour," Murtagh said.

"Thank ye," Jamie said as he pushed open the door of the cottage.

He went over to light the lamp on a small table. "Come in, Eleanor."

"Where are we?" Eleanor repeated.

"This is Murtagh's cottage. Did ye ever wonder where he lived?"

"I thought he had a room in the house," Ellie said, "This is homey. Murtagh lives here?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Since I returned from Hellwater," he paused, "the English manor where Lord John sent me after prison. Where I met Willie's mama."

"Why are we here?" Eleanor asked, fingering the table.

"It's more private," Jamie said, frankly. "And I need it to be. Sit down, Eleanor." He pulled out a chair for her and his tone had left for no argument. She sat down and Jamie took the other seat.

Jamie didn't waste any time, "Ye gave me yer word." He crossed his arms and looked very serious.

Eleanor swallowed hard, "I did not think I had a choice."

"What did you think you would accomplish?" Jamie asked, frowning. "Surely, you had a plan."

She let out a breath, "I don't know. I just know I had to try."

"How did you find the school house?" Jamie questioned.

"Young Ian," Ellie said and then quickly added, "Please do not blame him."

"I no blame him, I blame ye," Jamie said. "I'm just trying to figure out what ye were thinkin, Eleanor."

She stood and paced the room, "I don't know, Jamie. I don't know what I was thinking! I just...I had to do what i thought was right. I had to follow my heart."

He slammed his fist on the table, "Ye canna follow yer heart here. Ye have to use yer head."

"Well, maybe I can't do this life! I'm way over my head." Eleanor's voice raised.

He stood, "I am tryin to help ye do it. But I canna if ye will not heed my word, Eleanor."

"I wasn't wrong. I'm right about Rupert...and the way he is being treated, it breaks my heart. I cannot stand for it, Jamie."

"Many things are not just or fair. But it is the way it is."

"We can change things!"

"Not this," Jamie said, evenly. "I told ye. We are no changin this. It only served to raise suspicions about ye. Suspicions that we no need."

"I can teach him," she offered.

"No!" Jamie's voice raised now. "How will they think that ye learned everything that ye are teachin him?"

"I don't know. I can come up with a story."

"We are already coming up with too many stories about ye, Eleanor. And yer a horrible liar." Jamie said.

"But you aren't, so maybe you could..."

"Enough!" Jamie's tone was harsh.

Eleanor froze and stared at him.

"No, ye don't get to do that," Jamie met her stare.

"What? What am I doing, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, frustrated.

"Acting scared of me," Jamie said, "Not after your dreadful display with Lord John."

"I did not do anything wrong."

"Aye, ye did, and if ye canna see it, we have a problem, Eleanor. A big one."

The tears started welling up and over, "Please try."

Jamie took a deep breath and let it out, trying to reign in his temper, especially with Eleanor beginning to cry. Eleanor was far more free with her emotions then Claire had ever been. He tried to gentle his voice. "That willna work."

"If Mrs. Kirby agrees to it..."

"Ye willna be getting _Mistress_ Kirby's hopes up."

She froze at her blunder. "We'll have to just agree to disagree."

"No," Jamie said, evenly, "Ye will have to agree to agree with me."

"That's ridiculous. I can think for myself." She wiped at her eyes.

"I dinnae say that ye canna think for yerself. I said ye have to obey me when I give ye an order."

"I'm not just going to roll over for you, Jamie."

"Aye, lass, ye are," Jamie said.

'No, Jamie, I won't,' Eleanor's voice raised again.

"Aye, lass ye will," Jamie's volume matched hers, "If ye canna do so willingly, I will bend yer will to mine."

"And just how will you do that?" Eleanor asked.

He swept over to her and reached for her hand, raising it to hold it against his chest. "Look at me," Jamie commanded and Ellie looked into his eyes,

"I am going to punish ye fer what ye did today. And then i am goin to give ye my word that every time ye engage in such folly as to go against my express wishes, that I willa do the same. That's where we will start."

She looked at him, aghast. "Jamie!" She tugged her hand out of his grasp and took several steps away from him. "That's crazy."

He took a step forward and she backed further away from him.

"Stay away from me," She raised her hand, "This is why Murtagh gave me the damn whiskey."

"Aye," Jamie said, his hand up, beckoning to her, "Come here."

"No!" Eleanor yelled at him. "You cannot just decide to beat me every time I disagree with you. That's not how a marriage is supposed to work. Are you insane?" She began to cry more earnestly. "I have to go home." She buried her head and her hands and began to fall apart, all the anxiety from the day, unraveling her, bit by bit. "I'm not strong enough."

Jamie studied her, finally realizing how frightened Ellie must had been all day. His heart stirred towards her and then he beckoned to her, "I willna touch ye...not yet at least, but come over here and talk to me."

He sat down on the bed that was on the other side of the small cottage. He patted the spot next to him and seeing little choice, Ellie crossed the room to sit next to him.

"What is it?" she sobbed. "You are not going to change your mind."

He put a heavy hand on her knee. "Ah, no. I willna."

"Then _what is it?_"

"It's not fer disagreeing with me," he patted her knee, his touch almost comforting. "It's fer disobeying me. There is the difference, ye ken. Ye can disagree all ye want. Ye do have a keen mine and I welcome yer thoughts, but as far as disobeying, that's the line. It has to be the line, Eleanor."

"But I don't have to obey you, Jamie," Ellie said, "don't you see?"

"But aye, ye do," Jamie said, evenly. "I ken that is different then what ye are used to, but I have to insist on it."

"Jamie," Eleanor's heart beat through her chest, "Please don't do this."

"It isn't as bad as ye are makin it out to be. Trust me, as a surly lad, I speak from experience," He lifted his hand from his knee and patted her back, "It will be over soon."

"But why do this?"

"Even if I was of the mind to reconsider, I promised the schoolmaster I would take ye in hand. And I must."

"You are doing this because of that horrid man?" Eleanor looked hurt.

"Nah, I would have done it in either case, so I had no problem offerin that up as appeasement to him," Jamie said, "Ye just said earlier that ye are not too keen in bending yer will to mine and i believe that, Eleanor, more than I believe that ye will change that view without some compelling reason to. And I ken from experience this can be verra compelling."

"You don't understand," Eleanor said, "I will not be able to handle this. I will not be able to see you the same."

"I dinnae think that will be the case, but even so, it is a chance I am willin to take," He turned her towards him, "Look at me."

She forced her eyes on him. "What is it?"

"Claire was almost burned at the stake for being a witch. But she was no a witch. She was just from the future as are ye. She used her knowledge of the future to heal people and that is part of the reason why they convicted her."

She began to shake and Jamie held her steady. "I need ye to be cautious. Ye are from a different time. And ye have different views. Ye ken things that ye shouldna. I canna have ye being reckless, lass. I made ye a promise that I will protect ye. Even if it means protecting ye from yerself."

"Jamie," Eleanor leaned her head on his chest. The thought of her being burned alive was too much for her to handle. She wanted to bury herself in him and away from this awful century she was living in. She wanted to return to Will, who was steady and gentle and to Harry and Charlotte who were her world.

But she could not. And in the back crevices of her mind and in her heart, she knew how fortunate she was to have Jamie. Truth be told, any other man from this century probably would have done the same thing when faced with insubordination. She could not blame him for that. But any other man wouldn't know her truth. He would probably believe that she was a witch than to believe she was from the future. She was free to be herself with Jamie and that was a blessing she could not deny.

And yet, as she felt the strength of his arms around her and the solidness of his form, she knew that if Jamie unleashed his strength on her, he could kill her. She did not think he would mean too, but he could get carried away.

"What are ye thinking on?" Jamie asked, his voice low and soothing.

"You could really hurt me."

"Aye, I could," Jamie said, matter of factually, "But I willna." He leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

"I'm scared."

"I ken." He wrapped his arms even tighter around her, whispering words in Gaelic that she did not understand, but still eased her soul.

"I've been scared all day."

"I ken that too." Jamie said. More Gaelic and her breathing eased more. Jamie did not move to let her go, just held her and let her process and express what she needed to. He would not back down and she knew that, but she also knew that he would not squelch her feelings.

"Riding with the solider, I just kept thinking in my head of what you told me about how they did so much to assert the power over the highlands. I did not know what I was facing."

"I'm sorry fer it, lass, truly I am. I dinnae want to think of ye as scarrit, but I ken ye must have been. I'm just glad John was there fer ye when I couldna be."

"He's a good man."

"Aye, the best," Jamie said, easily, "though he did try to make his case fer me to be gentle with ye."

"Did he know that you would beat me?"

"Probably suspected so," Jamie said, frankly. "He told me ye have verra good intentions which I ken already. The problem is good intentions dinnae get ye verra far in the highlands."

"I still don't think I can do this," Ellie said, honestly.

"Ye dinnae have much of a choice," Jamie nudged her up by the shoulder. He moved both hands to her shoulders and then leaned down to look her in the eye, "Best to get it over with. The waitin makes it worse in yer heid. We'll talk more after if ye'd like."

* * *

Eleanor leaned over, hyperventilating, holding up her dress with her arms, which had come unbuttoned and loose. "I can't breathe." She reached back for her laces, "Damn these laces. And damn you James Fraser."

Jamie looked over to her, surveying her. "I have bites and scratches from ye, lass."

"Which you deserved every bit of it," Eleanor hiccuped. "Did you think I would just submit to you without a fight? This isn't 50 shades of grey, you know!"

"Well, truth be told, I kinda though ye might. Ye had calmed down quite a bit from earlier when ye were all riled up." Jamie retorted, honestly. "Though I am kinda glad ye didn't. Ye were fierce lass. I dinna ken ye had that fight in ye."

"Of course, I fought back. It hurt!" Eleanor cried.

She had tried to not, but instinct took over and she ended fighting with him. Logically, she knew it was a fools errand to do so, somewhat akin to wrestling with a bear, he was so solid and towered so much over her. But after earnestly trying to lay still and grit her teeth and take it, she realized how much it was going to hurt and she lost her mind with him. He hadn't expected her to fight and she had gotten some good scratches and bites in and was half way across the room, before Jamie singlehandedly threw her over his shoulder and onto the bed. From there it went all downhill for her, smothered in the blankets and held in place by the ironclad grasp of her husband, who wasn't going to let his guard down again. It was bloody awful, hurt like hell and Jamie decided to lecture her the whole time, which only added to the ordeal because Jamie could be quite persuasive in his righteousness when laying into you, which was someone of a oxymoron considering what he was doing in the moment.

In retrospective as she was retreating to the other side of the room to lick her wounds, she knew that Jamie had used a considerable amount of restraint with her and had managed to keep a tight reign on his temper when she had clearly lost hers. It was awful and humiliating, but she was aware that it could have been much worse if he had lost his temper. He had kept to his word to her even when she had not to him. Still, her twenty first century ideals could not help but to want to make him feel guilty over it even as he was bound to his eighteen century world view where this type of behavior was completely acceptable.

"Aye, it was supposed to," Jamie said. "Ye ken that was the purpose of it all." Jamie clasped his belt into place and the walked over to sit in the corner of the room next to where she was crouched, leaning over. "What's 50 shades of grey?"

"A book." Ellie fell to her knees, "And a movie. I'll tell you about it later when I am not so damn pissed off at you. You are trying to distract me from being pissed off at you, but I am. Only the worst sort of men do this to their wives in my century without their consent. You do know that. The _worst_ kind of men. It's actually against the law. You would be put into jail if I reported you in my time. What do you think of that?"

"If ye are still spouting off at me, I doubt I hurt ye that badly. I went easy on ye, lass, because I ken that ye aren't used to such things."

"Well then," Ellie groaned, "Should I thank you for beating me, Jamie Fraser?"

Jamie laughed, "I willna go so far to say that."

Eleanor gave him a look and Jamie winced, "Ach, lass, do ye really think I am the worst sort of a man?"

"No," Eleanor hiccuped. "You know I don't."

"Then stop sayin things ye don't mean." He reached out to tentatively touch her arm, but she shrunk away.

He sighed. "Do ye want privacy? Or do ye want me to stay and talk to ye?" Jamie asked, dropping his hand to his side.

"I don't know. I don't really have experience in this sort of thing. What do you want?"

"I wanna stay with ye, lass, but I ken yer pride is smartin, so if ye'd rather I not, I willna be offended."

"Don't you feel bad?" Eleanor asked, looking over at him.

"Not particularly," Jamie retorted, easily. "I dinnae think I was unfair or cruel to ye. I'm sympathetic because I'm sure yer miserable right now. But I wasn't the one that caused this."

"So generous of you," Ellie sniffed. "I'm going in between wanting to punch you in the stomach to wanting to curl up against your chest and sob. I just don't know how I should feel, Jamie."

"I'd might suggest that ye not opt for the first one," Jamie said, raising an eyebrow. "But as for telling ye how ye should feel, I canna. I dinna understand where ye come from. Justice is justice, Eleanor."

"And compassion is compassion," Eleanor retorted, "and gentleness and respect and kindness. All of those are equal virtues with justice."

"Do ye not think I am all of those things?" Jamie asked, quietly.

She laughed and sobbed at the same time, "The thing is I do. I do think you are all of those things. God, my head hurts. I cannot wrap my worldview into yours." She paused, for there was someone else who could have shed a light of how she should feel, whose worldview was not quite as modern as her, but modern enough to think it reprehensible. "Did you ever do this to Claire?"

He should have been prepared for the question and yet he stumbled over his response.

Jamie stilled. "Aye," he hesitated. "Once."

The hesitation was enough for Eleanor to read the situation pretty succinctly. She quickly looked up at him and into his eyes, searching them. She groaned. "And she told you never again and you submitted to her wishes." The tears began to flow again more quickly.

"Aye," Jamie told her, his voice low. "But this is not about Claire, lass."

"And if I said never again, what would you say?" Eleanor wiped at her eyes.

"It's different."

"How?" She pushed herself off the ground to awkwardly rise, she still holding up her dress with her arms. "That you loved her and not me? Is that the difference?"

"It's not what ye think," his voice was low and serious as he rose.

"It's exactly what I think! You had this soul binding, passionate, bodice ripping kind of love story with Claire- the kind you only see in books and movies. Of course, you would give into her. How could you not? But me? Our story is only meant for stupid fanfiction, that's us...so I'm destined to be beaten into submission every time I step out of the great Jamie Fraser's wishes..."

"What the hell are ye blabbering about, woman?" Jamie asked.

Eleanor paused and then retorted, heatedly, "Just never mind."

"Eleanor, I willna apologize for lovin Claire."

"I'm not asking you to. I'm asking you to tell me that you respect me as much as you do her. As your wife. And I am your wife too. I've done everything you have asked..."

Jamie began to laugh, "what the hell was all of this about then? If ye had done everythin I asked, we would no be in this situation."

"Okay, almost everything..." Eleanor amended. "Somewhere in your heart you know this is wrong."

"I do not have to explain Clare to ye," Jamie crossed his arms.

"I already understand the situation pretty well even if you choose to tell me or not," Eleanor said, her lip trembling fiercely. "Do you you think Murtagh has returned yet?"

"Lass," Jamie responded, his voice growing suddenly weary, "Please be reasonable."

"I want to go home. Do you think he would walk me home? I know we rode over here but given the circumstances..."

"Aye, but..."

"Call him." Eleanor insisted, her voice rising.

"Eleanor, I think we need to talk."

"Jamie, I really think I can't be near you right now." She sunk back down to her knees and buried her head. "You said it was my choice. And I made it. _Please._"

"Verra well," Jamie went outside the cottage. He was gone a few minutes and Murtagh came in. He took one look at her and went straight over to her side. Gripping her by the arm, he pulled her up.

"Let's take ye home, lassie," he said.

Eleanor struggled to her feet, and tried to get the buttons to her dress.

Jamie took a step towards her but she held out her hand, "Do not come near me."

Murtagh took her by the arm and lead her through the woods a few minutes to a nearby stream. "Splash water on yer face and then lean against the tree and calm yerself down," he told her, sternly. "Ye canna return to Lallybroch lookin like this."

She did as he said and then he walked over to her and leaned against the tree with her.

"Any man in his right mind would have done the same thing. Ye must accustom yerself to our ways and not fly off the handle at anything ye feel is unjust," Murtagh told her, his voice low, but calm. "It is fer yer survival to heed Jamie's orders."

"Would you have done the same thing?"

"Aye," Murtagh said, reaching to squeeze her arm, once, "but I doubt ye would have still the energy to be able to still be so surly."

"Lovely."

He winked at her, "Yer spirited, lassie. And its a good thing for ye and Jamie. But to go against his verra wishes and lie aboot it, a man can only abide by so much. Canna ye not see reason?"

"It's not that," Eleanor took a breath and then turned around to lean her head against the tree. "I can forgive him for beating me. I know it is acceptable in this century. I _know_ he is a _good_ man. I trust him. And I value what he thinks so much. I do. I know he thinks I don't, but I do. I know he will not truly hurt me. Nor do I think you would have."

"Of course not, Ellie," Murtagh said, "So ye are able to see reason. Then why are ye still so upset with him?"

Eleanor turned towards him. Murtagh was studying her carefully, his face drawn in concern.

"I asked him about Claire. He said he beat her _once_."

"Aye," Murtagh nodded, "I remember it well. And if yer askin, she was alot worse of than ye are now though her offense was far more egregious."

"He said he beat her _once_."

"I ken, what of it?" Murtagh asked, concerned.

"Once. Why only once?"

Murtagh frowned, "I ken yer meaning now."

"She told him no and he vowed never to do this to her again. So he knew somewhere that it wouldn't be okay with me. But he didn't care. He cared at what she thought, but not what I did."

"He told ye that?"

"More or less," Eleanor sobbed. "I asked him if I said no too, would that change things and he straight up told me it would not. And it hurts. Because I want him to like me. But I shouldn't. Not yet. But I do."

"Ach, lassie, come here," Murtagh put his arm around her shoulders. "The lad will come around, Eleanor. He should not have said such things to you about Claire. I can see why yer feelings are so sore. But ye need to learn from this. Do not interfere in things that are not yer business."

"It's just that little boy, Murtagh. It's not the devil's tongue. And it's close to me. If Harry was treated that way because of his speech delay. It's hard to feel that other people thing there is something wrong with your child when there is nothing actually wrong."

"Yer lad had somethin similar?"

"Yes," Eleanor leaned against him.

"Did ye no tell Jamie?" Murtagh asked.

"No."

"Not even afterwards?"

"No." she shook her head.

"Don't ye think ye should have?"

"Probably," she sniffed, "but he should have showed me his back ages ago. And told me what the British did to him and the fact that he lived in a damn cave for years. I would have understood. He doesn't trust me."

"Ye need to give him cause to trust ye," Murtagh said frankly, "And the way i see it, ye did the same thing to him yer complainin about. Ye dinnae tell him about yer bairns until he asked. Ye dinnae tell him about yer son's speech. Ye canna have it both ways, Ellie."

"He beat me," she turned around and cried into his shoulder.

"Aye, and it will feel better soon, mo buidheag."

"Thank you for the whiskey earlier," she sniffed.

Murtagh chuckled, "Yer welcome. Dry yer tears now. It's time to go home."

"How will I face everyone? Do they know what happened?"

"Aye, but it will soon be forgotten," Murtagh assured her. "Until ye do the next fool heided thing."

She giggled and wiped her eyes. "What does mo buid... what is it again?"

"Mo buidheag. My friend," Murtagh answered.

Her heart nearly melted. He was so gruff and yet so sweet at the same time. And she counted him as a friend as well.

"Thank you."

He nodded. "I'll walk ye back."

They walked back in easy silence, Eleanor grateful for the quiet. She just didn't know if she could face Jamie again.

**A/N**: Jamie does have his reasons for refusing Ellie and in his head it is all quite logical...that will be explored next chapter, after some more drama.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:** Thank you to the one reviewer of the last chapter for your thoughtful review. After reading it, I reworked some of this chapter. Hopefully it turned out okay! if you are reading, drop a line to let me know what you think and if you have any thoughts or ideas. Thank you! :)

**Chapter 8**:

When Murtagh brought her back, she retreated to the sanctuary of her room, but not before a quiet word from Jenny.

"If ye no feel like comin down for supper, I can have Janet bring ye up a tray," Jenny put her hand on her arm, rubbing it slightly.

Eleanor's eyes filled with tears and Jenny immediately put her arms around her, "yer heart was in the right place, Ellie. Jamie kens it too." She pulled away to look at her in the eyes, "Dinnae fash, sister. All will be well between ye and Jamie soon. Ye should have seen him when he were missin. I havena seen my brother that bothered about a women in a long time. And while it dinna feel it at them time, that should be welcome news."

She nodded taking a breath, "Thank you, Jenny."

"Aye, go rest. Ye look shattered."

She nodded and Jenny watched her to retreat to her room before turning to Murtagh and Ian Sr, who had appeared next to him.

Ian cleared his throat, "it no yer business, Jenny."

Jenny gave him a incredulous look and went to check on supper.

* * *

Eleanor fumbled with the laces to her corset trying to get relief from the stifling garment. The corset combined with her posterior was miserable. She collapsed on the bed and closed the curtains making the room dark. And then she fell asleep.

She had nightmares of Harry and Charlotte being in danger and she not being able to save them. Will was there, saying how she betrayed them all. He was shaking her by the shoulders when she was suddenly pulled out of her nightmare.

"Ye need to wake, Ellie," Jamie said. "It's supper time."

Ellie rolled back over to her other side, "I'm not going. Jenny said I did not have to."

"And is Jenny yer husband?" Jamie asked, shaking her once again. "Wake up."

"Go away," Eleanor moaned as she swatted at his hand. "I am not going."

Jamie finally just lifted her out of the bed and deposited her on the floor. "Ye are going. Get dressed. It's time for supper. I willna have ye hidin out in here."

"You are such a bully," Eleanor grunted. "I'm really not hungry."

"That's unfortunate," he reached for her corset and tossed it to her. "I'm famished."

"I'm sure you worked up quite the appetite," Ellie glared at him.

Jamie grinned at her, "I worked up an appetite in other ways though I no think ye will appreciate them." He went over to kiss her neck as she was fumbling putting on the corset.

She turned around and smacked at his solid chest, "Did you not forget that not only 3 hours ago, you and I had a massive argument?"

"Ach, no," Jamie said, "but I'm moving past it, I suggest ye do the same."

"You can not just ignore what happened," Ellie said, aghast, twisting to pull her laces.

Jamie took them from her and pulled them tighter, "Aye, I can. And ye can too."

"Yeah right, Fraser," Ellie said and pulled her dress on, buttoning it. She reached for her brush and brushed it out, before braiding and it and tying it together with a ribbon. "Let's get this over with."

He extended his arm to make way for her, guiding her out of the room, "After ye, lass."

* * *

Eleanor had entered the room, finding Jenny. She whispered into her ear and Jenny nodded. "Aye."

Ellie then sat down, somewhat gingerly, next to Murtagh, instead of Jamie. Ian looked amused and Jamie looked put out.

"Is that chair comfortable for ye, Mistress Fraser?" Jamie asked, his eyes on her.

"Quite, thank you," Eleanor replied, reaching to gulp her wine. Truth be told, sitting was uncomfortable, but she was determined to bear it in a manner of a wife from this century. _More wine_.

She turned to Murtagh and began to converse with him, wanting to show Jamie that she wasn't going to let this go easily. Jamie had a lively conversation with the children, but he would glance over to Ellie, aware of how comfortable she was with Murtagh. It dug underneath his skin that while things between them could be tense and stilted at times (thought it had been improving vastly) that Ellie was clearly so comfortable with his often taciturn godfather. Ellie had even charmed Lord John earlier today and given John's persuasions, it even annoyed him more. His own sister had given him scathing looks since he had returned to Lallybroch and it seemed to him that Ellie had created sympathy for herself that wasn't quite earned considering she had put them all in this verra position. He did notice that while she was talking to Murtagh and then with Jenny, she wasn't really eating.

Ellie forced herself to engage in conversation and not get angry at Jamie who was acting like nothing was amiss. And it took everything in her to force food down and not squirm too noticeably. Jamie had yanked her stays tighter than usual and it made breathing even more difficult. And then Jamie was taking an insanely long time to eat his food.

"Have another bannock," Murtagh said, "ye need to offset the wine yer guzzling down," he whispered in her ear.

She reached for the bannock and then paused, taking another breath, trying to quell the nausea.

"Eleanor," Jamie said from across the room, his eyes meeting hers, "Can ye pass me more of the potatoes, lass?"

"Ye must be especially hungry, Uncle," Young Ian said, "that's yer third helping!"

Eleanor reached for the potatoes, the shifting heightening her discomfort. She noticeably winced and then flushed red. She was going to kill him, he knew exactly what that movement would do to her.

"Here," Murtagh said, giving a warning look to Jamie, "I'll take those, lassie."

"Thank you," Eleanor said and then glared at Jamie, who shrugged.

"Riding all over the countryside to go rescue yer Auntie made me hungry," Jamie said, sticking a forkful of potato in his mouth, his eyes still on Ellie.

"Clearly," Eleanor grunted, the flush heightening.

"Brother," Jenny said, his eyes between the two of them, "I think we should retire to the other room."

"I'm almost finished, Janet," Jamie said, "Eleanor, would ye like some more? Ye haven't eaten much."

"No, thank you, James," Eleanor grunted.

They all watched Jamie slowly chew his food, methodically, before Eleanor, unable to stand it any longer, stood, "Jenny, I'm sorry. I think I need to lie down." It wasn't even the pressure and uncomfortableness of her posterior, it was more the spar with Jamie in front of the others that was causing the strong desire to retreat to her room.

"Aye," Jenny said, her voice soft and calm, "Of course, Eleanor. I'll help ye to yer room."

Jamie looked over to her. "Do ye feel unwell, lass?" he asked, his voice light.

Her lip trembled, "You win. In a battle of whom can be the biggest ass, you certainly win hands down. I fear I could never compete with you."

Ian snorted from down the end of the table and Jenny tried to hide a smile as she rose and went to Ellie's side. Murtagh shook his head wearily, knowing Jamie would respond in a temper.

Jamie paused and then rose, crumpling up the napkin that was in his lap, "I wasna the one who brought shame to this family. I wasna the one who got taken by the English. But everyone is thinkin that I am a monster for doin right by my wife. I didnae leave ye to the English. I dinnae allow the situation with the schoolmaster to get out. Yer reputation is intact and that of our family, but I am wrong to think that there must be some reckoning for yer atrocious behavior?"

"I do not have the monopoly on atrocious behavior, but you go ahead and enjoy your third helping of supper," she said, with a toss of her head.

"For Christ's sake, Eleanor. Ye need to buck up, lass," Jamie said, his eyes on her, "we have all had our arses beat from time to time and even Young Ian manages to make it through supper."

"Jamie!" Murtagh snapped and then rose before Eleanor could respond. "I need to speak with ye. Now, if ye'd please."

Jamie followed Murtagh out of the room.

"Come along, Eleanor," Jenny said, after they left. She put her arm around her waist. "I'll help ye to bed."

"Wait, Mama," Young Ian rose and then went over to his aunt. "Auntie, I am truly sorry if I caused ye any pain. I shouldna have brought ye to Mr. Hodges."

Eleanor pulled away from Jenny to bend down and look in Ian's eyes, "The fault lies with me and me alone, Ian, darling. I am sorry I dragged you into it. Will you forgive me?"

Ian nodded and Ellie reached to give him a hug, holding him against her.

* * *

"What the hell are ye doing, Jamie?" Murtagh asked, when they entered the study.

"She earned what she got tonight," Jamie said, "choosing to sit next to ye than me, making me look like the fool."

"Eleanor dinnae need do anythin to make ye look like a fool," Murtagh retorted, heatedly. He pulled his fist back and socked Jamie in the mouth. He leaned over as Jamie reeled from the punch. "For Christ's sake, ye are worse than ye were when ye were a lad of sixteen- cocky, arrogant fool."

Jamie wiped the blood from his lip and eyed his godfather. He took a deep breath and nodded at him. Murtagh hit him again. And then again. Then once in the stomach.

Jamie bent over, taking the censure from his godfather. "Yer right. I was cruel to her right now."

Murtagh stepped forward and put his hand on his shoulder, "Aye, ye were."

"She wasna exactly innocent either."

"Aye," Murtagh squeezed his shoulder, "but her pride is in tatters."

"I wasna cruel to her earlier," Jamie said, seriously. "I dinna lose my temper with her until when continued with her temper tonight."

"Aye," Murtagh said, his hand still on Jamie, who was leaning over. "Ellie kens that ye will never look on her they way ye looked on Claire. But she wants ye to be fair."

"I dinnae think I wasna being fair."

"Then ye have to explain it to her, Jamie. She dinnae ken what she dinnae ken, ye ken?"

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, straightening himself up and wiping his bloody lip, "Ye didna have to hit me though. Ye could have just talked to me."

"Ye needed it ye are so hard-heided when yer back is up," Murtagh said, slapping him on the back, "Go make amends with yer wife."

* * *

Eleanor shifted back onto her stomach, trying to get comfortable when Jamie came into the room.

Eleanor turned back around and looked at him, "What happened to you?" she asked, noticing his swollen lip right away.

"Murtagh," Jamie rubbed his lip. "It looks worse than it is."

He went over to sit next to where she was lying on the bed. "I deserved the blows, Eleanor. To tell ye about Claire...it was cruel considering yer feelings about what just happened, but it isna what ye think."

Eleanor struggled to sit up, wincing slightly.

"It will pass soon. I should not have forced ye to supper and my behavior at supper was beastly. I'm sorry about that too. I was an arse. I dinnae ken what came over me."

Tears filled her eyes at his admission. "I may have pushed your buttons," she admitted, quietly, then adjusted, "Poked the bear. Encouraged you to anger."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie searched her teary face. "Still I'm old enough to ken how to act even when provoked."

"I am too though," Ellie swallowed hard. "I want to leave but I'm too scared to leave," she confessed.

He let out his breath, "Aye. I ken. Turn onto yer stomach, Eleanor."

"Why?" she asked, startled.

He raised an eyebrow, "I'm not gonna beat ye again, mo gharaidh."

"What does that mean?"

"_My dear_. Now do as I say."

"I really wish you wouldn't say such things to me," Ellie protested, the tears now spilling over as she didn't try to openly fight her emotions. She wanted to go home. But then she wanted to stay and understand him, to learn more about him and the way he worked. When it came down to it, she didn't know what she wanted. She rolled on her stomach, mainly to bury her head in the pillow so he couldn't see her choked sobs any longer.

Jamie lifted her shift. "Yer feelings are sore now, lass. Ye can either continue to fight me or listen to what I have to say. I promised ye that I would not tell ye lies so when I say, mo gharaidh, I mean it." He rubbed something wet, but soothing on her. "There, come now, I wish to talk to ye."

Eleanor rolled off the bed and went to where Jamie was now seated in the chair.

He patted his knees. "Come and sit with me."

She hesitated. "Your knees are hard, Jamie."

He chuckled and reached for her, "Come to me, mo gharaidh."

She allowed Jamie to pull her onto his lap and then she buried her head in his neck and he could feel her tears on him. His heart stirred. His emotions about all of this was just as messy as hers. He dinnae want to respond to her the way he was. He liked her and he dinnae ken what to make of it all.

"I need ye to listen to me and since yer feelings are still so sore, ye don't have to look, just listen, aye?"

She nodded into his neck. "I'll try."

"Yer so innocent, Eleanor. Claire had faced war. She had seen men die before. She had witnessed the worse of it all as a nurse in the war."

She nodded into his neck, "World War Two. That was a terrible time."

"Aye."

"I couldn't have done anything so brave as her," Eleanor mumbled. "She was fierce, wasn't she?"

"Aye, she was, but that isna the point. And ye can if ye want to. God kens ye are canny and carin enough. Ye chose differently and it wasna wrong. Ye helped wee ones learn and that is important in yer time just as much if ye had chosen to be a healer. And perhaps a little brave as well if all wee ones in yer time are as spirited as yer wee ones."

She laughed in spite of it, "I may have stories."

"Aye, I'm sure ye do. And I want to hear those stories soon."

"Really?" she lifted her head.

"Aye. I love yer stories," Jamie said, his voice low. "Ye have wit, lass. And it's charming."

She blushed. He smiled at her.

She raised her eyebrows at him, "I'm still pissed at you."

"I'm not done." he poked at her side. "Listen."

"Fine, go on then," Eleanor said, but her demeanor had considerably softened towards him. "Claire was in a war, so..."

"So, Claire and ye were different. Nothin could shock her. And when it came to using sound judgement, I trusted her more than ye."

Eleanor's mouth opened to protest, but Jamie quickly clarified, "_Not_ because she is better than ye, it's just she understood life and death decisions because she made them often...Yer world was rosy. Ye never seen such hardship. The verra thought of the English shooting men after the battle or me being flogged or ye burning at the stake, it visibly affects ye." He took a breath, "And I wanna to protect ye from it, Ellie. I canna explain how much. The thought of ye hurt or broken, the thought of ye unsafe, it makes me feel things that I havena in a long time."

She bit her lip, "It's only because you are so honorable, James."

He shook his head back and forth, "It's more than obligation, Eleanor. I dinnae just think it, but I feel it too- in my depths. Do you ken what I mean?"

She nodded.

"And I cannae protect ye if ye dinnae listen to me. And I dinnae ken how to put that sense into ye except by threatening ye with this because ye haven't lived in dangerous times and Claire and I have. We ken our limitations, ye dinnae."

She paused, contemplating his words. She was silent for a few minutes and he waited, letting her process.

"You could teach me those limitations."

"Aye, what do ye think i was tryin to do when i told ye no?"

"Oh," she fell silent. "Crap."

"Dinnae fash over it, lassie," Jamie said, kindly, "it happens to the best of us."

"I still don't think ye should have beat me over it, Jamie," Ellie said, honestly, "and you aren't 100% correct about my time being so rosy. There were different dangers. I had been blessed not to face those things personally but every day, stories that even would horrify you are on the news...the television." She swallowed hard and hesitated.

"What kind of things?"

"They had to train us, Jamie, for active shooters."

Jamie looked quizzically at her and Ellie continued, "In my country, there would be mass shootings where a deranged individual would go into places and just start shooting everyone in sight. But the guns fire a whole lot faster in my time. It happened at schools, Jamie. At churches. And so, a couple times of year, we have to train the kids how to hide just in case. And every time we have those drills, I am faced that I could have to make a decision one day to forfeit my own life to protect my students, knowing my kids would grow up without a mother..." she paused, "which they aren't growing up with one any way, but that's besides the point. Anyhow, at least, you know your enemies. Our enemies come in surprising times and places and without warning often."

Jamie put both of his hands on her face, "That's awful, mo gharaidh. That makes no sense."

She sniffled, "Just as the highlands make no sense to me, but I appreciate that you want to protect me. I do appreciate it." She traced the side of his face with her fingers. "But beating is not the way to force my submission. I can logically see it from your worldview and how it would seem just to you, but there were alot of things that seemed just at the time because they were the norm, three hundred years from now will be looked back upon as reprehensible. Right is right, Jamie. And I can't pretend it isn't." She took a breath, "I'm stuck here with you and I am grateful for you. So enormously grateful, but you and I have to find a way to compromise on this. I have no choice but to remain here. I'm aware that I can be difficult. And I'm sure there are times Will wanted to throttle me," she swallowed hard. "We have to both agree to it, Jamie. Please give me the choice to consent or not if you are in the mind to dole out some discipline."

Jamie reached to wipe the tears that were flowing down her face, contemplating his next move. Finally, he lifted her chin up to look at him again. "Aye."

"Do you understand?" Eleanor held her breath.

"Aye," Jamie said, "but i need ye not to fight with me. I need ye to respect and obey my wishes seein I am the one who kens what it is like to live in this time. I canna have ye be that reckless, Eleanor. I canna not have ye undermine me. But I willna lay a hand against ye without yer permission."

She let out her breath. "Very well. I can abide by that. I do not foresee that I'd ever give you permission, but..." she blushed. "Stranger things have happened. I may lose my mind one day and consent. Who knows?" her face got redder.

Jamie threw his head back and laughed. "How many years did ye say that ye were married and how many bairns did ye borne?"

"I grew up pretty sheltered," Ellie said. "It's only recently after many years of marriage, that I felt freer with things." She blushed more, "Until I met you, who can look at me and make me blush just with one glance."

He smirked at her, "I think I like ye, Ellie." he said, "thank ye for making me laugh again."

"Do you think I am very funny then?" Ellie said, her lip trembling, trying to ward of the laughter. She slid off of his lap and went to find a cloth. She poured the pitcher of water into a basin and dipped the cloth in it. Then she went back to Jamie. She dabbed at his lip. "It's bleeding a little now."

"Aye," Jamie said, his eyes on her. She dabbed at his lip again and then put the cloth aside and very gently kissed him on the lips. "Does that hurt?" she asked.

He gave her a smile, "Why dinnae ye try again and then I'll ken fer certain?"

She very gently kissed him again and he reached up and fiddled with the strings of her shift and this time, he pulled it off of her shoulders, it falling to a heap on the floor.

"What makes you think I am not still angry with you?" Eleanor twinged as he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her back to sit on his lap.

"I dinnae ken if ye are angry or no," Jamie said, kissing down her neck, "I suspect no. However, I want ye Ellie. Will ye have me?" He stared into her eyes and while Eleanor had instantly nodded, he repeated his statement with more emphasis, "Will _ye_ have _me_?"

She chewed on her lip, sensing they were at an impasse. She was so attracted to Jamie, even more so sitting there naked on his lap, but a sense of propriety and loyalty to Will had caused her to keep a reign in her responses to him. "You beat me this afternoon. I should be righteously indignant for a bit longer."

"Aye, but we still have to get ready for bed so," he lifted her up of the chair and carried her to deposit her gently on the bed. He quickly undressed himself."Tell me about this Fifty Shades of Grey."

"A bedtime story?" She asked amused as she turned on her stomach and he flopped down beside her on his side. "You want me to talk naughty to you then?"

"Was it entirely naughty, lass? Ye surprise me."

"i was curious," she defended, the blush increasing as she tried to hollow herself into the bed.

"Aye, yer curiousity can get ye into a wee bit of mischief, aye?" he carefully patted her bum. "Do ye mind?"

"Mind what?" Ellie asked, turning her head again towards him.

"Lying here with me like this?"

"Yes. I feel vulnerable."

"Yer beautiful."

"I'm fat. Baby weight that I never got over. Stress made me keep gaining the pounds. I was much thinner when Will and I first married."

"Yer healthy. And verra pleasing, lass," he patted her again. "Now tell me about this...story."

"It will shock you...even after everything."

He laughed. "Now ye really must."

"Very well," Eleanor said, "I'll start from the beginning."

Jamie listened to Ellie give him the cliff notes version of Fifty Shades, his jaw dropping at certain parts.

When she finished, he said, "People printed this and others read it?"

"Yes," she said, with a blush.

"And ye read it?"

"Yes," she blushed deeper.

"Did yer husband ken?"

"Of course."

"And did he approve?"

"Yes, actually," she tried to slide off the bed, but Jamie reached quickly to grab her pulling her back onto the bed. "Not so fast, mo gharaidh."

"I'm cold. I want my shift."

He held her fast, "What do ye like?" his voice was measured.

"I thought I told you not tonight."

"I dinnae think ye said that outright," Jamie answered, evenly, "And I dinnae think ye meant it at the time. I dinnae think ye mean it now. Do ye?"

She gave him a look, "I suppose i could be persuaded..."

"If," Jamie relaxed his hold and gently pushed her back on the bed. He began to kiss down the length of her body, gently rubbing her leg as he did, "it is only fer me to apologize properly, lassie. Ye willna deny an apology, would ye? That wouldna be against yer..." he raised his head to look at her mischievously, "righteous indignation?"

She wiggled. The sting had long gone down, but she could still feel a bit uncomfortable.

"Ach, I do need to apologize, mo gharaidh," he gently cradled her bum, easing the pressure, before leaning over her and burying his face in her.

"I don't think..." Eleanor began to protest, but she stopped when she realized she very much didn't want to stop him. And for the first time, she allowed herself to be free with him and give into the seeds of desire that had been slowly cultivated every night for these past few weeks.

* * *

Afterwards, Eleanor traced her fingers along his back, her tips dancing over the scars. He had fallen asleep on his stomach soon after both of them breaking under the weight of their passion, her for a second time that night as he made love to her. She had tried to do the same, but twently minutes later, she realized that she was wide awake, thinking of all that transpired that day. All she learned about Jamie and his past. She leaned down and kissed them, softly, her tears falling over the criss cross lines.

Jamie opened an eye, "They dinnae hurt any longer lass."

"I know that."

"Then why are ye crying?" he asked, but did not move to stop her from touching him and kissing him.

"I'm thinking of you cold in that cave for seven years. Of how you must have felt. And after the battle. And before that when you were being whipped almost to death. And after that having to part with your children...I know you will never be happy without her, but I want for you to never feel those things again. The pain and loneliness," the sob caught, "And I only know that I haven't heard the half of it."

"Aye," Jamie said, his tone measured, "Ye haven't."

"I'm sorry I did not take you seriously, Jamie. I was prideful and I was wrong not to listen. And I'm sorry. You know that, right?" she leaned her head to rest on his back.

"Aye, I ken."

"It's just people would look at him differently," Ellie said.

"Ah," Jamie shifted gently and she lifted her head. He sat up and reached to pull her to lean against his chest, him supporting her. "Harry?"

"Yes."

Jamie sighed, his breath blowing her hair. "Why dinnae ye say anything, lass?"

"I don't know," Ellie admitted. "Maybe it was too close, too soon. He made such progress when there was somebody behind him believing that he could. He was so bright, but some couldn't see past his jumbled speech. Rupert sounds remarkably like him before Harry got help. Hearing his little voice, my God. I had to do something to help him, Jamie. I just had to."

"Oh, lass, I'm sorry. _Truly._" He kissed her head softly, then reached to smooth down her hair, in a comforting motion, "I should have ken somethin was amiss by yer instance."

"Would it had changed something?"

He pulled her tightly against him, "Perhaps I would have been a wee bit more patient in explaining it to you and made sure ye were settled with it before dismissing the discussion. Ye should have said somethin."

"And you should have told me about your back instead of hiding it every night. Trust goes both ways. I know I have to earn it, but I am trying...with your family, with the tenants."

"I ken ye are," Jamie said. "And I appreciate it." He kissed her hair. He shifted her gently out of his arms. "Eleanor," he looked weary all the sudden.

"What is it?" she searched his eyes.

"I still have dreams about what has happened in the past."

"I'm know you do." She bit her lip, "Who is Jack Randall?"

Jamie looked horrified, and Eleanor said softly, "you said his name the other night. You were having a nightmare. I tried waking you up, but couldn't. I cuddled up next to you and rubbed your back and you quieted down."

"Aye," he frowned, remembering something.

She blushed. "You thought I was Claire. You said her name right before you relaxed."

"Aye."

"It's okay, Jamie. Really. We can't help our dreams. I'm just thankful I was able to stop the nightmare. It sounded so heartbreaking."

"Ye are a remarkable woman, mo gharaidh."

She smiled at him, "Thank you. Will you tell me about Jack Randall?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. He kissed her head again and then went over to find two glasses and the whiskey, pouring the drinks. He handed one to her.

"He's the devil himself and I ken he is burning in the fiery pits as we speak. He gave me the scars on his back and so much more." Jamie took a drink, "Do ye really wish to ken about him?"

She nodded, "But only if you feel like you can tell me."

"Aye," he nodded, "Ye gave yerself to me tonight, Eleanor. Ye dinnae have to. Ye could have continued to let me in yer bed but kept yer distance, but ye dinnae. I ken what that cost ye even if ye dinnae say it."

"Yes," she said, simply. She would not deny that it was true. She allowed herself to be passionate with Jamie, not simply submit to his wishes. And that action did cost her. It cost her the memory of something sacred between her and Will as she felt herself edging further and further away from her old life.

He traced her face before tapping her nose, "And now I will give another part of myself to ye, my past..."

He dived into the story of Jack Randall from start to finish, all the torrid details, Eleanor listening intently. And when he got to Wentworth, he didn't hold back. And then it was Ellie's turn to wipe his tears as she let her own fall.

"I dinnae ken why I am cryin over this, I dinnae usually. It has been long buried."

She nodded. "I don't think it is just over this..." she said, quietly. "You have let me in, Jamie."

"Aye. It isna easy."

"It never is," Eleanor said, reaching for his hand, "thank you."

He nodded. "I canna go to sleep now though or the dreams wlll be fiercesome. It is always like that when I am reminded of somethin, it finds its way in."

She squeezed his hand and then placed it on her chest, "then perhaps, we can replace those thoughts with other ones. Are you open to a distraction?"

He caressed her gently, "Aye, mo gharaidh." He leaned down to kiss her as she put her arms around him.

* * *

"I have a request," she said, afterwards as she rested her head on Jamie's chest.

"Verra well," Jamie said, "Ye ken how to get me in an agreeable mood."

"Can I just go talk to Mistress Kirby about Harry and what we did at home to help him?"

Jamie paused for a few moments, "Ye are set on this."

"Yes. But I won't if you tell me it is not appropriate."

"Nah," Jamie said, "I think it would be fine for ye to do so seein it seems that ye and Mistress Kirby got along fine to begin with."

"And," Ellie listened to the thumping of his heart, "Young Ian is having trouble with his lessons. It would be fine as his Auntie, with Jenny's permission to do them with him, don't you think?"

"Aye, if Jenny says so," Jamie said, "but she likes ye so I dinnae think she will have a problem with it."

She lifted her head, "Thank you."

"Aye, lass. Now put yer heid down and go to sleep."

"Yes, sir," She plopped her head down on her pillow and onto her side but Jamie turned towards her and pulled her, against him.

"Ye figured out a way to get exactly what ye wanted," Jamie said, "me wee besom."

"Jenny said that was an insult," Eleanor mumbled.

"I dinnae mean it as one."

"She said that too after I told her the way you said it," Ellie responded, "She thought it was quite funny actually."

"She's been called that plenty of times before," Jamie said, "Sleep, wife."

Suddenly, she felt quite warm and sleepy with Jamie's body weight against her. 'Goodnight, Jamie."

"Goodnight, lass."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Thanks to those readers who have taken the time to review or subscribe to the story! It keeps encouraging me to continue...a "lighter" chapter ahead...**

**Chapter 9**:

"There is nothing to fear," Jamie said, extending his hand in his wife's direction. "I have been around the horses all my life. I willna let ye hurt yerself. Come now."

Eleanor shook her head swiftly, "I really don't think this is necessary."

"Now, lassie, ye really need to learn how to ride," Jamie countered. "It is important." He looked at her pale face,

"Are ye really that skittish?" he asked, patting the horse, while Ellie stood steps away from him.

"I just...I'm not graceful...or coordinated...I'll fall off." She backed up again. "If I can even get up there on my own."

"I'll help ye on. And no, ye won't fall," Jamie said, "because I'll be right here." he turned his head towards her, "Come and pet her. She is a beauty."

"Jamie, I can't do this," Ellie said, "I'm afraid of falling."

"Even we lads and lassies can learn how to ride, Ellie" Murtagh said, chewing on a blade of grass, watching the two of them with amusement. "Jamie has been around the horses for years now. He kens the beasts well."

"See, beasts..." Ellie said, giving Murtagh a pleading look, "That's exactly what I mean. They are unpredictable!"

"Do ye always like to be in control, lassie?" Murtagh asked, eyebrows raised, his eyes twinkling.

Jamie snorted and Ellie rolled her eyes.

"God help me, you two!" she groaned.

Jamie gestured to Murtagh and he went to go take hold of the reigns for Jamie, not able to hide his mirth at Eleanor's disgruntled state.

"Now," Jamie took her arm, "It is important that ye learn how to ride, Eleanor. For yer own safety. And we ken how seriously I take that. Are ye going to continue to offer excuses or trust that if I taught a wee lad of four to ride that I can teach a wee lassie of thirty-three?"

She bit her lip. "I am about as graceful as lump on a log," she said, her face flushing as Murtagh threw back his head and laughed.

"Lassie has a point there," he wheezed.

Jamie titled his head in his godfather's direction, "Dinnae embarrass the lass further, Murtagh or we'll never get her on the horse." He put his arm around Eleanor, "Now mo ghraidh, I ken yer may not be the most graceful, but that is no reason not to try. And ye make up for it in other ways."

"Lad is right, Eleanor," Murtagh offered,trying to sober up, "Ye are the most canny, funny lass I ken."

"I'm glad I can humor you, Murtagh, glad I'm good for something," Eleanor retorted, but allowed Jamie to guide her towards the horse.

"Go ahead, she is a sweet un," Jamie said.

"Not unlike yerself," Murtagh offered and reached out and gave her an affectionate pat.

"Well, thank you," Eleanor gave him a smirk and then began to pet the horse, who responded to her well. "I can pet them just fine, I just have trouble getting on and off."

"Not enough practice, I suspect," Murtagh drawled and Jamie's jaw twitched, the only sign he allowed that he appreciated his godfather's dry wit.

Eleanor paused and then said rather sassily, "For your information, Jamie is the one who likes to be in control, Murtagh."

The two men looked at each other and then burst out with laughter.

"Eleanor Fraser," Jamie tried to look stern, "I thank ye not to talk about our private life."

"Murtagh started it," Eleanor tossed her head, giving Murtagh a mock glare, which caused him to throw back his head and laugh more.

Jamie swatted at her backside playfully, "Enough distraction, Mistress Fraser, get yerself up on that horse."

Eleanor frowned and looked between Jamie and Murtagh. "Still not sure I can do it myself," she said, quietly.

"Have ye tried?" Murtagh asked, "in yer time?"

"Well," Eleanor patted the horse, "when I was a child at birthday parties, they sometimes would have pony rides. And then, just in general, any sort of sport, I am awful at."

"Will ye no try?" Jamie asked.

"If you promise not to laugh at my clumsiness...the both of you!"

Murtagh gave her a small smile, "I think I will leave ye and Jamie to it, Ellie."

"Scared that you will laugh?" Eleanor poked at Murtagh and he chuckled,

"Aye, ye ken me well, lassie." He leaned to whisper affectionately in her ear, "Good luck to ye."

"Maybe you should be wishing Jamie luck. He has to teach me."

"Nah, the lad has it well in hand," Murtagh said and whistled as he left them to it.

"Now," Jamie's voice was measured, "are ye ready?"

Eleanor swallowed hard, "I suppose. Claire was a natural, wasn't she?"

Jamie covered the hand that she was using to pet the horse, "She learned in her own time. That canna be what is bothering ye."

"Jamie," Eleanor turned her head towards him, "I want you to..." she paused. "No bother. I shouldn't feel it anyway."

"Tell me anyway," his voice was low.

There was a long pause, the tension heavy in the moment. "I want you to think I am lovely," the words rushed out. "it's such vanity. I was never like that with Will. No make up. I was more the shower and fluff out and air dry type of girl...and I'm here and often grimy and I'm sure smelly at times..."

Jamie's neck bobbed, "I think ye are lovely," he said, his voice low as he reached to put an arm around her waist, pulling her against him. "Dinnae ye ken that when I was in Ireland with Lord John, I met a priest who said it would be advisable to marry when I was ready...so I wouldna be tempted to sin, ye ken, but I wasna ready at the time...and then I met ye and I thought I wasn't, but I am. Murtagh is right, ye are sweet, canny and witty. Ye are givin me a gift, Eleanor. And I do think ye are lovely." He gave her a quick kiss on the lips before pulling away, "But if ye dinane get on that damn horse, Eleanor, I'll throw ye up there myself."

She laughed. "I supposed you aren't a saint."

"No one could ever accuse me of that," Jamie quipped. "Foot in the stirrup. That's a good lass," He coaxed. "Hand here. There's you are. Put your weight on this leg and fling this leg over." He patted the leg she was supposed to move.

"Oh good God," Eleanor managed to get herself on, with a push from Jamie when he realized it wasn't going as planned. "It's like I can't get my body to do what my brain is saying."

"Ye just need practice," Jamie frowned, rubbing his chin.

"Shouldn't I ride side-saddle?"

"Aye, but I dinnae trust ye to," Jamie said, "How are ye feeling? Ye look skittish again."

Ellie managed to give him a weary smile, "Still think this is a good idea?"

Jamie nodded, "Aye. We'll take it in steps."

"Alright then," Ellie retorted. "Tell me what to do."

* * *

Eleanor collapsed in the grassy shade, allowing herself to finally relax. Every muscle felt tense from her riding lesson. Jamie tied the horse on a nearby stump and then went to plop down on the grass next to his wife. They both were lying on their backs in the grassy area, looking up the grey sky.

"I bet you didn't think i would be as bad as I am at riding," Eleanor commented.

"Weel no," Jamie said. "To tell ye the truth, I dinnae think so, but ye are."

"Thanks," Eleanor groaned. She turned on her side to lay her head against Jamie's chest. "i once had a date with a boy that I had been chatting with for a while. we went skating and I was so bad that he told me that we should just be friends. I should have never tried to begin with."

"Hum," Jamie lifted his arm to begin stroking her hair, soothingly, "that's foolish, lassie. Of course ye should try and if it is with an honorable man, they willna care if ye canna do these things easily. They may find it amusing, but never off-putting. And they'll make it their duty to assist ye in trying."

"Well, I just ended up choosing a nerdy man, just similar to me."

"I dinnae ken what ye mean."

"Bookish."

"Ah," Jamie's hand moved to her arm, stroking it. "I can see that. A meeting of the minds. Ye need someone who can match yer ability to think and learn."

He sat up, gently pushing her up with him. He looked into her eyes and smoothed down her hair. Lifting her chin, he said, lightly, "Do ye think of me as a honorable man?"

"Of course," Eleanor said, studying him.

"I'm going to teach ye how to ride for yer safety and protection. And thank ye for being willing to try even if it damages yer pride to do so." He put both hands on her shoulders, "I need somethin else from ye though."

"You look serious," Ellie commented, with a worry frown. "Is it something I can do?"

"Aye, I think ye can," Jamie said. "The truth is, I will always love Claire and long for her, I canna change that."

"She is a part of your soul, Jamie. I know that," Eleanor's voice was gentle. "I would not want that to change."

"Aye, and I will always pray for her safety and that of my child as I suspect ye will for Will and for yer sweet bairns, but ye are teaching me how to live again. I need ye to stop worrying about being less than Claire, but focus on being yerself. Because being yerself is a fine thing, mo ghraidh. I wouldna want ye to be different than who ye are."

Her heart stirred. "I can try."

"Verra gut," Jamie kissed her deeply before plopping them back on the ground, "now tell me more about this other boy. Ye said ye chatted with him. What does that mean?"

"I'll tell you about that if you'll tell me about your adventure in Ireland with Lord John," Eleanor said.

"Ah, I see how it is. Verra well. Ye first," Jamie poked her side.

"First, I have to tell you about the internet." Eleanor said, with a smile. She began to describe the internet, email, and online dating to Jamie.

Jamie took it all in before sitting up again with her and scowling.

"What is it?" Eleanor asked, surprised at the shift in mood, "I thought you would be amused by it, not annoyed."

"Dinnae mean to tell me that ye met boys ye dinna ken, dinna ken their family or his character and ye put yerself in that situation time and time again?" he asked, his voice serious.

"Everyone did it," Eleanor defended.

"If everyone is fool-heided, that dinna mean that ye should be fool-headed too. Ye could have been raped or killed."

"We met in public places, Jamie. I was fine."

"Ye were lucky. I dinnae think lads are all that different from one time to another."

"In a way you are right," Eleanor titled her head, "And I was also lucky when it came to you because I literally married the first man I met in Scotland. At least I had a conversation with the other boys, sometimes for weeks before we would meet. I married you without barely saying two words to you besides our handfasting vows and you made me go to your bed, that first night. And if I recalled, it was more of the lie back and think of England and hope it didn't hurt too badly, which by the way, it did hurt since you did nothing to make sure that it wouldn't." It was the first time Eleanor spoke so bluntly of their first night.

"I said I was sorry for that," Jamie retorted. "But to be fair, ye wouldna have let me if I tried to help ye be ready for me to take ye."

"You are so much bigger than me, Jamie," She winced at the memory, "I was frightened of you. You were moody and sulky that night. And Will was the only man I had ever done that with and to do that with you after I traveled hundreds of years through time, I was a mess. Online dating holds nothing to that. Stop acting so superior." She grumped, "Oh, for Christ's sake. This was over 10 years ago. Call it foolishness of youth, something I think you might know quite well. Tell me about Ireland. _It's your turn_."

Jamie glared at her for another moment, "One more thing."

"What is it?" Eleanor crossed her arms, but looked at him expectantly.

"Does it still hurt when ye take me inside ye?" he asked, meeting her eyes steadily.

She was taken aback. "Not usually," she assured him.

"But sometimes?" he frowned deeply.

"Jamie," Eleanor protested. "Come on."

"Answer me, Eleanor."

She exhaled. "Yes, sometimes."

"I dinna realize," Jamie look perturbed. "How?" he demanded, his eyes clouded with concern. "How does it hurt?"

"Pinches a little," she admitted, flushing. "I think it is hormonal at times. Or a bad angle."

"For Christ sake," Jamie groaned, "If ye ever feel uncomfortable in my bed, ye will tell me. I am not that much of a brute."

She softened, "Of course you are not, Jamie. And I should tell you. That's more my fault as yours. It's only happened a handful of times. I'm just not good at communicating in that way. Please forgive me."

"Of course," His expression shifted suddenly, "If ye don't like anything, ye will say that as well, aye? I canna read yer mind, ye ken."

"I ken and yes, I will tell you," Eleanor leaned in to kiss him gently, "Ireland, Mr. Fraser. Your turn. And you better have been safe the entire time or you are nothing but a hypocrite."

"Well," Jamie looked sheepish, "I canna say I was, lassie, but it does make for an interesting story."

Jamie was correct in that assessment. Eleanor was enthralled by the story, enjoying the intrigue and Jamie's company. Jamie was able to relate a story in a way that she could almost feel like she was there. And the revelation of his time in Ireland and his involvement in thwarting an Irish Jacobite rebellion at the expense of so much only served to remind her of the complexity of this time and of the man that lay beside her.

"I'm surprised that you and Lord John had so much tension between the two of you on that trip considering how obvious your strong friendship is now. Why was that?"

"I can't rightly give away a man's secret, lass, even to my wife."

"Of course not, what friend could?" She paused, deep in thought. Her mind kept going back to the minute she told him that she was Jamie's wife. There was a hesitation. It wasn't until she admitted that she could never live up to Claire that he really warmed up to her. it was almost as if he was jealous and then relaxed when she admitted she wasn't much of a competition. And considering Jamie's history that would have caused tension if he had acted on those persuasions.

"Ye willna figure it out," Jamie said, "Dinnae even try."

She shrugged, "I already have. You should tell him about Randall. I think it would put things in perspective for him."

He rolled over on his side, "Ye canna have puzzled that out in the afternoon of company you had with him."

"He feels a kinship with me because we both know we can never have you."

"Oh, is that what ye think?" Jamie said, his voice light. "That's more a blot on yer character than his at the moment."

"And why is that?"

"Because ye have given up when we are just getting started," Jamie said, matter of factually. "As for Randall, I dinnae make a habit of taking about that time. It's painful and horrific."

"And if he was your friend, he wouldn't see you as anything less, but then he would be able to understand if you react violently to his advances."

Jamie gave a snort, "Good lord, you are sure of yerself at times and then other times, so unsure that i dinnae ken what to do."

"Am I wrong?"

"it isna fer me to say." he retorted, easily, "Only lass, it is a capital offense in these times so be mindful of that. John is a good friend and he is raising my lad. We have settled the issues that lay between us on that trip."

"Of course," Eleanor said. "I would never say anything."

"I ken ye wouldna," Jamie said, taking her hand, squeezing it and then kissing it, sweetly. "Ready to try to ride home?"

"I thought you had forgotten!"

He chuckled and stood. "No, it's not that easy. Ye will learn this. I am quite determined."

"Very well, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor took his hand and he pulled her off the ground. "Thanks for the chat."

"Better than the internet?"

"Oh much," Ellie retorted, with a wry smile, "As in person, I get your funny expressions and your glares."

He poked at her, "Ye glare back, lassie of mine."

"Only when greatly deserved," Eleanor said, poking back at him. "I also get to snuggle with you, which is infinitely better than chatting on the internet."

Jamie leaned down for a kiss. "Aye, I agree."

* * *

"What does Lord John say?" Eleanor asked, later that night, coming up beside Jamie, who was reading the letter in the chair in the solitude and privacy of their room.

Jamie gave her a small package. Eleanor unwrapped the package.

"Oh, it's a book!" she smiled, widely. "That was so thoughtful of him!"

"Aye, let me read ye the part he wrote to you." Jamie said, "_Please give my warmest regards to Madam Fraser. Eleanor, I trust that the ordeal with the school master is well past and that you are recovering nicely from any ill effect you may have gotten from that incident._" Jamie cleared his throat and glanced at her out of the side of his eye.

Eleanor pursed her lip in response and Jamie stifled a laugh at her expression. He continued, "_Enclosed is a novel I believe you will enjoy. I look forward to discussing it with you one day when we meet again which I do hope is soon. In the meantime, continued best wishes for good health and happiness. Your humble servant, Lord John Grey._"

Eleanor laughed, delighted. "I really do love his properness. He is just like characters in novels I would read set during this time."

"Oh," Jamie set the letter aside and then reached to pull her down onto his lap. "How is that?"

"Dashing yet gentle mannered. Strong when need be," Eleanor said. "Isobel is lucky- even knowing what we do."

"What ye _think_ ye do," Jamie poked at her nose.

"Do you think it is a marriage of convenience?" Eleanor asked, curiously.

"I think it is no our business," Jamie said, but his mind couldn't help going back to the day John told him he was marrying Isobel. He had worried about both of them entering into that union.

"Well, there is something to be said about those marriages," Ellie offered, jokingly.

"Enough," Jamie patted her hips. He reached for the book that John sent Ellie. "Want to read it together?"

"I'd love to," Eleanor nodded. "Do you want me to start?"

"Aye," Jamie retorted, "but let's retire to bed and do so."

After they had undressed and stretched out, Eleanor began the tale by lamplight. When she tired, Jamie put on his spectacles and continued. When Eleanor began to yawn, Jamie put the book aside and reached to pull his wife into his side.

He began to kiss her and caress her, coaxing her to passion. After a while, he gripped her hips and plopped her on top of him.

"I dinna ken that ye wanted control, Eleanor," Jamie murmured to her. "But I am more than happy to oblige ye."

Her response was inaudible.

* * *

Afterwards, Jamie was asleep but Eleanor was wide awake and suddenly famished. She snuck around for her shift and pulled a blanket Jamie wasn't using to wrap it around her shoulders as she went down to the kitchens to rummage for some food.

"Couldna sleep?" Jenny asked, from her spot in the kitchen.

"No," Eleanor said. "You?"

Jenny shook her head. "Have some tea, sister."

She poured into a cup and pushed it towards Eleanor, who sat beside Jenny at the table.

"What is fretting ye?" Jenny asked.

She took a sip of the warm liquid, "Jamie wants me to stop comparing myself to Claire."

"Ah," Jenny stood and went to find the bread that was wrapped in a towel. She unwrapped it, reached for the knife and cut Eleanor and herself a piece. She handed it to her and then sat back down. "Having trouble with that?"

"Sometimes," Eleanor said, "And then other times, I feel guilty that Jamie is so important to me, when it has not been that long since my husband and little ones ...he has that way about him that just draws me to him, but I know he isn't drawn to me."

Jenny frowned, "He is drawn to ye, Ellie. Claire was a rare soul, but ye are too, just in a different way. But ye are both far from common. Have ye ever noticed that my brother seeks ye out when in a room?"

"He is just being kind."

"Or ye wants to be near ye- that he draws comfort from yer company as much as ye does from his." Jenny took another sip of tea, "To hear him laugh again," she paused, "It's a wonder what ye are doing fer him." she said, adamantly. "Dinnae put yerself low, sister. My brother thinks so highly of ye. And his passion for ye will grow, I can see it is already started."

"It's...oka...acceptable to want that?"

"Aye, it's verra gut to want that," Jenny nodded.

"Can you teach me how to...do things?" Eleanor asked, "like cook and take care of the home? I was never good with that...my first husband was quite understanding, and things were different. I want to learn."

"Aye," Jenny smiled at her, "I'd be pleased to."

"Thank you, Jenny."

"Yer quite welcome."

They drank the rest of their tea in easy companionship, Eleanor then listening to what was on Jenny's heart, each revealing in their sisterly bond that was forming in those wee hours of the night.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10:**

"Eleanor, lass," Jamie kissed her shoulder. "The household is stirring."

Eleanor groaned and buried herself back into the sheet. "We should have gone to bed earlier last night," she mumbled into her pillow.

"Aye," Jamie kissed her again, "We were in bed early, but I dinnae regret keeping ye up lass."

"Semantics," Ellie put the pillow over her head.

Jamie laughed and gently wrestled the pillow out of her hands, "I never seen ye so surly about wakin, lassie...or at least not lately."

"My stomach feels funny," Eleanor admitted.

"Funny?" Jamie eyed her, quizzically.

Eleanor looked up at him, "Strange. Different. Out of sorts. Not like it ordinary does." She scooted to sit up, "I'm sure..." She held up her hand, "Good Lord, it's not..."

Jamie recognized her feelings well as it was the same he got every time he took a sea voyage. And his refluxes were quick, shoving a basin in her face to watch her dry heave and gag.

He put her hands around it so she could hold it and he could rise and pour water onto a rag, handing it to her. He crossed his arms and eyed her contemplatively.

"Stop looking at me like that," Eleanor grumped. "I'm not fragile."

"Weel, if ye must ken ye are a bit," Jamie said, easily, "but that canna be helped considerin ye had no need to be of sturdier stock."

"Good Lord, you make me sound like a horse."

Jamie chuckled but then sobered up when Ellie's look turned into a scowl.

"Why dinnae ye sleep some more? I shouldna have woken ye."

"I asked you to wake me. I wanted to help Jenny."

"And ye have every morning for the past month and ye have been doin a fine job of it," Jamie said, still looking at her with a contemplative look. Jenny had held true to her word and had patiently taught Ellie the ins and outs of running the household. Eleanor in turn had started tutoring Ian with his reading and had worked with Mistress Kirby to help her lad with his articulation. Jamie had continued the riding lessons, determined for Eleanor to at least be competent enough to ride for help if need be. But now he was wondering if he should forgo the riding lessons for a bit. Still, the lass hadn't said anything to indicate that they might be expecting and he dinnae want to stir things up if there was no need. He hadn't thought of it until now, time had gotten away from him.

"Very well," Eleanor said, "I'm sure it will pass soon. Probably a virus. Did Claire tell you about germs?"

"Aye, all about them, maybe so," Jamie nodded.

"I just hope I don't give it to you." She frowned at the thought.

"I wouldna fash yerself, lassie," Jamie said, "I will have Jenny check on ye later."

He went over to give her a very gentle kiss on the forehead before leaving her by herself.

* * *

"What is on yer mind, brother?" Jenny asked, eying Jamie. "I can tell ye are worrit about somethin."

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, "not worrit."

"I'm sure Eleanor will be fine in a day or so," Jenny said.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "but..."

Jenny stopped from rolling the dough and wiped her hand across her brow, "Ye might as just well come out and say it, brother."

"She would tell me if she was expecting a bairn, dinnae ye think?"

"Aye," Jenny said as she continued to pat the dough, "that is if the lass kens herself. How long has it been?"

"Since right when she came."

Jenny looked up abruptly. "That's been nigh two months now. And she hasna said anything?"

"I dinnae realize it myself. Time has gotten away from the both of us, but now...with her feeling so poorly," Jamie stopped. "I dinnae ken what she will say."

"Do ye not think she will want another bairn?" Jenny asked, surprised. "She loves the wee uns, Jamie. And she does well with them."

"Aye," Jamie said, slowly, "it's just the memory of her own bairns is just so fresh, I dinnae want her to mourn them all over again."

Jenny stopped her task and looked over at her brother. She wiped her hands on her apron to go over to stand on her tippy toes and put her hands on his shoulders. "Ye are a good man, James Fraser."

"Ach, no, but I think ye for the sentiment," Jamie said with a lopsided smile. "Do I ask her?"

She patted his cheeks, "Give her some time. Eleanor is a canny one, she'll figure it out soon enough."

"Do you think it is possible?"

"With two months gone, aye, I do." Jenny said.

Jamie let out a breath, "I dinnae ken whether to be grateful or terrified."

"A bit of both is to be expected," Jenny said, matter of factually before going back to her bread.

* * *

Eleanor managed to go about her day with only nausea plaguing her in the morning and at night. She felt it was odd, but there had been so much stress in her life that maybe she was finally coming to grips with it. Jamie hadn't touched her in days besides kisses on her head and comforting squeezes on her arm. They had finished Lord John's book and Jamie was writing to him back, when Eleanor came up beside him. "Can you..." she swallowed, "give him my regards...is that correct?"

"Aye, that tis," Jamie nodded. He glanced at her, "What would you say in your time?"

"Tell him hi for me."

"Hi," Jamie smiled at the word.

"Short for hello." Eleanor grinned putting her arms around his back and leaned over him to whisper in his ear, "but I may have emailed or texted him and probably would have said hey."

"Like what horses eat?" Jamie asked, amused.

She laughed. "We would always say 'hey is for horses' when we wanted the kids to use more formal talk." She giggled. "They got awfully confused by that. Charlotte would tell me 'no, hey is for hearing me!'"

"Ah," Jamie laughed, appreciatively, "She's a canny one like her mama, is she no?"

"Very much so. Both of them." She grew sober, and buried her head in Jamie's neck. "I miss them."

"Aye, I ken," he dropped his quill for a minute so he could lift his hand to cradle her head, rubbing it soothingly. "I'm sorry for it, lass."

"I am too," she said, her voice cracking. "Will you give Lord John my regards?"

"Aye."

"And tell him how much I enjoyed the book and look forward to discussing it with him soon?"

"Aye, I will."

She kissed him on the cheek, "Thank you." She let go of him and straightened.

"Are ye feelin better, Eleanor?" Jamie asked, picking up his quill and continuing his letter.

She sat down in the chair. "Somewhat. I'm sorry I haven't been feeling well."

"Ye canna help if ye are feeling poorly," Jamie commented, still writing. "Ye dinnae need to apologize."

"It may be all in my head though," Eleanor said, biting her lip. "A reaction to the stress of all of this."

Jamie paused from his writing, but did not turn towards her, "is that what you think?"

"Yes, it wouldn't be the first time. I can be anxious, Jamie. And sometimes I have a physical reaction to it," she sighed. "God help me. I am married to a highland warrior, practically the king of all men...maybe a wee bit controlling at times, but still...you exude strength..."

He looked at her out of the side of his eye, but began to dry his letter. "Do I?"

"And you're charming..."

"Am I?" He folded his letter and then sealed it.

"Yes, you know very well you are," Eleanor said, "and I..."

Jamie turned in his chair and held her eyes, "And ye are skittish at times aboot things that are not from yer time. Ye are worrit aboot what you ken about this time that we do not yet. Ye are worrit about what we ken that will help ye survive that ye do not. Is that the crux of it?"

"Pretty much," Eleanor wrinkled her nose.

"And ye think this is stomach ailment is all in that bonny wee heid of yours, do ye?"

"Do you think I am bonny?" Eleanor asking, twisting a strand of hair.

"Aye, verra much so," Jamie said, "Answer my question."

"It wouldn't be the first time... and it probably won't be the last," Eleanor admitted.

"I see," Jamie stood and approached her, "thank ye for tellin me." He reached for her hand and she took it. He pulled her up. "Or...there could be another explanation entirely." He sat on the bed with her.

"Like what?" Eleanor asked.

Jamie turned his face towards her, "Can ye really not sort it out?"

"Sort _what_ out, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, frowning.

"It's been two months since we have married, mo ghraidh."

"That long?" Eleanor asked, lightly, "has the newness worn off already?"

"I still discover somethin new every day about ye, lassie. And if ye are referring to me no touchin ye at night, I dinnae wish to chance it this soon."

"Chance _what_, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, her tone becoming more serious. "What do you think is going on?"

"Ye have only had yer courses once in two months, Eleanor and that was early on. Did ye not think anything of it?"

Eleanor's intake of breath was noticeable, but otherwise she was still.

"Eleanor..." Jamie's voice was low. "Say somethin, lass."

She gently tugged her hand out of Jamie's and walked towards the window. She was silent for the longest time, but Jamie didn't dare interrupt whatever was going on in her head. Finally, she turned to him. "I need to go to bed now."

Jamie looked surprised, "Is that all ye are going to say on the matter?"

She nodded. "I...I need time to think it through."

"Verra well," Jamie stood and walked over to her, "Just tell me one thing, Eleanor...is it unusual for ye to go this long?"

She swallowed hard and nodded. He tipped up her face to try to study her, but Eleanor turned away.

"Ye can talk to me," Jamie said, simply, quietly. "Ye ken that well."

"I know. I will, soon...just not now," Eleanor said, her voice hoarse. "I want to go to bed. I need sleep."

"Aye, go on," Jamie said, "I may go downstairs for a bit."

"Of course." She crawled into bed and curled up in a ball, her back towards Jamie. He leaned briefly against the door in a silent prayer before going downstairs to see if his sister was still awake.

* * *

Eleanor stood by the water, skipping stones, her cape wrapped around her shoulder.

"Yer doin it wrong," Murtagh said. He picked up a stone, "Like this..."

"I wasn't really trying," Eleanor sighed, dropping all the stones she was carrying in her hand in the water.

She plopped down on the ground, her cape billowing around her.

Murtagh sat next to her, "Do ye want to talk about it?"

"Did Jamie not talk to you?" she asked, stretching out.

"Aye, he did," Murtagh said. "And then he sent me to walk with ye. The lad dinnae ken what to do with ye. I dinnae ken what he thinks I can do aboot it, but here we are."

"That must be a first," Eleanor laughed, "Jamie is always self assured." Jamie had been walking on eggshells around her since two nights ago when he broached the topic of a pregnancy. And they hadn't discussed it since. And she knew that her silence was worrying Jamie, but she just couldn't bring herself to figure out how she should feel. The nausea had not waned in the morning and night. She was overly tired as well. And her periods were always on time. Always...unless she was pregnant, which given the amount of nighttime activity Jamie and her had embarked in, she knew she had to be. But she felt like an idiot for not knowing it to begin with.

"Not always," Murtagh said, playing with a blade of grass. "And ye are a rare woman, Eleanor."

"Oh, you see that's not true. I'm quite ordinary, Murtagh," Eleanor said.

"Look at how ye are helpin Young Ian with his lessons and wee Rupert with his talkin. Ye figured out a way to help them both."

"Only earned me a sore backside for it all," Eleanor said, making a face at Murtagh.

"Aye, that it did. But ye figured out how help. Ye dinnae give up."

"But all of that's easy. All of this...that's what's hard." Eleanor said, "I still can't really ride a horse and Jenny has been so sweet to help teach me things and I am learning, but it's not as easy as she makes it looks. And I nearly threw up when ye and Jamie was butchering that poor deer."

Murtagh threw back his head and laughed, heartedly. "I remember yer face. Such a nice green shade to it... Jamie thought it was amusing as well."

"I suppose he did. Jamie does have a sense of humor," Eleanor reached to fiddle with the end of her pony tail, twisting it in her hands, "I just fear I cannot make him a good wife in this time."

"Dinnae fash, lassie. Jamie dinnae think that. He kens yer limitations and he kens that he and ye will work through them. Jenny said yer cooking has improved immensely and Jamie is quite determined to get ye to be competent at riding. The lad is usually up for a challenge." He studied her, "What is it, Ellie?"

"Murtagh..." Eleanor turned her head towards him, "I wasn't a very good mother." She held up her hand when he began to protest, "Oh, I loved them alright. Desperately. But I was overwhelmed. And I yelled when I shouldn't have. I was much better as a teacher than I was as a mother. I feel stupid for not realizing that I am expecting before Jamie did, but maybe I couldn't face it. And women die in childbirth in this time and I'm scared that I am going to live in fear for 9 months. Jamie will soon realize that I am just a mess."

"Weel," Murtagh looked at her seriously, "That is alot to bear, Eleanor."

"And when I realized what Jamie was saying, I wasn't happy. And now I feel guilty, because he has two children that he cannot raise and to give him the chance, to be a father, to have a family of his own...isn't that why you forced him into my arms?"

Murtagh chuckled and poked at her, "Ye have got it all figured out, haven't ye?"

"Well, wasn't it?"

"Nah," Murtagh said, "I saw somethin in ye from the beginning that I thought would compliment the lad well. And ye have. It had nothin to do with givin Jamie a bairn, although now that ye mention it, it would have been a fine reason all on its own."

"And if I die, will it still be one?"

"Do ye not think the lad frets about it?" Murtagh asked, seriously. "He does. Claire almost died in Paris and Willie's mother died from childbearin. HIs own mama died as well. If ye tell him that, he will not think ye to be unreasonable."

"That still doesn't deal with the fact that I am a horrible mother and I don't want Jamie to see that."

"Ach, I have never had children, but I am sure many of parents have hollered at their wee uns now and then. It's that ye feel bad about it, that's the difference."

"What if I can't do it?"

"Ye are doin it alone, lassie. Ye have Jamie and Jenny and Ian and ye have me. There will be plenty of ones around to help. Dinnae fash, we will all help ye. Ye need to tell Jamie what is in yer heid. He is goin mad with worry over ye."

Eleanor laughed, "I doubt that."

"If ye think the lad dinnae care, then ye should have never gone to school for that nonsense- what was it called?"

"Psychology," Eleanor said, absently.

"Aye," Murtagh nodded, "The good it did ye," he grumped.

Eleanor turned to him, "I'm not so bad."

"Nah, ye aren't, even if ye can't see what is right in front of yer nose," Murtagh rose and offered a hand. "Come now. Enough of this sulking." She put her hand in his and he pulled her up.

"Go say yer piece to Jamie so we can all have some peace, aye lassie?"

"Very well," Eleanor said, "Thank you, Murtagh for your help."

"Ye are most welcome, Eleanor." They walked back in easy companionship.

* * *

"Jamie," Eleanor brushed her hair three more strokes and put the brush down.

"Aye, lassie?" Jamie asked as he turned a page of his book, sitting by the lamp light.

"I feel stupid..." she paused, "like a fool" she amended, "that I did not know that I was pregnant...with child," she rubbed her face, "Oh bother."

Jamie marked his spot in his book and then put aside. He took over his spectacles and laid them on the table. "Dinnae fash on yer talk for now. It's just the two of us. Just come to me, mo ghraidh so we can have a proper discussion."

She walked over to where he was sitting and Jamie pulled her down on his lap. "Ye smell nice," he commented, sniffing her hair.

"I took a bath," she admitted. "I couldn't take it any longer."

"Yer husband appreciates yer efforts," Jamie kissed her neck. "Now, what's this about feeling like a fool?"

"I never skip my pe...courses. Ever. The only time I have ever is with Harry and then with Charlotte. And the fact is that we have done nothing to prevent it. I was fortunate with my two that when we wanted them, we got pregnant quickly. I should have known it could be the same way between you and I. But I had no clue what you were talking about. It's like it smacked me right in the face and I felt so much at that moment..."

"And now that ye have thought on it?"

"I'm scared I'm going to die," Eleanor blurted out.

"Ah," Jamie nodded, seriously. "I see."

"I mean, I thought often about it in my own time...I've always been a wee bit of a hypochondriac, ironic for a teacher, I know..."

"Hypo-what?"

"Scared of germs and illness."

"Ah, weel, that's not a gut thing to be in this time," he told her, his voice matter of fact and non-judgmental.

"Yes, I'm aware. I'm always aware of the folly of it all. But in this moment, I'm certain that I will not make this. I know that maternity rates are high in this century."

"Alot of women survive childbirth, Eleanor," Jamie pointed out, but from his furrowed brow, she knew that it was a fear of his as well.

"And then our child won't be vaccinated..." she paused, "Claire told you about that, right?"

"Aye," he said, quietly.

"I'm protected, so I feel confident in that, but what if they get some horrible illness and die?" she began to breath heavily. "Or get hurt and we can't fix it? We don't have modern medicine and I am not a healer. I can only teach them to read and write but what good that will do in this time?" she was having difficulty catching her breath, a full on panic attack in this works.

Jamie shifted her in his lap to face him. "Calm yerself."

"I can't," Eleanor began to breath more heavily. "I can't calm down."

"Look at me, now," Jamie's voice was low. "In my eyes." Eleanor forced her eyes up and Jamie leaned his head in so he was practically nose to nose with her, so she could feel his breath on her. "Take a breath, mo ghraidh," He put her hand on his chest so she could feel his chest rise and fall and his steady rhythm, "Breathe in. Breathe out. That's it. Again."

"Jamie..."

"No, I need ye to breathe in and out." Eleanor tried to even her breathing, "Again. Verra gut. Ye have got to calm down," Jamie said, his voice turning stern, gently shaking her by the shoulders to get her attention, "Ye canna fall to pieces over somethin that has not happened."

"But...I can't do this!" Eleanor exclaimed, ducking her head away from him.

"None of that," Jamie said, turning her head back. "Ye are my wife, tis no shame between us."

"If ye say."

"Aye, I do. I am not ashamed of ye. Are ye?"

"Embarrassed."

"Dinnae be. Now," Jamie tapped her chin, "What choice do ye have but to do it?" he asked, his eyes holding her own.

"None," Eleanor sighed.

"There you have it."

"But what if..."

"Ye and I will face it together."

"You needed to have married someone stronger."

"Ye dinnae realize yer strength. It's there. We all see it." Jamie nudged her up. "Stand up."

"What are you doing?" she asked as he fell on his knees before her.

"I dinnae have my dirk, but...if I did...I swear on this blade and on the cross of our Lord Jesus, that I pledge ye my loyalty, I give ye my vow. I willna leave ye and if God forbid, ye walk in the shadow of death, I will be there with ye. And if somethin happens to one of our bairns, I will mourn and grieve with ye and I will not let ye fall into despair. I will do everything within my power to protect and care for ye and the bairns. I gave ye my vow, Eleanor..." he paused, "what's yer second name?"

"Rose."

He paused, "that's bonny and so fitting..Eleanor Rose Fraser. I will be yer strength as ye are my own. I give ye my vow and if I should ever break it, may a blade pierce my heart," He rose and took her hand, kissing it, "Ye have given me life again. And the life ye are carryin in ye, that's givin me a beautiful gift. The gift of a second chance fer both of us. Please dinnae fear it."

"You don't understand," Eleanor began to cry.

"Make me understand," Jamie reached for her other hand, holding both of them in hers. "Tell me yer heart."

"I wasn't good at it."

"At what?"

"Motherhood. I should have been. I know you think I would be because of how I am with Jenny's kids, but I was so short tempered and bad at being a mama, Jamie. It was overwhelming and stressful and I was just awful at times."

"Yer bairns were handfuls, Eleanor. Of course ye were overwhelmed."

"But...they made me so angry at times."

"Aye, they can get under yer skin, the wee devils. I couldna own it, but Willie did on several occasions as well. The lad was a rascal, but I loved him so."

"But...what if..."

"I forbid ye to say... _what if_...one more time..." Jamie said, sternly.

She was taken aback, "You forbid, huh?" she gave him a small smile, "And here you were being all sweet pledging your loyalty."

"This is part of my loyalty. It's fer yer good. Ye canna let yer heid get the best of ye. We'll figure it out together. I dinnae ken what I am doing. At least ye have experience with it all. And my temper is far more fearsome than yers."

"That is true."

"Ye and I will both work on being slow to anger," he kissed her hands again. "I can tell the way ye talk about yer bairns, Eleanor, whether ye felt it or not, ye were a fine mother. One that I am so pleased to be carrying my bairn."

"Then," she searched his eyes, "Are you happy?"

"Aye, I am."

"Really?"

"Truly," Jamie reached to wrap her up in his arms. "Dinnae mistake me. I'm scarrit too. I have fears aboot it too, especially when I think of ye hurt or in pain. But I am happy about a bairn. And I dinnae think I could be happy ever again."

Her heart melted. "We can do this."

"Aye, we can."

"Thank you for talking me down," she paused to think of a way to adjust her language.

"I ken yer meaning and of course," Jamie said. He leaned in for a kiss and she gave him one, putting all her emotions into it. She clung to him and he to her. Finally he pulled away when things were getting passionate. "Not untll ye are further along.I dinnae want to hurt the wee un."

"That's inaccurate," Eleanor said, "I have done this before and according to my doctor in the twenty first century, we are fine. It won't cause any harm."

"Is that right?"

"It is," Eleanor nodded, "And the truth is, I need your comfort tonight, Jamie. I am out of sorts and I just need you to make me feel better."

It was the first time she admitted that she needed their intimacy just as much as he did and that moved Jamie.

"Are ye certain?" Jamie asked, staring at her.

"Yes," Eleanor said, "and there are benefits to it, Mister Fraser." She untied her shift.

"Such as?" Jamie asked, lightly.

Eleanor smiled at him and although a pink twinge had crept upon her face she took his hand and snaked it in the opening of her shift and placed his hand. "There's a difference. Can you tell?"

"Aye, there is," Jamie said, "I dinnae realized it before."

"My body is releasing more hormones now so everything is rapidly shifting."

"God, ye are wondrous," Jamie said, under his breath and then scooped her up in his arms. "Now what can I do to help ye get yer mind off of it, Mistress Fraser?"

"I'm sure we can think of a few things," Eleanor quipped and then giggled as Jamie playfully pounced on her.

"Aye, that we can. We can use that canny mind of yers for good," he nipped at her ear, "not to worry about things that canna be helped, my wee besom."

"Am I really that much trouble?"

"Ach," Jamie leaned up on his elbows to look at her, "Only in the best ways, wife of mine. At least ye are not dreadfully boring, like some women. I never ken what ye will say or when ye will cry or when ye will..." he paused, "poke the bear to make me angry, which if we are being honest, is really a dangerous endeavor, mo ghraidh,"

"Ah, well, yes, sometimes, I just cannot help myself," Eleanor said. "Don't forget about teaching me how to ride."

Jamie laughed, "Ah, and there is that as well. I canna help to feel content and full with ye in my life, Eleanor Rose...Fraser."

"And baby Fraser." she reached to put his hand on her stomach.

"Aye," Jamie leaned down to kiss her stomach, "I canna wait to watch our bairn grow in and out of yer belly."

"Hey, Jamie?" Eleanor sat up to look at him seriously.

"Hey, Eleanor?" Jamie asked and Ellie giggled and he winked at her.

"You have been through so much hardship and pain and my struggles, I know they are trivial compared to everything..." she blushed, "I'm not unaware that it must all seem ridiculous to you."

"Dinnae fash yerself, mo ghraidh." Jamie said, "Why would I even compare that to this?"

He said it so matter of factually that she just stared at him in disbelief.

"Ye are the hardest on yerself that I ever be, Eleanor. I just wish ye saw what I see in ye," Jamie said quietly. Her lip trembled, but before she could respond, Jamie's mouth was on her. And after he made love to her, he wrapped her up in his arms to sleep, placing one hand protectively over her stomach. For though their baby was only the size of a bean, she knew he already loved him or her fiercely. And once again, her heart stirred in powerful ways for what Jamie was given her and she him...

_Hope_.

**A/N: Thanks to all who continue to read and review! I appreciate all your thoughts. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: Thank you to those who have taken the time to review and/or follow the story. I'm glad people are giving the story a chance even if it is AU. A nice LONG chapter for you...

**Chapter 11**:

"Eleanor," Jamie's voice was serious, "May I speak with ye?"

Ian and Eleanor instantly turned to him from their spot at the small table in the kitchen.

"Is somethin wrong, Uncle?" Ian asked, his brow furrowed.

"No, I just need to speak to Auntie Eleanor for a few minutes privately. Dinna fash, lad." He leaned forward to ruffle the head of his nephew and give him an affectionate kiss on the top of his head.

Ian nodded, accepting his Uncle's word.

"Here, Ian," Ellie said, handing him the quill, "take this, and put a line where you would break apart the word into syllables. Be ready to tell me why."

"Aye, Auntie," Ian said.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," Eleanor said as Jamie extended his hand for her, leading her across the hall, up the stairs, down the corridor to the privacy of their bedroom.

"What is it?" Eleanor asked as Jamie handed her a note.

"From Lord John," Jamie said, quietly.

She opened the parchment and read it quickly. She folded it up again and handed it back to Jamie. "What will you do?"

"I will go," Jamie said, "I dinna seem to have a choice. He is Edinburgh which is not such a hard distance as London."

"You are not the same prisoner that can be compelled at a whim to do the crown's bidding," Eleanor retorted.

Jamie quirked an eyebrow, "That sounded quite proper befitting a lady of this century, mo ghraidh."

"Do not tease," Eleanor titled her head, "And I've been studying the way people speak in the book Lord John sent."

"Ah," Jamie laughed, "I should have ken."

"Probably so," Eleanor crossed her arms, "But surely if he is in Scotland, there are many others that can do such a translation. Wasn't it a translation done that started that whole mess in Ireland?"

"Aye," Jamie came over to her and put his hands on her waist, "but no that he trusts. He is not just a British solider, he is a friend, lass. He isna so bold to come to Lallybroch, but Edinburgh, we can meet. I will do the translation, but that is all I will do fer him."

She took a breath, "Then I will come with you."

Jamie shook his head vigorously, "No, ye willna. Ye are with bairn."

"It will be fine," Eleanor said. "as long as I don't get thrown from the horse which I trust that you will be able to prevent that. We are past the worse of it with my morning sickness."

Jamie tried a different angle, "Ah, but Edinburgh is a city and with all the people, come illnesses. I wllna put the bairn at risk."

She put her hand over his on her hip, "You will not use what I told you before about germs to manipulate me, James Fraser. I'm way too smart for that nonsense. I've been vaccinated, remember?"

"Aye," Jamie frowned. He quickly realized he had not caught Eleanor follow orders without question mood.

"Listen," Eleanor went to sit on the bed, "If you don't want me to come with you, then just say so."

"That's not what I said. It isna about what I want, only the fact ye will slow us down."

"You being, Murtagh and you?"

"Aye and Fergus."

"Well, that settles it then. I am not being left here without you or Murtagh or Fergus. No one else knows the truth except the three of you. And what if something happens to you or to me while you are gone?"

"You are with Jenny and Ian. You are safe at Lallybroch."

"I'm safe with you!" Eleanor stood up and walked back to where he was standing. She reached up to put a hand on his face, rubbing his stubble. "And, if I am there, Lord John cannot drag you God knows where and get you mixed up in God knows what. I am going with you, Jamie. You'll have to beat me to make me follow orders and I can _assure you_ that would _not_ be good for the_ bairn_."

Jamie's eyes grew wide, "Ye think ye have it all sorted, do ye no?" his voice was low.

She stared him down, "I do. In addition, I need to return to John his book."

"I can do that for you."

"Oh no," Eleanor said, "I would want to do that honor in person and maybe grab a book for the road."

"Ah," Jamie scowled, "I do hope our bairn is not as surly as ye, lassie."

She leaned over and kissed him, "I make no promises to you."

Jamie grumbled in Gaelic, but then said, "ye better pack light, lassie."

"After I check Ian's work," she said.

"Aye," Jamie muttered, beginning to sort his belongings, "What in God's name are syllables, lass?"

She laughed and went over to kiss his cheek, "Parts of a spoken word. Different than phonemes which are individual sounds. Syllables are longer chunks."

"And what does that have to do with readin and writin?"

"Alot actually. Thank you, Jamie."

"Go on with ye, before I change my mind," he swatted her on the bottom, gently. "And if you complain once on this trip about life on the road, I will wait until after the bairn is born to deal with ye."

She giggled, "Idle threats?"

"Wait and see, me besom," he swatted her again, "Go on. And then come back and explain what the hell ye are doin with my nephew."

She kissed him again before going downstairs to check on Ian's progress.

* * *

"Yer hair is growing," Jamie said, when they had retired to bed. He had taken her in his arms and was absently, fiddling with the ends of her hair. "Did ye pack yer ribbons to put yer hair up properly while we are there?"

"Yes," Eleanor smiled up at him.

"You have bonny hair, so thick and full," Jamie said.

"You don't lose your hair when you are expecting," She told him as she shifted, trying to ease the pain in her back.

"Why do you keep it short?" Jamie asked, curiously, still examining her hair, "In your own time? Is that usual?"

"Yes. It's quite typical for women to wear their hair short. As for why, when it's long, it can be a hassle. It sheds alot..."

"like a wee pup?" Jamie teased.

"Actually, yes. We would find my hair everywhere. And then at school, well, if there were lice cases, I liked my hair so where it was short enough that it wouldn't be as likely to brush up against something..."

"Ah, makes sense," Jamie said, "there would be a lot of places for those wee buggers to hide in yer glorious mane," He began to flip through her hair.

She squeaked, "Do you see anything?"

"Hum," Jamie fiddled more, "What is this?"

She tried to wiggle around to see what was happening.

"Ah, just a gray hair," He plucked it out.

"James Fraser," Eleanor grunted, "Do not tease me about that."

"Ah, yer squeamish of the wee buggers then?" he laughed, heartedly. "What are ye not squeamish of, mo ghraidh?"

She struggled to get up on the bed. "You."

He smacked her playfully, "That's not true. Ye are."

"Only sometimes," she retorted. She let out a little moan as her back spasmed. "Agh."

"Are ye alright, lass?"

"I think the baby must be in a funny position," she began to rub her back.

"Do ye think something is not right?" Jamie frowned. "the bairn hasn't quickened."

Ellie shifted again, "It's fine, James," she said, her voice tense. She paused, "I'm sorry."

"No matter, mo ghraidh," his voice was gentle. "I'm sorry if I added to yer fear."

"I had this with Harry right around this time. It was painful to move or walk. He's just probably on a nerve or something." She squirmed. "I may just need to sit in a proper chair with pillows behind my back. See if that helps."

She gingerly got off the bed and awkwardly walked to the chair. She wasn't big at all, only 4 months along, but it hurt to move.

"Here," Jamie jumped up and helped her put a pillow behind her back and moved a stool for her to put her feet up. He looked so worried about her that even though Eleanor's mind was nagged, she wished to ease Jamie's.

"When you are in labor, it doesn't feel like this. this feels like my insides are being pushed out my back. Labor is things get painful and then it subsides. There would also be bleeding if I was losing the baby. As for the quickening, I do not want to say for sure. Sometimes you think it is the quickening and then it is just ga...wind."

"Ah," Jamie nodded, "I see. Are ye sure ye are fine to ride tomorrow?"

"I'm not concerned," Eleanor said, "I might be a bit sore tomorrow, but the child will be fine."

"Verra well," Jamie retorted. "Yer mind is set on it."

"Quite so," Eleanor tapped the bulge of her stomach as Jamie sat back at the end of the bed. "Jamie, May I ask you something?"

"Aye," he nodded. "I canna promise to answer."

"That's fine," Ellie said, "but Murtagh mentioned something about Claire and Paris. What happened?"

Jamie let out a long breath, "We lost our bairn. A wee lass. Faith."

Eleanor titled her head, "That must have been awful and to be so far from home."

"Aye," Jamie said, "but we were trying to prevent the rebellion- the good it did. It was after Wentworth...and Jack Randall...we escaped to France to try to manipulate the future, but I dinna ken that to be possible."

"I can't rationally make sense of this time and space continuum," Ellie admitted. "And Claire...she...just..."

"Ah, well, there was more complications to that," Jamie said, "But I have to admit the experience has me worrit."

She looked in his eyes, "Don't worry on my account, Jamie."

"If I canna worry about my wife and my bairn, then what kind of man am I?"

Her heart twisted. "Tell me about Paris if you don't mind."

"No I dinna mind," Jamie told her all about Paris and Jack Randall and Claire and Frank.

"I don't think you were unjustified," Eleanor said, "but I understand Claire as well. If it was Will...I would want him safe in our time." She bit her lip, thinking of her husband.

"Aye, I can understand that," Jamie stood and stretched, then leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss on the lips. "Does yer back still pain ye?"

"If I don't move it's fine," Ellie said, reaching up to touch Jamie's face, "Dinna fash yourself, my husband."

Jamie chuckled at her using the scottish expression, "Verra gut."

"Now," she patted him again, "What did you say about me having a gray hair?"

He laughed harder. "Aye, there are quite a few in there," he told her.

She elbowed him, "you have given them to me. We'll see how many pop up out of this trip to Edinburgh."

Jamie harrumphed but did not say anything else.

* * *

"Jamie," John bowed, "thank you for coming."

"Aye," Jamie bowed, leaning his head forward. "Thank you for arranging lodgings for Eleanor and myself."

"It was wise to send the carrier ahead," John said as Jamie reached for Eleanor, who was all the sudden feeling shy, practically hiding behind his large frame. He pulled her around him and gave her a quick signal by the jerk of his head.

"Lord John," Eleanor curtseyed. "It is good to see you."

Sensing her hesitation and wishing to put her at ease, John gave her a warm smile and bow, "Madam Fraser, you are looking well."

"You are too kind," Eleanor said. "And thank you for being so gracious about me accompanying Jamie."

"Have you ever been to Edinburgh before?"

"Yes," Eleanor said, a pained expression suddenly upon her features. "When traveling with my husband and children."

Jamie reached out to put a hand on her shoulder, letting it rest there, the steady pressure of it, comforting her.

"I'm very sorry," John said, his voice gentle.

"I did not expect the memories to haunt me," she smiled at Lord John, "but memories tend to do that when you least expect, don't they?"

"Yes, indeed, they do," Lord John replied.

"But I did long for an adventure, so I am afraid I rather pointedly coerced Jamie into allowing me accompany him."

"Aye, Eleanor would not want to miss out on anything," Jamie said.

"Would you?" Ellie quirked her head back in his direction.

John didn't miss Jamie's sudden shift in stance and the interplay between them amused him. He had no doubt that Eleanor wanted her presence to prevent Jamie from getting himself mixed up in whatever John had in store. It was a tactical move and a smart one, he had to admit.

"I am sure you are weary from the road," John said.

"I would never admit to it being a trial lest this one have the satisfaction of being correct," Eleanor said and John laughed at that.

Jamie grunted and John bowed. "I will leave you to clean up. Supper is in two hours. I look forward to hearing about what you thought of the book, Eleanor."

"I do have quite a few thoughts," Eleanor said, honestly, curtseying.

"She always does," Jamie muttered and Eleanor elbowed him once John's back was turned.

* * *

"How is yer stomach, lass?" Jamie asked as Eleanor attempted to loosen her stays. The road trip had make her morning sickness return and Jamie was gracious enough not to say much on the subject but Eleanor knew that he was somewhat put out by her. Her back spasms had increased, but Jamie did not offer anything on that matter except to rub it out for her at night.

"Feels much better since we stopped moving," Eleanor retorted. "Can you help me with these? I will never get through dinner if they are this tight."

"Aye," Jamie hopped up off the bed. "Here, ye are, lassie. Better?" He buttoned her dress.

She stepped back. "Do I look appropriate for a lady of this age?"

"Aye," Jamie said, eyeing her appreciatively. "Ye look bonny in that dress, Eleanor."

She reached to put her arms around his neck. "Thank you for humoring me and letting me come."

"Ye dinna give me much of a choice," Jamie said, "but ye were gut company for all of us, when ye were not spilling out yer guts on the side of the road."

She leaned forward and kissed him, deeply and passionately. "I did not complain, did I?"

"No, ye dinna," Jamie said, between kisses, "which is the only thing savin that bonny arse of yers," he said, teasingly, reaching behind to squeeze it appreciatively. He kissed her deeper, nearly taking her breath away before finally pulling away.

"I see," Ellie raised her eyebrows at him, "Are Murtagh and Fergus settling in alright?"

"Aye, I have them on errands for me," Jamie said, casually.

Eleanor paused, holding on to Jamie's elbows, "What kind of errands?"

"I'd rather ye not ken if it is all the same."

"They are legal, aren't they?" Eleanor asked, tilting her head.

Jamie leaned over and kissed her cheek before pulling away and offering his arm, "Shall we go, Mistress Fraser?"

"Jamie," Eleanor turned her head, wearily. "Please tell me that you aren't getting yourself in trouble."

He dropped his arm and turned her face towards him, "Dinna fash yerself, lass. These are things that I was doin in the months before ye and I met. Things we need to maintain to properly support ye and the bairn and all of Lallybroch."

"But you are important as well. And Murtagh and Fergus. Please take care."

"Aye, lass." He offered his arm again and this time, Eleanor took it, but her heart was weary.

* * *

"I am curious," Eleanor slid her glass of wine in Jamie's direction, "are you planning to be in Edinburgh long, Lord John, enough to let a house?"

"It's a short let," John explained, "as my business might take several weeks and I wished to be comfortable. The inns can be less than desirable."

"I see," Eleanor said, taking a sip of water. "How are Lady Isobel and Willie?"

"They are doing quite well," John said, "Lady Isobel wishes for me to send you, Jamie, her warmest congratulations"

"That is kind of her," Jamie said. "And the lad?"

"Ah," John smiled, widely, "Willie is still growing quickly since the last time we met and is still doing marvelously."

"How old is Willie now?" Ellie asked.

"He is five," Jamie said. "Still an active lad?"

"Aye," John said, "into everything."

Eleanor paused, frowning, "I am confused about the timetables, Jamie," she said, "I thought there had been a while since you left Hellwater."

"Ah, no," Jamie cleared his throat, "It's has been..." he looked to John.

"Almost a year," John said.

She looked at him, quizzically and Jamie cleared his throat.

"How is his ridin comin?"

"Quite well, but he still asks after his instructor."

"Aye,I'm glad fer it, I must admit," Jamie said.

"And that wooden snake, he couldn't part with that for ages," John said, quietly. "Eleanor, has Edinburgh much changed in the months since your visit?"

She glanced at Jamie, "A bit," she said, wryly. "I hope you don't think me to be completely impertinent, Lord John, but I noticed the arms that are still around here. I thought with the Act of Proscription that all arms were removed."

"Ah, no," John replied, glancing at Jamie, "only in the Highlands, though the dress rules apply to the whole of Scotland. You wouldn't be familiar with that of course being from the colonies. I did hope that maybe Jamie would like to practice with me a bit while we are here. I do need someone well matched to keep my skill up."

"Aye," Jamie said, with a nod.

"Jamie's skills are surely rusty though," Eleanor said, quietly.

"I find that Jamie's skills come back quickly, Eleanor," John said.

"Oh, yes, as in Ireland," Eleanor nodded. "Skills with what precisely?"

"Swords, I think," John said, "If Fraser is up to it."

"I am," Jamie said, "Maybe Eleanor should watch. Her husband before wasna a soldier," he looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "and I dinna think she has seen such things. Between ye and I..."

"And I since I am sitting _right here_," Ellie interjected and Jamie continued,

"She gets squeamish with things she dinna ken of, John."

John laughed behind his napkin, "I see."

"My digestion must be quite troubled since marrying you," Eleanor retorted, the sarcasm evident in her voice.

Jamie chuckled appreciatively, "Dinna seem so tonight, mo ghraidh."

She looked at John, quickly for a reaction to the Gaelic spoken. He looked her in the eyes, "You are among a friend, Madam Fraser. Do not trouble yourself."

She smiled at him, gratefully.

John took a sip of his wine, "I see that you are well matched with Eleanor, Jamie."

"Aye," he tipped his drink in Ellie's direction, "I dinna deny it. The lass is full of spirit, John."

"I think I will take that as a compliment," Eleanor said with a raised eyebrow.

"I'd have it no other way," Jamie assured her.

* * *

"Tell me what you think of the book, Ellie," John said after they retired from dinner. They chatted a good while about the topic, John thoroughly enjoying the company of the two.

"I have more for you to look through if you'd like," John said, after a while. "Go ahead and help yourself to look what is on the desk."

"Thank you," she said as she rose, sitting at the desk, and beginning to look through the desk.

The men talked for a bit, before Jamie said, "The business ye summoned me for. Can it wait until morning if it is goin to vex me?"

"Yes, indeed," John said, "A chess match, maybe?"

Eleanor rose, "I think this one looks promising," She handed it John.

"Ah, yes, a good one," John frowned, "A little...unseemly...perhaps for a lady."

"Unseemly?" Eleanor looked to Jamie, who cleared his throat. "Violence?"

"Ah, no," John coughed. "Perhaps, Jamie should look at it before."

She turned her head towards Jamie and raised her eyebrows at him. "James?" She handed him the book, "Do I have your approval to read this?" She said it pointedly.

Jamie opened up the book and flipped through it, his eyes widening at certain parts. He flipped it closed, "Perhaps, not, lass." He cleared his throat. "I dinna think it appropriate for a lady of gentle breeding as of yerself."

"Good Lord," Eleanor went over to retrieve the book, "What is in it?" She glanced between the men and then flipped the book open.

"Eleanor!" Jamie growled, and quickly rose from his spot and snatched it from her before she could blink. His reflexes were so sharp and for a moment, she saw glimpses of her highlander warrior. Quick on his feet, commanding...and fierce.

"I'm sure it is not anything worse than what I told you about before..."

Jamie's ear grew pink as he ducked down to whisper in her ear, "Have we not discussed yer lack of decorum in front of Lord John?" His tone was pointed and her mind flashed back to Jamie's method of discussion.

"I don't think Lord John minds," Eleanor said, turning to him, "Do you?"

"Eleanor!" Jamie squeezed her arm tight. "Dinna put John on the spot."

John turned his head and laughed, "Good Lord, Jamie. She is a breath of fresh air," he stood, walking over to the desk. "Eleanor, allow me to choose one I think you would enjoy more."

"Very well," Eleanor said.

He rifled through the books. "This one."

"I had thought of this one before," she admitted. "But I thought the other one would get a rise out of Jamie," she said to John, conspiratorially.

Jamie snorted, "That I believe."

John winked at her, "I am pleased Jamie brought you along. I have not been this amused in ages...perhaps since the last time we met."

"Glad I can be of service, my Lord," Eleanor said, with a wry smile.

And in that moment, John confirmed what he had suspected when they had first met-he had found a kindred spirit in Eleanor.

* * *

"Eleanor seems like she is adjusting well to marriage with you," John said, moving his pawn.

"Aye," Jamie moved his piece, "I think so. Clearly she is comfortable with ye."

"As I said before, I find," John moved his piece, "her lack of pretension charming. But are the colonies that different that she can assert herself as your equal, Jamie?"

"Ach, no, I dinna imagine so," Jamie answered, casually, "but her marriage before was unique. She kens when to yield, I assure you."

"By force?" John said, moving another piece, "Check."

"At times," Jamie said, "but I find that I can usually coerce her by other means. Check."

"Ah," John frowned, studying the board, "You are happy then?" he asked, casually.

"Aye," Jamie said, "Verra much so. Are ye?"

"Yes, indeed. Isobel is a very happy companion. And Willie, I find being a..." he paused.

"A father," Jamie moved another piece.

John cleared his throat, "Yes, a father. I find that to be quite satisfying at times..." he moved a piece.

"Aye, I'm grateful for it," Jamie moved his piece, "Checkmate."

* * *

"I would trust no one with this task, except you, especially when I saw this," John pointed to the middle of the parchment. "The name, Fraser of Lovat. That is your clan, yes?"

Jamie let out a long breath, "Aye," he took the parchment from John and sat down, "Where did you come by this?"

"The man is now dead," John said, "but this was also with it..." he handed him the second parchment, "Your family genealogy, is it not?"

"It is that," Jamie said, frowning deeply, "Who else has seen this?"

"My brother," John said, "He urged me up here. The man was one of the last holdouts of the Irish Jacobite movement or so we thought."

Jamie studied the piece of parchment, carefully. He sat there a few minutes, contemplating.

"What is it, Jamie?"

"Weel," Jamie rolled up the parchment, "As far as I can tell, it is lore, a prophecy of sorts. How they came by it, I canna not tell."

"And what does it say?"

"In short," Jamie cleared his throat, "That the one who will finally reclaim the throne for the Scots will be from the line of Fraser of Lovat after the Jacobite Rebellion or the rebellion of the white Rose."

"Why would they Irish rebellion concern themselves with the Scots?" John asked.

"If the one on the throne would be agreeable to their cause then it could mean independence for both the Scots and the Irish."

"And the savior of the cause would be a Fraser of Lovat?"

"According to the lore, aye."

"I see," John's voice was grave, "Are there people that believe this?"

"I can only assume," Jamie shrugged, "given this." Jamie opened the chart, "Aye, Lord Lovat died at the Tower," he pointed to the chart as John looked over his shoulder. His finger moved, "His son also perished in the war. And...the line only remains open..." his voice trailed off.

"Here," John pointed to the chart. "With James Alexander Fraser. You."

"Or with a child descended from my line," Jamie's voice was low.

"William."

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, swiftly, "They will not ken of William. How can they? But..." Jamie took a breath, "Ye have to destroy this, John."

"It's such foolishness," John said, "You aren't planning a rebellion, are you, Mr. Fraser?"

"No, I am not and of course it is foolishness, but there are some sects that will believe it to be true and..." Jamie paused, "I do not need trouble from the English over this. I am not planning a rebellion and as for my offspring..." He paused, "Willie is protected, but John, Eleanor is expecting our child in a few months."

"Good God, Jamie," John said, "Why did you not say it earlier?"

Jamie turned to him, "The lass is weary that the babe has not quickened yet and given that she has just lost her husband and two children, it is a sensitive for her."

"Ah, of course," John said. "And no doubt, we will do what we must, for Eleanor and your child."

"Aye," Jamie said, "we must take care that the people who gave ye this information are acting alone. As for yer brother..."

"My brother will not be a concern," John said, "Will you help?"

"Aye," Jamie said, with a nod. "But we mustn't worry the lass over it."

"Is Eleanor prone to worry?"

"Aye, she is, more than ye would ever ken. I dinna want her to fash when she is carryin my babe."

"Very well then," John said, taking the paper and the parchment and pitching it into the fire.

"Let's give us time to sort this out," Jamie said, "Let Eleanor stay but I will send her to Lallybroch if things get too complicated."

"Your marriage to Eleanor is not documented... is it?"

"No, we were hand fasted," Jamie looked troubled, "I did want to marry her properly in front of the church, before the bairn came." He paused, "I do not think that should happen now. I dinna want any record of the marriage."

"Does it matter to you, Jamie?"

"No, she is my wife. And I will honor the vow I made to her until my dying day."

"Does it matter to Eleanor?"

Jamie paused, "I dinna ken."

John cleared his throat, "I see. Is Eleanor papist?"

"Ach, no," Jamie said, "she is not. Presbyterian."

"That's quite a difference."

"Aye," Jamie said, "but it has not seemed to have a bearing on anything so far."

"And in the future?"

"That I canna say."

"I hope you don't think me impertinent for saying so, but Eleanor doesn't seem the kind to mind orders well."

"Ah," he laughed, "No, she is not. I had one verra strong women in Claire. I dinna think I could abide with one who did not equal her in strength of mind and character."

"I'm glad for you then. Truly."

"I thank ye. And I thank ye for alerting me to this."

"Of course," John said. "I am at your service, Jamie."

"As I am at yours, John."

* * *

Eleanor watched Jamie and John with the swords from the yard. They were both skilled and the brute strength of both of them was jaw dropping, especially with concern to her husband. She tugged at the ribbon of her hat, keeping it still in the slight breeze.

Jamie caught her eye and her mouth drop and smiled at her.

"Keep your eye on your task, Captain Fraser," John said.

"Dinna call me that," Jamie flung his sword, making contact with his, flipping it around.

Eleanor jolted and then looked down at her stomach, putting her hand on her stomach. It was undeniable. The baby was jostling her womb in response to the activity. The movement was strong. Perhaps she should not have dismissed the earlier flutters. This was real. This was their child. Hers and Jamie's.

"Hold on," Jamie held up his hand and John looked over, dropping his sword.

"What is it?" John leaned over catching his breath.

"Mo ghraidh," Jamie approached her, "Are ye well?"

"Yes, of course, I didn't mean to interrupt you," Eleanor said. "Carry on."

John approached the two. "What is the matter?"

"The bairn?" Jamie asked, pressing her. "Was that the bairn?"

"I think we might have a future solider," Eleanor laughed, her eyes bright. "He apparently loves the sound of sword fighting, not that I blame him. That was a impressive, gentlemen."

"A future solider, eh?" Jamie exchanged a long look with John, who had all the sudden become still.

"Of course, I'd rather he be a solicitor or farmer or something that is not so dangerous," Eleanor frowned at Jamie, "Why are you looking at Lord John like that?"

Jamie put his arm around her waist, pulling her into him, "It's no matter, lassie. I am just relieved that the bairn has quickened."

"I told you not to worry," Eleanor poked at him.

"Aye, that ye did," Jamie kissed her head. "I will heed yer advice on the matter next time."

"See that you do, Mister Fraser," she said, smiling widely at him.

* * *

"Jamie," Eleanor reached for him. "You've come to bed."

"Aye, lass," he kissed her and she twined her legs through his.

"I haven't had the chance to tell you, my husband, my thoughts on you and Lord John sword fighting."

"Do ye have thoughts then?" he nipped at her ear.

"According to you, I always have thoughts. So maybe I should keep them to myself this time," Eleanor teased, her voice low.

"Hum," Jamie bit her ear harder, "We canna have ye start doin that now, can we, lassie?"

She ran her hand down Jamie's side. "I think Isobel is lucky," she whispered in his ear. "For John being...he is quite attractive."

Jamie growled and smack her bottom hard. "Do ye think?"

"I do," she said, "As for you, Mr. Fraser..." she paused, "I have a confession to make."

"I'm no priest, but I'll hear it as yer husband," Jamie said, "though ye may not like your pittance."

"I'll have to take my chances," Eleanor said.

"Go on then," Jamie kissed her, "How have ye sinned?"

"When you and Lord John were sword fighting," she said, rubbing his leg, "I had quite the number of improper thoughts. Lust, is it called?"

"Did ye now?" Jamie kissed her neck.

"And as such, afterwards, while you and John were out, I took the liberty of sneaking into Lord John's office and stealing the book that you forbid me to read."

Jamie flipped her over onto her back and pinned her arms. "Did ye when I expressly forbid ye to?" his voice turned stern and she couldn't quite tell if he was putting it on or serious.

"I do not know if you have figured this out, yet, but I do have a hard time following orders."

"Aye, I ken that from the moment we met. What shall I do with ye, Mistress Fraser?" Jamie growled.

"I figured since you can't beat me, there really was nothing to lose. And it was enlightening. Shocking. I mean...you thought 50 shades was bad."

She was goading him, it was so clear and Jamie was all for it.

"Is that so?" He leaned up on his elbows, "Let me see if I have this straight. Ye think since ye are carrying my bairn, ye can do whatever the hell ye please."

"Pretty much," Eleanor said, twisting his curl, "though I know you promised not to beat me again without my permission, but it is fun not to have to be confronted by that choice hanging over my head."

"Fun, eh? Oh, Eleanor, my sweet innocent un, there are other ways I can punish ye," Jamie retorted, gently moving her hair out of her eye, "I dinnae need to thrash ye to subdue ye properly."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Aye," he leaned down so they were nose to nose. "I willna hold myself back from ye tonight. If ye want lust, I will give ye lust. Do ye ken my meaning?"

"I think I do."

"Are ye certain ye do?" He paused, growing serious and studying her carefully. She shrugged and then he dropped his hand to cradle her bump, "Will our bairn be safe?"

"Yes, he or she is well protected in there," Eleanor said.

"Are ye afraid?" his voice was a murmur. She knew he was giving her a chance for an out. She had been flirting with him and he was taking her up on it, but if it was not what she wanted, he would back down.

"Nervous," Eleanor admitted. "It's never been...raw...between Will and I...we had passion, don't get me wrong, but it was..." she struggled, "I don't know how to put it."

"Aye, he was refined," Jamie kissed her neck, "But I am a highlander and as such, I am not...but I will ask ye again, are ye afraid? Because if ye are, I willna do it."

Speak now or forever hold your peace. Oh, God, how she adored him...

And with that, the choice had been made.

"I'm not afraid of you, James Fraser." She leaned up to kiss him.

* * *

Eleanor very carefully slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Jamie, who was snoring. She reached for her shift and shrugged it on and then her dressing gown. She went to the pitcher to fill some water, but realized it was empty.

Candle in hand, she went down the stairs in search of water. She found some in the dining room. She slid into the chair at the table. The house was very similar to a house she and Will stayed in with the children. She almost felt like it could have been the same one. The house they had stayed in looked similar, it was from the right century. Could it have been the very same one or was she being completely foolish?

The room transformed in her mind from a long table to several littler ones, bunched together.

_"Does the bairn want another piece of toast?" the proprietor asked._

_Charlotte was kicking the chair, her dolly in her hand, jam all over her face and in her curls."Yes!"_

_"Say please," Will instructed her. "No Harry, do not run your cars to fall off the table." Will caught her eye and smirked at her weary, embarrassed expression. "It bother us more than it bothers them, Ellie."_

_"Aye, he is right. It is good for the bairns to be active," The proprietor winked at her. "Keeps us all young."_

Eleanor closed her eyes at the memory. She shouldn't have been embarrassed. She should have treasured the chaos, because now it was gone. Forever.

God, what was she doing? And tonight...

The desire between her and Jamie- it had been building in intensity for weeks, but tonight, it was a different Jamie. For the past five months, he had been so careful to keep in check his passion to align it to her need. But tonight...

He hadn't held back and the result was... their love making, it was raw and intense and beautiful and it made her hurt and yet healed her all at the same time.

And the thing that bothered her the most is that she probably wouldn't have let Will be that way with her. But she wanted it from Jamie in the worst way. And he knew it from the minute he caught her gaping at him sword fighting... and gave it to her...oh, boy did he give it to her. He was relentless with her. But then when they both finished, he wrapped her up in his arms and hugged her tightly, clinging to her, giving her words of assurance...easing the rawness, replacing it with a tenderness that was the perfect juxtaposition for just what happened.

Good Lord.

She took a breath as the tears began to fill and overflow, burying her head to sob into the table.

"Eleanor," John stood at the doorway, "Do you need me to get Jamie?"

She lifted her head and wiped her eyes quickly, "No, please don't. I was just searching for water and I... I probably shouldn't be out of bed."

"Don't worry yourself," John said, "I don't mind. May I sit with you?"

"Of course," Eleanor sniffled and John pulled out his handkerchief, "Here."

"Thank you," her lip trembled. "I'm sorry."

"Do not trouble yourself, I beg you," John said, reaching to put a hand on her arm. "Are you in pain?"

Truth be told, she was aching, but she couldn't rightly say.

"Does heartache count?" Eleanor laughed through her tears.

"I'd say, sometimes that pain feels the greatest of all," John said quietly.

She wiped her eyes and gripped the handkerchief. "I was married ten years. I had two children with my husband. And I loved him. He was my best friend. A good man. The best husband."

"And yet..." John's hand remained on her arm, comforting her, "you are in love with Jamie."

She sobbed, "Completely. Foolishly. God, how can I be so stupid to fall in love with him?"

"It is not stupid at all, Eleanor," John said. "Does he know?"

"I can't tell him."

"Why ever not?" John asked.

"I cannot bear to see the look upon his face when he realizes he cannot return it."

"Do you not think it can be in his heart to love two women?"

"You know Jamie well, do you think so?"

He rubbed her arm, "I did not think so, but then I met you. You have a dear soul, Eleanor. And may I say, as your friend if I can presume to call myself that..."

"I'd be honored if you called yourself my friend, Lord John."

"Thank you, Eleanor. Call me John," he chided, "As your friend and as Jamie's friend, he would not want you to be plagued over what you cannot say. He would want you to trust him enough with what is in your heart. I can tell that your marriage is being built on that trust. Do not do it harm by not honoring it. And when Jamie looks at you," John paused and Eleanor knew the rest of the words were hard for him, "it is clear that he treasures you."

She nodded, "Thank you for that, John."

"Your welcome. Now you should go to sleep. You look shattered. Things tend to look better in the morning."

She nodded, the crumpled handkerchief still in her hand. She stood, "Oh, here is your handkerchief back."

"Keep it, I have many of them."

"I cannot thank you enough for your kindness tonight."

"Think nothing of it. I am glad I found you when I did. I hate to see you so distressed."

She smiled at him, weakly, "As you said, I am sure things will seem brighter in the morn." She reached for the candle and turned to leave, but then suddenly stopped when she heard the brief exhale from Lord John.

She turned back and said very gently, "John, do you see yourself in me any?"

John stiffened but then relaxed when he realized she meant no harm or judgement. "You are remarkably perceptive, Eleanor."

"I do not wish you pain."

"Of course, you do not, my dear. It is a fair question."

"But one I have no right to ask."

John laughed briefly, "I think you have more right than any." He closed his eyes, "I will only say that I find you to be a kindred spirit...and I have felt that since they day we first met."

"I told Jamie tonight that I think Isobel is lucky to have you."

"You do not know what you say."

"But I do," Eleanor said, quietly. "We have a saying where I come from- you are one of the good ones."

John swallowed hard, "Then I am delighted and humbled by your assessment of my character."

She smiled at him, "You will not say anything to James, will you?"

"Not a word," he assured her. "It's will remain between you and I." He pointed to his chest. "Locked in here. Quite safe, I assure you."

She had turned again, but this time John was the one that stopped her, "Eleanor."

"Yes."

"If," John stood, "you should ever be in need, I hope you know that you can rely on me." He did not know what compelled him to say those words, but he sensed they were important.

She smiled at him, "Sleep well, my Lord."

"Goodnight, Madam Fraser."

She stood there another moment, her eyes drawn to John's. And years later, the two of them would remember this encounter and John's words to her as a moment of foreshadowing what was to come.

**A/N**: I played with the timetables a bit from cannon to make Jamie leave Hellwater sooner. And...the infamous Fraser Prophecy. I stuck closer to the book on that one, not the version of Season 3. And there was quite a bit of Lord John in here, but I love his character. Hopefully I am doing his justice...A long chapter, please let me know what you think. :)


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N:** oh my goodness, thank you for the lovely reviews! I am so glad that people are enjoying this story. I'm sorry this update was slower, but I'm back at work and juggling crazy work/home. Writing is a great stress-relief though. I will try to update as I can. Another chapter, please let me know what you think!

**Chapter 12**:

Eleanor tipped toed back into the room, candle still in hand. She felt more settled after talking to John, but she was still out of sorts and would rather Jamie not know about it...not yet, at least.

She carefully extinguished the candle, placing it on the nightstand before very quietly sliding into bed. The bed creaked as she put her weight on it and heart beat quickly when Jamie made a guttural noise. She carefully turned onto her side, her back away from Jamie, but the bed squeaked again. She held her breath, waiting to see if Jamie actually woke up.

"Where were ye?" he asked, groggily.

"I was thirsty and we were out of water," Eleanor whispered, "I'm sorry, Jamie. Go back to sleep."

He turned in her direction, gathering her up and pulling her towards him until her back was against his chest, "I'm awake now."

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"Tis no matter," Jame said, tucking her head underneath his chin. She was silent and Jamie felt her tension in her body. He waited a few minutes to see if she would relax, but when he realized that she wasn't going to, he asked, "How are ye faring, Mistress Fraser?"

She paused, tensing even more. "I'm fine."

"Are ye now?" Jamie's tone was light, but clear that he didn't believe her feeble attempts to lie to him.

He reached for her hand, "What's this?" he asked, his voice low.

"Oh," Eleanor pulled away and turned around as Jamie tugged the handkerchief out of her hand. "I forgot I was holding it."

Jamie sat up and reached to light the lamp. He studied the handkerchief.

"JG," he frowned.

She sat up. "I ran into Lord John downstairs just now."

"But why would ye need his handkerchief?" Jamie asked.

She shrugged and hugged her arms against her, "Are you upset I ran into Lord John in the middle of the night?"

Jamie snorted, "No, if ye are implying I think anythin improper would occur between him and ye, I dinnae think it could."

She lifted her eyebrows, "So I was right about Lord John?"

"I dinna say that," He wagged her finger at her, "Dinnae distract me, mo ghraidh. I still require an answer."

She paused and sighed, "My emotions are all over the place. That's not the right way to say it...they are..." she paused, "Overwrought? Is that the appropriate sentiment?" she swallowed hard.

"Aye," He paused and studied her carefully, "I dinna scare ye, did I? I ken ye were not before..."

"I toying with you," Eleanor's voice was quiet. "I was practically asking for you to respond that way."

"Aye, ye did," he said and then fell silent, but his gaze remained intensely probing.

Unable to take his scrutiny, she blushed, "I don't know why I did. Please don't look at me like that. It's completely unnerving."

His expression immediately moderated. "Maybe ye did to see if ye could," Jamie suggested, simply.

"Perhaps," she coughed, her throat dry.

"I wasn't too hard on ye, was I?"

"I mean, I'm sore naturally, but no, I wouldn't say."

"And the babe?"

"Fine."

Jamie let out a breath at her noncommittal answers. Finally he said, bluntly, "If ye dinnae like it for whatever reason, we dinnae have to do it so rough again."

"I..." She was unsure of how to answer that. She swallowed hard, "Did you...I mean...were _you_ happy with it?"

"Aye, I thought I had made that clear to ye," Jamie titled his head, the contemplative look returning. He sensed her withdrawing but he couldn't understand why. Maybe she was embarrassed by it...that could be it.

Sensing the distance between them was becoming greater with every question asked, he put his hand out to cup the side of her face, trying to bridge the gap between them. He knew his touch was comforting when she was feeling skittish, but he was surprised that his movement obviously startled her-her shoulder twitched, but she did not shrink way from him.

"I did," he answered calmly, a small smile forming at the memory, "Twas a joy for me to feel that rawness between us."

"I'm glad," she answered. "I wanted you to have that joy."

"But did ye like it?" he pressed, rubbing her cheek, "fer I desire yer joy as well."

"Yes," she nodded. "I should have thought that was rather clear as well."

He chuckled, "I was hoping I hadn't entirely misread the situation," he said, "Ye had me worrit."

"No, you didn't misread," Eleanor said and then closed her eyes, trying to get her emotions out of control.

He frowned when again saw her anguished look, "What's prattlin around in that bonny heid of yers?"

She closed her eyes, letting Jamie's hand on her face soothe her. "I don't like feeling out of control. I mean, I did at the time. I really did, but now...I just feel raw in my emotions and feelings. Like I'm still out of control of them," her voice caught, "I can't lose myself in you."

He tensed and breathed heavily for a few moments, his hand moving to rest on her shoulder. "Why can ye no?"

She took forever to answer. "Because it's fleeting, James."

He stared at her, his hand moving to the back of her head, underneath her hair. "I dinnae ken how ye can say that."

"Don't you?" she challenged, an obvious shift in demeanor.

"Do ye not see me as a man of honor?" he challenged back, but his hand was still cradling her head, refusing to take her bait.

"Of course, it's just" Eleanor swallowed, and then blurted out, "I think I have been here before."

"What do ye mean?"

"In this house. With Will and the children..."

He startled and dropped his hand. "Good Lord, mo ghraidh. Why did ye not say?"

She sniffed. "I did not realize it until downstairs. I do not understand how all of this is possible. I can't reason through this. It just seems cruel the connections. Knowing they are so close, yet so far away." The baby fluttered again and her hand moved to her stomach.

"I see Claire in different places," Jamie said, quietly, fisting his hands against the sheets, rubbing his knuckles in the bed in agitation. "But I ken those memories are in the proper time. More sensible that way."

"Yes," Eleanor took a breath. "the other way is inconceivable. A few months ago but years in the future."

"I ken ye miss him, lass," Jamie said. "And yer wee bairns. I wish I can give them back to ye."

"I do," Eleanor struggled, "especially the babies. Feeling this one's movements today, I love feeling it, and knowing he or she is well, but it hurts at the same time."

"Aye, I am sorry fer it, lass. And Will? Does that hurt ye as well?"

"Yes, but I'm finding...I mean that I will always love Will, but I'm finding..." she paused again and let out a long breath. "I'm finding...when I feel like this, when my heart hurts and feels like it will burst, I do not want Will's comfort, I want yours..." the words began to rush out, "beyond, the fact you are here and he is not. Oh God, I'm awful."

She began to pull away, her aim to get off the bed and away from these feelings which plagued her. But Jamie's hand shot out and grabbed hers, holding it tight, preventing her from drawing away. "_Look at me_."

She forced her eyes to him.

His eyes held hers. "This between us...it's special too...beyond the bairn that ye are carryin. Do ye feel it as well?"

She nodded, unable to say more.

"Dinna fear it, lass," Jamie's voice was gentle."Please, mo ghraidh. Dinna fear it."

The tears filled over, "You don't understand."

"Ye are goin to have to make me then," Jamie said, calmly. "By being honest. Ye have been skirting around it and I'm not the most patient man. I cannae read yer mind, especially as canny and complicated as yer mind tends to be." He squeezed her hand, "it will be fine, lassie, just say it."

She sniffed and took a breath, looking down at their joined hands, "I do not fear my feelings, Jamie, as much as I fear yours. I know you will only ever be able to give me so much and while that was okay at first, welcome even...I find that I don't want that at all anymore."

He was silent but did not draw away. She could tell that he was thinking of what best to say, but finally he just let out a guttural noise under his breath, murmured something in Gaelic and then reached to gather her up in his arms. He held her tight and she buried herself in him, reveling in his closeness. His arms were strong around her and she felt comforted by him and the quiet words he spoke in Gaelic to her, words that she could not understand, but soothed her all the same. When he sensed that she was settled, he pulled away.

"I wouldna fash, mo ghraidh. I do burn for ye somethin fierce..."

"Do you really?" Eleanor looked skeptical.

He laughed, "Do ye have no idea? I do not bed ye night after night because of habit or obligation. I do so because I want to. _Badly_." He leaned down to kiss her soundly. "I do burn for ye, but I ken ye realize it's different between us than it was with myself and Claire."

"I'm well aware," Eleanor said, dryly.

He gave her a stern look, "That's where ye go astray, wife. Ye make alot of assumptions that ye equate with the truth. When have I given ye cause to be concerned about our marriage bed?"

"You haven't," she let out her breath.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I haven't...now, if ye would just stop trying to provoke me, I can explain to ye what I mean."

"I'm not..." she paused at Jamie's eyebrow raised.

"ye are if only for the reason that ye can get out of this conversation instead of facing whatever is going on with ye."

"I'm sorry," she offered, wincing at his blunt assessment of things. "I'm being difficult."

"Aye, ye are, my wee besom," he squeezed her hand, "Just listen."

"I'll try."

He nodded his acceptance. "With Claire, she was the first woman I ever laid with. And we sparked somethin in each other. It was special, everything was heightened between us. We had to work on finding understanding in other ways, but the passion was no an issue. And I loved her from the very beginning. We were friends, confidantes before we marrit. There was a connection even before we wed. We did not have that, Eleanor, but what we do have..." he paused, trying to find his words, "I do burn for ye, but with ye, it's more of a..."

"Slow burn?" Eleanor offered.

"Aye," Jamie said, with a grin at her expression, "a sweet, slow burn...but dinna mistake me, it is there. And it's strong, my desire for ye. And before ye say," He gave her a knowing look and she closed her mouth, "it is not just because I want a woman in my bed. It _is_ because I want ye there."

"I don't know why. I don't think I am very good at it."

He startled at that pronouncement and then threw back his head and laughed.

"Jamie, it's not..."

"I'm sorry, after four months, yer worrit about that?" He snorted, "Ye tell me where ye feel like ye are lacking and I'd be happy to help ye, mo ghraidh if ye want to improve."

She shot him a look, "Don't tease me. I shouldn't have said that."

"Aye, ye should have if ye feel that way, but I dinnae ken why ye are so hard on yerself all the time," he shook his head,, "I ken that I am different that what ye are used to and that has taken an adjustment, but if tonight is any indication, we are doin fine. "

"Maybe," she said, wearily. "But all of this is not really about sex, Jamie."

"I ken," Jamie nodded, "I dinna think it really was." He paused and then sighed, "I do care for ye, Eleanor, more than obligation or honor or the passion we have found. And if ye are feeling the same, then I ask ye not to run from it and I will promise ye that I will not do so either. But what it comes down to, is that I need yer trust, in the man that I am. That what I say to ye is true. I can honor Claire and honor ye too, mo ghraidh. Ye dinna have to fear yer feelings or mine or if one is stronger than the other. We are muddlin through this together, lass."

She paused, "I just don't want you to feel guilty about anything."

"I have plenty of reasons to feel guilty, lassie, but I am determined that this will not be one of them."

"Or maybe obligated to force yourself..."

"Force myself to love you?" Jamie shook his head, chidingly. "That's not how love works, my sweet lass."

"Yes, I know, it's just..." she blushed. "I want our children to think we..." she paused, "have what Ian and Jenny have..."

"I have no doubt that they will," Jamie said, seriously.

She paused, the silence weighty between them, her eyes filling with tears. Jamie reached to wipe her tears with the pad of his thumb, but did not say anything.

"But I want it to be true," she said, finally gathering the courage to speak.

"And I have no doubt it will be...in time," Jamie said. "Dinna weep," he said, as the tears fell faster, "Dinna weep, mo leannan."

"I'm sorry," she said, reaching back for the handkerchief that had sat on the bed, but had propelled them into this conversation. She wiped her eyes. "I didn't mean to cry."

"Ach," Jamie clucked, disapprovingly, "Ye can cry, I just dinna like to see ye so upset."

She scrunched the handkerchief in her hand, "My emotions with the baby...I fear you are in for a lot of ups and downs."

"Is that what this is about?" Jamie titled his head.

She forced a smile, "Not really."

"Then, the question remains," He put his finger under her chin, pushing it up so she was looking at him, "Will ye trust in the man that I am or no?"

She nodded. "I do trust you."

"Did I ease yer worries?"

She looked him in the eyes, "Yes."

"Verra gut," He nodded, giving her a quick kiss on the lips, "Now are ye ready to sleep or do ye need more coddling? It's awfully late and ye exhausted me earlier."

"I exhausted ye?" She teased as she smacked him lightly, "And I would have gotten to sleep if you didn't start snoring."

"Aye," Jamie poked at her, "I am not the only one, alainn ros."

"What does that mean?

"Beautiful Rose."

"Oh gosh, just with a few thorns."

"Aye, yer a prickly one at times, but I find that most women are."

"Good Lord, that is a horrible generalization."

"Do ye deny it?" Jamie asked, quirking his head.

"For myself, no. For others, I am offended."

He laughed harder, "Ye are no verra sensible tonight, Eleanor, but I like ye all the same."

She smiled at him as he settled back in bed and opened his arms for her. She snuggled into them.

"The baby is moving again," Eleanor commented.

Jamie's hand moved to rest on her stomach. "I canna wait until I can feel what ye feel."

She covered his hand, "I can't either."

They were silent for a few minutes and Eleanor had almost completely relaxed in his embrace, their hands still joined over her belly.

"I do love you at times, James Fraser."

Jamie let out a long breath. "Yer precious to me, Eleanor. I do hope you ken that well."

"I do," she said, softly, rubbing her hand against his.

"_raibh maith agat_."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Fer trusting me," Jamie said, quietly.

"It only took alot of drama to do so."

Jamie chuckled at her coinage. "Just say yer welcome, mo ghraidh."

"How do I say it in Gaelic?"

"_Se do bheatha." _

_"Se do Bheatha." _Eleanor chuckled, "it sounds much more lovely when you say it, Jamie."

Jamie snorted. "_Goodnight, Eleanor._"

"Goodnight, love."

* * *

"Do you know where Jamie went?" Eleanor asked John the next morning as she slid into the table for breakfast.

"I do not," John said, "He left a note that he had business to attend to across town."

Eleanor thanked John who passed her food, taking some fresh bread and fruit. "He left one for me as well, but his details were sparse. Did he take Murtagh with him?"

"I believe Mr. Fitzgibbons did accompany him," John said, "Coffee or tea, Ellie?"

"Coffee, most definitely," Eleanor said, "I'm exhausted."

"I did not realize coffee was so stimulating."

"Oh, yes," Eleanor said with a nod, "I do find it particularly invigorating."

"Do you?" John said, "then we must oblige you. Did you not sleep well after our conversation?"

Eleanor took a sip of the coffee John handed her. "Jamie and I talked for a while."

"I'm glad," John said, his eyes kind.

Eleanor took a bit of bread and then asked him, "Did Jamie tell you what business he had to attend to?"

"He did not mention it, no," John said, "but then I only read his note. I can show it to you if you'd like so we can compare."

"No," Eleanor said, quickly, "Jamie asked me to trust him about things and I do, it's just..." she paused.

"Ah," John cleared his throat, "I find the policy of not asking too many questions unless it directly affects me serves me well at times like these. Jamie is a free man. He does not owe the crown any debt, unless, of course, he does something to change that."

"I do not think Jamie is naturally a criminal," Eleanor said, seriously. "I just worry about him, especially when he is less than forthcoming with me."

"I do not think Jamie is either," John said, equally serious. "Rebellion and treason withstanding."

"But," Eleanor took a sip, "I do think that was rather by fate not by choice."

"Do you?" John asked lightly. "He was pretty tight in the circles of the young pretender."

"The young pretender?" Eleanor paused, "oh, Charles Stuart. Yes, well...that can be deceiving, John."

"You intrigue me, Eleanor," John said.

"I suppose I will just have to leave it as a mystery," she smiled at him, "otherwise Jamie might be upset at me for revealing his secrets...and the past is long past, is it not?"

"Hum," John took a sip of coffee, "You, my dear, have just planted something in my head, for future use, perhaps."

"Perhaps," Eleanor said. "He's a good man."

"I have never doubted Mr. Fraser's finer qualities," John said, quietly.

"I know that," she said, "Enemies but now friends. There could be book written about it."

"Indeed," John said, "But who would want to read it?"

She laughed, her laughter filling up the room, "Plenty, trust me."

He laughed with her, "I take your expert opinion on it, then," he said.

"Wise choice, my Lord," Eleanor said, grinning at him.

Her eye wandered to the empty spot across from her where Jamie had been sitting. Her heart twisted as her smile faded.

John cleared his throat, "About Jamie's business dealings," he put his hand on her arm, "I am sure he is taking care. He is about to become a father."

"I'm sure you are right," She bit her lip, "But maybe I can coax it out of Murtagh later."

John coughed and Eleanor laughed, "You'd be surprised."

"With you, Madam Fraser, nothing should surprise me," he smiled at her and they finished their morning meal in easy companionship.

* * *

"There you are," John said, finding her reading in the sitting room. "A note from Jamie."

Eleanor laid the book aside and reached for it, reading it briefly. "What business could have detained him for the night?" she asked, aghast. "And what would compel him to leave even before saying goodbye?"

John shrugged, "I would not fear, Eleanor. I am sure all is well."

She frowned, disturbed.

"Regardless what should _we_ do tonight?"

"We?" Eleanor looked at him, curiously.

"Yes," John said, a conspiratorial smile on his face, "Jamie can't have all the adventures here, can he?"

Eleanor chuckled, "What do you have in mind?"

"The theater perhaps? It's not as refined as London, but there is a traveling company putting on a play tonight. It should be amusing at least."

She thought for a moment, "I do think I would enjoy that. Alo...greatly. But I don't think I have the proper attire."

John waved her off, "I can sort that out. I will set Tom to the task."

"But is it very proper considering both of us are married?"

"It is most assuredly not, but considering no one knows us here, I think it will not be too damaging to either of our reputations."

"Well then," she grinned, "that sounds perfect to me."

* * *

Eleanor bit her lip, looking at herself in the small mirror. Her pregnancy had enhanced her figure and the dress did nothing to hide the cleavage. Considering she was used to women dressing in alot less clothing then these times, she was surprised how it made her feel at tad vulnerable. And she hadn't realize that spending time with Lord John, out, she might not necessarily know how to comport herself in these social situations. Still, the dress did flatter, she had to admit. So at least there was that...

She reached for her fan and made her way down the stairs, her hand on the banister.

"There you are," John stopped and paused, a small smile on his face. "Tom did outdo himself"

"I hope he wasn't put out too much by it considering he is a valet, not a lady's maid," Eleanor said, with a smile.

"Of course not," John said. "Though I strongly suspect that Jamie would have my head if he knew."

"If he was here, then he would be able to approve or disapprove but as such," she flung out her fan, fanning herself, "I am not sure I care."

"Well played, Madam Fraser," he held out his arm. "Are you ready?"

She nodded.

* * *

Hours later they returned to a fully lit house. John had just mimicked the awful lines from the play and had Ellie in stitches. He took her wrap and handed it to Tom, before they both stopped in their tracks to see Jamie sitting waiting for them.

"Did your business conclude early?" John asked.

"Aye," Jamie nodded.

"Did you get our note?" Eleanor said, lightly. "We were sorry you could not join us."

"I think you would have been amused by the spectacle," John said, "your wife is quite the witty critic."

"Aye, if I ken my wife, I am sure she had many opinions," he approached Eleanor. He leaned down to kiss her cheek, "I am glad you had a gut time, lassie. Thank you, John, for keeping her company."

"My pleasure," John said, "Eleanor is delightful company as I am sure you are well aware of."

"That I am." He pulled back to study her, his eyes resting on the cut of her dress, "I do hope you had a wrap in the theater, I wouldna want ye to catch a chill."

Eleanor blushed at his scrutiny and the implications of his words, "I thought it was rather warm in there."

"Quite so," John glanced at Jamie, "She does look fashionable, does she not, Jamie?"

"Aye, that she does," Jamie said, his Adam's apple bobbing, "verra bonny, Mistress Fraser."

"I thank you both," Eleanor stifled a yawn, "I am tired though. Are you coming to bed, Jamie?"

"In a few minutes, lass. I'd like to have a drink. Will ye join me?" Jamie asked John.

"Of course," John nodded.

"Very well," Eleanor gave a brief courtesy to John, "Thank you for a marvelous time, Lord John."

"My pleasure, Madam Fraser," he bowed slightly.

Eleanor bid them both goodnight and left them alone.

They retired to the study and John went over to pour them some brandy.

"Eleanor was worried about your business endeavorers," John said, handing a tumbler to Jamie, "I felt it was best to distract her."

"Aye, well," Jamie frowned, taking a sip and then going to sit, "the lass shouldna worry."

"She adores you, Jamie," John sat as well, "That much is clear. Of course, she worries, especially if your business dealings are suspect." He paused, "Should I ask?"

"No," Jamie retorted, gruffly, "and even if ye did, I willna tell. I have to be able to support my family, John."

"Of course," John said, slowly. He took a long sip, "I managed to talk to the player, discreetly of course. Eleanor didn't even notice."

"How stealth of ye," Jamie said, "she notices much and ye dinna ken how much because she can be so quiet."

"She was talkative tonight at times."

"Aye, when ye are her friend, the lass is different, much more animated and free."

"Then I should count myself lucky to be called so," John said, "You are not upset that I took her out, are you?"

"I dinnae think anything uncouth would happen between the ye two and we are not verra well known that tongues would wag. Ye are a marrit man too."

"Yes," John cleared his throat, "I am."

"Do ye miss her?"

"At times," John said.

"Ye dinnae have to help me with this. I can work on my own to contain the situation."

"Of course I will help you, as long as I am able. We are friends are we not?"

"Aye, we are."

"Then it's settled," John said, matter of factually, his tone not brooking argument.

"Yer wife will understand?"

"Isobel is used to me going off times on end," John said, "It is your wife we have to contend with."

"That much I do ken," Jamie said, "now tell me aboot the player- what information did he have?"

* * *

Jamie came to be a half an hour later. "I'd thought ye'd be asleep," he told her, surprised as she was reading by the fire a blanket around her shoulders.

She didn't lay her book aside, "I am still keyed up from the play."

"Keyed up?" Jamie asked, shrugging off his jacket and beginning to work on his shirt.

"Energized," she said, frowning, turning a page, "I'm just awake."

"Ah, aye," Jamie answered. "I heard ye were worried about me."

"Yes."

"I left ye a message."

"You did," Eleanor turned another page, "Thank you for that."

Jamie looked over his shoulder as he unbuttoned and removed his pants. "Ye are holding back, woman."

She carefully placed a ribbon in the spot where she was reading and laid the book aside, "I just was really vulnerable with you yesterday. You asked me to trust you and I did. But that does not mean that I do not worry when I know you are involved with things that you will not say, which must mean there is a reason you will not say, which means it might be against the law. You just became a free man, Jamie. Why would you compromise that?"

"I told ye, it was things that I was involved in before we wed."

"I'm remember what you said. And I'm saying that..."

Jamie held up his hand, "We need the money, lass. Fer us. Fer the bairn. Fer Lallybroch."

Eleanor closed her eyes tightly, "Just...be careful, James. Really, really careful. Please."

Jamie dropped to his knees beside her chair and reached for her clutched hands, gripping it. He put her hands to his lips. "Of course, I will take care, mo ghraidh."

She opened her eyes, "Good." She smiled, "You would have loved the play tonight. It was so bad it was good, if you know what I mean."

Jamie chuckled, "Aye, I ken yer meaning, my witty lass." He reached for her hand, pulling her up, the blanket falling off of her, "Is there a reason ye did not undress?"

"Well, considering my..." she paused, "neckline seemed to capture your attention tonight, I wondered if you would like to help me?" she titled her head.

"Aye, I would," Jamie's eyes held hers. "Turn around, Mistress Fraser," he commanded.

She gave him a knowing grin and obeyed his command.

* * *

Days turned into weeks. John and Jamie would leave for hours, sometimes overnight. Eleanor would overhear bits of conversation that would hush the minute she entered the room. She was concerned, but she knew that the two men were more than capable of caring for themselves. And when they were together, the three of them fell into easy companionship, genuinely enjoying each other's company. Until one night Jamie came to bed, looking grim.

"Eleanor," Jamie kissed her head, later that night. "Our business is taking longer than we had anticipated. We've exhausted all avenues here. We need to travel and ye canna come with us."

Eleanor stilled and then turned towards him, "No. I do not know what is going on, but I do not want you mixed up in God knows what."

"Aye, I ken yer feelings on the matter, but I am telling you that I have decided that I must. Murtagh has agreed to take you home to Lallybroch."

She shrugged, "I am not leaving you."

"Ye canna stay, lass," Jamie said, "Ye need to be home at Lallybroch with Jenny so ye can safely deliver our child."

"That's still months away," Eleanor said, frowning. "What is going on?" she asked, hugging herself.

"I canna say."

"Can't or won't say?" Eleanor retorted, frustrated.

"Won't say," Jamie answered, "And I dinnae have to provide ye an explanation, wife."

"No, you don't but whether you should or not is what should be discussed now," Eleanor took a breath. "And I believe you should."

"I'm trying to protect ye." Jamie crossed his arms, "A task I take quite seriously."

"Yes, I know all about that, Mister Fraser," Eleanor grumped, "How long do you think this will take?"

"I canna say."

"You will be back before the baby, right?" Eleanor asked, fear gripping her. She needed Jamie. They had time, but still, Jamie had to be with her when her time got closer.

"I'd should say," Jamie said, his voice soothing, "but if not..."

"No!" Eleanor looked panicked, 'You have to promise me, Jamie. Promise. You'll be back before the baby is born."

Jamie reached for her hands, kissing them, sweetly. "Verra well. I give ye my word, lass. No matter what I will come back."

She let out a breath. "What is so important, Jamie?"

"It's for ye and the bairn that I do this. Ye must believe me."

Tears filled her eyes as she looked at Jamie's distressed face. "Of course, I believe you, love."

Jamie leaned down to kiss her and then scooped her up and brought her to bed. He made love to her, her heart breaking with the tender way he did. He did not want her to leave without any doubt that she knew full well how much he did treasure her. And that shattered her.

* * *

"John," Eleanor sought him out in the study after breakfast. Jamie had gone to see to the horses with Murtagh.

John looked up from where papers were scattered. He stacked them quickly.

"I suppose I cannot persuade you to tell me what is going on."

"Ah," Lord John frowned, focused intently on making neat stacks of the parchment. "no."

"Lord John," Eleanor's tone was soft and his attention turned to her, his eyes meeting hers. "Take care of him."

John swept to where Eleanor was standing. He reached for her hand, kissing it affectionately. "You have my word, Madam Fraser."

"You will bring him home to me," Eleanor swallowed hard. "No matter what."

He squeezed her hand, not dropping it yet. "I will bring him home to you, Eleanor. I promise you."

"Thank you," Eleanor's voice cracked, "for everything."

"It has been my joy and honor, my dear friend," John said, squeezing her hand one more time before releasing it.

* * *

Eleanor turned to Murtagh, "Sorry that you got stuck with me," she said, patting the horse.

"Ah, tis no burden, lassie. The city wreaks. I canna wait to get back to the highlands."

"You have made yourself pretty scarce these past few weeks," Eleanor commented, lightly, "Anything interesting going on?"

Jamie adjusted the blankets on the horse. "Dinna even try, lassie," he grunted.

"It's going to be a long trip back to Lallybroch, I see," Murtagh drawled, but he was amused.

Jamie reached for her arm, pulling her aside, while Murtagh and Fergus finished getting the horses ready.

"Jenny will be glad to see you."

"And I her," Eleanor said, "Even though I did write. Anything you'd like me to tell her for you?"

"To keep my wife out of trouble, maybe?" Jamie said.

Eleanor laughed, "Jenny would most likely help me."

Jamie snorted, "Aye, that is right. Take care, lass, though. Ye have been verra open in Edinburgh with Lord John, but back in Lallybroch, remember who ye are."

"I will," Eleanor nodded, seriously. "I doubt I can do much in a few months to get myself into trouble."

"Aye," Jamie wrapped his arm around her and pulled him into his embrace. "Ye and the babe, yer my world, mo ghraidh. I will return to ye."

"I trust your word," Eleanor said, before he silenced her with a passionate kiss. When he pulled away, Eleanor leaned in for another hug, squeezing him tightly, wanting to breath him in.

Finally she pulled away and then leaned to kiss his cheek, "Goodbye James Fraser," she put her hands on his cheek. "I will see you later...alligator."

He laughed. "What should I say to that?"

"After a while, crocodile. _Obviously._.."

Jamie laughed harder. "Thank ye for always making me laugh when I need it."

"_Se do bheatha."_

Jamie kissed her soundly in response, his hand moving to cradle her bump. His heart was filled with gratefulness for this woman that stormed into his life and with determination to keep their growing family safe.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N:** I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to review this story! I love that people are enjoying it as much as I am enjoying writing it! :)

**Chapter 13**:

"We'll leave for London in the morning, then?" John asked Jamie, over their chess game later that night.

"Aye," Jamie twirled his chess piece absently, before moving it across the board.

John looked at him incredulously, "Are you quite certain you want to do that?"

Jamie sighed, "That's checkmate." He looked to John, apologetically, "My mind is on other things tonight. I fear I am not a worthy opponent."

"It's no matter," John began to to rearrange the pieces, "Do you want another drink?" he asked. "It might help."

Jamie looked at his empty glass of brandy. He rose and then shuffled through the drinks, "Here, I thought this may come in handy. Whisky. Do ye want some?"

John nodded and Jamie came and poured him and John some into their tumblers.

"Eleanor couldna tolerate this, ye ken. Claire could hold her own with the best of men."

"They are very different then," John commented, raising his glass to him, "your wives."

"Aye," Jamie said, raised his, "but alike in many ways. _slainte_"

They both took a drink.

"How so?" John asked, curious.

Jamie let out his breath, "They are both canny and bòidheach- verra beautiful, but there is an innocence to Eleanor. Claire was an ideal solider's wife. Healing. Helping. She was stoic, controlled. She had already seen the worst in humanity. I took her everywhere with me. I would have taken her with me now and she would have been a great help to us."

"Do you not think that Eleanor would have been?" John said.

"Aye, but I feel the need to shield her from all of it. Eleanor..." Jamie paused, "it troubles her greatly to ken of what has happened. She feels it so deeply, the sympathy to..." he trailed off, his brow furrowed in concern.

John cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably in his chair, "to the scars on your back?"

"Aye...among other things..."

John tapped his finger, nervously on the table. "Does she know I added to them" he said, his voice low. "that time at Ardsmuir?"

"Aye, I remember it vividly," Jamie grunted. "No," he shook his head swiftly, "I dinna tell her that. She kens bits and pieces of things, but I did not tell her... fully... about my time at Ardsmuir. She kens that is where our friendship began though and that I was a prisoner and ye were the warden."

"I have to say I am glad for it, Jamie. I would hate for Eleanor to be disappointed in my character for I do admit, it was not my best moment." he paused and then added, "_by far._"

"Aye," Jamie gave a small smile, "ye did what ye felt like ye must and ye dinnae ken at the time what had happened before until ye saw them from yerself."

"If I had known, I do not think I would have...I could have..." John choked.

"I ken that, John," Jamie's voice was gentle, "And ye couldna back down at that moment. Eleanor dinnae ken what it means to be a soldiers opposing each other on a battlefield or a prisoner and a warden. It is more complicated than what she thinks she kens of how the world should be."

"I do not ever think there is justification for cruelty," John said, his voice low.

"Nah, but there is the matter of justice to consider," Jamie said. "Eleanor just puts a greater value on compassion and understanding or so she has told me often..."

He chuckled, "It is an admirable trait."

"Aye, tis so," Jamie nodded. "Eleanor's just verra...sweet."

"She has a kind, intuitive nature, don't you think?"

"Aye, that's it," Jamie nodded.

"She is also very amusing."

"Aye, she is," Jamie let out his breath, his brow creasing again. "Verra much so. She doesna budge easily, which was similar to Claire. She can be fearful at times though. Claire seemed fearless and so sure of herself no matter where she was or who she found herself with," He looked troubled.

"Eleanor draws into herself when she isn't sure of herself," John commented.

"Did ye notice that as well?" Jamie asked.

"Yes, on the night I took her to the play."

"It dinna look that way to me," Jamie said, dryly. "when ye came home."

"Ah yes," John said, "She was herself with me but we met a few new people and she became very quiet. And then when we were alone again, she was back to laughing and making the most witty comments on the play. Her laughter is enough to heal the most weary of souls."

"Aye, I found it so as well," Jamie nodded, the look of concern still etched on his face. John could tell that he was worried about Eleanor tonight.

"I am sure Eleanor is well," John said, his voice gentle. "Probably harassing Mister Fizgibbons to tell her more about what we are doing or your business arrangements."

"Aye," Jamie gave a small smile, chuckling at the thought, "Probably so. The lass can be awfully persuasive, but thankfully Murtagh is hard to move. She willna get very much out of him."

"Do you worry about her being by herself at Lallybroch?"

"Nah," Jamie took another sip, "My sister Jenny and her husband Ian will care fer the lass. And Murtagh will make sure she doesna get into too much mischief while I am gone. I dinnae worry about her safety, only about her... contentness."

John nodded, "I understand."

"Do ye worry about Lady Isobel?" Jamie asked.

"No, I suppose it is the same. She has the Dusaneys to care for her and Willie. She has always been content with that as well."

"Aye," Jamie said with a nod. "I suppose I dinna worry as much as I just miss her. Her laugh, especially..."

John swallowed another sip, "Are you in love with her, Jamie?" he asked, bluntly.

Jamie closed his eyes and gripped his tumbler tightly, "I dinnae ken."

"You do not know?" John's voice was low.

"That's right. I dinnae ken."

"How can you not know?" his voice revealed his disbelief.

"I have not settled it in my mind yet."

"You are aware that she thinks you will never love her the way you love Claire. Did you know that?" John's tone had turned pointed, a marked change from earlier.

"Did she tell ye that?" Jamie opened his eyes to look at him, a frown on his face.

"She did not have to tell me anything," John said."It is written plain for all to see."

"And what about Lady Isobel? Are ye in love with _her_?"

John took a large gulp of whisky. "I have loved Isobel for many years. As for the love between a man and a wife, I am learning to love her in that way. But I have...other factors."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said. They were silent for a few minutes, the only sound was Jamie's fingers tapping on the table in agitation. Finally, he grunted, "Did Eleanor really tell ye that? Outright?" She had told him similar, but it took so much coddling and coaxing for him to get her to admit it. For her to freely confide in John, it irked him.

"Does it bother you if she did?" John asked, his eyes on Jamie, his look intense.

"Just answer the damn question," Jamie grunted.

"Yes, on several occasions," John retorted, "even on the first day we met."

"My wife needs to learn discretion."

"Her open nature is refreshing," John countered, "Don't you agree?"

"When it isn't aboot ye, perhaps," he responded.

"In all fairness to her," John said, "she was beside herself in worry over that blasted school master and your reaction. I think that clouded her judgment. Not that the worry was unfounded."

"Or my reaction unjustified," Jamie said, grunting at the memory.

John ignored him, "And the last time she confessed that to me, we had grown close. Do you mind she confides in me?"

"I canna fault the lass," Jamie said, "I confide in ye as well."

"She did say that you and her had talked and she seemed more content," John looked at Jamie. "I'm sorry...I..." he paused, forcibly stopping himself. "It's none of my business."

"Just speak yer mind, John."

"Very well. I see the way you look at her, Jamie. You have been in darkness for so long and for the first time, I have seen the sun shine on you again...and it is because of _her._ And you and her have a friendship, a deep understanding. I can see it between you- the connection is strong. You _must_ love her. And if you do, it is foolish to keep it to yourself. She is carrying your child, for God's sake."

"It means something, when I do say," Jamie let out a long breath, "ye ken?"

"I know it does," John's tone softened, "believe me, I do." He struggled, "Perhaps, I am not the best to give marital advice."

Jamie paused, taking in his words, "I ken it was well meant," Jamie's tone softened, "And I find that ye give sound council not matter what the matter is on."

"Thank you for that."

Jamie nodded his acceptance. "We should retire if we are getting an early start," he said, standing up to stretch.

"Yes, you are right, we should," John stood, bowing slightly. "Goodnight, Mr. Fraser."

"Goodnight, Lord John."

Jamie headed towards the door, then stopped in his tracks, turning heavily. "I want to thank ye for yer kindness towards Eleanor..."

"Think nothing of it," John said, sincerely. "I want you happy Jamie. I want that desperately."

Jamie gave a small smile, "Leave at sun-up?"

"Yes, at dawn," John said with a nod. "Pleasant dreams."

"ye as well," Jamie said and left, the door clicking behind him.

John slumped over is chair and buried his face in his hand.

* * *

Eleanor did not say much to Murtagh on the day's ride. Fergus and Murtagh talked for a while before all of them falling silent. It had begun that steady drizzle, causing for an uncomfortable ride. Murtagh stopped, easily got done and then reached up to help her down from the horse. "We'll stop for the night."

Eleanor reached out to steady herself, gripping Murtagh's arm.

"Are ye unwell, lass?" Murtagh asked, his voice heavy with concern. He reached out to grab her waist, steadying her.

"No, I am well," She said, "Just a little saddle sore." She forced a smile. "I am going to over there and then wash up," she gestured and Murtagh nodded.

"Stay close though, lassie."

"of course," She said. She wandered over to attend to her needs and then went to the creek to wash up. As she splashed water in her face, her mind wandered to Jamie. Tears sprung to her eyes. Oh God, she missed him so. She felt lost without him, unsure of herself. Jamie had given her so much security that she felt vulnerable. She knew that he trusted her with Murtagh and Fergus and she was comfortable with both of them, but still...she needed him. And he wasn't here.

Murtagh came beside her to fill up the water jugs. "Fergus is starting a fire. Ye are chilled from the rain."

"A bit," she said, shivering slightly as she said it.

"I should have stopped sooner," Murtagh frowned.

"No, I really am fine, Murtagh," she said, softly. "I'm just out of sorts. I'm sorry I have been quiet. I didn't think you minded, you dislike prattling."

"Aye, I dinna deny it," Murtagh grinned, "but yer chatter I dinna seem to mind. It is when ye are silent, I worry about what ye are thinkin in that bonny heid of yers."

She shook dry her hands, "It's really not a secret. I miss your godson terribly. And I'm not very brave without him."

Murtagh handed her the water jug, "Drink."

She took it, uncorked it and took a drink. "What was so important that he had to leave me?"

"I canna say," Murtagh said, quietly. "And before ye say anything else, I willna say either."

She took another sip and then wiped her tears with the back of her hand.

"He wouldna have left ye if it wasna important," Murtagh said. "Ye must ken that well."

She nodded, "I do. He will be okay, won't he?"

"Aye, lass. Jamie kens how to take care."

Her shoulders slumped as she forced another breath. Murtagh put his arm around her, "Come, Ellie. Let's find ye a dry spot to rest. Ye are shattered, ye poor lassie."

"I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight," Eleanor admitted as he gently led her to where Fergus was with the fire.

"Dinna fash, lass," Murtagh grunted. "Ye are safe from all the wild animals."

She nodded and sat by the fire. Fergus unwrapped a package and handed it to Eleanor, "Mi lady."

"Thank you, Fergus." Eleanor took a bite of the bread. "Do you think it will drizzle all night?"

"Aye," Murtagh said, "But I can make certain ye stay dry."

She nodded. "I'm surprised you agreed to accompany me home." she took another bite, "Don't ye want to keep Jamie out of trouble?"

"I told ye before, Jamie can care for himself. It is more important to get ye and the bairn ye are carryin safely back to Lallybroch. I have no desire to go to London either...ever."

Eleanor titled her head and pursed her lips, "What is Jamie doing in London?"

He wagged his finger at her, "it does no harm for ye to know where they are going, but ye willna persuade me to tell ye for what purpose they are going."

Eleanor pursed her lips, "Thank you for telling me that tidbit of information though."

"Aye, yer welcome," Murtagh said.

Fergus handed Eleanor a blanket, "Are ye warm enough, mi lady? You are still shivering," he leaned down and wrapped the blanket around Eleanor's shoulders,.

"thank you, Fergus," Eleanor smiled up at him.

"I cannot wait to return home as well," Fergus said.

Eleanor let out a breath, "Home."

"Do you miss your own home, mi lady?" Fergus asked.

Eleanor tightened her grip on the blanket, bunching it in her fist, "Very much so, but not so much the actual building. Will and I and the little ones moved around so much in our ten years of marriage. But I supposed it taught me that home is where those you love are. We made a home wherever we went."

"Do you not feel like Lallybroch is your home?" Fergus asked, his brow furrowed in worry.

"Home is where Jamie is these days, Fergus. I long to see Jenny and Ian and the kids, but it won't be the same without Jamie."

Murtagh reached over and squeezed her knee. "That's a gut thing indeed, lassie. He will return to ye before ye ken it."

"Before the baby arrives, preferably."

"Jamie willna break his word to ye, lass," Murtagh said, evenly. "He promised ye."

"Then I shall remind myself to believe in the honor of his word," Ellie said, forcing smile.

Murtagh nodded and then easily turned the conversation away from Jamie, to try to ease the lassie's thoughts before bed. And once it was time for rest, he made her covering, ensuring that she was warm. Eleanor fell asleep almost immediately, exhausted from the day's travels, her pregnancy and the emotions that consumed her. She woke hours later, in the wee hours of the night, to a sound of howling. Her heart beat quickly in panic. It was those times in traveling that she would roll over into Jamie's solid side and he would in his sleep grunt, his arm moving to wrap around her protectively. "They willna harm ye. They are far from here."

But without Jamie, Ellie's heart panicked. She tried to settle the beating of her heart and even her breathing lest not to wake the others. "Oh God help me," She moaned. "I do not want to be eaten by a wolf tonight."

She heard a shuffling.

"They will not harm ye, lassie," Murtagh grumbled as he crawled around to poke a hand through her shelter. "Dinna fash. Ye will not be wolf food tonight. Go back to sleep."

It was then that Eleanor put the pieces together to realize that Murtagh had chosen to sleep at her feet, nearby and protective.

"Did Jamie tell you to sleep near me?"

"Nah," Murtagh chuckled, "We would all hear ye when ye woke on the road and Jamie soothing ye back towards sleep. I figured ye might need the same. Jamie may not be here, but ye do have friends besides the lad, mo buidheag."

"And for that I am grateful for. Thank you, Murtagh."

"Aye, lass. Now hush yerself so we can all get some sleep."

She chuckled and rolled over back to sleep.

* * *

Jenny reached out to pull Eleanor into a sisterly hug, "Ellie, it is so verra gut to see ye, sister." She looked around, "Where is that fool heided brother of mine?"

"London apparently," Eleanor said with a raised eyebrow.

"Ach," Jenny clucked, "Come, ye are weary from the road and I can tell there is much to tell."

"We are verra glad ye have come to us," Ian said, with a gentle smile.

Young Ian bounded in, "Auntie, it is verra gut to see ye! I have so much to tell."

"That is gonna have to wait, lad," Ian said, interjecting with a soft word of reprimand, "Auntie is shattered, ye ken."

"Where is Uncle Jamie, Auntie?"

Eleanor smiled at the young man, who hero worshipped his uncle, "Uncle Jamie is off for another adventure with his friend, Lord John."

"I dinna ken why Uncle Jamie is such gut friends with an Englishman," Ian said.

"From the mouths of babes," Murtagh said, wryly from the doorway.

Jenny chuckled her agreement, but then said louder, "Not all Englishmen are wicked, Young Ian, mo bhobain."

"Lord John is a kind man," Eleanor told her nephew, yawning, "He was very hospitable to me."

"Come along, Eleanor, let's have ye rest. It is not gut fer the wee un ye flitting all aboot the countryside."

Jenny led Eleanor up the stairs to her room where a hot bath was already being prepared. The chill of the road dissipated with a warm bath and hot food in her belly. It was later that sitting with Jenny with a cup of tea that they were able to catch up.

"The babe quickened while we were in Edinburgh," Ellie said, with a smile.

"Aye, and I can tell that ye are filling out more. Ye do look well, Ellie."

"I feel well," Eleanor shifted, "I'm worried about Jamie though."

"Did he not tell ye what ye was doin with Lord John?"

"No, he wrote to Ian though. Did he tell him?"

"Weel," Jenny said, "I canna say fer certain. But from the bits and pieces I managed to coax out of my husband, it is more about Jamie than Lord John."

Eleanor frowned deeply, "That was my impression as well. I'm worried that he does not trust me enough to say."

"I dinna think..." Jenny started and then stopped, adjusting her words, "From the way I see it, it has no to do with trust, but wanting ye not to worry."

"But I am worried anyway so it would have made more sense to just tell me. The possibilities that I am imagining are most likely far worse than the reality."

"Aye," Jenny blew on her tea, which was still steaming, "but ye have to bring Jamie to that understanding because ye is going to want to do everything in his power to protect ye and to keep ye content."

Eleanor took a sip of the tea, "But it was different with Claire. So it goes back to me thinking that he trusted her more than me and I will never get to where he will. She complemented him so well and I..." She paused, "Well, I am very different."

"Ach," Jenny shook her head, "I dinna think it has anythin to do with that. I think ye bring the sunshine to him again and he wants to keep the rain away for both of ye."

Eleanor smiled at Jenny's sweet words. "I miss him. I told him I love him."

"Did ye now?" Jenny smiled widely, "And what did he say?"

"That I am precious to him."

"And ye are," Jenny nodded. "Dinna fash, Ellie. He willna say until he is ready fer the sake of Claire's memory. Perhaps a bit of separation will do ye both some gut fer as much as ye miss him, I guarantee that it is ye that he is thinking of that much. And when he realizes that, then it is when he will be ready."

"He implied that it was only a matter of time."

"Then, sister," Jenny looked at her evenly, "It is perhaps not Jamie who needs to trust," she said, bluntly.

Eleanor closed her eyes and nodded. "You are so right, Jenny. I told him I did, and I meant it at the time, but in practice, it is a little harder."

"It always is," Jenny reached over and patted her hand, "Now tell me about Edinburgh."

She smiled and reached for a piece of bread. "it was quite enjoyable actually."

"This Lord John..." Jenny raised an eyebrow.

Eleanor chuckled, "I know the history between the Scots and the English and Jamie and John's complicated history, but he is a good man. If there is something that Jamie is in trouble with- I do trust Lord John."

"Then do you like him?" Jenny gave her a disbelieving look.

"Yes, very much so," Eleanor nodded, "And if he was Scottish, you would too."

Jenny snorted. "Fair enough, sister. Fair enough."

* * *

"Do you mean to tell me that somebody is taking this child's tale and trying to stage a rebellion with it?" Hal asked his brother, his voice holding his disbelief.

"Yes," John said, calmly, "moreover, it not only threatens the crown, but Fraser's family."

"What a blasted mess," Hal retorted. "How is Captain Fraser taking it?"

"With each day passing, he becomes more restless and eager to get it resolved. His wife is expecting. He knows this information in the wrong hands could prove problematic for the safety of his expanding family."

"What is Fraser's wife like?" Hal asked, curiously. "Is she Scottish?"

"No, she is from the colonies," John replied. "They met while she was traveling in Scotland. The poor dear lost her husband and children and Fraser married her."

"He always had a strong sense of honor," Hal said, seriously, "What is she like?"

"Eleanor is very..." he paused, "I don't quite know how to describe her. She is unlike any I've met. She's opinionated. Intelligent. Witty. She's so very amusing at times."

Hal chuckled, "A well match for Fraser then. A battle of wills often, eh?"

"Yes, indeed," John said, "but she is very emphatic, sensitive, kind..."

"You like her then," Hal said.

"Enormously. I count her as a friend," John said, "Which is why I want to continue to aid Jamie in this."

Hal frowned, "Can you really continue to part yourself from Isobel for that long?"

"If you approve me doing this," John said.

"You have my permission," Hal said, "Fraser has been a friend to this family. You should write to Isobel though. You have been gone too long."

"Of course, I shall," John said, calmly. "I will write her tonight."

Hal nodded. "Good."

* * *

Jamie awoke with a start. He sat up, his heart beating through his chest.

_God, may she be safe. Her and the bairn._

He said it out of instinct and yet...It was not about Claire.

Jamie closed his eyes tightly, trying to regulate his breathing.

Tonight, Eleanor had invaded his dreams, his desire for her was so strong. He missed her in the very depths of his soul.

_Forgive me, mo nighean donn. I did not mean fer this to happen._

For in that moment, he realized what John had said the last night in Edinburgh was true- he did love Eleanor. Deeply.

_God, may Sassanach be safe._ _Her and the bairn. May she be happy with Frank._

And for the first time, that thought did not make him want to rip his heart out.

_I will come back to ye, Eleanor, mo ghraidh. Dinna fash. God, may she be safe and content, her and our sweet bairn._

He just prayed it would be sooner rather than later. He had something very important to share with his wife.

* * *

A/N: A shorter chapter- they will not be a part for long. :)


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait. I'm trying to write as I can, but work and home life is very busy right now. Thank you for all the encouraging reviews! They mean so much!

**Chapter 14**:

"I understand congratulations are in order, Captain Fraser," Hal said, taking a gulp of his wine. "John has told me the happy news."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I thank ye, that is verra kind."

"It is quite the exciting news," John offered.

"Indeed," Minnie said, smiling, "Children are a blessing. John says that you enjoy the company of your nieces and nephews."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I do that. They are verra braw...pleasant, if not active."

"John can relate to that, I'm sure," Hal said, another gulp of wine. "We are hoping for his own good news soon."

Jamie glanced at John whose jaw had twitched before he could catch himself. Jamie could feel his tension as John sat next to him. The moment had become charged.

"I'm sure that would be welcome for all," Jamie said, quietly.

"Indeed," John said, his hand clenched under the table. "But I do not think you have to worry about the family name- you certainly have enough sons to carry it sufficiently."

"Yes, but you can never be too certain," Hal said, gruffly, "though it would require you staying at home for longer than a moment."

"John has a great sense of adventure, one that I am sure his wife appreciates," Minnie says, "am I am sure Captain Fraser's wife appreciates from him."

Jamie chuckled, "My wife is undoubtedly quite put out by my adventures at the moment." He said, trying to steer the topic away from John, taking Minnie's lead.

"Eleanor seemed to take it well enough though, Jamie," John said.

"Aye, I dinna deny it, but I find what Eleanor doesna say its almost as powerful as what she does."

Hal threw back his head and laughed appreciatively. "She sounds delightful, Fraser. How ever do you manage her?"

"Strategically," Jamie didn't miss a beat and Hal laughed harder.

John smiled, "I think it is refreshing that she forms her own opinions on things, but not in an off putting sort of way. It shows strength of her character."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I dinna deny that."

"And...how much trouble could she really get in while you are gone?" John asked.

"We shall see," Jamie looked at the corner of his eye, "I am learning never to underestimate my wife."

* * *

"Why are you not in school, Ian?" Eleanor asked as she saw the boy playing outside.

"Ach, auntie, ye dinnae ken," Ian looked solemn, "Mr. Hodges...he passed on."

Eleanor's eyebrows raised in shock, "I'm so sorry to hear that, Ian. So they couldn't find anybody to replace him?" She glanced at Murtagh who had come up beside her to overhear the conversation.

"No, ma'am."

Eleanor put a hand on the boy's shoulder, squeezing it. "Ian, do you like learning?"

"Aye, Auntie," Ian said, "especially when ye teach me."

"Then..." Eleanor look over at Murtagh, who had a twinkle in his eye, "How about I ask your Mama if I can take over your lessons just until they can find a suitable school master?"

Ian's smile was wide, "I'd like that, Auntie."

"Me too," Eleanor laughed, "I'm so excited!" She caught Murtagh's tilt of his head out of the corner of her eye. "He wouldn't care."

"Who?" Ian asked, looking between his aunt and Murtagh.

"Your Uncle Jamie," Murtagh drawled.

Eleanor waved her hand, dismissively, "It's just, Ian, Murtagh. I'm sure Jamie would understand. Plus, it's not like he can do much about it," she patted her belly, "There is this. And then the fact he is in London. By the time he gets back, I'm sure there will be a suitable replacement for Mr. Hodges."

"It's seems like ye have it figured out then, lassie," Murtagh said, wryly.

Eleanor laughed, "I think I do in fact." She put a hand on Ian's shoulder, "If your mama doesn't object, we'll start tomorrow!"

Ian smiled and then went off to play with his friends.

Murtagh poked at her, "Ye are getting yerself into mischief, Mistress Fraser. Dinna Jamie say to behave yerself?"

"Are you going to stop me, Murtagh?" Eleanor put her hand on her hip, "The boy deserves to continue his education."

"I'm surprised he wants to," Murtagh titled his head, "The lad never was so keen on learning."

"Ian always was keen on learning, he just had a hellish experience with that school master. He is so bright, Murtagh...just like his uncle."

"Aye, I am not denyin the boy favors his Uncle in the way his mind works," Murtagh said, "but Jamie wouldna want ye to draw attention upon yerself especially with ye carryin his bairn."

"It's just Ian, Murtagh," Ellie repeated "And I have worked with him before. It will be fine. Plus, what Jamie does not _ken_, will not hurt him. Do you catch my meaning?"

"Aye, I do that, lassie," Murtagh said. "I'm just wondering yer motivation, tis all."

"I do not have any ulterior motivates," Eleanor frowned, "How could you think that?"

"Ach," Murtagh shook his head, "We shall see, lassie."

* * *

Eleanor was not sure how it really happened, but her school lessons rapidly expanded as Ian and his friends gathered at the table at Lallybroch. She couldn't deny the children their lessons, but in the back of her mind, she worried how Jamie would react.

Eleanor was shuffling parchments, trying to plan her lesson for tomorrow, stretching her sore neck and absently rubbing her back, deep in concentration when Jenny came in.

"Ye look shattered, Ellie," Jenny said. "Are ye certain ye are not overexerting yerself?"

She let out a breath, "Perhaps, but it is good distraction from missing Jamie to have this to focus on."

"Makes the longing bearable?"

Eleanor paused where she was scratching on the parchment, "Barely."

"Weel," Jenny reached for some of the books, cleaning up the mess, "We canna run a schoolhouse out of Lallybroch."

Eleanor bit her lip, "I'm sorry if we have been rowdy and messy and a bother."

Jenny waved off her hand, "Tis no matter. It's just that the school house is sittin empty. Ye would have more room there."

"Oh God," Eleanor rubbed her temples, "It was one thing when it was just Ian and his friends here, but how can I justify it to Jamie if I am actually teaching out of the school house? He is going to have a conniption with me."

Jenny snorted, "Do ye really think that is goin to make a difference in Jamie's opinion? No, sister dear, he is goin to be put out of ye no matter what."

"So, I better just not worry about it?" Eleanor asked, but looked quite worried as she did.

"Aye," Jenny nodded."Mistress Kirby came to ask me about Rupert and if ye would object to him joining you."

"Oh good Lord," Eleanor buried her head in her hands, "Of course, I'd love to, but..."

"Jamie expressly forbid ye to teach him?" Jenny continued to clean up, "Ye ken Jamie never had a problem with Claire's healing. Perhaps, ye can remind him of that when he returns home from God only kens what."

Eleanor looked at Jenny, startled. Then she laughed, "That is an entirely good point, Jenny. Thank you for that."

Jenny eyes' twinkled. "Yer most welcome." She gave her sister in law a warm smile, "Now ye go upstairs and put yer feet up. Because if ye are wearing yerself thin, then no amount of argument will persuade Jamie to bend. It will be much better if ye can convince him ye are carin fer yerself while teaching the children."

"I need to finish these lessons and then clean up."

"I will clean up fer ye. Go rest and finish yer lessons later."

"if you are sure."

"Aye, I am," Jenny put her hand on Eleanor's arm. "We also need to talk about startin to prepare for the bairn."

Eleanor bit her lip, "To be honest, I am not sure how to. I mean I know what is needed, but I do not know how to make what is needed."

Jenny nodded her understanding, "I will help ye."

Eleanor sighed in relief, "Thank you, Jenny. That takes a weight off."

"Tis nothing. Thank ye for what ye are doin for Ian and the others. It is a joy to see him take to his lessons the way ye make him do."

Now it was Eleanor's turn to return her smile, "Thank you for allowing me to. And making Lallybroch my home even when Jamie isn't here."

Jenny rubbed Eleanor's arm, "Lallybroch will always be yer home, Eleanor."

Tears filled Eleanor's eyes at Jenny's acceptance of her. She nodded, unable to respond. She was truly moved by Jenny's sweet words. She counted herself blessed that she had found such a friend in Jenny.

* * *

Eleanor pushed opened the door of the school house.

"I dinna think this is a gut idea, Eleanor," Murtagh said, shaking his head.

"Jenny made it clear that she did."

"Weel Jenny is no yer husband," Murtagh said. "Ye are gambling, lassie, that Jamie's want of ye when he returns will outweight ye goin expressly against his wishes. Now if I were ye, I wouldna want to be on the side of Jamie's temper when he comes down on ye."

"I'm glad that you have such faith in my womanly charms, Murtagh," Eleanor said, dryly.

Murtagh gave her the side eye, "In normal circumstances, aye, but not when he specifically told ye not to interfere in the schoolin- only Ian with Jenny's permission."

"Well," Eleanor rubbed her back, "if you must know, Jamie never said I should not take over the school house in the case that Mr. Hodges would pass away. So _technically_, I am not disobey the great one. "

Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "I canna tell if ye are being feisty or reckless."

"Perhaps a bit of both. While he is off having adventures with Lord John, I am stuck here, just growing his child. And I have not heard a word from him."

"News is slow in this century," Murtagh drawled.

"You have no idea," Eleanor grumbled."It is is darn well good that it is or I'd be writing Jamie quite the email right about now."

"There it tis," Murtagh pointed a finger in her direction.

"What?" Eleanor put her hand against her stomach, where the baby was kicking furiously.

"Ye are angry at Jamie for leavin ye and are takin to defying him."

"I'm not trying to stick it to Jamie, Murtagh," Eleanor protested, "I really do care about the children."

"Aye, I am not denying it, but this is just an added bonus, doin somethin ye ken that Jamie wouldna approve of, is it no?"

Eleanor paused, "Can ye blame me?"

"Ach, it's not my backside," Murtagh said, "but I would take care, lassie."

"It will be fine," Eleanor said, "Jamie has pretty much said that nonsense is over with."

Murtagh looked skeptical, "Maybe so lassie, but he can find otherwise to subdue yer rebellion."

"I am not rebelling against him, simply using the brain God has entrusted me with. I will be fine, you do not have to stay with me."

"If ye say," Murtagh crossed his arms, "But I am not leavin ye to yer devices here. Jamie put me in charge of making sure ye stayed out of trouble and I am sure this would qualify in his mind as trouble."

"Well then," Eleanor swiped her hands together, "Fine by me. Stay."

"And if any one of lads give ye any problems..."

"I will handle it myself," Eleanor stared him down.

Murtagh gestured to her belly, "Ye are to take care."

"I will take care."

"Verra weel, lassie," Murtagh let out a long breath, "Just dinnae say that ye were not sufficiently warned."

"Warning noted and appreciated," Eleanor smiled at him, "Not it is time to get to work."

Murtagh eyes wandered again to her ever growing belly. "Ye tell me what ye need and I will help ye."

"Thank you," Eleanor nodded. "You are a good friend."

"We'll see what ye will be saying when Jamie returns," Murtagh muttered, but began to move the furniture around for her.

* * *

"You seemed so unsettled, Jamie," John said, quietly. "We have made considerable progress."

"Aye, I dinnae deny it. It's not that," Jamie handed Murtagh's letter to John.

John skimmed it and then began to laugh. "Oh, dear God in heaven."

"I dinnae think it is a laughing matter."

John tried to sober, rather unsuccessfully. He found Eleanor's antics endlessly diverting. "But...it's just so...typical. Is it not?"

"Aye," Jamie grumped, "I am put out by her so cavalierly disobeying orders, but it is beyond that. If she is exhausting herself, then it is she and our bairn, that is at risk."

"Hum," John folded up the letter, "Do you not think that Eleanor is capable of regulating her activities? She has borne children before, Jamie. She will take care. She knows the risk."

"Aye, but..." Jamie frowned.

"Did Claire not perform her duties as a healer?"

"Aye, but," Jamie's frown deepened.

"Did you not trust her to take care? Surely that was even more of a risk than what Ellie is doing now. Especially if Murtagh has said that it is widely appreciated her efforts."

"Aye, but..."

John raised an eyebrow. "Do you not think her intentions are beyond just getting under your skin? Eleanor genuinely cares about things."

"I dinnae deny it, but..." Jamie frowned, "Just let me feel annoyed, man."

John held up his hands, "Very well. Eleanor was quite wrong and when you get home, I trust that you will address it with her," he appeased.

"Ye can count on it," Jamie took the letter back, "the wee besom."

John couldn't help the laugh that escaped again.

"Ye are lucky," Jamie said as he tucked the letter into his pocket, "Isobel is exceedingly compliant."

John's mood suddenly shifted. "Yes, she is." He paused again, "And yet I feel that perhaps I am not well suited for marriage at all."

"ye dinnae wish her to have such antics, do ye?"

"It would keep things lively, would it not? The banter...the mutual give and take..." he folded his hands, in contemplation, "If I had that, then it could distract..." he paused, "from other considerations."

"Aye, but Lady Isobel is such a kind soul," Jamie said. "And Willie is sure to keep things lively."

"Yes, of course, he does that," John gave a small smile, "He is much your son as ever, Jamie." He paused and then looked at Jamie, "I know you had your reservations to begin with..."

"I shouldna have said so," Jamie said, quickly.

"No, you were right to say so," John retorted. "I am trying with Isobel."

"I wouldna have thought otherwise, John," Jamie's voice was even. "Dinnae mistake me fer yer brother."

"Ah, I was wondering when you would bring that unpleasantness up," John retorted, "An heir. The fault does not lie entirely with me."

"I do find being present is a necessary component to producing an heir," Jamie said, wryly.

"But even so..." John looked troubled.

"Ah," Jamie shifted, "if Lady Isobel used her sister's fate as a guide, then it may fear her."

John glanced at Jamie, "That is quite insightful. I had not thought..."

"Eleanor fears it as well, John," Jamie said, quietly.

John looked at him unbelievably, "Surely not."

"Not our marriage bed," Jamie clarified, "but bearing the bairn and dying from it."

"I see," John said. "It is a trying experience, childbearing."

Jamie looked over at him, with a raised eyebrow.

"My cousin, Olivia," John shrugged, "there was an incident at my mother's wedding. She didn't want to interrupt the wedding and I was there and then the baby came," he paused, "well, it certaintly did not look pleasant for all involved, but perhaps one will feel different when it is their own."

Jamie snorted, "Eleanor has assured me otherwise."

"Have you been privy to..." John paused. "Forgive me, perhaps we should change the subject."

"Dinna have to on my account," Jamie said, laughing, "unless ye count horses, no. However, if I ken my wife as I do, I will not think she will let me leave her side."

"That is highly irregular," John said, then paused, considering it, "but all in all, having bore witness with my cousin, I cannot say I blame Ellie for wanting you. It must be frightening." He nodded, "Perhaps, you are right. Perhaps, Isobel does fear it especially with Generva."

"Then," Jamie turned serious, "If ye want an heir so badly, ye will have to convince her...strategically, that she dinnae have to fear."

"But she does," John frowned, "Childbearing is something to fear."

"Aye," Jamie said, "so ye will have to convince her that the outcome is worth the risk."

"Is that what you did for Eleanor?" John asked.

Jamie chuckled, "Weel, no. That wasna a consideration at the time. The bairn took us all by surprise but perhaps that was foolish."

"And what if..." John paused.

Jamie looked troubled, "I canna think of it, John. That is one of the reasons it is so hard to be apart from her. I wish to protect her from all of it...the pain, the risk."

"Is it worth that risk, Jamie? Truly?" he pressed.

Jamie let out a breath, "If this was our only bairn, I wouldna object. But I canna say that I am not grateful to be a father to the bairn."

"Like you could not be to Willie."

"Aye."

"I see," John nodded, with confidence, "Then we must work to return you home to Eleanor as soon as possible."

"Aye," Jamie said, resolutely, "As soon as possible."

* * *

Eleanor looked out the window, the moon still full. The baby was actively jostling her womb, causing sleep to allude her. And the stillness of night, it got her every time. During the day, she was so busy, her mind was on other things. But at night, she was left with her loneliness, her fears...for her children and husband in another century...and for her child and husband in this one. It was a burden that threatened to undo her, the anxiety over what she could not control...over the unknown.

Her labor had been smooth with Harry and Charlotte, but she also had the luxury of a hospital and doctors to aid her if anything went awry. If the little ones got sick, it was a different matter.

Her heart twisted. _What if something went wrong?_

Tears fell under the weight of her anxiety as she closed her eyes in a silent prayer.

It was nights like this that she missed the presence of her highlander husband even more. Jamie exuded strength- he was a warrior. But he was also gentle and tender, compassionate and understanding. She needed his mix of strength and compassion tonight. For her soul was weary and burdened.

Her hand moved to her stomach where the child jostled it again. And in spite of that, there was the hope again.

"Lord, keep them safe...all of them...wherever they may be."

* * *

"Are ye quite certain?" Jamie asked as he adjusted the saddle on his horse.

"Of course, I am certain," John gave a small smile, "You must return to Eleanor. It is getting too near the end of her confinement."

"Aye," Jamie looked solemn, "but I am afraid we have exhausted all outcomes. You should return to Isobel as well."

"Yes, of course, I will, very soon," John nodded. "Just the one more avenue."

"I canna thank ye enough, John, but," Jamie paused, coughing slightly, "Willie needs his Papa as well."

John stilled and then met his eyes, knowing the cost of his words.

"Very well, I will return to Isobel," John's said, his voice low. "And I will try harder to forge an understanding betwix her and I."

Jamie nodded. "Verra gut. It is the right thing to do."

"Of course," John agreed, "And you will write as soon as Eleanor is safely through her confinement. I wish to know."

"Aye of course," Jamie nodded, "You will be the first one I write. And I will give Eleanor your note and package."

"Thank you," John's forehead creased in worry.

"I'm the one about to become a father again," Jamie gave him the side eye, adjusting the saddle again.

"Of course," John laughed, "But Ellie is dear, Jamie."

"Ye dinna have to tell me. I ken that weel," Jamie said.

"Do you?" John said, lightly.

"I do."

"Then go and tell your wife, for God's sake," John patted the horse.

"Aye," Jamie extended his hand. "Until next time."

John shook his hand and Jamie pulled him in for a quick affectionate hug.

"Do not give her too much of a hard time about the learning," John said, his hand on Jamie's arm. "You do not want to upset her into having the baby too early."

Jamie chuckled, "I see how this will work from now on," he swung himself onto the horse. "She has a good friend in you. And I as well. Take care, John."

"You as well, Jamie."

Jamie nodded his goodbye and left John standing, looking after him.

John closed his eyes tightly, fighting his emotions, before turning around to go back into the house.

* * *

Eleanor laughed at the antics of the children as she turned to begin to mark on the board. She was so caught up in teaching, oblivious.

He wanted to watch her from the doorway, slightly hiding himself in the crook of the doorway. Murtagh had stood and went outside to stand with him. He greeted him with an affectionate hug.

"Did ye finish yer business, lad?"

"As much as possible," Jamie said, his voice low. "How is it going here?"

Murtagh gestured, "See fer yerself."

Eleanor was in her element as she animately taught her math lesson, complete with the manipulatives she had coerced Murtagh into making for her... base ten blocks, hundreds squares, one cubes. Her hand moved absently to her belly as she answered questions.

Jamie leaned over to Murtagh, "was that ye?"

"Aye," Murtagh nodded, "The lass was insistent that this would help them with their figures and it does."

Jamie let out his breath, "She is close to the end of her pregnancy."

"Aye," Murtagh agreed, "But there is no stopping her Jamie, short of tying the lass up. And seeing that she is yer wife and not mine, I dinna feel like it was my place. She is a grown women. The best I could do was watch her every day...and write you."

"Ye were right not to try to stop her," Jamie nodded.

He stood hidden in the doorway and watch her until she dismissed the class. Ian had come out and gave him a hug, but still Eleanor was oblivious, cleaning up.

She moved awkwardly, as women often did at the end of their pregnancy. She accidentally dropped the blocks she had been using.

"Oh crap," she grunted as she tried to balance herself with a hand on the desk to crouch down. She sat on her knees, knowing bending down was not an option at this point. She just hoped she would be able to get back up again.

She barely registered a hand that had began to clean it up with her. "Than..." she looked up. "Oh my God!" her eyes widened in shock. "Jamie!"

She dropped everything in her hand again, it scattering across the floor. "oh damn it." She moved her hand to her mouth. She could feel her face flush. "I," she reached for the desk, to try to rise, but then gave up with that option, knowing she would not be able to do so gracefully.

"What are ye tryin to do, lass?" Jamie asked, his voice even.

"Get up to greet you. But..." she swallowed hard, "if you thought I was not so graceful before, I can only assure you that this pregnancy has enhanced that vice of mine," She bit her lip. "How long have you been here?"

"Weel," Jamie went to sit beside her on the floor, "I saw yer lesson with the blocks and such."

"Are you horribly angry with me at this moment?"

"We can discuss that later, Mistress Fraser." He reached to pull her into his arms, his mouth claiming hers.

She pulled back to look into his eyes, breathless.

"Are ye angry with me, mo ghraidh?"

"I don't know," Eleanor admitted, honestly. She reached out to put her hand on his face, her eyes still staring deeply into his, "All I know, Jamie, is that I want to lose myself in you...so I can know that it isn't a dream."

"Then let's go home, my wife," Jamie said, a smile on his face.

"Well," Eleanor gave him a sheepish look, "That may be easier said than done..."

He laughed heartedly and then rose and picked her easily up to put her on her feet, steadying her. His hand went to rest on her belly. Eleanor covered his hands with her own.

"I need to tidy up before I go. I should have said that before I hinted for you to help me up."

"How will you do that?" Jamie asked.

"Well, it would have been a combination of scooting on my knees and then hoping that I could grasp the desk tight enough to pull myself up. It hurts to bend...and then I think if I do bend, I'll topple forward, you know balance is so hard at this point."

Jamie titled his head, "As much as I would love to see ye attempt such an endeavor, why don't wash the board and I will clean up the blocks?"

She looked at him, wearily. "How mad exactly are you with this whole thing?"

Jamie shrugged. "How mad are you exactly with me leaving you alone fer months?"

She shrugged.

"Then let's clean up here, go home...and we'll talk it out," Jamie suggested as he began to clean up.

Ellie reached for the wash cloth, "After we have sex, right?" she asked, keeping her voice casual.

Jamie threw the blocks on her desk before swinging her back around, pinning her arms on her sides, her back, squished against the board. "What do ye think, mo ghraidh?" his breath was hot on her neck.

"I was just simply wanting to know what to expect," Eleanor said, innocently.

"Ye should remember what yer teasing does to me, lassie," Jamie's kiss left her with no doubt of his want for her and she returned it with equal fervor.

Jamie pulled himself away, "We need to go home now, Eleanor. Ye are too far along for us to find someplace hidden and I must have ye, lass."

"Gladly," Eleanor said, "But we need to sneak into the house, otherwise, Jenny and Ian and the kids will bombard us...and..." she flushed, "I really do not want to wait. Oh God...stop looking at me like that, James Fraser, or I swear to God, we'll never get home."

"Dinna fash, mo ghraidh. I sent Murtagh on to Lallybroch. He's going to keep the way clear for us."

"Brilliant move, Fraser."

He chuckled and grabbed her wrap for her, handing it to her. "What do ye need?"

"The books and my bag."

He piled everything together and put them into her bag, carrying it for her as she adjusted the wrap around her.

Jamie's arm went protectively around her side as he affectionately kissed her head. "Let's go home, Eleanor."

"Yes, let's go home..." Eleanor leaned her head against his shoulder when they reached the horse. "For months, I would say it...and not really mean it. But today... I can say it and mean it."

"Why is that?" Jamie turned her towards him, so he could look at her.

"Because my home is wherever you are, James Fraser."

He wiped her tears, "Then let's go home, my sweet wife."

And they were both so filled with gratitude and hope...as they rode home, together.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: **thank you so much for all who continue to read and review. I know AU is not for everyone, but I am so happy that there are some people reading and enjoying. It encourages me to keep on writing...

**Chapter 15**:

They reached their room, sneaking through Lallybroch (as much as Eleanor could), Jamie leading the way. The floorboard creaked and Jamie turned his head and gave her a look.

"I'm almost 9 months pregnant," Eleanor whispered. "There is going to be creaking."

"Shh," Jamie put his finger to his lip and looked around the corner of their hallway. "Come, it's clear."

He grabbed her and practically pulled her into their room, closing it and locking it. He leaned against the door, a look of triumph on his face.

Eleanor giggled. The lightness of their relationship which Eleanor always loved was full fledged in Jamie's return. The truth was she just loved being with him.

"Ye wouldna have found it funny if we had been caught," Jamie chided, but grinned back at her. "Welcome home, Mistress Fraser."

"Welcome home, Mister Fraser," Eleanor couldn't help the wide smile that consumed her. Her hand absently moved to her belly.

"Now then," Jamie straightened and came closer to her, surveying her. "I want to look at ye."

"I know I am huge." Eleanor rubbed her belly.

"Aye, ye, are, lassie," Jamie said, putting his hand on her belly, the baby rewarding him with a jolt. "Ah, the bairn is strong, is he no?"

"Very much so," Eleanor said, "strong enough that I cannot sleep at night. Very troublesome already."

"I dinnae much plan on letting ye sleep tonight anyway," Jamie said, honestly.

"Is that so?" Eleanor raised her eyebrows.

"Aye," Jamie continued to study her, closely. Eleanor could tell that he was working something out in his head, but she couldn't imagine what.

Eleanor reached to take his hands off her belly and hold them in hers, linking her fingers in his. "You are staring at me in the most peculiar way. What are you thinking about?"

"Weel, if ye must ken, I want ye something awful, mo ghraidh. But I am working out the best way to have ye if ye gather my meaning."

"Oh my God," Eleanor's laughter filled up the room. "I do not know whether to be offended or just happy you still want me."

"Oh God do I want ye, mo ghraidh. I cannot be more pleased to see ye so blossomed."

She laughed more at his word choice. "I missed you, James Fraser." She stood on her tippy toes to kiss him and then leaned to whisper in his ear, "I got this, love."

"Do ye now?" his voice was low.

"Yes, I can even give you options if you'd like."

"Can ye?"

Eleanor laughed again and then whispered again in his ear.

"I see the options now," His throat bobbed. "I want to see ye now, Eleanor."

He turned her around and helped her slowly undress, tossing her undergarments on the chair. "Turn around."

She turned around her stomach bopping into him. "I'm sorry."

He winked at her. His hands moved down her body to rest on her stomach. His eyes fell on the stretch marks that covered her expanded belly. Eleanor flushed and stepped away, but Jamie held her fast,

"Ach, dinnae draw away from me," he chided. "They took me by surprise."

"It is common. I've gained quite a bit from the baby. I think he or she might be on the big side..."

"Aye, maybe so," Jamie traced his finger on one of the marks, "Do they hurt...the marks?"

"No, they just look ugly," There was still a catch in her voice and her posture was much stiffer then before.

Jamie reached to tilt up her head to look at him.

"You are beautiful, mo ghraidh. Dinnae ever think that I for a moment would ever think otherwise," his eyes searched hers. "Do ye with the scars on my back?"

"Of course not."

"There ye go," Jamie's tone was gentle, soothing her vanity.

"It's afterwards when the baby weight does not go away quickly."

"I wouldna fash lass. It will not be lack of want of ye that keeps me from ye."

"It will be the bairn crying nonstop?" Eleanor offered, relaxing with his sweet words and kind tone.

"Aye," Jamie poked at her, "so, we'd better..."

"Get some while we can?" Eleanor looked mischievous.

"Is that what ye really say?" Jamie asked, amused. "Get some?"

"I could say f..." Eleanor started but Jamie covered her mouth with his, silencing her.

* * *

"We should go downstairs and make your presence known," Eleanor said, afterwards.

"In a few minutes, but first..." Jamie kissed her head, "I want to acquaint myself with our bairn."

He put his head on her belly and began to converse with his child in such a sweet, beautiful way. He had a good 10 minute conversation in English for her benefit. Eleanor's heart melting as he did. She did not think she could love him more in that moment.

"Jamie," Eleanor's voice cracked.

Jamie's head rose. "What is it? Why are ye cryin?"

Her tears fell. "I'm just so grateful you are home."

He kissed her tears, "I am too."

"So, this whole school house thing..." she wiped her face with the back of her hand, "does that mean I am off the hook?"

"Off the hook?" Jamie asked, curiously. "What do ye mean?"

"Not in trouble."

He gently swatted her bum, "Oh, no, ye and I still have to talk about it."

Eleanor groaned, "But I really do not want to."

He poked her nose, "Then ye should have thought of that before ye goin to do some half cocked plan."

"I did thought of it," Eleanor said, "And I chose to believe that you would be able to see reason."

"We will discuss this _later_," Jamie kissed her cheek, then turned over and got out of bed. He reached for his pants. "Ye are right, we should go downstairs. It must almost be supper time."

Eleanor pulled the covers over her head.

Jamie looked over at her and chuckled, "What are ye doin, woman?"

"Everyone will know we had sex and me being this huge and about to have this baby...God, how embarrassing!"

Jamie laughed more, "Aye. I suspect they will."

"I thought we were being so sneaky, but it was rather obvious, was it not?"

Jamie buttoned his shirt and then went to sit on the bed, pulling her covers off her, "Come out from there, me wee besom."

"I have an idea."

Jamie smirked, "Do ye now?"

"You can sneak back out and ride up. . We'll have a sweepingly romantic moment..I'll run..."

He snorted and she amended,

"I mean waddle into your arms. Nobody will never know! Okay," she clapped her hands, "let's do this Fraser!" She managed to shuffle around Jamie to gather her undergarments "What are you waiting for?" she demanded.

"Oh, are ye serious?" Jamie asked, considering her.

She glared at him as she put her dress over her head.

"Ye are serious," Jamie came and went to reach for her buttons. He turned her around and reached up, his large hand smoothing the side of her hair. "Ye just gave me so much joy, Eleanor. I have longed for ye every night since we have parted..."

"Just in the nights?"

"No, not only the nights, mo ghraidh," he kissed her softly, "every day, I longed fer yer laughter and sweet nature that soothes my soul and draws it to yers," He kissed her again, "Ye are my wife. And I couldna be more pleased that ye are about to deliver my bairn. Tis no shame that I am attracted to ye still. Ian and Jenny willna think anything of it, I promise...after all the bairns they had."

"Very well, I suppose you are right," she acquiesced. "I am sensitive with the bairn."

"Just with the bairn?" Jamie asked.

"Okay, so I may not be able to blame in on the bairn..." she kissed his cheek. "Let's go eat supper. You must be hungry from your travels."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "among other pursuits," he put his arm around her waist as he guided her down the stairs, to greet his family.

* * *

Eleanor and Jamie spent a good portion of the evening by the fire, Jamie catching up with Fergus, Murtagh, Jenny, Ian and their brood. The evening was filled with joy and laughter, like no time had passed. Eleanor was attempting knitting a blanket for the baby, Jenny assisting her with making clothes. At points, Ellie would get stuck- her piece would unravel or her line would go crooked. Jamie, out of the corner of his eye, would see and causally take it for her, fix her mistake and get her back on the course again.

"Is there nothing you cannot do?" Eleanor asked, a bit exasperated. He chuckled and winked at her.

"Aye, much. Dinna fash, it will still keep our babe warm."

Eleanor grunted and exchanged a look with her sister in law, who was quite amused at the interplay between the two of them.

When finally it was time to retire, long after the children went to sleep, they said their goodnights and headed up the stairs.

"It is good to be with Jenny and Ian again," Jamie said.

Eleanor smiled, "I love seeing you with your sister. I was never close with my siblings. it's a gift to be able to have that sweet relationship."

"I dinna even ken that ye had siblings." Jamie said as they entered the room.

"Yes, three brothers and a sister," Ellie said, "quite a few."

"And ye were close with none of them. How is that possible?"

Eleanor shrugged, "I was different from them."

Jamie reached for the package that was sitting on the table. "Here, I almost forgot. This is from Lord John."

"Wonderful!" Eleanor unwrapped the package, "How is Lord John doing? I meant to ask, but you distracted me."

"John is well," Jamie said, "Hopefully on his way home to Lady Isobel as we speak. I think he wrote you a note."

Eleanor reached for the sealed parchment that was inserted in the book. She slid her finger under the seal and unfolded it, reading it by the candlelight.

She giggled and Jamie raised an eyebrow. She handed him the letter and he read it and chuckled as well.

"I trust it will not be too scandalous for your husband's sentiments," she laughed. "It's a new novel...and...oh dear."

Jamie looked over at the illustrated children's book. "He should not encourage ye."

"It's for the children though..." Eleanor said, "even ours maybe..."

"Aye," Jamie grunted. "Still, he was verra defensive of ye, lassie."

"He's such a good friend," Eleanor said, "And he got you back to me in one piece so for that I will always be gr...indebted. There," Eleanor looked triumphant, "that sounded quite well."

"Aye," Jamie acknowledged.

"Can I write him back?"

"If you'd like, I can include a note from ye in our next correspondence," Jamie said.

"Would it not be too improper?" Eleanor asked.

"All things considering, I dinnae think so," he replied. "John has asked me to write when ye are safely delivered of our child."

Eleanor let our her breath, "That is really sweet of him to be concerned."

"Ye have an ally in Lord John."

"That is a good thing, I would think."

"Aye, mo ghraidh. I tend to be of the same mind with ye on that matter," Jamie admitted. "But, we will talk more in the morn."

"Are you tired?" Eleanor came up to him and rubbed his back, gently.

"Aye, I am. I ken I said I would keep ye up, but I dinna think I have the energy for such matters."

Eleanor laughed, "Come to bed, James. You look so weary. You can wake me in the morning or in the wee hours of the night when you get your second wind as you are apt to do..." she paused, "I said apt in a sentence and it sounded right," she was almost gleeful with pride.

Jamie kissed her soundly. "Ye are somethin else, Mistress Fraser. Be ye are right. I am shattered."

"Then to bed with ye," Eleanor said, swatting him playfully. Jamie practically fell into bed, exhausted and Eleanor leaned over to give him a kiss on the forehead, pulling up the covers for him, before sliding into bed herself. She supported herself with her arm, watching the rise and fall of Jamie's chest. The babe had the hiccups and her stomach was shaking. She put a hand on her belly as she watched Jamie, who had started to slightly snore. She couldn't fathom how in a few short months her life had so drastically changed. It was inconceivable...and yet, here she was.

"Lord, protect this baby," she whispered. "And keep my other sweet babies safe...where ever they are."

* * *

"What is it?" Jamie asked as Eleanor frantically tried to contort herself so she could to rub her leg.

"Leg cramp. I'm getting them awful this past month. I'm sorry I woke you," she grunted.

"Which leg?" Jamie asked, flipping over. "Here?"

"Yes," Eleanor said, groaning as Jamie began to massage her leg, working out the cramp, while talking to her in Gaelic.

She finally let out a breath of relief, "Thank you."

He leaned over to kiss her on the forehead. "Go back to sleep, lassie, the sun is not up yet."

She turned towards him, "The baby is not asleep."

"No?" Jamie asked. "Is he keeping ye up, lassie?"

"Wasn't, but now that I am awake, he is," Eleanor explained.

"Oh, I see," Jamie reached over to touch her face. "I confess I am awake as well."

"Did your business not end well?" Eleanor asked, her forehead wrinkling in concern. "I assumed because you came home..." she bit her lip. "Is everything alright, Jamie?"

"It ended as well as one could have hoped," Jamie said, "but I fear that it will come back to haunt us."

"To haunt us?" Eleanor reached for his hand, squeezing it, "What do you mean?"

Jamie squeezed her hand back, "Tis nothing. I am certain that I am just worryin unnecessarily. John and I did settle the matters...almost in its entirety."

"Almost isn't quite completely," Eleanor pointed out.

"Aye," Jamie said, simply. "Tis not."

"Will you not tell me what the matter was?"

"It would not help matters to do so," Jamie said. "I do not want ye to fash, especially when ye are bearing the burden of our child."

"It is not a burden, love, to carry your child," Eleanor said. "I will not press you though."

"I thank ye," Jamie said. "fer trusting my judgement on the matter."

"Of course," Eleanor said. "I am not fragile though."

"I ken," Jamie squeezed her hand again, "But still, I long to protect ye for as long as I can...from whatever bad in this world, in my time."

"There was plenty of bad in my time as well," Eleanor shifted, her back aching.

"Turn on yer other side and I will rub yer back for ye," Jamie said. "It is aching, is it no?"

"Yes. I cannot get comfortable."

"And ye say that it is no a burden to carry my babe?"

Eleanor reached out to rub his cheek, "It is one that I carry willingly for the honor of being able to give you a child for you to love and claim as your own."

He smiled in the dark, "Turn on yer side now, mo ghraidh, so I can help ease yer load."

"Very well, but do be gentle."

"Aye," Jamie said, with a lopsided grin. "I can be verra gentle if I set my mind to it."

She laughed. "I know you can." She shifted on her other side and Jamie began to rub the ache out of her back.

"That does feel good," she murmured after a while.

"Aye, the horses like it to."

"Good Lord," Ellie groaned, "I do feel and look like a horse these days. Is that what you are saying?"

"I dinna mean..." Jamie said, turning her back towards her.

"Oh, more like an elephant?" Eleanor's voice turned stern.

"Of course not..."

There was silence until Eleanor could not help but giggle.

"Oh ye wee besom," Jamie growled.

"I got you, didn't I?"

"Aye, ye did," Jamie said, pulling her against him, his mouth on hers, his kiss rough. "I will teach ye not to..." he paused, "poke the bear."

She laughed more, but Jamie soon silenced her again, his kisses persistent and unyielding. And soon, her laughter faded as she met his passion with her own fervor.

* * *

"I need to speak with ye," Jamie said as Eleanor was getting dressed for the day.

"What about?" Eleanor asked, twisting her up into a bun, sticking the pins to try to fasten it in place.

"Ye are getting better at that," Jamie said.

"Thank you," Eleanor reached for another pin, "It helps that my hair is growing longer."

"Aye, it's bonny, lass," Jamie said.

Eleanor turned to him, "Why do I feel like you are trying to butter me up?"

Jamie's brow raised, "What?"

"Um..." Eleanor thought for a minute, "flatter me for the purpose of tempering my reaction...or something like that..."

"Aye, well," Jamie patted the seat of the bed. "Maybe so. Let's sit together."

He sat down and Eleanor frowned at him, but he patted the seat again, insistently. "We are going to talk now, lass," Jamie said. His tone was not unkind, but it was also clear he was not offering her the choice.

Eleanor went to sit next to him. "You do know you are progressive and sweet until you get all 18th century man on me."

"Weel, I _am_ the heid of this family."

Eleanor put her hand on her stomach, "I do not object to that as long as the heid listens to his other body parts...especially the hands and the heart."

"Point taken, lassie fer ye are both the hands and the heart of our family," Jamie acknowledged. "So explain yerself, mo ghraidh and I will listen."

Eleanor let out a long breath, "It wasn't to usurp your authority, but it was because I saw a need for Ian to continue his schooling in lieu of a school master. Jenny did not object to me teaching him at home so I did. But then he invited friends and they invited friends and soon it was too much so Jenny sent us to the schoolhouse. I did not want to because I thought I was on firmer ground here with being able to justify it to you, but she reminded that you never had a problem with Claire doctoring and oh, Murtagh said she did so when she was expecting in Paris...so I thought that surely if Claire did it, I could too."

Jamie looked at her aghast, "Is that really how ye want to approach this?"

"Why not?" Eleanor got up, but Jamie pulled her gently but firmly back onto the bed.

"Because I have made it clear that ye constantly comparing yerself to Claire is unproductive and harmful to our marriage."

"Unless it helps me, then I think it is quite productive and helpful to us having a healthy marriage."

"Is that how that works?" Jamie asked, his eyes heavy on her, searching her.

"Yes."

"Noted," Jamie said. "Claire ended up losing our bairn in Paris, or did ye forget that?"

"But that had nothing to do with working..."

"I dinna ken what it had to do with," Jamie retorted, heatedly, "it could have been the stress of my behavior or the fact that she was overworking herself. I dinna ken and she dinna ken either. It was no ones fault, but it wasna a situation I wanted to have repeated. Murtagh wrote to me and I was able to secure a school master fer the lads. He starts today."

Eleanor rose swiftly, "When the hell were you going to tell me that?"

"Now."

"So, you make love to me...and act all sweet...while stabbing me in the back?"

"No," Jamie said, "I made love to my wife, because ye are my wife and I missed ye fiercely. I was too shattered last night to handle yer reaction, so I waited until the morn."

"My reaction..." Eleanor huffed, "You make me sound like such a child."

"I dinna say that," Jamie said.

"It's back to the same old nonsense with you, Jamie. I want you to listen to me first, before deciding what is best."

"There wasna time. The lads need a schoolmaster and considering ye are days away from delivering our bairn, there was not time to try to talk some sense into yer bonny wee heid. Did ye really think ye could continue after the bairn was born?"

"No, of course not," Eleanor said. "but..." she crossed her arms.

"I am not goin to press the issue of ye takin over to begin with," Jamie said.

"How generous of you!"

"Aye, it is," Jamie said, pointing his finger at her, "because ye did go expressly against my orders...again."

"Your orders were ill-conceived. No one had an issue. They were happy for me to teach the kids."

"Ye dinna ken how they would react."

"It didn't matter."

"It should have!" Jamie's temper finally snapped. "Or did it no because ye were angry at me fer leaving you?"

"I'm angry at you for having one standard for Claire and one for me!" Eleanor yelled.

Jamie grabbed her arm, "Ye will not raise yer voice at me."

"What are you going to do about it?" Eleanor challenged as the bairn practically leaped in her stomach, her stomach shaking against Jamie.

He looked down at her wiggling stomach. "At the moment, nothing. After our bairn is born, we'll see. I dinna want to, but if ye force me to bring ye into line, I will."

She shook her head, "You are unbelievable. Please let go of my arm."

Jamie let go immediately.

"I need some space from you...to think. Do not follow me, James."

"I am not in the wrong, Eleanor. It had to be done."

Eleanor left without another word.

* * *

Jamie paced the kitchen of Lallybroch, Jenny and Murtagh watching him.

"It has been too long," he said, his hands fisted. "She should have returned by now. Of all the irresponsible, pigheided things...she is practically burstin with my babe. And there looks like to be a storm a brewing."

"What are we waiting fer?" Murtagh asked. "I would have gone after her an hour ago. Give her half an hour to stew, half an hour to ponder and then bring her home."

Jamie turned to stare at his godfather. "Ye make it sound so easy."

"What is so difficult about it?" Murtagh drawled "Ellie just needed to get it off her chest. She usually realizes when she has acted in folly."

"Not in my experience."

"Weel, maybe ye aren't listening," Murtagh retorted.

"Good Lord, man, does she have all of ye under her thumb?" Jamie huffed, "First Lord John and now ye."

"Now, brother," Jenny reached to still him, grabbing him by the arms. "Murtagh is right. Eleanor truly thought she was doing the best by those sweet lads. And she did a fine job of it as well. Ian loved his lessons with her. To see that joy that has taken him over with learning. Eleanor has a gift fer it and that is the truth of it."

"Aye," Jamie sighed, "I ken. I saw."

"So she is mourning that loss of being able to do what she loves. And ye not telling her right away. It was a blow. But now that as Murtagh said, she had time to stew and ponder, she is probably regretting acting so rashly towards ye."

"And bringing up Claire again..." Murtagh said.

Jamie scowled, "Thank ye sister fer planting that one in her heid."

Jenny patted his arms, "It was not wrong. Ye have a different way about ye with Eleanor than with Claire. And that is not necessarily bad, but ye need to realize when that might be off putting to yer wife."

"Aye," Jamie acknowledged, "I can see how she would think so."

"Verra gut," Murtagh nodded. "Now go find her and bring her home. She should not be traipsing around the countryside about to deliver her bairn."

"Will ye help me find her?" Jamie asked.

"Of course, ye dinna have to ask," Murtagh said, patting his back, "Let's go bring her home."

* * *

Eleanor put her hand on her stomach. She had been so stupid and now she was paying for her folly. She cried as another pain hit. She could tell that the wind was picking up. She could sense a storm was coming. She did not know what possessed her to come to this cave. Well, she did know. Jamie had spent years here and even though she was mad at him, she wanted to be close to where he once was. But it was secluded and now she was afraid to leave. She knew she wouldn't be able to go far with her pains coming every few minutes.

She began to pray, sinking down to lean against the wall of the dank cave. She was terrified...terrified of the baby coming, of delivering the child on her own. Of dying in this cave. But more so, terrified that the last memory Jamie would have of her was her screaming at him and throwing Claire in his face over and over again. When would she ever learn not behave so rashly?

She cradled her belly with her arms, "it is going to be okay, love. Mama will make sure."

It had been a rollercoaster of a 24 hour period...how could she go from such joy to such disaster in so few short hours? How could she have railed so fiercely at Jamie when he was right? Of course the boys needed a school master. She was such an idiot. She wanted him to admit that she was right to take over in lieu of that schoolmaster and in the meantime she alienated him...and maybe pushed him away forever.

She groaned, the pains coming on again. She wept and prayed and hoped for deliverance, but knew that the likelihood that it would not come. And in that case, she was on her own. She just prayed she had the strength to do as she must.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N:Thank you all for continuing to read and review...& for the encouragement to keep going! :)

**Chapter 16**

Eleanor twisted the fabric of her dress, trying not to scream out in pain. The wind was howling something fierce and it sounded like wolves were howling back. God help her, it was going to get dark soon. She knew that she would not have any way to protect herself. Fear consumed her. Her pains were still staggered, but there was no denying she was in labor.

_"Will, how many minutes in between? Do you have your cell? We should time it," Eleanor said, twisting the sheet. "We should know if we need to call the doctor. Do you really think this is it?"_

_"Cell phone. Let me find it."_

_Eleanor struggled to get up. "Here, let me help you."_

_She waddled over to look through the mess of the night stand. "Here. Oh, God, another one...I didn't realize it would hurt so much."_

_"Here," Will look the cell from her, "I'll time it. Practice your breathing."_

_"Maybe turn on some music," Eleanor said. Will flipped on some music, the Christian hits station that she loved. _

_The pain eased. "Hey, Ellie?"_

_"Yeah," Eleanor forced a smile. _

_"I love you."_

_Now her smile was genuine. "I love you too. But are you sure you don't like the name Harry?"_

_"It makes it seems like you are obsessed with Harry Potter."_

_"I am...truth be told," Eleanor titled her head. "But it's not about that. Come on. It's a good name. Henry. We can all him Harry."_

_Another pain hit and Eleanor tried to work through it, focused on breathing, the music and Will's steady hand on her back. When it eased, he looked at her, in awe. _

_"Harry it is," Will nodded, seriously. _

Eleanor's heart twisted at the memory. Her firstborn. How she missed him...and his sissy and his daddy.

Jamie and her hadn't even talked about names yet. Will and her had been in sync always...and with Jamie, it felt like it was a never ending battle of trying to reach for understanding between the two of them.

Jamie was so larger than life...a born leader. And she...she just wanted to fade in.

Jamie was agile and physical...Ellie was a klutzy to a fault.

She was from a century where women could be whatever they wanted to be-where they were valued for their intellect and abilities, where they were equal with men. And Jamie's time...well that was obviously different. She was subservient to him and while Jamie only pushed that issue on those rare occasions, it was still hard for her to accept his judgment as final and the consequences for her thwarting his direction as severe.

And yet, when it came down to it...they were learning which made each other work. They were going deeper, into the messy places of their heart and soul. He knew her insecurities, her anxiety...and she, the weight of his past. They had forged a passion together that was real and powerful- sometimes making her so vulnerable she felt she would break, but he would always treat her with the utmost care even when pushing her into deeper intimacy and guiding her into letting her inhibitions go with him.

And the way they could laugh together...the type of deep laugher that rumbles in the belly and makes your side hurts. He got her humor which considering the cultural divide they dealt with on a day to day, that was something special- a gift.

"Oh God," Eleanor gasped as another pain overtook her. And she kept hearing noises in the cave.

Jamie was going to throttle her for getting herself in this predicament. She knew better than to wander this far from the house without Murtagh or Fergus or Young Ian. She had no way to defend herself from human or animal or the elements of the storm that was starting to rage. And she was vulnerable at the moment, pain gripping her. She had to admit, if she ever got herself out of this mess, she would do whatever penance Jamie wanted her to...if she only lived and wouldn't be eaten by wolves. Or have to somehow figure out how to push out and catch the baby at the same time. How would that work? And would the wolves come? Maybe there were bats in the cave...maybe that was the noises. She began to panic, her anxiety at an all time high.

There was no denying it...she was freaking out.

"Stop, Eleanor," Ellie muttered, "This is not helping."

She forced herself to close her eyes and pray again, trying to quell the panic. She had told Jamie not to follow her and she knew that he would respect her wishes especially when he was probably angry with her still. And even if he did choose to look for her, there was no way he would think she would ever come here. It felt hopeless at the moment- it would have to be a miracle for her to get out of this situation.

* * *

"Where do ye think she could have gone?" Murtagh asked, tying the blankets to the horses. "the skies are about the fall."

"I wouldna have thought she would have gone far," Jamie frowned, raising his voice to be heard over the wind. "Eleanor kens not to wander."

They had circled around Lallybroch and the tenants' farms. She was nowhere. They had come back to Lallyroch to see if she had returned. When they realized she hadn't, they decided to take provisions.

"Clearly not, lad," Murtagh said. "She is about to deliver the bairn. What was she thinking traipsing around the highlands without one of us? She dinna ken how to defend herself if need be."

Jamie shook his head in disbelief, "I dinna ken. She must be in trouble if she hasna come home though."

"Put yerself in Ellie's mind. If she was upset, where would she be like to go?"

Jamie paused, thinking. "Weel...maybe...the cave?"

"The one ye lived in while on the run from the British?" Murtagh asked, aghast. "Why in God's name would she go there?"

"To be close to me," Jamie grunted. "Actually, it's exactly the type of place she would want to go when upset with me."

"I do hope ye will have a long conversation with her when this is all over and done with," Murtagh drawled. "She dinna ken her limits. She is gonna get herself killed one of these days if ye dinna do right by the lass."

"Ye can depend upon that, Murtagh, I canna abide her carelessness, especially when it puts our family in jeopardy," Jamie said, pulling himself on his horse. "It's worth a try to check the cave. Let's go."

* * *

"Eleanor!" Jamie carefully tied his horse, the wind was still howling and the rain had started to fall. He cupped his hand, "Eleanor, are ye here?"

He pushed out branches that had fallen to the entrance of the cave he had lived in for years on the run from the redcoats. "Eleanor, answer me if ye are here!"

"Jamie," the sound was faint and strangled, but Jamie heard it, nonetheless.

His heart raced as he ran into the cave. "Where are ye?"

"Here," Eleanor said, from her spot on the floor, leaning against the stone.

Jamie slid down beside her. "Thank Christ, I found ye."

"Jamie," She looked at him, his eyes wide. "Are you really here?"

"Aye," he put a tender hand on her head. "Can ye not feel my touch?"

"I can," Eleanor began to cry, her sobs echoed through the cave. She reached to put her hand on his face, rubbing his stubble. "You are here. You are. I did not think you would come for me."

"Ye foolish besom," Jamie said, tucking fallen pieces of her hair behind her ear. "I will always come for ye."

"I'm so enormously thankful. I did not know what to do," Eleanor continued to sob.

"Why did ye not return home? Are ye hurt?" Jamie's began to look her over, "Let me look at ye. Stop squirming."

Murtagh approached them as well. "Ellie?"

"I'm fine..." Eleanor reached up to push away Jamie's hand, "It's just...Oh God, not another one. I cannot."

She turned away, her body wracked in pain. She tried to stifle her cries, but the contractions were growing in intensity.

Murtagh immediately turned on his heels and went back outside.

"Mo ghraidh," Jamie's voice was hoarse upon seeing Eleanor's pain. "What can I do fer ye?"

"Give me a minute," she huffed and Jamie immediately fell quiet. "Oh God. Oh God. _Oh God_."

The pain eased and she turned towards Jamie, "Jamie, _I need you_."

Jamie moved towards her and her arms immediately engulfed her. "Dinna fash, mo ghraidh. I have ye."

"I thought...I thought I would have to do this alone...that I would die in this cave. I was so scared. I think there are bats and the storm and the wolves and...I...I didn't see how I could push and catch at the same time. I was trying not to freak out...um, panic. But you know me and my mind..."

"I ken. Ye are safe now, mo ghraidh. I will see to it," Jamie held her tightly and kissed the top of her head, "Dinna weep so. All will be well now."

"Can we go home now? Please?" Eleanor sounded desperate, her head buried in Jamie's chest. "I need to be home."

"I dinna think so, not in yer state."

"But I can't deliver this baby in a cave!" Eleanor squealed, raising her head and gripping Jamie's arms tightly. "I will ride. I won't fall off. I swear to God, Jamie."

"Lass," Jamie chided, "ye must calm yerself. It is not gut for ye or the babe to be carryin on so."

"I cannot...you have to take me home," the tears flowed, "I will do whatever you say."

"Lass," Jamie wiped the tears with his thumb, "Come now."

"I'm serious," Eleanor said, adamantly, "If you want to punish me after I recover from the baby, I'll take whatever you think is fair. Just take me home. I cannot have a baby in a cave."

"I'm glad to hear that ye wish to abide by my judgment, but that matter is for another day. I am not trying to punish ye, lassie. With the storm and ye having such bad pains, I willna risk us getting stuck out. We are safer here. We are dry and it is not too cold." He smoothed down her hair. "Dinnae fash. Ye are not alone any longer."

"I was so very foolish." Eleanor managed to stop her sobbing, only left with hiccuping.

"Aye, ye were," Jamie said, his eyes drilling into hers, "But seeing as ye are bearing so much pain fer me to be a father, I willna chastise ye now."

"But later?" she asked, biting her lip. She meant what she said, she would abide my Jamie's judgement, but still the prospect made her weary.

"Let's talk about it later," Jamie said, "Put it away from yer mind, Eleanor. Ye must think on yer task in front of ye."

"I'd rather not think of that at all," Ellie grumped.

Jamie fought a smile, "Ye'd rather think of me punishing ye..."

"At least that is over quickly...this lasts for hours..." Eleanor retorted, "actually, come to think of it...I think this is punishment enough."

"Do ye now?" Jamie asked, his tone light.

"Talk to me after and see what you think," Eleanor said, glumly. She was not looking forward to this.

Murtagh returned with the blankets. "Here ye are, lad."

"Thank ye," Jamie said, unwrapping a blanket and then wrapping it around Eleanor's shoulders. "There ye are." his voice was soothing. "Ye are shivering. Are ye still cold?"

"Warmer with you next to me," Eleanor said.

Murtagh uncorked the water jug, "Would ye like some?" he asked Eleanor. "Are ye thirsty, lass?"

She nodded and reached for the water jug, but her hand was trembling.

Jamie took it from Murtagh and helped her with it, "Small sips, lassie."

She took a swig and wiped her mouth. "Thank you. What are we to do?" She looked between Jamie and Murtagh. "We have to have a plan."

"Aye," Murtagh said, "A plan is a gut idea."

"Weel," Jamie glanced at Murtagh, "I have some experience birthin horses, it canna be that different."

Eleanor looked incredulously at Murtagh, who shrugged.

"That lad is right. I dinna see how we have much of a choice," Murtagh said, gravely. "Ye can tell him what to do."

"I don't really know exactly what to do," Eleanor grunted, "Truth be told."

"Ye have done this before, Ellie," Murtagh pointed out.

"Yes, but...ah, _Damn_ _it,_" Eleanor immediately clutched Jamie's arm, her nails digging into his jacket. "God help me. _I cannot._" She took a deep breath holding it, trying to fight against the pain.

"Dinna hold yer breath," Jamie shifted her, so he could put his arms around her. "Here. Lean against me."

Eleanor shuddered and tried to breathe, her mind exploding in pain. "I cannot do this." she cried, stopping her breathing again.

"_Breathe_, Eleanor," Jamie commanded. "In. Out."

She took a shuddering breath. "It hurts so bad."

"Another breath. In. Out. _Breathe_. That's gut, lassie."

Eleanor sighed in relief when it eased. "I want my epidural," she moaned, wiping the sweat off her brow with the back of her hand. "I need my epidural."

"What is an epy dural?" Murtagh asked, from his perch across the small opening of the cave, close enough to watch over the two of them, but far enough to give them privacy.

"I'd like to ken the same thing," Jamie asked.

"It's the best thing ever," Eleanor said, "because when it got unbearable, like right about now...when I couldn't do it any more, I asked for it. It's a needle the doctor puts in your back in your spine."

"In yer backbone?" Murtagh asked, his mouth gaping.

"Yes...which sucks at the time, but then you don't feel anything. And it's glorious. _Glorious_," she squeezed Jamie's arm.

Jamie looked horrified. "It dinna sound glorious."

"Aye, I have to agree," Murtagh drawled. "Do they truly stick wee needles in yer back?"

"No, it's one needle and it's big. But I wouldn't feel anything after that initial pinch. This hurts way worse. I knew that I wouldn't be able to have the luxury of modern medicine, but I did not quite remember how awful it is. You forget once the baby in in your arms."

"I dinna realize that ye haven't done this...like we do in our time...I'd just assumed," Jamie's voice turned anxious. "Ye will be alright, won't ye lass?"

"Oh God, James Fraser, if you panic, I am going to become a mess. I need you to tell me I can do this. Do you understand me? _Tell me I can do this."_

"Lad," Murtagh's voice was gruff. "She's right."

Jamie snapped out of it quickly, moderating his expression and his tone. "Of course, ye can. I just hate to see ye in such a way. I canna bear yer pain. I would gladly take it from ye if I could."

Eleanor leaned against his shoulder. "I know you would. I will be fine." she swallowed hard, "I'm more embarrassed about what you might see. Childbirth is messy and..." she wrinkled her nose. "It will not be pleasant."

"Good Lord, lass," Jamie snorted, "I am a solider. I have seen blood and guts and fluids before. Dinna fash on my account."

Eleanor blushed. "Well, it's different when it is your wife."

He leaned to kiss her head. "Put yerself at ease. I willna think differently of ye. Focus on what ye need to do with birthin the babe."

"I'm just afraid I can't help tell ye what to do."

"It canna be that complicated," Jamie soothed. "I have been around the horses when they are birthin. Even had a turn a few in my days."

Eleanor's eyes grew wide. "Do you think that will happen?"

"No," Jamie quickly said, "Most likely not."

Eleanor took a breath and a let a long one out. She closed her eyes and fell silent for a few minutes.

"What are ye doing?"

"I'm trying to imagine myself somewhere else. Like...I don't know...a hospital with an epidural."

Jamie cleared his throat, "Is that helping?"

She opened an eye, "No." she grunted and Murtagh laughed.

"I'm glad you are seeing the humor in this...but just so you know, I am asking you to hold my hand while Jamie catches our babe."

Murtagh sobered up. "Aye, of course, mo buidheag," he said, but his eyes still twinkled, "Happy to do my part fer the wee un."

She nodded. "Thank you."

Jamie tapped his fingers against her leg. "Still, ye are right- ye need to work on calming yerself."

Eleanor took a breath, "Maybe I should take off my dress. It is going to be ruined."

"Aye," Jamie said, "I will help ye."

Murtagh turned his back and Jamie helped Eleanor up to take off her dress and stockings, her balancing herself by gripping his shoulders as he undressed her.

"Are ye goin to be too chilled in yer shift?" Jamie asked.

"Not if we wrap the blanket around me," Ellie said, "It's better than ruining the dress."

Jamie nodded and Eleanor leaned over, another contraction. "Good Lord."

Jamie held her steady as Eleanor tried to deal with the pain. It eased and she looked down, the searing pressure, easing. "My water just broke."

Jamie managed to keep his demeanor steady. "Is that so?"

"Yes, your boots are now wet, couldn't you tell?"

"Aye, but I dinna want to say anything."

Murtagh's back began to shake with laughter. "Can I turn around now?" he asked.

"Yes," Eleanor said as Jamie helped her down, wrapped the blanket around her and put another one to cushion the hard floor. He sat with his back against the hard stone and she against him, resting her head back on his chest.

They sat in silence for a bit, another contraction hitting, Eleanor trying to get comfortable- the combination of laboring and the dirt floor made her miserable.

"Will you or Murtagh tell me a story? I don't care about what. Just something to focus my mind. Otherwise, I'm not sure I can just sit here."

Jamie looked to Murtagh. "maybe aboot a time at Leoch? I dinna think I have told Eleanor verra much aboot Leoch."

"Aye, that would be gut. Lots of stories there," Murtagh said. "We could have hours."

"We might have hours," Eleanor said grimly.

"Do you think?" Jamie frowned.

"I would not know," Eleanor retorted, "I cannot look to see how far along I am...my belly is definitely in the way. I'll know when to push, I think. And it's going to get alot worse, which will also be a sign. It will be fine."

The wind howled and Eleanor jumped.

Jamie's arm went back around her middle. "Ye are jittery."

Eleanor frowned, turning her head around to look at him, "this isn't the most sanitary place to deliver a baby."

Jamie made a face at her, "If it is good enough fer our good Lord to be delivered in a stable, then I doubt ye should be worrit about the wee germs," he tweaked her nose.

Eleanor swallowed hard, "But what if..."

Jamie's eyebrows raised.

"What should we tell about Leoch, Jamie, lad?" Murtagh quickly interrupted. "Something humorous to calm the lass."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, Eleanor turning back around and leaning back into Jamie, "What about the time that..."

Jamie launched into a humorous story about his time at Leoch, Murtagh jumping in. They had to pause through Eleanor's contractions which were growing strong and longer and closer together. Jamie's demeanor remained steady but occasionally he would glance at his godfather, who would nod at him. Ellen was close to both of the men's minds, and the atmosphere of the storm and the howling wind and pouring rain and lightening created an ominous feeling in the cave.

It had begun to grow dark and Eleanor looked to Jamie.

"It will be fine. We have candles, but we have to be careful, how much to use them."

"Another story...Tell me more about your uncles...and your mom."

Jamie nodded and began another tale.

He was half way through when Eleanor suddenly began to shake.

"Lass, what is it?" Jamie's eyes grew wide.

"It's normal," Her teeth chattered. "I'm fine. But I think...I think I am going to need to push soon. I cannot control my shaking."

"Here," Murtagh stood. "I will hold ye steady, lass so Jamie can help ye with the bairn." They switched places. "Lean back against me. There ye are."

"I'm scared," Eleanor said.

"Eleanor, mo ghraidh," Jame's voice was calm, "It's almost over."

He reached to push up her skirts. He reached his hand in..."Christ, Eleanor. I can feel the bairn."

"I haven't thought of a name," Eleanor said. "We didn't talk about it. I cannot," her teeth chatted more as she started to cry out in pain, this time not being able to suppress her reaction.

"Go ahead and scream," Murtagh said. "If ye need to. Ye have been so strong."

Her cries echoed the cave. "I have to push."

"Then do it," Jamie said.

She began to try, but the pain and the exhaustion were weighing on her.

"The bairn is there, lassie, ye just have to keep going," Jamie said, when she began to falter.

"I cannot anymore."

"Ye can," Murtagh said, squeezing her. "Let's go."

"I cannot," she shook her head, crying.

"Lass," Jamie looked her in the eye. "Look at me now. _Now." _His voice was stern and she saw the highland warrior in him once more. "Ye are stronger than ye give yerself credit for."

"I am not," She shook her head, adamantly.

"Aye, ye are," Jamie retorted, his voice rising. "And ye need to push. There is no a choice here. Do ye hear me?" He leaned up, to get in her face, "Ye will push now."

Eleanor met his eyes and they locked for a moment.

"Okay."

"Gut," He gave her a quick kiss. "Now push." Jamie commanded.

"You have to count," Eleanor said. "To ten each time."

"Verra Weel," Jamie said, his voice still firm, sensing Eleanor needed him to be in control. "Go on, mo ghraidh. I want to meet our child."

Eleanor continued, while Jamie counted. "Again."

"The head is out," Jamie said, his voice conveying his wonder.

"Put your hand underneath, so you can catch it."

"Keep pushing," Jamie retorted. "Ye are so close."

Eleanor screamed and then pushed one more time and groaned in relief.

"Thank Christ," Murtagh murmured, but continued to hold her steady.

The baby began to cry.

"Jamie?" Eleanor's voice trembled as she watched him, holding the babe, staring at it. She could not read his expression.

"We have a son," Jamie's voice cracked and Ellie could see through the candlelight, the tears that were pooling in his eyes and beginning to fall down his face. "He's braw." He placed the babe on her chest and then retrieved a knife from his pocket and cut the cord. He reached for the blanket that had fallen off her when she was pushing, wrapping it around Eleanor and the babe.

She trembled as she held the baby, who was squawking.

"Hello, baby. It's okay, sweetheart," Ellie said. She reached to see his hand, holding it and examining his fingers. "Ten fingers."

"And ten wee toes," Jamie nodded, seriously. "He looks healthy, lass." He went to switch places with Murtagh, who went to retrieve more water, venturing out in the storm to give them privacy.

"Ah," Eleanor trembled.

"What was that?"

"Just the afterbirth. There is probably a mess down there."

"Aye, I think the blanket is ruined."

"Undoubtably," Eleanor laughed.

Jamie kissed her head. "Ye were so brave."

"I was difficult at times."

"Aye, but I canna fault ye," he laughed through the tears that were still trickling down. "The whole process is a trial, is it no?"

"Yes, very much so," The babe continued to cry and Eleanor struggled.

"What are ye doing?""

"Help me for a second," Eleanor said, "Hold him for me, against me while I try to see if I can maneuver this. It's been a while and it is not as easy as it looks."

"Aye," Jamie assisted her as she managed to adjust her shift and they maneuvered to get the babe to latch.

Jamie held his wife and his suckling child, his heart full.

"Eleanor?" She could feel his breath on her neck and his tears still wet on his face.

"Yes, James?"

"I love you."

Eleanor's eyes closed and she let out her breath. "Do you? It's not because of the baby, is it?"

"No, leannan. I realized it when I was in London with John. It has nothing to do with the bairn, though tonight has made me love ye even more. Ye went through so much fer us and fer our family. And I canna thank ye enough fer what ye have borne fer me."

"Look at him, Jamie," Eleanor said, "Isn't he precious?"

"Aye," Jamie retorted, "A fine lad a lad as I'd ever saw." He reached around her to touch the fine red hair.

"He has your hair," Eleanor marveled. "I always wanted a little one with red hair. I think they are the cutest."

"Then I am happy to give ye wish," Jamie said.

"Truth be told, yes, this was miserable and I'm going to be exhausted and sore for weeks, but I would bear the pain again and again. Seeing you hold our child, Jamie...my heart is so full. This child is a blessing I never expected, but one I am incredibly grateful for. I love him so much already."

"Aye, I do as well," Jamie said, "but the lad needs a name."

"Yes, he does," Eleanor retorted. "I have a suggestion, but I do not know what you will think."

"What is it?"

"I want our baby to have your name, Jamie."

"Won't that be confusing between Young Jamie and myself and now another wee Jamie?" Jamie asked, skeptically.

"James MacKenzie Fraser," Eleanor rubbed the babe's cheek, tenderly, "and we can call him Mac."

"Mac?" Jamie thought a moment, "Ye ken it means son."

"Yes, I know, Mac Dubh," Eleanor giggled. "That is the point."

Jamie chuckled and then kissed her shoulder, "A canny name, lassie. Fitting considering it is his mama who gave it to him." He paused, "It's simple."

"Simple, but fitting, right?" Eleanor said, still rubbing the babe's cheek. "Because this past year has been so crazy...unconceivable, yet...when it comes down to it, this love between us...it doesn't have to be complicated and sweepingly romantic...it can be simple though deep. And it can be beautiful...it can be perfect," She turned her head towards him. "Am I making any sense?"

"Aye, I follow ye," Jamie kissed her soundly, "We'll call him Mac. Welcome to the world, my wee un."

"Yes, welcome to the world, my love." She turned her head and kissed Jamie again. "Thank you...for helping me through this. I know we did not have a choice, but I'm glad you were with me. I love you, James Fraser."

"I'm so glad fer it," Jamie said, "Ye have healed me in so many ways. Dinnae ye ken how much?"

She looked at him, lovingly, "Somehow...someway...all of this was ordained. I know we will have our challenges, but right here with you...right now. I'm just so happy, Jamie." She reached released one hand from the babe, to wipe his tears. "I want to always feel the joy I feel now."

"Tis a gift," Jamie said, leaning his head against hers, "May it be so. I love ye too, mo ghraidh."


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N:** Thank you to ALL who have taken the time to read and review! I love hearing all your thoughts! Happy belated Thanksgiving!

**Chapter 17**:

Eleanor rolled over, trying to get herself out of the sleep to deal with Mac's wails. She was so weary- she had forgotten how taxing the sleepless nights were. Jamie grunted and then managed to get himself out of bed to pick up their screaming child.

"I think he wants to eat," Jamie said, patting the bairn's back, his touch gentle, while he carefully jiggled him up and down.

Eleanor covered her head, "I just fed him. Like an hour ago. He shouldn't be hungry already."

"He's gnawing though," Jamie adjusted him again on his shoulder. "He _is_ hungry, poor lad. He's trying to eat my shirt."

Eleanor groaned in her pillow. "Just five more minutes, Mac, sweet boy. Five more minutes."

"mo ghraidh," Jamie sat on the bed next to her with the baby. "Just roll over and I can help ye. Come, my love. The bairn needs to eat if he is hungry."

Eleanor managed to wake herself up enough to sit up. "No, I got him."

Mac immediately settled at her breast. "Good Lord, James Fraser, your child is just as insatiable for food as you are for sex."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "Aye, I dinnae deny that is true on both accounts." He chuckled more, amused at her statement.

"Thank you for getting him for me."

"Yer welcome. I figured ye were havin trouble movin when his wails got louder."

"And you are always so spry all the time," Eleanor said, almost begrudgingly.

"I dinnae have to deliver the bairn. Ye are still recovering from that wretched process."

"I have always been one who needs sleep," Eleanor admitted, "though I _am_ still very sore- a week later. I fear it will be a few weeks before I feel back to normal."

"Aye, I suspect so." Jamie leaned over to kiss her head and then large hand reached to cradle the baby's head as he nursed. He talked to the wee un in Gaelic, watching over him and her as the bairn nursed in the wee hours of the night.

Eleanor sighed at the sweet gesture. Jamie was enthralled with Mac. He was quick to help her. Her emotions had been wrought the past week and he had tenderly cared for her as well as the bairn. While he was gone in the fields during the day, he would stop in quite frequently to ensure that she was well.

"Is the harvest good?"

"Plentiful," Jamie said. "Thankfully even with the storm."

Eleanor sighed. "That's good." She was unable to fight her eyes drooping. They were so heavy, she closed them.

"Aye, tis verra gut."

"I should help Jenny tomorrow. I must try not to be such a nuisance. It's been a week. I have not been used to being so confined. I went home from the hospital after two days and then with Charlotte was born, I had Harry...oh my sweet babies..."

She leaned her head back to rest on Jamie's shoulder and promptly fell asleep. She barely was aware of Jamie carefully prying the babe off her breast, breaking his sucking with his pinky and very carefully holding him in one arm, while trying to move his wife off of him. He burped the babe and put him back down.

"Rest well, son. No more wakin yer mama up or she is goin to be frightful in the morning. Prickly as a porcupine and between ye and I," he leaned over the cradle, his voice conspiratorially, "We will all suffer the consequences, my wee un."

* * *

"How is Ellie?" Jenny asked as Jamie buttered his bread.

"I think she is tired of her confinement."

"Aye," Jenny nodded. "Or perhaps just weary?"

"Wee un not sleeping well at all."

"To be expected."

"Fer certain, but still it doesna make it easy on the lass, does it?"

"It does not," Jenny concurred. "Have ye thought on when ye want the wee un baptized?"

Jamie paused, "I hadn't discussed it with Eleanor."

"Soon though, James," Jenny said, "He is a healthy un fer certain, but it is best to do so soon."

Jamie frowned, "I will discuss it with Eleanor tonight and then inform the Father of our decision."

Jenny nodded. "Verra gut, brother. Dinnae ye think that Ellie will want her bairn baptized?"

"I dinnae ken, Janet," James retorted. "She isna a Papist."

"I ken, but even so...and godparents, have ye not discussed that with her as well?"

"Nah, not yet," Jamie looked sheepish, "I have just been so content enjoying the wee un."

"Well, with yer pension for trouble, James, it's best ye do that one soon as well."

"Aye, point taken," Jamie reached for another piece of bread.

* * *

Eleanor frowned as she nursed Mac again the next night before bed. "Why the rush, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, offering the bairn her pinky while he nursed.

"Weel," Jamie returned her frown, trying to choose his words carefully, "on account of the fact that...many bairns...may not..." he stopped. "weel, see their first birthday."

Eleanor flinched as if she had been smacked, "Oh my God, Jamie!"

Jamie went over to sit next to her on the bed. "Mac is healthy, lass, but ye dinnae ken what will happen so it is best to ensure their salvation...in case..."

"But..." Eleanor swallowed hard. "Um..." she took another breath. "I need to think for a minute, okay?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, seriously, "I suspected ye might need a few minutes."

She watched the baby as he nursed, not sure of what to say to Jamie. She moved Mac to her other side and continued to think.

And when he was done, she put him up on her shoulder and burped him and then cuddled him as he fell asleep against him.

"Do ye want me to take him and put him in his cradle?" Jamie asked, putting the book that he was reading aside.

Ellie shook her head, "I want to hold him."

"I have scarrit ye," Jamie sighed, "Eleanor, mo ghraidh. Ye mustn't fash over what we canna help."

"Yes, I know that," Eleanor patted the bairn's bottom as he laid on her shoulder. "Logically, I know that, Jamie. But you tell me that we have to baptize him because most children die..."

"I dinnae say _most_," Jamie interjected. "I said it is a _possibility_."

"Very well, it's a possibility," Eleanor countered. "I just don't know...I mean...are you asking me if or when?"

"When, mostly," Jamie admitted.

"But..." Eleanor titled her head. "I am his parent too."

"Aye," Jamie said."Do ye object? I thought Presbyterians baptize their bairns."

"Yes, though Will didn't agree, so we didn't Charlotte and Harry, but it's not the baptism I disagree with...more some of the other tenants of the faith- are we raising Mac as a Catholic..." she paused.

"Papist," Jamie corrected.

"Fine...Papist..." Eleanor bit her lip, "Are we?"

Jamie rubbed his face, "Aye, I think we must."

"Because...?"

"Because we are living in the Highlands."

"Okay, but..." Eleanor shifted the baby. "Do I not have a say?"

Jamie fell quiet and Eleanor got up to put the baby in his cradle.

"Ye should put the blanket on him, it's cold." Jamie said.

"He can't have anything in the cradle," Eleanor countered, gently rocking the cradle with her hand, when Mac began to squawk. "Let me swaddle him. I know Jenny said now the doctors discourage it, but...Henry was swaddled and that was just last year, and I'm pretty certain three hundred years from how they will go back to swaddling, so..." She grabbed a thin blanket and wrapped it around the baby. "There you are, sweetheart." she leaned down to rub his face, "Settle down. Mama and Da have to have a talk." She inclined her head, "Are you sure about da?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "It's simple. Like Mac."

"It is that," Eleanor handed Mac to Jamie. "See if you can get him to settle again."

Jamie managed to get his son quiet again, putting him back in the cradle. "Tell me why no blanket again."

"Babies have died from suffocation. Nothing in the cradle, Jamie."

"Verra weel," Jamie nodded. "Now can we talk?"

"Sure, we can," Eleanor went to sit next to him on the bed, "If you mean talk and not tell me."

"Lass," Jamie let out a frustrated breath. "I canna seem to get past yer will these days."

"I'm not a child that you have to break my will," Eleanor said. "I am your wife."

"Aye, and I am yer husband," Jamie said. "And considering that ye believed in baptism and consented not to because of Will's wishes, then I have to think..."

"Wait," Eleanor's eyes widened, "don't you dare compare!"

"That's all ye have been doin our whole marriage!" Jamie countered. "I think it is only fair fer me to do the same. Now ye can ken how it feels!"

Eleanor grunted, knowing full right that he was correct. "Go on then. Speak your mind."

"I have to think ye are just arguing to argue with me," Jamie crossed his arms. "Maybe because we havena settled our last fight, or is that no the way it is?"

"Our child is a week old, Jamie, but do you really want to go there with me tonight?"

"No, I dinnae want to, but ye seem to want to," Jamie countered.

"I don't want to..." Eleanor said, shifting. "The thing of the matter is...Will and I were bring up the children as Presbyterian, but I conceded on this point to him because everything else was similar in our beliefs, but..."

"And ye conceded to him because he is yer husband and ye respected his wishes?"

"Of course I did," Eleanor said, flushing.

"And ye dinnae mine?"

Eleanor let out a breath. "We are from two different worlds, Jamie. You cannot feel slighted because of it. I respect you just as much as I did Will. And I love you just as much as well. But Will never beat me..."

He pointed his finger at her, "Will ye no let that go?"

"No, I won't," Eleanor said. "Why would I?"

"Because, I willna touch ye in that way unless ye consent to allow me to," Jamie said. "I am a man of my word, but is that ye no respect me but ye no trust me as well?"

"Oh God," Eleanor shook her head. "Jamie, stop. How did this get so out of control? Can we just bask in the fact that we made this incredibly sweet, adorable little boy together? That we both love each other? Do we have to deal with all of this now? I can barely hold my head up, I'm so exhausted. Please give me time."

"We must baptize the wee un."

"Can we talk about it when I feel better?" Eleanor asked. "We were not married in a church, in front of a priest and you did not have any objections to that, so in my mind, waiting a few weeks to baptize Mac shouldn't hurt him."

Jamie paused. "_Eleanor_."

"What?"

"Do you not feel our handfasting vows were sufficient?"

She let out a breath, "It's just different. But I trust you when you say it is legal. So, as long as we are legally married...then I do not care."

Jamie let out another breath and then leaned over to kiss her gently on the lips. "Ye look shattered, lass. Ye should go to sleep while ye can. I dinna mean to upset ye. Why dinnae ye think on it?"

"When or if?" Eleanor looked at Jamie, wearily.

"Just think on it all," Jamie said. "Will ye no do that for us?"

"Of course I will," Eleanor launched herself at Jamie, "I'm sorry. I should not have said all of that."

"I spoke out of turn as well," Jamie squeezed her tightly. "We will talk on it when ye feel stronger and more like yerself."

"I'm dreaming of Harry and Charlotte, Jamie," Eleanor confessed into his shoulder.

He held her even tighter, "Ye are so shattered, lass. Yer dreams must be affected."

"I have Mac," Eleanor began to weep, "but I want Harry and Charlotte. I must be dead to them by now."

"My love," Jamie's voice was hoarse, "What can I do?"

"Hold me while I fall asleep."

"Of course," Jamie said, shifting her in his arms, "Go to sleep now, Eleanor."

Eleanor cried herself to sleep in Jamie's arms, her emotions overwrought from exhaustion and all the changes that come along with childbirth.

* * *

Two weeks later, Jamie crawled into bed and Eleanor turned into his arms.

"Is the wee un asleep?"

"Yes, he was extra fussy tonight. That is why I had to take him upstairs."

"I should have come and helped."

"You have helped plenty," Eleanor countered. "You and Fergus and Murtagh were having such a jolly conversation, I did not want to interrupt it."

"Aye," Jamie smiled at her in the moonlight.

"I want us to talk now."

"Are ye certain?" Jamie asked. "That babe will be up soon again and..."

"It is not that late," Eleanor said.

"No, tis not," Jamie admitted. "I wanted to come up to see you."

"Good," Eleanor reached to touch his curl, twisting it in her finger. "I like that you want to be with me."

"Aye," Jamie let out a long breath. "Perhaps, I should go sit over there, unless ye think we can."

She smiled at him, "Not for another few weeks. And even then...I'm horribly fat and squishy."

"Ye are bonny regardless and even more so," he gave her a long kiss, "because ye have given me such a braw lad."

"Hum," Eleanor buried her head in his shoulder, digging herself closer to him, "It will not be as you remember."

Jamie patted her back, "How so?" he asked, seriously.

"There is always some adjustment...and right now, the thought..." she grimaced and Jamie pulled away.

"I see," he said, seriously, "I did not anticipate that it would be so troublesome fer ye." He frowned and paused, contemplating the thought. "But that does make sense, now that ye mention it, mo ghraidh. After what ye went through, twill be no wonder if ye are weary aboot it..."

"So, then, we should wait longer, right?" Eleanor said, her voice even. "Don't you think?"

"Aye, perhaps, so. I dinnae want to trouble ye over it," Jamie said, "How long would be long enough?"

"Probably a year," Eleanor retorted, seriously.

Jamie sat up quickly, startled. "A year?" He looked horrified and then resigned.

Eleanor giggled. "That was too easy."

"Oh, ye wee besom," Jamie growled. "Wait until I get my hands on ye..."

Eleanor laughed again."You looked so perturbed."

"Aye, I was, truth be told. Ye were fooling this entire time then?"

Eleanor sobered up, "Um, not really," She made a face. "It is uncomfortable at first. I mean...alot happened, if you know what I mean."

"Ah," Jamie nodded, "I dinnae think ye were foolin. And aye, I was there. I ken yer meaning well."

Eleanor blushed, "Oh God. That is why I did not want you to deliver the bairn. I thought you would never look at me the same."

Jamie rubbed her cheek, "Dinna fash, lassie. I still want ye so badly. Tis a wonder, childbearin, tis all. But I dinna want ye to hurt over it. What must we do to make it better?"

"Well," Eleanor shifted, "You will have to be really gentle the first couple of times. I'm serious...slow and gentle. Got it?"

"Aye, I will, verra gentle," Jamie said, nipping at her neck, "slow as a snail."

"Not too slow though," Eleanor said, "the quicker it is over and done with, the better."

Jamie looked horrified. "This is like bedding a virgin all over again."

Eleanor looked incredulous, "How many virgins have you bedded?"

"Just the one," Jamie said, quickly. "Willie's mama."

"Ah, yes, alright," Eleanor said, "I'm just trying to be realistic."

"Nah, ye are tryin to set expectations low," Jamie retorted. "But it dinnae matter and do ye ken why?"

"Why is that?"

"Because," he nipped at her ear and then whispered, "I love ye and ye love me...enough to be patient and understanding and strive fer it to get better. And it will," he smacked at her bum gently.

"That is true," she whispered, nearly melting under his sweet words.

"And," he bit her ear harder, causing her to yelp, "when ye are used to me again, I'm goin to.." he paused and then whispered in her ear, "Remember that night in Edinburgh? I'm goin to give it to you even better than that..."

Eleanor gulped. "Will you really?" her voice cracked.

Jamie, nodded. "Aye," he said, seriously, "And I have weeks to think on how to rival that night."

Eleanor paused and then said, "Maybe I should go sit over there now."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "Feeling like ye want it too, mo ghraidh?"

"Oh my," She swallowed hard, "In the worst way..."

"Ye are shivering. Are ye cold?" he chuckled and then wrapped her up more tightly in his arms. "There ye are."

"I really did want to talk tonight."

"Weel, that should cool our desire, right quickly," Jamie retorted.

She smacked him, lightly. "Might not be a bad thing, right about now. We can't too soon and this conversation is working us both up."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said. "Verra well. I suppose if ye want to talk, then ye have thought over what we talked about a few weeks ago."

"I have," Eleanor said. "Let's talk about your thoughts on the matter and I will tell you mine."

"We can do that," Jamie said.

And into the wee hours of the night, they communicated openly with each other without it being a battle of wills. They listened intently to the others point of view and sought understanding. Mac got fussy and Eleanor fed him as they continued to talk, focused on each other.

And when he fell back asleep, Eleanor laid her head down, unable to keep it up. Jamie leaned over and kissed her, "Go to sleep."

"I feel like we haven't solved it."

"Nah, not the problem of the baptism, but I feel like ye and I solved another issue."

"Which was?"

"Trying to seek the best in each other, without letting our stubbornness and wills get in the way."

She smiled as she drifted to sleep, "I really do respect you just as much as Will. I just like to have my own way."

"Aye, I ken that well," Jamie said, kissing her gently. "Rest now, wife."

"Do you think Mac will be just as stubborn and short tempered?"

"Aye," Jamie said, kissing her again, "but we will love him all the same."

* * *

"I was thinking on it," Jamie said, a few weeks later, "When ye feel well enough, we can go to Edinburgh."

"What for?" Eleanor asked, folding Mac's diapers as he was lying on the bed beside her.

"We can find a minister to baptize the wee un."

She paused, bunching up the fabric of the diaper in her hand. "Are you serious?"

"Aye," Jamie went to sit on the other side of the bed. He reached out to tickle the bottom of Mac's foot and the babe awarded his Da with a big smile.

"I love that the wee un is smiling now," Jamie commented.

"I had thought you had forgotten," Eleanor said. "You have been silent for three weeks."

"I needed time to consider it."

Eleanor reached out to cover his hand, "You would do that for me...travel miles and miles so that Mac could be baptized in a faith you do not share, when you feel strongly about your own?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Ye make some gut points, lassie. I dinnae say I agree with them, but ye are canny enough to ken yer own mind and I respect the way ye think."

Eleanor closed her eyes and sighed deeply. She loved him so. She swallowed and opened her eyes.

"Go see the Father. We'll baptize Mac as soon as we can."

"Eleanor, I dinnae say it fer ye to..."

"I know, Jamie," Ellie interrupted. "And you and I will have to discuss further what to actually teach Mac about our faith, but the tenants of both of our faith is the same, when it comes down to it. And the fact that you would cede to my wishes...I cannot begin to describe how much that means to me..." she leaned to kiss him. "Let's baptize our bairn...and then let's give him to Aunt Jenny for a little while."

"Oh, why is that?" Jamie asked, between kisses.

"I need some time with you, my love."

Jamie gripped her face, "I look forward to it, but maybe we should separate unless ye want that day be today."

Eleanor pulled away, "Very well."

Jamie rolled over out of bed. "We got a package from Lord John. I forgot to show you," Jamie said.

Eleanor's face lit up. "We did?!"

Jamie chuckled. "Aye. I haven't had a time to read his letter, but I did see there was a separate note fer ye."

He retrieved the package and letters. He read through his, chuckling.

"What's so funny?"

"John's reaction to Mac's birth," Jamie said. "And the situation ye got us in. I think he is glad fer Isobel's even temper."

Eleanor swatted at him, "Lord John likes me, Jamie."

"Aye, he does," Jamie admitted. "I actually think he would have done well with a woman like yerself...fiesty enough to keep him on his toes...and canna help to incite feelings in...even if it is ones of anger."

"Such a endearing assessment of my charms," she swatted at him again. She opened up the letter, smiling widely as she did.

"He sends his warmest congratulations...and his hope that Mac will have my temperament..." she laughed, delighted. "Oh and he offered a response to my thoughts on the book...and sent a new one...along with..." she unwrapped the package to reveal..."Jamie," Eleanor's voice grew horse. "This is lovely."

It was a beautiful christening gown...simple yet stunning. It was similar to the style that she had admired when they were out in Edinburgh months before. He had remembered.

"He hopes that it will be worn by the first of many wee Frasers," Eleanor sniffled. "I know...this has to be hard on him...and yet...he is always so unbelievably generous and kind to me."

Jamie reached over to put his arm around her, "He cares fer ye as well, lassie. But what made him think of that?"

Eleanor wiped her eyes, "I admired it before...one similar to this. I wish he could find that happiness that we have."

"Maybe he will with Isobel...he said that he was going to strive to do better by her."

Eleanor carefully put the gown aside. "He can't help who he is, Jamie."

"I ken," Jamie said, "and he is a fine man and friend, but this is the time we live in, so he has to find a way."

Eleanor let out her breath. "Do you ever think we will see him again?"

"I dinnae ken, but I suppose ye can never ken what direction life will take us in..." Jamie said.

Eleanor looked at Jamie for a moment, disconcerted for a moment.

"What's wrong with ye?" Jamie asked, frowning. "Ye had the most peculiar expression."

"I had the most peculiar feeling," Eleanor retorted.

"What kind of feeling?" Jamie pressed.

Eleanor shrugged, "I couldn't describe it. It was fleeting anyway."

* * *

Eleanor watched as Murtagh tenderly held Mac in his big hands, Jenny by his side as Mac's godparents.

Jamie stood with her on the side, his arm around her waist.

The priest placed oil on Mac's chest.

_For the war against evil, and the practice of good, thou needest strengthening through the grace of him who hath redeemed us from our sins. Therefore I anoint thee with the oil of salvation in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen._

Jamie pulled her closer into his side as tears spilled down her face. He looked at her for a moment, their eyes meeting. He knew that she was thinking of what he might have to face in his life...for all the evils that his father had faced in his short life in this place and time. Eleanor prayed for grace and for strength for Mac...and to become a man similar to his father, who strength and honor knew no rival.

The priest took the water and poured the water in the form of a cross on the head of the bairn, Mac beginning to squawk.

_I baptize thee, James MacKenzie Fraser, __in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Almightly God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath regenerated thee by water and the Holy Ghost, anoint thee with the chrism of salvation in the same Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen._

"Amen," Jamie whispered and then went to take his son from Murtagh. He gave his son a kiss on the forehead. "God bless ye." He took the bairn and handed it to Eleanor.

"Thank ye, mo ghraidh," his voice was hoarse as tears filled his own eyes.

She nodded, unable to find the words to speak. For the moment touched her deeply as well.

* * *

Jamie rubbed her leg, gently, his arm around her as she snuggled into him, breathing deeply.

"How are ye faring, Mistress Fraser?" Jamie asked.

"Grateful for you," she said, honestly. "Thank you for being so understanding and kind. I know you had to restrain yourself some, but..."

"Of course, mo ghraidh, ye dinnae have to thank me for that," Jamie kissed her, while still rubbing her leg. "Thank ye fer yer willingness to fight yer worries."

She smiled into his chest, "It's hard to put being a mama aside to be a wife...especially at first."

"Aye," Jamie said. "I can understand that."

"Speaking of that," Eleanor leaned up, "Do you sometimes worry about what Mac will have to face in this life?"

"Aye, all the time," Jamie said, seriously, "But tis best not to dwell over it, lass," He reached to gently touch her chest.

She bit her lip. "Sometimes, I wonder..." she paused, suddenly feeling almost an awful foreshadowing. The moment happened again as it had done earlier when talking about Lord John...but this time, the feeling was more prolonged.

"What do ye wonder?" Jamie asked, his eyes studying her.

"About the future...and what it will bring."

"There is one thing I ken..." Jamie sat up and kissed her again, "whatever the future brings, we will face it together."

"I love you so."

"As I do," Jamie said, "And I will love ye until I have no more breath in my being."

Eleanor's heart overflowed. Yet even as he said those sweet words, she could not anticipate what the years would bring...for her...and for Jamie...and for the sweet family they were forming together...a family that would only grow larger...and a family that would be tested beyond what they could even imagine possible.

For what rational mind could conceive...what rational mind could anticipate what was to come...

For in fact, looking back, years later...it was all rather inconceivable.

But even then, the vow Jamie made to her that night...in spite of everything that would come, she knew it would still hold true.


	18. Chapter 18

**_Five years later_**:

Eleanor watched the rippling of the water as the crew was fixing the mast of the ship. The rocking of the ship was adding to her nausea but she searched for calmness even as the water was continue to churn around her. She held onto the ledge, her eyes closed. Her mind fixated on a memory to quell the panic that was rising in her.

"_What shall we name him?" Jamie asked Eleanor as he held his newest bairn. Two year old Mac was on the bed with them._

_"Baby. Baby bro," Mac said as Eleanor wrapped her eldest son in her arms. Her labor had been much quicker, but still there was a point she wanted to give up. She had insisted Jenny get Jamie and Jamie took one look at her, got in her face and commanded her to keep going. Like Mac's birth, it was the push she needed to get through the hardest part. And Jamie was by her side when they welcomed their second son into the world. It was unheard of for this time, but Jamie knew that she needed him. And he was there for her despite what propriety dictated._

_"That's right, Mac, sweetheart, this is your brother. Isn't he cute?"_

_"Aye," Mac nodded, solemnly._

_"He's going to be just as braw as ye are," Jamie ruffled Mac's red curls. "So have ye thought of a name yet, Mistress Fraser?"_

_"Well," Eleanor thought for a moment, "What do you think of Samuel?"_

_Jamie looked at the lad and thought it over, "Aye," he nodded in agreement._

_"And..." Eleanor titled her head. "I think we should make Lord John his godfather."_

_"But he isna Papist."_

_"Well, neither am I," Ellie pointed out. "Samuel John Fraser. Shall we write to him?"_

_Jamie met her eyes, amused. "Aye, we shall," Jamie nodded, "A fine name fer a fine, lad. Thank ye, Eleanor."_

_She reached up to pull him down for a kiss. "Thank you, my love." She whispered in his ear, "Two wee lads and we'll never get a moment of peace again."_

_He chuckled, "Aye, it will be verra fine indeed."_

She opened her eyes and her stomach nearly revolted. She took a cleansing breath. And another. One more time. One more memory.

_"A lass?" Jamie's voice was hoarse. Four year old Mac and two year old Sam sat on the bed with them, each of them bouncing, jiggling the bed up and down._

_"Lads," Jamie grunted and they stopped._

_"With red wisps like her Papa," Eleanor said, tears spilling over as she fingered the baby's head. "Oh, Jamie, isn't she so sweet?"_

_"Aye," Jamie nodded, in awe of his daughter, "She is bonny. Just like her Mama."_

_"What shall we name her?"_

_"Rose Ellen Fraser," Jamie said decisively. He didn't even have to think of it._

_"Rose?" Eleanor said, surprised. "but..."_

_"There is no other women I'd rather to name her after, than ye," Jamie leaned to kiss her. "Ye named Mac after me. Tis only fitting to name our wee lass after her mama."_

_"Jamie," Eleanor's eyes teared over. "But...I don't think I am..."_

_"Ye are strong," he kissed her, "and ye are canny. And ye are bonny. And I am honored to name our wee un after ye. May she grow up to be such a woman as her namesakes."_

_"I love you, Jamie," Eleanor said, "Thank you for getting in my face again."_

_"Aye," Jamie grinned. "Always glad to give ye a wee bit of a push when needed."_

_Eleanor smiled. "I'm so grateful for you."_

_Mac and Sam began wrestling on the bed and Jamie handed the bairn to Eleanor. He took each boy by the waist. "Enough, mo bhobains." he shook them and then put them down. "Look at yer sister, laddies. ye must always take care of her."_

_The boys came closer to the bed._

_"Sissy," Sam said._

_"I don't think I like girls," Mac wrinkled his nose._

_Jamie leaned down, "weel that isna true, Mac. Ye love yer mama, right?"_

_"Aye," Mac nodded._

_"Then ye will love Rosie as well," Jamie said, confidently. "I love my sister- yer Aunt Jenny."_

_"Aye, I love Aunt Jenny too," Mac said._

_"And I am verra glad to hear that, Mac," Jenny said. "Come, my lads. Let's go tell Uncle Ian that ye have a wee sister to love."_

_"Da," Mac tugged at him, "May I stay with Mama?"_

_Eleanor looked at Mac's solemn expression. "Jamie."_

_"Aye," Jamie nodded to Jenny._

_He picked up his son, "What is troubling ye, my wee un?"_

_"There was alot of hollering with mama."_

_Eleanor looked over from where she was gazing at the baby. "Mac, my love. I'm sorry I made so much noise."_

_Jamie held him close, "Havin a babe is hard work, Mac. Mama is going to be just fine." He kissed his son's head. "Dinnae fash, my Mac."_

_Eleanor's eyes met Jamie's. "Come and sit next to me for a while. We can sing to the baby."_

_Jamie grinned at her because he knew how well she sung. She began the song she would sing over the wee uns each and every night..._

_"Jesus loves me this I know...For the Bible tells me so..."_

_ Eleanor put her arms around Mac as she rocked the baby..."Little ones to him belong. They are weak, but he is strong..."_

Eleanor opened her eyes, the tears splaying across her face. Her fingers went to lightly move across her stomach. Her cape billowed around her in the wind as Murtagh came beside her.

"Are ye well, lass?" he asked, his eyes creased in concern.

"It has been a hard journey," Eleanor said, "and a long one. I did not think the wind would ever come again. One month of completely standing still. How is that possible? It is no wonder that we didn't lose our minds."

"Aye," he nodded.

"And they seem to be slipping more and more out of our grasp," Eleanor continued, the tears falling heavier now. "How many more weeks?"

"I dinna ken," Murtagh said.

"Hand me a looking glass," Jamie called.

Eleanor turned her attention towards Jamie. "What is it, Jamie?" she asked.

"I dinnae ken, mo ghraidh," he answered. He placed the spy glass to his eye. "Christ...it canna be."

"Lad?" Murtagh called.

"Sassenach!" Jamie called out, his voice filled with passion.

"What?" Eleanor turned, but Murtagh grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back to him.

Chaos surrounded the ship as Jamie commanded men to get the rowboat. The looking glass lay discarded by the mast.

Eleanor went over to grab it, Murtagh still watching. She looked to see Jamie and Claire running through the water towards each other.

Murtagh reached for the looking glass, "Dinnae do this to yerself, m'eudail. We must return to the way things were."

Eleanor bit her lip and turned away from him. "I don't know if _you_ can do that." Her hair whipped in her face as her cape kept swirling around her.

"Why is that?" he surveyed her as she went grabbed her hair to hold it still as it was getting into her mouth.

"Because..." Eleanor paused, "I'm pregnant."

Murtagh let out a long breath and then reached for her, "Dinnae say anything else."

He led her to their cabin away from the deck...and away from her heartbreak once again.

* * *

**_One Year Earlier_**:

"Boys," Eleanor reached to pull Mac and Sam away from each others. "For goodness sake. Stop. Do I need to get yer Da?"

"No," Mac shook his head, "I'm sorry, Sam."

"Sorwy, Mac," Sam said.

"Good," She juggled two month year old Rosie, who was sleeping against her. She leaned down to kiss both boys. "Maybe go outside to visit your Da. Or Ian should be home from school soon."

Eleanor eyed the blocks.

"Or maybe go build the blocks Da made you. You can build a tower," Eleanor said. "And then knock it down. It will be so much fun!"

"Aye!" Mac said, "Let's Sam. _Let's_."

The boys settled down and Eleanor let out her breath. Sam and Mac were active- much as she sure Jamie was as a lad. And with Rosie wanting to nurse every two hours still, it made things dicey at times, balancing the needs of her brood.

"How are things?" Jenny asked as she came into the room.

"Good Lord, Jenny. I do not know how you did it with all your bairns," Eleanor said.

Jenny laughed, "Ye'll find yer way, sister. Three bairns are an adjustment, because yer outnumbered," she said.

"That is true," Eleanor laughed with her. "Do you have the herbs? I can help you prepare them."

"Aye," Jenny said. The women worked side by side, but Jenny went to take a meal to Ian and Jamie in the field. The boys began to throw the blocks, much to Ellie's chagrin, when there was a knock on the door.

Rosie started cry. "Mac," Eleanor said, sharply. "Watch your brother."

Eleanor went to answer the door and paused in her tracks. She had that feeling again in her stomach, the same one that she had right after Mac's birth.

"Hello, may I help you?" Eleanor asked, forcing a welcoming smile.

"I'm sorry, is this still the home of Jenny and Ian Murray?" The woman said.

"It is..." Eleanor said as Mac came up beside her, Sam toddling behind.

"I thought I said to stay with your brother, James Mackenzie Fraser," Eleanor snapped, Rosie continuing to cry.

"I wanted to see," Mac stomped his feet. "Why can't I see?"

The women looked shocked. Her face was paled and Eleanor studied her expression. "I'm sorry, I should not have come," she said, shaking. "I should not have come."

Eleanor's heart hammered as realization dawned on her. Somehow, she just _knew_.

The woman went to turn to flee.

"_Claire, wait!_" The words rushed out before Eleanor could stop them.

The woman stopped.

Eleanor's heart felt like it was going to shatter in a million pieces. She swallowed hard and took another breath. She turned to her son and bent down. Juggling Rosie, she put a hand on Mac's arm and forced the next words out of her mouth, "Mac, my darling, go get Da. Tell him mama needs to see him right now." She straightened and he ran off to do her bidding.

"I should go," Claire looked distressed. "I do not want to...I would have never if I had known."

Eleanor shut her eyes tightly and stepped towards her. She reached out to lightly touch her arm. "_I know that._"

"You have a beautiful family..." Claire said, her words rushed. "The children. They look just like Jamie."

Rosie's wails became more insistent as her angry cry began to fill he air.

"I'm so sorry," Eleanor shifted the baby, "She wants to eat. She gets quite put out if I don't right away."

"It's alright," Claire said. "I should go though."

"Please don't..." Eleanor let out a breath, "Jamie has to see you. Claire," She jiggled the baby again, "I understand what you went through to come here," She looked her in the eyes. "I know."

"Did he tell you about how I came here?"

"Yes," Eleanor said. "I know all about it. Please stay."

"I don't want to..." Claire swallowed hard, fighting her tears, "I cannot disrupt what he has. It is best for all if I just go before he does. Just..." she reached in her pocket, "Will you give him this?"

Eleanor took the bundle and looked down at the photographs, "Is this your daughter?"

"Brianna," Claire nodded. "Tell him that she is safe. She is happy. She knows about him."

"She is beautiful. He never has forgotten about you or her." Tears filled Eleanor's eyes before she could stop them and began to run down her face, "Claire, Please. I can't let you go and ever look Jamie in the eyes again. No matter what happens it will affect things," she handed the photographs back to Claire. "Please just stay and talk to Jamie."

She nodded and Eleanor led her into the study.

Claire sat down and Eleanor sat as well.

"I'm sorry, but, do you mind?" she adjusted the baby.

"Of course not," Claire said. "She seems quite hungry."

Eleanor used the blanket to shield her as the baby nursed. "She is hungry all the time." Eleanor patted the couch. "Sam, come sit up here, please."

Sam toddled over and climbed upon the couch.

Eleanor put an arm around him as she nursed Rosie.

"I really should go," Claire said, watching Eleanor.

"It will be okay," Eleanor to her. "I don't know how...but...it will be okay."

"_Okay_?" Claire paused, frowning. "Are you from..." she paused again, struggling to put the pieces together. "Your accent. You are not British or Scottish. Are you from the colonies?"

"Yes, Virginia, but not as you think."

"You said _okay_," Claire mused.

Eleanor blushed. "Yes," she bit her lip, "I go back to my 21st century speak when I am nervous or distressed."

"My God," Claire said, her mouth dropping. "You are from the future."

"Yes," Eleanor nodded. "I am. It was 2019 when I left."

"I'm sure that is a story to tell," Claire said.

"It is," Eleanor shifted the bairn in her arms. "One I still not conceive of still...it's all so absurd."

"Eleanor!" Jamie came in the study, Mac in his arms. "What is the matter, mo ghraidh?"

He froze when he saw Claire sitting there. The blood had drained out of his face and Eleanor thought he might faint.

"Sassanach!" He grunted as he swayed.

Murtagh, who had followed Jamie inside, rushed forward to steady him. "Easy, lad."

Murtagh took Mac out of Jamie's arms, putting him down.

"Christ," Murtagh whispered, his mouth dropping open. "Claire, it it truly ye?"

Sam had jumped down off the couch and began to thunder around the room.

Claire rose. "Yes, it is I."

Rosie started to scream again as Eleanor had unlatched her quickly when Jamie came into the room.

Eleanor watched Jamie as he stared at Claire, unable to speak. His eyes had begun to tear and he was oblivious to Mac's tugs, Sam's running and Rosie's screams. It was nothing short of chaos and yet, Jamie made no move to bring order. He was frozen to his spot, his eyes connected to Claire.

Finally, Murtagh side swept him and grabbed Sam by the hand, bending down to give him a firm word.

Eleanor allowed Rosie to chew on her finger, but she refused to be pacified, upset her meal had abruptly ended and Eleanor felt her shirt soak with milk.

"God help me," she whispered. "I cannot watch this."

And then suddenly, Jamie was aware of her presence. Still, he did not look at her, his eyes fixed on Claire.

"Eleanor, go take the children and tend to them in the other room."

She bit her lip and then turned her head away, unable to take Jamie's expression any longer. She knew...she understood in that moment, how much Jamie had longed for the day- the day he never imagined possible.

Still, she was unable to move and Jamie's voice turned stern, "Do so now, mo ghraidh." He couldn't even look at her. But he did still use his nickname for her...he was trying to ease the blow. He was trying to protect her heart even as he was unable to shield his reaction to Claire's return.

Jenny had come into the room and covered her mouth and whispered a rush of Gaelic.

"Janet," Jamie's voice was firm, "Will ye not help Eleanor with the bairns?"

Jenny turned to Eleanor and immediately went to her side, "Come sister." She reached for Mac's hand. "Ye too, wee un."

"Aye," Murtagh nodded and reached for Sam, picking him up, "Come lad. Let's go clean up yer blocks. Da and I almost tripped over them."

Jenny wrapped her arm around her waist and guided her out the door.

Eleanor allowed them to all lead her away. In that moment, she realized...even if Jamie did send Claire away, their marriage would never be the same. Because she saw Jamie's heart in that moment. And it wasn't for her...

* * *

Eleanor paced the hallway, the bairn still in her arms.

"Ye should go sit down," Murtagh said, his arm on hers. "This is not gut fer ye. Ye are so pale. Ye will fall with the bairn in yer arms still."

"I don't want to sit," She closed her eyes, biting her lip hard, tasting blood. Seeing Jamie with Claire, the way his eyes met hers. The way he commanded her to go tend the children. Ordered her away. She understood why. It was for the protection of her own heart, and she couldn't fault him for that but still...she knew. Seeing Claire had affected him. And he still loved her. Very much. And she was his wife. Eleanor's marriage would be declared null and void.

Eleanor began to cry, "I need your help, Murtagh."

"What is it?" Murtagh turned her towards him.

"I need you to..." she let out her breath. "help me find a way to let him go."

"Ye have three bairns yer raisin together," Murtagh said. "What makes ye think that he will let ye go?"

"And they were married in a church...we were handfasted...legally, I have no grounds to stand."

"If they want to be with each other again...ye make a big assumption, Ellie. It has been many, many years."

"There are times that he still calls for her in his sleep," Eleanor's tears spilled over. "How can I stand in his way?"

Murtagh looked startled. "God help us."

Mac ran up to her. "I want Da."

"Where is Sam?" Eleanor asked.

"Playin with Ian. I want Da."

"Mac," Eleanor handed Rose to Murtagh. "I need you to back and play with Ian and Sam. Do so now, please."

"I want my Da!" Mac began to stomp his feet.

"Stop it," Eleanor grabbed his arm. "You are too old for this, my love. Come. Go find Aunt Jenny."

"Eleanor," Murtagh shifted the bairn, "Take the bairn and I will handle the wee lad."

"No," Eleanor's face crumpled. "I have to do this on my own."

Mac began to thump against the door as his insistence went into a full blown tantrum. It was as if he knew, all of their lives were going to be turned upside down. She wanted to do the same. Oh, how she wanted to rail at bloody fate...

Eleanor reached to pick him up, him fighting and thumping against her. She was turning when the door opened.

"Give him here," Jamie said to her.

"I got him," Eleanor said. "I'll take him upstairs."

Jamie's eyebrows rose as he took their son from her. He smacked his bottom, causing him to welp.

"That is enough out of ye," He told him, firmly. "Where is Sam?"

"Playin with Ian." Mac pouted.

"And why are ye not with him, especially when Mama said to go?" Jamie asked, his voice stern.

"I wanted ye...and Mama was cryin."

"I wasn't," Eleanor defended.

"Ye were cryin. Da, ye made mama cry," Mac said, his fists against Jamie.

Eleanor froze, her eyes wide. "Jamie."

It was then she realized how much Mac was watching and listening. She must be more careful.

"He can come with me. Ye need to take the bairn and go to our room. Ye look like ye are goin to pass out, ye are so pale." Jamie looked at his godfather, "Murtagh, can ye help Ellie upstairs?"

Eleanor paused. Jamie never called her Ellie. She never knew why, but he always preferred her full name.

"Aye, lad," Murtagh nodded. "Ellie, come, mo buidheag."

Jamie watched them go, Mac still in his arms. "Now then," Jamie entered back the room.

Claire walked over to them. "Hello, there," she said, her voice low. "You look like your..."

"Da," Mac said. "Mama tells me that. Da smacked me."

Claire smiled at the clear play for sympathy, "I heard alot of hollering out there."

"I wanted Da and Da made mama cry."

"That's enough out of ye," Jamie smacked his bottom again. "Ye are been disrespectful to me and I canna abide by it, James MacKenzie."

"I dinna mean to be dis-re-pec-ful..." Mac pouted again. "Why is Mama crying so?"

"That is no yer concern," Jamie kissed his head. "Why don't ye go sit on the couch for a bit?"

"Who are you?" Mac asked Claire.

"That's Claire," Jamie said. "Can ye not say hello and use yer manners?"

"Hello," Mac nodded.

"Hello," Claire smiled back at him and Jamie went to deposit him on the couch.

"I'm sorry about that," Jamie said as he gestured Claire to sit again.

"Da, what are these?" Mac asked and Jamie went to where Mac was looking at the photographs.

"That is yer sister," Jamie said.

"That's not Rosie," Mac looked at him like he was crazy.

"No, that's yer sister Brianna," Jamie told him. "She lives in the colonies. Here," Jamie reached to take the photographs and put them in his pocket.

Claire bit her lip, "He must be alot like you were as a little one, Jamie."

"Aye," Jamie gave her a grin, "I think that is maybe so..."

"How is Eleanor?"

The smile faded immediately. Jamie swallowed hard, his adam apple bobbing, "She doesna look well."

"I would never...I mean...I did look, Jamie...there was no record." Claire breathed heavily. "I'm so sorry."

"Tis not yer fault," Jamie glanced at Mac, who was currently occupied with flipping through a book. He took Claire by the elbow, "I couldna have a record...there is a prophecy...folklore, I'm sure...but some people have taken it to be true...and it could cause us problems if they do."

"About what?"

"Some nonsense about how the one to restore the Scots will be of the Fraser of Lovat's line...which as far as everyone kens ends with me..."

"But doesn't because of Eleanor and your children."

"Aye."

"I see," Claire looked grim. "That makes sense. What does Eleanor say?"

Jamie paused, "She dinna ken."

"I see," Claire frowned, "Were you not married in a church?"

"No, we were handfasted," Jamie said.

"I do not want to be the cause of such pain. I will go in the morning," Claire said. She went to turn but Jamie's hand shot out to grip hers. He turned her around.

"Sassanach, I am not ready to part with ye again," he said, his voice no more than a whisper.

"I do not think we have much of a choice," Claire squeezed his hand.

"There were so many times...when I was alone and afraid...and ye would come to me...but I could never touch ye like I can now. I have longed fer ye fer so long."

Tears filled Claire's eyes. "But...do you not love Eleanor, Jamie?"

"I was so broken after ye left. I was supposed to die. I wanted to. She made me want to live. She restored my soul," Jamie told Claire. "I do love her, mo nighean donn. I dinnae ken what to say. Ye are my wife still, but she is too."

"I want to hate you for falling in love with her," Claire said. "But I can't fault you. I will leave in the morning. It is the right thing to do. I will go home to Brianna and to my job. I had a good life."

"Then why did ye come back?"

Claire's lip trembled, "I suppose there was always something missing. A hole in my heart that could not be filled despite of how hard I tried."

"I need ye to ken..." Jamie squeezed her hand, "I never stopped loving ye."

Claire gazed into his eyes, their connection strong. The tension in the room because palpable.

"Are you asking me to stay?"

Jamie let out a breath. "I'm asking ye to let us have more time to figure it out...but ye should ken, even if Eleanor did step aside, I canna turn off my feelings for her. I made a vow to her and she is the mother of my bairns. She will be in our lives and I will love her as well. I willna act on that love, but ye would have to live with that."

Claire let out a breath, "I am not ready to let you go either...not again. But...it is the right thing for everyone...especially your children."

Jamie glanced at Mac and then looked resigned, "Aye, ye are right." He leaned down and kissed her cheek.

* * *

"So, that is just that?" Eleanor said, later the night Jamie and Claire gathered with Murtagh and Eleanor around the fire. Ian and Jenny went to bed early, giving the adults privacy. "But...she is your wife."

"Eleanor," Jamie chastised. "Please stop."

"I don't want to hurt anyone," Claire interjected, "Eleanor...I knew Jamie could have moved on...loved another. I see he is happy with you."

Eleanor sat down and buried her head in her hands. "Going through the stones...willingly...leaving your child...your career...I...I don't know if I would have the courage to do so."

She stood and went over to Jamie, "You will never be complete if you let her walk out this door."

"Eleanor," Jamie's voice was hoarse, "Ye dinnae ken what ye speak."

"I do know what I speak...she is your wife. She is your _legal_ wife, Jamie. You can have her if you want."

"Eleanor," Jamie's voice turned harsh, "I need to speak to ye. _Privately_."

She stilled. And then she shook her head, "_No._"

"Eleanor, now," He stepped out to grip her arm, but she drew away.

She shook her head again, "Do not touch me, James."

"Mo ghraidh,"Jamie's voice was low, but he had immediately dropped his hand. "I need ye to heed to what I am telling ye to do. For once in yer life, would ye just follow an order with no an argument? I wish to speak with ye. _Alone._"

Eleanor put her hands on her chest, "You have the chance to have what you always dreamed of...to have Claire. She is your soulmate. If Will was here," her face turned pained, "I would choose him."

Jamie froze, "Eleanor, what are ye doin?"

"I...I need to go check on Rosie. But...we'll figure this out. I just know...I cannot. We cannot be..."

She fled.

Jamie turned and met Claire's eyes, filled with uncertainty of how to make this situation right...how to react to both the women in his life.

"We are all in pain, Jamie," Claire said, quietly. "This is the way she is choosing to deal with it. You cannot fault her for feeling what she does."

"She has always been sensitive about our relationship," Jamie told Claire, his voice low. "This is just feeding on her worst fears."

"I do think I should leave in the morning. You and Eleanor will be able to sort it out."

"But now that Jenny and Ian has seen Claire alive..." Murtagh frowned. "Ye can go away, Claire, but Jamie, ye are still legally wed to her."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "There is that matter to consider."

Claire rose, "I am going to retire as well."

"Do not leave until I see ye again," Jamie said. "Please."

"Very well," Claire nodded. "I will not leave until I see you again. I'll see you in the morning."

"Rest well, Claire," Murtagh said and the men watch her leave.

* * *

"What will ye do, lad?" Murtagh asked. Claire had gone to bed and Eleanor was still upstairs with Rosie.

"Sleep down here," Jamie said, wryly. "I dinnae think Eleanor will allow me in her room nor Claire."

"Aye, that is fer certain, but what do ye want to do, Jamie?"

"Ye ken how much I love Claire."

"I ken," Murtagh nodded, seriously.

"I thought she was lost to me forever and now she has returned. I willna lie. I love her still. Seeing her...hearing about our daughter...as much pain as this caused Eleanor, I wouldna trade that time with her. To give her up again...I dinnae ken if I can bear it a second time..."

"But Eleanor..." Murtagh frowned. "Surely ye can see what this is doin to her."

"I love Eleanor, Murtagh. I love her fully. And she needs me and the bairns need me. But I dinnae ken if she will let me love her again. She kens I still love Claire- she saw that today. I couldna shield it from her even as I couldna shield from Claire that I love Eleanor."

"So, what will ye do?"

"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, grimly. "What is a man to do when he loves two women?"

* * *

"I couldn't sleep," Claire said as she rejoined Murtagh and Jamie.

"Aye, neither could we, lass," Jamie said. "Whisky?"

"Yes, I'd love some," Claire said and Jamie pushed over a tumbler full to her.

"Can I have a sip?" Eleanor asked from the doorway, her robe tightly around her. "I wish I could have more."

Claire took a gulp, "It was nice that we had formula I could give Bree when I wanted to drink."

Eleanor nodded and took a sip of Jamie's drink. Her hand touched his and she closed her eyes as she handed the drink back. "Yes, that was the same for my first two."

"I didn't know you had children," Claire said. "Jamie said you came through the stones by accident and couldn't get back."

"Yes, two. Harry and Charlotte," Eleanor reached for the tumbler again.

"One more sip," Jamie frowned. "Ye canna hold yer whisky regardless and ye are feeding the bairn."

"Oh, I so wish I could pump and dump and become totally wasted," Eleanor retorted.

Jamie scowled at her and Eleanor rolled her eyes.

"Wasted?" Murtagh asked.

"I think she means drunk," Claire said.

"Aye," Murtagh nodded. "I ken her meaning now."

"Are ye goin to talk to me now?" Jamie asked, "or just drink my whisky?"

Eleanor moved away from him, "Neither, James."

"I don't see what gives ye the right to be put out at me, right now."

"Jamie," Claire said, quietly.

Eleanor went to sit next to Murtagh and eyed his drink.

"Either get yer own, lassie and make the bairn go hungry or go take Jamie's again." He reached to hand her the blanket. "Yer shivering." He reached for her hands, "They are icicles, woman."

"Yes, I was cold upstairs," Eleanor said, not looking at Jamie. "So what are we going to do about this?"

"If we were to follow yer idea, Eleanor, mo ghraidh and Claire did stay," Jamie eyed her, "ye canna be a mother and unmarrit in the highlands."

"I could," Eleanor retorted, "it would just not be convenient."

"You could try the stones again," Murtagh said. "What if Claire told ye how it is done?"

"And leave the children?" Eleanor asked. "Rosie is two months. I couldn't even if I wanted to go back home...to my time."

"I thought ye said ye would choose Will," Jamie drawled.

"Not over my child who is still attached to my breast," Eleanor shot back, heatedly. "Or Mac. Or Sam. I was forced away from my children once before and I will not go through that again."

"Of course not," Murtagh patted her knee. "I dinna mean to imply ye would, lass."

"We could find ye a husband," Jamie said, his hands gripping the glass.

"How much did you have to drink?" Eleanor frowned at him.

"Too much," Murtagh said.

"Are ye as drunk as he?" Eleanor titled her head.

Murtagh shook his head, "I mainly just gave it to the lad. To get his head sorted."

"I do not think it is working," Claire offered. "There is only one thing to be done. I will return home. I took a chance and it did not work out."

"To be honest," Eleanor said, her heart twisting, "I do not know if I could ever truly be happy knowing I stood in the way of Jamie's happiness."

"Eleanor," Jamie's voice was hoarse. "Will ye not just talk to me?"

"I could find a husband..." Eleanor said. "You act like it is so absurd. Like no one would want me."

"I dinna say that," Jamie grunted. "Ye already have a husband."

"And you have two wives!" Eleanor retorted, "This isn't freaking Sister Wives."

"Sister wives?" Murtagh asked.

"Reality Television based on a polygamist family."

Claire choked on her whisky. "Do they actually make shows about that in your time?"

"Yes, it was quite entertaining. Will would get so irritated at me for watching it though."

"Ye havena told me about that one," Jamie grunted. "What kind of man...?"

"I don't think you are one to talk," Eleanor retorted. "I don't know who I could marry, but there has to be someone."

Murtagh put a hand on her knee. "I will marry ye, lass. If that is what is decided...for Claire to remain."

Eleanor turned to him. "You would do that?"

"Aye."

Eleanor met Jamie's eyes. He had gone pale.

"Eleanor, lass. I need to speak to ye before we make any decisions," his voice was husky.

"Jamie is right. Alot has happened today," Claire offered. "We cannot make any rash decisions."

Eleanor stood, "That means...you should stay. Until we can figure out what to do." She smiled wryly, "The good news is that we have options now to consider." Tears filled her eyes. "I need to go to bed."

"Eleanor, lass," Jamie stood. "Ye canna always let fear drive ye."

Tears spilled down her face. "Even if Claire was to leave, things wouldn't be the same, Jamie."

He opened his mouth to offer a fiery retort, but then closed it. "Ye should get some sleep lassie. That bairn will be up again soon."

She nodded, wiping her eyes. "Will you check on Sam and Mac when you get a chance?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded.

"Here," Murtagh stood as well. "I'll walk ye back to yer room with the lamp. Ye shouldna be traipsing through Lallybroch in the dark."

Murtagh guided her up the stairs to the door of her room. He reached out to grip her arm, turning her back towards him. "It is one matter to let Jamie go because ye love him. It is another matter to push him away because ye fear what he will choose. Ye must talk to him, lassie."

Eleanor's lip trembled. "Why did you say you would marry me?"

"I got ye into this, I should be the un to get ye out of it," Murtagh retorted, "And the lad is right. If Claire does stay, it is best fer all if ye marrit and marrit quickly."

"You like Claire, do you not?"

"Aye," Murtagh retorted, slowly, "I do."

She bit her lip, "Who do you think is best for Jamie?"

"I canna answer that, lassie," Murtagh said. "Ye both offer him different things."

"I'm a difficult person at times, Murtagh," Eleanor told him, "I'm emotional and unreasonable and sometimes I am my own worst enemy."

"Aye," Murtagh nodded, "I ken that weel. I also ken that ye are canny and sweet and funny and a gut mother and wife. If ye push us on this path, ye will have to bear the brunt of the pain, lassie. Can ye do that?"

"I may not have a choice but to do so."

He reached out to wipe her tears with the pad of his thumb. "Get some rest, lassie. Yer so shattered."

"Thank you for walking me up."

"Aye, of course," Murtagh said and nodded at her. "Rest weel, Eleanor."

She nodded and went into her room, closing the door behind her. She collapsed on her bed and sobbed herself to sleep.

Later, Jamie came back upstairs, checked on the wee lads and then snuck into their bedroom. He sat carefully on the bed next to her, not wanting to wake her.

Eleanor's hair was still plastered against her face.

"I'm verra sorry, my love," Jamie whispered to her, his hands brushing her hair away from her face. "I couldna shield ye from this. I wanted to...I would never want to hurt ye. When I said I would love ye until my dying breath, I meant it. Will ye no ever trust me again?"

Rosie began to fuss and Jamie jumped up and went over to his daughter. He knew that she had eaten not so long ago.

"Come with Da, mo leannan. Let's let mama rest some more."

He took her downstairs and laid her on his chest, Rosie settling back down to sleep with the warmth Jamie provided, Jamie talked to his daughter, spilling out his troubles to the bairn as he did with Jenny's bairn so many years ago on the eve of gong to war.

And then he prayed...for he did not know what else to do.

**A/N**: ahhh...so this was super hard, but it felt organic to the story. This story was always meant to be AU but also fit within Cannon. I almost went back on that idea, because so many of you really appreciated E & J's relationship. BUT...Thank you all for your continued reviews and hopefully you aren't too upset by the twist in the story. There will clearly be many more twists to come, so it's going to be quite a ride...


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: **Thank you all for the reviews! I always appreciate knowing your thoughts...a quick turn around this time...and a really looong chapter. Writing is relieving some stress this week. Thank you again!

**Chapter 19**:

A week passed and they had no closer come to a decision. In that time, Eleanor hadn't said two words to Jamie even with Jamie's repeated attempts to talk with her- pleading with her to just tell him what she was thinking and feeling. Finally, Jamie went to Murtagh to seek out the advice of his godfather.

"Does the lass still refuse to speak?"

"Aye," Jamie said, grimly. "When I said she should be marrit, I was poking at her," Jamie admitted, as he sat at the small table in the cottage of his godfather. "I dinna think she would actually take me seriously."

"I think she took ye seriously, lad," Murtagh said. "Ye ken how Ellie gets when her feathers are ruffled."

"She is already marrit...to me!" Jamie grunted. "Can she just not see reason?"

"But she does see reason," Murtagh said, quietly. "Ellie can be quite reasonable. She sees that in the eyes of the law and even of the church, Claire is yer wife. She kens she has no right to claim ye."

"No right to me?" Jamie was aghast. "She and I have three wee bairns together. Surely she dinna discount that."

"For Christ's sake, lad, she dinnae want a pity marriage...fer ye to stay with her out of obligation. She willna ever let that stand. Her pride is as big as yers and that is sayin somethin."

"She has to talk to me. I can no read her mind."

"She did tell ye that ye should be with Claire."

"I thought she was just reactin at the time...that she dinna truly mean it," Jamie let out a breath, "That when she thought over it more, that she would feel differently. But she is silent. I canna tell what she is thinkin."

"And if she does mean it, Jamie?" Murtagh leaned forward, "What will ye do?"

"I dinna ken. I am already worrit aboot the reaction to Claire's return. Ellie could bear the brunt of it...and our children. The gut Father has already paid us a visit. We tried to hide her return, but the news has spread."

"What has the gut Father said?" Murtagh drawled, sarcastically.

"That in the eyes of the church and the law, Claire is my wife."

"So kick Eleanor aside?" Murtagh grunted. "How is that right? Or Christian?"

"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, seriously, "But I would feel better if Eleanor and the children are protected if Claire does stay. How serious are ye about marryin her?" he asked, his voice low.

"I will do so," Murtagh nodded at his godson. "Willingly...if it comes to that."

"Why?"

"I care aboot the lass and the wee bairns as weel. I willna see them put low."

"Would ye...Forgive me," Jamie put a fist on the table, "Christ, this is hard."

"The handfasting vows are not binding if we dinnae consummate. Ye ken that as weel as I. It is what forced Ellie to yer bed the first day we met her."

"I remember," Jamie closed his eyes tightly. "She willna like it."

"I suspect not," Murtagh punctuated each word. "But I can handle Ellie, Jamie." He pointed a finger at him, "I suspect ye willna like it either."

"The thought of Eleanor with another...it pierces me," Jamie turned his head, his body shaking.

"I dinna take pleasure in this, lad," Murtagh said, gruffly, "But I will do right by the lass, if it comes to it."

"I canna get through to her. She is pushin me so hard away and into Claire's arms."

"She doesna want ye to stay with her out of pity," Murtagh said, again. "And if she is willing to step aside, then perhaps it is best."

"I made a vow to both women," Jamie responded. "How can I just ignore one fer the other?"

"The law and the church says that ye belong with one over the other," Murtagh said. "Perhaps that is the way ye choose as blasted unfair as it is to Eleanor."

"Eleanor and I have the wee uns together. They are so verra wee...and Eleanor has her hands full with them," Jamie said.

"We can all help Eleanor raise yer wee uns. Two of them are my godchildren," Murtagh pointed out, "And Sam is practically though I dinna ken what possessed Eleanor and ye to name the Englishman as godfather and give the wee un a verra English name."

"Oh Christ, Lord John," Jamie's forehead creased in worry, "He will have a conniption over this."

"I suggest ye refrain from writing him any time soon," Murtagh grunted. "He would probably challenge ye to a duel over Ellie's honor."

"Aye, I wouldna put it past him and more so, I'd deserve it," Jamie looked resigned, "What should I do?"

"Only ye can ken," Murtagh said, "What do ye feel is right..in yer heart?"

Jamie let out his breath, "I think Eleanor needs to decide fer yerself what she wishes to do. I will face the law and the church...if she decides that Claire should leave."

"Lad, ye canna put this on Eleanor's shoulders," Murtagh chided. "it is too much for her to bear. She will break."

"She won't even look at me any longer. I cannot go on like this. And Claire is getting restless. We have to bring harmony back to our family, Murtagh. Fer the wee un's sakes. Will ye not try to talk to her?"

"Aye," Murtagh scowled. "But it willna be easy."

* * *

Eleanor looked down at Rosie, who was nursing in her arms. "I do not know what to say."

Murtagh went to sit next to her. "Ye need to say what ye are thinking."

She swallowed hard. "What does Jamie say?"

"He says ye won't talk to him."

She closed her eyes, "It is too hard for me to be near him right now."

"What do ye think is best?"

"I know how heartbroken he was over Claire. They have that once in a lifetime kind of love."

"Do ye not feel the same can be said about ye and Jamie?" Murtagh asked.

"I simply don't know. All I know is the look on his face when he saw Claire again. She traveled through time to be with him. It's the stuff of the best books and movies. How can I be the spoiler to that?"

"I dinnae ken what ye mean."

"I mean I cannot stand in his way, Murtagh," Tears began to fall again. "This week, I have tried to put myself in Claire's shoes...and honestly, I am not sure I could have been brave enough to do what she has done...even for Jamie. She is his equal...and in spite of how strong and brave and witty and," her lip trembled, "passionate...I try to be...I can't compete with her. He took her into the battlefield with him...he would have taken her on his adventures with Lord John all those years ago. Jamie needs a women who can match him...and I cannot."

"Ye do yerself an injustice, Eleanor," Murtagh frowned. "Ye are all those things...ye just need to work up to them and ken who ye are...deep within ye. Have ye even asked Jamie what he wants?"

"He would never tell me," Eleanor said, softly. "I know that he would never willingly hurt me. It's why he is being so indecisive. And there are the children...he wouldn't be the man that he is...if he chose Claire over me...so I'm trying to do the brave thing." She picked up Rosie and patted her on her shoulder. "But I am not strong enough to face him...so...could you just..." she struggled to reign in her emotions, "tell him for me?"

"I will take care of it fer ye, Ellie," Murtagh said, reaching to squeeze her head.

"I'm sorry I am dragging you into this," Eleanor said, her voice low. "I do not want to put you in the middle. I have no where to go though."

"It isna like Jamie will kick ye and the bairns out," Murtagh retorted. "Lallybroch is yer home."

"I heard that Jamie got a visit from the Father. I do not think the church will tolerate me living under the same roof as Jamie and being unmarried," she bit her lip. "For the children's sake, I want them to stay at Lallybroch." She looked terrified for a minute, "They wouldn't insist on taking the children from me, would they?"

"Jamie would never let that happen, lassie," Murtagh said, his voice firm. "He would go to his death before he would allow the bairns to be taken from ye. But this time is not a gut or a just time to be a woman. And ye would be better off marrit than not, especially with three wee bairns to care fer."

"And are you sure about marrying me?" Eleanor said. "If I say I don't want Jamie out of pity or obligation..."

Murtagh touched her arm. "It isna pity, Eleanor. Ye are my friend. The mother of my godchildren. Of course, i will this fer ye. When do ye want to be marrit?"

Eleanor paled and then took a determined breath, "As soon as possible."

"Are ye quite certain, Eleanor?" Murtagh asked. "Ye are giving up so much."

"I'm giving it up for Jamie...how can I say I love him and not give him back his heart?" Eleanor asked, still watching the bairn.

"He'll want to talk to ye."

She shook her head. "Please do not force me to do that right now."

"Verra weel, lassie," Murtagh squeezed her hand. "I'm verra sorry, mo buidheag."

She forced a smile. "One day, I will understand why all of this happened...it just will not be today."

"No, I suspect not...and maybe not fer a verra long time."

* * *

"What did she say?" Jamie asked, his voice low.

"She wants ye to be happy with Claire."

"Oh Christ," Jamie put his head in his hands. "How do I make this right?"

Murtagh reached out to squeeze his shoulder, "Ye canna. Ye simply have to take it what it is and move on."

"But the wee uns," Jamie raised his head. "How can I look them in the eyes and do this to their mother?"

"I dinnae ken," Murtagh said, grimly. "The wee uns are young. It will affect Mac the most."

"Aye," Jamie frowned. "We were so happy. Eleanor was content."

"The village is already swarming with news, Jamie. It seems to have gotten worse since we last talked...if we dinnae right this situation, there will be a price to pay. And Eleanor will be the one declared to be at fault."

"Tis not fair," Jamie said, "She is blameless."

"Ye ken it is true."

"Aye, I do, but I can take us away. I told ye, I will face anything fer her."

"And then if that news spreads, the bairns will become more weel ken. With the prophecy, it could put unwelcome attention on her and the wee uns."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie let out his breath. "Is this truly what she thinks is best?"

Murtagh shrugged. "She explained to me her reason. I dinnae think I agree with her, but I dinnae think ye will convince her tis not true."

"If this happens, she cannot defy me at every turn."

"I will take care of it."

"I need to talk to her...I have to speak with her, Murtagh. I canna do this unless I do."

"She doesna want to..." Murtagh said, his voice gentle. "And I think ye have to respect her wishes."

Jamie swallowed hard, "Then..." he took a breath, "there is something we must discuss before..."

* * *

Jenny put her arms around Eleanor, "I love you verra much, sister."

Eleanor shook in her arms. "I love you too. Thank you for everything you have done for me."

"For what it is worth," Jenny pulled away from her and placed a hand on her cheek, patting it, "Jamie is going mad with worry right now, the thought of ye with another. He and Murtagh had a long chat and I dinnae ken what he said, but from what I gather, he was trying to protect ye."

"I had to," Eleanor let out a breath, "I had to for Jamie."

"We all ken," Jenny put her hands on her shoulders, "And now this is what ye have to do for yer bairns and fer yerself. I just dinna want ye to think it is easy for my brother, that he is just goin to fall back into it with her. He is goin to be a man pulled between two women for a long time."

She nodded, "Would you help Jamie with Rose? I think she should be fine for a few hours, but tell him that he is to bring her to me if she won't settle."

"Jamie is a gut da," Jenny said, "He will be fine with the bairns."

"He's the best," Eleanor let out her breath, "I could not bear for him not to be near his children."

"Jenny, lass," Ian gestured to her and Jenny squeezed her fingers, "Ye are stronger than ye ken," she leaned into whisper in her ear, "Ian told me that when yer were in labor with Sam and with Rosie, Murtagh couldna be settled. He was worse than Jamie. He cares fer ye, sister, and ye need to lean on him to get ye through this trial."

She nodded as her eyes wandered across the room to Murtagh. He smiled at her, a genuine, comforting smile and she nodded.

They had left them alone and Eleanor swallowed hard at the sound of the door closing. She went over to the table where the bouquet was sitting.

"I do not think I thanked you for these," she said, her throat dry. She coughed.

"Ye look like ye want the ground to swallow ye whole, lassie," Murtagh relied, frankly.

It was enough to break the tension that the developed between them during the handfasting ceremony. It was as if something in Eleanor snapped- the tight reign on her temper unraveled.

"Oh, God, leave it to you to be so damn blunt," Eleanor cried. "I do. I do want the ground to swallow me whole. I was a fool to fall in love with him so many years ago. I should have known this could have happened. How stupid can I be? I should have guarded my heart better."

"And spent the past five years in a loveless marriage? T'would not do."

"Yes!" Eleanor cried. "If to avoid the way I am feeling this moment, yes!"

"Ach, sweetheart," he crossed the room in three seconds to put his hands on her shoulders. "Ye have kept this inside fer days. Ye need to get it out of ye."

"If I do, I will not be able to stop."

"I have ye." She stiffened as he put his hand on her head, "Look at me. It's I. Ye trust me?"

She nodded, "You know I always have."

"Then let me care for you," he said, his voice low. "Come and let me hold ye for a while until yer heart is not so sore and raw. I even bathed for ye."

Eleanor's lip trembled and she laughed.

"There we are," Murtagh said, "that lovely laugh of yers. I willna do anything but hold ye, aye? Do ye not wish fer some comfort?"

"I am going to fall to pieces if you are sweet to me."

"I suspected as much," He opened his arms and she moved right into them, sobbing. "Let yourself cry, lassie. A long, hard cry. It's be best cure for this."

He moved with her to sit on the bed with her, holding her and she clinging against him. "I held it together for the children and for Jamie, so he would think I was okay. That this is what I wanted...it's the _last_ thing I wanted. I wanted him. I will always want him."

"Jamie kens ye well, lass. It is why I had to endure an hour lecture on how to best bed ye from my imp of a godson. I taught him what he kens about women, way back in the day."

"Did he really?" Eleanor raised her head in shock.

Murtagh put his finger under her chin, "Ye canna be surprised by that. Ye just had yer sweet wee lassie two months back. The lad loves ye verra much."

"He loves Claire."

"Aye, I ken. And there is the conundrum. She truly wanted to go back, ye ken."

"I know, I just couldn't bear for Jamie not to have his heart restored fully even if it meant that my heart is breaking now."

"Aye, cry cry, sweet lassie, let it out. All of our hearts are breaking, Jamie's included. Do not doubt that," Murtagh said, holding her tight. And she cried in his arms while he spoke gaelic to her, words of calm and comfort. And after a good long while had passed, he pulled away from her.

"We need to talk, now," Murtagh said. He went over to pour some water into a basin and wet a cloth to hand to her. "Rub yer face and be ready to listen."

She did as he said. "That's gut, lass. Now," he went over and sat next to her. "I dinnae think ye'll like what I have to say, but I need ye to heed my words."

She took a breath and let it out. "Go on."

"With me, ye can tell me precisely what ye are thinking and feeling. If ye need to cry or scream or if ye want to go and sulk, ye can do that with me. I will do my best fer ye, Eleanor, to get ye through this madness. And tis madness, the whole lot of it. And between ye and I, it can be different. I can give ye leeway, but when it comes to respectin Jamie as heid of this family, laird of our clan that we are forming together, ye have to. Ye canna pit him and I against each other, for the sake of the bairns, ye must abide. Ye can rail at me all ye wish, but..."

"But I have never abided by Jamie's wishes without argument, ever," Ellie interrupted, bluntly.

"But now with Claire, it's different."

She swallowed hard, "I know, but I do have a brain, you know. I may not be a doctor, but I am pretty smart."

"Aye, a fine canny mind if ever there was. So use it, lass," Murtagh said. "and...to make this all work, ye canna give yerself over to bitterness and despair."

"I don't know how not to," she admitted.

"Ye have to find a way for the sake of the wee uns," Murtagh told her, reaching out to squeeze her hand. "They need their mama and their da."

She closed her eyes and nodded. She made a fist and pushed it down on the bed. "Must we do this together? Can we say we did and just not?"

"I ken ye are scarrit of it..."

"I'm not scared of it," Eleanor interjected, her eyes opening wide.

"If ye are no scarrit of it, then what be the problem?" he asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Okay, I am a little scared of it," Eleanor admitted. "Not that I think you'll hurt me or anything. I'm just..."

"Ye are weary, I ken that weel, lass. But the word is spreading quickly aboot Claire's return. It is best if I put ye under my protection. We have to follow the handfastin."

Eleanor jumped, startled. "I'm not being blamed, am I? I didn't do anything wrong..."

"Tis a cruel time to be a woman, lass," Murtagh said, his voice gentle.

Eleanor blanched, "They won't arrest me, will they? The church...what they did to Claire back then...Jamie told me about it...I...Murtagh, the babies."

"All will be weel, lassie," Murtagh put his arm around her. "I promise ye."

Eleanor leaned down and buried her head in her hands. "I didn't do anything wrong."

"I ken that," he reached out to rub her back. "Will ye be well? I dinnae wish to force myself on ye especially when ye are feelin so raw."

Eleanor bit her lip. "No, I can do this," she took a breath. "It isn't forcing if I am allowing it. And I did it before with Jamie...it can't be any worse than that night. Trust me, it was awful."

Murtagh raised an eyebrow. "And at least ye havena traveled through time."

"Very true," She nodded, taking another breath. "'I'm sorry that I can't be more..." she paused, "accommodating."

"Dinnae fash," Murtagh kissed her forehead. "I'll snuff out the light. Go ahead and lie down."

Eleanor took a breath, and then another, but lied down, her head on the pillow. "I have a request if it wouldn't be too troublesome."

He came down on the bed beside her. "Aye?"

"Will you not hold my hand if you can manage?"

He chuckled, "Aye, I think I can manage that. Give me yer hand, sweet lass."

He took her hand in his and kissed it, his beard tickling it. "I won't let go."

"See that you don't," Eleanor said as the tears fell down her face. "I'm sorry...I can't stop...crying."

"Shh," he hushed her and then very gently kissed her tears away. "Close yer eyes."

She closed her eyes, "They do have a saying in my time, you know what it is?"

"I can only imagine," Murtagh said, wryly. "What is it?"

"Lie back and think of England."

Murtagh snorted, "And that is supposed to be a help? Tis a nightmare that is..."

Eleanor opened her eyes and giggled through her tears. "I thought you would appreciate that one," she said.

He laughed, "Aye, that I do. Lie back and think of England...what nonsense."

"I think it was meant to do your duty...some queen or something..." she frowned. "I'm not really sure. I should have paid more attention to things. Murtagh?" she squeezed his hand.

"Aye, lassie?"

"It's been hard for Jamie and I...after Rosie's birth."

"Aye, I ken all aboot it, did ye really think Jamie would not take care of ye, even in this? Dinnae fash lass. I will take care of ye. It isna been the first time I have done this."

He kissed her hand again and Eleanor closed her eyes, trying to gather her courage. He was true to his word- he was kind and gentle and compassionate, such a stark contrast to how gruff he usually was. But then he had always been that way with her...a true friend.

And when it was done, she turned on her side and buried her head in his chest. "I'm so glad you did bathe."

Murtagh chuckled. "Ye are verra blunt sometimes, lassie."

"I know," Eleanor said. "Speaking of that, do you think you can get Rosie for me soon. My breasts ache."

"So, I have to be the one to face my godson after bedding his love?" Murtagh scowled and then kissed her head. "Aye, I will be back in a few minutes with the bairn."

He left her alone and she turned and wept into the pillow, unable to be brave any longer.

* * *

Eleanor fed Rosie and then wept further. She fell asleep and when morning rose, she fed Rosie again, but then laid the bairn in bed beside her.

"Eleanor," Murtagh sat on the bed, "Are ye not coming?"

She look at him and shook her head. "I can't. I want to sleep. I'll keep Rosie with me. Ask Jamie if he will watch Mac and Sam. Tell him I will see them soon."

But the hours soon turned into days with Eleanor refusing to leave the cottage. Mac and Sam would come and play with her and she would hold it together for them, but the minute they left, she would fall apart again. Murtagh realizing how broken she actually was, didn't force her out...and simply held true to his promise, to let her do whatever she needed to get through this trial. Jenny would bring meals and coax her to eat, but Eleanor was becoming frail.

After a week, Jenny went to Jamie and Claire.

"Ye have to do somethin, brother."

Claire's face wrinkled in concern as she handed Mac more blocks to build. "Did you try the tea?"

"Aye, I tried the tea. Tea isna goin to heal this," Jenny said, "Jamie, ye have to go to her. Find someway to soothe her soul."

"She doesna want to see me," Jamie let out a breath.

Murtagh came into the room. "I agree with yer sister, lad. I have tried. I canna get her out of it."

"What is wrong with Mama?" Mac asked, putting his blocks together.

Jamie went to kiss his son's head. "Mama is fine."

"She doesna look fine," Mac told him. "She's sad all the time. Mama was always happy before."

"Aye," Jamie went to lift his son up into his arms. "Dinna fash, lad," he held him tight, "I promise yer Mama will be fine."

"Is it because Claire is back?" Mac asked, "And now she is marrit to Murtagh?"

"I ken this must be confusing," Jamie said. "But one day, ye and I will sit down and talk more about this. Just ken that ye are loved Mac...now just by a whole lot more people than before." He put them down and swatted his bottom, "Off ye go, my wee un. Go see if ye can find Ian."

They watched him go and Claire turned to Jamie, "It could be serious...this melancholy, Jamie. Rosie is so young. We have to watch her carefully."

Jamie looked aghast, "What are you worrit aboot?"

Claire pulled him to the side while Murtagh went to talk to Jenny, distracting her.

"She could have depression that women get after their bairns are born. Sometimes it presents later and given the life altering events that have occurred, she is vulnerable to it."

"What can we do?"

"I don't have anything that can treat it...during this time. We can try more herbs. But I think you need to talk to her. Maybe it simply her way of dealing with everything that happened and it isn't something more serious. You know her better than anyone. See if you can figure it out."

"Aye, I'll try," Jamie looked resigned.

* * *

Jamie sat on the bed with her. "Lass, I need ye to talk to me. What is happenin with ye?"

Eleanor turned to stare at him. "Have you slept with her yet?" her tone was expressionless.

Jamie's expression turned pained, "Do not do this, Eleanor," his tone was sharp. "We have three bairns that need us to be...at peace with one another...to explain to them what their new world will be like. Mac is scarrit and Sam wants to ken where ye are."

"Is she what you remembered?" Eleanor asked, the same tone devoid of emotion. "It was special between the two of you, wasn't it?"

Murtagh shuffled his feet from his stance at the door. "Fer Christ's sake," he grunted and Jamie glanced back at him.

"I canna even dignify that with an answer," Jamie's voice was stern.

"But it was," Eleanor said, "That means I chose right, does it not?" She closed her eyes.

Jamie reached out and squeezed her arm, "Ye need to get yerself out of bed and be the mother to our children that I ken ye are."

"So, it _is_ done," she whispered. "Are you happy, James?"

"Eleanor..." Jamie's voice held his sorrow. "_Please._"

"I can't leave this cottage. I can't face the world any longer."

"How long are ye going to do this?" Jamie asked.

Eleanor put the pillow over her head. "Until I decide not to. And futhermore, _ye canna_ do a _thing_ about it, James Fraser."

Jamie got back up and went past his godfather. "If she can give it to me that gut, I doubt it is what Claire says. Give her a few more days to sort it out," he advised. "And I'll try again."

* * *

"Where is Mac?" Eleanor asked Murtagh when he deposited Sam on the bed next to her a few days later.

"He is feelin poorly," Murtagh said.

Eleanor sat up. "What do you mean he's feeling poorly?"

"His throat is sore and he has a fever."

"How long has this been going on?" Eleanor asked, her eyes filled with concern.

"Since last night," Murtagh responded.

"It started last night and no one thought to get me?" Eleanor asked, aghast.

"He havena left this cottage fer days. Perhaps, we dinna think ye could handle it."

Eleanor titled her head. "He's my son, Murtagh."

"Aye, I ken," he retorted. "But ye havena been yerself."

Eleanor wanted to offer a heated rebuttal, but she realized he was being fair. "How bad is it?"

"I dinnae ken."

Eleanor got up and reached for her dress. "We need to keep Sam and Rosie away from the house. Can you watch them here?"

"Aye, of course," Murtagh said.

Eleanor twisted up her hair in a bun and rushed around the cottage. She went to leave but then turned on her heels and went back to Murtagh.

"I've been incredibly selfish. I just couldn't get myself out of it. The pain...it rivals the pain I had when I was taken from Will and the kids. It consumed me."

"Aye, I ken. But ye still have yer wee uns, Ellie."

"I know. Will you forgive me?"

"Tis nothin to forgive," Murtagh leaned to kiss her cheek. "Just dinnae make a habit of it or I will be far less generous with ye."

"Fair enough," She nodded. "I told you I was difficult."

"Aye, but it wasna unjustified," he said. "Go on and check on Mac. Give him a hug from his godfather," he said as he picked up Sam who was starting to get into his things.

"I will do that. Are you sure you'll be alright? Rosie just ate."

"Go on with ye. I can handle the wee rascals," he hung Sam upside down causing him to giggle.

With a quick kiss on Sam's head, Eleanor left to find her son.

* * *

Eleanor pushed open the door to Mac's room.

"Mama," he whispered. "Mama, I dinna feel gut."

"My love," Eleanor reached to take him in his arms. "I'm so sorry you are feeling unwell."

"Claire has been helpin me," Mac said.

Eleanor looked over to where Claire was standing. She had been sitting by the bed but got up when Eleanor entered the room.

"Thank you," she said. She felt Mac's head. "He is burning up. What can we do?"

"We can try to get his fever done. His throat looks..." she paused, "well, it is very inflamed."

"Like he has strep?" Eleanor asked, her arms tight around Mac as she reached over to take the wash cloth and blot his forehead.

Jamie stepped forward, "What is that?"

"Putrid throat," Claire clarified for Jamie.

Jamie looked scared. "Are ye certain?"

"What is it?" Eleanor frowned at Jamie's panic. He was always so steady.

"It is highly contagious, lassie," Jamie said. "And ye are nursing the wee un. Mac is a braw lad, he can fight it, but Rosie?"

Eleanor looked up at him. "I can't very well leave Mac so ill, Jamie."

Jamie frowned, "I ken. I just want to protect all the wee uns. Rosie is two months old, mo ghraidh."

Eleanor paused at Jamie's continued use of her name. Her heart softened towards him. She turned to Claire.

"What would you do, Claire?" Eleanor asked.

"I think Jamie is right," Claire said. "I know it is hard. But I am a doctor. I can care for Mac. And if it gets worse, I have something I know that will help, but I want to save it in case this spreads."

"Did you bring penicillin?" Eleanor asked, her eyes wide.

"Yes," Claire nodded. "But I do not have much of it."

She bit her lip. "Would you be willing to use it on us?"

"Of course," Claire said. "Mac is family, Ellie. I would happily use it on him."

Relief flooded Eleanor. Ever since she had found out that she was pregnant with Mac, she had been concerned for the first illness...for the high child mortality rate.

"Thank you!" Jumping up, Eleanor went over to her and put her arms around her. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "I've been so jealous and hateful. It is not your fault. It is no ones fault. It just is. I don't think we can ever be best friends or anything, but...it's never been about you."

Claire stiffened but then returned the hug. "You should not be so hard on yourself, Eleanor," Claire said, softly in her ear.

"Please take care of my boy. Mac is so special. He always has been."

Claire pulled away, "Of course, I will," she said, quietly. "Say your goodbyes. And then when you leave. Ye need to get the whisky and disinfect. Change your dress."

She nodded. "I know what to do. I am a wee bit of a hypochondriac."

"Are you?" Claire made a face, "And you got thrust into this time?"

"Ironic, huh?"

"Very much so," Claire smiled at her.

"I will stay too," Jamie said.

"Are you sure you should take the risk?" Eleanor asked.

"Aye, he is my son too, Ellie."

She nodded and went to where Mac was watching her. "Am I verra sick, mama?" he asked.

"Yes," Eleanor reached to put him in her lap. "But Da and Claire are going to care for you. I want to be here, but because of Rosie..."

"Ye canna get her sick because she could die," Mac said.

"Yes, but.." Eleanor hugged him tightly, "Claire is going to take care of you. And she is so super smart. She is a doctor. We are blessed she is here. Mama wouldn't know what to do."

"But ye always ken what to do."

"Oh, Mac," Tears filled Eleanor's eyes, "Do you know how precious you are to me? I know I have not been a good mama these past few weeks, but I love you so much. You are the gift I didn't know I needed, but God gave you to me because he knew how much I needed you...so very desperately."

"Do ye and Da still love each other...even though ye are marrit to other people?"

Jamie sat next to them on the bed and Claire slipped out with the basin of water.

"Mama and I will always love each other, Mac," Jamie said, firmly. "And we will try better about keeping things peaceful fer ye and yer brother and sister, won't we, lass?"

Eleanor nodded, "I can't promise you entirely, Jamie."

"I ken," Jamie responded. He reached over to squeeze her hand. "Mac, may I hold ye for a while?"

Mac nodded.

"Maybe," Eleanor gave him one more hug before putting Mac in Jamie's arms, "Da can read the storybook Lord John sent us. Would you like that?"

"Aye, I would. I'd like that verra weel, mama."

"Good, my sweet boy. Now rest up and listen to Da and Claire, yes?"

"Yes, mama," Mac said.

Eleanor gave one more look at Jamie holding her son, before going downstairs to disinfect and then head back to her other children.

* * *

"Ye are worrit about Mac, aren't ye?" Murtagh asked as Eleanor rubbed Sam's back on the makeshift pallet, trying to help him go to sleep. He kept tossing and turning. Rosie squawked from her cradle.

"I got the lass," Murtagh said as he picked her up. "She needs to be changed."

"Ah," Eleanor began to move away from Sam but then he started jumping up. "Lie back down, Samuel John," Eleanor said, firmly.

"No sleep. No wanna sleep."

Eleanor looked to Murtagh and let out a long breath.

"I got him, lassie," Murtagh said. "Lie down, Sam. Now." he pointed to the pallet and Sam immediately dropped.

Eleanor's mouth dropped. "How do you do that?"

Murtagh winked at her and went over to the boy's side. He put his hand on his back, heavy, but comforting. Eleanor picked up Rosie and started to change her on the bed. She fed her and rocked her. She fell asleep and Eleanor eased her back into the cradle.

"Is Sam?"

"Aye, he's asleep," Murtagh said. "Come, ye need to sleep as well."

She climbed into bed with him. "I am worried about Mac," she whispered.

"Claire is a fine healer," Murtagh said, "she will care fer the boy."

"Sometimes, I feel so much despair."

"Aye," Murtagh reached out to touch her hand. "Yer cold again."

"I'm always cold. I'm so used to different weather. Even after five years, Scotland is raw."

"Come closer than."

Eleanor shifted closer to him. "Tell me Mac will be fine."

"I canna say fer sure," Murtagh said. He kissed her head. "Go to sleep, lassie. Things will look better in the morning."

She nodded. "The babies will be up in the night."

"Aye," Murtagh grunted. "I have no doubt. So sleep now, lass."

Eleanor closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

And when she woke up, she found that Mac had taken a turn...thanks to the power of modern medicine...And for the first time, Eleanor felt that maybe she could...for that moment...understood why.

* * *

And so the weeks passed- and the seven of them were getting adjusted to their new normal. With a few blips here and there where things were contentious between Ellie and Jamie, but it was though times that Murtagh would force her to yield, straining their own relationship. But he also stayed true to his word to let her figure out how to proceed and to be that steady presence for her.

But then one day...everything changed again.

It had started as a normal day- Sam and Mac were causing mischief, Rosie was particularly demanding. Eleanor lost her temper with them, which caused a temper tantrum for both the boys. Eleanor calmed them down and then went to gather the lunch to take out to Murtagh and Jamie. Jenny was gone visiting her newest wee granbairn and Claire had gone to pick some herbs near where Murtagh and Jamie were working. Young Ian was home and seeing his favorite auntie was distressed offered to watch the bairns for a few minutes while she took out the meal to Jamie and Murtagh.

They had greeted her with thanks, Murtagh giving her an appreciative kiss on the cheek. And she returned to the house...it was so ordinary. So typical. It could have happened every day.

But what greeted her was far from ordinary.

"Mac? Sam? Ian? Where are you?" Eleanor called. "Da says hello and that you both need to..." she stopped in her tracks. The blocks they had been playing with were strewn about...Rosie's blanket lay tossed on the floor, the cradle empty.

"Ian?" Eleanor called. "I need you to answer me!" She climbed the stairs to their room. Nothing seemed out of place. She came back down the stairs and nearly tripped.

It was Sam's stuffed bear- given as a gift from his godfather- ripped into shreds. Out of the corner of her eye, a piece of parchment laid on the ground. Eleanor stooped down and picked it up. Her mind raced- she didn't know how it was all connected, but Jamie- Jamie would.

Eleanor couldn't breathe- the dread and panic that filled her was like anything she had ever experienced. It was akin to her falling through time- she felt so disoriented. She had to get to Jamie. Jamie would know what to do.

"JAMIE!" She ran...she ran as fast as she could. "JAMIE!"

Jamie looked up and began to run out to greet her, Murtagh close on his heels. "Eleanor!"

He reached her and later would say that the expression that Eleanor had on her face would be etched in his mind to his dying day. It was like being on the battlefield, right before a man knew that he was meeting his death at his hand. Jamie's heart raced.

"Eleanor, lass," Jamie gripped her arms. "What is the matter?"

Eleanor choked, out of breath and terrified. "I..." she swallowed hard and shook her head.

Claire dropped her herbs coming towards them as well.

Jamie shook her. "Ye are scarrin me. What is the matter?" He moved his hands to her face, gripping it and forced her to look at him. "Look at me. In the eyes. I have ye now. There you are, mo ghraidh. Tell me. What is wrong?"

"The children..." Eleanor heaved, "they're gone."

"They are probably just hidin...tryin to fool ye," Jamie told her. "It is nothin to fash over."

"Rosie, too?" Eleanor asked, shaking her head. "No, there is more. Sam's bear...it's torn. Ripped to shreds. And there is this..." Eleanor handed him the parchment, Murtagh coming closer to his godson's side to see.

Jamie looked at Murtagh whose eyes lit with fury. Jamie let out a roar, ripped himself away from her and ran to the house. Murtagh running after him.

Claire stayed with her, putting her around Eleanor, who was leaning over...out of breath from running and her sheer panic.

"Who could have done this?" Eleanor heaved. "Why would somebody want to do this?"

"What was on the parchment?" Claire asked.

"Just a white Rose," Eleanor responded. "What could that mean?"

"It's the Jacobite symbol, Ellie," Claire's voice was grave.

And it was at that moment, that Eleanor realized that losing Jamie was nothing compared to this. This was her worst nightmare coming true. History had repeated itself and once again, she felt herself being torn away from the ones that she loved the most.

And it was a feeling that she didn't know how she could bear for a second time.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N**: Another chapter...I had a burst of writing energy, but we'll see how it goes after this one. So I really do get the mixed reviews from the last chapter. And just know how much I appreciate feedback...negative and positive. So.. As much as I wanted to keep Ellie and Jamie happy and settled, the whole premise of the story was to fill in the gap years and how different those years would be if Jamie DID fall in love and how that would affect the overall story and plot. I wanted to send Claire packing, but that wouldn't be much of a story. Just to be clear: This isn't definitely NOT a Murtagh story (they are not end game at all); in fact there will be many twists still to come...but it is about family...and love and loyalty. A fair warning: one minor character from early chapters will start taking more of a prominent role (you might be able to guess)...

**Chapter 20**

Eleanor sat by the fire, staring at it. They packed and traveled right away- leaving a note for Jenny and Ian...hoping the trail would not run cold. But it was starting to drizzle...as it usually did in Scotland.

Eleanor hadn't said anything to anyone. Jamie had tried to suggest that she stay home. She knew that he thought that she couldn't handle this...but Murtagh insisted on her coming along. She had remained quiet after that, trying to process all that had happened in the past few hours...but still unable to wrap her mind around it. Traveling through time even seemed more conceivable than this...there must be something she was missing. Jamie and Murtagh had being talking to each other in Gaelic in hushed tones all evening.

Claire came up to her, a hot cloth in her hand. She knelt beside her.

"I tried to add some herbs...it will stop the pain."

Eleanor nodded, knowing full well what she meant. She had skipped multiple feedings now and her breasts ached, only adding to the ache of her heart. Knowing her baby needed her as much as she needed her.

"But what if..." Eleanor's voice cracked. "What if we find her and she needs me?"

Claire reached out to touch her arm, gently. "You are no good to the children if you get sick from an infection."

"What will happen to her without me there to feed her? She is so little," Eleanor buried her head in her hands.

Jamie glanced over to them and stopped his conversation to Murtagh to watch and listen. He was deep in his own grief, but used it to be ready to take action. The solider in him had taken over- he was barking orders and planning strategy. And yet, he hadn't considered that Rosie was now without her mother to feed her and the pain Ellie must be in as a result. He vividly remembered when Ellie skipped feedings with the bairns- maybe the bairn slept longer that day, maybe they were too fussy to eat...and how difficult that was on her- both physically and emotionally.

"I don't know," Claire said. "But...we have to hope." She handed her the cloth. "Take it. You must feel so uncomfortable."

Jamie turned to Murtagh. "I didn't even think of that...the poor lass," he murmured to him. "How much more does she have to bear?"

Eleanor took the cloth and slid it into her shirt. "Thank you for thinking of this. Truly."

"Of course. We will have to do it a few more times. It is best if you try to get some out..." her voice trailed off, keenly aware that Jamie was watching them.

Eleanor nodded and Jamie turned to whisper in Murtagh's ear. Murtagh whispered back and Jamie nodded.

Claire handed some tea to Eleanor. "You haven't eaten anything, Ellie. You should at least try to drink the tea. You don't want to be too weak to ride."

"Will you sit next to me while I do?" Eleanor asked.

"Of course, I will," Claire retorted and settled next to Eleanor on the log.

Eleanor took a sip of the tea. "How well do you understand Gaelic?" she asked.

"Fairly well," Claire responded. "But they are whispering so I can't make out what they are saying."

"Jamie wasn't able to speak Gaelic around me- it was outlawed. He only spoke phrases to me, so I can't follow what they are saying."

"I rather think that was the point of speaking it and in such a low volume, don't you?"

She nodded. "I suppose so. I just hate that he doesn't trust me. I need to know what is going on."

"I don't think it has anything to do with trust- he doesn't want to add to your pain."

Eleanor looked at Claire. "How can anything he tell me be worse than what I am feeling right now?"

Claire reached out to put an arm around her.

"All he is doing is barking orders. Our children are missing."

"I think it is too hard for him to do anything else," Claire murmured. "He has to be strong for all of us."

"But he doesn't..." Eleanor said, her voice low. "It's tearing him up inside."

"I know it is," Claire responded.

Murtagh stood and walked over to her. "Eleanor, lass. Let's go for a walk."

Eleanor looked at him, questioning. "It's dark."

"We'll take the lantern. We are not goin far," Murtagh said, offering his hand. "Come now. I wllna bite."

"I'm not worried about you...more about the animals out there."

"Do ye not trust me to protect ye?" Murtagh asked. "Come with me. I wish to speak with ye."

"Very well," Eleanor finished her tea and then handed the cup back to Claire. She took his hand and he pulled her up. Putting his arm around her waist the walked a bit of a distance from Jamie and Claire. He put the lantern down as she leaned against a tree.

"You have been verra quiet, lass," Murtagh said.

"I should not have left them," Eleanor said, her lip trembling.

"Tis not yer fault, m'eudail," he said, his voice low. "Dinnae think fer a moment that tis yer fault."

"I'm trying to be brave," Eleanor told him. "But...they are so very little. What if something happens to them before we can find them?"

"We are goin to find them. I swear it to ye."

Eleanor nodded and tried to reel in her emotions. She took another breath. "Thank you for insisting I come. I couldn't be left behind."

"Aye, I ken," Murtagh said. "But if there is a time I need ye to stay put, will ye?"

"Of course."

"Ye promise?"

"Yes, I promise," Eleanor said, nodding seriously.

"Verra gut," Murtagh said.

"Now," he looked at her, evenly. "Do ye need my help with somethin, lass?"

Eleanor startled, "Did Jamie tell you to ask me?"

"Aye."

Her heart tore and yet, she nodded.

And later, they went back to the join the others by the fire before retiring to bed.

* * *

Eleanor awoke to the sound of a baby crying. She shot up in her pallet. Murtagh stirred but didn't wake.

"Rosie," She whispered and got up. "Rosie." She strained her ears to hear again, but she was met with silence. She grasped the blanket that she had taken with her and fallen asleep holding and began walking away from the camp.

"Eleanor," Jamie turned over and pushed himself up, running quickly after her to catch up. "Stop, lass." He grabbed her arm and turned her around.

"Ye canna be wandering in the night, mo ghraidh. Tis not safe."

Eleanor startled. "I just..." she paused. "Hold on a second."

She stayed very still, trying to hear the noise that woke her up. She strained her ears, but hard as she tried, she couldn't hear the noise that woken her up.

"What is it?" Jamie asked.

"It's nothing. I'm sorry I woke you," Eleanor responded, tears splashing down her face.

"I was already awake. I couldna sleep," Jamie said. "What were ye listening for?"

"I..." Eleanor struggled, "I heard a baby crying, Jamie. I swore it was Rosie."

His intake of breath was sharp. "Ye are so used to it...being woken up every night to Rosie's cries."

"It's like muscle memory."

"Aye," Jamie said.

"I swore. I thought she was here."

Jamie reached out a hand and then gestured for her to sit on a nearby fallen branch. Eleanor sat down and he went to retrieve the flask.

"Have some, lass," Jamie said and gave it to her. "It will calm yer nerves."

She took a swig, the whisky burning down her throat. "Thank you," she coughed.

Jamie sat next to her.

They sat next to each other in silence for a few minutes, when Jamie finally reached for her hand, holding in between both of his. Eleanor didn't say anything nor did he. They sat for a long while, Jamie holding on to her hand tightly, both of their minds plagued with worry for the children they shared. Finally Eleanor broke the silence, unable to stand it.

"I yelled at them, Jamie," Her voice cracked. "I lost my temper this morning."

"Mo ghraidh, no," Jamie let out a long breath. "If I ken our sons, they most likely deserved it," he said, seriously.

"They did, but...is that the last memory they will have of their mother?" Tears splattered down her face, "I love those boys. I love them so fiercely. Do they know?"

"Ach, lass," Jamie reached to pull her into his arms, wrapping her up in them. "There is no doubt, mo ghraidh. Of course ye do. Ye are a fine mama."

"There are moments I am not."

"Leannan, no parent is infallible. We try to do our best by them. And we might fail at times. Dinna beat yerself over it. I beg of ye. They ken how much ye love them."

"We have to find them," Eleanor cried against him. "I can't lose them. At least I know Harry and Charlotte are safe...but our children...I don't know that they are. What if something happens to them? They must be so scared."

He kissed her head. "I willna stop until our bairns are safe in our arms," he shifted her so he could see her in the moonlight. "I ken that I dinnae deserve yer trust," he wiped her eyes with his thumb, "but fer the sake of the man ye once ken, I entreat ye to believe me...I will fulfill my vow to ye, mo ghraidh. I will see our children safe."

She nodded. "I believe you." She reached for his hand again, "But as I have trusted you, I need you to trust me."

"With what?"

"You and Murtagh are talking in Gaelic. Keeping things from me. I have to understand _why_."

"I am trying to protect ye."

"Jamie," she squeezed his hand. "You cannot any longer. Please. I need to know. What is going on? Why was there a Jacobite symbol left behind? What does that mean?"

"I have a theory," Jamie said. "One that has been 5 years in the making. Do ye no remember our trip to Edinburgh?"

"Of course. Lord John said he needed your help. You left me for months to aid him."

"I wasna aiding him...more that he was aiding me...us."

Eleanor frowned. "With what?"

"The cause...it has been a curse on our people. But people still believe in it...believe enough to do treacherous things...to see Scotland restored...to have our King to be out from under the grip of the English."

"Charles Stuart."

Jamie shrugged. "Maybe not necessarily him. But someone."

"Okay," Eleanor titled her head. "What does this have to do with us? With our children?"

Jamie gripped her hand, tightly, "Because there is a prophecy...that the rightful King will be restored from branch of the Frasers of Lovat...my clan. My family."

Eleanor chewed on her lip. "But you have other family. The Frasers are a big clan, yes?"

"They were...but the war took my grandsire...my cousin...I am the only survivor. I...and Mac, Sam, and Rosie. And Brianna and Willie, but no one kens about them."

Eleanor's mouth dropped. "So someone thinks that our children will somehow rescue Scotland from the English? It's absurd."

"Children grow up, lass. And if they are trained to believe...to fulfill their destiny...then, aye, I think it is plausible that one would think the prophecy could come true."

"So who would do this?"

"That I dinnae ken," Jamie said. "But we will find them. And there will be a price to pay."

She bit her lip. "But the good news is...if they believe that they will fulfill this destiny...they won't hurt them."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "It had to be a verra calculated plan. My only concern is that they will remove them from Scotland."

"Where would they take them?"

Jamie shrugged. "That could be anywhere, lass."

"And what about Ian?"

"If I ken my nephew, he wouldna let them take the bairns and not him. He would feel like he would need to be there to protect them."

"My sweet Ian..." Eleanor closed her eyes. "That boy. I love him so."

"As does he love ye, lass."

Eleanor swallowed hard. "Thank you for telling me the truth...even if it is five years later."

"Aye," Jamie frowned, "I should have told ye sooner. I'm sorry, mo ghraidh. It was kindly meant, but I should have been honest considerin it was about our bairns. Forgive me?"

The tears continued to fall. "Of course, Jamie. Will you forgive me for..." she stopped herself, it being too hard for her to continue.

"What is it?" Jamie asked, his voice tender. "Tell me."

"I...I should have talked to you...before. My silence...it didn't honor the past five years we've had...and I tried to do the right thing and I really botched it up, didn't I?"

"There is nothin to forgive," Jamie kissed her hand. "Ye did what ye thought was best. Ye should get some sleep. We ride hard in the morning."

"You as well then."

"Of course."

"Thank you for sitting with me."

He nodded. "Go on, lass."

She left him to went to crawl up next to Murtagh, leaving Jamie to bury his head in hands.

* * *

In the morning, Fergus had joined the party, having ridden all night to catch up with them. They rode hard for days and days until they found themselves near the sea. Jamie and Murtagh went out to the port while Eleanor and Claire stayed inside the inn.

Eleanor rubbed her temples.

"Do you have a headache?" Claire asked.

"Yes," she closed her eyes. "I would love some motrin right now."

"I have some tea that can help ease it," she offered. "I can brew it for you. Why don't you lay down?"

"Thank you," Eleanor said, gratefully. She laid down on the bed and closed her eyes. Flashes of her children's faces appeared. She opened her eyes.

"What is it?" Claire asked from where she was mixing things.

"Thinking about the children..." Eleanor said, scooting herself up. "We are just guessing at this point, going off the belief that they will be taken out of the country...we don't know anything for sure...we lost the trail days ago."

"Jamie and Murtagh believe this is the most reasonable course."

"But what if they are wrong?" Eleanor responded.

"Jamie would say that we have to keep faith."

Eleanor bit her lip, "My faith is weak right now. I do not even know what I believe."

Claire paused, "It is natural to question when you experience something like this. When I lose a patient, I often wonder about it...and when I lost..." her voice trailed off.

Eleanor met her eyes. "Faith?"

"Did Jamie tell you about her?"

"He did," Eleanor responded.

"It was a long time ago," Claire kept working.

"But then you never do forget, do you?"

"No, you never do..." Claire said. "What do we have but to wait and hope and believe?"

"Even if that belief is folly?"

"So many things are beyond reason," Claire said. "Falling through time for instance."

"Yes, there is that," Eleanor twisted her hands. She went to look out the window. "I wish they would come back."

"Come have some tea," Claire went over to guide her back to sit. "It will help you."

"How do you do it?" Eleanor asked.

"Do what?"

"Be so strong all the time?"

Claire gave a smile, "I'm not strong all the time. I just hide it well."

"We will find them, right?"

"Jamie will not rest until we do, Ellie," Claire assured her. "Now we wait. And we hope."

"We wait and we hope," Eleanor repeated, sipping her tea.

* * *

The men came back hours later.

"What news do you have?" Eleanor asked as they got settled in with their supper.

"Have you eaten?" Jamie asked, sharply. "Ye look pale."

Eleanor shrugged. "I had a headache earlier. I didn't feel like eating."

Murtagh glanced at her. "Sit down and eat now, lassie. Ye need yer strength."

"Very well," Eleanor sat with them and Claire at the table in the room. "So..."

Jamie teared off a piece of bread and dipped it into the stew. "We leave tomorrow for France."

Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "France?"

"Aye, France," Murtagh wrinkled his nose.

"So...the children were taken to France?"

"No," Jamie said, "but we need to make contact with my cousin Jared. He can arrange passage on one of his sea vessels."

"To where?" Eleanor asked.

"The West Indies," Jamie said. "We believe they were put on a ship bound for there."

"But there are so many islands in the West Indies," Eleanor wrung her hands. "How will we find them?"

"Let's just take it one step at a time, Ellie," Claire said, seeing how tired Jamie was. Jamie looked between women and then fixed his eyes on Eleanor.

"Claire is right, lass. There is nothin more we can do," Jamie said. "Fergus will gather men from Ardsmuir that are still spread through Scotland. We need men we trust."

Eleanor swallowed hard. "But surely all of this will take time. And the children...a sea voyage with all the illness and..." she paused.

"Eleanor," Jamie retorted sharply, "I canna think on that and I suggest ye stop as weel. It does us no gut to think those things."

Eleanor's eyes had filled with tears. "Don't be so harsh, Jamie."

Jamie ignored Claire's warning look. "I'm sorry, lass. But I need ye to be strong. And if ye canna be strong, I need ye to go home to Lallybroch."

"Lad," Murtagh's rebuke was swift, "she is tryin. They are her bairns."

Jamie's expression softened as Eleanor's tear stained face. "Forgive me, Ellie. I spoke out of turn. Of course, ye are doin yer best. It has been a long day and tryin day, tis all."

"No, you are right," Eleanor said, "I let my anxiety get the best of me. i know you are doing the best you can."

Jamie nodded, his acceptance, but Eleanor didn't speak for the rest of the night, the tension still evident.

And when she and Murtagh retired to their own room, she began to undress for bed.

"Do you think I am not strong enough to do this?" she asked as she threw her clothes on the chair and went to get in between the covers.

Murtagh crawled into bed with her. "Ye are strong enough. And ye willna be alone."

She turned around on her side to talk to him.

"I never wanted adventure like this...the thought of going on a ship scares me. But I will do anything to hold my babies once again."

"I ken," he reached out to touch her face, "Dinna mind the lad, Eleanor. He is in a bad way right now."

She nodded. "I know that. It just hurts...the whole thing."

"Aye, I ken," Murtagh said. "Rest, lassie. Tomorrow, we go to France. And then on to the West Indies..."

"The New World," Eleanor mused. She sighed, "it seems like we are looking for a needle in a haystack."

"Aye," Murtagh agreed, "But what else can we do?"

* * *

_Months Later:_

Eleanor felt the sand sink beneath her. She never thought she'd be able to feel dry land again. The sun glared in her face and she put a hand to shield her eyes as she walked towards Jamie and Claire, Murtagh by her side.

"Ellie," Claire hopped up from her spot, her arm wrapped.

"How are you, Claire?" Eleanor asked, stepping forward and giving the woman a hug. "What happened to your arm?" She pulled back. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I just cut it trying to get to the shore...when I heard a ship had come ashore, I had to check and I was a little overzealous."

"We thought you were..." Eleanor's voice trailed off as she frowned. She glanced at Jamie.

"Yes, Jamie told me," Claire said. "I cannot believe the ship sunk. It was such a risk to jump earlier, but I did not know what else to do."

"Why did you try to get off?"

"There was a man on the ship who claimed that Jamie..." Claire's eyes met Jamie's, "Well, it does not matter now, does it?"

"It's a miracle," Jamie said, "ye have been saved a second time."

Eleanor nodded, taking a cleansing breath, fighting her nausea, "Jamie is right- it is a miracle. But you must have been on this island for weeks, since we were stuck with no wind for so many weeks."

"Yes," Claire said, "I've been taken care of. But it is an odd place. I can't wait to get off of it. I was getting a bit unnerved."

"It's not on the map," Eleanor said. "Where do you think we are?"

"Somewhere in the Atlantic, lass," Jamie responded.

"Way to state the obvious, Fraser," Eleanor said, wryly.

"Aye, I suppose that was obvious," he said, a bit sheepishly.

The wind swirled up her cape, causing a smell to waft in. Eleanor glanced at Murtagh. "I think I need a walk. I won't go far."

"Aye, I'll come with ye," He reached for her arm, "We'll be back in a few minutes," he told them, dragging her along. He barely got her away from the others to a hidden place before she vomited her breakfast.

He uncapped the water to give her a sip. "How long do ye think we can hide this? When we are on the ship, we can say it is sea sick, but now we are ashore."

"Just a little longer...I do not wish to draw attention to this. We most focus on the children and finding them, not me."

Murtagh studied her, "ye will be well, will ye not, lassie?"

She nodded, "I am happy for Jamie. I'm glad Claire is alive. It is a miracle...even if..." she paused. "it doesn't matter now."

Murtagh nodded evenly. "Then, we are agreed, lass."

"We are," Eleanor reached for his hand. "Please help me hide this for a little longer. The morning sickness should not last so much longer. I've been sick for two weeks now- I have just managed to keep it down until this morning...by sheer will and determination, I think."

"Verra weel," Murtagh gestured to her with his head, "Do ye think we can join the others now?"

Eleanor smiled at him. "I hope," she made a face and began to walk with him. "It's so hot here."

"Aye, lass. I long fer Scotland."

"I never thought I'd say it, but I do too," Eleanor said. "I find the cool drizzle so much more agreeable to this...at least where I was from we had things to keep the house cool...this is going to be an adjustment."

"Ye have adjusted just fine to other things," Murtagh put his hand on her arm and guided her back to Claire and Jamie. "Ye'll to this as well."

She glanced over at him, "Are you upset with me?"

"No, I dinnae think I can claim a right to be upset with ye."

Eleanor watched him walk faster towards Jamie and Claire before she went over to talk to Marsali and Fergus.

* * *

_Jamaica_

Eleanor put a hand on her stomach, trying to settle it again. They had stayed another few weeks on the Island, Claire's fighting an infection from the wound. Then, they headed for Jamaica. Eleanor felt all the while that her children were slipping further and further away. She just hoped and prayed that they would find them soon.

"Are ye feeling better, lass?" Jamie asked her as Eleanor tried to sip some of the tea Claire had prepared for her.

"Yes," Eleanor nodded. "I...I don't think I will ever be able to erase those images from my brain. We read about them in history books, but to see it first hand...the slave trade. I can't..."

"I know what you mean," Claire said, sitting next to her, "it's horrifying."

Eleanor took another sip, trying desperately to have her stomach settle. Her morning sickness had been more prolonged this time Maybe exasperated by the stress of the journey.

"I forgot- when does Wilberforce end it for the English?" she asked, "I watched a movie about it. It's really remarkable, what he was able to do."

"Not for several more years," Claire said, "After the American Revolution."

Her look was full of sorrow, "That's too long."

"It is," Claire agreed, squeezing her hand.

Jamie looked between the women. "I dinnae want ye to go back to the harbor, Eleanor."

"That's fine," Eleanor said, "I don't particular ever want to see that again, James."

"Aye, verra gut," Jamie said, "But I do have other news."

"What news?" Eleanor asked, her eyes hopeful. "Why didn't you say something before?"

"I was gettin to it," Jamie said, "No news of the children yet, but the new governor is hosting a ball. We have an invitation to attend."

"Attending a ball?" Eleanor asked, her nose wrinkling. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"I think it would be a gut idea to ask the governor assistance," Jamie said. "At the verra least, it is a way to meet new people. Perhaps, somebody has heard of something."

"I think it is a good idea," Claire said, "Come, Eleanor, I have a dress you can wear." She went over to where her trunk laid at the bottom of the bed. She opened it, rifling through it's contents. "I'll wear this one and," she pulled out a brown flowered one, "would this do?"

She nodded, "These are gorgeous. Where are they from?"

"Our time in Paris," Claire said. "I can help you with your hair."

"Are you sure you don't mind me wearing it?" Eleanor asked, hesitantly. "I am not sure if it will fit."

Claire held up the dress to Eleanor, "I think it will work."

Eleanor looked to Jamie, who had a peculiar expression on his face. "Will Murtagh be going?"

"Aye," Jamie moderated his expression."And ye isna happy aboot it."

Eleanor laughed, "I suspect not."

* * *

Claire looked to Jamie while standing in the receiving line. "Do you think Eleanor is feeling well?" she asked. "I worry about her."

"She is exhausted," Jamie said, "And rightfully so. And aboot earlier, Eleanor has always been a sensitive un. The thought over these things- injustice, cruelty, it plagues her. It is why I wanted her to stay put."

"But it is right that she came, don't you think?" Claire asked.

"Aye, I do," Jamie looked at her in the corner of his eye, "Ye look bonny in that dress, Sassenach."

Claire smiled, "Thank you, you are looking handsome yourself."

Jamie exchanged a look with her as they waited in line. When the people in front of them shifted, Jamie could catch a glimpse of the governor.

His face paled.

"Jamie, what is it?" Claire asked, worried.

"Maybe, it is you coming through the stones. Maybe it has made our past come back...Maybe..." he looked around the room for Eleanor, who was currently in conversation with one of the other guests.

"What do you mean?" Claire prompted.

The people moved out of the way and Jamie put his hand on Claire's back, guiding her forward.

"Your excellency," he bowed deep.

John's eyes widened in shock, "Jamie! What ever are you doing here?" His eyes looked to Claire and then he titled his head, questioning. He had become very still.

"Your excellency, may I present my wife, Claire Fraser," Jamie said, Claire curtsying, "Claire, Lord John Grey."

"Lord John," Claire murmured.

"_Your wife_?" John's voice was low. "How very extraordinary."

And Jamie knew without a doubt that his son's godfather was less than pleased.

**A/N**: Hopefully this chapter wasn't too disappointing for many...Would love thoughts. :)


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: **Thanks for all your reviews! As always, I love hearing all your thoughts. :)

**Chapter 21**_:_

_Your wife_?" John's voice was low. "How very extraordinary."

"Aye," Jamie retorted back, "Tis a miracle- she has come back to me."

"Forgive me," John paused, his piercing eyes on Jamie, "I thought you said she was dead."

"Aye, I thought so, but she is here now," Jamie's voice was even.

"Yes, I can see that," John's response was clipped and his stance stiffened. "Forgive me, but..." he looked around, "Eleanor... she isn't...she hasn't..."

Claire shifted and looked between the men. Things were undeniably charged between the two men.

"No, no," Jamie said, quickly. "She's quite well. She's here with us."

"Is she?" John asked. "_Where?_"

"She's here, John," Jamie repeated. "I assure ye she is well."

"I'd like to see that for myself," John said, his voice tense. "You have not written in months, I suppose I now know the reason for that. I would think such _happy_ news would warrant a letter."

"Considering your escapades, I don't know how you would have received such post," Jamie answered dryly. He gestured over to where Eleanor was standing, in conversation with Marsali and Fergus. "There she is. She looks well, does she not?"

"Ah yes, there... _she_... is..." John titled his head, "I'm do apologize, I am not sure how to properly address her now."

Jamie cleared his throat and shifted heavily, "Fitzgibbons. She is marrit to Murtagh now."

"To Murtagh?" John's voice held his shock again. "Great God in Heaven," he murmured under his breath.

"Eleanor _is_ well, Lord John," Jamie asserted.

"I'd like to speak with her."

"Of course, ye can...ye _are_ the governor and this _is_ yer gathering," Jamie retorted, his tone pointed.

Eleanor looked away from her conversation to see the interaction from across the room. Her eyes widened in recognition as John met her eyes from across the room. She couldn't read his expression, but she knew he was carefully studying her, assessing her well-being. She forced a smile.

"Oh good Lord," Eleanor said, turning back to Marsali. "It's Lord John. _He's_ the governor. How is that possible?"

Fergus interjected, "That is a good thing mi Lady, Lord John could offer assistance."

"Yes, I agree, but I am afraid, it is not a very good thing for Jamie," Eleanor said. "He looks awfully put out."

She looked at Jamie who gave a not so discreet shove of his head, beckoning her to their side. Eleanor gracefully crossed the room, cutting in line, but John had quickly gestured her forward, knowing full well a summoning from the governor would allow such impropriety.

Jamie leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Address him as _your excellency_."

She swallowed hard and curtseyed, "Your Excellency."

He extended his hand and she took it, "Madam Fras..." A side eye at Jamie, who made some sort of Scottish guttural sound that he is prone to do when annoyed, "Fitzgibbons. It is always a pleasure to see you, Eleanor." He said, sincerely, kissed her hand and then gently dropped it by her side.

"I am very happy to see you as well, Lord John," Eleanor said, honestly. "It has been too long."

"Indeed, it has," John paused, "This is all quite extraordinary. I must say I am trying to get my head around this," He gave Jamie another look, addressing him now. "How did this all come to pass? _When _did this all come to pass? I'm assuming after the birth of your daughter, but Rose is quite young, is she not?"

Eleanor flush deepened and suddenly felt very hot. She swayed and John immediately stepped forward.

"Eleanor, I did not mean to distress you," John's hand was on her arm, "Good God, I do apologize, my dear. I spoke out of turn."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Lord John," she murmured. "I have been an awful friend."

"_You_ have been no such thing," John told her, adamantly.

She leaned closer so she could speak quietly. "I feel like we are drawing attention to ourselves. May we perhaps find some place more private to answer your inquires or would that be too rude to your guests?"

"Of course we can," John responded, with a nod of his head, "You are quite flushed. Let's get you some place away from everyone."

Jamie turned and frowned, "Are ye no well, lass?"

"I'm just...the heat, it's overcoming. I _am_ feeling a bit ill."

"Of course, you are quite right, this heat is oppressive," John looked around and then offered his arm, "Allow me, Ellie. Jamie, Madam Fraser, this way," he beckoned them to follow.

Claire turned to Jamie, "I was unaware that Eleanor and Lord John had formed an acquaintance."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "They have met on several occasions. We have exchanged letters the three of us. They both share a love of literature- John has kept us well stocked in reading materials," He frowned. "He is naturally quite fond of her."

"_Naturally_" Claire said, wryly.

"It was Eleanor's idea to name him as Samuel's godfather and give John as one of his names."

"I see," Claire frowned, "Are you afraid you will be taken to task?"

"I shouldn't think him less of a man if he did so."

"Maybe we should get Murtagh," Claire suggested.

"Eleanor can handle herself with John."

"That's not why I meant," Claire said.

"I doubt we will come to blows tonight Sassenach," Jamie said, dryly. "Tis not John's usual method to show his displeasure. He is a gentlemen after all." They arrived at the library and fell silent.

"Here we are," John brought them to library. "Ellie, sit here."

"Thank you," she said, her hand on her stomach.

"How can I assist you?" John asked, studying her. "A glass of wine, perhaps?"

"No, thank you," Eleanor said, biting her lip. "I really am fine." She took a breath, trying to quell her nausea.

"Ye are lookin green, lass," Jamie studied her, his eyes intensely scrutinizing. "John is right, maybe some wine."

"I don't need wine, Jamie. I need my children," Eleanor retorted, her voice heated. She didn't know why she was suddenly so angry with Jamie, but she was.

John looked between them. "Where are the children? Did you travel with them? What _are_ you doing here to begin with?"

Tears filled Eleanor's eyes. She had been trying to hold things together for so long, but now that John was here and being so _Lord John_ about everything, the events of the past months, it all came crashing down on her once again. "They were taken," her voice choked on a sob.

"_Taken,_" John swiftly crossed the room and sat next to her, stunned. "All three?" he looked to Jamie.

"Aye," Jamie said, grimly, "even the wee bairn."

"Good God, no wonder you are so unwell," John said, breathless, his hand reaching into his pocket to offer Eleanor his handkerchief. "Who took them? Do you know yet?"

"We dinnae ken but the path has led here," Jamie said, "They were kidnapped under our noses."

"I was distracted," Ellie told John, tearfully, wringing the handkerchief. "It is all my fault."

"It isn't your fault,Eleanor," Claire interjected. "Stop blaming yourself."

"Good God, Eleanor," John said, putting a comforting hand on her arm. "Of course, it isn't your fault. I am grieved and distressed by this news." He looked to Jamie, "Jamie, what can I do? Do you think it has anything to do with..." his voice trailed off, looking over at Eleanor.

"I know, Lord John," Eleanor said, "he _finally_ told me _after_ the children were taken. And yes, I do think it does considering a Jacobite symbol was left behind. A white Rose."

"We will find them, Eleanor," John said. "I just wish you had sent message sooner. I could have used some contacts. I care about the littles one too...even if I have never met them in person. And one of them is my godson, so..."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie nodded. "Things just transpired so quickly."

"Of course," John acquiesced. He looked solemn, "Our absence is going to become conspicuous, but we must speak further on this. Eleanor, would you like to stay here until you feel like joining the others?"

She nodded.

"Should we send..." John paused, "Mr. Fitzgibbons to you?"

"No, that won't be necessary," Eleanor said, quickly. "I am quite capable."

"Of course, you are," John said, "I shall see you soon, then."

Eleanor forced a smile, "Of course, Lord John."

They left her and Eleanor laid on the couch, trying to quell the feeling in her stomach. Her eyes closed. She put her hand on her belly, "You must let mama be, little one. We have to be well to find your brothers and sister." She prayed it would be true.

* * *

John sipped his wine, "I am worried about Eleanor," he said, not wasting any time once Claire decided to circulate the room.

"Aye," Jamie glanced at him, "I can tell. She has a husband to worry aboot her, ye ken."

"_Two_, in fact," John said, dryly. "Do not even presume to tell me that ye think this is acceptable, by any means. I cannot even..." he stopped himself, "As your friend...I cannot...Jamie..." he paused. "I rather want to challenge you to a duel right now but I doubt that will make anything better and for the injustice you have done her, it is clear Eleanor still loves you," he said bluntly.

"It wasna easy fer any of us," Jamie said, "But we must focus on finding the bairns and then ye can take me to task later, man."

"Very well," John grunted. His eye caught Murtagh from across the room. He nodded to the man.

Claire swiftly moved back to their side, "Geillis is here, Jamie."

Jamie's mouth dropped open. "Ye dinnae say. I thought she..." he paused.

"Yes, but apparently Dougal saved her. But she is acting awfully strange," Claire said, quietly.

Jamie's back straightened.

"Tread carefully, Mr. Fraser," John said. "You do not want to give away your hand. Allow me." John put his wine down and went to seek out the woman in question, sparking up a conversation and delicately coaxing information out of her.

* * *

Eleanor paced the room, her hands wrung in distress. After John had questioned her, Claire had gone to visit Geillis on her plantation and Eleanor was sure something was amidst.

Finally, Claire returned with Jamie by her side.

"Well," Eleanor asked, her shoulders hunched in anticipation.

"She is definitely up to something," Claire said. "What, I am not sure. She was peppering me with questions...asked about Brianna. Wanted to see pictures."

Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "Did you actually show her pictures?"

"She is a time traveler like us," Claire said, "I didn't think much of it."

"And she returned everything?" Eleanor asked.

Jamie turned his head, "She did return everything, Sassenach, didn't she?"

Claire reached into her pocket and shuffled through the pictures...and then she reshuffled. And once again.

"Let me see," Jamie extended his hand and Claire put the pictures in, "She took one."

"It looks like it," Claire bit her lip, "You don't really believe that Geillis is behind all of this?"

"Ye said that she was verra obsessed with the Jacobites before she left her own time."

"Yes, but this...even for Geillis," Claire said.

"Geillis was always a verra calculating..." Murtagh entered the room. "Dougal mentioned it often."

Jamie looked to Murtagh, "Tell Fergus to pack the trunks and go to the ship."

"Mi Lord," Fergus entered, if on cue. "We have a problem," He bent to whisper in Jamie's ear.

"Good Lord," Jamie muttered.

"What is it?" Claire asked.

"Apparently, the ship, didn't sink, Claire," Jamie said. "They are in harbor now. The ruins we found...perhaps they threw off luggage that was contaminated, I dinnae ken. But what it means..."

"Lieutenant Leonard," Claire covered her mouth, "He is looking for you."

"Looking for you?" Eleanor rose. "For what exactly?"

"Weel, if ye must ken, I got into a scuffle with a man who discovered our business in Edinburgh...actually all over Scotland."

Eleanor titled her head. "_What_ business, Jamie?"

Jamie paused and then finally said, "The smuggling one that I have run through the men at Ardsmuir."

"All those trips to Edinburgh...James Fraser!" Eleanor's voice rose.

"I had to support our children, lass," Jamie defended, "I told ye that ye no need to worry. It worked well for years."

"And I trusted you and now...what? You are wanted for...smuggling?" Eleanor asked.

"No, murder," Jamie responded. "But it isna what ye think. It was self defense, but..."

Eleanor held up her hand, "I can't even. Just stop. What are we going to do?"

"We have to act fast," Jamie said. "I have a plan."

"You'd better," Eleanor muttered.

* * *

"I cannot believe that worked," Eleanor said after Lieutenant Leonard brushed past her.

She knocked on the door and she went into the office, followed by Claire and Murtagh.

"Is it done?" Eleanor asked.

"Aye, fer now," Jamie said, "But we must go search for the children and then leave quickly." He turned to John and offered his hand and John and him were conversing in low tones.

Eleanor put her hand on her stomach, "Is this truly it? Are we all ready to go?"

Murtagh stepped forward, exchanging a glance with Jamie as he did. "Not all of us, lass."

Eleanor looked at him, quizzically, "What do you mean?"

"Eleanor, you must stay behind," Murtagh said. "You are no condition to travel."

Jamie stopped in his conversation with John, his attention captured. "Is she not well, Murtagh?" he asked.

Eleanor shook her head, swiftly. "_I am well_."

"No, ye are not," Murtagh retorted, "She is expecting again."

Jamie's expression did not falter, but his jaw twitched. "Is that so, lass?"

"It does not matter. Nothing matters except finding my children. I will not be left behind!" Eleanor's voice rose as she took a step closer to where Jamie was standing and further from Murtagh, a move missed by no one in the room. "These are my children."

"And ye are carryin my babe in yer belly. Ye will only slow us down, lass. I love the wee uns too and I made ye a vow that I will return them to you." Murtagh said, firmly. "I willna sway."

"I will never forgive you if something happens and I am not there."

"It is a chance I am willin to take, Eleanor, for the sake of our child and fer yer own."

"Damn you, you stubborn scot!" Eleanor groaned. "I am not helpless. I am going and that is that." She fisted her hands.

"Eleanor," Jamie murmured to her in a voice that only the people closest to him could hear- which would be John and Ellie, "Calm yerself, mo ghraidh."

She ignored him to continue to rail at Murtagh. "You cannot stop me."

"Aye, I can," Murtagh said, with a tilt of his head, "It is dangerous for you to travel in your condition and we do not know what we will face tonight."

"But Claire is going so..." she paused, indignant.

"Claire capable of defending herself," Murtagh said, seriously. "Ye are not."

"Because Jamie and you taught her!" Eleanor shot back. "I'm so tired of everyone thinking that I am fragile. Yes, I feel things. I feel them deeply. I don't hold those feelings in, but that does not mean I cannot handle the truth."

"Regardless, we are wasting time arguing with ye," Murtagh said. "Ye are to remain here. Ye canna make the trip back to Scotland in yer condition. Ye could have the bairn early on the ship in God ken what conditions. Ye children need ye alive, Eleanor. No, ye must stay. I have already arranged lodgings for ye."

"Were you not going to tell me?"

"I am telling you now," he retorted.

"I'm not going to stay here by myself," Eleanor said, "There is no way."

"Perhaps, Eleanor," Jamie coughed as he finally spoke again, looking between the two of them and exchanged a long look with John, "you can stay with Lord John. Lady Isobel will be arriving in due course and until then the servants should be proper chaperones."

John cleared his throat, "Of course, that should not be a worry. Eleanor is more than welcome to stay here until she can travel safely. Actually, I would recommend that. There has been unrest of late and I do not wish Eleanor to be on the island by herself."

"That's so kind of you, Lord John, truly, but it is not necessary, because I will have to be tied up here to stop me from going."

"That could be arranged, lass," Murtagh said, evenly. "Ye are staying put. Ye gave me yer word."

"Alot of people give words and often they are not kept due to unforeseen circumstances," Eleanor shot back. "Ask your godson."

"Easy lass," Jamie admonished, under his breath.

"We are wasting time arguing with ye, Eleanor, precious time," Murtagh retorted. "Ye need to stop being so stubborn and do what ye ken ye need to do."

Ellie turned towards Jamie and reached out to touch his arm, "Jamie, for the sake of our past and what we have shared, please. I am begging you. I cannot wait. You know I cannot wait here. they are so close. I have to hold them again. I have to be the face they see. Please." Eleanor started crying. "_Please_. You owe me this much."

Jamie let out a long breath. "Aye, I owe ye more than I can possibly repay at this moment, but I canna go against his judgment, lass. He's yer husband, not I." His voice was quiet and the room suddenly got very tense.

"Eleanor, lass," Murtagh grunted. "I willna have ye pit my godson against me."

She sniffled not bothering to wipe the tears that were spilling down her face. Jamie looked to Claire who gave him a nod. She hated it but she understood. He loved them both and to see Eleanor's heart breaking, his heart could not help but respond and try to ease her pain. Even if she was no longer his wife. He turned to Murtagh, who nodded his permission as well.

"Come with me for a moment, Eleanor," Jamie said, his voice low. He looked at the others, "Excuse us. We will only be a moment."

He walked out the door and Ellie followed him.

"What is it, Jamie?" Eleanor asked, her hand on her stomach, her feeling the baby move within her.

"I ken we are close to them, Eleanor. And I feel the panic of it as well."

"I have to be there, Jamie," Eleanor said, pleading quietly. "What if something happens and I am now with them? What if something has already happened? I can only tolerate so much. Please."

Jamie reached out to grasp her hand, squeezing it.

"I ken, but we are wasting time, mo ghraidh. Any moment might be a missed opportunity and Murtagh is right, ye will slow us down. Ye are clearly not feeling well..." he paused his eyes searching hers, "Why dinnae ye say something?"

Eleanor paused, "I didn't know what to say," her voice caught.

"Do ye ken how far along ye are?" he studied her.

"The babe has already quickened, but this stress is causing the sickness to stay longer than the others."

"I see," Jamie looked at her, wanting to say more, but not sure of what to say either. He forced himself to go back to the issue at hand.

"Ye need to be reasonable, Eleanor," his voice was low, "I dinna want ye to come in the first place, but Murtagh said ye should until there was a time when ye couldna. And this is the time. I will take care of our lads and lass, I promise. But I need ye to get yerself under control, aye?" His eyes drew hers to his and held them there. He squeezed her hand harder. "I will bring them home and ye will meet them again. The most pressing issue is their safety, aye?"

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Of course, I just...my heart is so torn, being this close and so far."

"It may just be a little longer, but I will not fail ye."

"You have said that before- all during this journey."

"Aye, and I will keep promising ye that until ye believe me. I ken I lost yer trust long ago, but I pray ye to believe me now and heed our orders, for they are given with the upmost care to yer wellbeing as well as that of our children," He had paused over the word, _our_ and Eleanor's heart skipped.

She felt his strength and his love and for a moment, she needed him more than anyone else.

"You haven't lost my trust, Jamie," Eleanor leaned her head against him and his arms went around her, "I'm sorry I am not stronger for our children."

"Ye are plenty strong for all of us, lass," he squeezed her tightly, unable to deny her the comfort that he longed to give her, to make her world whole again for she had done that for him more times than he could count. "Do not doubt that. If it wasn't fer the bairn, I wouldna press the issue. "

She sniffed hard, "Very well. I will heed your orders, James Fraser." She pulled away. "I'm still angry at him for making me stay, but if...will you just tell him I'm sorry for me? When I am less angry, I will not be able to and I know I will eventually want to, I just cannot bring myself at the moment."

"Aye," he wiped her tears, "Ye are as prideful as the lot of us."

"Perhaps you are right." She allowed Jamie to lead her back to the others and she headed to Claire and reached to give her a hug.

"If something was to happen to me, please take of my babies for me."

"Of course, you do not have to ask," Claire told her, hugging her back. "You will see them soon, I promise."

"Tell them I love them," she told Jamie.

"Aye, I will. Over and over," he leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"Don't let them forget about me."

"How could they?" Jamie responded, rubbing her arm, "I will try to send word to ye, somehow."

She nodded.

"Be well, Eleanor."

She turned towards Murtagh, meeting his eyes. She shook her head, the gesture almost imperceptible, but he received her message.

"Jamie," Murtagh said, gruffly and Jamie, with one last glance at Eleanor and John, left with Claire and Jamie.

Eleanor's shoulders slumped and John took a step towards her. "Madam Fitzgibbons," he reached out to touch her arm, "Eleanor, I'm so very sorry."

"It's all such a mess," she sank down into the nearby couch.

"I can see that."

"I'm sorry you had to witness that."

"I am sorry you had to live that," John retorted. "My curiosity is getting the best of me, but you do not need to satisfy that tonight. A glass of wine and then bed, perhaps? I can alert the servants." He rang the bell and gave the orders quietly before sitting down next to her on the couch.

She sniffed hard. "I can only bear so much, Lord John." The baby was moving again. "I was so close to them. If they are here and I am miles away from them. How can I wait months more?"

"Jamie will hold fast to him word, Eleanor. He will find your children and you will see them again. He is a man of his word, of his honor..." his voice trailed off, because it was rather obvious that there was one area that Jamie could not hold true to his word. "But he is right, it is imperative to get them away from this island. If that woman is responsible, we do not know how far her influence reaches. She cannot be acting alone."

"I don't know if I will be able to sleep tonight," Eleanor said. "Jamie said he would send word."

"Torturing yourself tonight will not make to word come more quickly," John said, gently.

"I know you are right, but," Eleanor buried her head in her hands. "I just want them safe. That is all that matters."

"Of course," John responded, reaching out to lightly touch her arm, "But you wouldn't be the mother that you are if you didn't wish to be the one to comfort them- to return normalcy to their lives."

She nodded, "Thank you for understanding."

"Of course, I do," John said, "All of this has been quite shocking, Eleanor."

"I will tell you everything...but in the morning," Eleanor's lip trembled. "Are you sure you don't want me to go back to the lodgings? I do not wish to cause problems and Lady Isobel..."

"It will be quite a few weeks before she does join us, but she will not mind the company, especially on this foreign place."

"But she is a lady and I am..."

"A lady as well," John said, firmly, "I will not see Jamie's choices be put upon you. As for the company, I can attest that you are an excellent companion."

"You are being far too generous with me."

"And I hate to continue to see you do such an injustice to yourself," John responded. "You will remain here with me...and with Isobel...until either the baby arrives or Jamie returns. I will not have it any other way, Eleanor. And you do know how determined I can be once my mind is set."

"Very well," Eleanor said, "I'm grateful not to be alone. You do know how sorry I am that we didn't tell you about all of this."

"That was not your decision to make," John said. "Jamie was afraid of my reaction, and rightly so."

One of the slaves arrived and Eleanor bit her lip. She did not like this at all, but she knew she needed to be with John. She was well aware of the culture in which she was now confronted with. But she saw she had little choice. John would not understand her modern perspective because in spite of how trusted he was as a friend, there was one secret she could never let go of.

"Susanna will take you to your room," John said. "I will see you in the morning, if you feel well enough for breakfast."

She nodded.

"Try to get some sleep, my dear," he gently entreated.

"Of course, I will try."

"Very good," John rose with her, "And now, I will say goodnight," he bowed and Eleanor curtseyed.

"Goodnight, Lord John," she glanced at Susanna. "Or should I say _your excellency?_"

John smiled gently, "Or John perhaps."

Eleanor smiled back, "Goodnight, John."

She left, her heart grateful that in spite of what was happening, of all the chaos and heartbreak, she was with such a trusted friend. And to be honest, she desperately needed a friend these days. Murtagh had been one, but their marriage had left things tense between them more times than naught. Jamie had been her best friend and yet that was taken from her. There were moments they still connected and in moments, Jamie was perhaps the only one that could speak to her heart, but other times, the intensity of their past reared its ugly head towards bitterness, anger, and despair.

And when John heard her leave, he went to grab his things.

"Where are you going your excellency?" Tom asked.

"To the harbor," John said. "Come, Tom. Madam Fitzgibbons will have news of her children. I will not rest tonight until I hear one way or another."

* * *

"Do you hear the buzzing?" Claire said, "It's..." she clapped her ears.

Jamie reached for her hand, "I have ye, mo nighean donn."

They headed towards the cave, Murtagh by their side.

"My God," Claire screamed. "Geillis, what are you doing?"

Geillis had a knife to Ian's throat.

Jamie held up his hand, "Wait, Geillis," his eyes adjusted to the cave and he saw the children huddled. Mac had his arm around Sam and Rosie, who was standing, red curls framing her face. His wee bairn had grown. Sam's lip was trembling and Mac was comforting them both.

"Da!" Mac cried. "Ian said ye would come."

"Cover their eyes, Mac," Ian yelled at him.

"Of course, leannan, I came fer you, I love you," Jamie said, his voice calm, "But Mac, listen to yer cousin," Jamie said, "and turn yer head as well."

Murtagh took a step closer to the children, but Geillis said, adamantly, "I will do it, I swear."

"What is your plan?" Claire stepped closer to the two.

"I thought the three would be enough...but with your daughter in the 20th century, I thought it could be her. I must have all of them together. But I could not leave the others here. That will not do. Since their mother is a traveler..."

"Their mother is no such thing," Jamie retorted, his voice heated.

Geillis laughed, "I could spot that from the moment I saw her. She is verra bonny. And she covers it well, but perhaps not so well, because the children have acquired some verra queer phrases of speech. You wouldn't have married and fallen in love with someone ordinary, James Fraser," Geillis said, "And to have so many bairns with the lass, ye must have loved her. She reminded you of Claire."

"That is simply not true. If she is different, it is because she is from the colonies," Jamie countered. "Mac, do ye hear buzzing?"

Mac straightened and tightened his grip on his siblings, "No, Da. I hear nothin."

"There you are," Jamie said, "If his mother was one, he would be able to hear...but he doesn't. Just like I dinnae hear a thing."

"He can travel as long as I have my grip on all of them."

"You'll drop them through time," Claire said. "Then where would they end up?"

"I must have Brianna too," Geillis said, "It is a risk I must take."

"You will not touch Brianna," Claire took another step closer.

"A life for a life, Claire," Geillis said, "I gave ye your life and now I require one in return."

Claire's eyes caught something shining in the corner of her eye.

"Geillis, I am warning you," Claire said."Let Ian go. We can discuss this more."

"And just how are ye goin to stop me?" Geillis laughed, her laugh ringing through the cave.

And happened so quickly that all Jamie heard was Mac's scream as Geillis's head fell to the ground and rolling away from them. Jamie turned to Claire, his eyes wide. Claire had dropped her weapon and stepped closer to the pool in the middle of the cave.

"The buzzing...Brianna..." she murmured, shaking.

Murtagh had gone to the children's side, bending down next to them. He blocked their view of the blood and the dismembered body.

"Claire, mo nighean donn," Jamie's voice was low. He reached for her arm and then yanked her back. Claire startled and then looked at the blood on her hands, horrified. "The children..."

"Ian, stay close to yer Auntie," Jamie said and reached to scoop up Rosie and Sam in each arm, Murtagh grabbing Mac. "Let's go away from here."

When they got outside the cave, Jamie paused a minute, putting his two down and falling to his knees.

"Leannans, come to Da," he said, taking all three into a hug. "Ian, ye too. And Claire."

He held all of them close.

"That's Da," Mac whispered to Rosie and Sam, squished in Jamie's firm embrace, "Remember I told ye about him. He's the best Da in the world. I _knew_ he would come."

Jamie's tears splattered down his face as he wept over his bairns. "Of course, I came, Mac. I'm just sorry it took so long."

Mac reached to tug his coat, "I heard the buzzing, Da. I ken I shouldna tell a lie, but..."

"Oh my lad," Jamie said, wiping his face. He pulled him against him again, kissing his head. "Ye have been verra brave and canny indeed. Now we must go away from here and quickly."

"Where is Mama?" Mac asked, still holding on to Jamie's coat.

"When we get you safe, I will tell ye aboot yer mama," Jamie said, "but in the meantime, she sent me a message to give ye." Jamie bent down to plant a kiss each of his three of his children, "She said she loves ye verra much. And there has not been a minute of the day that she has not longed fer all three of ye."

Claire wiped her hands, taking the water and rising her hands. She wiped them on her skirt. "I will take Rosie, Jamie. Hello, sweetheart, can I hold you?" She held out her arms.

Rosie eyed her with her mama's wide blue eyes and "Aye." Claire took her and Rosie buried her head in Claire's neck.

Sam clung to Jamie and his heart tearing, Jamie patted his back. "I got ye, lad. I ken that was scary. Did ye hear the sounds too?"

"Aye," he put his thumb in his mouth.

"Yer safe now, lad. Hold onto me. Murtagh, will ye take Mac?"

"Aye," Murtagh swung him up easily. "Let's go, my godson."

"Ian..." Jamie looked to him.

"I am fine, Uncle," Ian said and then leaned to whisper in Jamie's ears, "They were cared for. She wanted them safe. Mac was really the only one that understood what all of it meant. He is verra canny, Uncle. Auntie Ellie would be pleased."

Jamie reached to put a hand on his nephew's face, "I was just goin to say that I canna thank ye enough, Ian. Ellie feels the same way," He pulled him in for another hug, "That's from yer Auntie."

"Is Auntie Eleanor well?" Ian asked as they all headed towards the ship.

"Aye, she is well," Jamie said, "She just canna travel at the moment."

Once Jamie got them safely aboard, he went back down the plank one more time to make sure everything was secure. He bumped into a body. "John!" he whispered, recognizing him instantly even in the dark.

"You have to get away from here. Leonard is not going to rest until you are arrested. I arranged for a distraction tonight, but I cannot give you more time."

"I ken. Geillis is dead. Can ye..."

"I will fabricate a story," John said. "Leave it to me." He paused, "The children?"

"All safe as well as Ian. Tell Ellie that Rosie has the most bonny mop of curls and that Sam is verra braw and her eldest...weel, he's been the bravest child in the world. And so verra canny, just like his mama."

John let out a long breath, "I will."

"And if ye will..." Jamie paused, "Tell her that I lo..." his voice caught, forcing himself to stop. "Christ," he stiffened.

John's eyes met his in the moonlight, "I will send your regards. Will that do?"

"Aye."

"Now, go!" John said, "There is no time to waste."

"Farewell, my friend."

"I will take good care of Eleanor. I swear it, Jamie."

"I had no doubt," Jamie reached out to give his friend a hug, before climbing up the plank to his children and to Claire.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: **Thank you again for the reviews! So...one reviewer asked if we will see more scenes of Jamie as a father. We will for sure, scattered throughout the rest of the story. However, not in this chapter...fair warning: the next two chapters will be Jamaica-centered, but we will find out what happened to Jamie and the kids (in the next chapter). To clarify, the plan was that they wanted to return to Scotland...BUT life happened. :)

Hope this makes sense and this chapter doesn't disappoint since it is more Ellie-centered...though Jamie is never far from either Ellie's OR Lord John's minds. :)

**Chapter 22**:

_Jamaica_

Eleanor was awaken by the gentle prodding of Susanna with the news that Lord John wanted to see her.

She quickly dressed and came down the stairs to meet him in his office. He rose from his desk when she entered the room, his quill falling to his desk.

Her heart hammered as she looked at him, trying to ascertain his expression, frozen with anticipation.

"They are all safe with Jamie," John said, quickly.

"Thank God," Eleanor covered her mouth and began to sob. "I hadn't wanted to hope because I didn't dare want to be disappointed. Oh, thank God." She turned her head and wept.

"Come, don't cry, Eleanor, it is good news," John came beside her and took her by the crook of her elbow, gently guiding her to the sofa where they both sat.

"Of course, its just," Eleanor struggled to get her emotions reigned in, "It has been such a long few months, John. It has been agony with Claire coming back and the children taken and..." she paused, "Did you talk to Jamie? What did he say?" Ellie asked as John once again pulled out his handkerchief, handing it to her.

Eleanor laughed through her tears, "Thank you, I feel like I never have one of these when I need one. I'm sorry for falling apart here."

"You are most welcome and after what you have gone through, you are entitled to shed more than a few tears," John retorted, "And yes, I did speak to Jamie...only briefly."

"What did he say?"

"Rose has red curls..."

"Oh, my baby," Eleanor responded, "she must be so big now. I'm sure I wouldn't even recognize her. She was so little."

John nodded, "Sam is apparently verra braw," John did his impression of Jamie and Eleanor laughed more.

"Of course he is," Eleanor nodded. "He is a Fraser."

"And Jamie said that Mac is the bravest boy he has met and so very intelligent like his mama," John said.

Eleanor wiped her eyes as the tears kept flowing, "I wish I could see them," her voice cracked. "It is agony."

"But at least they are well," John said. "And safe with their father."

"Of course, I'm glad for it," Eleanor nodded, her lip trembling. "Jamie is a good father."

"He is indeed," John agreed. "He also sent you his regards."

"Did he?" Eleanor mused and titled her head. "That doesn't sound like something Jamie would say to me."

John shifted and then looked over at her, "He wanted to say something else, but considering..." he paused.

Eleanor closed her eyes, "You don't need to say anything else."

John rose, "Come, Eleanor. You need to break the fast."

"I'm not hungry," Eleanor said.

"In your condition, you must take care," John's voice was gentle. "Come," he extended his hand, "a light breakfast will do."

"Very well," Eleanor agreed, taking his hand and allowing him to pull her up.

"Thank you for making sure I had news of the children," she said.

"Of course," John said. "I would not have it any other way. You could not wait here for months without knowing and while Jamie said he would endeavor to send word, I knew how difficult it would be to keep that promise," he said as he led her to the dining room.

And Eleanor was again filled with gratitude for her friendship with Lord John.

* * *

"What have you done to amuse yourself today?" John asked over supper.

"I slept," Eleanor said. "Almost all day."

"Did you?" John asked, mulling that over. "Are you feeling well?"

"I didn't sleep well last night or for many nights since the children were taken," Eleanor confessed.

John frowned, "No wonder then. Do you feel more rested?"

"Indeed, I do, but now I fear that I will not sleep tonight," she responded.

"Well, perhaps we can solve that by doing something entirely dull tonight," John retorted.

"Playing chess, perhaps?" Eleanor titled her head, mischievously.

"For shame, woman, you speak slander," John responded, but his eyes was full of mirth. "Perhaps you do not understand the complexity of the game."

"I do not deny that," Eleanor said, "For it is dull."

"Have you ever played?" John asked, unable to contain his laughter.

Eleanor paused, "I haven't actually."

"Then perhaps I should teach you one day," he retorted, "so you can better judge its merits."

She gave him a surprised glance.

"What? Do I not think you to be completely capable of a game of strategy?" John pressed. "You are unlike any woman I have ever met."

"Then clearly you have not met Jamie's wife," Eleanor drawled.

He laughed outright, "I should not laugh, but...forgive me..." he put down his fork, "you have seemed to recover yourself this day."

"I feel more like myself now that I at least know the children are well," Eleanor admitted. "Speaking of Jamie though, I do wish to tell you all that has happened..if you would be willing to listen."

"Indeed, I would," John said, placing his napkin on the table, "Are you finished with your supper?"

She nodded.

He led her to retire into his office, gesturing for her to sit on the couch. "Would you like a drink?"

"I shouldn't."

"Why is that?" John asked, pouring himself a brandy.

Eleanor realized her error. Of course, pregnant women were allowed to have alcohol this century. Jamie and Jenny were used to her not wanting to drink while expecting, so besides Mac's pregnancy, it had never been questioned again. She covered, "It sometimes makes me feel unwell in my condition."

John nodded, "I seem to remember that now from earlier."

He picked up his drink and sat next to her on the couch. "I have to confess I am very curious how all this came to pass."

"Well," Eleanor twined her hands, "Claire came when Rosie was about two months old. Jamie was out in the fields..." she stared at her hands, "I recognized her."

"But you had never met her...how ever did you recognize her?" John inquired.

"Her way, I suppose. Jamie had described her in depth to me, so the physical characteristics matched, but it was more her manner."

"That as very intuitive of you, Eleanor," John commented.

"There has been times since that I wished I had been less so," she said, wryly, "She wanted to leave when she realized Jamie had moved on, but..." she turned to face John, "I told her she must stay to see Jamie."

"Why on earth would you do that?" John sputtered his drink.

"For one, she is his wife...by the law and the church."

"But if she went away, no one would know," John pointed out.

"But I would know," Eleanor searched for her words, "I just knew that If I never let those events unfold that there would always be secrecy between Jamie and myself...It would have been a betrayal to the relationship Jamie and I had formed. We have strived for honest and openness between us and..." she wrung her hands.

"Ah," John nodded his understanding, "You could not live with the lie- even if it was one of omission."

"Yes, exactly," She nodded. "I don't know what I thought would happen. But the moment Jamie saw her..." she paused for a long time, her eyes far off. Finally she looked at him, "I will never forget the look on his face. I cannot even describe it, but it was clear how hard and how long his heart had yearned for this day. It was chaos with the kids running around and Rosie screaming, and yet there was only them in the room."

"That had to have been so difficult fo you," John said, sympathetically, "But what did Jamie do?"

"He told me to leave the room."

John raised his eyebrows, "He must have wanted to protect you, but..."

"The damage had already been done," Eleanor finished for him. "I couldn't unsee what I saw. And Claire said she would leave, but...I just knew...how could I say I love Jamie and not give him back his heart?"

"But did he say to you that he wanted to be with Claire again?" John asked.

"I was so hurt, I could not speak to him for a long time."

"Eleanor," John let out a breath, "then you do not know for certain that this was what Jamie wanted."

"Indeed," Her lip trembled, "That's the crux of it...I acted out of hurt and anger...and I...didn't think that Jamie thought what we had was special and sacred as well. I was so afraid of what he would say that I chose for all of us...breaking my heart and dividing our family in the process."

"But he allowed you to do that," John said. "He could have insisted she leave and made matters right with you. Of course, you were hurt. Do not put this on yourself, I beg of you."

"The church and the community also was putting pressure on him, so in that sense our hands were tied."

"Still," John said, taking a sip, "Did you truly think your marriage was truly altered beyond repair enough not to insist that the father of your children honor the family you have made together?"

"In my view," Eleanor said, "at the time...I only saw the inferiority of our marriage...and of myself...to what he had with her and to her very person."

"And now...do you think the same?" his voice was gentle.

"Now," Eleanor let out her breath, "there have been glimpses of times since the children were taken that it has been abundantly clear that Jamie did not feel that way about our marriage...or about me."

"I should say not," John responded, his voice low, "For I was witness to what you did have."

"But it does not truly matter, because what he feels for me, he also feels for her. And I have to see the love that they share day after day. I thought it would be easier with time, but it is not."

"No," John stared at his drink, "It is not."

She looked over at him, "Do you think I was a fool?"

"Oh, Eleanor, my dear," John put his drink down, "I think you should not put any blame on your shoulders. Your daughter was only two months old- you were most likely exhausted from tending to the baby at all hours and raising three children."

She glanced at him, "I never made that connection."

"I remember how my sister in law was and she had a nanny to help," John offered. "I cannot fathom you doing so without a nanny."

"I _was_ exhausted from the boys during the day and Rosie at all hours- they were all so demanding. God, I miss them though."

"I know you would not trade them for rest, but the facts remain. You must have been so uncertain and Jamie did nothing to avail your fears. What should you have thought at the time? And if the church was putting pressure on Jamie to stay true to his first vows and if there was unrest among the community, then what were you to do?" John shook his head, "No, it was Jamie's place to act and sort this out, not yours."

"I do not want to be too harsh to blame Jamie," Eleanor said, "For, I was being difficult and stubborn."

John gave a small smile, "Yet, he should be well accustomed to your ways after five years of marriage. He should have known you needed him to act."

"Yes," Eleanor let out her breath, "I love him still."

"Of course you do," John said. "It is not easy to stop loving him."

"I am married to another though," Eleanor said.

"I think that is what angers me the most," John said, "is that he allowed _that_ to happen."

"I needed a husband. He offered. I agreed. All was done with consent."

"Yes, I do not deny the wisdom of marrying again," John responded, "But someone who could match you. Someone you could foresee spending the rest of your life with. Someone who could foster your unique spirit, but not break it."

"That does not exist in the Scottish highlands," Eleanor said, dryly. "Or anywhere really."

"It existed for you and Jamie."

"I do not deny it, but..." she titled her head from side to side, considering, "All in all, Murtagh isn't unkind. He does care."

"But you are not happy," John said, "that is clear."

"It is my plight in life," Eleanor retorted, "perhaps when I am back with the children, I can distract myself with raising them. That is my hope at least."

"That is no way to live, Eleanor."

Eleanor looked at him, their eyes meeting and what she saw there was compassion and _understanding_. Her heart stirred because if anyone, Lord John could know exactly how she felt.

"I know," she said, simply. "But there is no choice but to live."

"Indeed."

Eleanor forced a smile, "When is Lady Isobel and William coming?"

"Not for another two or three months when the traveling is safer."

"Yes, it was quite difficult," she said. "If I never had to get on a ship again, I would be happy."

"When would you anticipate the child?" John said.

"Not for a while," Eleanor said, "which is why I was so angry at Murtagh for making me stay. If I was closer to delivering, then very well. But I am months away."

"Still travel back to Scotland would be dangerous in your condition and does take months."

"But what I am going to do here?"

"Well," John titled his head. "What do you want to do to occupy yourself?"

"For the past five years, it has been about the children or Jamie and I...I haven't even thought about my wants."

"What do you wish to do besides devouring every book I have with me here?"

She smiled, "Yes, that would be one option, but I can't sit around all day and read."

"You could knit."

"That's funny," She laughed, "You should have seen some of the clothes I knitted for the babies. Jamie's sister, Jenny, had to fix everything I tried to make."

"Well, then," John pondered, "What have you always wanted to do but never could?"

She considered and then looked at him, sheepishly.

"What is it, Ellie?" John smiled at her, "I will not judge you."

"Write a novel," she admitted, twining her hands.

"Then, I will ensure there is plenty of parchment and ink at your disposal," he said, his tone matter of fact.

"Jamie would not approve."

John smiled at her, "Than all the better you should try your hand at it when you are here with me and Jamie is so far away."

"Not to mention, Murtagh..." Eleanor bit her lip, "But then again..." she paused, "Do you approve?" she asked, her eyebrows raised.

"As long as you let me read the final product," John's voice was conspiratorial.

"We'll see," Eleanor said, "It could be awful. In which case, I would be embarrassed to have you read it."

"I don't think it would be," John said. "I certainly cannot be worse then some that we read."

Eleanor giggled, "That is true."

"Then it is settled," John said. "It should keep you well entertained by reading and writing, but I may have to prevail upon you to attend some of the events I must put on as governor...dinner parties, balls, that sort of thing. You could help me organize it."

Eleanor wrinkled her nose, "I thought I could just hide in my room during those events."

"You cannot hide away, Eleanor, like you are an embarrassment. It is fine that you are here," John's voice was kind. "Please do not feel otherwise. And I do enjoy your company."

Eleanor nodded. "Very well. And I will attempt to do so with a smile on my face."

He smiled at her, "Thank you."

She smiled back, "You're welcome."

* * *

A few weeks passed. Eleanor's children were constantly in her thoughts and she took to writing notes to them even though she knew that it would be a while for them to be able to read and understand them. But it did help with the longing. Even though the days were hot, Ellie would venture to the garden to read and write during the day, while Lord John would attend to the government's business. Then at night they would catch each other up on their days during supper and in the hours before bed, retiring to John's office to continue their lively discussions. They would read together some and discuss literature. John would tell stories from his past, Eleanor marveling at some of the more lively adventures he had- John making sure he censured out the inappropriate for a lady's ears parts. Eleanor would respond with some of her stories of her past, careful to make them era appopriate, censuring out the modern parts for John's eighteenth century ears.

John finally said he must have a dinner party, it was too far overdue and Eleanor reluctantly agreed to attend after he gently prodded her until she finally relented.

After the guests had left, John and her sat down in the study.

"I forgot how introverted you are," John commented over his brandy. "You are not that way with me or with Jamie."

Eleanor rubbed her flushed face, "I hope I wasn't too much so."

"Oh no, they loved you," John said, "you were very charming and sweet tonight. I just hate for you to be so uneasy."

"Did I seem uneasy?" Eleanor asked, horrified.

"Of course, not," John was quick to reassure, "only for one who knows you well."

She sighed in relief. She would hate for everyone to know how out of place she felt.

"Once I get to know them, I will be more at ease," Eleanor said, "it is only at first." The baby moved and Eleanor put her hand on her expanding stomach. "So are you ever going to teach me chess?"

"If you wish," John said. He went to retrieve his chess board. "Are you certain you are not too tired?"

"Not unless you are," Eleanor retorted. "Just teach me well enough so I can beat Jamie."

John couldn't help but laugh, "That's the Eleanor I know. Very well. I will attempt my best."

And so chess was added to their after supper activities and Eleanor began to see the strategy behind the game. Ellie had to admit that it was much more engaging playing it then watching.

John and her had developed such an easy rhythm together, both enjoying each other's company even if the island was hot and wretched. But as Isobel's arrival date came closer, Eleanor noticed that John began to get more and more restless. She wasn't sure what it meant, but she was worried about him.

Little could she know what was to come.

* * *

"Hello," Eleanor stopped in her tracks as she walked into the small tropical garden. "I didn't realize...I had forgotten this," She reached to retrieve the notes and sketches for the children she had accidentally left on the bench.

"Who are you?" the boy demanded, almost petulantly grunted, from his perch on the bench.

Eleanor's stomach flip flopped, he looked so remarkably like Jamie...or what Sam would be like in in seven year's time. His tilt of his head, the way he carried himself- that was Jamie...and Mac.

"You must be William," Eleanor said, her voice calming, but clearly in control. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

The boy of ten stood, "You know me, but I have yet to make you're acquaintance, ma'am."

His manner of speech- now that was Lord John. Eleanor restrained a laugh of mirth. This child was going to be delightful- surly and pompous, yet delightful.

"Eleanor Fitzgibbons nee Fraser, but that is a story for another time," Eleanor gave a brief curtesy. "I am a friend of Lord John."

"And my mother?" William asked. "Are you a friend of hers?"

"I have not had the pleasure of meeting Lady Isobel," Eleanor said.

"And you will not," the boy's back stiffened, "She is dead."

Eleanor's heart sank. The poor child. He sat back down and stared into the array of flowers.

She bit her lip. "Where is Lord John?"

The boy shrugged, swatting at his eyes. "I do not know. In his study, I think."

"May I?" she asked.

He nodded. "I cannot stop you."

"Well, you could if you wanted..." Eleanor retorted, "You are the son of the governor."

William frowned, "I do not even wish to be here." He kicked his heals against the stone bench. "Dreadful place."

"I do not disagree," Eleanor sat down on the bench with him. "When did you arrive?"

"This morning," William said.

"Did you eat?"

"I was not hungry at the time."

"Are you hungry now?"

William gave a small nod. "I could not find anyone in there."

"They were probably eating their midday meal themselves," Eleanor said, rising. "I can find you something to eat."

"I'd like to stay out here," William said, his voice low.

"Of course, I will have them bring you a tray out here," Eleanor said. "Watch for the bugs, they are annoying creatures."

William didn't say anything else to her, but swatted a mosquito away.

Eleanor went back into the house and went to find Tom.

"Where is Lord John?" Eleanor asked.

"In there, Mistress, but I would not go in there," Tom said.

"Can you make sure William gets something to eat and that he is able to find his room? He must be exhausted." Eleanor put down her parchment on the table in the hallway before raising a hand to knock on John's door.

"Mistress," Tom brow wrinkled, stopping her from knocking.

She turned her head, "It will be fine, Tom. I can handle myself with his excellency."

"He is quite indisposed."

"I can only imagine," she nodded, "Thank you for the warning."

He nodded, "I will take care of the boy."

"Thank you," she smiled at him before knocking on the door.

"Enter."

She pushed open the heavy doors, her eyes adjusting to the dark of the room. The curtains had been drawn. John sat at his desk, his head in his hands. There was a glass of brandy half drunk, but Eleanor could tell it was not his first glass as the decanter was almost empty.

Eleanor silently approached the desk and then reached out to put a tentative hand on his shoulder squeezing it. John jumped but then reached up to put his hand over hers squeezing it.

"Isobel...she was sick...and then..." he choked. "She's gone. I can't even give her a proper burial."

"I know, I'm so sorry, John," Eleanor said, impulsively leaning over to give him a hug. She knew it was not proper decorum for this age, but she could not fight her instincts to comfort her friend.

He let out a long breath and leaned against her, resting his head on her expanding belly. "I did love her. _I did_." It was almost as if he was trying to convince himself of that truth. Eleanor's heart broke for him.

"Of course you did," Eleanor said. "We all know that you did."

"Did you?" John asked. "I cannot even cry for her. I've been trying to imbibe so I could, but I cannot."

Eleanor pulled away and dropped to her knees, "Oh John, I'm so very sorry."

He turned in his chair to face her, "It means that I did not feel what I should have towards her," he told her, his eyes tortured.

"That does not mean anything of the sort," she responded, her voice low. "People deal with grief in their own way. It does not mean that your heart feels one way or another. Of course you loved her. She was a longtime friend before she was your wife. Your tears will come, perhaps when you least expect it. But do not doubt that you _did_ care."

"I couldn't make her happy for as hard as I tried. Perhaps she thought I did not care in the way I should. Did she go to her grave thinking that?"

"I'm sure you made her happier than you know," Eleanor offered.

"But I was borne the wrong person for her," John said, his voice breaking.

Her eyes filled with her own tears as she reached over to grip his arm, "The thing of the matter is, John... perhaps, you were the right person for the right time."

"Good God, how can he not love you still?" John asked, sliding off the chair to drop beside her.

"He does love me, John," she responded, shifting so she wasn't on her knees still. Her voice was earnest, "What we had together was powerful and life giving. But his soul just belongs to someone else."

"And where does _your soul_ belong?" John searched her eyes.

"My soul does not have a home except to my children." Eleanor swallowed hard, "Murtagh understands. And I'm sure Isobel did too."

He reached for her hand, squeezing it. "Do not leave me."

"I'm here," Eleanor said.

He nodded and that sat like that on the floor for the longest time, before John turned to her, "Why are we on the floor?"

"I don't quite know, I thought it was quite odd for you, consider how proper you are, but you are a solider, so then I thought that perhaps I should not have discounted it entirely."

He rose and then reached down to help her up, leading her to the sofa. "What will I do?"

"Well, for one, I do think you should probably refrain from drinking so much midday," Eleanor said, wryly. "but for two, I think you do what you have to do."

"What is that?"

"Choose to live," Eleanor said, "if only for that child in the other room."

"Did you meet William?" John asked.

She nodded.

"What did you think?"

"He is remarkably like Jamie even though his coloring is different. It's the way he carries himself. He's hurting something awful though he is trying to hide it."

"What do I do?"

"You do what you always do when your child is hurt- you comfort them. You just be there for him. You'll know what to say and when to say it."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because," Eleanor gave him a small smile, "You are Lord John. You always know what to say and when to say it."

"I thank you, Madam Fraser," John said, "You are a treasured friend."

She smiled at him, "You are quite far gone, are you not, Lord John?"

"I am afraid I am. My head feels heavy."

Eleanor slid off the couch to make room. "Lie down then."

John immediately feel asleep- more like passed out. Eleanor went in search of a blanket for him. Once she came back and covered him, she went to Tom and make sure that when John woke, that he would have plenty of strong coffee on hand.

* * *

"I'm must apologize, Eleanor," John said, the next night over a game a chess. "My behavior yesterday was unforgivable."

John had slept well through the night and into part of the day. When he awoke, he had sought out William, having a long talk with the boy before supper with her- William eating in his room. She could tell at supper that there was something he wanted to say, but couldn't at the moment. It wasn't until playing chess, that he felt courage enough to apologize.

She moved her piece, "Think nothing of it. You have seen me at low moments before."

"Yes, of course," John looked sheepish. "It was undignified though."

"For you, maybe, but for me, it was not," Eleanor assured him. "Your move."

"Ah, yes, I'm thinking," John said, pondering his next move. He moved his piece. "I do want to thank you for your kindness."

"Please don't," Eleanor moved another piece, "It is among friends."

"Still..." John countered, but Eleanor quickly interjected,

"Look at all you have done for me in the past weeks. I wouldn't have been able to have gone on, being so far away from the children, with it being so long since we will be able to hear from Jamie. You have provided so much peace these few weeks just by being my friend."

John studied the board, but he then looked across it to her, "For the record, I did mean what I said about you- I view you as a treasured friend, Eleanor."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Thank you." Tears of gratitude sprung to her eyes. How different this would have been without him. He did know how to speak to her soul.

The baby gave a strong kick to her ribs and she shifted, "Ouch." She rubbed her rib.

"What is it?" John said.

"My child decided to kick me in the ribs."

John laughed, "Does that mean he or she likes me or not?"

She laughed in turn, "He or she will definitely like you, Lord John. I am determined to make you his or her godfather if you are willing."

"I am that. Honored again," John said, "but your husband will surely have words. I am far from- very far from-his favorite person."

Eleanor shrugged, "It's my child too. I don't see how he has much of a choice. He is after all, very far away."

John gave her a small shake of his head in disbelief. "You can be very stubborn, Eleanor."

"One of my finer qualities, your excellency."

"Indeed," John said.

Eleanor giggled. "Checkmate."

John put his hands on the board, in disbelief, his eyes scanning it. "You are right."

"Of course I am."

"The pupil has exceeded her master," John commented.

"Only because the pupil distracted her master..." Eleanor retorted, with a smile. "But it does feel good. No offense."

"Not taken," John smiled at her.

* * *

William was undoubtably stand-offish towards her, not that she could blame him. John had to keep prompting him to engage in their conversations until Eleanor entreated him not to push William to act a certain way. They had vaguely explained her presence but Eleanor could tell it bothered him to have another woman so close to his Papa. John, taking the wisdom of a five time- almost six time mother, backed off.

Eleanor found William in the garden one day weeks later.

"Are you bored?" she asked him.

William swatted at another mosquito. "This awful place. I hate it."

"I do not blame you one bit," Eleanor said. "It is hot and buggy and just awful. But will you come with me?"

William wrinkled his nose, "I suppose, there is nothing better to do. Will Papa mind?"

Eleanor titled her head, "I doubt it. He is away visiting another part of an island today."

"What are we doing, Mistress Fitzgibbons?"

"Going in search of a bloody breeze," Eleanor said, fanning herself.

William looked off put for a minute and then said, "Let me change my shoes."

* * *

"You must be so bored," Eleanor said as she led him up the hill, her hand supporting her belly.

William acknowledged with a nod of his head. He looked so much like Jamie the way he carried himself. Eleanor wondered how her little ones were doing with their father. Her mind wandered.

"Madam," William reached out to grab her as she tripped over a fallen root.

"Thank you," Eleanor said, "I did not see it."

"Clearly," William retorted, "What were you thinking of?"

"My children," Eleanor replied easily.

William looked uneasy, "Father said they were kidnapped."

"Yes," Eleanor nodded, "but thankfully they are safe with their father now."

"Do you miss them?" William asked, glancing at her.

"Every moment of every day," Eleanor said, swatting a mosquito from biting her neck. "I try to keep busy, to distract myself. If I was bored, then I would allow myself to dwell," She said, her voice casual. "It isn't like I forget about them, because how could I? But I have to choose to go on."

William pushed away a tree palm. "I think of my mother often. Both ones- the one who died when I was a baby and the one who raised me."

Eleanor nodded, "And when you do, you honor them. But being a mother myself, I think if anything happened to me, I would want my child to go on- to be the best they can be. And that would honor me the most."

Willam became quiet, thinking of the words she said as they continued to walk in silence.

Finally William said, "Papa says you are very opinionated for a woman."

Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "Did he?"

"But he said that you are also very wise and that I should treat you with kindness. That your opinions are usually good ones."

"Your Papa is very wise as well, William." They reached the top of the hill overlooking a cove. The breeze rolled off the ocean. "Ahh, there it is," she murmured. "Blessed breeze."

William sighed in relief. "That feels so much better."

"Doesn't it?" Eleanor marveled.

"Papa said that he will send for another tutor when he can," William said, "The last one was entirely dreadful."

Eleanor shaded her eyes, and looked at him.

"You forgot your hat, Mistress Fitzgibbons."

"Yes, I did," Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "I taught my nephew and his friends in the period that they did not have a school master. We could..." she shrugged. "If you wish...not to pass your day in boredom."

"A woman?" William frowned, looking quite like Jamie when perturbed at her.

"I beat your Papa twice in chess now," Eleanor offered.

"Have you?" William's mouth dropped in shock.

She smirked at him, "That's how Lord John's face looked when I declared," she leaned to whisper, "checkmate."

William laughed at her, "Very well. It is better than Tom forcing me outside to play."

"That's the spirit!" Eleanor declared. "I'm going to make it quite diverting!"

* * *

John pulled out the chair for her, "Eleanor, dear, did you forget your hat again?"

"Thank you," Eleanor said, "And yes, quite unladylike of me to be so red and not the cause of it being your dreadful dinner parties."

William tried to hide a snicker, but was unsuccessful.

"Regardless of that, I'm going to set Tom upon you, if you do not remember in the future," John warned, with a look at William who started to laugh harder at them. He smiled at his stepson. "What did you do to entertain yourself today?"

"Madam Fitzgibbons and I went to find the breeze," William said. "And then we came home and she mixed things together in the kitchen and made it explode. The cook had a fit with her."

John looked at Eleanor, his mouth dropping.

She leaned over, "It was an experiment. And I cleaned up afterwards. William helped me."

"Did he indeed?" He took a bite, "I'm certain it was quite educational."

"Indeed, it was, your excellency," Eleanor said, nodding.

He gave her the side eye, "Oh, I can tell already, you are up to something. Well, what is it, Madam Fitzgibbons?"

Eleanor looked briefly at William before saying, "If you don't mind, Lord John, William has graciously allowed me to coerce him into some lessons...to keep me busy and out of trouble."

"I don't see why not," John said, dryly, "it seems like you had a fine start today. It would be good for William to occupy his time in a productive way. As long at is productive and does not create such a stir with the household."

Eleanor looked thrilled and William smiled at her. If today was any indication, Mistress Fitzgibbons had alot up her sleeve.

When they finished supper and John sent William up to read before bed, Eleanor joined him in his study.

"Do try to stay out of trouble with William, Eleanor," John said, pouring himself a drink. "And take care of yourself. Jamie will have my head if you do not."

She rubbed her back, "I will. William needed something to occupy himself," she said, her voice low. "I know how he feels. It is hard not to dwell when there is nothing to do. And while I cannot help my own children heal from whatever trauma they faced right now, I can endeavor to help your son."

"And Jamie's as well," John said, his voice low.

She met his eyes, "I think it is what he would want, do you not?"

"I do," John said, evenly. He studied her, carefully. "Are you worried that you have not heard from Jamie?"

She swallowed hard, "News takes months in these parts."

He nodded, "I would not fret."

She bit her lip, "Yet, I still do."

He reached to lightly touch her arm, "Jamie is more than capable of caring for the children, Eleanor."

She nodded, "I know that, but sometimes," she swallowed hard, "I fear..." she bit her lip, "It's silly."

"I am certain it is not," John said, his voice comforting.

"I fear that the children will see Claire more as their mother than myself...since she will have been with them. Rosie was so young when taken, Sam was older, but still very young. I am pretty sure Mac will remember me, but they are going to become attached to her." She twined her hands, anxious. "If she can help them, then of course, I am glad for it, but still...it hurts to think of."

"You are their mother," John said, "And she did take Jamie. It would be well within your rights to feel jealously."

She sighed and put her hand on her flushed cheeks, "Murtagh would tell me I am being ridiculous."

"And that would be insensitive to your very valid points," John countered. "You have to be allowed to feel, Eleanor. Of course, it would bother you. But once you are with the children again, they will take to you, I am certain of it."

"How are you so certain?"

"Just look at William," John said, "You spent the day with him and he is completely endeared to you, and that does not come easily for him."

"He is so much like Jamie," Eleanor whispered. "I don't just miss the children, I miss their father. I don't know if that makes me adulterous or what..."

He reached out and squeezed her hand. "It makes you human."

She allowed the tears to fall, her heart ready to burst with longing for her children and for Jamie. John just sat with her quietly, allowing her to feel, sensing she needed the quiet companionship. They sat there in the quiet for the longest time before Eleanor turned to him.

"I'm sorry for falling apart."

He smiled at her gently, "It is among friends." He repeated the same words she said to him a few weeks before.

She returned it, "Indeed, it is."

**A/N**: would love your thoughts. :)


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N**: Merry Christmas/Happy holidays a bit early! I don't anticipate posting again until after Christmas as there is SO much to do this time of year, especially with little ones at home.

As always, thank you SOO much for all who have taken the time to review. This chapter became soooo long! I'm more than a bit nervous to see the reaction to this chapter, but hopefully this all feels in line with the story and all of the characters. Hopefully people don't hate it...let me know what you think, good and bad!

Here we go...

**Chapter 23**:

William kicked his feet against the settee beside Eleanor as she knit while John read to them.

When he finished the chapter, Eleanor began her questioning of William, pushing him to think about the characters, their traits and motivations and in doing so, giving the young Earl a gentle, very subtle nudge to loosen his preconceived notion of class and character.

"Do you not think that two people from different backgrounds, different stations can have the same traits?" Eleanor asked, causally as she twisted around the yarn.

William frowned deeply as he looked to his Papa who gave him a small smile. "Well, I think you are very smart for a woman," he said.

She laughed, "Thank you, William, but I wasn't fishing for a compliment."

"Though she always welcomes one," John interjected, with a chuckle.

"Naturally, Lord John," she retorted and then grunted as she made an error and had to undo a line of knitting.

William looked between them, "I once knew I man who I thought was very honorable and strong just like Papa, but he was only our stablehand."

Eleanor paused, "Did you?" her voice was a whisper.

"I think we called him..." William paused, looking to John. "Mackenzie, is that not right, Papa?"

John cleared his throat, "That is correct, William."

Eleanor flushed, "Oh goodness, I have created quite the mess here." She unraveled several layers.

William looked over her shoulder. "Is it supposed to look like that, Madam Fitzgibbons?"

"No," She made a face at him.

William glanced at Lord John, "I think we need to get some clothes made for Madam Fitzgibbons' child," he said, seriously. "or the poor baby won't have anything to wear."

John stifled a laugh as he caught Eleanor's eye. "We can do that, certainly, William. But," he closed the book, "I think it is time for bed. Go on and I will check on you in a few minutes."

"Yes, Papa," William leaned down to give Eleanor a hug, "Goodnight, Madam Fitzgibbons."

She reached up to return the hug. "Goodnight, William. Sweet dreams."

He left them and Eleanor looked to John, who began to laugh. "Out of the mouth of babes," he said.

She couldn't help but smile. "Jamie could actually knit better than me," she said.

John raised an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

She giggled, "Yes, it was such a sight to see." She picked back up the small sweater and made another face.

"I wouldn't fret, Eleanor," John said, "I have already arranged to make sure the baby has what it needs just in case your knitting did not turn into anything useable."

Eleanor laughed more. "Oh, thank God. Do you not think of everything?"

"Well, as much as I appreciate the compliment, this was a rather obvious need," John said, dryly and Eleanor swatted at him.

* * *

"A letter?" Eleanor asked, "_Finally!_"

John took the letter opener and opened it, sitting down on the couch. He patted the seat next to him, "Come sit and stop pacing."

"Why did he address it to you and not to me?" Eleanor asked, sitting next to him. Her brow creased in worry as she shifted, her back aching. She reached around to rub it. "Are the children alright?"

"Eleanor," John looked up, "The children are well. Jamie said to tell you that right off."

"Then, _what is it_?" Eleanor bit her lip.

"Please be patient a little longer," John entreated. "I cannot read this properly with you questioning me ever other word. At this rate, we'll be here hours."

Eleanor reached for the cushion and hugged the pillow, leaning against it, trying to breathe. She felt her heart must burst as she waited for John to read through his portion of the letter. John reached out to gently touch her arm as he read, sensing her anxiety. And Eleanor was anxious. She had this feeling in the pit of her stomach, something was not right for Jamie to write to John and not her. He was trying to protect her from something, ease the blow of something. But what? If not the children, what could it be?

John's expression did not waver as he read through it, then folded it carefully and pocketed it. He left a sealed envelope on his lap.

Eleanor cleared her throat as she tried to ascertain his expression. "Did they make it safely to Scotland?"

"No," John turned towards her, "They are in the colonies."

"The colonies!" Eleanor titled her head, "Are they really?"

"Your home, is it not?"

"Yes, Virginia was my home," She nodded. "You are frightening me," she put her hand on her stomach where the baby was kicking her fiercely. "What is the matter?"

"I need to talk to you, Eleanor," He said, seriously, picking up the letter to hand it to her, "This is a letter from Jamie to you, but before you read it, Jamie asked me to reveal the contents to you, especially in your still delicate state."

"I see," she looked at him evenly, taking the letter, "How did they end up in the colonies?"

"Shipwreck."

"Oh dear God," Eleanor's heart froze, "Is everyone safe?" she gasped.

John's hand rubbed her arm, "Not quite everyone."

She swallowed hard, "Just tell me."

"It's Mr. Fitzgibbons," John said, his voice low. "I'm sorry, my dear. He did not make it with the others."

Eleanor's eyes grew wide as she jolted up, the letter dropping to the floor. "Oh my God."

She struggled to process the information, pacing around the room for a few minutes, before turning to John.

"I must check on William. He might need me help with the lesson I left him."

John went over to her side, "Surely, that can wait."

She shook her head, "I just cannot face this right now."

"Very well, whatever you need to do," He told her, his voice gentle, and allowed her to flee, before going and retrieving Jamie's letter from off the floor, keeping it safe for her.

* * *

"What is wrong with Madam Fitzgibbons?" William said, frowning after Eleanor excused herself from supper, after offering to read to William before bed, "She does not seem herself."

"She had some bad news today," John put his arm around his stepson. "You must be especially kind to her in these next few days."

"She did not say that she received bad news," William said, his frown deepening. "What kind of news?"

"Her husband has passed," John said. "I do not think she wishes to talk about it."

"She has helped me so much this past few weeks," William said. "I did not wish to talk about Mother either."

John nodded, "When she is ready she will talk about it, just like you will, when you are ready, William. I am here for both of you when you need it."

And as John said those words, he had the same thought came to mind that he had been mulling over all day- one solution to Eleanor's problems. He just could not anticipate what she would say to it.

* * *

Eleanor put the bookmark in the chapter of _Gulliver's Travels_. "We can read more tomorrow, William, but it is bedtime."

"Thank you for reading to me, Madam Fitzgibbons," William said.

"I love reading to you," Ellie said, "Put your feet in that bed and I'll tuck you in and put the mosquito netting up unless you are too old for such things."

"I do not wish to be too old," William said, honestly, "Mother would always do so, even when I said I was too old."

"That is because," Eleanor arranged the blankets, "Mothers always have a soft spot in their hearts for their sons."

"I'm sorry about Mr. Fitzgibbons," William said, "Papa said I shouldn't talk about it, but I wanted you to know."

Eleanor reached out to touch William's face, "Thank you, William. That means the world to me." She stood up and leaned over to give him a kiss on the head. "Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight, Madam Fitzgibbons," William said and turned over on his side while Eleanor put the mosquito netting up. She turned to see John standing at the door, tears in his eyes, moved by the scene he witnessed. Eleanor had brought out a different side of William- one that they had only seen glimpses of before.

She blew out the lamp and then went to John's side. He allowed her to exit the door, closing it behind him, tightly.

"May we talk?" she asked, her voice cracking.

"Of course," he nodded and took her by the elbow, leading her downstairs to the study. He gently eased her on the couch, Eleanor holding her belly.

"Is the child bothering you tonight?"

Eleanor nodded. "I do not feel very well."

John's brow creased. "Do you think your time is here?"

"I don't know," she said, but shifted again, her back aching. "I'm sorry I ran out on you this morning."

"Why did you?" John asked.

"I feel such guilt," Eleanor admitted.

"Whatever do _you_ have to feel guilty for?" John asked, aghast.

"More than you can know," Eleanor murmured, but then said more clearly, "He was so good to me and I was so selfish." Tears fell rapidly. "He was such a good man. A friend to me from the very beginning. He was so steady with me. I cannot do this without him."

John scooted closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "He was an old coot."

"Of course, the worse," She sniffed hard, "But he stepped in for me in such an enormous way after Claire returned. What am I to do?"

John reached into his pocket to retrieve the letter, "You must read Jamie's letter, Eleanor."

She nodded. "I know. I just dread it." She dropped her head briefly on his shoulder before straightening and gathering her resolve.

"Would you like me to leave?"

She shook her head swiftly, "No. Please stay with me if you do not mind."

"Of course I do not mind," He nodded but backed away from her to give her space. She took the letter from his hand and ripped the seal open, unfolding it.

_Dear Eleanor,_

_Forgive me for not writing sooner. We have been busy tending for the children, both their physical and emotional needs. They have grown in the past year, ye will hardly recognize our Rosie. The wee lads especially miss ye desperately and are counting down the days before ye return to us. I hope yer burden is not too heavy for ye as ye reach the end of yer confinement and that ye are safe with Lord John and Lady Isobel. We think of ye daily and pray fer yer protection and safety as well as fer the child ye bear._

_By this time, John will have told ye the news about Murtagh. My heart is shattered, lassie, over Murtagh's passing as I am sure yours is as well. Ken that he was fond of you to the very end. We had discussed the possibility of one of us not making it and his greatest wish was that ye remain under the protection of myself and Claire as we raise our bairns together. Mo ghraidh, I need ye here. Ye are an irreplaceable member of my family, of my clan. Claire and I have decided to stay in the Colonies, in your homeland. We have land in the wilderness of North Carolina and when ye are able, we wish ye to travel to us. The children are desperate to see ye and to meet their brother or sister. Ken that the child will be raised as one of ours. It is my vow to you, mo ghraidh. Come to us and let us care for ye._

_Mac has enclosed a letter for his beloved mama. He has been working hard on his letters. I ken that it will brighten yer day as much as it did us all to think of ye reading it._

_Your humble servant,_

_James Fraser_

She handed the letter to John with a nod for him to read it and then looked at the letter from her eldest, dissecting every detail of the drawing and writing and then holding it against her chest.

"Do you think that Claire knows the hold you still have over Jamie?"

She turned to John and let out her breath, "He feels guilty."

"He loved you, Eleanor and he still does."

"Please, don't," Ellie retorted, "I cannot think about it and do what I must."

"What _must_ you do?"

"Return to them. See them build a life together. Fergus and Marsali. Jamie and Claire. Somehow raise this child and hold onto hope when that has quite alluded me lately. Try to pick up the broken pieces of whatever trauma my wee ones faced. Good Lord, it all seems impossible. The Carolina Wilderness..." she frowned. "That is so out of my comfort. I wanted to return the children to Lallybroch."

"They should have consulted you," John said, his voice low.

Eleanor winced, "Yes, I agree. It is perfect for Jamie though. I can see why he would want to." She sighed and shifted again, unable to get the pain to subside. "If it was Jamie and I...I would go to the ends of the earth for him, but if I am not doing it _with_ Jamie..." she paused, "I suppose all of this doesn't matter. I must go."

"There is another option," John said quietly. "Perhaps, preferable to you and your broken heart."

"What option is that?" Eleanor rubbed her back which was starting to crescendo in pain.

He met her eyes, "You could marry _me_. Isobel had property in Virginia. We'll take all of the children there and raise the lot of them...after the appropriate amount of time has passed."

Eleanor's mouth opened up in surprise, but was unable to say anything.

"Please tell me you are not offended by the offer."

"Offended?" Eleanor's voice cracked, "Of course, I am not offended. I am..." she looked at him in wonder, "I just don't understand."

"It seems like the most honorable thing to do at the moment. And you make me want to strive to be honorable, Eleanor."

"John," Eleanor shook her head at him, "You are the most honorable man I know. I have nothing to do with that."

"I thank you," John said, looking at her, his mouth turned in amusement at her shock. "Do you really think this is all that shocking?"

"Well, I don't know," Eleanor murmured, frowning, "I just don't think you know really what you are asking for."

"I realize it will be not a dull life..." John said, "And then of course, with the children."

She couldn't help but smile at him. "I'm glad you find me entertaining, but still..." She tried to find a comfortable position on the couch. She shifted again, wincing in pain this time. "Raising five children will be..."

"Lively?" John supplied for her.

"Chaotic," She titled her head, "It is not something to take lightly, especially when..." she paused, moving again to try to ease the pain in her back.

"Do not mistake me, I do not take it lightly, Eleanor. This is not something I thought on a whim. It has been with me all day."

"It's a very kind and tempting offer," Eleanor swallowed, "but I would not be your friend if I said yes."

"What do you mean?" John asked, studying her.

"I know about..." she bit her lip, "I mean, I think you know I know."

"Know?" John titled his head, questioning.

"From the conversation in Edinburgh we had about Jamie...about you seeing yourself in me...though Jamie would never betray a confidence to confirm what I know. Or I think I know." Her hand moved back to her stomach. "About...everything." She swallowed hard. "I don't care. I just...do you understand why I am surprised and why I cannot accept?"

"I see," John nodded, seriously, "I will not deny it, but I was a respectable husband to Isobel and I will be to you too."

"I know you were and I know you did love her. And it doesn't _truly_ matter...I've had passion with two men that I have loved and Murtagh and I...I mean obviously... " she shrugged. "I do not doubt _you_, John. I doubt that this is the right course _for you_. And I care too much _for you_ to say yes."

"Eleanor," John looked at her earnestly, "It isn't as if I can..." he paused. "I cannot put this delicately. My family knows nothing of my...inclinations...and the law, well, it is quite clear on the point. I will not deny that it who I am, but if you have known for years and still you accept me as your friend, and this is the offer I am making you with all sincerity of what I wish, then how can you doubt my word?"

"I just wish the best for you as well..." Eleanor said.

"Do you truly not think I know my own heart and mind well enough to know what is best for me?"

"All that aside," Eleanor frowned. "if you feel like you must marry again for whatever reason, you should choose someone closer to your station. Your brother is a Duke."

John gave her a disbelieving look, "Considering your conversations with William of late, I cannot believe you would think that and if you think that of me, then perhaps this _is_ a foolish idea."

"John," Eleanor's voice was weary as she heavily shifted again. The pain started to strengthen again...

"I disagree whole heartedly. You are remarkable in so many ways. We are well suited to each other. I have cherished these months together."

"I have as well, more than you know," she said, in a low voice, "But regardless, I just don't think I can take Jamie's children away from him. I am not heartless. And I cannot bear to be apart from them."

"We can split time between North Carolina and Virginia," John said, "I do not know the particulars, but I have thought of this all day, Eleanor, since you have received the news this morning. I will not see you brokenhearted again. And if there is any one who can help you navigate through these waters with Jamie, it is I."

"I do not doubt that," she whispered, "but you do not have to fix my messes. It lies with me and me alone."

"You have done nothing wrong."

"Oh, John, I have done everything wrong," Eleanor swallowed hard and stood, "But maybe, may we discuss this later?"

"Of course," John rose. "When do you wish to discuss it?"

"Maybe..." Eleanor leaned over, breathing heavily as pain gripped her, "After I have this child? Would that work?"

John's eyes grew wide. "Are you certain?"

She nodded, "Do you think you could help me upstairs?"

"Of course," he said as he began to help her towards the door.

She bit her lip, "I don't know if I can do this without Jamie."

"If there is one wish I would have for you," John said, "is that you would realize the strength you have within. For we all see it..._daily_. Please stop doubting yourself. Will you try?"

She nodded. "I will try."

* * *

The next day, John stood outside Eleanor's door, pale faced and twisting his clammy hands. Willie came up beside him, "Papa, is she going to...?" He winced as he heard another scream.

"No, I'm sure not," but John's face paled further. "They are tending to her now. They have aided in childbirth before, but if only there was a bloody doctor available."

Another cry- full of agony. It was lasting far too long.

_Jamie, help me!_

"Who is she calling for?" William asked, frowning.

"I'm not quite sure," John said, but he knew precisely who she was calling for- she had for the past hour- and his heart again lurched. "Why don't you go outside for a bit of fresh air? This could last for hours longer and it is still bloody hot in here."

Willie looked at the door, frowning. "I did not want to like her, Father. She was here when Mother was not. But I do," Willie straightened his shoulders, "I like her."

John reached over to squeeze William's shoulder. "I know precisely how you feel. I felt the same way at first when I met her many years ago."

More screaming, this time getting weaker. Willie's face showed his horror, "Papa, you must do something."

"Do not worry, son. Eleanor will be fine. Go outside for that walk, please."

William looked reluctant, but John's face had turned stern and he obeyed without any further protest.

John looked towards the door. He felt so helpless and uncertain of what to do. The door creaked open and Susanna came out with a basin.

"Your excellency," she curtseyed.

"How is Madam Fitzgibbons?" John inquired.

Susanna looked worried. "I cannot say fer certain."

"What does the midwife say?"

"She does not know how this will end," Susanna said, her voice low.

John's heart dropped as he grew very still, "Is she in danger?" his voice quivered.

Susanna nodded. "She senses it. She will not calm."

John took a breath, squared his shoulders, and stepped towards the door. He reached his hand out and twisted the doorknob, pushing it open.

Eleanor took one look at him from her perch on the bed and began to sob. Her hair was damp from exertion, hanging loose. Her face was unbelievably drawn and pale. She had the sheet pulled up to give her some sense of modesty, but he could tell she had reached the end of her tolerance.

"Your excellency. You should not be in here," the midwife grunted.

"Oh, thank God, John," Eleanor reached out her hand for him. "You must tell Jamie...you must tell him for me. Will you tell him?"

He glanced at the midwife who shrugged.

"My dear Eleanor," John went to sit on the bed next to her. "Tell me what I can do to help ease this."

"There is nothing to be done," Eleanor's voice shook, "I am going to die today."

"No, sweetheart." He soothed.

"I do not wish to die alone."

"You aren't going to die. Take my hand," John reached for her hand, squeezing it. "You are not alone any longer."

"I'm scared."

"I know, but I am here now," He looked towards the midwife. "Why is this taking so long?" he demanded, taking full command of the situation.

"It is not abnormally long, your excellency."

He turned to Eleanor with raised eyebrows, a signal for her opinion on the matter.

"This is my six child, John. Starting with Sam, they have come quickly. Something is not right. I can feel it. I am not being theatrical. _I feel it_."

John squeezed her hand, gripping it tight, as she began to cry out in another pain. He did not even know what he said to her, but the words came out, low and soothing as he reached for a cloth to began to blot her head. The pain subsided and he turned again to the midwife.

"If there is something wrong, I insist that you tell us now," John said.

"The baby is breech," The midwife said, her voice low. "It is why it is taking so long."

"Oh God help me!" Eleanor cried. "I need Jamie! He swore to me. _He swore it to me_."

"He swore what to you?" John asked his hand still clasped in her. "What is it? What did he promise you, sweetheart?"

"He swore an oath to me that he would be with me when I died. I cannot face this without him!"

John leaned down and got into her face, "You are _not_ dying tonight, Eleanor Fraser. _Do you hear me?_"

"It is my punishment," Eleanor sniffed, "I was such a damn fool. God, why was I so stupid?"

He glanced at the midwife, who signaled to the other ladies in the room. "We will get some more water and be back in a few minutes," she said, softly, "Try to calm her. There will be no hope if she does not calm." She left, clicking the door behind her.

"It's hot," Eleanor swallowed hard.

John blotted the cloth with more water, putting it on her head. "Unbearably. Wretched country."

"Yes," Eleanor chuckled. "Thank you for coming in here. I know this is not proper. I am shocked you would do so."

"I am a bit surprised myself." John admitted. "But truth be told, I simply could not bear to hear your cries for one minute longer without me trying to comfort you. I had to send William out. He is besides himself."

Eleanor looked distraught, "I'm so sorry. I did not think. I should have been quieter."

"No, you have the right to scream," John said. "This is an awful business."

"Yes, it is."

"Now," John asked, his voice was low and his tone gentle. "Will you tell me what happened, Eleanor? Why would you think you are being punished?"

Tears fell, "I shouldn't have gone to him. I knew it was foolish, but Murtagh insisted that I try."

"Gone to Jamie?" John frowned. "When was this?"

"On the ship," Eleanor's eyes became distant, "You will not think me the same to hear this story."

"Yet, I wish to hear it. Will you tell me?"

She nodded. "I will tell you," she bit her lip as she launched into her story.

* * *

_9 months earlier_:

"Ye must go to him, Ellie," Murtagh entreated. "He is goin to get himself killed."

"You are his godfather," Eleanor said. "If he will not listen to you, who will he listen to?"

"Listen to me," Murtagh gripped her arms, "I made an oath to Ellen Fraser that I would do everythin in my power to keep her lad safe, even if from himself. I need ye to go to him and try to reason with him."

"His wife is dead," Eleanor said. "What am I to say to him?"

"Ye healed his heart once before, ye can heal it again."

Eleanor yanked herself away from him, "At what cost to me?" she cried. "I cannot."

"Ye must," Murtagh said, staring at her. "I dinnae ken what he will do if he doesna see reason. Ye must remind him of the reason we are here to begin with. Eleanor, I need ye to go to Jamie, now. I willna judge what happens between ye and him. And if it ends with ye deciding to let go of our handfasting vows, then I will be glad fer ye."

She swallowed hard, "I cannot, Murtagh. It is too much."

"Ye must."

"Are you commanding me to?"

"Aye," Murtagh was resolute, "If that is what it takes- ye are as stubborn as he is."

She sniffed and wiped at her eyes, "Fine. I will go sweet talk the Captain."

"Thank ye," he nodded at her.

She shook her head at him and stomped off.

Later the door to the cabin that Jamie was locked in, pushed open. "I will give ye the time ye need, Mistress Fitzgibbons. When ye are ready, ye can knock and the guard will let ye out."

"Thank you," she said. She stepped into the cabin and the door closed behind her.

Jamie was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. "What are ye doin here?" he said, gruffly.

She crossed her arms, "It isn't like I want to be here, James. Murtagh basically commanded me here."

Jamie laughed, "Aye, I am sure he did. Go away."

She stared at him, her temper sparked, "Well, now that I am here, I really don't feel like leaving at your command. Go here. Go there. Do this. Do that. Damn you stubborn Scots. I think I will stay for a while."

She went to sit on the chair at the table in the cabin.

"Suit yerself, lassie," Jamie said.

They both sat in stormy silence for what seemed like forever, Eleanor getting more and more worked up.

She began to tap her fingers against the table, "Do you know what pisses me off the most, James Fraser?"

He lifted his head, his eyes stormy, "What is that?" he growled.

She rose. "You don't give a damn about the fucking reason we are here to begin with! Getting yourself locked up! I'm sorry about Claire, truly, but we have three children that were kidnapped and are God knows where. Get your crap together, Fraser. You selfish, awful bastard...I hate you so much right now!"

Jamie jumped up and lunged towards her. "Don't you dare speak to me like that."

She laughed, "I don't think you can stop me."

He grabbed her and pushed her against the table. "Say it again, Eleanor."

"What are you going to do?" she said, recklessly. "I am not your wife anymore. It isn't like you can beat me into submission again."

His eyes grew dark. "That was uncalled for."

"Uncalled for?" Eleanor scoffed. "Do you know what is uncalled for? You throwing a temper tantrum and ending up in here. Do you not even care? They are our children and how are you going to help them in here, Jamie? Did you never love them to begin with? Was it all about her?"

He reached to roughly grip her face, "Dinnae say that."

"I do not think you loved us. _At all_."

"Damn ye, woman. Ye chose fer us!" his voice was strangled.

"I didn't think I had a choice. I did it for _you_!" She retorted.

"We were husband and wife fer five years, Eleanor! _Five years_. And ye made it seem like nothin."

Eleanor's lip trembled. "It _was_ nothing compared to the great love you had for her! It's always been about her."

"It has not always been aboot her!" He responded, by pulling her face to his, kissing her roughly.

She yanked herself away. "I will not."

"Do ye not want me? Maybe it is ye who did not love me."

She closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears that now were threatening to erupt. Her body shook with anger, despair, passion...she tried to hold in her emotions. But she couldn't.

"God, James Fraser, I think I will want you and love you until the day I die." The words came out as a sob.

Jamie stilled. They stared at each other for the longest time, Jamie now shaking as well.

When the words came out, they were a whisper. "I'm verra sorry, mo ghraidh. Truly."

She began to cry, the tears streaming down her cheeks. "I did not want to fall in love with you. Do you remember?"

"Aye, I ken." He went to her and pulled her into him, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing in her scent. "I canna get myself out of this...despair. When she was away...she was alive...and now she is gone forever. And ye...ye are gone to me as well. I destroyed our family."

She shook her head, "No, my love. Our family will be whole again. We will see to it."

"But will I?" Jamie asked, rubbing his forehead against hers, his breath against her. "I have to be able to feel hope. I canna feel any hope. It was like it was before."

She reached to put her hands on his face, cradling them. She lifted his face so he could look in her eyes.

"Do not despair. There is always hope, Jamie. You'll find it again."

"I cannot."

She swallowed hard, her eyes still on his, and then reached to put her hand against his chest. "Your heart is beating fast," she murmured. He put his hand over hers, capturing it in his.

"Mo ghraidh."

She nearly melted at the tenderness in his voice and his hand over hers. She stood there with him, feeling the beat of his heart beneath her hand.

"Sometimes," she whispered, "I want to believe it wasn't real...so it would hurt less."

Jamie made a guttural noise as the tears sprung to his own eyes. "But it was real."

The tears continued to flow down her face. "Was it? Was it truly?"

Jamie leaned to gently kiss them. Her heart ached, full of want for him.

His mouth moved to her lips, kissing her deeply, achingly tender. Then the kiss grew more insistent. Eleanor moaned and it was all it took for Jamie to scoop her up and take her to his bed, where his passion for her took over and she met him, with her own.

* * *

_9 months later_

"Oh my dear, Eleanor," John gripped her hand. "Of course, you gave way to him. You would have done anything to heal his heart again."

"I love him so."

"I know you do."

"I'm so ashamed. He was free to do what he wished, I wasn't. Not really. I just couldn't have him in pain and me not be able to get through to him," she said. "And it was like nothing had changed...for that one night." Another pain seized her and John longed to shield her from whatever was to come but felt completely powerless to do so. She gripped his hand tightly, trying to stifle the scream.

When it finally eased, he asked, "And what happened after that?"

She swallowed hard. "We were together for hours that day. I needed him that night as much as he needed me. Losing him and the children...it had taken its toll, but in that time with Jamie, it seemed like I could breathe again. But when morning came, he kissed my hand and told me that we couldn't do it again until things were settled...with Murtagh and I...and until we were married again. But he said that I needed to think of what I wanted. That we should wait until after we had the children. But then Claire came back and our choice was made."

"Oh Eleanor," John let out a breath.

"It served its purpose. Jamie was himself again after that night. I got him out of the abyss, but plunged myself back into it." She paused, "Do you think me to be awful?"

"Not in the least," he reassured her. "I think you responded with your heart. I'm just sorry it got broken yet again. I could throttle Jamie."

"Do you see why I cannot marry you?"

"I don't see it as a reason not to...I very much see it as a reason to," John said. "You cannot continue this back and forth with Jamie, Eleanor. It is a recipe for heartache...especially now." He paused. "The baby..." he asked, "Is it..."

"It's Jamie's." Eleanor whispered.

"How certain are you?" John asked, his voice tender.

"There is no possibility of it being anyone else's."

"I see..." John searched her eyes, "But Mr. Fitzgibbons referred to the child as his own."

"Of course he did," Eleanor sniffed, "Murtagh said it would go to his grave when Claire returned. He took me back like nothing had ever happened. But it did. And now I am being punished. He's dead and it should be me. I'm going to die tonight."

"No," John swallowed hard.

"What if she or he looks like him? Or like our other children? It might be best if I just die."

"You mustn't say such dreadful things," John's rebuke was harsh, "I refuse to let you die, Eleanor. I promised Jamie I would take care of you and I will not be the one to have to look upon him and tell him that you have died. Do you hear me?"

"I'm sorry," Eleanor whispered.

"No, dear," John's voice softened, "I am sorry. I was harsher than I wanted to be."

She gave him a small smile, "Sometimes I need that. Jamie would always have to come in and get in my face when I felt like I could not go on."

John smiled at her, "What can we do? You have done this before. Tell me a solution."

"I'm not sure," Eleanor swallowed. "If the baby is breach, I think it can be turned perhaps..."

At her words, John leapt into action.

* * *

_North Carolina_:

"What is wrong, Rosie, leannan?" Jamie murmured as the child refused to settle. He held her against him as she cried into his chest, screaming. Jamie spoke in Gaelic to her, trying to calm the poor lass down. He rubbed her back. "I wish yer mama was here. She always kens what to do, my love."

Mac came bounding outside. "What's wrong with Rosie?"

Jamie looked over and frowned, "I dinnae ken, but I ken what is wrong with Mac. Ye are supposed to be in bed." Jamie's voice was stern. "I canna have bedtime be such a battle with ye wee lads over and over again."

"Aye, but I canna sleep with Rosie hollering. Tis not my fault, Da!"

Jamie let out a long breath, "Where is Sam?"

"Claire is holding him," Mac said.

"Is he asleep?"

"I dinnae think so."

Jamie grunted and then shifted Rosie to one arm and held out his other for Mac. "Weel, climb up, ye wee rascal."

He climbed onto Jamie's knee and Rosie looked over at her brother, sniffling.

"Maybe we need to sing Mama's song. Do ye remember, Da?"

Jamie stilled. "Do ye remember that?"

"Aye, Da," Mac nodded. "She sung it all the time. I would sing it to Rosie and Sam when we were taken."

Jamie's eyes welled up with tears, "Oh, my lad," he whispered and then lean to kiss him on the head. "Aye, let's sing it fer Rosie now. Will ye help me?"

Mac nodded.

_Jesus loves me this I know...for the Bible tells me so...Little ones to him belong, they are weak, but He is strong..._

Later that night, long after Jamie had put a settled Rosie and Mac into bed, he sat on the steps of the small cabin that had just been completed, his head in his hands. He felt so unsettled.

Claire came out of the cabin and sat next to him. She put her arm around him, "What is it?" she asked, leaning her head on his.

"I dinnae ken," Jamie frowned. He pulled away to look at her, "I feel somethin in my bones. It's Eleanor. I canna help to feel something might not be right."

Claire frowned, "You are probably just worried since it is so close to her confinement being over."

"Aye," he rubbed his eyes, "Maybe so."

She titled her head, "Come to bed, Jamie. You are shattered."

"In a few minutes," Jamie said, kissing her. "You go on."

She left him on the porch and he buried his head in his hands.

_"Lord keep her safe. Her and the child she bears..."_

* * *

_Jamaica_

"You have to hold her down," Susanna said. "That is what she says."

Eleanor looked between John and the wrinkled African woman, who was speaking to Susanna in sharp tones.

"It will be painful," Susanna said.

John looked to Eleanor, who nodded.

"I'm sorry," John whispered.

"Shh, just tell her to do it," Eleanor said, "We have to act fast, it has already been too long. If it saves my life..."

John nodded his consent and then reached to pin Eleanor down as she screamed out in pain, gut wrenching screams that pierced him to his very core.

* * *

John knocked on the door and poked his head in, "They said I could come in again."

Eleanor gestured to him, "I am presentable...or good enough. I didn't want to make you wait. Come, John. Come see. Your goddaughter wants to meet you."

"My goddaughter?" John came in and sat on the bed next to her. "That is welcome news indeed." He leaned over to see. "I believe she looks like you."

"Yes, thank goodness, but she does not have hair yet, so we will not know what color it is. And looks change so much. But no matter what...I'm so grateful for her. And to you," She smiled at him, "You saved my life today."

"It was nothing," John said.

"You practically threatened everyone with imprisonment if they did not figure out a solution," Eleanor pointed out.

"Well, yes," John said, "But I may had been bluffing."

"You were very convincing."

"Naturally, in my work you must be so," John said, wryly.

"Well, regardless, remind me never to get on your bad side, _your excellency_," Eleanor said, shifting the baby. "Would you like to hold her?"

"Yes, I think I would," he said and Eleanor put the bundle in his arms, "She is so tiny. Is she healthy?"

"She isn't overly tiny. Babies always seem so when first born."

"Yes, I do think she looks like you," John studied her as the baby wiggled her hands in the air. John offered his pinky and the baby grabbed on to it, gripping it. "What is her name?" he asked.

Eleanor shifted as she rubbed her head. "I think I want to name her Hope."

"Hope," John smiled at her as he shifted the baby back in Eleanor's arms. "That's fitting, Eleanor. Well done."

"Thank you," she nodded. "I am stuck on a middle name though. I thought Emma because I have always liked it, but it doesn't quite go."

"Well, let me think on it," John folded his hands, deep in concentrated thought. He finally said, "What do you think of Emmeline?"

"I love it," She smiled at him, "It's perfect...Hope Emmeline..." she paused and then looked down at the baby, tears in her eyes. "I do not know what surname to give her. She is a Fraser, but she can never be one. And to give her Murtagh's name, it just seems wrong...knowing that he is gone and she isn't truly his. He would have loved her and if she grew up feeling that love, then it would made the lie worth it. But to make her his, it's like I am lying twice to her..."

They were quiet for a few moments as John contemplated her words.

"If you'd like," John's voice was low. "We could eventually..." he paused, "give her my surname."

She looked at him, her lip trembling, "Oh John." He had gone with her into the depths of darkness tonight, fought for her, and dragged her back from the edge. They were bonded, even more than before.

"Do you object for yourself or for me?" he asked, quietly.

"I do not object for myself," Eleanor said. "When I am with you, I feel like myself again. Or at least like I have the hope that I _can_ find myself again." She paused, "But are _you_ certain, John?"

He held out his hand and she reached for it taking it. He kissed it, "If there is one thing, I learned tonight, is that I cannot bear to see you in pain, Eleanor. Allow me to do this for you...and for myself and William for we need you as well."

"What if William looks to the others and sees the resemblance? It is more of his manner that reminds me of the others and certain physical characteristics so I do not think it will be for some time he will make the connection, but..."

"We cannot shield him forever. I wasn't planning on never seeing Jamie again. Our paths tend to cross when we least expect it. And one of your children is my godson and now Hope. We will figure it out as it comes. I am not overly worried."

"But will _you_ be happy?" she said, her voice low.

"Happiness comes in many different ways, my dear Eleanor," John said. "I have been very happy these past few months and it was due to your presence- your friendship. You helped heal my heart and William's. Will you not us help do the same for you?"

"Jamie will not be pleased," she whispered, "It will get very complicated especially in regard to the children. We will have to take care to do this the right way for the children."

"Do not worry about Jamie Fraser," John said. "As for the children, we will not rip them away from Jamie. We can figure out a solution with that. I am certain. One that does not involve you having to watch every day Jamie and Claire forming a life together. At least think on it, Eleanor," he entreated, gently. "You should not give an answer until you feel certain...you must be so weary."

Her heart overflowed. He understood her so well. Actually, he always had.

"Hope Emmeline Grey," she said, softly, "I think it has a nice sound to it, do you not?"

"I do," he leaned to kiss her cheek.

"Please don't live to regret this," she murmured.

"I do not anticipate I will," John squeezed her hand. "You must rest though. You have been through quite an ordeal. When you are well enough, we will travel to North Carolina."

Eleanor's tears overflowed. "This means that the waiting is almost over."

"Tis so. You have been so very brave, Eleanor."

"I'm afraid I will have to be even more so in the days to come."

"I do not doubt it," He kissed her hand again, "You have an ally now, Eleanor. I will not let Jamie's needs triumph over your own. And when faced with trouble, we will rely on each other in the days to come just as we have on this day."

Her heart overflowed as her mind went back years ago.

_"I told Jamie tonight that I think Isobel is lucky to have you."_

_"You do not know what you say."_

_"But I do," Eleanor said, quietly. "We have a saying where I come from- you are one of the good ones."_

_John swallowed hard, "Then I am delighted and humbled by your assessment of my character."_

_She smiled at him, "You will not say anything to James, will you?"_

_"Not a word," he assured her. "It's will remain between you and I." He pointed to his chest. "Locked in here. Quite safe, I assure you."_

_She had turned again, but this time John was the one that stopped her, "Eleanor."_

_"Yes."_

_"If," John stood, "you should ever be in need, I hope you know that you can rely on me." He did not know what compelled him to say those words, but he sensed they were important._

_She smiled at him, "Sleep well, my Lord."_

_"Goodnight, Madam Fraser."_

_She stood there another moment, her eyes drawn to John's. _

And as her mind returned to the present, holding her newborn daughter and quietly talking with John as they made plans, her heart for the first time in a long time was filled with peace...like she could actually do this. It would not be easy, it would be full of ups and downs...but for the first time in forever, she did not actually dread the future.

And she knew if there is any man who would be able to speak truth to Jamie, it was John. Murtagh, even with his fondness and gentleness towards her, did Jamie's bidding. In a choice between her and Jamie, he consistently made her yield to him. But the cost to her was always so great. Eleanor knew John's heart would always draw him to Jamie, but also in a way that would want to encourage Jamie to do right in his life...and by her. And if there was any man in this world that she respected the most, it was John...even surpassing Jamie these past few months.

She just hoped Jamie would come to understand...with time.

**A/N**: Next chapter...North Carolina. :) What will Jamie say?


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:** I hope everyone had a happy Christmas/holidays! Thank you SOO much to all who took time to review. Another very long chapter for you all...everyone is reunited and sparks fly! To answer some reviews- yes, we will definitely have more scenes of Jamie as a father interweaved throughout the whole story and how his 18th century parenting interacts with Ellie's 21st century ideals. :)

**Chapter 24:**

"Are you nervous?" John asked her as he helped her down. They had left William with the guide with strict instructions to behave. John wanted to make sure that he prepared Jamie before seeing Willie again. And John wanted to make sure that Eleanor had enough time with her own children before involving William in the family reunion.

Eleanor nodded, shifting a sleeping Hope. "I am their mother, but what if they don't want me here?" she paused, "and what if Jamie looks at Hope and knows that she is his?"

He frowned, "I do not think that is possible. And you are still their mother no matter how they respond to you," John said, his voice gentle.

She bit her lip and stood frozen. They could see the smoke coming from the chimney and Eleanor knew they were close.

"Now this moment is here," Eleanor swallowed hard, "I am excited, but scared. So very scared. They aren't going to know me. I'm going to be the outsider. They have a home and a routine. They have had months together...and I.." her lip trembled.

"Here," he extended his hand. "Let me have your hand," he said. She put hers in his. "There we are," he squeezed her hand. "Be strong, my dear."

She nodded and swallowed hard and allowed him to guide her through the woods, hand in hand. Her stomach was twisting, anxious with seeing the children and Jamie.

"It will work out," his voice was low. "Don't fear what is to come."

She nodded, her eyes fixed ahead. They saw the cabin. "Will you take Hope for me?"

"Of course," he said, "Look at me, Eleanor."

She put Hope into his arms and looked into his eyes.

"Everything will be well, if not today, in time," He held her gaze for a few minutes, Eleanor finding strength from him.

"Thank you," she nodded.

John smiled at her. "I'll be right behind you. I promise."

Eleanor picked up her pace. And in the distance she saw a little boy running out to her, his red curls flopping as he ran.

"_Mac!_"

Eleanor began to run towards him.

They met in the yard and Mac launched himself into her arms, Eleanor picking him up and hugging him tightly against her. "James MacKenzie Fraser, how I have missed you."

"Mama," Mac cried, burying his face in her shoulder. "I have missed ye ever so much."

"Oh my baby," Eleanor cried back, "Let me look at you. Oh my love, how big you are," she kissed him and he kissed her back, Eleanor's heart melting. She walked through the clearing still holding Mac in her arms. She knew he was too old for it, but she could put him down, not yet...her firstborn with Jamie.

She saw Jamie come down the steps of the cabin, hand in hand with her other two children. Tears splattered down his face, much like her own. She knew the scene moved him as much as it did her.

Eleanor eased Mac down and took him by the hand. She leaned down to whisper in his ear, "Will you help me with your brother and sister?" she asked.

"Aye, mama," he nodded, seriously.

Eleanor approached Jamie and smiled at him. He nodded to her and she bent down.

"Hello," she reached for Sam's hand. "Sam," she kissed his hand. "You probably don't remember me. You were so little."

His eyes studied her and then looked to Mac. "That's mama, Sam," Mac whispered to him. "Isn't she bonny? I told ye she was."

Sam nodded, his eyes wide. She looked up at Jamie, who winked at her. She looked back at Sam. "It's okay, love if you don't remember. We'll get to know each other again. I love you." she reached to kiss his head and his arms came around her.

"Mama, Da and Mac and Ian told me all aboot ye," Sam said.

Eleanor hugged him tightly, "I am so glad they did."

She looked over to Rosie, whom was taken from her so young...and was now a little girl. "Hello, sweetheart."

Rosie clung to Jamie's leg and Eleanor rubbed her arm, tears springing to her eyes. Jamie tried to dislodge her from his leg as Eleanor straightened. She leaned to give Rosie a quick kiss on the head.

"It's okay, Rosie." She looked back towards where John was standing in the yard. Their eyes met and Eleanor gave him a helpless look. He nodded at her.

She turned her attention back to Jamie, who had noticed the exchange between Eleanor and his friend, who very comfortably holding Eleanor's child. He studied her carefully.

"Hello, Jamie," Her voice caught. "It is good to see you."

"Eleanor, mo ghraidh," Jamie leaned into kiss her cheek in greeting, "Thank Christ. I am verra glad to see have prayed daily fer yer safe return to us. Welcome to Fraser's Ridge."

She smiled at him. "It's a beautiful piece of land."

"Aye, tis that," Jamie said, picking up Rosie, who was tugging at his leg.

"Mama, I have so much to tell ye," Mac tugged at her skirt.

Eleanor leaned down to kiss him again, "And Mama wants to hear all about it, Mac."

"I gots lots to tell ye too, mama!" Sam said and Eleanor turned to give her other son a kiss. "I want to hear all about it too, Sam!"

"But first," Jamie said, giving both his son's a stern look, "We have another guest. Do ye not see?"

"Come, boys, your Da is right. I want you to meet someone...actually two people," Eleanor said. She took each of her son's by the hand and she and Jamie went to greet John, who was still holding Hope, who was currently gnawing at John's jacket.

"Oh dear," Eleanor laughed at the sight.

"Yes," John smiled at her. "I am afraid we did not time this well."

Jamie looked between them, "The bairn is hungry, then?" he asked.

"She can wait a moment, especially if she is not screaming," Eleanor leaned down to hold each boy by the hand, pulling them towards her. "Mac. Sam. I want you to meet your sister."

"A lass, then," Jamie said.

"Indeed. I thought you would have known," Eleanor said, looking over at Jamie.

She let go of their hands and went to take Hope from John, "Thank you."

"Of course," John said, who then turned to greet Jamie who had extended his hand.

"Boys," Eleanor leaned down with Hope. "This is Hope Emmeline."

Rosie had wiggled down and toddled over to approach the others. "Baby?" she asked.

"Yes, this is your baby sister Hope, Rose."

"Rosie like babies."

"I'm so glad," she said, tears springing again to her eyes.

"She is bonny, Mama," Mac said. "May I hold her?"

"Of course, you may. But maybe after we go inside. I also have someone else I want you to meet. Sam," she reached for his hand, "You have never met your godfather, Lord John."

"That's Lord John?" Mac asked, with awe in his voice. "Da talks about him."

"Yes," Eleanor smiled at her son, "I know he would like to meet you as well. And you, Rosie."

"Indeed, I would," John said, crouching down beside her to get on the children's eye level. "It's a pleasure to make all of your acquaintances."

"Verra nice to meet you, Lord John," Mac bowed and then extended his hand, Sam copying his brother's movements, much to Eleanor's delight. She and John looked at each other, both stifling laughter, before John took Mac's hand with one hand and Sam's with the other.

"You as well as your Mama has told me all about you, Mac." He turned to Sam, "And you Sam. And you Rosie," he looked at each of them. "I am delighted to finally meet you all."

Jamie cleared his throat. "Mac, will ye no take Rosie and Sam in to see Claire? Ask her to have you wash your hands and tell her that Mama is goin to need to feed yer sister soon."

"Aye, Da," Mac nodded and took each of his siblings by the hand. "Ye arena leavin, are ye Mama?"

"No, sweetheart," Eleanor said, planting another kiss on his head as John rose and then offered his hand to her to help her straighten, balancing Hope in her arms.

She shifted the bairn and Jamie took a step towards her. "May I see her?"

Eleanor's stomach twisted, "Of course, you may."

"Hope," Jamie said. "That is a bonny name for a wee lassie," he said, as his hand reached to cradle her head, studying the bairn. "She is bonny, lass. How is she doin?"

"Well," Eleanor said, "Not sleeping well, but I am managing."

"Perhaps, Claire and I can help ye tonight, so ye can get some rest," Jamie said. "Ye are lookin shattered, Eleanor."

She nodded, "If you'd like."

"She's bald," Jamie commented.

Eleanor struggled not to look at John, who had also come by her side.

"Not uncommon, I would think," John said, "but I am no expert."

"I think I was as a baby," Eleanor said, quietly.

"Aye, yer right. Tis not uncommon, just a surprise. _Emmeline_," Jamie mused, "that is a verra English name. What made ye think of it?"

"Lord John suggested it," Eleanor said, "I was stuck so I asked for the assistance of her godfather."

Jamie paused, "Then, Lord John is her godfather?"

Eleanor froze and glanced at John, who inched even closer to her. "He is Sam's godfather as well and since he had done so much for me in the past few months and since we are such close friends," Eleanor frowned, "I did not think I had to ask any one's permission."

"Aye, but..." Jamie paused, "I dinnae think Murtagh..."

"I am the one raising the child, Jamie," Eleanor countered, a flush rising.

"But dinnae ye think that..."

"You all left me there in Jamaica for months!" she shifted Hope onto her shoulder. "I cannot even believe you would question my choice."

"I would like to make sure the memory of my godfather is honored and ye seem content to do the opposite."

"Can we not even be together for ten minutes before you lay into me for one thing or another?" Eleanor's tears came to her eyes.

"Jamie, William is here," John blurted out.

Eleanor let out her breath as Jamie's attention turned from her and Hope to John.

"Is he now?"

"Yes, and I told him to stay out of trouble, but I would like to fetch him. I just wanted to warn you before I did."

"Of course," Jamie shifted, "I'd love to see the lad again."

"I do not know if he will recognize you," John said.

"What does he know of Eleanor and I and the children...?"

"We tried to explain it the best way we could," Eleanor said. "John couldn't very well leave him in Jamaica. He is still a boy."

"Of course no. He is welcome here...always," Jamie said, adamantly. "But I just assumed he would stay with his mother."

John cleared his throat. "There is much to catch you up with. I see our letter did not make it to you."

"No," Jamie's voice was low.

Eleanor shifted Hope, "I think I will go and greet Claire and feed Hope." She turned to John. "Will you tell William where I am? I want him to be comfortable in his new surroundings." She lightly touched his arm.

"Of course, I will make certain of it."

She left without another look at Jamie.

John watched her leave, "Isobel passed away on the ship to Jamaica."

Jamie let out his breath, "I am so verra sorry fer it, John."

"Yes, it has been a trying time for all," John said. "There is so much to tell you, Jamie. I fear you will not be happy with all of it."

They continued to walk in silence before Jamie said,

"I dinna mean to seem so harsh with the lass," Jamie told him. "I ken ye think it was badly done."

"You should apologize to her, not to me," John countered as Jamie walked with him. "And it doesn't matter what I think. I am not your conscience, Jamie."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie nodded. "But so often ye point me in the right way."

"As you do the same for me, my friend," John said.

"I will apologize to Eleanor," Jamie said, "Striving for harmony between Eleanor and I has not be easy."

"How can it be when there is still so much unsettled betwix the two of you?" John commented. "Ah, there he is. Oh, dear me."

"Papa, get them off of me!" William cried, his foot covered in leeches.

* * *

"What do we have here?" Claire asked as Jamie and John dragged William in, Ian close behind. Eleanor was finishing up feeding Hope, and with her free arm building blocks on the table with Sam and Mac. Rosie had been tugging for Claire to lift her up. Jamie immediately went to pick up his daughter.

Eleanor quickly finished with Hope and fixed her shirt, putting Hope over her shoulder to burp. She gave both the boys a pat before rising to see what was wrong with William.

"Leeches," Jamie said as they sat William down at the table.

"Oh they won't hurt you," Claire said. "It's best just to let them detatch."

Mac went over to look, "Eww. I had them on me once too. They came off me."

"Aye and if I remember correctly, ye were none too happy aboot it at the time," Jamie said, ruffling his son's hair. "I had to hold ye the entire time."

"I don't like them," William said. "G_et them off of me_."

"William," John frowned. "Watch your tone."

Eleanor shifted Hope onto her other shoulder as she sat down next to William. "William," she said, her voice low. "I would be upset too. They look like horrid creatures, even if I am sure they have their purposes. If they are that troublesome to you, then I would ask Madam Fraser if she can come up with another solution. She is a healer so I am sure she has many solutions to this."

William cleared his throat, "Madam Fraser, is there another way we can get them off of me?" he asked politely.

Claire smiled, "Of course, if it bothers you that much."

Eleanor slid off the bench and began to pat Hope's back. She went to John, inclining her head.

He turned his back to William as Eleanor leaned into his ear, "Do you think Isobel was treated with leeches on the ship?"

John grew pale. "I did not think of that."

"I don't think he is being overly theatrical or pampered. I think there is a reason for this reaction."

John nodded and then went to sit on the bench by his son, his hand on his back.

Eleanor shifted Hope, who then spit up all over her and soiled her diaper. "Oh, lovely." She scrunched up her face. "Hope Emmeline...your timing is always impeccable."

Jamie caught her eye. "I see the lassie has already made herself at home," he chuckled. "Come, Rosie, let's help Mama find her bag so she can change Hope and maybe herself."

Rosie giggled, "My baby no do that."

Ellie laughed and then reached to smooth down her hair, "Count yourself lucky then, little one."

Jamie chuckled at the two of them as he and Eleanor stepped outside. "Which one is yours?"

"Blue trunk," she said. "But let's not take all of this in. I'll just grab what I need."

Jamie helped her open it and Eleanor began to rifle through the contents.

"I see ye got yerself some new dresses," Jamie commented.

"My clothes were so worn from traveling and while John was governor, he wanted me to attend some of his soirees with him," Eleanor said. "Surely, you don't object," she said.

"No, of course not," Jamie said, "I just wish...I dinnae ken that ye liked such fine things."

"Hum," Eleanor found the clothes for Hope along with extra blanket, "I do like them, but that doesn't mean I wasn't completely content with our life at Lallybroch." She stood and went over to the porch.

"Here," Eleanor laid a blanket down on the porch. "I will just change her here. It is already chaotic in there with the leeches."

He chuckled, "Aye, maybe a gut idea."

He sat down with Rosie on the steps, close by them.

"What were ye telling John?"

Eleanor began to change Hope. "I just thought maybe there was a reason for William's reaction beyond just being...you know...an Earl."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "He had always been pampered though."

"He's a good boy, Jamie, when you get to know him past the pompous attitude," she met his eyes. "It's been a pleasure getting to know him better. Truly."

"I'm glad fer it," Jamie said. "Do ye think Lady Isobel was treated with leeches?"

She nodded.

"That was insightful of ye, Ellie," Jamie commented.

"I am glad that you think I do still have some good qualities, James," she said, wryly.

"Lass," his voice was low.

"Yes?" she asked, pinning the new diaper on the baby.

"I am sorry aboot earlier. I dinna have the right to question ye like that."

"Don't worry about it," she said. "I didn't mean what I said earlier...well, not really..." she gave him a wry look.

"We will strive to do better for the children, aye?"

"Of course," she nodded, smiling at Hope. "We can always strive to do better."

"It will take some adjustment, I ken. Fer us all."

She looked over at him. "It's been quite a few months."

"John alluded to that," Jamie said. "I look forward to hearing all aboot it when ye are ready."

She nodded. "I'm sorry Ian is not here."

"Aye, I ken ye are. And he will be sorry not to have been here to greet ye properly. But he will be verra glad to greet ye when he does return in a few days."

She smiled at Jamie. "As will I."

* * *

Jamie grunted, moving his chess piece, "I thought I told ye lads to get in bed."

"We wanted to see Mama one more time," Mac defended, Sam next to him.

"I already tucked you in three times already," Eleanor countered as she drank her tea, in conversation with Claire, who had been rocking Rosie to sleep. Hope rested against her. "And Da read you that new story that Lord John brought for us."

"Is William in bed?" John asked.

"Aye, Lord John, and he said not to come in again," Mac said, "but we wanted to see Mama just one more time."

"Because the other two times were not sufficient?" Jamie asked, his eyes on his sons. "Mac, what have I said aboot bedtime?"

"I should count if I am not feelin sleepy, but Sam is too little to count that high and if he is awake, I am awake." Mac countered.

Eleanor stifled a giggle.

"Canny like his mama," Jamie told John, wryly.

She put Hope in the cradle and then moved it closer to where Jamie and John were playing chess. "Here, Hope, you can watch. Maybe that will make you sleepy especially with how long it takes both of them to plan their strategy. I wouldn't do that move if I were you, James," she said as Jamie went to move his piece.

"Is that so?" Jamie asked as Eleanor went to retrieve the hands of the boys.

"One more time, little boys and that is it," Eleanor said, squeezing their hands. "Actually, Mama might climb in bed with you and tell you a story."

"If ye are startin that with them, Eleanor, then we might have a problem," Jamie raised an eyebrow at her.

"Just for a bit," Eleanor said. "And if they get out of bed again then," she gave her sons a look.

"Aye, Mama."

Jamie rose and went over to them. He knelt and gave each boy a hug and kiss. "I love ye rascals, but if ye get out of bed again, we will have a wee discussion aboot it, ye ken?"

"Aye, Da," Mac nodded, seriously.

"Aye, Da," Sam said.

"Verra gut," he kissed them both again before Eleanor led them back to their bed.

Jamie and John continued with their game and Hope was content until she wasn't. John looked over to her and then glanced at Jamie. Jamie had been sneaking looks at her all through the chess game, trying to be discreet, but John had picked up on it right away. Claire had gone to place Rosie in her bed and Jamie didn't bother moderating his expression as he studied her, crying in her cradle.

When John realized that Jamie wasn't going to move to pick up the baby, he did so.

"What is the matter, little one?" John reached into pick up the child, holding her against him and patting her back, Hope settling almost immediately.

Jamie's back had stiffened.

"Would you like to hold her?" John asked. "I didn't mean to overstep...it's just if you catch her cries early enough, then it is much better in the long run. She has a strong set of lungs, this little one."

"No, you _are_ her godfather," Jamie countered, gruffly.

"Jamie," John's voice was low. "If there is something you wish to say to me, then just say it."

Jamie opened his mouth, but Claire had come back in.

Eleanor came back much later.

"Both of the lads asleep?" Jamie asked.

"Yes, and I may have fallen asleep as well," Eleanor said, yawning. "How's Hope?" she asked John, who was still holding her.

"She may need to be fed again, but we tried to stave her off as long as we could."

"I'm sorry she got fussy," Eleanor said as John stood and transferred the baby into her arms.

"Not to worry," John said. "She settled down again."

"Thank you for helping with her."

"Of course, Eleanor," he nodded at her as he sat back down.

Eleanor leaned back over the board and then whispered to John a move.

"Since when did ye become so knowledgeable about chess?" Jamie asked, his eyes on her.

"Lord John taught me," Eleanor smiled.

"Did he now?" Jamie looked between them.

"I did," John cleared his throat, "And she is the most worthy of opponents, I assure you."

"Then ye and I should have a match sometime," Jamie's eyes met hers. "If I had ken ye wanted to learn, I would have taught ye years ago."

"I didn't really know I wanted to learn," Eleanor countered. "We should have a match sometime, but I should warn you, Lord John has taught me well."

"I would have no doubt that he did a thorough job of it," Jamie said, with a raised eyebrow.

She went to sit next to Claire who had reheated her tea. She covered Hope as she fed her.

"Are bedtimes always this difficult?" she asked.

"Yes, usually," Claire nodded. "Jamie has been really patient with the children, but I think now that you are here, he is going to want to set up stronger routines."

"Do they talk about..." her voice trailed off as she allowed Hope to grasp her pinky while nursing. "what happened?"

"Yes, some. Mac more," Claire said. "Sam and Rosie were too young to process it."

Her eyes closed tightly, "Thank you for being here for them."

"Of course," Claire said. "I love them too, Eleanor."

"I know you do," she said. "Have the tantrums started yet with the boys?"

"Occasionally," Claire said, "Jamie often puts a stop to it quickly."

"They always responded to him so well," Eleanor said, "One look from Da and the boys turned around."

"He is a good father," Claire said. "He's very tender with the children."

She nodded, "I know."

"Have you thought about the future?" Claire asked, her voice low.

She nodded. "I do not think Jamie will like it."

"Jamie usually will come around if it is truly the best course," Claire offered.

Eleanor looked over and Jamie caught her eye.

"I think I need to go to bed and John and Jamie could be playing chess for hours more."

"Of course," Claire said. "You look tired."

"I am weary. Traveling with a newborn is not easy."

"I can only imagine," Claire nodded. Eleanor lifted the baby and began to pat her back. Claire looked over at the baby, "She doesn't look sleepy though."

Eleanor frowned and shifted the baby, "No, I thought she would fall asleep while nursing."

"I am going to stay up longer, I don't mind taking her," Claire said. "If you don't mind."

She looked over to John, who met her eyes. He nodded at her, discreetly.

"Of course, I don't mind," Eleanor said. "She might need changing soon though."

"I am sure we can manage," Claire said,"Get some rest. Doctors orders."

She smiled at her, handing her the baby, "Goodnight then, Claire."

"Goodnight Eleanor."

Jamie had risen and went over to give her a kiss on the cheek, "Goodnight, Eleanor. We are verra glad ye are finally with us. Ye and the bairn."

"Thank you. Goodnight, James."

She turned to John, "Lord John. Sleep well."

"Pleasant dreams, Madam Fitzgibbons," he smiled at her.

She took one last look at the others, before headed to a much needed good night sleep.

* * *

John decided to go to bed soon after that and Claire and Jamie were left, sitting by the fire, Claire still rocking Hope.

"Ye tired, Sassenach?" Jamie asked.

"I am," she said.

"I can take the bairn for a bit, if ye want to get some rest. I want to give Eleanor more time. She doesna look like herself."

"I noticed that too," Claire said, "It could just be traveling."

"Aye," Jamie nodded and Claire shifted the bairn into his arms. Hope wiggled but then settled right down against the warmth of Jamie's chest. "Claire?"

"Yes, Jamie?"

"Have ye noticed a change between Ellie and Lord John?"

Claire paused, "There is a familiarity there, but they spent so many months together, I would think that would be natural."

"She looks to him when she is uncertain. It has happened quite a bit today."

Claire went to kneel down to where Jamie was sitting. "This must all have to be hard for her, Jamie. Rosie isn't warming to her yet and while it has only been hours, I know it must break her heart. Finding the routine with the boys and stepping into the life we are making, it's natural, she would be having moments of trouble. Lord John is a sympathetic soul and he clearly is fond of Eleanor. If she needs to lean on him to make this transition, then why would that bother you?"

"John won't always be here," Jamie said.

"I know," Claire said, "But let Eleanor have her friends, Jamie. You cannot deny her that."

"Aye," Jamie leaned up to give her a kiss on the lips before she headed to their bed.

Jamie shifted Hope in his arms. "Let's have a gut look at ye, lassie," he said. Hope's eyes opened wide. He studied her carefully. "Yer brothers and sister all had hair when they were wee bairns, ye ken."

Hope began to fuss and Jamie picked her back up to pat her back, "I dinnae mean to hurt yer feelings. Yer hair will grow. A bonny brown color like yer mama's or perhaps..." he paused. "I made a right fine mess of things, lassie. But regardless, it dinnae means that ye are not loved. I never want ye to think that. Because ye are. Verra much. Regardless." He paused, "And I dinnae want ye to think that it wasna out of love, because it was. Ye will never ken the love yer Mama and I shared, not like Mac kens or even Sam. But it was real, Hope, leannan. It was. And if I am yer..." Jamie paused, "yer mama saved my soul again that night. Dinnae doubt that it was out of love. And I will love ye, no matter what. I canna keep the vows I made to yer mama, but I will keep the vow I make to ye tonight." He kissed the bairn on the head. "On my honor."

* * *

"Thank ye for traveling with Eleanor and bringing her here...and Willie," Jamie told John the next morning after breakfast, "It means the world to me to see the lad again."

John nodded, "Naturally, I would never permit Eleanor to make the trip by herself, with the baby being so young."

Jamie glanced at him. Something about his tone, surprised him. He had noticed it when Eleanor arrived and in the way he was interacting with her. It was almost like he was determined to shield her from him. And there was an intimacy and a bond between the two of them- a friendship and loyalty long in the making, but fiercely evident in the present.

"I am so sorry about Lady Isobel. She was a dear woman, very special."

"Indeed," John nodded, "It has been difficult as you can imagine, especially for William, who was there when it happened. He has relied quite heavily on Eleanor as have I during this difficult time."

"Is that so?"

"Surely that does not surprise you," John said.

"No, of course it does not. Eleanor has a rare soul," Jamie commented, brushing along the branches.

"One that you still appreciate," John commented, with a raised eyebrow.

"Aye," Jamie grunted. "Of course. I canna just turn off my affection for the woman who restored my soul and bore me three beautiful bairns."

"And what does the first Madam Fraser say about that?"

"She understands...or tries to," Jamie let out a breath, "She is fond of Eleanor on Ellie's own merits as well. They have a kinship beyond me once they both got over their jealousy."

"And are you quite certain that Eleanor is over that jealousy?"

"I dinnae think she has a choice but to be," Jamie said.

"That is terribly unfair for her, don't you think?"

"Aye," Jamie said. "I dinnae deny it. When Murtagh was alive, he was able to soothe her some, their friendship was deep, but now..."

"As fond as Eleanor was of her husband, I do think it was beastly to encourage that union to begin with."

"Do ye think?" Jamie said, quietly, his jaw twitching.

"Oh, it was highly practical and purposeful, but do you not think it as traumatic for Eleanor to jump from one bed to another after bearing yer child only three months before?"

Jamie was taken aback, "Aye, I ken it was, but she made her choice. I dinnae like it at the time. I could only trust Murtagh to be understanding enough with her feelings to make it work. Otherwise, I would have put my foot down."

"And which Madam Fraser would you have chosen if Eleanor had not chosen for you?"

He paused, "Our bairns are so young."

"Eleanor knew your sense of duty would have required what your heart could not give."

"The lass was well cared for and loved in our marriage," Jamie grunted. "Dinnae think she wasna."

"I do not doubt it for I was witness to it," John said, quietly, "It is only in her lowest moments that she implies otherwise."

Jamie sighed. "I ken she is hurt deeply. I dinnae ken how to make it well for her or fer myself for that matter. It keeps me up in the wee hours of the night. I have Claire and my world should be right again and in a way it is, but in a way, it can never be."

"For Eleanor still has a hold on part of your heart."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I willna deny it. A considerable hold. And to see her so...altered...I want to make it right for her again, but I cannae do that any longer."

"Yes, and now that Mr. Fizgibbons is gone...what will become of her?"

"We still have children together."

"Of course," John retorted, "But surely you see how difficult this situation has become. Eleanor cannot bear to see your closeness with Claire and not have a reaction each and every time. And you cannot deny her that right to feel upset."

"She chose fer us, John," Jamie said, his voice low.

"I do not think she felt that she had a choice but to give you up. Eleanor loves you so." He folded his hands behind him as he walked, "And you could have stopped her if you had wished to."

Jamie coughed a bit, "Ye have quite the interest in Eleanor."

"I do not deny it. As I said, she has become quite dear to me during her time with us," John folded his hands and turned to his friend, "I'd like to take her to Virginia with me."

"Ye would take Eleanor to Virginia?" Jamie swallowed hard, "Fer what purpose?"

"For the purpose of being my wife," John said, calmly. "We'll wait the appropriate mourning period but then we shall be wed. It is the only sensible thing to be done about this dreadful situation."

"No," Jamie's voice was harsh. "It isna sensible at all. It is foolish!"

"How is it foolish?" John titled his head, "Foolish in that you cannot see that Eleanor and I are well suited to each other?"

"Well suited?" Jamie snorted. "No, I willna allow it."

"Eleanor has agreed."

"Eleanor is over wrought and not thinking clearly." Jamie said."As for ye..." Jamie rounded on his friend, "Ye canna possibly give Eleanor what she needs."

"Is that so?" John asked, evenly. "You had absolutely no qualms suggesting that she stay with me in Jamaica. If you trusted me with her then, then why not now?"

"Ye canna have a proper marriage with her, man," Jamie said, turning around to face him, "And believe me, a woman like Eleanor needs one."

John raised his eyebrows. "And you truly think that she had that with Mister Fitzgibbons- a man who could have easily been her father?"

"Murtagh had been known to be popular with the lassies from time to time," Jamie said, wryly.

"Great God in heaven, James Fraser," John looked up to the skies. "If you doubt my virility, just have the compunction to say it."

"Clearly, we both ken yer preferences lie elsewhere and since ye and Isobel dinnae have an heir, what am I to think?" Jamie retorted. "If it dinnae work with yer first marriage, what in God's name makes ye think that it will work with Eleanor?"

John froze and stalked towards him. When he spoke his voice was low, but cutting in the way John often got when irritated, "As you very well know, it wasn't my choice betwix Isobel and I. There were other factors involved. But I can assure you that in regards to Eleanor...if Eleanor, as _my wife_, is in want of passion, I will give her whatever she wishes...in whatever manner that she wishes it. Is it my first inclination? No, but I will be a proper husband to her in every way possible and do not doubt that if she desires to come to my bed every single night of our marriage, I will never be the one to deny her. I will welcome to her to it. And rest assured, I will not allow her to leave from it wanting. So I beg you, Jamie, do not fear in that regard. I am more than capable of performing my husbandly duties," He patted his arm, hard.

Jamie's stance stiffened and he looked like he was about read to pummel John. "Is that so?" he growled.

"Tis so. And that's really what you cannot stand. The thought of Eleanor in my bed. Is that right? You would have here living here pining after you to the end of her days even if it breaks her heart, you selfish, arrogant fool."

"Even so, ye canna possibly give her what she truly needs," Jamie said. "A man who desires her."

"You are making quite a number of assumptions," John countered. "I do not anticipate our marriage being platonic, unless that is what she desires. And as far as myself is concerned, you do not know what I desire."

"I can pretty much assume it is not _her_," Jamie said.

"You know nothing!" John retorted, heatedly. "Do you have any idea what the past few months have been like, Jamie? Or do you simply not care?" John asked, his fists clenched, beginning to walk again."It wasn't my name she was crying for in the fits of labour. Hours on end, Fraser. Delirious with pain. Crying for you. Do not presume to tell me what or whatnot Eleanor needs because I was there..." he turned suddenly and put his fist on Jamie's chest, "and _you were not_."

Jamie's face had gone white. "mo ghraidh...God forgive me. I would have gone to her. I would have no matter what the consequences."

"I know that and moreover, she does too," John's tone softened, "But the matter is, you could not have gone to her then and you cannot go to her now. But I did go to her then and I can go to her now."

"You went to her," Jamie's voice betrayed nothing.

"Yes, I could not bear to hear the panic in her voice, so I went to her. She almost died, Jamie. She said you made her a vow. So..." he looked out the corner of his eye, "I arranged it so you could be held fast to that vow..."

Jamie stilled, "Did she almost die?" his voice caught. "How?"

"The babe was breech. I had to move heaven and earth to get someone to turn the child so she could deliver. The midwife had said nothing could be done for her. And when I found someone who would do it, I had to hold her down as she fought me and screamed from unbearable pain."

"My God," Jamie's eyes held unshed tears, "She does look frail. I thought it was from traveling and the bairn being so young. Was she really that bad off?"

"Yes, it was hell, Jamie," John said, his eyes boring into Jamie's, "But at the end of it...there was Hope."

"Hope," Jamie ran his hands through his hair.

"Hope..." John titled his head, "When one despairs of hope, they can do things that are beneath their characters, things they cannot imagine possible. Hope was quite a fitting name for the little one, don't you agree?"

Jamie let out a long breath, "She told ye of..."

"Ah, yes, she did."

"It is not entirely certain, ye ken. Eleanor...she hasn't said."

"Of course not, she is ashamed of the possibility, Jamie. You were free from your obligation in that moment, she was not. She has struggled since. Do you know how much? She is wracking herself over the coals. She thought that she was being punished for giving into you on that bloody ship. And that she was going to die because of it."

Jamie sat down on a log and buried his head in his hands. "She has always felt things so deeply."

"Yes, she has," John said, his tone softening, knowing his message had penetrated Jamie at the core.

"I dinnae ken what to do to help her."

"She isn't herself," John said. "That was clear from me from the moment I saw her again."

"No," Jamie sighed and looked up. "She hasna been in the longest time. It's like I took the light from her, between Claire coming back and the bairns being taken. That moment on the ship, I saw a glimpse of the woman I fell in love with. And she made me feel again...just like she did when we were first wed. I was selfish and it was unforgivable of me."

"Let her become herself again. I can help her, Jamie. She has to have space from you to be free to be who she is."

"But her freedom will be at a great cost to yers," Jamie said. "It is not yer responsibility to fix my errors of judgement, John."

"To be honest," John said, sitting next to Jamie on the log. "I do not think I am doing this for you. There would be a time when that statement would not be true as I think I would do anything for you...but this...this is for Eleanor, for she is dear to me as well."

"I ken she has always been," Jamie acknowledged, "but the bairns...we must be a family fer them...to help them heal. I will build Eleanor a cabin. She and Claire will just have to learn to abide by each other."

"And you and Eleanor?" John asked. "It will always be a struggle while Eleanor feels outnumbered. In the long run if Eleanor feels content and not so much of an outsider, then it will be better for all involved, including the children." John paused, "Will you at least not speak to Eleanor about it? Gather her perspective on it? If it seems at all dissimilar to mine, then you will know your answer. But if it seems in line to what I have said, then you can see that this is indeed what both Eleanor and I desire."

"Verra weel," Jamie sighed. "I'm sorry aboot questioning yer..." he shifted, uncomfortably, "ability to produce an heir."

John raised an eyebrow, "Count yourself lucky we did not come to blows over it."

"I would not have blamed ye."

"Yes," John nodded, "But I knew it came from a sense of concern over Eleanor. Do you doubt my character?"

"Of course I dinnae," Jamie said. "Ye are right- the thought of ye with Eleanor does bother me."

"Then," John said, rising, "you'll just have to get over it, Fraser. Ellie has to see you take Claire to your bed at night while she falls asleep alone. Do you not think it bothers her?"

He walked away without another word.

* * *

"Ellie, lass, will ye please join me for a walk? Take the bairn with ye if ye are worried about her."

Eleanor frowned and Claire interceded, "I can take Hope if you'd like Eleanor."

Ellie glanced at John who had come in behind Jamie. He gave her an exasperated look and she grunted, handing the babe to Claire, "She's just been fed. Thank you."

"Happy to," Claire said.

"Mama, don't leave," Mac wrapped his arm around her waist and Samuel looked scared as well.

"I'm just going for a walk with your Da, my loves," Ellie declared as she bent down to look both of her sons in the eyes.

"Aye," Jamie reached to ruffle both of his sons heads, "Mama is right. We just need to talk a bit. Dinnae fash, lads. I will take good care of yer mama on our walk."

The boys nodded and Claire coaxed them over to the table and reached for some treats for them.

"Get your wrap, lassie. It's raw out," Jamie said. "I'll wait fer ye on the porch." Eleanor went to retrieve her wrap, John meeting her by the hook. He helped her with her wrap, whispering in her ear, "He is in rare form, Eleanor. Do take care."

Eleanor grunted, "I can handle Jamie."

She stepped out onto the porch and then she walked in step with Jamie out into the woods.

When they were a bit from the cabin, he turned on his heels, stopping her abruptly. "ye canna be serious."

Eleanor let out a breath, "James."

"Eleanor," he countered.

She put a hand on her hip, "You no longer have a say in my decisions."

Jamie's eyebrows widened, "Are ye no the mother of my children? Did I not make ye a promise all those years ago for yer safety and protection a wellbeing? Am I not heid of this family?"

"I have four children now, Jamie and I am not married. How does that look?"

"You are a widow."

"You are the father of three of them! How do I explain that? How do _we_ explain that? I can take them with me to Virginia. John and I can raise them with Willie."

"NO! Ye willna take my children from me after we just got them back. They need to be settled- and that means with ye and with me."

"What would you have me to do?" Eleanor cried. "John made me a decent offer, much better than I deserve."

"He's..." Jamie paused, "Ye canna be happy with a man like that."

"He's a dear friend to both of us or have you forgotten?"

"I ken he is, lassie," Jamie held up his hand. "but, fer God's sake, woman, must I say it?"

"I know where his persuasions lie and I don't care. He was heartbroken over Isabel's passing. And I don't need sex to be satisfied in a marriage."

"You do!" Jamie took a step towards her, "it meant as much to ye as it did to me."

"Did it mean anything to you?" Eleanor asked, cooly.

"Ye ken it did! Stop with this nonsense."

"I can't. I can't stop this nonsense. And moreover, you cannot either. Don't you see? It was bad enough before the ship. Now it is impossible."

"Is the bairn...?" Jamie paused, white lipped. "Do ye ken?"

"How would I know?" Eleanor threw up her hands. "There is no DNA test."

"We were wrong. I was out of my mind. It rests on me, not on ye."

"It rests very much on me," Eleanor snapped. "I allowed it. And I hate myself for it. It would have been better for all if I had just died in childbirth."

Jamie's eyes widened. "Damn you, women. Do not ever say that to me again!" Jamie pushed her against the tree. "Look at me." He shook her hard. "That is enough. Do you hear me?"

Eleanor swallowed hard as he forced her to look at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't truly mean it. It would just have made things less complicated if I had."

"ach, mo ghraidh," he reached out to smooth her hair, tenderly. "Less complicated, but not better. My own mother died in childbirth, ye ken. I wouldna wish that fate on my children."

"Oh, Jamie, I forgot," Eleanor said. "I mean, I knew, but I forgot. Forgive me?"

He forced a smile, "Forgiven."

"Still," Eleanor looked in his eyes, "This...between you and me...it's so hard."

"But the wee uns need ye. Ye have just reunited with them."

Eleanor gently untangled herself from Jamie's grasp. She went over to sit on a fallen branch.

"Rosie has no idea who I am. Sam barely remembers me. It is only Mac, who acts excited that I am here."

"You are still their mama, mo ghraidh."

"Claire is more of their mama then I can be. She has been with them for these past few months. They clearly adore her."

Jamie went to sit next to her. "That is not true. Sam does remember you. He talked about you to Ian nonstop when they were captured. As for Rosie, she was so wee when they took her. Of course she dinnae ken."

"I know that- in my head. But my heart, it just is so torn up Jamie."

"John told me your childbearing was difficult with the bairn. Perhaps, you should talk to Claire."

Eleanor laughed and sobbed at the same time, "You know why I can't."

"I'm verra sorry I was not there fer ye, Eleanor, when ye needed me to be," Jamie's expression was pained.

"Lord John was there," she said, quietly, "You should have seen him. He fought for me that night. He wouldn't give up on saving my life."

"Aye, I'm grateful to him."

"I was scared. I thought it was over, Jamie," Eleanor said, her voice low.

Jamie scooted closer to her and put his arm around her. "Yer greatest fear..." he kissed her head. "Mo ghraidh."

"It wasn't my greatest fear, James," Eleanor whispered. "I couldn't ever tell you my greatest fear."

"Oh?"

She swallowed hard, "Claire coming back was."

He kissed her head again. "I am a fool, mo ghraidh."

"You made vows to both of us, Jamie," Eleanor's voice was soft. "And I pushed you away and into her arms so if anybody was the fool...that would be me."

He scooted away from her and turned her face towards him. "Hope is beautiful, lassie. She looks like her mama."

She sniffed hard, "Thank you." She wiped her tears. "She is precious to me. John adores her too. And William. It's quite sweet to see."

"I ken, but ye dinnae belong with him. Ye belong with us. Ye are my family, mo ghraidh, my clan. We can made this work again, Eleanor," Jamie reached out to squeeze her hand. "Give it a chance."

"I am tired, Jamie," Ellie said, her shoulders slumped. "And I cannot see you and Claire day after day. When Murtagh was here, it was different. He understood and he let me be me and did not push me to be happy. And we had formed a connection in spite of my feelings, it was true. John does the same. He understands."

Jamie swallowed hard, "Does he?"

"You know he does- better than anyone. You know what I speak of, do you not?"

"Aye, of course I do."

"Then, we'll be content to love the same man, but never have him."

"Lass," Jamie let out his breath. "Tis such folly, that logic."

"We'll have each other instead. He is a good man. I have always been so fond of him. And being stranded with him throughout my confinement, we renewed our friendship in even deeper and stronger ways. I need him, Jamie. I cannot face this without his humor and kindness spurring me on."

Jamie squared his shoulders, "I am not denyin he is a good man, Ellie. For the sake of our children, I am askin ye to reconsider. They need us both." He reached a tentative hand to touch her cheek, "ye promised when ye severed our union that ye would submit yerself to Murtagh or my wishes when it came to our family. I am heid of our clan, lassie. The clan that is the our family. And I am holding ye fast to yer promise."

"Then, I am asking you to release me from that obligation. I can't be as brave as Claire, Jamie. Do not ask me to be."

"Lass," Jamie grunted. "Do ye truly wish to have a marriage in name only?"

She looked over at him, "Who is to say that it would be that way?"

"Then ye wouldna object to...especially when ye ken verra weel..." the tips of Jamie's ears got red.

"No, James, I wouldn't," Eleanor said. "If that is what John wants. Honestly, I let you bed me that first night when I didn't know who you were or anything of your character, why wouldn't I let Lord John, who is a man that I respect and admire more than perhaps anybody else?"

"Then," He paused and then leaned to kiss her cheek, "Ye must tell him the truth, mo ghraidh."

She looked stricken, "Are you mad?"

"You say ye trust him. Ye say that ye have a deep and abiding friendship. ye say ye cannot face life with me here without him. So tell him the truth aboot ye if ye trust him so much."

"No," Eleanor shook her head, swiftly.

He reached for her hand, "We'll do so together."

"Good Lord, Jamie, you are a manipulative bastard." She tugged her hand out of his.

"Do ye no trust him?"

"Jamie," Eleanor let out her breath, "the truth is not rational. I can hardly believe it myself and I lived it"

"If he dinnae believe ye, then he dinnae deserves ye," Jamie stood.

"You are placing an impossible task on him," Eleanor said, "It isn't fair."

"We shall see," Jamie retorted. "We'll tell him tonight after the bairns are asleep."

Eleanor stalked off, "Do not follow me."

Jamie kicked up the dirt around him and then sat back down to bury his head in his hands.

**A/N:** Jamie isn't his finest in this chapter...but I think it fits his scottish stubborn temper well. He'll improve... :) Drop a review and let me know what you think if you get a moment. **Up next:** some sweet parenting moments, some tough parenting moments, and Lord John learns the truth.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: **Happy, Happy New Year! Thank you ALL for your thoughts. Yes, Jamie wasn't at his finest in last chapter...see what you think of this chapter... another longer one... :)

**Chapter 25**

Eleanor took a breath and wiped her eyes before headed back inside the cabin. She forced a smile at the others and went to take Hope from Claire, who was in her and Jamie's room off the main room.

"Thank you for watching her."

"You're most welcome," she nodded. "I was just about to change her."

"I got her," she said, kissing the baby's head.

"Use the bed," Claire said. "It is more comfortable than the floor."

"Very well," Eleanor forced a smile and sat with the baby on the bed.

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Actually," Eleanor titled her head, "Can you talk to Jamie before tonight?"

Claire went to sit on the bed beside Eleanor. "What is going on?"

"Just...talk to him," she said. "I can't get through that hard Fraser head of his and considering...well, he's more apt to listen to you and not me."

"Very well, I'll try," Claire said with a nod. "But I'd say that he listens the same to both of us, Ellie." She left the room.

Ellie began to change her on the bed, Rosie climbing up beside her with her own doll.

"Nappy for my baby?" Rosie asked, pretending to change her own baby.

Eleanor smiled at her daughter. "We can fix you up with something, Rosie. I think I have," she rifled through her bag, "Here is a piece of cloth."

She finished changing the baby and picked her up and gave her another kiss.

"Rosie hole Hope?"

Eleanor smiled again, "Sure you can. Let's see..." Eleanor looked around the small room.

Jamie came in the room, "Sorry to interrupt, I just needed..." he went over to the nightstand and picked up his spectacles.

Eleanor stiffened. "It's your room. Claire said it was okay to change the baby."

"Of course," Jamie said. "What is goin on here?" he asked Rosie who was bouncing on the bed.

"Well," Eleanor swallowed hard, "Rosie wants to hold Hope and I was trying to figure out the safest way to do so."

"Da hole me. I hole baby," Rosie said, solemnly.

Eleanor looked at Jamie and laughed, "My God, she is a Fraser through and through."

"Aye," Jamie chuckled. "Verra weel, leannan. I see yer canny mind has it all worked out," Jamie sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "Come and sit." He patted his lap and Rosie climbed in it. "Now, when ye hold a wee bairn like Hope, ye have to be verra careful with her...especially her neck. She isna like yer rag doll that ye can flop aboot."

Eleanor eased Hope into Rosie's arms. Jamie reached to support her head. "She canna hold her neck up weel, yet, though that will come soon."

"My baby," Rosie said. Hope began coo at her and smile.

"She likes ye, leannan," Jamie said, laughing. "My bonny wee lasses." He paused after saying them as if suddenly realizing the weight of his words. He looked across the room to meet Eleanor's eyes, inclining his head as if asking...yet again.

Eleanor took a shuddering breath, her face flushed at the scene and slipped from the room...allowing Jamie time with his girls...the one he could claim and the one he could not.

* * *

The boys were swinging sticks at each other later in the day while Eleanor watched, Rosie and Hope napping inside.

"William," Eleanor entreated as she shielded her face, "Be careful with the Sam. He is so much littler than you."

"Yes, ma'am, but you should have your hat on Madam Fitzgibbons," William countered. "Papa is going to scold if you are all red again."

"The weather is cool, I should be fine," Eleanor countered.

"But the sun is still strong, is it not?" John said, standing on the porch, her hat in his hands. Jamie came up beside him.

Eleanor stood, still shielding her eyes, "I'm more worried about the boys playing too roughly. Sticks seems a sure way of getting an eye poked out."

"Be that as it may," John said, "Here is your hat. The last sunburnt you had, you were peeling for days," John raised an eyebrow.

Jamie chuckled, "She was never fond of hats," he commented. "I couldna get her to remember, try as I might."

"Perhaps, she has not found ones to her liking," John retorted.

"Or perhaps she is just stubborn," Jamie offered.

"I _am_ standing right here," Eleanor said, taking the hat from Lord John, "Thank you, Lord John."

"You are quite welcome," he said. "Now what is this concern about the boys?"

"Sam is awfully little for stick wielding," Eleanor bit her lip. "They are going to get hurt."

"Let the wee lads be, Ellie," Jamie said, "they are just doin a bit of sword fighting." he frowned, studying the three boys. "Their technique could use some improvement though."

He went to Mac. "May I?" he asked.

Mac nodded and handed Jamie his stick.

"Jamie, do be careful," Eleanor entreated. "Sam is only three."

"Dinna fash, mama" Jamie winked at her. "Yer sons will be returned to ye in one piece. Ye have my word."

"With both their eyes?" Eleanor asked.

Jamie smirked at her and then went to bend down next to his sons...all of them.

"I wielded a blade at age three, Ellie," John told her.

"Oh, good Lord. I just want them to be solicitors or ministers..." Eleanor responded.

"What a dreadful fate to wish upon your sons..." John said, shaking his head in dismay, "with Jamie's sense of adventure and your wit and determination that will never suffice. Excuse me, my dear," he gently moved her out of his way and then left her side to join Jamie and the boys, William handing him his stick.

Eleanor plopped down on the porch steps, Claire coming up beside her to watch as well.

"What's wrong with being a solicitor or minister?" Eleanor asked Claire.

Claire smiled at her. "I would feel quite the same way," she said, nodding."But this is in their blood."

She nodded, "Yes, I'm all too aware."

Jamie and John began a lesson on the art of sword fighting which ended up to a match with the little boys on the men's shoulders- Mac on Jamie's and Sam on John's and then took turns fighting William. There was much laughter and frivolity and as Eleanor watched, her heart was full.

There was something so beautiful in the simple joy that they had for that hour together. She just wished it could always be so. But night was approaching an and Eleanor absolutely dreaded what was to come.

* * *

For as blissful the afternoon was, the weight of the evening's promised discussion caused tension between Eleanor and Jamie.

"Ye need to eat yer vegetables, Sam."

"Mama dinna eat them," Sam said and Jamie turned to her.

Jamie went over and plopped a nice helping of steamed leafy green plants on her plate. "She must have just forgotten. She loves them, do ye no, Mama? We canna have the lad thinking ye dinna."

Eleanor turned and titled her head at Jamie, who was looking quite amused. He knew she hated them. _Loathed_ steamed leafy plants...

John coughed beside her trying not to laugh for he was also aware of her preferences.

"If you must know, it makes Hope fussy," she said, slowly, "But if you want to be up with a colicky baby all night, then all means...use me as object lesson for your son, but Hope will be your responsibility tonight."

Jamie grunted and then reached for her plate, dumping them on his.

"Eat your veggies, Sam," Eleanor titled her head, "You too, Mac." She reached for Sam's plate. "Look, I'll help you." She stuck the fork into it and then made swirling motions with her fork.

"What's that supposed to be, Mama?" Mac asked, curious.

Jamie titled his head and met her eyes. "What _is_ that supposed to be, Mama?" he asked, his tone pointed.

Claire coughed. "Perhaps a bird, right, Ellie?"

"Yes, what would you think it was, Da?" Eleanor's tone was equally pointed. "What else flies in the sky?"

John cleared his throat and leaned over to his godson. "Sam, when I didn't want to eat my vegetables as a young boy, I would hold my nose and simply shove it in."

Eleanor looked at him, "So dignified, my Lord," she chided, sarcastically. Her expression was serious, but he caught the small smirk that escaped.

"Well, yes," John shrugged, "It got the job done, did it not?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I confess, I may have done similar from time to time."

"Vegetables are so good for your health," Claire said. "They'll make you strong, just like Lord John and Da. So you can do alot of sword fighting. Just a few bites, boys."

Sam closed his mouth and shook his head. "I dinna want to."

"Ye ate them last night, lad," Jamie said.

"I'm not goin to tonight," he crossed his arms.

"If Sam isna, I isna," Mac crossed his arms. "Tis not fair."

"Mutiny aboard," Eleanor whispered to John, wryly. "Well, boys, you are going to sit here until you do," she looked at Jamie, "It could be all night, they are your children after all."

Jamie looked at her, their eyes meeting, "I ken what ye are up to," he came behind her and whispered into her ear, "And it willna work." He went to plop Sam up into his arms. "Ye first. Let's go have a wee chat."

"I dinna want a wee chat," Sam began to fuss and kick, disrupting the table.

"Good Lord, James," Eleanor rose. "Hand him over. It's not worth a tantrum. I'll _talk_ with him."

"Eleanor, it is more than aboot the vegetables. I canna tolerate blatant disobedience." Jamie's voice held a warning. He inclined his head.

"They are most likely exhausted from playing so hard this afternoon. And they should have the right to express their feelings," Eleanor met his eyes and raised her eyebrows.

John reached for his wine and exchanged a long look with Claire.

Jamie made a guttural sound of disbelief.

"I need to speak with Mama for a moment..._outside_." He put Sam down in Eleanor's spot next to Lord John. "Sit next to yer godfather and if I hear ye kick the table one more time, Samuel John, our wee chat won't be so wee, ye ken?"

"No, thank you," Eleanor said, keeping her voice calm.

Mac's eyes widened. No one quite talked to Da the way Mama did.

Sam wiggled about on the bench beside Lord John, his face scrunched in a pout and his foot ever so gently tapping against the table.

Lord John put his arm around his godson's shoulders and leaned down. "Sit still, Samuel," John said, sternly and Sam stilled immediately. He was quite in awe of his godfather.

Eleanor went to pick up Sam again, ignoring John's clear look of caution, but before she could reach him, Jamie intercepted her, grabbing her hand.

"I dinna think I asked," Jamie took Eleanor's hand and practically dragged her outside, the door slamming behind.

John cleared his throat. "Hand me Sam's plate, William," John said, quietly. "Do not look so worried, Mac. Your parents will sort it out."

"Is Da goin to have a wee chat with Mama?" Mac asked, his mouth opened.

"I'm sure not in the way you think," John said, his voice calming.

"Madam Fitzgibbons always speaks her mind," William offered. "She is quite bold."

"Even to Da?" Mac frowned.

"She does to Papa...though never rudely, she must be very upset at Mister Fraser to do so." William frowned at the thought. "Why is she so upset, Papa?"

"That is none of our concern, William," John titled his head in warning, "You would do well to mind your own business. Here, Sam, let's take a few bites, shall we?" When he opened his mouth to protest, he pinched his godson's nose and shove the veggies in his mouth. "Swallow. Ah, there you go. Now drink some milk. Perfect, not so bad, eh?" he patted Sam on the back. "What do you say, Madam Fraser? Two more bites will do?"

"I think that would be sufficient," Claire nodded. "Mac, do you want help as well?"

Mac nodded and Claire provided Mac the same service.

"Should we go tell them we ate them?" Mac asked. "Maybe that would make them feel better."

Claire reached gave Mac a hug and kiss, "I do not think it has to do with the vegetables, Mac, darling."

John turned to Claire. "Are they always of one mind when it comes to parenting?" he asked, wryly.

Claire forced a smile, "I think it would have been a struggle no matter what and now with the other factors, it just compounds everything. Neither of them will wish to yield."

John put his hands on the table and rose, "Eleanor needs her wrap and gloves. It is cold out. I do not wish her catching a chill."

They heard voices raised from outside and Claire nodded, "Probably a wise idea. They'll both listen to you."

"Now is Lord John goin to have a wee chat with both Mama and Da?" Mac asked, his eyes wide.

"Believe me, it is very tempting, Mac," John said, wryly, causing Claire to laugh, before grabbing Eleanor's wrap and gloves from the hook and heading out the door.

* * *

"Are ye no goin to say anything?" Jamie asked, putting the lantern down in the yard. "Fer God's sake, woman, what are ye doin?"

"What am I doing?" Eleanor gasped. "Me? Are you truly pinning this all on me?"

"Ye canna question me in front of our children."

"And you cannot act like they are only yours!"

"I didn't realize I needed yer permission to discipline our bairns."

"And you cannot just order me around in front of them. I am not your child."

"Are we still having this discussion six years later, lass?" Jamie said, dryly. "What are ye teaching our bairns when ye deliberately speak to me in such manner?"

"And what are you teaching them about respecting women when you dismiss my opinions and order me about like one of them? Not to mention poking my temper on purpose all throughout supper."

"I'm not the only one doin the poking!" Jamie pointed his finger.

"This is all on you, James Fraser," Eleanor's voice raised.

"It isna!"

"My goodness," John said, shaking his head at them, his lantern and wrap in hand. "They way you two are carrying on, the children will soon be able to hear this dreadful display of behavior."

"He started it," Eleanor told him.

"Oh, verra funny, lassie," Jamie retorted.

"Great God in Heaven," John said, coming closer to them, placing the lantern on the ground. "First of all, it is cold out here and Eleanor does not have the proper attire to have a long drawn out discussion. She is shivering."

Jamie looked sheepish, "I dinna realize ye were so cold."

"Do you even care?" Eleanor's teeth began to chatter.

"Dinnae start with that again, ye ken verra weel that I do." Jamie said as John helped her put on her wrap and then handed her gloves. Eleanor put them on while John stood between them.

"It doesn't feel like you do," Eleanor retorted, tears prickling her eyes.

"And yer feelings have been so reasonable of late?" Jamie asked.

"And why is that?" Eleanor said, "Months in Jamaica."

"That was not my choice, it was Murtagh's."

"You didn't stop him!"

"He is my godfather and was yer husband."

"But you are laird or some sort of nonsense that makes you think that you can boss the lot of us around...I'm not doing it anymore, Jamie. You have decided everything for us- and I am just expected to roll over...I'm not going to! They are my children too and I will fight you every step of the way..."

"Just to spite me, eh?" Jamie glared at her, his hands fisted. "Fer Christ's sake, ye infuriating besom!"

She went for him, but John's reflexes were quick, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to his side.

"Enough!" John said, raising his voice over theirs, his hand still on Eleanor. She paused. She had never heard John raise his voice and she wasn't about to trifle with the look he was giving both of them. He was just as commanding as Jamie, even more so. Jamie stopped yelling as well, sensing the same.

When John realized she had calmed, he went to stand between them.

"Now," he said, looking between both of them. "You two have got to stop this madness. You are acting _far_ worse than the children."

"John," Eleanor grunted.

"No, Eleanor, my dear, you need to listen now," John said, his voice tense.

"Ye canna reason with her when she is like this, man," Jamie said. "Speaking from experience, when she is like this, there is only two ways to bring her out of it..." he held up a finger, "one..."

Eleanor's face flushed, "Jamie Fraser, do not _dare_ finish that thought."

"Do ye deny it?" Jamie inclined his head. "If he is goin to marry ye, ye should ken what he is gettin himself into."

John cleared his throat, "I dare say at this moment _both_ of you would benefit greatly from a decent thrashing," John said, wryly. "Which one of you should I take out to the woodshed first?"

"Very funny," Eleanor retorted.

"It was said only partly in jest," John raised an eyebrow in her direction. "I am endlessly fond of you, Eleanor, but God help me."

"I can't do anything right with him, John!" Eleanor groaned. "This is not on me."

"Be that as it may," John stepped towards her and stood by her side, "you cannot provoke him and expect him not to respond," John held up his hand to Jamie, "And don't look so smug, Fraser, because I don't need to even begin to address the awful way you have been behaving these past two days. Eleanor has every right to feel what she does."

"When we were married, you at least tried to understand my point of view," Eleanor wiped the tears that were beginning to fall. "It's like you just want me to abide now, Jamie. Go along with everything."

"She has a point, Jamie," John said. "You yielded to her more times than naught. You've told me as much."

"But things have changed."

"Obviously," Eleanor retorted.

"Eleanor," John murmured to her, "If you respond to him so rudely, he is going to respond with harshness, which will hurt your feelings and incite your anger. And the cycle will continue until all of us go quite mad..."

"Please stop being so reasonable," Eleanor grunted.

"Somebody has to be in this situation," John retorted, evenly, "Now, calm yourself and tell us what you are thinking."

"Good luck with that," Jamie muttered.

Eleanor ignored him, "I don't want Jamie to make all the discipline decisions without consulting me."

"Even fer somethin as simple and obvious like eating their vegetables?" Jamie raised an eyebrow. "No, ye were lookin to fight me over something and this is the opportunity that presented itself."

John's hand reached out to touch her arm, resting heavily upon it. He didn't know what she would do, but from the look she gave Jamie, nothing would have surprised him at that moment. He felt her take a breath and he dropped his hand.

"That is not true," Eleanor retorted, "We had months of you parenting without me. I want a say. And I don't think they should be punished harshly for not eating them. I never liked them growing up."

"No child does," Jamie retorted, "But we force them because it is best fer them."

"Eleanor," John titled his head, "I don't think Jamie was going to punish them _harshly_ for their outburst. I'm almost certain he wasn't going to beat them over it. Were you?"

"Of course not," Jamie glared at her, "A few smacks. With my hand. Good Lord, woman."

"And if he were to take harsher action, I am sure that he would discuss it with you- isn't that how it worked before?" John asked, with a raised eyebrow.

Eleanor looked disgruntled. "Yes, I suppose."

"Still, you two need to sit down and have a discussion. Work out a plan for situations like this. Mutually decide what routines and expectations and consequences for behavior. You are both their parents and regardless of the history you share and all the hurt feelings, you need to act like the people I am honored to call both my friends. Do you understand me?"

"Aye," Jamie held up his hand, "Verra weel. Yer point is weel received, Lord John. We can talk tomorrow...all of us." He paused, "I'm sorry, Eleanor, fer losing my temper with ye. Ye have also been through much these past year and I havena exactly been patient with yer feelings."

Eleanor nodded, but remained silent. John turned to her and gave her an exasperated look.

"Oh, fine," Eleanor said. She frowned at him, "At the moment, I'd rather you just beat me than to have to apologize to him. Is that an option?"

Jamie threw back his head and laughed appreciatively, "Aye, that's usually the way of it. She'll come around to it in a few hours. I have missed ye and yer sweet ways, mo ghraidh."

"Great God in Heaven, Ellie," John gave her a severe look, "Of all the ridiculous statements to make..."

"Still want to marry her?" Jamie raised an eyebrow.

"Without a doubt," John said, his hand resting heavily on Eleanor's arm. "I find her quite endearing when she stands up to you."

Jamie laughed harder and then went to pat John on the arm. "Gut man."

Eleanor glared at his retreating form and John held steady to her arm. "Just a moment."

"Yes?"

He frowned, studying her in the lantern light. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but it is far easier for me to defend you, Eleanor, my dear, when you are behaving reasonably and that hasn't been the case tonight. What has possessed you to act in such a manner?"

She shifted and her face burned.

"I do not say those words to shame you although it does hurt me to see two people I am incredibly fond of, act in ways so opposite of the way I know them to be."

She swallowed hard, "It was poorly done."

"Believe me, we all have those moments, especially when Jamie is concerned," John's voice was gentle, his hand still on her arm, "I am just wondering perhaps...is there a reason why you are determined to provoke Jamie tonight?" he questioned. "Perhaps if you let me know, I can better assist you...at the very least, in keeping your temper in front of the little ones."

"Perhaps," she said, quietly.

"Well, what is it?" John pressed. "I gathered your conversation did not go well earlier. Is it that?"

"Yes, but also.." Eleanor bit her lip. "Jamie...Jamie wants me to tell you something from my past...something...well, it has the potential to change everything."

John titled his head. "And you do not wish to do so?"

She let out a breath, "I don't know what I wish."

"I see," John studied her. "Is it something I must be aware of for the safety of you and the children?"

She paused, "Maybe," she said slowly. "Potentially. More because it may shed light on some things."

"You do not have to tell me anything you do not wish to, Eleanor," John studied her.

"I think I must," Eleanor let our a breath, "Jamie will not rest until I do. He sees it as a test for us."

"And you do not think I will pass it?" John asked. "Do you have such little faith in me?"

"Oh John, I don't think I would ever pass the test if the roles were reversed," Ellie said, "It has nothing to do with you." She went and picked up the lantern light. "Come, the children must be worried."

"Of course," John took the light from her and offered his arm to escort her back into the house.

* * *

When they had finally gotten the children settled in and asleep for the night, Jamie approached Eleanor. "May I take the bairn fer a while? I can hold her while we talk."

"I don't think I can do this, Jamie," Eleanor's face was pale. "I'm really afraid."

"When I said we would do this together, mo ghraidh, I meant it," Jamie reached for the baby, putting Hope up against his shoulder and arranging the blanket to make sure she was warm. "It will be fine."

He went to sit at the table, John joining them.

"Sassenach," Jamie inclined his head, "Maybe get the whisky."

Claire grabbed the whisky and sat down next to Jamie. "You shouldn't force Eleanor to do something she isn't ready to do," Claire told him, putting the glasses on the table with a clank.

Jamie poured three glasses and shoved John's across the table. "Ye are goin to need this, man."

"That is never a good sign," John was composed, but you could tell he was concerned. He took a sip. "What is going on?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "you trust us all to be honorable and...sane...don't you?"

"Well, if you must know I do think all of you to be rather insane at times, but in general, yes, I do not doubt your soundness of mind," John said.

Eleanor looked at Jamie for support. "I do not know how to begin."

John put a hand on her arm, "Eleanor, there should be nothing too awful to fear between friends. And we are, are we not?"

"You do not understand."

"I have been privy to your secrets before."

"I know," she laughed, "since we first met. You have been a faithful confidant. But this...it's different." She gave Jamie a tortured look, "Must we?"

"Now you are frightening me," John looked between her and Jamie. "What is going on?"

Eleanor buried her head in the table, "It is going to sound insane to you, John."

John looked to Jamie. "If this is going to distress her this much, I'd rather not know."

"But you must," Jamie responded seriously, "If ye want to marry her, ye must ken. Fer her safety and that of our bairns. Especially to take Eleanor into society...it could be a disaster fer ye and fer her."

She lifted her head, "I can figure it out."

"Ach," Jamie shook his head, "no, mo ghraidh. Not without him helping you."

"But Claire went to Paris as Lady Broch Tuarach."

"And Jamie helped me navigate the French Court," Claire offered. "It wasn't easy. And I was more aware of history then you are."

"What in God's name is going on here?" John said, swallowing hard.

"Eleanor..." Jamie said.

Eleanor met his eyes, her eyes tortured and Jamie understood. He would have to do this for her.

"Aye, well, then," Jamie straightened his back, "I will begin for ye, lassie. When I chose to marry Eleanor, John, I did so for a verra specific reason. Ye have said before that Eleanor is unlike any other woman ye have ever ken...and ye are right, she is special and there is a reason fer that. She is ahead of our time in what she believes and how her mind works just as Claire is but.." Jamie looked down at the bairn and then back at John, "both of them are in line with how women think in _their_ time."

John startled, paused and then said slowly, "I am not quite understanding your meaning."

Jamie met his eyes, "I will tell ye the whole of it, John. Ye deserve to ken the truth as a friend...and as a man of honor. All I ask is that ye listen and seek understanding."

"Of course," John said. "I will endeavor to do so."

And with that, Jamie launched into the whole tale, Hope in his arms. John listened intently, white faced. Eleanor beside him, clenched hands. Claire offered her bits and pieces to it. John asked questions, alot of them. Eleanor was quiet, the tension in her body.

"Claire is a doctor and you are...?" John looked to her. "Did you have an occupation?"

"A teacher," Eleanor swallowed hard.

"That is why you are so good with William's lessons."

"I enjoy it."

"You are educated, yes?"

Eleanor nodded.

"Did you attend university?"

"College in Virginia," Eleanor said, her voice tense. "Graduated _Summa Cum Laude_."

"_With highest honors_?" Jamie mused, "They gave awards at the end, then."

She nodded. "I think that did not start until the 1800s or so."

John's jaw dropped. "This is remarkable. And...the colonies..."

"Break free from the British a few years from now in a war that will be fought upon these shores and celebrated each year as our Independence Day. They form the United States of America. They are their own country and in hundreds of years from now, will be regarded as the most powerful nation in the world." Eleanor bit her lip. "That is _my America_, not the colonies."

"Life will even advance past what I knew to be true," Claire said, "There will be freedom and equality for all...in Ellie's days."

"Or working more towards it. We had an African American president," Eleanor smiled. "Our first lady was descended from slavery. It was remarkable. I voted for him. So inspiring."

"Did you vote?" John looked at her, in wonder.

"Of course," Eleanor nodded. "It's important to vote. That is the whole reason that America went to war- to have representation and a voice in the decisions that were to be made for us. We honor that by voting. I would take Harry and Charlotte with me. They loved the sticker."

"So there will not be a king?" John frowned, contemplating that.

"No, America will be founded on democratic principles. Justice and liberty for all...and it took hundreds of years, but really for all. It's why..." Eleanor rubbed her temples, her head was pounding, "I keep asking you if you are sure...because in my days, if you... felt a certain way, according to the law, it was okay to act upon it...even to marry."

John stood abruptly and walked to put his hand on the mantle.

Eleanor looked to Jamie, biting her lip. He reached across the table to pat her hand. "Just let him think," he whispered.

He was quiet for a few torturous minutes before speaking again...

"So you are telling me...Jamie...that you believe all this...? This is _unfathomable_."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I do. I sent Claire back through those same stones on the day I fought the battle of Culloden. I put her hand upon the stones and watch her disappear before my verra own eyes. And I was at the stones on the day Eleanor arrived and watched her sitting all day with her hand upon the same stone, trying to get back to her husband and wee uns."

John coughed again, "And your husband and children, Eleanor..." he leaned against the mantle.

"They are alive sometime in the future..." she said, "gone to me, but not entirely gone."

John turned abruptly and met Jamie's eyes, "Just like you described Claire to me at Ardsmuir." He turned back to the mantle, tapping his fingers against it, "I must think. Great God in Heaven, how can this be?"

"I know this is inconceivable for I think it is ridiculously insane and I lived it!" Eleanor buried her head on the table, unable to face it. She began to cry for she knew that John would not believe...he could not. No reasonable person would and John was the most reasonable, steady person she had ever met.

"Insane, but not untrue," Jamie's voice was strained as he saw how distraught Eleanor was. Maybe he had miscalculated things...

Claire reached across the table to put her hand on Ellie's. It was in that moment that Eleanor realized how much she needed John to believe her. As her trusted friend, who was always so steady for her, when her world was turned upside down as it was so often these days.

"Eleanor," John's voice was low, but compelling. "I need you to look me in the eyes once again and tell me all of this is true."

She raised her head and turned towards him. She met his eyes, tears clouding her vision. "Every wretched word is true, Lord John. I cannot explain why or how, but I just know it _is_."

In a swift determined movement, John strode over to her and reached for her hand which rested on the table. "Come then," He pulled her up, guiding her across the small room away from the others. "Sweetheart, you are trembling," he chided, "I will not hurt you."

"You cannot tell anyone..." she struggled to catch her breath, "they will think I am a witch and burn me..." She stood at arms length from him, though her hand was still in his.

"Put your mind at ease," he squeezed her hand, "I don't believe they burn witches in the colonies anymore," John said, soothingly, "Regardless, I doubt you will hear me ever repeating such a remarkable tale." He met her eyes, "And yet...the two people I trust most in the world and regard with the most affection and respect have told me this...and...I find myself..." he paused, letting out his breath, "believing this insanity."

"Really?" The tears dripped down Eleanor's cheeks. "Do you?"

"Yes, I do," John nodded. "My dear friend, what you have had to endure. What fear you have had to live through. And to have to tell me...I can only imagine the burden this has been for you. No wonder you were so troubled tonight. I wish to hold you. Will you allow me to do so?"

She nodded and he said, "Come to me then," He opened his arms up for her and she came into them. She sobbed into his arms, him quietly holding her. "Everything will be well," he murmured. "You do not have to fear so much. Now that I know, I can better help you. Jamie was right to insist upon it."

Jamie's eyes were on them, studying their interaction until Claire reached for his hand and inclined her head, pulling him into their bedroom, leaving Eleanor and John alone.

"I hate myself."

"Why would you say that?" he murmured.

"I cannot shut off what I know and just be at peace..._normal_...like everyone else."

John pulled her away from him, "I know what it is to feel different...to feel like you have no place to be yourself," he murmured. "But what makes you different, Eleanor," he reached in for his handkerchief, but wiped away her tears himself, "also makes you remarkable. And you are...very remarkable...and very dear. I beg you to never forget that. Now," he looked at her steadily, handing her his handkerchief, "you must dry your tears and tell me more. I want to hear from your words so you will know that I believe _you_...not because Jamie told me so."

He lead her to the small sofa and Eleanor and him talked for another hour before hearing the bairn cry.

"I did not realize Jamie still had Hope," Eleanor said.

"I had forgotten about her as well."

Jamie came out, his hair tossed. "She wants to feed, I think."

"She's overdue," Eleanor rose, taking the baby from Jamie, "Thank you, Jamie. For the record, I am sorry about questioning you in front of our children earlier. It was badly done." She frowned, "And for telling you that I would rather Lord John beat me than apologize- that was immature. Forgive me?"

Jamie gave her a lopsided grin, "Always, mo ghraidh," he leaned to kiss her cheek. "Thank ye for the apology. And we will have that discussion. Ye are their Mama. Nothing will change that fact. It dinna have to be such a struggle between us."

"Of course," she nodded. "I look forward to talking through it with you. Goodnight, James."

Jamie smiled at her, "Sweet dreams, lass."

"Goodnight, Lord John," Eleanor turned to him, "I hope you can sleep after all this drama."

"I will endeavor to do my best," John said, solemnly. He rose and leaned down to kiss her on the cheek, "Sleep well, Ellie, my dear."

She left them alone and Jamie went over to pour more whisky, handing John a glass and then sitting next to him.

"She did apologize...hours later," John remarked, taking a sip.

"Aye, that is usually the way of it," Jamie nodded. "Her pride is fierce, John. And her temper...aye, weel..." Jamie gave him a look and then a big grin.

John looked over to him startled, "You enjoy the part of her, don't you?"

"Maybe not at the time when she is sparkin my own, but upon reflection, when she is fierce, aye, I do enjoy it."

John chuckled. "She was quite so tonight in the yard, was she not?"

Jamie smiled, "Aye, she was- in rare form. When Eleanor believes she is right, even if she is clearly wrong, ye have to move heaven and earth to get her to sway."

"Are you trying to scare me into rescinding my offer?" John asked, lightly.

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, "Giving ye fair warning, tis all. And I have no determined yet if I will give my consent."

"Does she need your consent?" John asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Ye and her both will want it," Jamie took a swig of his drink. "If ye are serious about Eleanor, there are other matters."

"Like?"

"Do ye remember me describin to ye the differences between Eleanor and Claire?"

"Yes, indeed."

"Weel, they havena changed. Even after years in this century, ye must take care to guard Eleanor's heart, protect her from the harsher realities of this time."

"Of course."

"And sometimes that means doin things that ye dinna wish to do," Jamie said, grasping his tumbler. "because she is so damn stubborn at times and thinks she kens what is right. She doesna easily submit."

John gave a small smile, "Two ways, eh?"

"Aye," Jamie gave him a lopsided grin, "but to be perfectly honest, as much as she might imply otherwise, I only really laid a hand on her in the most dire circumstances..and with her consent. But she'll bring it up those two times every time she is angry...in every argument for the rest of your life...so do take care with it."

John laughed, "She is extraordinary, is she not?"

"Aye, she is," Jamie nodded. "So verra infuriating, but so verra..." He paused, shaking his head. "I miss her, ye ken."

"I know you do, Jamie," John said, gently.

"Thank ye for bein so kind to the lass tonight."

John nodded. "Of course. I meant my words to her, Jamie. She is very dear to me."

"I ken she is."

"Will you not let me do this, Jamie? For her? For you? For the children?"

"I dinnae ken."

"Well, I need you to figure it out soon...for all of our sakes," John patted him on the arm before bidding goodnight and heading to bed.

* * *

"Good morning," John came up to sit beside her on the porch swing. "How did Hope sleep?" he reached out to rub her head under her bonnet.

"Jamie took her again half way through the night," Ellie admitted. "He was worried she would wake up the children. And he knew how tired I was and emotional."

"Ah, yes," John continued to rub her head. "She is a doll, Eleanor. She looks so much like you."

"Yes, thankfully," Eleanor said, her legs bumping the swing. "Do you hate me now that morning has come?"

"Hate you?" John asked, surprised. "Why would I ever hate you?"

"We had formed a friendship and I did not trust you with the truth until Jamie forced my hand."

"I do not blame you for not trusting me with the truth," John said, quietly. "for the truth is...well, it is rather unconceivable. But as I said last night, there has always been an openness between you and I, Eleanor from the moment we met and you confided in me how put out Jamie would be with you for defying him."

Eleanor laughed at the memory, "He beat me that day."

"I suspected he might. I do hope that he did not make a habit of that."

"He didn't."

"I'm very glad to hear it...he has said as much to me," John told her.

She titled her head. "I should ask...if we are to wed, _you_ wouldn't make a habit of, would you?"

He reached out to touch her arm, gently. "I do not think I would ever wish to take you to task in that way, Eleanor."

"Well, yes, I didn't think you would ever wish to...but there were a few occasions that Jamie didn't wish to, but did so anyway..."

"I see what you mean," John said, his voice low. "We are soldiers, my dear, obedience and swift punishment for lack of obedience are our way...I was a warden of a prison, so in that situation too, there were times to be harsh, for the good and safety of all. It is how order is maintained and frankly, it was the way we were both raised...If Jamie thought that not taking action would cause more harm than taking action, then I can understand his perspective...yet, for me, in your case, I do think you need gentleness over any harshness I could dole out."

"Even if I go against your wishes in the most stupidest of ways?" Eleanor rocked the baby, "because I swear John, it will happen one day."

He chuckled, "You are really trying to hold my feet to the fire, are you not?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"Very well, let me think on how best to answer," He paused, thinking for a few minutes. "I never raised a hand to Isobel. Does that help?"

"I couldn't imagine you would, but Lady Isobel was surely a more compliant, reasonable wife than I will be," Eleanor shifted the baby to her shoulder.

"Indeed, I am already seeing that," John reached for her hand. "You have a temper. It was for certain, one of your more amusing qualities when you were married to Jamie, but..."

"You might not be so amused when directed at you?" Eleanor asked, wryly.

He squeezed her hand. "That's the way of it."

"Jamie has more of a temper than you do though...we tended to clash in our marriage, because in spite of our vast differences, actually...when it comes to our vices, we were alot alike."

"I do have a temper though," John admitted, "Jamie tends to bring it out in me too."

Eleanor laughed. "Oh my, that's funny. I should warn you, more times than naught, Jamie was the first to yield to try to bring us back into harmony."

"My, that _is_ telling," John laughed at her, "I told you I did not wish for a dull life with you."

She grinned at him, "So..."

"So..." he kissed her hand and released it. "To return to your original question, perhaps we should leave it at this. If all other recourse fails and the act was especially egregious...deliberately done and in defiance to my expressed wishes, an act that result in compromising your safety and that of our family, in which try as I might, I cannot get your understanding of it to prevent it from happening again...I may _consider_ the option. But it would have to be very bad, Eleanor. And I would say, you would have to agree to terms beforehand."

"And if I don't?"

John met her eyes, "I can be quite persuasive, dearest. But if you don't, then I will not touch you. But you will have to deal with the other consequences it puts on our marriage and family. It will always be your choice to make. You are not a solider, but you are under my protection and you are my responsibility, so...I cannot dismiss it in its entirety, as much as I would wish to," he frowned at the thought. "I just cannot foresee a circumstance when I would resort to such measures, however, in generality, I make it a rule never to dismiss every possibility."

"Very well," Eleanor said, quietly. "I trust you to act reasonably and with kindness."

"That being said, I do not ever wish to break your spirit, Eleanor, especially considering you are perhaps not used to such ways...though Jamie assures me I will be tempted more times than naught."

She laughed, "He probably said you would never hear the end of it, either."

John gave her a wry look, "He did mention that, yes." He paused, contemplating, "And if there is a time, you find that you cannot submit to my lead, perhaps, that is my fault, for not properly giving you, your due," He stared out into the yard, watching the children playing, "There are many things unfair about this time...I know that all too well. And sometimes, we just have to bear it, Eleanor. Because that is the way it is and this is the time we are living in. You will not be disrespected. I will see to that...at least betwix the two of us."

"I understand," she responded. Eleanor shifted Hope who was straining to raise her head, giving John smiles.

"Hello, little one, I do see you," John murmured, his hand on the babe's back. He smiled back at her. She began to coo and John laughed. "she is quite charming like her mama, is she not?"

Eleanor laughed. "I wouldn't call me charming."

"I would," John met her eyes. "Very much so."

She touched his arm lightly, "Thank you for not thinking I am insane."

"You are most welcome," John smiled at her, reaching out to lightly trace the side of her face with his finger.

* * *

Later that day, Jamie shifted Rosie onto his other hip, kissing her mop of curls as he did. "That smells gut," he came up behind Claire.

Claire smacked his hand, gently. "You are worse than the little ones, Jamie."

He chuckled. "Where are the boys?"

"Running around the yard with William. It is like they sense each other, even though that have no idea."

"Aye, I noticed that as well."

He paused as laughter filtered into through the porch. "What is that?"

"I think Eleanor is talking to Lord John on the porch."

More sweet laughter filled the air, this time as he returned hers, laughing together.

"What is it Jamie?" Claire studied her husband carefully.

"She...I have not heard her laugh like that in the longest time. A few times with Murtagh, but not that way." Tears filled his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"No, I understand," Claire said, under her breath, "This is how she was with you, wasn't she?"

"Aye," Jamie took a long sniff, his eyes filled with tears. "It was. John once said that her laughter could heal the weariest of souls. It is as true then as it is today," He kissed Rosie's head again, noticing the child was watching his reaction. "Tis sweet to hear Mama laugh again, Rosie, lassie."

"Mama," Rosie nodded seriously. "Mama happy."

He kissed her again and then put her down, with a swat, "Go play with dollies, lassie. Or go outside to find Mama."

"I want mama."

"Go on then. She would love to see ye."

Rosie toddled off and Claire turned to him, her hands on his shoulders. "I don't pretend to understand how you are feeling. I know you are drawn to Eleanor still as she is to you. But you cannot use the children to keep her here."

"Aye, but John...all things considering," Jamie frowned.

"When I told you the truth about me, you believed me because there was a truth between us. It was inconceivable to you, but it didn't stop you from trusting what we had built. Clearly, John feels the same way. It's a gift, that Eleanor does not have to pretend. If he says that he will be faithful to her, then you have to believe his word."

"but they canna make each other happy..."

More laughter filled the air and Jamie leaned out to watch the scene on the porch carefully. Eleanor had shifted Hope into John's arms and reached to pick up Rosie, hugging her in her arms, breathing in her scent. John had given her a tender smile, his eyes meeting hers, knowing how special it was for Rosie to open up to her again.

"There is more than one way to make one happy," Claire's voice was soft. "They have a connection. It may not be physical, but it is clear that Lord John adores Ellie. You must see that."

"He always has," Jamie said, his voice low. He closed his eyes tightly. "Verra well. I want a church wedding."

"Why?"

"The woman has been handfasted twice now...she deserves a proper marriage," Jamie said, quietly.

"And the children?"

"I dinnae ken," Jamie said. "I owe it to her to at least try to figure it out."

"There is something else to consider," Claire said, softly, "John is English. They will lose the war. Can we really mix the children up in that?"

"Eleanor doesna seem concerned. And I just took land from the English and pledged loyalty," Jamie said, "We already mixed ourselves up in it."

"What about the children?" Claire pressed.

"We will have to figure all that out together," Jamie said, "but tis the right thing to do. Excuse me," he said.

* * *

Eleanor hugged Rose, breathing in her scent, smoothing down her frizzy curls. Her eyes met John's and he smiled warmly at her. Jamie stepped out onto the porch.

"Do ye truly wish this?" Jamie asked both of them.

Eleanor looked at John who nodded, "It seems like the most reasonable course," he retorted.

"Then," Jamie reached for Eleanor's hand, pulling her up. Eleanor shifted Rosie on her hip. Jamie put his hand on his daughter's head and then tipped Eleanor's chin up. "I wish ye the best, mo ghraidh and there is no man better on this Earth than Lord John. I truly believe that."

"Jamie," Eleanor's eyes filled with tears.

Jamie backed away from her and bowed, "My Lady."

John rose with Hope. "Jamie..." his voice was hoarse with emotion for his words touched him deeply.

"Ye will do right by her, John, or I swear to God, I will hunt ye down and there will be a stiff price to pay."

John met his eyes, "On my honor, Mister Fraser."

"Verra gut," Jamie smiled at both of them, "We will figure out the particulars later. But I just wanted ye to both ken that I give ye my blessing."

Eleanor saw how much those words cost him at that moment. Knew how much they would cost him in the future. And yet, he was willing- for her peace and to lessen her heartache. And because he loved her. She rushed forward to put her arms around Jamie, "I love you, James Fraser," she whispered in his ear.

"I love ye too, mo ghraidh," he murmured back. "_Fer_ _Always_."

**A/N**: Did Jamie redeem himself just a bit...?


	26. Chapter 26

**A/N: **So winter break has been really nice- lots of down time (and time to unwind by writing). This is all I have written so far, so updates may be more spaced out (especially as they came close together this month). Thank you all who have continued to review and to all who are lamenting the story direction, a flash forward for you...what does it mean? I don't quite know, but I am open to thoughts...

Strong T warning in this chapter...adult themes ahead.

_4 years later:_

Jamie took a deep breath as he tethered the horse. He had sent word ahead and John came out to greet him.

"Where is Eleanor?" Jamie asked.

"Distracted," John said, offering his hand. "Jamie, you look awful. What has happened?"

Jamie swallowed hard as he took his hand, squeezing it as he shook it, "They left." his voice was hoarse.

"Who left?" John asked, his forehead creased.

"Bree, Roger, the bairns..." Jamie took a breath, "And Claire."

John's eyebrows raised. "What do you mean...and Claire?" he asked, his hand still in Jamie's.

Jamie took a breath, "The bairn...she is not doin well...and Claire thinks Bree needs her. Given the dangers ahead, she thought it be best...I thought it best...I dinane ken who, but...they are gone and they willna come back," he turned his head, "I canna."

"Here," John tugged at his hand, then dropped it, "Come. We must talk."

"I canna..." Jamie shook his head. "She canna ken."

John's face grew white. "Yes, you must come. Come, let us talk. You do not have to see Eleanor or the children if you do not wish, but we must talk about this. We owe it to the children at least to."

"I dinna want this to disrupt yer life. Ye have a chiid, a marriage. If this complicates things even in Eleanor's heid, I dinna want that...that's not why I came. I just needed to see ye, John. I needed to be with a friend."

"Of course you were right to come, Jamie," John said, inclining his head, leading him away from the house into the grove. "And Ellie would also want to be that friend for you."

"But she canna," Jamie shook his head, "She eventually needs to ken, but right now it is too raw. And I dinna want her to...get inside her heid aboot is a marrit woman."

"My marriage to Eleanor is already complicated," John said, quietly.

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, slowly.

"I love Eleanor. I love her dearly. More than I ever imagined. And it is a deep love, an abiding love. I cannot imagine my world without her in it. When I thought she was going to leave us, it tore my guts out, Jamie."

"I ken, I was there," Jamie responded. "I had a similar reaction."

"I remember. But..." he paused, "For the life of me, I cannot..._I cannot shake it_."

Jamie frowned. "What did ye do?"

"I did something rather foolish and I am reaping the consequences of it," John said.

"Ye dinna..." he titled his head.

"No," John let out his breath. "I have not broken her trust...but..." He let out his breath.

"Ye wish to," Jamie studied him.

"In the very worst way," John said, his face white. "I know that will anger you."

"No," He shook his head, "I have no right to judge, especially since I have spent the past five years...married and in love with one and verra much drawn to another. She ignored it fer as long as she could, but this with Bree and the war coming soon, it gave her the excuse..."

John titled his head, "Come." He sat down in a quiet spot by the brook, leaning against a tree. "Let's sit, here" he said, his voice low. "We'll talk through this together like we always do..."

Jamie sat as well. "As trusted friends."

"Yes, as trusted friends," John nodded.

* * *

_Four years earlier:_

Eleanor gently adjusted the blanket around Hope in her crib.

"Is she settled for the night?" John had come up beside her.

"I think so. She is overly tired. It has been a day." She kissed her fingers and then put them on the baby's forehead. "Do you think Jamie and Claire are okay with the others or should I try to go tuck them in?"

"I think considering tonight is our wedding night that you should not cause the servants and the other guests to talk. It could draw unwelcome attention to your and Jamie's history."

"Of course, I did not think," Eleanor swallowed hard. "I...I mean...Do you think...people don't believe that this is genuine? Did I do something wrong?"

"I do not doubt that they do think it is genuine," John's voice was reassuring, "You were charming today. I would not fear, Eleanor. But...we both have roles to play here. You are now my wife...my partner."

"Your equal?" Eleanor looked at him, mischievously.

John snorted, "Hardly, not in this century, my dear."

Eleanor titled her head, "In this house?" she challenged.

He met her look, amused. "In this house, I will acknowledge the wisdom that you bring to our union...and you bring it in spades, Lady John."

Eleanor blushed, "That will take some getting used to. You are going to have to help me."

John titled his head, "Come away. We do not want to wake Hope with our talking."

"Let me just..." Eleanor reached for her gown and her hairbrush and the box that held her hair pins. "I'm sorry, I should have gotten ready. I did not think you would be up so soon."

He put his fingers to his lips and gave her a look of warning. He gestured with his head. She followed him through the adjoining doors to the small sitting room and across to his bedroom. He had paused before entering and gestured for her to go first. She went in and then tossed her gown on the bed and her brush and box of pins on the side table. Her movements were not as relaxed as they had even been in the room with Hope.

"Eleanor," John's voice was patient. "You look anxious."

"May I be..." She paused, searching for the correct word, "presumptuous?"

"When have you not?" John said, dryly. "From the moment, we have met you have not held back...even when propriety had dictated it. But clearly, I understand the reason for that now."

"That's my point, with Jamie, it didn't matter. We were in the Highlands. I was different because I was from the colonies. We are in the colonies now so I cannot use that as an excuse for being different any longer. And I'm married into...well, your family...I mean your brother is a Duke...so"

"You needn't fear my family."

"Even so, I am supposed to know things that I simply do not even after years in this century," she hugged her arms against her. "I felt lost today."

"Of course, I will help you," John approached her, "Please do not trouble yourself, Eleanor. I told you that I would help you acclimate. I have no doubt that you will excel whatever you put your mind to. And as I said earlier, you were nothing but charming today."

She bit her lip. "That's kind, thank you." She paused, "I think I should check on the children."

"Jamie and Claire have them."

"Are you sure I should not check on the children?" She asked. "I am their mother."

"You said your goodnights to them earlier. To go now, would look like you are avoiding bedtime." John said, putting a comforting hand on her arm, thankful she did not flinch at his touch. "Come, my dear, sit. You are just standing there in the middle of the room. You should make yourself comfortable. This is your home now."

"I'm sorry," Eleanor wrung her hands, but allowed John to gently lead her to sit on the settee with him.

"You do not have to apologize to me."

"I did not realize what the two months of separation would cause me to be so awkward around you."

"I did not foresee that either," John said, considering her, "we have many months of separation and you have always been at ease."

"Well, perhaps, this is uncharted territory between you and I, is it not?"

"Uncharted, but not unforeseen," John countered.

"I do not deny it," Eleanor swallowed hard, "Then, a drink, perhaps..."

John titled his head and stood went over to his side table. He shook the tumbler. "Empty."

Eleanor raised her eyebrows. "That is so unlike you, Lord John," she laughed in spite of herself.

John grinned. "But do not despair, my Lady. I think I had the supplies I had on hand downstairs for our guests," he gestured to her. "Why don't you change? Would that help?"

"Whisky, Lord John." Eleanor suggested. "That would help."

"Very well, Eleanor." He gave her one more reassuring smile before headed downstairs in search of provisions.

* * *

"I'm sorry," John stopped in his tracks. "I did not know you would be here."

"No, I'm sorry," Jamie said, standing with his whisky. "We had just finished tucking in the wee uns and Claire is reading one more story to Mac. He was quite insistent. I told her I would get her a drink."

"Of course, you are welcome to," John said. "I was actually looking for the same. It seems that I am out in my rooms."

"Is Hope asleep?"

"Yes, the little one was quite exhausted from all the festivities," John nodded, reaching for the whisky.

"Dinnae do that," Jamie advised. "Eleanor cannot hold her whisky. Brandy, maybe...Wine. One glass."

"That's right, I knew that," John reached for the brandy. "She wanted whisky."

Jamie's eyebrows raised significantly, "What have ye done, man?"

"I have done nothing," John glared at him, "Only invite her away from her room and into mine."

Jamie chuckled and looked amused.

"There is nothing amusing about this, Fraser," John countered. "Do not take pleasure in my wife's anxiety."

"Forgive me, I dinnae mean..." Jamie said. "How anxious is she?"

"Well, more so than I have anticipated, considering she is a mother of six, and this is her fourth marriage," John said, dryly.

Jamie frowned. "Eleanor is a sensitive soul. Ye have to get inside that heid of hers. Coax her into telling ye what the matter is. She is worried about something specific when she gets that way. Once ye address that, she might be jittery, but tis to be expected. Even if she has been marrit before, _ye_ are new to her."

"Of course, I'll try to deduce what the matter is." John said. "I did not mean to sound so unsympathetic. Has she said anything to you?"

"She wouldna say," Jamie said, "as she kens I had my reservations, but it is done now unless ye want to annul based on non-consummation," Jamie said, lightly.

"I assure you that will not be a problem," John retorted, shaking his head, wearily. "You cannot shake her, can you?"

"The babe has red tufts of hair coming in," Jamie said. "Perhaps she marrit ye out of shame, but it is my shame to bear, not hers."

John shook his head again, "She told me ages ago that the baby was yours, Jamie. There is no shame betwixt Eleanor and myself."

"She told ye that?" Jamie looked angry. "She told me that she had no way of knowing."

"Of course she did," John said, "What would you expect her to say? Murtagh knew as well. Hope is yours as much as Mac is or Sam or Rosie or Willie for that matter. But like Willie, she must never know that she is yours. We can explain away the rest, but not Hope. And if you have ever loved this woman as you say that you do, you will never approach her about Hope's paternity. And for God's sake, do not tell her I told you."

"Of course, I will not," Jamie said, his anger turning to weariness. "but that is an awful weight to drop on yer wedding night." He paused, "I cannot say I did not deserve it though. I was beastly just now."

John's face softened, "Allow her to try to be happy. I cannot give her you, but I will make sure she wants for nothing, physically or emotionally."

Jamie nodded and then said in a low voice, "In Eleanor's time, women married fer love. They could have relations with men outside the marriage bed, but Eleanor's faith kept her pure until she was marrit. She sees it as special. She cares for ye, John. If she feels that she will never be able to provide ye what ye have a right to beyond obligation, she will rather shrink away then to disappoint. She kens well that she is working against what yer inclinations are to begin with. She kens she canna truly please ye in this area. It must be weighing on her if she is anxious."

"Then, I will do my best to dispel her anxiety."

"She is not like Lady Isobel...she will come around...if ye wish her to. And maybe that is what she is worrit aboot. She dinnae wish to force ye into something ye dinnae want."

"Of course, she has not coerced me into anything," John said. "Why would she think that?"

Jamie shrugged. "Eleanor overthinks thing in that bonny wee heid of hers. Always has...and I believe she always will."

"I just hate to see her so anxious."

"Eleanor spends her life anxious," Jamie countered. "Ye best get used to it."

"Then I will endeavor to soothe her whenever needed."

"Of course, I never thought otherwise," Jamie said, "I'm sorry fer..."

"Think nothing of it," John said. "We are all human here and it has been a long day."

"Brandy not whisky," Jamie reached for the whisky, "I will take this fer myself and Claire if ye dinnae mind."

"Help yourself," John said.

Jamie reached for the tumblers. "If ye wanted to have a marriage of convenience, Eleanor might be up for that."

"I can be authentic with Eleanor and still have a proper marriage. She deserves the best of me."

"And ye of her. Dinnae forget that," Jamie said. "Remember, what ye told me all those years ago?"

John gave a small smile, "I remember. I thought if I had that mutual give and take, that things could be different, bearable."

Jamie nodded and turned to leave, but stopped when John called out.

"What did make you change your mind, Jamie? About granting your blessing? i never did ask."

Jamie turned back, "I heard her laugh again...with ye. Do ye remember what ye said about her laugh?"

John gave a small smile, "That it could heal the most weary of souls."

"She did not laugh anymore since Claire came back. Now like she did before. And I ken in that moment, that she and ye...there was somethin special there too." Jamie teared, "I dinnae think..." his voice cracked, "I dinnae think that I could stand in her way...even with the bairns to consider."

"I will treasure her, Jamie," John said. "In spite of everything...I will treasure her for the gift I know she is. I swear to you on my honor as a gentlemen."

"I dinnae think otherwise." Jamie stepped towards him, "Go and let her bury her head in yer chest. Let her tell ye what is vexing her. And she'll be weel. Ye will too for that matter." He went and left without another word.

* * *

"You have not changed," John chided when he entered back into the room. Eleanor was still on the settee, leaning over, her elbows on her knees, her hands covering her face.

"I managed stockings," Eleanor offered.

"I suppose that is something," John studied her, "You look worse than when I left you. Won't you tell me what is wrong?"

Eleanor straightened and looked at him, her look tortured.

"I coerced you into marrying me," Eleanor began to cry. "You deserve someone who can make you happy and I cannot."

"Eleanor, my darling," John put the decanter and tumblers down and went over to sit down and to pull her against him. "Do not be so foolish. I simply do not do anything I do not want to do. And may I remind you that all of this was my idea from the start?"

"I feel like I have been completely selfish."

"Selfish in the fact that you are helping me to raise my son? Selfish in the fact that I am need of a wife. It is so bothersome for me to be the most eligible bachelor in these parts. You have spared me from much grief, Eleanor, let me assure you.

"But I care enough about you to know that you will never look on me..." she paused, "I do care for you. You are such a good friend to me. I want you happy."

"As do I for you," John said, calmly. "I care for you, Eleanor. Am I attracted to you?" he pulled her away and lifted her chin, "I am drawn to you in so many other ways. And this is not disagreeable to me."

"We can have a marriage of convenience and you can stray, John. I will not judge you."

"Good God in heaven, woman," John titled his head, disapprovingly, "what has compelled to bring this up after the fact?"

"_Guilt._"

"Very well, let's discuss this rationally," John said, his voice calm. "But you will hold my hand as we do."

Eleanor nodded and John reached for her hand. He ignored her trembling, but kissed her hand and then held it on his knee.

"Now then, my dear. What would be the terms of our arrangement?"

"You can do whatever you wish."

"And you?"

Eleanor shrugged, "This isn't about me."

"If it is an agreement...indeed, a marriage betwix two people, then it would suffice to say that it is very much about both interested parties. Would you not agree?"

"Yes," Eleanor looked distressed. "Of course."

"Your terms then?" John pressed.

"You provide some steadiness and security for the children...be their stepfather, like you are for Willie."

"Of course, that goes without saying," John said. "I was asking specifically about you. What would be _your_ benefit in this arrangement?"

"Is it not enough for it to be about the children? Why do I matter?"

"Because I entered this union for _you_..." John countered.

"Not for Jamie?" Eleanor's voice caught.

"No," John said, firmly, "So, I am determined that you will be equally considered in any arrangement we seek to be arranged. Will you stray in this agreement?" he asked, evenly. "Take on a lover perhaps?"

She looked at him, incredulously, "There are five children that are under our care. How on earth would I take on a lover?"

"Far too easily," John said. "You are a beautiful woman, Eleanor, with an interesting disposition. Given the right circumstances, which we could arrange, it would be not so far removed a possibility as you think at this moment." He paused, "it happens often."

"Apparently," Eleanor raised her eyebrows, "I know this sounds hypocritical given the child sleeping in the other room, but I just cannot fathom that, John. That time with Jamie has tortured me...to do that as just a regular thing one does...it's not me and I cannot lose who I am...what I believe to be fair and just."

"And yet, you offer it to me?" John chided, gently.

"I will not judge _you_ though..." She said, softly.

"It's not about that," John said. "I desire to be fair and just as well...to you. You have spent far too long putting others needs ahead of your own. If you cannot fathom that possibility, then there is no deal to be made," he said.

She paused, letting the weight of his words, sink in. She swallowing hard, "I'm sorry, John."

"For what?" he squeezed her hand.

"For not being the steady one at the moment. For being afraid...and using my fear to draw away. I'm afraid it is something I do often."

"You do not have to apologize to me for being afraid, Eleanor. Nor do you have to be the steady one for us. I know my own mind and my own heart. I know what I am capable of and what I am not. Isobel never gave me a chance. I tried. God, I did. It wasn't my choice- not to produce in heir."

"I did not realize you wanted it so."

"Yes, I did," John said. "What are you afraid of?" his thumb rubbed her hand.

She swallowed hard. "I do not want to disappoint you. I care very much for your good opinion of me. And I want to give you everything you need from me and I do not know if I am enough for you."

He smiled at her, "Thank you for telling me that. I must confess," his voice was gentle, "I am afeared that I am not enough for _you._"

"Thank you for telling me that," She paused. "May I ask a question?"

"Of course, you may..."

"A delicate for this time one?" Eleanor pressed. "It will seem improper," she warned.

"Go ahead," John said, with a nod. "I will not be offended, darling."

She let out her breath. "Did you and Isobel..." she paused, "Were you intimate?"

"Yes, a few times...but Isobel found it..." John paused, "not to her liking."

"Yes, it can be..." Eleanor glanced at him, "more of a duty at times," she admitted. "And there is nothing I can imagine that makes you feel so..." she paused, "vulnerable. It can be frightening at first, especially if you are not prepared as I imagine she was not."

"I do not think she was," John said, his eyes far off, his hand still in Eleanor's.

"But then...when you connect with your partner in those deep ways...what I had with Will...and with..." she paused, trying to gather her emotions, which were splayed so openly across her face.

He looked at her gently, "And with Jamie," he prompted, his voice was tender.

"Yes, with Jamie, especially with Jamie," Eleanor said, "but even with him, I did not like it at first, but he persisted with me. And we found something...incredible." She paused, "the thing is...it wasn't always perfect, having children put a damper on things at times, but even in its imperfection, it was the way we could always return to each other... " She swallowed down the lump in her throat.

"She did not give us a chance for it to improve. And since she was so opposed to it, I did not wish to force her. I couldn't do that..." John shook his head.

"Did she know about..." Eleanor paused, trying to be delicate. "the truth of the matter?"

John shook his head swiftly, "No, I could never tell her that. She would have been horrified."

Eleanor's squeezed John's hand. "I truly wish you could have what I have seen...in my time."

"I know you do and it means so much for you to say that, my dear," John said, his voice gentle, "But I cannot dwell on that. I must move forward. This is what society...indeed the law, dictates. I think I can be happy...as your husband and you as my wife. The one I want...and the one you want for that matter, we can both never have him...so, anybody else...male or female...would be settling."

"So why not settle with a friend even if she is a woman?" Eleanor asked, wryly.

"Something like that," John mumbled, "But I do have to say it sounded better in my head."

She laughed, "I know what you mean though. We do not have to though, John. We can have a marriage in name only. I will not complain. At least then you can have satisfaction in some area of your life."

"But..." he titled his head, challenging, "Wouldn't you say there is more to life than carnal love? There is the love of..."

"Kindred spirits?" Eleanor offered, smiling.

"Yes, indeed. And I believe we are...from the moment we met, I felt it."

She smiled. "So, what are we to do?" Eleanor said.

"What do you wish?"

She swallowed hard, "I don't know...in situations like this...who is to know what is right?"

"Perhaps..." John swallowed hard, "in order to conform to the law...at least this once."

"Then, Lord John, are you falling into the same trap as you did with Lady Isobel?" Eleanor asked him gently.

"I see how this marriage will work," John kissed her hand, "you ask very hard questions, my dear..."

"As you do of me," Eleanor retorted. "And I need that from you."

He nodded squeezing her hand once more and then dropped it.

"May we try to forge a way?" John said, his eyes on her, "Even to prove to myself that I can...that I was not the one who failed my marriage...and I will not be the one to fail this one. I cannot bear it a second time, Eleanor. I must try. Will you let me? Will you not try with me?"

Eleanor nodded, twining her hands together. "Okay," she said, nodding seriously.

John looked at her, frowning.

"What's the matter?" Eleanor asked, alarmed. "What did I do?"

"Say very well, Eleanor, not okay. Jamie should have broken you of that habit, years ago. It puts you so out of place."

She blushed, "it's only when I am nervous...like I am now...that I revert to my twenty first century speak," Eleanor admitted. "I will be more discreet when amongst others. I promise."

"Very well," John nodded. He stood. "Will you not come to bed, Eleanor?" the hand he offered did not tremble and he was the very essence of steady in his nature.

She took a breath, took his hand and stood. "I know you must think I to be ridiculous as I have been married thrice before but I am nervous."

John pulled her into him and lifted her chin. "I admit to being surprised, but then I remembered, you were thrust into two of those marriages."

"And I was a virgin with Will," Eleanor said. "So that was the epitome of nerve wracking. I was so very innocent."

"Was that unusual in your time?"

"I wanted to wait...until I was married."

He smiled at her, "You are very sweet, Eleanor. Do you wish to take your hair down?"

She nodded and John handed her the box for her hair pins, his fingers brushing against hers as she did.

"Go on then," he prompted.

She gracefully moved to the dressing table. She carefully took down her hair as John watched her, him taking off his waist coat and lying it across the chair.

He cleared his throat as he undid his vest. "How _was_ your first time?"

She looked at him in the dressing mirror, "Interesting."

He chuckled, pulling off his vest. "That was quite diplomatic."

She took another layer down and tossed the pin into the box, "Learning about love from a book is different than experiencing it and how everything...works." She released another layer.

"Indeed," he pulled out his shirt from his breeches and went to unbuckled and shrug them off along with his stockings.

"We were both inexperienced so it was a while before we worked everything out." She took out the last pin, releasing it.

He beckoned to her, "Come, dear. I'll help you with your dress."

She walked over to him.

"Turn around," he told her. She hesitated.

"What's wrong?" he asked, lightly.

She bit her lip, "Nothing." She turned around.

"Does not seem that way," John countered. He began to undo her buttons. "And your first time with Jamie? How was that?"

"Miserable," she retorted, bluntly.

John laughed, "That was far less diplomatic, my dear."

"He was a bear that night," Eleanor said. "He felt guilty over betraying Claire and he just wanted it over with. I have never known Jamie anything but honorable, but that night, he wasn't himself. He felt bad over it, I think he spent the next six months of our marriage apologizing. He would be horrified to know I am telling you this."

"I won't ever tell," John assured her as he pulled her dress over her shoulders, it dropping to the floor. "Oh great God in heaven," he murmured, as his fingers ran across her corset. "that is confounding."

Eleanor laughed at his reaction, her laughter, lightening the mood, considerably, "Imagine when I first had to wear it. That was such an adjustment. We don't have those bloody awful things where I come from."

"You poor dear," he said, "I did not realize that it was so constricting." He began to unlace them, loosening the corset and Eleanor was able to exhale fully for the first time that day.

Her shift billowed out as he laid the corset on a chair. "Is that better?" he murmured as he moved her hair to the side and kissed her neck, softly.

"Yes. Much."

He gripped her hips to turn her around, but she wiggled away from his grasp.

"I just...I have to know something else," Eleanor's face flamed. "Before we go any further..."

"Do you need not to look at me when you ask?" John asked.

"Yes. Perhaps that would be best."

"Very well, but I am not letting you draw too far away from me," he wrapped his arm around her waist and drew her against him, "There. Now, what do you wish to know?" He kissed her shoulder through the shift, trying to comfort her.

"You have...I mean...seen...I won't be the first..."

"First?" John asked, curiously.

"First woman that you have seen naked, right? Like in real life, not in books?" Eleanor asked, "Because...I...I really don't think I should be the first one...I don't want you to judge your experience with women or whether you find them pleasing as well based on me..."

John struggled not to laugh. He coughed, instead.

Eleanor paused, "Are you trying not to laugh at me?" she grunted.

"I'm sorry, Eleanor," John struggled to respond. "It's just...how would you suppose we could remedy this if it was so?"

"So, is that a yes? Or a no?"

"It's a...I'm not sure I want to answer you one way or the other," John retorted, "Just turn around so I can talk to you, please."

She turned around and gave him a scowl which caused him to chuckle more.

"Now then," he struggled to sober, his hands moving to gently rest on her shoulders, "I do not think it would sway my opinion one way or another...not that it truly matters, considering you are now the only person I will be with for the whole of my life unless you perish first..."

"Oh God, help me. Six children, John. Six. And I am almost forty. I'm frumpy and there are so many women who are more physically pleasing than I so...if you were ever confused with whether you were attracted to both men and women...I should not _ever_ want to be the determining factor."

"Great God in heaven, when you finally do work up to speaking your mind, you certainly are blunt, are you not?" he asked, amused.

"Well, yes," Eleanor said, "one of my finer qualities..."

"Indeed," John leaned to kiss her forehead. "I did not realize you were so sensitive about all of that," John said. "You never struck me as one prone to vanity."

"Jamie had to...well, I could just tell him how I felt, when I felt that way...unattractive or fat or wrinkled or the fact my hair is getting grey...we had that relationship where I could be authentic with him and he would love me anyway. I was myself with him. He would tease me a bit, but if I was truly distressed, then he would take great pains to be reassuring."

"I wish that for us as well," John gently dropped his hands and stepped away from her. He went to pour her a glass of brandy. "Come and sit on the bed with me and have some brandy. We can talk some more about this. Do you want your nightgown? Would that make you more comfortable?"

She turned around and went to sit on the bed, which was already turned over for them.

"That's thoughtful, but no, I do not think it would make a difference. Oh, God," she let out a long breath, putting a hand to her flushed cheek, trying to rub down the heat. "Now I am mortified."

"Good Lord, you are a handful," John said. He climbed up on the bed with her, "Don't be embarrassed."

"But I am."

"And I am asking you not to be," He handed her the glass. "Drink it, Eleanor," he said, drinking his own.

"You find me amusing."

"Endlessly diverting, but that is not a new development," John retorted, "Have your drink, Lady John. It will make you feel better."

She began to drink the warm liquid, allowing it to soothe her. "Are you going to call me that often?"

"I think I will," John took another sip, "So we both can become accustomed to hearing it."

"I don't dislike it," Eleanor admitted.

"I'm glad," John smiled at her, "Tell me about your relationship with Mr. Fitzgibbons."

"Oh..." Eleanor let out her breath. "I don't know how to describe it."

"You do not have to divulge any information you do not wish to. I'm just trying to gather a portrait...from your perspective. I wish to understand you better so I can put you at ease tonight, but if it is too private, then of course, just tell me that."

"No, I don't mind," Eleanor said, looking at the amber colored liquid. "Maybe it would help to talk about it."

"When you are ready then," John said, reaching out to rub her knee through her shift. It was a comforting gesture, but he had taken great care all this time to make sure he used his touch to put her at ease.

"Well," Eleanor took another sip, "He was kind. I didn't deserve it."

"I am sure you did."

"No, I was a mess. My heart was so broken and he tried to help me pick up the pieces. He was surly, but never with me. There was a softness that came out. But then the children being taken. And he was Jamie's godfather, so there were times that I would be angry, he would have to literally force me into harmony with the others."

"With Jamie?"

"Yes, with Jamie. I know he thought he was doing what we best...for our family...but...in those times, it would put a strain on our own relationship. He was also so much older than me...I struggled with...being his wife. It was uncomfortable- I still felt married to Jamie and with Rosie being so young..."

She twirled the liquid around in her drink, staring at it.

"Did he force you to fulfill your marital duties?"

"Yes, while at Lallybroch, before the children were taken..." Eleanor let out her breath.

"Did he harm you?" John asked, his eyes studying her carefully.

"No, no, not like that," she said, quickly, looking back at him. "Things were...difficult...between us, but it wasn't entirely his fault...he tried. Jamie and I even had problems after Rosie's birth...it was my fault."

"Is that so?" John frowned, perturbed. "I wouldn't have thought..."

"Childbirth is a strain on a woman's body...I mean you saw...Hope's birth..."

"Ah, yes, I did," John reached to rub her face. "I don't think I'll ever forget that. Do you have concerns about tonight in that regard? You can tell me if you do." His fingers lightly tapped against her cheek.

She shook her head. "I feel fine...I mean...I think it should be...given certain arrangements..." she paused, taking another sip. "I'll tell you if it is not though."

"I should hope so," John declared.

"I just think he kept thinking it would get better...that I would get out of my head...like I would feel married eventually...so he tried to push us through. But other times, he gave me more grace than I deserved...especially after the children were taken. It is how I know Hope is Jamie's. If I could have just allowed myself to...I don't know...I was so in my head all the time. I have so much guilt, John. He deserved better than me."

John took her glass and put both of them onto the nightstand. "Would you permit me to hold you?" he asked.

She nodded and he moved closer and pulled her into his arms.

"None of this is your fault, Eleanor," he said, his voice low. "The children. Mr. Fitzgibbons. Hope. You cannot take the blame on all of your shoulders. We must all bear it together."

"You have no burden to bear."

John tightened his grip, "I am your husband now. I wish to bear the burden with you."

She buried her head in his chest, rubbing her head against his shirt. "I can't stop wanting him. It's like I see him and my heart tears in two."

"I know," John whispered, his voice strained.

"Did you notice Hope's hair?" she raised her head, "I had to come up with some stupid story about a grandmother with red hair."

"Regardless, she is...and always will be... well loved by everyone," John said, his hand on her face. "Nothing will change that."

She struggled not to cry at his sweet words. "Tell me what you wish."

He pulled her back into his embrace and wrapped her tightly in her arms. "Knowing what you have just said about Mr. Fitzgibbons, I want to make this clear to you, Ellie."

"What is that?" she sniffled.

"I will never force you to this. I did not force Isobel to my bed and I honor you as I did her. But...you can be yourself with me. You can speak your mind and you can be vulnerable. I will not...break our trust. I will leave it up to you to decide what kind of marriage you want."

She closed her eyes tightly. "You have become such a trusted friend, did you know that? My world feel so topsy turvy all the time and I look to you...and it steadies again."

"I'm glad for it," John's voice was hoarse. "Truly, honored with your trust, Eleanor...I always have been, even when I should not have been. In fact, there were times that I felt more closeness with you...my friend's wife, then with my own..."

"Truly?" She lifted her head to look at him, pulling away so she could see him.

"Yes, you are the only woman that can simultaneously invoke such frustration and tenderness towards...you get stubborn about things and I want to throttle your neck and then others, I am drawn to want to hold you close and make your world right again. It is a confounding sensation...especially for a man like I."

She looked him in the eyes for a few minutes, studying him.

He returned her gaze, searching her as well. "What is it?" he finally asked.

"Just..." she chewed on her lip.

"Go on," his voice was so kind.

"Just don't be repulsed by me," The words rushed out and in that moment John understood what she feared. His heart lurched for her. She had given to Jamie her heart and he had stomped on it...unavoidable, but now she was very much at his mercy. And given what she knew about him and where his heart laid, she was afraid.

"Repulsed by you? Is that what you fear?" John put both of his hands on her face, cradling it. When she nodded, he continued, "I am not repulsed by women, dearest. More indifferent...but regardless, I can assure you are the last woman on this Earth that I would ever consider repulsive. In fact, I am not indifferent towards you at all. I care for you more than I understand possible. I would never want you to feel anything but special...because you are, Eleanor. More than you know."

She swallowed hard. "What do you need me to do tonight...to make things better for you? I will do whatever you wish."

"I'm not sure," John rubbed her cheek with his thumb, "But we are both quite capable individuals so I am certain we will figure it out together."

"I'm scared you will hate it."

"Oh my dearest," he kissed her gently. "Do not fear so. Let's just sit here for a few moments together."

She nodded. "I'd like that."

He looked at her for the longest time, his eyes on her, them both needing the quiet comfort of each others company. And then he went to kiss her again and reached for the tie of her shift as he did.

"Are you finding your courage, my Lord?" Eleanor gave him a small smile.

"Are you finding yours?" John countered. He gestured to his shirt and she moved to sit on her knees, her shift falling to pool around them. He offered his hand and she leaned up so he could move it out of the way.

"Don't look at me," Eleanor said, her face flaming. "Maybe we should snuff out the lights."

"I don't wish to snuff them out," John said, his voice calming. "Don't be embarrassed. I think you are the loveliest woman I have ever seen."

She snorted before she could help it, "That settles it then. I'm the _only_ woman you have ever seen."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" John quipped. "You are neglecting your duty, Lady John. Go on."

She sat up further on her knees to slide fingers to the hem of his long shirt, her eyes never leaving his.

He gestured with his head and then smiled at her, a reassuring grin. She laughed. "Arms up."

He lifted his arms up and she pulled it over him, before tossing it to the end of the bed. "Duty fulfilled. May we go to sleep now?"

He chuckled at her, "There is the Eleanor I am accustomed to...and no, not yet," he raised an eyebrow.

"Oh very well," she ran her fingers against his chest and then paused, looking at his scars. "John. What in the world?"

"Battle wounds."

"Solicitors or Ministers," she raised an eyebrow. "What the hell is so bloody wrong with that?"

"Dreadful fate indeed," John said. "And do watch your language, my lady," he swatted at her hip.

She giggled and he pounced on her, pushing her down onto his pillow.

"Do you find that funny?"

"Hilarious."

He flipped her over to her side facing away from him and pulled her against him. He reached for the covers, pulling them up to keep her warm from the chill of the air.

"Let's accustom ourselves to each other," he said in her ear. "we don't have to rush things."

"Hum," Eleanor tried to get comfortable but was well aware to both their state of undress.

He leaned to stroke her hair with his other hand, his movement soothing, "Try to calm yourself. It is just I."

She attempted to relax herself. She reached for his other hand, wrapping it around her waist so she could hold it in hers. "I would think you would want to get it over and done with."

"Not unless you wish to," John said, his breath on her neck.

She let out her breath, "It would be easier if we both disengage."

"I don't believe that to be the case," he told her, rubbing the top of her head. "When I talked about forging a way, I did not mean, make it a chore for either of us. I meant making sure it wouldn't be..."

She swallowed hard, "I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"Why?" he asked, lightly.

"I guess...I just feel vulnerable now."

"I know," John said, "which is why we are lying like this...until you...and I frankly...feel more certain."

She turned her head. "Are you scared of me?"

He gave her a small smile, "Only sometimes," he said, dryly. "Mostly when your dreadful temper pops out."

She laughed. He smoothed down her hair. "Did you always have your hair long? Even before you came?"

She smiled. "No, I would actually keep it shorter. So much more manageable that way."

"What do you miss about before?"

"Besides the children?"

"Do you think of them often?"

"Every day," Eleanor let out her breath. "They would be so much older now. It was hard at first when Mac was born. It brought up so many memories of Harry and Charlotte."

"What were they like?"

"They had dreadful tempers."

"Like their mama," John laughed.

"It was probably just their ages. Now that Sam is three, I see the tantrums and my mind is taken back. And every time Mac kisses me and throws his arm around my neck. He is so affectionate, just the way Harry was." Eleanor let out her breath, "It never leaves you. The pain just becomes more dull."

"My dear," John murmured. "I did not realize fully. You don't mention it."

Eleanor squeezed his hand, "Jamie and I would often talk through it when I felt that way. He seemed to sense it."

"Hum..."He continued to stroke her hair, "What do you miss besides the children..."

"Hot shower, running water..." she turned her head to look at him. "Air conditioning. It would keep your house cool during the hot summer days. I longed for it, especially pregnant in Jamaica. Good Lord."

John smiled. "We'll have to go to Fraser's Ridge when it gets too hot."

"indeed," She studied her ring. "I don't think I thanked you for the ring. It is lovely."

He pulled her hand up to kiss it. "You are most welcome."

He leaned to kiss her ear and then whispered, "I want to make you happy is so many ways. Will you allow me to try to?"

She cleared her throat, "Yes."

He pulled her even more tightly against him and then began to kiss down her neck.

* * *

Eleanor chewed her thumb as she leaned against the headboard. She glanced at him and then away.

John leaned up on his elbows. "Sometimes when you get quiet," he said. "It is bloody disconcerting."

"I was just thinking I should maybe go back to my own room."

He sat up then. "Why?"

"Isn't that what wives do in this century?" She reached for her dressing gown but his reflexes were quick, grabbing her wrist.

"Wives do what their husbands wish in this century," John retorted, "And I wish for you to stay...Isn't that what you are accustomed to?"

"I just don't want you to feel put upon," Eleanor said, softly. "Since that is not what you are accustomed to."

He patted the pillow, "Lie down. You must be shattered. I do not feel imposed upon."

"Are you certain?"

"I would feel far worse if I allowed you to leave," John said. "Like I used you and dismissed you." He frowned at her, "How did you phrase it before? You are getting inside your head."

She gave him a small smile. "Yes."

"You are feeling vulnerable."

She nodded, not trusting her voice to speak.

"Come," John gestured his head and opened his arms. "You are too far from me."

She scooted across the bed and into his open arms. He adjusted the blanket over her shoulder to cover her. "Now," he kissed her head. "Is that better?"

She nodded, resting her head against him, reflecting on the past hour.

She didn't know quite what to think of it all. She had expected different, more of a chore on both their parts. But it was not that way with him. After he made sure she was relaxed being in his presence, he had in true Lord John fashion, taken command of the situation. Not in a dominating kind of way, but in the way she was most accustomed to with him- sensing what was right and following through. He took great pains to communicate with her, expecting her to do the same. He wouldn't allow her disengage. There were moments, he sensed she was and he would in his very gentle Lord John way, call her out with it and stop until she felt more secure. He seemed genuinely interested in exploring this all with her. It wasn't quite the lie back and think of England type of night that she expected.

He stroked her arm, them resting against each other, "Did I...Eleanor, I must know. Did I do something wrong?"

She turned her head towards him, "Of course not. Why would you say such a thing?."

"But you didn't..." he paused.

She reached her his hand, twining it in his, "That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I did like it."

He paused and thought for a few minutes, "Are you worried that I did not?"

She laid her ear against his chest, feeling it beat. "Yes, of course."

He patted her bum, firmly. "Stop worrying about me, dearest."

"That wasn't an answer."

He paused, "I didn't dislike it, Ellie."

She let out her breath. "Okay."

"Truth be told, there were moments I found confounding."

She yawned, "I'm not sure what that means. What kind of moments?"

"You need to go to sleep, but we will talk more. No, no, you mustn't draw away, sweetheart," he murmured when she attempted to pull away to her own side of the bed. "Not feeling the way you do. Stay right where you are. Close your eyes and rest. It's been such a full day."

She fell asleep, still wrapped in his arms.

* * *

Eleanor put her dressing gown around her, tying it tightly, when she heard the cries coming from down the hall. At first, she thought it was Hope, but she was sound asleep. She went in search for the upset child. Jamie had Rose in his arms, trying to calm the distraught child.

"Is it another nightmare?" Eleanor asked, kneeling down the spot where Jamie was holding her on the floor, wrapped up in his arms. "It had gotten better."

"I dinnae ken," Jamie said, "Maybe the traveling...the new room." He spoke Gaelic to Rose, low soothing tones.

"Rose, sweetheart," Eleanor winced and reached out to rub her back."I don't even think she is fully awake."

"Nah, she isna," Jamie retorted. "A bad dream, perhaps?"

"Maybe she would be better sharing a room with Hope," Eleanor said. "At least she would have another child in the room."

Jamie shrugged."The poor lass has seen so much."

"God help us, Jamie. Where did everything go so wrong?"

"I dinnae ken," Jamie let out a long breath.

"I can take her into bed with me," Eleanor said. "Maybe she is cold."

"It's yer wedding night," Jamie retorted.

"I can take her into my room. She is less loud now, I do not think she will wake Hope."

"No, ye canna on yer wedding night," Jamie frowned.

"John will understand."

"Aye, but," Jamie shook his head, "Tis not right. I'll take her into bed with me. Claire is used to it." He glanced at her flushed face. "Before I do, I need to ken ye are well, Eleanor."

"John was your friend before mine. Do you truly think he is capable of being anything but kind and gentle as a lover?

"I dinnae doubt it...still I am asking if ye are alright...in spite of the kind and gentle part," Jamie said, wryly.

"You weren't this concerned with Murtagh," Eleanor said, still rubbing Rose's back.

"Oh, I was," Jamie said, "I was out of mind with worry about ye. And I asked Jenny to check on ye because ye still wouldna talk to me."

Eleanor gave a small smile. "I am well, Jamie."

"Verra gut," Jamie said, letting out a long breath. "I will take Rose with me. Ye need to go back to yer husband. But wait a few minutes so we dinna stir gossip."

She nodded and did as he said. She very quietly crawled back into bed and John stirred.

"What is it?" he turned on his side towards her.

"I'm sorry, it was Rose. She had another nightmare."

"Again?" John frowned. "the poor child. I thought it had gotten better."

"I think it is just another adjustment," Eleanor let our a breath. "Jamie took her to his room."

John reached out to brush her hair away from her face. "Did you see Jamie?"

"Yes, he was trying to comfort her."

"Are you well? Seeing Jamie after what we did tonight?"

"He asked me the same thing. He wanted to make sure I was okay."

"_Well_," John corrected, gently. "And what did you tell him?"

"That he shouldn't doubt your ability to be kind and gentle considering you are his close friend."

"Well played, Lady John," John chuckled. "And his response?"

"He did not doubt you, but still wanted to know if I was... _well_...in spite of the fact he was sure you were kind and gentle."

"And what did you tell him?"

"I told him I was well."

John fingered her cheek. "And was that the truth?"

She nodded. He reached for the tie of her dressing gown, pulling her by it, yanking her closer to him. "And if I was to say that I wanted to explore further these ways between us...that we do not stop until you find your pleasure, what say you?"

Eleanor's heart beat fast, "I'd ask you if that is what you truly want."

"At the moment, I could want nothing more than to bring you joy," John said.

"Then," Eleanor swallowed hard, sitting up. "I would say I would welcome it."

John pulled her closer, by the tie. "I have been told there is a way," he fiddled with the tie, undoing it, kissing her neck and then her shoulder. "that women find quite pleasing." He pulled the dressing gown off of her.

"I see. Told by whom?"

"Well..." John titled his head side by side, "Some of my friends. And the prostitute I hired so I would know what I was doing before I married Isobel." He had said it so matter of factually and Eleanor had to stop and recount his words in her mind to make sure she had heard correctly.

Eleanor's eyes widened, "Lord John, you did not." She flopped down on the bed, her head on his pillow and laughed. "Did you really?"

He flopped down next to her, "I did." He grinned at her, "It was quite the education."

"Good Lord," Eleanor poked at him, "I am glad you did not tell me this before. Then I would have been _really_ self conscious. You didn't tell Isobel that, did you?"

"Of course not," John snorted, "I am not an idiot, darling."

"I never thought you were," Eleanor turned on her side towards him.

"I just do not know if you will like it. I was never brave enough with Isobel," He gave her a grin, "You are blushing and I have not even told you."

"So, you better tell me what you mean..." Eleanor said.

He leaned up and nipped at her ear and then whispered into it.

"I see," Eleanor titled her head so she was looking up at him. "That may not be the best for us tonight."

"Why not?" John asked, lightly. "You have done it before."

"Yes."

"And you like it?"

"Yes."

"The issue then?" John asked, frowning.

"It's really intimate...I mean...don't get me wrong...I'm okay...I mean well...at least I think I am..." she bit her lip. "Good Lord. I don't know."

He threw back his head and laughed. "Great God in Heaven, even the anticipation of it, has you babbling incoherently."

"It's been a long time since..." She swallowed hard.

"Then," John kissed her neck again, lifted her arm to kiss down her side. "let's try to remedy that, shall we?"

She swallowed hard. "Are you certain...because...I can imagine it really is only tolerable if you are really into your partner." She shifted, squirming.

"Hum, you don't say," John pinned her hips down. "Stop wiggling, Ellie."

Eleanor shifted her hips more and he looked up from where he was now kissing up her leg. "I'll do it twice," he growled, "I swear to God. Once to prove I can and twice to silence any other bloody objections on my behalf you might have."

"I will literally die if you do it twice in a row."

"I doubt anybody has truly died from it..." John's eye had a twinkle. "If you do, I'd have alot to explain to Jamie about."

Eleanor wiggled some more. "John Grey. For Christ sake. I'm just saying..."

He looked up. "Twice, it is."

"Oh good Lord," Eleanor looked up to the ceiling.

"You must learn to trust my word," John said, his eyes on her. "It's a matter of honor, now." He rubbed her leg, soothingly. "Now stay still, wife of mine. And do try to relax," he said, wryly.

She kicked his leg, hard, causing him to chuckle, before she reached for his other hand, holding it in hers.

* * *

"I need you to do something for me," John said, in her ear, as she cuddled into his side, his arms around her waist. Her back was to him.

"What's that?"

"I cannot make this work for us, Eleanor, if you are constantly telling me how I should think or feel about it...you assume I should be put out by it or dislike it...and I just need you to let me explore how I do think and feel about things. I wish to do that with you...but I cannot, if you keep assuming things. I understand you do that a lot...so I'm asking you not to...be offended...on my behalf. If I say I want to do this...then i want to. It's about trusting my word, my honor, if you cannot...then not only can this not work between us, but our marriage cannot."

She paused and then reached for his hand, kissing it, "I am sorry. I suppose I am learning to trust as well."

"I understand that," John said, quietly. "Have I ever given you reason not to?"

"Never," Eleanor said, squeezing his hand, "I'll try better."

"Glad to hear it," He patted her hip, "Let's try better now."

"Oh good Lord," Eleanor let out her breath. "Really?"

"Are you opposed?" he asked, lightly.

"No," she said, slowly. "Not opposed."

"Good," he patted her hip, "This is so you will know without a shadow of doubt that I am not being put upon."

She turned her head and made a face.

He chuckled at her, "Up you go." He pushed her up. "Steady now." He reached to stabilize her.

"I can only be so steady considering what you have just done to me," Eleanor retorted, causing him to laugh further.

"Stop acting put upon when you very well know you liked it," John raised an eyebrow as he moved down the bed.

"I am not going to get away with much with you, am I?"

"Ah, no," He patted the spot on the bed in front of him, "Sit right here."

She raised an eyebrow, "Has anybody told you that you are completely bossy?"

He laughed, "From time to time." He grabbed her and and pulled her towards him. "Come to me, dearest, I wish to be bossy with you some more."

* * *

"Eleanor, darling," John shook her shoulder. "Hope is crying."

"What time is it?" Eleanor asked.

"Half past 4."

"I don't think I can move," she said, groaning, his fingers gently massaging her back. "How are you so spry?"

"I am used to early hours," John said, "I'll get her for you."

"No, I should go to her..."

"Just let her come in here. If you feed her, you might get a few more hours of sleep."

She nodded and John went over to retrieve Hope and placed her on the bed between them.

Eleanor rolled over and allowed Hope to latch. "I'm surprised she was not up before," Eleanor said, watching the baby feed in the small lamp light.

John reached over Hope to rub her hip, "How are you feeling?"

She looked in his eyes. "Did we just mess everything up between us?"

He gave her a smile. "We just made life more interesting. It would have never done for it to be dull betwix us."

She swallowed hard, putting her hand on tops of his, "Just tell me that we'll be able to figure it out together. That you will be able to find your peace with me."

"I do not doubt it. It may take work," John moved his hand to her face. "but I do not have regrets."

"Famous last words," Eleanor said, wryly and John laughed at her.

**A/N:** So, I know alot of you were frustrated by the break between Jamie and Ellie...so the flash forehead was just a preview of what _could_ come...there is much story in between including stories with the children, but is there hope for them? Hum..._should_ there even be? I tightened the timeline with Bree/Roger's second child and had them choose to go back much earlier (the first time confronted with going back), so clearly this alternate universe story is still very much AU. :) Thoughts?!


	27. Chapter 27

**A/N:** Thank you all who took time to review last chapter, especially ponygirlrunner who did so in the hospital. Hope you are feeling better soon! xx Sorry this chapter has taken so long, but it is a long one!

**Chapter 27:**

"But I want to go ridin with Da and Willie and Mac and Lord John," Sam cried the next afternoon, stomping his foot. "Tis not fair!"

"Aye, it's hard not be old enough, but I canna have ye on a horse yet, lad," Jamie said, his voice calm, but firm. He looked to Eleanor."Will ye be alright with him, lass?"

"Of course, we'll be fine," Eleanor said, her hand on Sam's head, ruffling his hair gently. Sam continued to stop his foot and grunt.

"Do you want me to stay?" Claire frowned at Sam's behavior.

"Of course not," Eleanor shook her head. "Rosie and Hope are both asleep. It's just Sam. I can handle one child."

"I'll go check on the boys then," Claire said, leaving them.

"I want to go, mama! I want to go ridin with them!" Sam cried, distressed.

Eleanor bent down on her knees, trying to balance in her dress, "When you are older," she said firmly, her hand on his shoulder. "Da says you are not old enough and he would know best. He's been around horses all his life, love."

"No!" Sam cried. "No, no, no! Tis not fair! I wanna ride!"

"Samuel, honey," She stood and attempted to pick him up, "We can go watch if you'd like or we can play with your blocks. What do you want to do?"

"I dinna want to do anythin!"" Sam yelled at her and began to kick against her, taking swings at her. "No, no, NO!"

Eleanor glanced at Jamie, whose eyes widened in dismay and then horror that his son would become so physical with her.

"Samuel..." he growled, but Sam was too far gone to notice the shift in Jamie's stance. John had come up behind him just in time to witness Eleanor getting pummeled by kicks and smacks from her son.

"Stop that," Eleanor maneuvered to restrain him, ungracefully sitting down on the floor with him. Her corset jammed into her ribs as a result and she cursed under her breath before she could help it and then winced, hoping Jamie and John did not overhear her, but both men had the grace to ignore it if they did.

"What's the issue here?" John asked, frowning at the scene. He had heard Eleanor's indiscreet slip of tongue, but couldn't say that he blamed her considering what was happening at the moment.

"He wants to go riding with the boys, but Jamie thinks he is not old enough," Eleanor said, struggling to keep hold of him, but be gentle enough not to hurt him. It was so bloody hard to do so in a dress.

"I am too!" Sam wiggled against her, trashing from side to side trying to get free.

"I don't think he is either," John agreed, "And Jamie would be the best one to make that judgement."

"It's made," Jamie said, "there is nothin we can do aboot it and the older lads should be able to ride this afternoon. I ken it is disappointing fer the lad, but there are other things he can do instead of ride."

"Of course," Eleanor said, "but he is only three so of course this is the result."

"Do we punish the other boys because Sam canna accept that he is younger?" Jamie asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't know," Eleanor said, flustered.

"What do you need, Eleanor?" John asked, his brow creased in concern.

"I need for you two to go for your ride. Sam and I will be fine- maybe in about 30 minutes, but he'll calm down."

Jamie looked to John, who cleared his throat. "He cannot be allowed to hit and kick you, Eleanor," John said, quietly. "Even in a state of temper."

"I agree," She shrugged. "That's why I am holding him like this. Different kids respond in different ways when their wills are thwarted, it's psychology" Eleanor retorted and then yelped, "No, Sam," she grunted, popping his bottom, but the action caused his arms to get loose, which is what he wanted but she caught him again. "Oh good Lord." She struggled to restrain him again. "I cannot do this properly in this bloody dress."

"Did ye bite ye?" Jamie asked, stepping over to them to crouch down beside them.

"Yes," Eleanor frowned.

John frowned from the entranceway. "Eleanor..." he struggled to moderate his tone. "Maybe you should hand him over to one of us. There should be consequences to this."

"The consequences can escalate the behavior until he is calmer," Eleanor said, "It's fine," she said, her face flushing. "He's just being a threeager. They are terrors at this age- Harry was the same way. I have experience with this." She looked to Jamie, "Mac and Willie are waiting. Go on."

Jamie looked back at John, seeking his opinion. John shook his head, wearily. Jamie swallowed but straightened, "We will talk aboot this later, lassie. I dinna agree but seein the lads are waiting..."

"Of course," she nodded and then managed to stand with Sam who was still struggling against her. "I am taking him upstairs."

Jamie reached out to put his hand on Sam's face so he was forced to look at him, "Bite yer mama again, Samuel John," he shook his face gently, "and ye will sorely regret it, understand me?" His voice was low and commanding. "I willna ever allow ye to hurt yer mama even in a fit of temper."

Sam scowled and then continued to thrash, but didn't try to bite.

Eleanor took him upstairs and let him go, blocking the door. Sam continued to throw his tantrum, throwing things in his room. When a block nearly hit her, Eleanor tried once more to get him out of his tantrum.

"Fine, you are making your choices," Ellie said, "But I don't have to stay in this room with you."

Eleanor closed him in and then leaned against the other side of the door. "God help me," she murmured, sliding down against the door and burying her head in her knees fighting the tears that was forming. Nothing ever felt as overwhelming as having your child out of control and for nothing to work to bring them back into. She knew she just had to let it extinguish, but she also knew that Jamie didn't think that a proper parenting technique and from John's demeanor earlier, she had a feeling John would be more in agreement with Jamie than her.

Eventually the screaming subsided and the knocks against the door. She waited a few minutes before peeking into the mess, Sam on his bed, asleep. She let out her breath, before leaning over to kiss his head.

"I do love you, little boy, even when I want to throttle you," she whispered, before crawling in bed with him and falling asleep herself for a much needed nap.

* * *

Jamie looked to John after a half an hour of instructing Mac on riding and watching William ride. He was proud of both his sons. William was a natural and skilled equestrian and Mac had taken to riding even after just a few minutes. He also marveled at Mac's gentle way with the horses. But in spite of how much he was enjoying time with both of them, his mind kept wandering to his youngest son and Eleanor.

"What is it, Jamie?" John asked.

"I think I need to look in on Sam," he said, frowning.

"You are worried about him with Eleanor."

"Aye, I am worrit."

"I never saw him that angry," John commented. "Little tantrums, but nothing like that."

"The children will have to get used to things," Claire offered, "It is another change for them- they have been so much. Anger will be natural emotion for them, especially when Jamie and I leave. And Ellie is right- three year olds are the worst."

"Still with four little ones and William, Eleanor surely will need support, especially if this is going to be a common occurrence," John said. "She cannot do all of it herself even if the children were angels...which while they are very dear..."

"They are certainly no angels," Jamie finished his statement, and chuckled appreciatively.

"And the baby consumes much of Eleanor's time," John said. "She needs help."

"Aye, I agree with ye," Jamie nodded, "But ye canna forget, the lass just spent months apart from the wee uns. She willna relinquish control."

"Still, this must be difficult on her," John commented. "Overwhelming for her."

"Aye," Jamie said, "That is why I want to find both of them..." he paused, "unless ye wish to yerself as her husband. As Claire said, we willna always be here."

"I'll talk with her privately later," John said, "But you should go to her if that is what you feel is best. I trust your judgement."

Jamie gave him small smile, "Verra weel. Will ye stay here, Claire, and watch the wee lads with Lord John?"

Claire nodded, putting her hand of Jamie's arm, "Of course. Go take care of Sam."

"Verra gut, thank ye," Jamie nodded.

* * *

Jamie pushed open the door to Sam's room and looked around at the mess strewn about. He shook his head in dismay, but then his gaze moved to the bed and he smiled at the sight of Eleanor curled up beside Sam, her hand on her face. She looked so peaceful, even if she didn't bother to change out of her dress and her hair was starting to fall down from the pins, that he was sure was poking into her scalp. She surely must have been exhausted to fall asleep in spite of it all. And lying next to Sam, he saw the clear resemblance between their youngest son and his former wife, the only one of their wee uns with her dark hair. His eyes watched them for a few moments, his heart filled with emotion- sorrow, love, regret. It would be hard for him to leave the children, but it would also be hard for him to leave their mother. He couldn't help but feel what he did. He allowed himself the luxury of watching them for a few moments, before he began his trek across the messy floor.

She stirred as Jamie walked across the room, his feet thumping even as he tried to keep his walk light.

Eleanor opened her eyes and stretched. "Hey," she whispered.

"Hey is fer horses," Jamie didn't miss a beat as he grinned at her and Eleanor giggled.

"Sh," he chided, whispering, "We canna wake the babe."

He inclined his head and offered his hand, pulling her off the bed, taking care to step over the mess and guiding her into the hallway.

"The wee un needed a rest, then?" he asked, once in the hallway, shutting the door behind him.

"Yes, I think that may have been the reason for his moodiness," Eleanor confirmed walking down the corridor, so she could check on Hope. She planted her ear against the door, struggling to hear sounds. "Can you listen to see if she is awake?" Eleanor asked and Jamie put his ear to the door.

"I dinna hear any sounds," he whispered.

"I wish we had baby monitors," she said, "it made life so much easier."

"Aye, so ye've said" Jamie nodded, "She canna get in much trouble in her crib, lass, even if she does wake."

"That's true," Eleanor nodded. "Not at her age at least."

"Aye," Jamie agreed, "May we talk, mo ghraidh?"

"Of course we may," she nodded, trying to pin back up the stray pieces as they walked.

"I dinna mean to wake ye, ye looked peaceful," Jamie said.

"Yes, I was tired," she said, but then she paused because she didn't want Jamie to suspect the real reason she was tired. Being kept up in the middle of the night was different than simply fulfilling their duty to consummate. "Hope was up and Rosie of course..." she mumbled. "I don't think I've gotten a good night's sleep in ages."

He looked at her, "And ye are a marrit woman." His back stiffened just a bit at the thought.

She bit her lip, "Yes, I am."

"John seems content," Jamie commented as he walked with her down the stairs.

"It's only been twenty four hours," Eleanor responded, dryly.

"Aye, but now that the nervousness of being..." he paused, "first wed has worn off, ye and him will only become more accustomed to each other," He frowned, "I only meant to say that he seems at ease with ye and that is a gut way to start a marriage. I meant to reassure ye."

"No, I know what you meant and I hope he will be," Eleanor nodded, her hand on the banister, "especially after his godson's display."

"He has nephews who are quite active," Jamie sat next to her on the settee in the sitting room. "And what could he expect with my blood and yer blood running through the bairn?"

"I know," she let out her breath. Tears prickled her eyes before she could help herself. She felt defeated this afternoon. It was a feeling she remembered well from her modern life. Motherhood always overwhelmed her.

"What is it, lass?" he asked, his eyes on her, studying her carefully. "Why are ye upset?"

She glanced at him, "I'm not upset."

"Ye canna fool me, Eleanor," he responded, quietly. "Ye ken that weel."

She laughed through her tears, "I do. You always had a sense about when my feelings were going awry."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "What are ye thinking aboot, lass?"

She sniffed hard, "This afternoon, there was nothing I could do to calm him."

"Aye," Jamie said, slowly. "Tis not yer fault though. He was bein a wee bugger for certain."

"You would have handled it differently though."

"Hum," Jamie considered it, "The wee uns respond differently to me. It dinnae mean I could prevent it entirely, ye ken. He was in rare form."

"You have such a presence, Jamie," Eleanor responded. "I feel like such a failure. Like I can't do this without you. Like I'm scared to do this without you. I know you will say it is my fault for marrying John, but..."

"No, I canna put the blame on ye fer separating our family, mo ghraidh. Tis not yer fault." Jamie shook his head, adamantly.

"Claire makes motherhood look easy."

"Ach," Jamie titled his head, "That's silly, lass. Sam dinna have the tantrums he had today. And usually I intervene and she doesna have to do anythin. And she only had Brianna, ye have four wee bairns under yer care. Tis verra different."

"It was only one this afternoon and I botched that up," Eleanor said, "You know I have always been lacking as a mother. Time travel doesn't change that."

"Eleanor, that isna true," Jamie frowned at her.

"We were supposed to do this together," Eleanor let out her breath. "You were supposed to make me a better mother."

"I don't need to make ye a better mother fer ye are a fine one on yer own," Jamie said.

"No, I am not. I felt so overwhelmed," she said. "And frustrated. I just didn't realize until today what it meant to me to raise these children with you by my side, Jamie." Her voice cracked and she quickly stood, knowing if she didn't retreat, she would soon completely lose her composure. "I think I need to go check on the girls."

"Lass," Jamie stood. "I think we need to talk aboot this. Ye canna keep sayin these things and then runnin away."

She shrugged, "What is there to talk about? I'm not your wife anymore. You don't have to do this with me any more..."

"Do what?"

"Make me feel better..." The tears spilled over, "We have to stop Jamie. We are both married to other people. We have to withdraw from each other. Stop caring."

"I canna help but want to make ye feel better, lass," Jamie reached out to touch her arm. "When ye are discontent, when ye are hurtin, it pierces me to my core. That willna change- my care fer ye. Nothin can change that."

She swallowed hard, "I really do think I need to check on Hope."

"Lass.."

"I'm sorry, Jamie," Eleanor fled upstairs, without a look back.

* * *

"Where is Eleanor?" John asked, coming into the room, a few minutes later.

"She went upstairs to check on the lasses," Jamie said.

John inclined his head and studied him, "What happened?"

Jamie stood, "Ye will have to ask yer wife."

"I'm asking you, as my friend," John said, evenly.

"I think Eleanor is angry about having to parent the bairns without me," Jamie said, looking perturbed. "I dinna expect that, but Sam's tantrum this afternoon upset her."

"I see," John folded his hands, "I do not think that to be wholly unexpected, do you?"

"She had the choice to stay at Fraser's Ridge."

"What kind of choice was that?" John asked, his voice light, "Did you even consult her about living in the colonies?"

"I dinna think she would mind."

"My God, Jamie," John said, aghast, "She has told you of her life before. The comforts that she had in her time. She was never particularly enjoyed...what did she call it?"

"Camping," Jamie chuckled at the thought.

"Yes, camping...the outdoors. Did you really thought that she would want to live in the wilds of the Carolinas?

"Claire dinna seem to mind. I dinna think much of it."

"And there it is," John said, "The precise reason Eleanor decided to step aside and no wonder with those types of comments," he shook his head, wearily. "Did you prepare her for that type of life? Teach her how to shoot? How to defend herself in case you were not nearby?"

"I ken she is far more suited to being yer wife," Jamie retorted, his voice tense.

"I wouldn't say that," John said, keeping care to keep his tone moderate, "I do not particularly think she will enjoy the society obligations that come along with it. Eleanor would much rather be at home, curled up by the fire with a book in her hand or in the company of a close friend."

"Aye," Jamie gave a small smile, "Tis so."

"All I am saying is that you cannot fault her for being who she is. And she must be overwhelmed with all that is changing. Surely, you can understand that."

"Of course I can," Jamie retorted. "And I tried to talk to her aboot Sam's tantrum, but she said she dinna want to talk to me aboot it. That its not my duty to soothe her any longer."

"That is because she is afraid of the closeness you still share," John said, bluntly. "She betrayed a marriage once, I do not think she wishes to do so again."

Jamie stilled. "I wouldna betray Claire."

"You are missing my point," John said, "There is more than one way to betray your partner."

He was quiet for a few minutes before saying, "Aye, I ken yer meaning."

"She must become accustomed to relying on me instead of you," John's voice was gentle. "For all of our sakes. That change will be an adjustment for both of you. Distance will help with that some."

"I think she already relies on ye," Jamie retorted. "That much has been made quite clear."

"Only when she is at odds with you," John said, dryly. He paused, "What is Claire's perspective in all of this?"

Jamie swallowed hard, "She kens that Ellie and I are drawn to each other."

"She just feels that the pull she has on you is stronger," John said, with raised eyebrows. "Is that true?"

"I dinna ken. She dinnae say her thoughts on it. She is careful in that because she kens Eleanor has been the one wronged in this, but I canna say she wasna relieved to ken that Ellie would be well situated away from me..."

"Even if it meant your children would be too?" John shook his head, wearily, "What a predicament, Jamie."

Jamie looked around, "Speaking of Ellie..."

"What is it now?" John asked, growing more perturbed at his friend.

"She willna say to ye...but the slaves bother her..."

"I know that, Jamie," John said, "I realized the moment she arrived here...I even noticed her discomfort with it in Jamaica, though I didn't understand why at the time. Even if I wanted to free them, I cannot. It is Isobel's estate that I am managing on William's behalf. I cannot make unsound decisions because of it."

"I ken that," Jamie said. "And she does too. It is why she is not saying much to ye."

"Has she has talked to you?" John asked, his voice low.

"When we were at Fraser's Ridge..." Jamie admitted.

"Well, I didn't think there had been much time since our vows to do so," John shook his head, wearily, "I understand she is upset by it. This is why I arranged for Susanna to be brought here because I knew she had formed a rapport with her, especially after Hope's birth. I thought that could ease her transition."

"Aye, that was verra thoughtful of ye. I am sure Eleanor appreciates it. It's just...she canna help but have a reaction. She dinna want to put ye in an uncomfortable position, so she willna talk to ye aboot it unless she is compelled to, by either a drastic circumstances or ye questioning her aboot it."

"Yes, I know, but Jamie, this is precisely what I mean. If Eleanor cannot learn to trust me...cannot learn to come to me, to rely on me, regardless if you are nearby or not, then she nor you will be able to fight the draw towards each other."

"She does trust ye. She told ye the truth aboot herself."

"She would have never told me the truth if you did not threaten to tell yourself," John said. "I cannot fault her for that though. But this...about the slaves and the children, it as if she doesn't want to offend me or impose upon me with her feelings. It's happened constantly in the past day."

Jamie raised an eyebrow, "And at night?"

John stilled, "That is _not_ what I said."

"I ken the lass weel," Jamie retorted. "She is shattered though. Ye are trying to show her that ye are not. Making yer point too much, eh?"

"That is none of your concern," John retorted.

"As long as the lass is weel," Jamie said. "She is, isn't she?"

"Didn't she tell you she was?" John said, "Thank you for the assessment of my character that you had to even ask her that question in the first place."

"Eleanor needs to learn discretion," Jamie let out his breath, "I dinnae think she would tell ye I asked."

"Clearly so."

"It is not that I doubted ye," Jamie retorted, "She takes this to heart. I had to ken that she was weel with what transpired between the two of ye."

"And I need you to let me help her be well with that and everything else," John said. "by trusting me just as you always have. I do have Eleanor's best interest at heart...and that of your children."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, "I just want her to ken that I am not abandoning her."

"Great God in heaven, Jamie," John sighed, "It is a complex situation. To her, it might feel that way and even if it pains you as the man of honor we both know you are, you are going to just have to let her be."

Jamie was silent for a few minutes before saying, "Aye, I ken," Jamie nodded and then frowned, his brow creasing in worry, "The lass will be well, eventually, will she no?"

John looked at him evenly, "I do hope so."

* * *

Eleanor reached for the diapers to change Hope on her bed while Rosie, who was just waking up, sat playing with her doll.

John knocked on the door in poked his head in, "May I come in?"

"Of course," Eleanor stood, "it is your home."

John shut the door beside him, "It is our home, Eleanor," he corrected gently, "Hello Rosie."

Rosie rewarded him with a smile, "See dollie."

"I do," John smiled at her as he went over to pat her head, "Is dollie waking up too?"

"No," Rosie shook her head, "Dollie sleepin." Rosie laid her head down and pretended to sleep.

John chuckled. "What else is going on here?"

Eleanor struggled to compose herself as she had been doing since Rosie and Hope woke up. "Well, Hope needs a diaper change."

"I see," John said, solemnly, "Don't stop on my account."

"I can take her someplace else like I usually do."

"I suspect I might have to get used to matters such as these," he said, his hand still on Rosie's head, "May I sit here, my lady?" he asked Rosie.

"Aye," Rosie said, nodding.

John sat and then looked at Eleanor, his voice firm, "Change the child, Ellie."

"Very well," Eleanor sat on the bed and began to do so.

"I talked to Jamie," John said as Rosie continued to play with her doll.

"Oh," Eleanor bit her lip.

"He mentioned a few matters that I think you and I should discuss," John said.

She glanced at him, "He should learn discretion."

"He said the very same of you," John said.

Eleanor swallowed hard as she picked up Hope. "I need to feed Hope. May we talk about this later? Perhaps tonight after the little ones are asleep?"

"Very well," John nodded, standing, "Would you like me to check on my godson before I go downstairs?"

Eleanor patted Hope's back as she snuggled, rooting against her chest, "His room is a mess. He kind of destroyed it."

"I see," John said, seriously, "Would you object to waking him up and seeing if I can get him to clean up his room?"

"I'm sure Jamie can do that," Eleanor said, standing with Hope, "or I can when I am finished here."

"Yes, but Jamie will not always be here," John retorted, moving to her side. "I need you to let you assist where I can. We must talk more on this matter, of how you would like me to handle the children, but for now..." he paused, "even if he wasn't my stepson, he is my godson, so I feel that is well within my duties as his godfather to teach him how to behave properly."

"Of course," Eleanor nodded. "It's just I don't want us to be a bother."

John titled his head and gazed at her steadily.

Eleanor blushed, "Oh, okay," she groaned.

"Okay, okay," Rosie bounced on the bed.

"Oh crap," Eleanor muttered.

"Crap," Rosie drawled.

John's stare broke as he fought a smile. Eleanor leaned over to bury her head on his shoulder, muffling her groan. "Do not say anything," her voice was firm.

"I wouldn't dare," He reached to encircle his arm around her waist, Hope still staring at both of them. With his other hand, John reached to rub Hope's cheek, got rewarded with a smile and then after a brief kiss on Eleanor's head pulled away.

"Does Jamie and Claire have Mac occupied?"

"Mac is well," John said. "I can take Sam to Jamie after he is settled."

"Yes, I'd think I would like to stay here with the girls for a while," She said, still juggling Hope who was wiggling now.

"Jamie is not upset with you, Eleanor," John said. "You do not have to hide away."

She forced a smile, "I am upset though."

"I know you are," he reached out to squeeze her hand once. "Are you certain you do not wish to speak about it now?"

She nodded, "Some time to reflect would be good."

"As long as it does not lead to worry and despair," John responded, his voice gentle.

"I make no promises," Eleanor said.

"The only promise I ask," John said, his hand moving to rest gently on her arm, "is that you entrust me as your husband to provide you care and comfort even if you think I will not like what it causing your distress."

Eleanor's eyes filled with tears. She nodded, not trusting her voice to speak. Hope reached out her arms for John, kicking and babbling at him, distracted from wanting to eat by John's presence.

John laughed again, taking her for a moment. He gave her a kiss and began to bounce her, Hope calming down. "It didn't take too long for her to remember me again."

"She does love you," Eleanor said, with a smile.

Rosie was watching their interaction from the bed, a frown on her face. Eleanor caught her out of the corner of her eye.

"What's the matter, Rosie?"

"I wanna Da," she pouted.

John gave Eleanor a look. Rosie was still completely attached to Jamie and Claire. She warmed to Eleanor in the past three months, but still quite preferred the others. John handed Hope back and turned to Rose. "Come, dear, I'll take you to see your Da before I talk to your brother."

She nodded, shyly and then held out her arms for John, her dollie still in her hands. He picked Rosie up gently into his arms.

He turned to Eleanor. "May I send Susanna up to help you change for supper in an hour? Your dress is wrinkled."

She looked down at it and then smiled sheepishly. "Yes, it is, isn't it? I laid down next to Sam. Got a few minute of rest in before Jamie woke me up."

He nodded, "You look like you need a few minutes more. Would you like me to take Hope as well?"

She looked at Hope and then to John, who was still holding Rosie.

"I can take her to Jamie and Claire."

She shook her head, "I want her to stay with me."

"Of course," John gave Eleanor a gentle smile before heading out the door, talking to Rose, quietly as he did. Eleanor sat back on the bed, laying Hope beside her before telling her wryly, "Mama has made such a mess out of things, love. I am trying to fix it. I just hope I haven't made things worse."

* * *

Eleanor came downstairs much later. John and Jamie were instructing Willie and Mac on a game of droughts. She was amazed on how well Mac got along with Willie who was so much older than him, but they had seemed to bond. The kidnapping had matured Mac well beyond his years so he acted and behaved like an older child. Sam was lining up his toy animals with Claire and Rosie was sitting on Jamie's lap, playing with her dollie.

John stood to greet her. "Supper is soon. We thought the children could practice sitting in the kitchens like we talked about at Fraser's Ridge. Do you mind? Susanna can look after them."

She nodded, "As long as sometimes they can eat with us."

"Of course," John said, "They must be taught to behave in both situations."

She forced a smile. She wasn't eager to be social with the rest of the adults tonight. The kids antics tended to ease the tension that was often there. John reached out to lightly touch her arm before going over to crouch down next to Samuel.

He touched his arm to get his attention and then looked him in the eyes, whispering a few words. John straighten and Sam got up to walk over to her.

"I sorry for hittin ye, mama and makin a mess of me room," Sam said, quietly. "I love ye."

Eleanor's heart nearly melted. She glanced back at Jamie, who winked at her. She put Hope down on the floor and then scooped Sam up into her arms. "Thank you, Sam, for the apology. Mistakes happen, especially when you are three," She kissed his cheek and squeezed him tightly.

"Lord John help me clean me room," Sam whispered in her ear.

She laughed, "I'm very glad he did. I nearly tripped over all the mess." She hugged and kissed him again and Sam leaned into her. She went to sit down with him, keeping a watchful eye on Hope who was on her stomach rocking on it, trying to lean her head up. Sam hugged her tightly, burying his head in his shoulder. She reveled in his sweet snuggles before he kissed her one more time and went over to John, who was standing nearby. John leaned down, his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear. Sam's smile grew wide and nodded, returning to his animals.

John went to sit next to Eleanor. Hope began to roll herself across the floor to get to Sam's animals.

"Aw, Hope, no," he grunted at her. "They arena yers."

Eleanor stood and scooped Hope back up, who began to fuss.

"When she becomes mobile, we are going to have a problem," Eleanor told John, wryly.

He looked at her, "She seemed quite determined to be a part of it all, didn't she?"

Eleanor nodded as Mac came up to them, "It's okay, Hope," he patted Hope's back. Hope began to gurgle and smile at her eldest brother.

"Did you have fun riding?" Eleanor asked.

"Aye," Mac said, "It was great fun."

"Good," Eleanor smiled at her son, who was rubbing Hope's head.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"What color do you think Hope's hair is?"

"Well," Eleanor cleared her throat, "I think it is red."

The tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold. Claire glanced over Rosie's head, who had went from Jamie to her.

"Murtagh's hair wasna red, was it?" Mac asked, curiously, "And yer hair isna red? Where did it come from?"

Eleanor shrugged. "Who knows how these things work, love."

"But...ye said me and Rosie have Da's hair and Sam has yers, so...Rosie should have either yers or Murtaghs's color, right?"

"It doesn't always work that way," Claire offered, but she had tension in her shoulders.

Jamie came over to place a large hand on Mac's curls. "Such questions, lad. Mama already said she had a grandmother with red hair. There could have been someone in Murtagh's family too with red hair."

"But..."

"I think that is enough," Jamie said, firmly. "It's almost supper time."

John rose. "Yes, indeed. We should all clean up our activities and wash up for supper."

"Make sure you wash your hands well," Claire entreated.

"Aye," Mac said, solemnly, "We always do."

"That is because ye are such a gut lad," Jamie swung him up in his arms giving him a hug before putting him down. "Samuel, wee un, did ye hear what Lord John said?"

"Aye, Da, but just a few more minutes?" Sam entreated, still having the animals chase after each other.

"I dinna think so, lad," Jamie said, "Ye got alot of grace this afternoon out of ye mama and Lord John, but I canna abide disobedience so ye better do what ye ken is right."

Eleanor put Hope on the floor to play and then slid down to sit next to Sam. "I'll help you, Sam. Come on."

"Verra weel," Sam pouted but allowed Eleanor to help him clean up.

* * *

Super was tense between the four adults after Mac's innocent questioning. Eleanor could barely eat and John tried to steer the conversation the best he could.

"Are you not hungry?" he asked her. "Is it not to your liking?"

"Of course, it's delicious," she said. She bit her lip, anxious. "Do you think the children are well in the kitchens? And Hope? Do you think I should check on them?"

"The bairns will be weel, Eleanor," Jamie said, "Ye canna coddle them."

"I wasn't aware that you thought I did," Eleanor said, frowning.

"I always thought that ye were too soft with the bairns," Jamie said, "Surely that is not a surprise."

"I don't smother them though," Eleanor said, "I give them space to be independent, but they are young, Jamie. Even Mac would barely be in school. They are babies."

"Jamie," Claire said, her voice low. "Perhaps this is not the time."

"Ye have difficultly letting them out of yer sight unless they are with one of us and even then," Jamie titled his head, "Hope. Ye dinna let that child go easily."

"She is a baby, Jamie," Eleanor reached for her water, drinking it, her throat feeling dry as she was trying not to cry. "but it is true that I don't like them out of my sight," she admitted, her face flushing.

"Of course you do not," John said, his voice low. "We can all understand why."

"I dinnae either lass, but still, I do let them go. We cannot coddle them. Ye are goin to need to let them have a nanny."

"Absolutely not," Eleanor retorted. "I do not need a stranger helping with our children."

John reached out to put a hand on her arm, "Let's calm ourselves."

Eleanor glared at Jamie, who stared at her back.

"After what ye said this afternoon aboot feeling like ye canna..."

Eleanor dropped her spoon, it clattering against her soup bowl. "Don't you dare through those words back up at me! You try dealing with your son hitting you and throwing things at you and see how you feel!"

"He wouldna have done that with me."

John could feel her flinch underneath his steady hand that was still resting on her arm. "Perhaps we should forgo this conversation until after supper," John said, his voice firm.

"But..." Eleanor frowned, still staring at Jamie.

"I insist, Eleanor, my dear," John said, his voice low to her. "It is simply not done to have a full fledged argument at the supper table no matter how familiar the company..."

"Clearly, you have never been to Thanksgiving dinners after an election year," Eleanor said, wryly.

John looked at her, quizzically and even Jamie perked up. Claire laughed in appreciation.

John removed his hand and inclined his head towards the staff who were still waiting on them. Eleanor frowned, heart heart hammering as her face flushed. Suddenly, she felt it very difficult to breathe.

John cleared his throat and gestured for them to leave them alone. When the room was cleared and the doors shut behind them, Eleanor said, her voice cracking, "John, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean...I'm so sorry."

"I know you didn't," John put a hand on her arm again, rubbing it gently. "I am not angry with you about it, dearest."

Jamie shifted, suddenly wanting to ease this situation for Eleanor, who was quite embarrassed at her gaffe. She had been so distressed over her argument with Jamie that all the room had faded away and she didn't even realize the four of them were not alone. She could have given so much away.

"Still, I could have..." her flush deepened.

"Ellie," John met her eyes. "We can talk more later."

Jamie cleared his throat, coughing slightly. "What is this all aboot?" he asked. "Thanksgiving and politics?"

"Thanksgiving is a holiday in our time- one where families gather together in thanksgiving to share what they have. And Americans have a tradition of debating politics at the supper table during family get togethers," Claire told Jamie.

Jamie couldn't help but grin, "Is that why ye dinna get along with yer family, lassie?"

Eleanor pursed her lips, "After I married Will, I became a little more open to different points of view than what I had grown up with."

"Is that so?" Jamie asked, amused.

"It is," Eleanor said, "I still believe them too," she met his eyes in a challenge.

Jamie chuckled, "Aye, I ken ye do, lass."

Claire looked between them and then glanced at Lord John, "Did you enjoy politics, Eleanor?"

"Actually," Eleanor picked back up her spoon and John let go of her arm, "There was a time when I wanted to become a lawyer and work for the government- for a politician. I went into college thinking I would do that."

John's jaw dropped, "You do not say."

Jamie considered her. "What changed yer mind?"

Eleanor shrugged, "Politics can be nasty. And I never would want to destroy a person to get ahead. Plus, there would never be anyone I would agree with one hundred percent. So, I decided to go with what was familiar...my mom was a teacher...actually at the time it felt more of a calling than that...but God clearly has a sense of humor because I'm here instead of anywhere...in a time where..." she paused, laying down her spoon again, "I cannot think of that," she looked to Jamie, unsure.

He smiled at her, his eyes meeting hers. He seemed to always understand when she felt completely lost and when her faith felt weak. She had lost so much when Claire came back- the father of her children, her love, but even beyond that, the man who spoke to her soul. She did rely on him and his perspective. She missed him- the intimacy she shared with him...and while she wanted to deny it, their connection...it still pulled her towards him. Lately, they were odds with each other most of the time and part of her thought it was a way for both of them to deny that attraction.

Again, Claire looked between the two of them and at John, who was watching Eleanor carefully. She tore her eyes away to look at John, her flush deepening. John gave her an encouraging smile and then steered the conversation in a safer direction.

* * *

Eleanor tucked a sleeping Sam's feet into the bed, "Goodnight, my love." She whispered as she leaned to kiss his head. She allowed Jamie to pass and do the same.

"Goodnight, my wee un," he kissed his head.

She went over to Mac, who was still awake. "Goodnight, sweetheart," she kissed him. "Sweet dreams."

"Mama?" Mac asked as she sat on the bed with him.

"What is it?" she whispered.

"Does Da have to leave?"

Eleanor looked to Jamie whose expression turned pained even in the low candlelight. She got up and allowed Jamie to sit next to Mac.

"Aye," Jamie said, his voice low. "I have to return to Fraser's Ridge in a few days. Enough time to get ye and yer brother and sisters settled." He reached over to put his hand on Mac's face. "But ye will be comin to Fraser's Ridge fer a few weeks with Mama."

"But," Mac paused, "Why can't we all be together? Ye and Mama?"

Eleanor's face turned from them as Jamie reached for her hand, squeezing it briefly before letting it go.

"Because I am marrit to Claire and now Mama is marrit to Lord John..."

"But..._why?_"

"Mama deserved to be marrit to someone who would care fer her and Lord John lives here."

Mac considered it. "I like Lord John, but he isna ye, Da."

"I ken," Jamie leaned down and kissed his head. "i would stay if I could, Mac. But sometimes ye have to do the right thing even if it is hard."

Eleanor sniffed hard, her tears running down her face. She could taste the salt of her tears.

"Just ken that both yer mama and I love ye and Sam and Rosie and..." Jamie paused for just a minute, "Hope verra much."

He nodded, "I ken."

Jamie kissed him again, "Go to sleep, lad. We can talk more in the morn. Pleasant dreams."

Jamie gripped Eleanor's arm and led her out of the room.

"I never wanted to take the children from you," she said, softly. "I knew how much it meant for you to be a father and be able to raise your children. I never wanted this for you. Forgive me. I feel like I have horribly wronged you."

"It was my lack of a decision that wronged ye to begin with," Jamie reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.

"Yes, but" Eleanor began to weep. "Still, I'm so sorry, James. For what this is doing to you...even if you do not say, I know..."

"Shh, mo ghraidh, dinnae thrash yerself fer it. Tis not yer burden to bear," Jamie said, pulling her into a hug, unable to stand her distress. Tears came to his own eyes over it. "Dinnae cry, lass. Ach, dinnae weep, leannan. Ye are puttin everythin on yer shoulders again and tis not right."

He held her tightly against him as she quietly wept. Try as he might to keep his distance, he couldn't when she was in such pain.

They were like that for a few minutes before a throat cleared. "I do apologize."

Eleanor pulled away from Jamie, the tears evident, staining her face.

"Are you well, Eleanor?" John asked.

She shook her head, "No, I cannot say that I am."

Jamie cleared his throat, intervening. "The lad was questioning matters aboot me leaving and being apart...it affected Eleanor...and myself fer that matter." He wiped his own eyes with the back of his hand and sniffed hard.

John nodded, "That is understandable. William is asking for you. You did say you would read to him. If you do not feel up to it, I can make excuses."

"Of course, I can," Eleanor said, "I just need a moment to compose myself. Will you join me?"

He nodded. "Yes, I'd like that."

"I'll go check on Rosie and Claire," Jamie said. "and see if I can get the wee un asleep."

"Thank you," Eleanor nodded. "Give her another kiss for me."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Goodnight, Ellie." He leaned to kiss her cheek. "Sleep well."

"Goodnight, Jamie."

He walked down the hall and Eleanor leaned against the door to the boy's room. She struggled to catch her breath, looking up at the ceiling. "I know you think that was improper. Please don't scold me now."

"Do I scold you?" John asked, lightly.

"I suppose they are more of _gentle reminders_," Eleanor said, wryly. "But we are newly married, but I have a feeling they will change to scolding in due time."

"I see," He gave her a smile. "Actually, I was only going to say that I know this is difficult for you. I wish I could know what to do to make it better for you."

She swallowed hard. "That's so kind of you to say. I've been an emotional mess today, John. I'm so sorry."

He reached out for her hand. She put her hand in his and he squeezed it. "No need to apologize to me, my dear."

Her lip trembled, "Today has been hard. I don't know quite what to do with it."

"Hum," he contemplated that, his eyes meeting hers, "Let's read to William and retire for the night. We'll talk privately."

She nodded, "I'd like that."

* * *

Eleanor was staring out the window at the moon, when John came into his room.

"Do you want me to ask Susanna to help with your dress?" he asked.

She shook her head, her hand still on the drapes as she sat by the window. "It's a full moon. No wonder Sam is crazy," she murmured.

"What's that?" John looked at her and then began to undress himself.

"Children get out of sorts during full moons. We used to swear by it as teachers. If it was a full moon, it would be a hard day with the children. It was oddly true."

"Do you think that accounts for his poor temper?"

"Not entirely," Eleanor said, "I think he's three." She still looked out of the window, "It is a pretty night."

"Come away from the window dearest, and change for bed," John said.

She sighed. "Yes, I am coming. I should make sure Hope is still asleep though."

"I asked for Susanna to attend to Hope for the next few hours."

"That isn't necessary," Eleanor said, her voice quiet.

"I disagree," John said. "The babe doesn't need to feed for hours. After we talk, you need to sleep, Eleanor. It has been a challenging day and clearly, the children will have an adjustment, so they need you to be rested so you can better attend to what is to come."

She raised her eyebrows at him, "Very well. I see you have taken things into command, Lord John," she said, dryly.

"Clearly not my wife," he said, equally dryly. He beckoned to her, "I suppose I will have to help you with your dress. Come over here."

She gave him a small smile in response as she moved to be next to him, "Did I stage a rebellion just now?"

"Ah, no," John retorted, getting her buttons for her, "You were quite mild tempered about it. I would ask if I overstepped, but I do not think I care." He kissed her neck before reaching for the ties of her corset.

"Is that so?" Eleanor asked as he loosened her corset, it sliding to the floor.

John stepped over to the bed to retrieve her nightgown, "You are now _my_ wife and you clearly need someone to look after you properly."

Her lip trembled, "I do not like that you see me as fragile now."

"Not fragile, my dear," John shook his head, handing her the nightgown, "Just a bit stubborn."

"Only a bit?" Eleanor turned her back to him and slid off her shift.

John chuckled, appreciatively as he went to continue undressing.

Eleanor put on her nightgown. She bent down and picked up everything and laid it over the chair. She went over to take down her hair as John finished undressing for bed.

She turned and he climbed up on the bed and patted the spot next to him. She slid into bed next to him, her head resting on the pillow, them turning to face each other.

"What are you thinking on?" he asked, his voice kind.

"Change has always been difficult for me," Eleanor let out her breath, "Being here...and then having the children be so difficult. Knowing Jamie will leave soon. Even though he is not mine...he still...I don't know...it's like he anchors me. He bolsters me."

John reached for her hand, "May I not provide that for you?"

"Maybe but," She frowned, "I feel...uncertain around you."

"Around me? Or here?" He asked.

She paused, "More in the situation. Sometimes with you. I worry if I show you how inadequate I am with everything, you will want to distance yourself from me."

He frowned deeply, "Why would you think that?"

"You are so proper in everything," Eleanor retorted. "My life...it's full of chaos. And you are used to order. A gentleman and a solider. I'm from a different time, John. And I'm American. We are quite different. I do not think I can live up to what you expect."

"I told you I would assist you in acclimating yourself," he said, quietly, "You just do not appreciate direction."

She paused and then smiled at him, "I've been found out."

He laughed, "That was a rather quick discovery, darling."

"I wear my feelings on my sleeve."

"Ah, yes, you do," John said, lifting her hand to kiss it. "Do you not feel like I am gentle enough in guiding you to the ways of this time and place?"

She bit her lip, "You have been very gentle. I just feel...we have a saying in my time...I have a hard time not taking things personally..." she frowned, "how would you phrase it?"

"Taking things to heart?" John suggested. "Is that it?"

"Yes," she nodded. "And then some of it, I just don't agree with...like relying on others to raise my children."

His eyes were on her, "I've already hired a tutor for William. I feel like he could take on both boys. Mac is old enough to start lessons."

"But I can do that for Mac."

"Not if you are intending to not hire a nanny for the little ones," he countered, "I wish you would consider it. Or we can assign one of the household to it."

"Oh John," Eleanor let out her breath, "I was apart for them for so long. What kind of a mother am I if I cannot raise them? I already feel like a poor one and if you and Jamie keep forcing this nanny issue..."

"Just a moment," John paused, "Why do you feel like a poor mother?"

"I have always been one," Eleanor said, "With Harry and Charlotte, I was working...and distracted. And their tantrums. I yelled too much. I loved them fiercely, but I was much better with other people's children than my own. And when I became pregnant with Mac, Jamie swore to me that he would do this with me. That we would temper each other and figure all of this out together. And when I felt overwhelmed at times, he steadied me. He made me feel like I could do this because we were very much parenting them together."

"I know this afternoon was hard on you with Samuel," John said.

She gave a small smile, "Harry was the same, so I do have experience with it. It just doesn't make it easier. It makes you feel like a failure. Jamie is right- he could have probably stopped it just by the sheer presence he has."

"I can assist with teaching the children right from wrong," he said, quietly, "If you'd allow me to do so."

"Then we become bothers..."

"What did I say last night about that?" He said, his eyebrow raised. "Stop assuming my feelings." his voice turned firm. "When I wed you, I knew it came with a very complicated circumstances- just in regard to Jamie and you and the feelings you still clearly hold for each other. _Both_ of you. And then when you add to that four children, three of which have been through such horrible circumstances, I knew that it would not be peaceful. You warned me of such. I am prepared to be as engaged as Jamie in his absence...if you'd let me." He paused, "I agree with you. I don't think you can navigate the needs of the children without Jamie...but you can very much do so with me by your side. So allow me to be by your side. Rely on me."

She swallowed down the lump in her throat. "May I tell you something?"

"Of course you may," John said.

"After what happened with Jamie...it's hard for me to trust your word completely. I hear what you are saying, I do. And I know you have always been so honorable and kind. You _are_ a trusted friend, but I have to control pieces of myself from you..."

"Why is that?"

"I cannot be hurt again. I will not. Jamie made me promises and broke them. I know the circumstances, but still..."

He sat up and leaned against the headboard and she sat up, crossing her legs, "I do understand. And given everything you have been through, it is understandable. But I am your husband now and I will be a good one to you. We will not always get along, I'm certain there will be moments where we both want to thrash each other, but I won't leave you, Eleanor. I will try to bring us back into harmony. And I am sure I might become annoyed with the children from time to time, but you will as well, so I dare say that isn't a reason to fear."

She twirled the end of her hair around her finger, "I just..." She shrugged.

"I told you that I wish for you to be vulnerable and honest with me," he reminded her. "I stand by what I said last night and the vows I made to you yesterday morn."

She twisted her ring as she contemplated his words. "Do you truly think I am capable of living here in this time as your wife?

"My darling, what other choice do you have? You cannot change history and this was the time that the fates compelled you to. We can only make the changes that we can. If you have concerns, I'd like you to come to me and not let them fester within you."

She nodded, "I do not believe that people should be treated as property."

"I know you do not," John said. "But I cannot do anything about their freedom. I am steward of William's property and I cannot make unsound, rash decisions on his behalf."

"That is precisely why I did not want to tell you."

"So instead, you spoke to Jamie about your reservations."

"Yes, considering he turned down the inheritance of River Run."

"Was that not more Claire than Jamie?"

"I am not sure. I just wanted his perspective...since he has the 18th century view with the perspective of the future."

"I understand that, but," John said, "I need you to tell me about these matters. While I cannot change matters entirely, I will welcome your views as to how to make life more just for the persons under our care. I cannot promise to take your council on these matters, but I will take it under the greatest advisement, because I have the upmost respect for the wisdom you bring and the knowledge you have from your time. And you can continue to influence William as you have done so far, so when he is of age and sound mind, he can make the choice he wishes for himself."

She searched his eyes and then nodded. "May I ask you a question? It's changing the subject, but it has been bothering me."

"Go on," John said, seriously.

"How do wives..." she paused, "in this century navigate..." she frowned, "what is proper etiquette to know where to sleep?"

"Where to sleep?" John repeated, "As in your room verses mine?"

"Yes, I know well enough to know you choose...but if you don't say something, do I assume I should sleep in my own room? I mean...Jamie and I...we never had this issue because we shared a room from the start and Will and I, of course did, and I just don't..."

"I see," John said, quickly, "I cannot say for sure how other marriages work, but we can come upon agreed terms on how we wish ours to work. Do you prefer your solitude?"

"Considering Hope is in my room, I don't have it one way or the other," Eleanor said, dryly.

"That is true," John smiled at her, "I do wish..." he paused, "I wish to keep you close at least in the early days of our marriage to ensure you are well and that you are not...getting inside your head. If I allow you to retreat, I will never get you back."

She smiled, "You know me well."

"I am endeavoring to do so," John said, "But if there is any time that you wish to go to your own bed, for whatever reason, you just have to say. Do not be uncomfortable about dong so."

"Thank you," she said.

"You are most welcome," John retorted. "Are you tired?" he asked as she fought a yawn.

"Yes," she said, "but it has been medically proven yawning doesn't mean you are tired."

"I see," John smirked, "but you are, are you not?"

"I am," she yawned again.

"Go ahead and sleep then. I think I will read a bit before bed."

"Before I do," Eleanor said, "I need a hug."

"Do you?" John looked amused.

"I need alot of them from time to time," Ellie admitted. "Do you object?"

"Of course not," John said, opening his arms and she scooted over and into them.

"All will be well in due time," John whispered, "Do not fear what is to come for whatever comes, you are not alone."

She rested her chin on his shoulder. "I am grateful for you...for your steadiness and your kindness. I don't ever want you to think that I am not."

"I know...your heart will take time to heal, Eleanor. You cannot expect otherwise."

"But...will it ever?" she moved to look up at him.

"I have no doubt that you will always love him...but I do think the pain will lessen in time...as you learn to be more content in the circumstances you are now in."

She reached up to put her hand on his face, "You are exceedingly generous with me...what can I ever do to repay you?"

"My dear," he leaned down to kiss her gently, "You are my wife. There is nothing you will ever have to repay to me."

And in that moment, she once again felt hope...bolstered for the future...even if it as a future without the man she loved.

She kissed him again, reaching for his hand to squeeze it as she did. She pulled back and met his eyes.

"You said you were tired."

"I am," she said. "But I need to feel something besides...all of this..."

John took her other hand so both of their hands were connected. "Tell me more."

She swallowed hard, "I need to feel like your wife...that we are connected in all ways. Is that wrong?"

He shook his head swiftly, "I am just surprised you are so willing, Eleanor. Given what you told me..."

"About Murtagh?" Eleanor said. "It's different with you, John. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe the pain isn't so immediate and raw...or...I'm not sure. Maybe I'm different. Maybe I wish to try more to forge a union between us. Maybe because I know you understand how I feel- that we both have to figure out how to make this work in our hearts," She paused, "but if you'd rather read..." she shrugged.

He pulled her closer to him. "The book can wait."

"I want to be really tired after this," Eleanor told him. "Like I have no choice but to forget that I have had such a dreadful emotional afternoon and night. That I am not such an ungraceful, clumsy wife and inept mother."

"My dear," he laughed at her, "You are no such thing. But if you wish me to exhaust you, that can most certainly be arranged."

"Do you think so?"

"When have I ever been one to shy from a challenge?" John pulled her up on his lap.

And true to his word, when they were done, Eleanor curled up and fell fast asleep in his arms. He watched her sleep, stroking her arm as he did. And when he was sure that she was comfortably asleep, he gently disentangled her from him, pulling up the covers to make sure she was warm in her state of undress.

He leaned over to give her a kiss on the head, before reaching for the lamp and his book and taking it into the sitting room that joined their two rooms.

A/N: **thoughts?**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N:** A **BIG** thank you to all who have taken the time to review the last chapter. Are Ellie and Lord John falling for each other? They definitely are becoming deeply connected with each other, and I think that John has always understood Eleanor's heart very well, but the pull of Jamie Fraser is strong...for both of them. :) Curious to see what you think of this chapter...Happy (almost) Fri-yay!

**Chapter 28**:

"Do we have to?" Eleanor frowned. "Jamie will not be here for much longer and I want to spend as much time as a family as possible."

"No, we do not have to," John said, slowly as he folded the letter. "We can make our regrets, however, I just thought it would be easier for us to attend if you knew the children were with Claire and Jamie, at least for this first engagement."

"I just..." Eleanor winced.

"I know you would much rather prefer to stay at home," John put the letter in his pocket and then came over to where she was standing. He offered his hand to her and led her to sit with him on the couch in the library. He put their joined hands on his knees and turned to her, attentively, "But our marriage and your new role comes with certain obligations. Is there something specific that is distressing you?"

"What if I say or do something that embarrasses you?"

"My darling, I do not think that is possible," John said, seriously. "You do not realize your charms, but they are evident to anybody you come in contact with. Even in Jamaica, you were well liked. Your shy nature was not off putting, but I can understand how you would feel that it was."

"I can't dance."

"It's a supper party," John countered. "When we are invited to a ball at the governor's palace, I'll teach you beforehand."

"When we are invited to _what_?" Eleanor's eyes widened and her voice contained her horror. "I didn't even think that to be a possibility."

John laughed, "It's a party, not an execution, dearest. And it will most likely not be for some time as our engagements will keep us here. But before you are thrust into that situation, I think you should ease into society with a supper among the neighboring plantations. We'll have to reciprocate eventually, but for now, let's just take it one step at a time."

"I don't curtsey right," Eleanor said. "I fumble each time."

"Do you think?" John said, his voice light. "You did at first, but I haven't noticed it since our first meeting or two."

"John," Eleanor groaned. "You weren't supposed to agree with me."

"I am only _partly_ agreeing with you," John countered. "Stand up and show me so I can see what you mean."

"No," Eleanor grunted, crossing her arms, very much looking like her son, "I don't want to."

"You are worse than the children," John said. "Go on now." He gave her a nudge.

"It's mortifying," Eleanor said. "I don't want you looking at me."

"I look at you all the time," John said. "I have even seen you undressed. I look at you then as well. Go on, Lady John. We can't have you fumbling about."

"Bossy," she grunted, but went to stand in front of him. "I do not have anything proper to wear."

"You have many dresses that would be most suitable. I ensured that before we wed."

"Yes, but..."

"Eleanor, my dear, I may be the most patient of all your husbands, but even I have my limits," John said, dryly.

Eleanor titled her head and glared, but John raised his eyebrow at her so she knew he was saying it mostly in jest.

"Okay, okay," Eleanor said.

"Ellie," John clucked, disapprovingly.

"Well, what do you say then...?" she asked, letting out a frustrated breath.

"Yes, yes, or something like that," John retorted. "_Curtsey_."

"_Darling, bossy husband_," she said as curtseyed.

"Ah," John stood, deep in thought. "You're right. Do it again, but lift your dress higher so I can see what your feet are doing."

"_Darling, extremely bossy husband,_" she curtseyed again.

He ignored her, "Your back foot is too far to the side. It's making your balance strange."

"That is because it is an incredibly awkward movement."

"Not if you put your back foot closer to your front," he responded. "It will help your balance to do so. Try it."

She made a face, but followed his direction.

"See, that's better," John said. "You also have to keep your shoulders up. Head down."

"The English and all their bloody awful rules."

"It isn't limited to the English, my darling," John said, with a raised eyebrow, because he knew that she was in earnest trying to provoke him now.

"At least it was in _my_ time. Curtsey was done to the Queen, not in formal greeting. But that was only in England. In America, we hug a friend or shake hands when meeting someone."

"Be that as it may, you still need to know how it is done properly because you are living in _this_ time," John said, his voice gentle, but firm, refusing to let her provoke his temper. "Try again," he moved to face her again.

Eleanor did so again, but this time stumbled.

John frowned deeply, "You did that on purpose."

"I did not," Ellie said. "I'm truly this uncoordinated."

"Surely not," he said.

"Surely so," Eleanor said, mocking his tone.

He studied her to see if she was teasing or truly challenging him, wondering how measured his response should be. It was then they were interrupted by a knock on the half opened library doors.

Jamie stood in the entrance, Rosie in his arms. John beckoned him in but he stopped when he saw Eleanor and John looking intently at each other. He could fill the tension in the air between them.

"I'm verra sorry to interrupt."

"You are not," Eleanor said, pulling her eyes away from John's. She went over to kiss Rosie on the head, "How's my girl doing? Why are you not sleeping?"

"Dinna take a long rest today," Jamie said. "I told her that we would find ye. Do ye want to go to Mama?"

Rosie shook her head and clung to Jamie. "i just wanna see her."

"Ah, weel, there she is leannan," Jamie said. "What are you doing?"

Eleanor turned to him, "Have you ever noticed my curtsy was lacking?"

Jamie glanced at John, sensing he was walking into an ambush with Eleanor. John titled his head in clear warning to tread lightly.

"Weel, maybe it isna as graceful as it could be," he offered, almost sheepishly.

"James Fraser, why didn't you ever try to help me?" Eleanor said, aghast, "I asked you specifically and you said _I was fine_."

"I dinna want to hurt yer feelings," Jamie defended, "And I dinna think ye would have to do much of it considering where we were. Not, if we were to go into society, I would have helped ye. I dinna think ye could help it. Ye arena the most graceful, but..." Jamie quickly continued as Eleanor's scowl increased tenfold, "you make up fer it in so many other charming ways."

She turned her glare to John, who struggled to keep from laughing at Jamie's discomfort. He sobered immediately at her look now directed at him.

"That's it, I'm not going," Eleanor said, adamantly.

"A curtsey lasts for a moment," John said, reasonably, "You cannot think to use that as an excuse not to go."

"I very much can," Eleanor retorted. "And I very much will."

"I do not think so," John said, his manner easy, but his voice became quieter, a signal for those who knew him well that he had reached his limits of patience. Jamie, who knew him well, figured this was a good time to leave the two of them alone.

Jamie began to step away with Rosie, trying to sneak out.

"Where are you going?" Eleanor asked him.

"I dinna want to witness yer first martial argument," Jamie said. "Dinnae ye need privacy fer that?"

"We are not fighting," Eleanor said, "I don't fight with Lord John, that is reserved only for you, James Fraser."

"Give it time, lassie," Jamie said, wryly. "Ye canna be on yer best behavior always."

"So, it would be me starting the fights, would it? That was certainly not the case when we were married."

"Weel, between ye and him," Jamie said, wincing at her look, "Lord John is far more measured than ye."

"More reasonable?"

"Aye."

John cleared his throat, "Perhaps, you should allow Jamie to exit this situation with grace before digging himself too deep in it, my dear."

"She's pushing me to it," Jamie said to him.

"Oh, I am very well aware of that fact, Jamie," John said, titling his head at her. "If you are feeling offended or hurt by our guidance, Eleanor, then perhaps you should say so, instead of going off in a temper. Jamie really did not do anything here. And while he is family, he is still is our guest, is he not, Lady John?" His admonishment was gently given, but she had a feeling if she pushed back, John wouldn't hesitate to call her out on it in a less gentle manner. She was also well aware of Rosie watching the adults, her thumb in her mouth.

She met his eyes, "Oh, very well. You're right. I have been sensitive about it," she turned to her former husband, "I'm sorry, Jamie. It was badly done."

"Think nothing of it, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, easily, shifting Rosie in his arms. "Maybe Rosie would like to see yer curtsy."

"Rosie try!" Rosie said, clapping her hands. "Rosie try, Da!"

"An excellent notion," John said, "If Rosie is willing to try, then surely her mama would be willing to accommodate her."

She grumped at John, who leaned over to whisper in her ear, "It is far less of an ordeal then you are making it to be. This started in jest betwixt us, do not let it turn into something more negative in nature," He admonished further, but this time only for her ears.

She forced a smile and then went to her daughter. "Lord John is going to help. Are you ready, darling?"

"Aye, aye, aye!" Rosie clapped.

"Very well, my lady, Rose," John bowed to her. "When a proper lady, like your mama, greets an acquaintance, whether new or old, she curtseys to them. Eleanor, show her how."

Eleanor gaze moved from John to Jamie, who was looking quite amused and then back at John, who smiled at her and then to her daughter.

"Rose, watch mama," she said, lifting her skirts, "Put your foot like this. Not too far out behind it and you just bend your knees and dip down, holding your dress up, like this," Eleanor curtseyed, looking fully the lady that she is now.

John nodded at her, in approval.

Rosie tried to imitate Eleanor, but ended up bobbling forward and then giggled. She tried again, this time, it was much more lady like.

"That's a good girl!" she said, smiling at Rosie. "And when you greet someone like a gentleman, you can offer your hand as you do and say their name."

"Watch this Lady Rose," John said, his eyes on Eleanor, locked with hers. She blushed, suddenly aware of the look he was giving her. She knew that if she let herself, she could take his censure to heart, but the look John was giving her, was so full of care and respect that she began to realize that he was just trying to do right by her- as he promised her in the days since they wed. And she _had_ let her jest turn into something more negative.

John bowed to Eleanor, "Lady John," He extended his hand to Eleanor, who took it, curtseying while she did, "Lord John. How do you do?"

Rosie giggled and clapped in delight. "Do it with Da!"

Eleanor's eyes shifted to Jamie, who titled his head in her direction.

"Very well, Jamie, do you want to show our daughter?"

"Aye, I would be verra glad to greet ye," Jamie said, a twinkle in his eye.

"This time, you start first, Ellie," John said.

Eleanor cursteyed to Jamie, "Mr. Fraser," she extended her hand. "It's a pleasure to see you."

"my lady," Jamie leaned to kiss her hand as he bowed. "it is very good to see ye."

Rosie giggled some more, "I try! Rosie try. Da kiss Rosie hand!"

The three adults chuckled and Jamie swept over to his daughter in a grand gesture and sat on his knees so he was level with her.

Rosie very seriously curtseyed, "Da," she began to babble words and offered her hand and Jamie equally seriously kissed it, bowing to her. "My daughter."

All the sudden, Eleanor realized her eyes were filling with tears at the sweet scene between Jamie and their daughter. It was not only for the loss of Jamie to Rosie, but the fact that Hope would never get to claim this wonderful man as her Da and have these moments with him. Sensing her distress, John came up next to her and put his arm around her waist, pulling her comfortingly to his side.

Jamie rose, suddenly emotional as well. He swung Rosie up in his arms, giving her a peck on the cheek, "Weel done, wee un!" he praised. He looked at Eleanor, "And weel done, Lady John. Much improved."

She laughed through her tears, "I thank you, Mr. Fraser," she said, her voice quiet.

Jamie cleared his throat, "Perhaps, we should find Claire, aye, lassie?"

Rosie clapped her hands, "Aye. Find Claire."

Jamie gave them both a smile, his eyes still filled with unshed tears, before leaving them alone. Eleanor turned into John's arms and buried her head against his shoulder and allowed her tears to flow, her heart filled with sorrow with what is to come. John simply held her and let her cry, sensing that is what she needed most.

* * *

"You didn't have to wait up," Eleanor said as they arrived back home to Jamie, lounging in the sitting room, a drink in his hand.

"I wanted to give ye an update on the wee uns, before retiring," Jamie said. John helped Eleanor take off her wrap and handed it to Tom who had greeted them. Eleanor reached to remove her gloves, also handing it to him. John took off his outer coat, "Thank you, Tom." He paused, "Will you send Susanna to Lady John in about a half an hour? And tell her that Lady John will need to feed Hope soon."

"Of course, my Lord," Tom bowed and left them alone.

"How was it?" Jamie asked. "Ye certainly looked bonny tonight."

"Didn't she?" John said, smiling at her. "I assure you she was the most charming woman in the entire room."

"Well, considering all the others are quite my senior, it would be natural that you would think that," Eleanor said, wryly. "Don't let him fool you, Jamie."

"I dare say I would think that regardless," John said, matter of factually, his eyes on her. "You were witty and charming tonight, Eleanor. A positive addition to the gathering and to myself."

Eleanor blushed again. John had been in good spirits tonight and Eleanor had been promptly rewarded for her excellent behavior on the ride home. It never ceased to amaze her that in the week of marriage, he was more than willing to explore relations between the two of them, pushing them into further intimacy. She sensed that he needed to feel that connection with her as well- just as she needed it.

"I dinnae doubt it," Jamie said. "Your color is heightened," he rose to give her a kiss on the cheek, welcoming her back home. "Ye dinna drink too much wine, did ye?"

Eleanor's color heightened even more, "No, I was careful not to, considering I'm still feeding the little one."

"Aye, ye usually are," Jamie paused and then glanced between the two of them. "The supper lasted awfully late. I was beginning to worry."

"Not too late," Eleanor said, before John could poke her into not revealing too much. "The ride took longer than expected," she fumbled. "Traffic."

"Traffic?" Jamie's eyebrows raised. "What is traffic?"

"Um," Eleanor looked to John, who shrugged. He wasn't ashamed of their escapades on the way home, but was amused by the woman who was so charming and managed to look completely at ease hours early, whether she felt so or not, was clearly feeling undone at the thought her ex would suspect that she was enjoying too much the pleasures of married life. "John?"

"I'm not sure what you mean either" John said."Where are you going with this?"

"I suppose traffic is excessive amounts of carriages on the road."

Jamie's eyes widened, suddenly becoming aware of what was happening.

"Ach," he grunted. He knew that color rising of Eleanor's well and the horridness of which she lied to cover that up. They were waylaid but it had nothin to do with carriages on the road in the middle of the countryside. " Ye dinnae have to say anything further, lassie. Ye are horrid at being stealth. I ken that weel." He glanced at John, who gave nothing away, not even a smile for he was very good at being covert when needed.

John gently led Eleanor to sit on the settee across from Jamie with him.

"Do give your verdict, Lady John," John said to her. "Was it as horrid as you thought it was going to be?"

"No," Eleanor said, "It wasn't. Everyone was welcoming and not so pretentious as I thought they might be. Granted, I still wished to be at home with the children, but tonight wasn't awful."

"That is the best ye could have hoped from, John," Jamie said.

"I agree," John said, a gentle smile in Eleanor's direction. "How are the little ones? I trust William did not give you trouble about bedtime."

"Not at all," Jamie said, "He is a fine lad. Sam and Mac however..." he looked to Eleanor.

"Oh gracious," Eleanor said. "What happened?"

"We thought they might need baths from their romp in the yard and mud today. More water got out than in. I'm not sure they are any cleaner fer it."

Eleanor giggled. "Did Da get soaked too?"

"Aye," Jamie said, "Tis so. Completely."

"Well, they are your sons, Jamie," Eleanor offered. "You told me that it would never be dull after Sam was born and our sons have certainly lived up to that."

"Aye," Jamie smiled at the memory, "They have."

Eleanor's heart twisted at the thought of Jamie leaving in a two more days. But at the moment, there was another pressing need. She stood, "I really need to go feed the baby."

The discomfort had been building up and now she was completely filled after skipping two feedings. The feeling caused a sudden flashback to when Rosie was taken from her so young. She froze, planted by her anxiety and the feeling of dread she felt that night.

"Eleanor," John frowned as he rose quickly to her side, "You look like you are going to faint." He gripped her, tightly. "What is it, darling?"

Jamie read the look and quietly slipped out of the room, climbing the stairs two at a time to retrieve the bairn for Eleanor.

"I just had a flashback, more of the feeling...the night the children were taken," She whispered.

"What brought that memory on?" John asked, his arms still around her, holding her steady.

She looked down, "Christ sake's," she grunted as her dress became stained. "That did," she said.

John winced. "I'm sorry, we should have come home right away."

"No," Eleanor said, "You probably relieved some of it tonight otherwise this would have happened sooner."

John looked dismayed. "Do you ever wish not to do this? We can hire someone to feed Hope."

"No," Eleanor shook her head, as Jamie came back into the room, trying to rouse Hope from her sleep.

"Here ye are, lass," Jamie said.

"Thank goodness," Ellie said, "Thank you, Jamie."

"Of course," Jamie smiled at her. "I'll give ye yer privacy."

"Are you tired?" John asked as him and Jamie left the room.

"No, I canna say I am," Jamie confessed, "Claire went to bed hours ago."

"Would you like a chess match and another drink?" John asked.

"Aye," Jamie nodded as John walked with Jamie into the foyer and across to the library.

"How did you know?" John asked as Jamie got the drinks while he set up the board.

"That is the benefits of being marrit longer than a few days," Jamie said, wryly. "I dinna ken what her look was over. It was verra strange." He paused, thinking it over. "it caused her to remember the night the bairns were taken," he shuddered at the memory. "The poor lass was in so much discomfort over that on top of the pain from losing them. It was an awful time fer us all."

"Yes," John sighed, "Her heart is so wounded at times, Jamie."

"Aye, I am verra sorry fer it," Jamie said, handing him the drink. "I will go to my death regretting the pain I have caused the woman I love...both of them fer Claire sees and feels it too. Eleanor tries very hard not to make her the enemy in this, but Claire kens she was the disruptor."

John studied him, "Your relationship with Claire- does it suffer as a result?"

"At times," Jamie said, "But at other times, it as if nothing has happened to change between us. My love fer Eleanor and our family never hampered my love fer Claire. But in the reverse, my love for Claire, never hampered my love fer Eleanor. It is confounding that I canna just turn one off for the other. Claire understands that I canna and she is learning to accept it without feeling like it is a slight to her."

John looked sympathetic, "You did what you felt was right."

"Aye but I canna say that it as right," Jamie said, "Fer Eleanor. Fer the bairns. But it seems that ye are doin yer best to settle her."

"I wish to make her content," John said, "Very much so."

Jamie studied him. "She responds weel to ye, John. Fer what it is worth. Ye ken how to speak to her without riling her up further. It will serve ye and her both weel in yer marriage."

John smiled, "I'm learning how. Knowing when to be more forceful verses more gentle...it isn't easy to anticipate how she will react. But I am learning how to speak to her and lead her."

"Aye," Jamie said, "I would usually try to bend her will to mine. I dinna usually work so weel, between ye and I."

John chuckled. "I can only imagine."

"I'm glad to ken that the lass is in gut hands," Jamie said, letting out his breath, "But I must ken fer ye are my friend as weel. Will ye be content?"

John nodded, "I believe I will be. I am already finding myself to be. She is remarkable, Jamie. And very dear to me."

"Then I am glad fer ye as weel," Jamie said, his voice sincere and then paused as he remembered the conversation. "Excessive carriages on the road," Jamie chuckled. "God, I will miss the lass."

John laughed in turned. "Shall we play? You make your move first, Mr. Fraser."

"Aye, we shall," Jamie said, moving his piece.

* * *

Eleanor's heart felt like it was going to tear into two watching Jamie say goodbye to the children, one by one. He eyed Hope at first and then determinedly went and gave the bairn a kiss on the head before picking up Rosie, who clung to him tightly.

Eleanor handed Hope to Susanna, who took her inside. John put his arm around Eleanor's waist, trying to provide her comfort so she would be strong for the children.

"It willna be too long until ye come and see us," Jamie said, Rosie still in his arms, his hand in Mac's crouching down to his son's level. "Mama and Lord John will take gut care of ye."

Mac fought the tears that were welling up in his eyes. "I dinna want ye to go."

"Dinna go, Da!" Sam said.

"Oh my lads," Jamie said, "Dinna fash so. Be gut lads fer yer mama. She loves ye so."

Rosie was wide eyed as she clung to Jamie, not fully understanding what was happening, but to know well enough that her brothers were upset.

He gave each of them a kiss on the head and gathered all his children in his arms. Eleanor leaned over to bury her head in John's shoulder for a moment, trying to gather her emotions.

He patted the side of her head. "Be strong, darling," he entreated.

Jamie straightened and Eleanor saw his resolve. The boys clung to his legs and Rosie around his neck.

His eyes met Eleanor's. He leaned across the boys to give her a kiss on the cheek. He leaned to whisper in her ear, even though he was aware that John could hear him in the close proximity he was keeping to Ellie, but still he didn't hesitate. "Ye are the best mama fer our wee uns. Dinna think fer a moment I think otherwise. God gave me ye and them when I need ye the most- when I felt like I couldna go on. I will be forever in yer debt, mo ghraidh."

"No, Jamie, I do not know what I would have done that night if you had not been there...I do not regret it...any of it." She whispered back.

He nodded at her and then gently untangled Rosie from her death grasp and with another kiss, shoved her towards Eleanor. She started wailing. Sam started to cry as Jamie walked away, putting his arm around Claire, who had said her goodbyes earlier and was standing in the yard. John bent down to pick up his godson, who buried his face in John's shoulder. Eleanor reached to grip Mac's hand, pulling him to her side. She knelt down beside him.

"Mac, my darling," she said, her voice quiet.

Mac straightened his shoulders and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Dinna fash aboot me, mama."

Still Eleanor drew him into her other arm, hugging him tightly, her back to Jamie's retreating form. Jamie couldn't help but turn around for one last long look at his bairns, before climbing on the horse and riding away.

Mac did not cry, but still kept his face buried against Eleanor's chest, his head next to Rosie's, who was hiccuping.

"Da go bye bye?" Rosie said.

"Aye," Mac replied. "But we'll see him soon. Dinna cry Rose. We'll see him soon."

Eleanor looked over to John, her eyes concerned. John shook his head slowly, his hand still rubbing Sam's back.

* * *

Eleanor continued to rock Rosie, who was crying against her when John came into Rose's room.

"How is she?" he asked.

"I don't know," Eleanor said, "It is as if nothing I can do will comfort her. How are the boys?"

"Trying to fall asleep, I think, or that is what they claim," John said. "Hope is asleep. Do you want me to send Susanna in here to take Rose from you?"

Eleanor shook her head, "If I don't get through tonight with her, I doubt she will ever respond to me," she whispered. "I think she is half asleep."

"Very well," John said. "What else can I do?"

Eleanor shrugged, "I don't know."

Sam came into the room, "Mama, I wanna sleep next to ye. I scared."

Eleanor exchanged a look with John, who frowned. He put his hand on his godson's head and turned him around, "Come, Samuel. You and I can discuss your fears."

"But I wanna my mama," Samuel cried.

"Mama is busy with Rosie," Lord John countered. "When she is done, she will come and look in on you."

"Tis not fair. She is always with Hope and Rosie. I wanna my mama too. Or I wanna Da!" He began to stop his foot and John inclined his head at him, "No, young sir." he said, his voice low and firm. "We are not starting that, Samuel. It is far too late for a tantrum of that sort."

Samuel pouted but his foot stilled.

"Wise choice," John said, his hand on his arm, "Now, let's go and discuss this fear of yours."

He lead Sam away. Eleanor continued to rock Rosie until the crying became hiccups and Rosie exhausted herself to sleep. She kissed her head and gently laid her in her bed. She went to check in on both boys, who were fast asleep.

"Thank you, God," Eleanor whispered in prayer. She went to John's room, knocking on the door before allowing herself in.

Hope was currently lying on the bed next to John, who was offering his finger for her to chew.

"What is she doing up?" Eleanor asked, in dismay. "She was the first one I put to bed."

"Susanna thinks it is teeth," John said. "Or maybe she is hungry again. I said I would take her. I told her to retire for the night, but she said she wanted to help you undress before doing so."

Eleanor nodded, "Are you alright for another few minutes?" Eleanor asked.

"I believe so," John said, seriously, "If she doesn't chew my finger off. She is really gnawing at it."

"God help me," Eleanor murmured. "Perfect timing to get teeth, Hope."

She went to her room to greet and thank Susanna, who helped her change out of her dress and into her nightgown. She took down her hair and brushed it out for her, before Eleanor went into John's room. She climbed up on the bed. "Let me have her." She settled the bairn at her breast, trying to soothe her. Hope fell right back to sleep in minutes.

"She is comfort feeding" Eleanor remarked as she shifted her up in her arms. "Let me go put her back."

She went to place her in her crib, rubbing her hair gently as she did before heading back to John's bed.

She climbed up again. John was sitting against the headboard, a book on his lap, but not looking at it. His eyes were closed and there was an odd expression on his face, one that Eleanor couldn't read.

"Is everything...well?" Eleanor asked, concerned.

"Of course," John said, "I'm weary. I cannot imagine how you feel."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Thank you for helping with the little ones tonight. They will adjust and it will become easier."

"Undoubtedly so," John said, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at her, "but we are shifting responsibilities of the household around until the full adjustment is made. Decide whom you trust. William's tutor will be here within the month and I would like everything running smoothly before then."

"Jamie just left." Eleanor protested. "And you know how I feel about help with the children."

"I know, but even when he was here if often took all four of us to settle down the five children for sleep. I am just being practical, my darling. I know it is not what you want to hear tonight, but I need to say it. Do not mistake me, we will still take the bulk of the roles with the children- We will tuck into bed, read stories, soothe bad dreams, settle tempers, look after their lessons and find activities for them...but while we are dealing with one of our wayward children, the other wayward children need to be looked after properly. We are by far outnumbered."

He had called them _our_. He was being incredibly kind and sweet, but still he was essentially telling her the way it was going to be.

"John," Eleanor sighed. "Please. I need to feel like I can do this on my own."

"We already established you cannot," he said, his voice gentle. "Do not fear. We are not letting others raise them. We are simply using the resources we have been made available us and putting them to the best use. In this way, if we have to attend an engagement, you will feel at ease knowing the children are looked after properly."

She frowned at him, "You've worked it all out, haven't you?"

He titled his head, "Do not be angry when you know that I am being being very reasonable about it."

"You cannot always be so reasonable, sometimes you just have to feel..."

"The minute we let our feelings guide us, chaos ensues," John said. "It isn't as if we are handing them off to a nanny. You are still responsible for their day to day. I'm just saying that we need to call on the available staff to help us. That way we can focus more on what each individual child might need from us."

"Okay," Eleanor grunted. "I mean...fine..."

"You are still upset with me."

"No, not with you," Eleanor said. "I don't know. I am all worked up about Jamie leaving and...the kids are hurting...and...you were really good with them tonight, but I forgot the way you were raised...I know this is a compromise for you...and it is reasonable. If I am fighting the urge to lash out at you, it is just because I'm taking my feelings about Jamie leaving out on you, but I'm going to try my hardest not to do so."

John reached out to rub a finger against her cheek. "I miss Jamie too, Eleanor."

The way he said it was so sweet...and true.

The tears filled in her eyes, suddenly grateful...for this man who had given up so much, just to ensure that she was cared for and happy.

"I cannot possibly fill the gap he has left in your life and in your heart, for Jamie Fraser, has a presence that is unmatched, but I will do my best to make his absence more bearable for you and the children." His finger went under her chin to lift it up, "It is not that I do not want to be bothered by the children, it is that I want to figure out the best way to care for you and the children. You have to trust my judgment. My timing was perhaps poor due to your overwrought feelings, but given that tonight showed us both how needy the children truly are, I felt like it was the ideal time to approach it with you..."

She swallowed hard, her eyes meeting his. "Very well. I concede to your superior judgement, husband."

His eyes twinkled, "Not superior, just more practical. You will run yourself in the ground if I allow you to. I choose not to allow you to."

"Do you think you have such control over me?" Eleanor's eyes now sparkled herself. "You have seen where that philosophy led Jamie."

He crooked his finger at her, beckoning her closer. When she scooted closer to him, he kissed her. "Into more passion, did it not?"

She pulled back, "Oddly true. The sex afterwards was often worth the fights."

He laughed at her, "That was so blunt."

"If I cannot be blunt with you, who can I be with?" She said, smiling. "But still you gamble, Lord John. I am not easy to control."

"I am most aware of that delightful fact," John said, "Rest assured, I choose wisely when to exercise my martial right to control."

"Oh, do you?"

"Oh most assuredly so," John said, undoing her nightgown and pushing it off her shoulders. "For instance, I believe I'm choosing it right now."

"If I am willing," Eleanor said, "I doubt it constitutes as control."

"And if you are unwilling right now, I doubt any one of us would partaking in the pleasures of our marital bed," John retorted, dryly, "That is now what I meant."

"What do you mean then?" she asked as he covered her chest with his hand.

"You believe me to be so completely refined that I cannot match the passion that you and Jamie shared."

She was taken aback, "This is a wholly unexpected direction."

"Well?" John asked. "Am I mistaken?"

"Perhaps, that is true," Eleanor said. "Jamie was a highlander warrior. He exuded raw strength and passion. And he was...not...well...he preferred women," She paused, "Are we really having this discussion tonight of all nights?"

"I think we are," John said. "There are times you wish for it to be unmeasured between you and your partner. You do not think me capable of it in regards to you. I wish to prove you wrong."

"But why tonight?" Eleanor frowned.

"Because..." John said, quietly, "I am feeling raw as well. I feel his loss. It is this way every time he leaves. With the children, I feel like I cannot get drunk on wine tonight or seek pleasure elsewhere like I would be apt to do...but I can get...distracted by you and I."

"But you don't feel passion towards me, so how would it work for you?"

"I feel inklings of it," John said, honestly, "At the moment, I feel the strongest desire that I need you now...in this unrestrained way. Is it passion? I know not. But it _is_ need, Eleanor. Will you let me explore it?"

Even in her emotional exhaustion, she knew that if John said he needed this, he needed it. He was being vulnerable with her...she could reciprocate.

She reached for his hand, holding it.

"You are trembling," he said, kissing her hand. "You aren't frightened, are you? I will not hurt you, my dear."

"No, Lord John, I am not scared," she said, her voice low. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe I need to explore this as much as you?"

He paused, looked at her in wonder and then pulled her up into his arms.

* * *

Eleanor slipped her nightgown back on and went to sit on the settee. John had fallen asleep right away- after he had held her and spoke words of comfort to her, his tender affection and regard for her made plainly evident in the aftermath of their liaison.

She opened the curtain to look at the moon, allowing her to lose herself in her thoughts. She did not know how long she sat there, crying softly, but she found that she could not stop.

John approached her, "Sweetheart," he said, keeling beside her. "What is the matter?"

"Do you remember that time in Edinburgh? When you found me crying in the middle of the night?"

"Of course, I do," he reached for her hand. "It was the first time I fully realized that jealousy was not the first emotion I felt in regard to you."

She sniffed hard. "I know. I hated that I hurt you, just by being with him."

"I know you did," John said, squeezing her hand. "I saw it that night- and I saw the beauty you had within you. The sweet loveliness that endears us all to you. What made you think of that night?"

She wiped at her eye with her other hand. "It was also the first time...Jamie and I..." she paused.

"Had it this way betwix you?" John said, rising to sit next to her. "I don't know if I should be honored or offended that this is where your mind went."

"Please don't be offended," Eleanor said, her voice low, "I am just trying to process."

He nodded, "Do you feel well? Physically...I did not...I mean...you said you liked it...was that not true?"

"It was true," She paused and then titled her head, "I'll let you know in the morning how I feel."

"How do you feel right now?"

"My emotions feel more raw right now than any physical affects. Remember how I wanted to keep parts of myself from you?"

He nodded. "Was this one of them?"

She nodded.

"Then why did you consent?"

"Because I felt that you needed it...and I care for you...and to be honest, I wanted it as well."

"So what's the issue?"

She shrugged, "I cannot say. It doesn't have to be rational to feel a certain way," she wiped her eyes. "You are just going to have to let me."

He reached for her, pulling her against him, "Then allow me to hold you and let you feel what you do."

And yet again, he held her as she wept out her feelings of frustration, regret and despair.

"I know I am not what you want," she whispered. "I'm so sorry for that."

"Sh," he hushed her. "The only thing that I know for certain that I do want is your happiness, Eleanor. And on my honor, I will not rest until I see you content." he pulled her away from him and dipped her chin up with his hand, "I am as confounded as you are about tonight and why I needed it...Just do not draw away from me. Will you promise me?"

She nodded, "I promise you. I will not draw away."

* * *

"Mama," Mac whispered. "Mama, I need ye."

Eleanor turned over onto her side, struggling to open her eyes. "Mac, darling. What is wrong?"

Mac's lip trembled. "What if something happens to Da?"

She sat up in bed. "Da is fine, Mac."

Mac burst into tears. "I dinna think he is."

"Honey," Eleanor reached for him, picking him up and holding him close, shocked. John stirred sitting up.

"Is it Sam?" he asked.

Eleanor held Mac close. "It's Mac."

"Mac?" John sat up and reached to light the lamp next to him, the room lighting up. He grabbed his dressing gown and wrapped it around him and then took the lamp around the bed to sit next to Eleanor as she was holding her oldest son.

"Can you tell me why you think something is wrong with Da?" Eleanor asked, her voice strained at how upset he was.

Mac shook his head and buried it against her.

John put a hand on Eleanor's arm to get her attention and then shook his head, a silent message not to let her emotions overtake her. John waited a few minutes and then put his hand out to rub his stepson's hair. "James."

Mac stopped crying to turn his head towards John. It was rare that anybody used his given name- sometimes Mama and Da, but only when they were angry. "Aye?"

"Was your dream very real?" John asked, his voice soothing.

Mac nodded. "Verra."

"Will you not tell us what it was about?" he said.

"She...it was about her. She took us again. And then she took Da. She wanted to make us king. I had to be strong, but I was so verra scared."

Eleanor shuddered as John's hand remained on Mac's head.

"I see," he said, seriously. "Does it feel like that might actually happen again?"

"I ken she is dead, but the dream...it seemed verra real. Da promised nothin would happen again, but he isna here. And I want him here. I canna keep them safe. And I canna be upset that he is gone because then Rosie and Sam cry more."

"That is a dilemma," John said seriously, rubbing his head. "One that you and I should thoroughly discuss. But you are tired now and it must be hard to think with your head."

"Aye," Mac said. "Tis so."

"For now, for tonight only, how about you sleep on the settee in here? You can use one of the blankets on our bed. Then you'll know that you are safe and if you need us, we will be close by. And in the morning, you and I can talk further."

Mac nodded. Eleanor whispered over his head, "Thank you."

John nodded and then took Mac from Eleanor's arms.

* * *

John had his hand on Mac's shoulder as they took a walk through the grove. "Do you often have dreams?" John asked, his demeanor relaxed and easy.

"Aye," Mac nodded.

"What do you usually do when you do?" John prompted.

"Go back to sleep. Count to one hundred."

"What made you come to Mama last night?"

"I thought somehin was wrong with Da." Mac frowned, "I still kinda do."

"Your Da is perfectly capable of taking care of himself," John said.

"I ken, but sometimes bad things happen," Mac said, seriously.

John gestured for him to sit in the grass amid the grove. He sat down next to him. "You are absolutely correct, James. Sometimes bad things do happen. Like when you were taken from your parents...and Sam and Rosie."

"I was sad but I had to pretend not to be," Mac said, quietly. "Sam kept crying. I had to help take care of him. And Rosie was such a wee un. There was no un to hold her. She had a nurse, but they dinna allow her to be with Rosie unless she needed fed. I tried to take care of her."

"That was very brave and mature of you to do so," John said. "But you do know that you no longer have to take on the responsibility of your siblings. Your mama is here. And I am too. If you are feeling sad or upset or worried, then I do not want you to hide it any longer because you think you have to be strong for Sam and Rosie and Hope."

Mac paused. "But I am the oldest. I have to be."

"Yes, you are," John said, seriously, "And being the oldest will naturally come with some added responsibilities just as my brother is responsible for our family. But Mac that is many years from now. You are only six years old. You need to be a boy. To run around and amuse yourself. To learn your lessons. To fight with your brother and sisters. To get into mischief and trouble. To climb up in your mama's nap if you are hurting or upset. You are brave, James Mackenzie, but being brave doesn't mean that you have to act twice your age. You need to be free to make mistakes and let the adults worry if need be. Trust me, your mama can worry for the lot of you." John let out a breath, "Do you at all understand what I am saying?"

Mac looked at him seriously and nodded. "I'm awfully tired of bein gut all the time."

John laughed, "I'm so pleased to hear that."

Mac plopped back on the grass, "Lord John?"

"Yes, Mac?"

"Mama smiles again now."

John reached down to ruffle his hair, "I know. I'm glad for it. Your mama has a beautiful smile...and a beautiful soul."

"She's the best," Mac said, fervently.

"I have to say I agree with your assessment, Mac." John said. He rose. "Now, I do believe that William wanted to go riding today. Would you like to join us?"

Mac gave a wide smile, "Aye, please."

"Very good," John put his hand on his head and guided Mac back to the house, the boy chattering all the way home.

**A/N**: Thoughts?


	29. Chapter 29

A/N: Thank you for those who took the time to review the last chapter. This chapter became like three chapters long. But it made sense as one installment, so...here it is. As a warning, there are some adult things happening, but nothing explicit...and I _think_ it remained true to both of their characters...and the time in which they live. Reality has hit this chapter and it's not pretty...see what you think! Would love your thoughts!

Happy Valentine's Day...and END OF DROUGHTLANDER!

**Chapter 29**:

As the weeks turned into months, Eleanor and John only grew closer. She could feel her soul settling with him as the children adapted to their new life. While the day to day was chaotic with the children, the harmony and closeness between her and John was always a welcome retreat. During the day, he often sought her out to check in with a quiet, bolstering word or a laugh over the children's antics. In the quiet after the children were finally asleep, they went to the library in easy companionship- going over the particulars of the day, reading and discussing literature, writing letters, playing chess, much like they had in Jamaica. And when they retired for the night, they found each other again, in the intimacy they shared in their bed. It was during those quiet moments of connection between them throughout the day, that she felt peace...almost as if she found the place where she belonged.

They had tiny disagreements. John was far more strict than she was with the children, but oddly, had a greater level of patience in his correction than she did. He never lost his temper with them- he defined steadiness. Unlike him, Ellie often found herself overwhelmed by the task of mothering their lively brood and could become short tempered and snap at the children especially when they were being so difficult. Then in the moments where she was close to tears, her voice raised beyond the acceptable level for a lady of this time, she would have to remind herself that they were part hers and part Jamie's, and it was never going to be easy with those genes. In those times, she would step away, Susanna or one of the others filling in, to find Lord John for reassurances that she wasn't the world's most awful mother and to lose one's temper especially when so heavily provoked was only human.

But it wasn't easy for John either. Eleanor was still very inclined to offer the children multiple chances...to cajole and reason with them... even if it compromised her sanity. She tried to intervene on the children's behalf, before he resorted to their agreed upon methods of discipline, but his godson often found himself on the end of some well deserved smacks, especially when his tantrums tore up the house...or physically lashed out against Eleanor. She knew that John was earnestly seeking to find the balance of what he felt right as a man and now a stepfather while navigating between her and Jamie's difference in child rearing philosophies, trying to honor the trust Jamie gave him in leaving the children with him, but not to completely discount Eleanor's tendency towards grace.

John had even managed to find a tutor whose was more progressive in his thought and whom Eleanor trusted to guide William and Mac in their learning and also how to grow up to be as Jamie would call it- _men of worth_.

Eleanor gravitated to the home more than he did, but with the right coaxing, she attended a fair amount of functions with him and they hosted some as well.

So while they had their moments when they struggled to find their way with each other, all in all, they didn't have any of the passionate rows that she and Jamie used to have.

_Until.._.

"Ellie," William came running in, Mac on his heels.

Eleanor reached for William, who had taken, with her blessing and John's allowance, to calling her Ellie. He had accepted easily her role as his stepmother, their bond cemented in Jamaica. She put her hands on his shoulders, "Slow down, William. What has happened?"

His tutor had been called back home on an urgent family matter and John was out visiting a neighboring plantation. She had sent the boys out on a walk with Susanna.

"They captured him!" William said.

Eleanor titled her head, "Whom are you talking about?" she asked, quizzically.

"Mr. Smith, he captured the slave that was missing from Red Hill- Isaac."

"They're going to whip him, Mama," Mac looked at her with wide eyes.

"And then take him back. They're going to string him up, Ellie," William said. "Mac thinks that's wrong, but I don't know what to think. It _is_ the law."

Eleanor bit her lip, her heart sinking. She turned to Susanna, whose face was pale. "How much did the boys witness?"

"They just heard them talkin and planning," Susanna said. "But...they are gonna to do as they say. Not the first time this happened and there was a scuffle when they captured him. I don't know if they will wait for Lord John. That was part of the talk."

"I see," Eleanor reached for her wrap, her manner far more calm than the panic and dread she felt. "Susanna, would you please watch the children for me?"

"What are you goin to do?" Susanna asked.

"I'm going to see Mr. Smith," Eleanor said, "I don't know what I can do, but I can at least buy us some time. Lord John should be returning soon," She flung her wrap around her shoulders.

"Ellie," William frown was deep and he looked a lot like Jamie Fraser did when he was perturbed at her, "I do not think this is wise. Papa would be most displeased for you to get involved."

"I do thank you for your opinion, William, my dear, but I must do what I feel like is right- in my heart. I cannot in good conscious know this is happening and do nothing. It goes against everything I believe to be true and right and just. Do you understand?"

"I do," William nodded, for he had learned in the past months with Eleanor, is that she had very strong opinions about the equality and due respect to all persons. "But the law says..."

"I know, William. I happen to believe the law is wrong," She leaned to pick up Hope who was pulling up at her feet. "Come here, Hope, my love."

"But..." William protested, even more peturbed with her. "You have no choice but to follow the law."

"We do have many choices in this life, William," Eleanor said, kissing Hope.

"Mistress," Susanna looked shocked, "What are you doin with that babe?"

"There is no way that Mr. Smith will beat him in front of a woman and a baby. It simply would be distasteful."

"Mistress, ye gamble. Lord John willna be please that you put yourself and you daughter in danger..." Susanna protested.

Eleanor covered Hope with her wrap, "It is a risk I am willing to take. Boys, do behave while I am gone." She left without another word.

Mac turned to his stepbrother, his faced etched with concern, "I dinnae think mama kens what she is doin. Mister Smith looked awfully mad. What canna she do? Do ye think he'll hurt mama, too?"

"Do not worry, Mac," William straightened his back. "I'll ride out to get Papa. You stay here with Susanna and watch Rosie and Sam."

"But," Mac looked to William, "Will Mama be alright?"

William put a hand on his stepbrother's shoulder. He leaned down, "Of course, she will. I am a fast rider. I can get to Papa. He'll know what to do. He always knows what to do. He isn't going to let anything happen to her."

Mac nodded, but then allowed Susanna to put her arm around him.

"Ride fast, Master William," Susanna said, urgently, "Ride like the wind."

* * *

John's heart nearly stopped when he saw his stepson riding full speed. "William! What is the meaning of this?"

William dismounted easily. "Papa, you must come."

"You looked panicked," John said, "Take a breath. What on earth is wrong?"

"Mama...she..." William struggled to catch his breath.

It was the first time William referred to Eleanor as Mama.

"Take another breath," John commanded, his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Catch your breath and then tell me what the matter is."

As usual, Lord John was completely in control and calm- stoic in his demeanor, but while he did not show William, he was anxious for he knew that for William to be this panicked, something must be greatly amiss.

William waited a moment and then said, urgently, "Mr. Smith captured the slave...you know the one that ran away from Red Hill. She is going to try to stop him from returning him. She took Hope."

"Forgive me," John was aghast, "She did what?" He didn't think he misheard William, but he couldn't fathom that Eleanor would act so recklessly...especially to involve their youngest child.

"She took Hope to try to stop Mr. Smith from whipping him. She said she had to act with what she felt was right and that the law was wrong, but..." William shuffled at John's raised eyebrow.

"Did she say that to you?" John said, trying to take care to not show judgement, especially against Eleanor.

"Yes and I do not think this will end well, especially if she says it to Mister Smith. Mama doesn't understand that women shouldn't get involved in such things."

"Eleanor will always have strong opinions on matters and she is free to think and feel as she does. But, you are correct. To get involved will not be looked well upon," John tried to be calm, but he was concerned.

"She doesn't know I came for you, sir. I hope I will not upset her by doing so."

"I'm sure not," John put an arm around his son, "You did well to come to me, William. I am proud of you. It shows I can trust the man you are becoming. Eleanor will be touched that you cared so much for her well being- she loves you so. Now come. We must hurry."

They rode hard to return to their home to be greeted by Eleanor and Mr. Smith, exchanging heated words with one another. Eleanor's voice was not raised, but her tone was clearly angry. Hope began to cry, Eleanor shuffling her to her other hip. Things were getting out of hand, quickly. John arrived just in time to hear his overseer threatened his wife. He dismounted quickly.

"That is quite enough," John said, his voice commanding. "I thank you not to speak to my wife in that manner." He reached for Eleanor's arm, pulling her to his side. "Hand me Hope," he said, his tone leaving no room for argument. She gave Hope to him.

"The child is cold," John frowned at her as he took the baby from her.

"Papa," Hope said in her tiny baby voice as her tiny fingers gripped his coat. After Jamie left, Eleanor and him had a sincere, honest discussion about both of their expectations when it came to Hope. Hope had to feel like she had a father and since Jamie could not claim her, with John's blessing, Eleanor began to refer to him as Papa to Hope. As such, while Hope's first word had been, "No", it had been followed directly by Papa and since discovering it, she was begin to using both with high frequency. She was beginning to find her voice and John had taken great care to cultivate the bond between him and his stepdaughter, fulfilling his vow to Eleanor that he made the day of Hope's birth. The other children still called him Lord John and Ellie and him were content not to push any one of the children as long as each child was respectful to both of their authority to parent them just as they had with William and her.

John took care to moderate his expression, not wishing the child to be distressed. He managed a smile at his daughter. "It's time to go home, Hope," he said, his voice calm. "I'm sure Rosie misses you."

"William," he turned to his stepson, "Will you not take your sister back to the house? You can leave your horse for Lady John."

He gave Hope to William, who glanced at Eleanor. Eleanor's face was clearly anxious, but she managed a weak, comforting smile to William. She reached to take off her wrap. "Here, William. Your Papa is right. Hope is cold. I did not realize it was so raw today."

William took the garment and wrapped it around Hope.

"Thank you, William," Eleanor said, quietly, reaching out to rub his arm, affectionately. She had picked up on William's discomfort with her and longed to put him at ease. John was keenly aware of the exchange and though he was quite put out with his wife at the moment, his heart yielded slightly to his her kindhearted gesture. Eleanor was a far better mother than she gave herself credit for...especially in the moments that mattered the most.

William nodded at his stepmother, "Come on Hope. Let's go play with your toys."

Hope began to babble at William as they walked away, him holding Hope very carefully.

"Now, then," John turned to the others, his hand going to rest Eleanor's arm, protectively, "What _is_ the meaning of this?"

* * *

"What in God's name were you thinking?" John asked as he slammed the door shut of the library. "It is simply not done, Eleanor. Not done at all." His voice wasn't raised, but he was furious with her, she could tell that.

"Well maybe it should be done!" Eleanor's voice raised.

"It is dreadful enough that you would insert yourself in the middle of that situation, but to involve our daughter..." John looked at her, shaking his head in disbelief, "She is a baby, Eleanor."

"She doesn't know what is going on. She didn't see anything inappropriate."

"She could have. She is at such a tender age. She is becoming more and more aware every day. You couldn't have known how the situation could escalate. You willingly brought our child into a dangerous situation."

"It wasn't dangerous."

"Eleanor," John struggled to take hold of his temper, "Even William knew the potential of that...he understood that it was not to be done..._a child not yet a man_."

Eleanor crossed her arms, shivering still from the cold. She had been outside too long without her wrap and she was chilled. "I suppose you think I am setting a bad example for William."

"I think nothing of the sort," John said, stepping forward to grip her arm, guiding her towards the warm fire, "He knows you well enough that your actions were heartfelt...as do I...and perhaps that has some value. But he was worried about you because for only being in his life for a few months, he loves you, Eleanor. He knew that you were treading into dangerous waters. And he was right. Right now I have furious terminated overseerer and what is to follow is surely irate neighbors, a mob, and when such tension on one side leads to unrest, then that can even provoke a revolt and that is what none of us can afford!"

"You also have a man whose life lays in the balance!" She said, fervently, her face now flushed from the heat of the fire and the anxiety over the situation. "Surely that trumps everything else."

"Great God in heaven, this could escalate beyond what we can imagine right now..." John retorted, "Can you not heed what I am telling you? I have lived through a slave rebellion in Jamaica. Unrest is not good for any of us, Eleanor. And unfortunately, the law is not on our side."

"The law!" Eleanor exclaimed, "The law is so screwed up, John. He is just as human as you or I...or the scottish prisoners the English deemed as less than human. English law and the execution of said law as been known to be horribly unjust and inhumane."

John's eyes widened, "How dare you imply..."

"Oh I dare...I dare very much," Eleanor interrupted, her voice raising.

"Well, perhaps, you should not," John said, his voice lowering, becoming very quiet. "You speak of what you do not fully understand. And I cannot believe you would say such things to William, without at least having the courtesy to discuss it with me. Regardless of that, I do realize how much this situation distresses you. I know you want to change matters. And I will work towards a solution. But you must give me your word, that you will not leave this house until I return. Can you do that?"

She paused and then shook her head no.

"If you leave and try to follow me and interfere again, there will be consequences, Eleanor. For you. For us. For people under our care. I need you to heed my warning and listen to what I am telling you. Please promise me you will."

She remained quiet.

His voice was still very low, but each word was punctuated for emphasis. "I believe most whole heartedly that it is now a matter of trust and honor betwix you and I. Do you understand my meaning?"

Eleanor's heart twisted, anxiously.

"John...you cannot understand how important this is...to raise our children in a way that values the life of all persons," Eleanor's voice cracked.

"That is a conversation for another time...one that I am most willing to have with you, Lady John. But I still require your assurances that you will remain here...where it is safe."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Just do not return him. Please. I will stay here if you give me your word that you will not give him back."

He stared at her, not quite believing the lengths she was pushing him to. "I will not lie to you to ensure your cooperation. Truthfully speaking, I simply cannot guarantee that outcome," he finally said.

"Then, in turn, I cannot give you my word that I will stay here and not try to interfere."

John let out a frustrated groan. "Great God in heaven, woman, I need you to think about what you are saying."

"I have thought about it," Eleanor said.

"Rationally, think of it..." John countered, glaring. "What can you possibly accomplish even if you do try to interfere? You are only a woman. That means very little in this time," he told her, bluntly.

She swallowed hard, "A man's life is worth the risk."

He swept over to her, gripping her wrist and pulling her close to him. He leaned into her ear, "If you play with fire, you will get burned. Stay here. Or I will make sure I fulfill _all_ my husbandly duties in order to teach you that playing with fire is most unwise."

"Do not threaten me into obedience," Eleanor said, "That is Jamie's tactic, not yours."

He titled his head, "You have left me no choice. You are misreading the situation. Tensions are rampant. If you cause further escalation, then I do not know what will happen next. It is too risky. If you follow me, I will make sure that you will rue the consequences. You will remain here like I have requested until I return. Do not cross me, Ellie. It will not serve you well."

She stared at him for a few moments. John was just as formidable as Jamie, even more so, and she had no doubt that in a battle between two of them, no matter how just her cause was, she would not win.

"Fine..." she grunted. "I'll stay."

John's look softened. "I took no pleasure in that. You must know."

She glared at him, but sunk down in the nearby sofa.

"You will stay."

"Yes, John, I told you."

He looked at her skeptically, "Eleanor..."

"John, I told you I would stay," Eleanor snapped at him. "For the love of God, just go."

He gave her one more look, but in his heart, he knew...she was going to break her word to him...unless he took further action. Years of deception had taught him how to read people quite well and his wife was no exception.

He closed the doors behind him, "Tom, lock her in here. Ensure she does not leave."

"My Lord..." Tom straightened, "You will need me to come with you."

"I need Lady John not to more than I need you to come," John said. "Do not let her leave. I do not know how this will end."

"Yes, my Lord," Tom said, quietly. "Be safe."

He nodded and then left.

* * *

"Jamie!" John dismounted from his horse to greet his friend, "My God, what are you doing here?"

"It's a rather long story. We canna stay longer than a day," Jamie said, looking around his surroundings, "What did we run into?"

"A runaway slave from nearby plantation was captured on our land. Eleanor overstepped with our overseer."

Jamie grimaced, "What will you do?"

John looked resolute, "What I must. Offer to buy him."

"That will cause more tension with you and the other land owners," Jamie said, slowly, "They can demand your arrest. Threaten your property. That is what we faced at River Run."

"Yes, I am aware of all of that, but I must try for Eleanor," John said, quietly, "Or I fear she will never forgive me."

"Where is she?" Jamie asked, "She is safe, is she no? It looked like a mob was gathering earlier. Headed in the opposite direction from your land though."

"Lead my our overseer, whom I promptly dismissed, when he threatened my wife," John said. "I can only presume they are going to share the news with the owners at Red Hill. Good Lord, she has caused such a ruckus."

"But she tucked away safe, aye?"

"I locked her in the study," John said, honestly.

Jamie exchanged a look with Claire and glanced at Young Ian, whose mouth dropped open in dismay.

"Auntie willna like that," he muttered to Claire who put a hand on his arm.

Jamie gave his nephew a look of warning to keep his opinions to himself, but then turned back to his friend.

"I must ask," Jamie patted his arm and then guided him away from the others. "Did you per chance, make sure the window was locked?"

John let out an incredulous groan, "Surely, she would not climb out of the window. Even Eleanor must know how ridiculous that is."

Jamie titled his head, "She would, John. I have no doubt in my mind."

"But she gave me her word."

"Eleanor's sense of justice and abiding by one's word isna the same of ours," Jamie let out a breath, "She will try at first, but the more she thinks upon it, and the more panicked she will become...do you honestly think she is capable of not following? Eleanor dinna heed orders weel. And besides the lass does believe that this is a horrible injustice."

"I told her how dangerous this situation has become."

"She dinna realize the danger fully, John. Not like Claire does. She lived in a world that was less harsh in its consequences. It's why I became heavy handed with her at times," Jamie said, his voice low. "I'll send Claire and Young Ian on to the children. And I'll come with you...in case Eleanor tries to come. Ye willna need the distraction and Eleanor will certainly need prodding to return home."

"Very well," John nodded, "I will welcome your presence, Jamie. Thank you."

"Verra gut," Jamie said, patting his arm.

* * *

Eleanor approached the crowd at Red Hill. What she saw tore her heart. She pushed through the men with torches to see John, trying to reason with Mr. Johnson, the owner of Red Hill. John met her eyes, his own eyes livid as the crowd pushed her and jostled her. He leaned to give a quiet word to him and then bounded down the stairs of the planation to grasp the arm of his wife, dragging her to the side, away from the crowds.

"I told you to stay put, Lady John," his voice was stern. His expression was stoic, but she knew from his stance that he was livid. "You broke your word to me. Do you not see how dangerous this is for you now? You are a woman. And these men are hungry for blood."

Eleanor tugged the ribbon to her new midnight blue hooded cape. The cape's hood prettily framed her face and the blue of the cape sharpened the blue in her eyes. John even had to admit that he had never seen Eleanor look so stunningly lovely.

"What is happening?" she whispered, urgently.

"He is going to be whipped and hung, Eleanor," John said, his voice factual. "There was nothing I could do."

"John," Eleanor gasped. "That's awful. You must do something."

John tightly gripped her arm, "The mob is ready to burn him alive. They will torture him. He assaulted the men who was trying to arrest him. One man's ear received twenty stitches. Did you know that?"

"No, but..." Eleanor struggled to breathe, "Look at the reason why he escaped to begin with. Desperation leads people to places...I would feel similar as I'm sure you would. Can you truly not show empathy?"

"Empathy?" John asked. "You do not understand the gravity of these crimes."

"But...surely, compassion...can we all not just..."

"Ellie, I am doing what I can to give him a less painful death," John said, bluntly. "I will carry out his sentence myself. It's the best I can do. My hands are tied."

"Lord John," Eleanor couldn't contain her horror. "Please."

"Look around," John said, his voice low, "You have caused this unrest by your meddling into matters you truly have no understanding of. I will not have myself arrested or our property stripped by not following the law. Now, I need you to take your leave."

"No," Eleanor said.

"I swear to God in heaven, I will beat you tonight, if you do not remove yourself from this situation."

"I do not care," Eleanor retorted.

"If you do not leave out of her own volition, then I will have to see you home. And if so, then I cannot guarantee that these other men will not take justice into their own hands before I return."

She swallowed hard, "This is ridiculous. I cannot stand by... I will go, but I will not go quietly."

"You will not say a word to anyone," John said, "I have been very measured with you, Eleanor, but I do have a side that you do not wish to see."

Jamie came up beside them enough to catch that last exchange. He did not think either of them would act on such threats, but he knew the sooner he removed Eleanor from the situation, the better it was for all involved. The crowd had been growing restless, closing in on them.

"Eleanor," he said, his voice low. "Ye need to come with me now."

"Jamie," Eleanor turned her head, her mouth opening in shock. "_What are you doing here?_"

"I'll explain later, but we need to leave. Come, mo ghraidh," he said reaching out to take his hand in hers. He gripped it tightly, trying to get her out of her frozen horror of what was to come. "Come. Let me take ye home."

"No!" Mr. Smith stepped forward. "She should have to watch._ Slave sympathizer_."

"Tread carefully, Mr. Smith. You have already threatened my wife once today."

"Did ye now?" Jamie said, his eyebrow raised, assessing the man.

"Justice must be done!" Mr. Smith called out, emboldened by the mob behind him. Their former overseer reached to grab her arm as the mob closed in, but Jamie put his body in front of her and John reached to roughly pull her body into his arms, his arms tight around her, ready to pick her up and flee with her if need be.

"Aye," Jamie's voice rang out, "And justice will be done. But if any one of ye touch dares to touch this woman or bring harm to Lord John and I will kill ye with my bare hands," he yelled out, forcibly, his eyes dark, his stature tall. "Do not trifle with me. I will protect this woman until I have no breath left in my being. Now I ken I am outnumbered, but I can strike down a few of ye before ye stop me. Which one of ye wants to forfeit yer life tonight?"

It was in that moment of fierceness that Eleanor saw Red Jamie, the highland warrior. And she had no doubt that he would act on his threat. Jamie was fiercely protective of the ones he loved.

"We want no trouble from you," one of the men said as the mob backed up to give them their space again. They began to talk amongst themselves, the discord stirring again.

"Verra gut, come, mo ghraidh," Jamie took her from John's grasp and then put his arm around her shoulders. "I have ye now."

"We have to do something," Eleanor said to Jamie. "Please, James."

"I ken this is too much fer ye to bear, leannan, but ye canna say anything more. We must leave now."

"No, Jamie, we cannot leave," she whispered to him, frantically, "We must try to...you could..."

"No, ye canna do anything else," He began to drag her away, but John suddenly reached out to stop them, having overheard Eleanor's pleads with Jamie.

"She should stay."

Jamie spun around to face his friend. He titled his head, his eyes wide, in shock, "Ye canna be serious, man."

"I tried to protect her from this, but she chose not to heed my direction."

"She canna bear this, John. No. I dinnae think this is wise. I have spent the last five years shielding her from moments like these."

"And perhaps, that was unwise," John said, quietly, "I do thank you for your opinion, Mr. Fraser, but she is my wife and I am the one she has wronged by following even though I explicitly told her not to. She should stay to know that I am acting honorably and in fairness with what the law requires of me."

Jamie looked grim, but nodded at his friend, "Aye, Lord John. Verra weel. I'll stay with her."

"Take her home when it is done. I will need to make further arrangements."

Eleanor met John's eyes. "Please, this is not honorable or fair." She reached out to grip his arm, hard.

"You will not cause a scene," John admonished, his voice low as he gently removed her hand from his arm and left them without another word.

"Fer all of our sakes, be quiet," Jamie told her, firmly, as he moved closer to her side. Eleanor's eyes fixated on the scene unraveling. Her heart jumped through its chest as she watched with horror. As they tied his arms together to the post, Eleanor panicked.

"Jamie," Eleanor's voice shook.

"I ken," Jamie's arms came around her, holding her tightly against him. "I have ye, mo ghraidh. I willna let ye go. If it becomes too much, bury yer head in my shoulder."

Later, Jamie tenderly held her head while she retched on the side of the road. And then he gathered her up into his arms as he would one of their children and let her sob out her anguish.

When she had finished, he pulled her away from him. "We need to talk, lassie."

She nodded and then Jamie guided her to a nearby log, pushing her down to sit. Her cape pooled around her and she took down her hood. They were quiet in each other's presence for a few minutes before Jamie broke the silence.

"Fer Christ's sake, lass, did ye not learn anything in the past six years as my wife?"

Eleanor buried her head in her hands, "I am not wrong."

"Ach, lass, in another place and another time, aye. We all ken that ye are not wrong, but ye cannot be right in this time and in this place. Do ye not remember yer lessons from this period in history or are ye choosin to ignore it?"

"I'm just trying to make a difference that I can."

"But this isna a difference ye can make. Lord John is right, Ellie. It could have been so much worse. When we were at River Run, they impaled a man named Rufus with a metal hook and was about to cut off his ear, when Claire and I intervened. We took him into River Run, but I was going to be arrested if we did not turn him over."

"My God," Eleanor gagged, "What did you do?"

Jamie reached for her her hand, "Claire gave him poison to end his life and we turned over his body. They strung him up."

"My God," Eleanor leaned over, unable to stop the rapid beating of her heart, "I cannot breathe, Jamie."

In a instant, Jamie tipped her head up, "Look me in the eyes. I need ye to breathe. Take a long breath in. And now out. Now, Eleanor, do it again. _Breathe._"

Eleanor managed to take shuddering breaths. "My chest feels tight."

Jamie's brow furrowed in concern, "Yer just having one of yer panic episodes," he said, quietly. "Do I need to get Lord John?"

She shook her head, quickly, "He is busy."

"He would want to ken," Jamie said, his hand on her arm.

"He's pissed off at me," Eleanor held her breath, her head pounding.

Jamie made his typical Scottish guttural noise he was so apt to do when he disapproved."Fer Christ sake, Eleanor, dinna hold yer breath. _Breathe_."

She took another long breath in and out.

"That's better," Jamie said, "Now..." he nudged her, "Leannan, ye need to calm yerself."

Tears spilled over, "I want to go home. I want to go home to my time, Jamie."

"Ach, lass," Jamie put his hands on her shoulders, "Now, I suspect ye do at the moment. And I canna say I blame ye. But we have four bairns that depend upon ye, Ellie. Ye were sent to our time fer a purpose. And if the gut Lord wanted ye to return, ye would have been able to do so, that first night."

"Does it really work like that?" Eleanor asked, despairingly, "Or is it just something we say to make us feel better?"

"God always kens what he is doin. Ye believe that as weel as I do," Jamie said, looking into her eyes, reaching to wipe her tears, "The truth is that isna that ye canna live in this time...it is that ye willna abide by the direction of the ones who want to ensure that ye can adapt to living during this time."

"That's a kind way of saying I should have listened to Lord John," Eleanor said, swallowing down the lump in her throat, trying to contain her tears.

"Aye, ye should have," Jamie said, "Ye dinna always ken what is best, Eleanor. I dinna wish to wound ye further, but ye need to hear this now. Listen to my words and ken that they are meant for yer gut."

"I'm listening," she sniffed hard.

"This is a dangerous time to be in the colonies. War is coming. And ye will need to allow Lord John to guide ye in all things. For the sake of our family, I need ye to abide, Eleanor. I consented to this marriage because I thought ye would. Ye respect him enough to do so. Ye did yerself and him a disservice today. Dinna let it happen again."

"But it wasn't about John...it was bigger than John and I."

"Ach, leannan, if ye cannot see that it was, then ye and John have a much larger issue between ye. I ken it hurts ye fer me to say so, but I care aboot both of ye too much fer me not to speak the truth to ye."

She swallowed hard and nodded, knowing the truth of his words. She afraid to speak for fear that she would fall to pieces again. It took her a few minutes to ask, "May I ask your opinion then?"

"Of course, ye ken I am always happy to give my opinion," he said, wryly, trying to lighten her mood...rather unsuccessfully.

She bit her lip, gathering her courage, "Why do you see it as a matter between John and I?"

"Ye broke trust between the two of ye. It isna about obedience, it is aboot trust. It was what I tried to get through to ye when we were marrit. I ken today dinnae start as such, but ye canna dismiss it, Eleanor. Lord John will see it that way and he isna wrong."

Her voice cracked, "He said as much before he left."

"And ye still came?" Jamie shook his head, wearily at her. "Fer Christ sake, Eleanor. I dinnae ken what possess ye some days."

She fell silent again, broken by the events of today. Finally, she couldn't take the tension between the two of them, not with John so clearly upset with her.

"Don't be angry with me," she pleaded, "I couldn't bear if both you and John were put out by me."

"Ach, sweet lass, I am not angry with ye," Jamie reassured, a heavy hand on her knee, "Dinna fash. Ye and I are weel. I'm more concerned fer the reasons I mentioned before."

Eleanor shifted, "You wouldn't try to take the children?"

"Of course not," Jamie said, gruffly, "Ye and John will settle the matters between ye like ye and I used to do. And ye and him will be stronger on the other side of it." He reached out to squeeze her hand. "Dinna fash, mo ghraidh. I canna bear to see you so downtrodden."

Eleanor still looked distraught, but didn't say anything else. After a few minutes, Jamie spoke again,

"Do ye feel weel enough to travel home?" Jamie asked, his voice kind, knowing his words stung her deeply. "Did yer stomach settle?"

"Yes," her voice cracked.

Jamie put his arm around her, "Verra gut." He kissed her head, "Let's take ye home."

* * *

Eleanor twisted her hands as she sat in the library, pale faced and clearly unable to hide her anxiety. Jamie's eyes were steady on her.

"Ye are thinkin on it again," he said, knowingly."It's whirling around in that bonny heid of yers."

"I really messed up," Eleanor said, her voice low. "I'm realizing how fully I did. I acted stupidly not to let John handle it. To go against him in that moment...it's unforgivable."

"Weel, aye, it wasna yer finest moment," Jamie nodded. "Of course, ye should have abided fer yer own safety and that of our family. Ye acted impulsively and inserted yerself in a situation that was never gonna be solved in the outcome ye wished. But I dinna think Lord John willna forgive ye, lassie. He cares aboot ye too much fer that."

"Those memories are ingrained in my head," Eleanor said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temples, "I cannot get them out. I feel such...sorrow...for it all."

"Ach, I ken," Jamie went over to sit next to her. "Mo ghraidh," his voice was low. He began to speak Gaelic to her, his hand on her arm, rubbing it gently. Jamie would always speak Gaelic to her when she was distraught and even though she didn't know what half of the words meant, the language soothed her soul.

"Jamie..."

"Aye?"

"John is going to hate me," Eleanor murmured. "Don't you think?"

"Nah," Jamie shook his head, "Ye are impossible to hate. He is angry with ye fer certain, but his temper will cool...in time."

"You don't have to stay here with me," Eleanor said, softly. "You should go to the children."

"They are weel with Young Ian and Claire. Being here with ye is important too. And I promised Lord John I would remain with ye until he returns."

"I should have done more."

His hand was still on her arm rubbing it, soothingly. "Ye couldna have done more than ye did, Eleanor."

She nodded.

"The fight canna be yers...it is not the right time," Jamie said, "And that is the weight of history- the burden ye must bear."

"How do I bear that burden?" Eleanor sobbed.

"Ye do it by leanin on the uns that love ye, lassie...and us all bearin it together."

She covered his hand with her other hand and sighed, her head dropping on his shoulder. "Help me. I feel so out of control."

"I'm here," he soothed, his hand rubbing the side of her head in comfort, allow the liberty.

They sat like that for a while, before John came in, Eleanor's head rising from Jamie's shoulder as he did.

"Thank you, Jamie, for keeping watch," he said.

"Aye, of course," Jamie rose.

Eleanor did as well. Jamie leaned down to kiss her cheek. "Dinnae fash aboot the children. I am eager to spend as much time in the next day that I can before we have to move on."

"You will tell us what is going on, won't you?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "But ye have enough to fash over at the moment."

"True," Eleanor said, not even able to look at John. "_Ceud taing_, Jamie."

Jamie gave her a smile, "_Se ur beatha, mo ghraidh_"

He closed the doors firmly behind him, leaving her along with her husband.

They stood for a few minutes in each other's presence. Neither speaking...Eleanor refusing to look at him, John studying her carefully. Finally she turned and went to study the titles in the library shelf...she had to distract herself because when John got silent, it was bloody disconcerting. Her hand trembled against the shelf as she took soothing breaths.

She had the strongest urge to flee the situation...to flee him.

She quickly made the way to the door, but John's reflexes were always so quick- a well trained solider. He grabbed har around the waist before her hand could turn the door knob.

"No, I cannot allow you to flee," he said, quietly, guiding her back into the room."You will face this. If you can be so reckless in the name of bravery, then surely you can face censure from your husband."

"I cannot talk to you right now," she pleaded with him, "I have to sort my feelings about what happened."

"I understand that. You do not have to talk to me," his gaze held hers, "But you will listen to what_ I_ have to say."

"I cannot..." she wiggled out of his embrace and went back for the door.

"Great God in Heaven," John grunted and then grabbed her again, wrestling with her. Finally he carried her to the sofa, pushing her down upon it. He put a heavy hand on her shoulder, restraining her against the sofa. "If necessary, I will ensure that you stay in this room by force. I will not enjoy it, but I am stronger than you. I can easily make you comply."

She stopped struggling.

"Good," John relaxed his grip, but did not remove his hand.

"You can let go of me, now," she said. "I won't move."

"Forgive me if I do not think your word to be reliable," John said, his hand still on her shoulder.

"You know that the circumstances were unique. Let go of me."

"I do not think I will," John countered, but moved to sit beside her.

"I do not want you touching me in this moment," Eleanor said. "Let me go." She began to struggle and his grip tightened on her.

"I do not wish to hurt your shoulder, Eleanor," John said, his voice low. "but I will not let go so you better stop struggling or you _will_ hurt yourself."

She stilled.

"Now then," he relaxed his grip again, but did not let her go, "I know I said you did not have to talk, but you are no longer completely silent to me. If you wish to defend your actions, then I am listening."

She remained quiet and John continued, "Do not keep me in suspense. I am eager to hear what you have to say on the matter. You were quite talkative at Red Hill. Boldly so even in the face of clear discord. Now, I am giving you the opportunity to speak your mind and you are quiet. Forgive me, but you are quite the contradiction at times."

"I do not have to defend my actions to you," she told him.

John titled his head, "Yes, you do. We are in a marriage, Eleanor. And I need to understand what went wrong today."

"There is nothing I can say to you," Eleanor said, swallowing down bile that rose in her throat. "You just need to know that I only acted how I thought was best in the moment."

"In what _you thought_ was best," John mused. "Are you such an expert in this time and in this place that you think that you would know what was best over myself who has a great understanding of these matters having actually lived in this time for longer than six years? Do you even know what the law requires in a situation like we found ourselves in today? Do you understand the consequences of not following said law? Who are _you_ to determine what is best in this situation?"

She didn't respond and he continued,

"Do you even fathom the precarious position you put us in? I was trying to protect you. I was trying to work out a solution, one that would not be too damaging for your heart, but I needed you to give me space...and the trust to know that I would do what is right. But that is the truth of the matter, Eleanor, is that you do not believe I am capable of doing what is right for you and for our family."

"That is not true," she said, quietly. "You know that is not true."

"I know no such thing. All I know for certain is that whatever trust you and I have tried to build throughout our marriage is now been broken. And I don't know if it is capable of being repaired. Or if I even wish it to be repaired."

"John," Eleanor's voice grew suddenly weary, "This wasn't about you. You have to understand that."

"I understand that initially, it was not, but when I specifically asked you to trust me...when I said it was a matter of trust and honor between us for you to heed my word and you promised that you would and then you broke your word anyway, then it becomes very much becomes a matter between us. It's a reflection of the value you place on our marriage and on very my person. I have always believed a love that sacrifices honor is less honest than simple lust. And i liked to think...to hope that what we have between us...what we have struggled to build in these past few months... was more honest than what you showed today."

She grimaced and then turned to look at him. "Do you not understand that a man's life was at stake?" she asked, aghast.

"Of course, I do, Eleanor," John retorted. "Only a simpleton would not. But I had to act reasonably...to figure out a solution that would be amenable to _all...in this time we live_ in _under the law we live in_."

"Do you understand what is it like...for me...to live in this time? To know that things are wrong and unjust and will be looked upon as reprehensible and to remain silent? I cannot do that and it is unfair for you to ask me to."

"I understand that it must be difficult for you," John said, his voice low, "But being from the future, does not make you more righteous, Eleanor. Or more just. It certainly does not make you more honorable. It does, however, make you more knowledgeable, but that knowledge has to be used with wisdom and discernment, not as fodder to fulfill some impulsive drive to act rashly in the name of justice and truth. What I saw from you today...it was disgraceful. Your pride...your conceit...the arrogance to think you are above us all when truth be told if you had lived during this time during the entirety of your years you would probably not think twice about it all."

"I do not think that I am better than you all!"

"But you do," John said, "your inability to know your limitations...to put your truth and knowledge into perspective and to look at what can be changed in this moment. Your utter lack of discipline and respect..."

"I do not have to follow your orders. I did not with Jamie and I will not with you."

John titled his head, "That is a fair assessment. I know you did not readily with Jamie and I know he had to force his hand with you. In fact, today, I knew you were going to break your word and follow me. That is why I locked the door."

"So you didn't trust me," Eleanor said. "That is interesting."

"But I was right not to trust you," John said, firmly, "Was I not?"

Eleanor grunted.

"You can choose not to obey my orders. But then expect the consequences that come from thinking that your judgement is superior to my own. If I am wrong, Eleanor, I will say it. But I was not wrong today. This is the time you are living in. You will not change the course of history overnight. Some things you must let go of." He let out a long breath. "I needed you to trust me but you thought too highly of your own opinions to do so. We could have lost everything."

"Don't be so dramatic," Eleanor grunted.

He released his grip on her, "Ask your stepson what the consequences are for harboring a fugitive slave. It is his land that you would have stripped him of. It is my freedom you would have taken from me. It is our children who would have been left with nothing. Oh, you could have returned to Jamie and Claire and he would have taken you and the children in willingly. But for me and William, we would have borne the brunt of your willfulness."

"That would have been extreme...do you really believe that would have happened?"

"Great God, Eleanor, are you really that naive?"

"You killed a man today..."

"No, Eleanor," John retorted, his voice tense, "I carried out the order of the law."

They fell silent and John leaned forward to put his head in his hands. He took a few breaths, trying to gather himself again. When he looked up, his resolve was strong, "I do not easily open myself up to another. I have spent years hiding who I am...my feelings, my emotions. It is the only way I could be true to who I was and not bear the consequences for who I am. And if I had ever been caught, as a solider, I would have been hung, Eleanor. But like Isaac today, I always believed that the risk was worth it...to have my freedom." He paused, struggling, "I once had a lover...he betrayed me with another...and was caught. They were going to hang him, but I arranged for him to escape...it was dangerous, but...I couldn't bear him having the punishment that I also deserved."

"It is so wrong, John," Eleanor's voice was low.

"Yes, but I know that. And I kept taking the risk, knowing that pursuing freedom could result in my death. And if I had been caught, I would have taken my punishment, Eleanor. I was not afraid of it."

"Why are you telling me this?" she said, softly.

"Because," John let out a breath, "I do have empathy...and I do have compassion...and for you to think so poorly of me, I have to admit, it wounds me, Eleanor. Cuts me to the very core."

"I would never wish to..." Eleanor reached out to touch him, but dropped her hand, when he flinched.

"I have spent years hiding who I am. But with you..." He paused again, struggling, "I have given you everything I have, Eleanor. I have cared for you and your children. I have tried to mend your broken heart. I have laughed with you and held you while you cried. I have pushed you into being better because I believe that you are a woman who was destined for so much more than fate has given you. And..." he swallowed hard, "I have taken you to my bed night after night to try to build passion and intimacy between us. And it _was_ working. But today, today...you showed me how you really felt about all of this...about me."

"You have no idea how I feel about you," Eleanor said, tears forming in her eyes.

"Oh, I have some idea if today is any indication," John retorted, dryly, "Great God in heaven, Eleanor, how can I _ever_ trust you again?"

"What are you going to do?" Eleanor asked, her voice cracking. His censure was so hard to take, especially when he did not take care to ease the bluntness of his opinions. And knowing that he was right...she had taken his care and kindness and she had stomped upon it...even if that was the furthest from her intention.

John shrugged his shoulders. "At the moment, nothing. What happens next, is up to you. If you want to lead our marriage, then you lead us out of this predicament."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Eleanor asked, incredulously.

"You have all the wisdom, Eleanor, dear, I trust you will figure it out. In the meantime, I do not wish to my room with you tonight...or any night in the near future."

"Fine," Eleanor grunted. "You were just looking for an excuse to push me away."

"That is entirely untrue. I will give you some advice, Lady John. Accusations will not lead us out of this and back into harmony with each other. I suggest you try a different approach." He let go of her and stood. He bowed to here. "My lady."

He left the room without another word.

Eleanor buried her face in the sofa and wept.

* * *

Supper was undeniably tense even though Eleanor was delighted to catch up with Young Ian.

"I have just received a letter from your mama," Eleanor said, smiling at him. "She says you must write to her more."

Claire glanced at Jamie, "I didn't know that you were writing to Jenny."

"Well, yes," Eleanor nodded, "I wrote her a letter and she responded. I'm actually surprised she took the news so well of my marriage to Lord John."

"I confess I am surprised to hear she did as weel," Jamie frowned, "That dinnae sound like my sister."

"Mama is no too fond of the English," Ian explained to William, who was also present, "I beg yer pardon, Lord John."

"No offense taken, Ian," John waved him off. "I must rather say I am used to it," he gave Eleanor the side eye.

Jamie looked between them, his curiosity piqued. He couldn't figure out what John would be referring to in regards to Eleanor, who had never had such inclinations herself.

"Mama was always fond of Auntie though..." Ian said. "Maybe that is it."

"As I am of very fond her," Eleanor blushed and then took another sip of wine, "I think when I told Jenny the whole of my reasonings, she understood...English or not."

Jamie glanced sharply at her, before wisely trying to turn the conversation to William and inquiring after how his lessons were going.

When supper had adjourned, Eleanor put a hand on John's arm, lightly, "May I speak to you for a moment before I go tend to the children?"

He nodded and led her away from the others.

"Has Isaac been buried yet?"

John stiffened, surprised by her line of questioning. "Tomorrow."

"Where?"

John cleared his throat, "Here. But it must be done discreetly, Eleanor. I have arranged for his mother to be there."

"Would you object if I ask Jamie to accompany me? I won't say anything, but I want to be there."

"That is not necessary," he said, "I will take you myself."

Her heart twisted, "You don't have to if it is objectionable to you."

"I am your husband," John said. "I will fulfill my duty to you if this is what you need."

"John..." Eleanor pleaded, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know what you want from me."

He gently shrugged off her hand, "Go tend to the children, Eleanor. Tell them that I will come say goodnight to them as well."

He walked away without another word.

* * *

After the children were put to bed, with stories from Claire and Ian, and hugs and admonishments to go to sleep from Jamie and Lord John, Eleanor went into the sitting room with Young Ian and Willam, the later who was allowed to stay up later than his step-siblings. Claire joined them while Jamie and John retired to the library, drinks in hand.

John sat down on the sofa, weary. "It has been a long day, has it not?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Did ye settle things with the lass?"

"Eleanor?" John asked.

"Aye, who else?"

John let out a long breath, "Ah, no. I haven't."

Jamie remained silent and John sensed his disapproval.

"Go ahead and speak your mind, Jamie," he said, taking another sip.

"It isna my place too," Jamie said.

"You do with Eleanor, do you not?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "But I am accustomed to speaking plainly to her...I would never wish to interfere with the way ye choose to handle yer marriage."

"Hum," John swirled his drink, "How was she when she left Red Hill?"

"Distraught. I had to hold her hair while she spilled her guts on the side of the road," Jamie said, bluntly. "Then as we were talkin it over, she became panicked, feelin like she couldna catch her breath."

"Did she?" John frowned, "I didn't realize she had that strong of a reaction. You could have told me so. My words were quite harsh to her."

"Aye," Jamie said, "But ye dinna ask."

"Did she say anything else?"

"She said much, but nothing against ye," Jamie said.

"At least that is something," John said. "Well, go on, Mr. Fraser, say what you want to say."

Jamie shifted, "Keeping her at a distance is worse than beating her, John."

"Do you think?"

"Aye, I do," Jamie nodded. "She cares deeply fer ye, John. And she wants yer approval," Jamie frowned, "May I speak plainly?"

"Is this not speaking plainly?" John asked, but a small smile crossed his lips.

Jamie snorted, "Aye, I suppose it is. Ye need to do whatever ye need to do to settle it with her and then move on."

"Well, thank you for your advice, but I have decided that Eleanor can decide how she wishes to settle the matter betwix us."

Jamie stilled and then he nodded, "Aye, that is verra gut, John."

"Well, I thought so," he said, dryly. He rose, "May I show you something?"

"Of course."

He went to his desk, opened the drawer and pulled out and object, "I was waiting for the right time to give it to Eleanor, but I didn't think I should without showing it to you first."

"What is it?" Jamie asked, curiously.

John placed it into Jamie's hand and he studied it, "Is this the sapphire I gave ye...at Ardsmuir?"

John nodded, "I wanted Ellie to have it, so I fashioned it into a ring. Do you mind me giving it to Eleanor? I thought I should ask since you had given it to me first."

Jamie studied the ring and then looked to his friend, "No, I dinna mind. It is yers to do as ye wish, but I have to say...I am verra glad fer Eleanor to have it."

"Do you think she will like it?" John asked.

Jamie looked at him and nodded, "Aye, she will that, especially if ye tell her the story behind it."

"I wasn't going to."

"But you should," Jamie told him seriously, "It will bring more meaning to her to ken so." He paused and then handed back the ring to John, who placed it back in the drawer, "If Eleanor canna figure out how to make amends, how long are ye goin to let her stew?"

John shrugged, "I cannot foresee."

"She cares fer ye, John. Dinna let her stew too long. She only did what she thought was right."

John gave a small smile, "And here the roles are quite reversed...are they not?"

Jamie smiled, "Aye, I suppose they are," he chuckled.

"How about a chess match?"

"Aye, I'd like that verra much."

* * *

Eleanor went through the motions of putting the children to bed, Jamie and Claire and Young Ian helping her. Jamie then retired into the library with Lord John for an hour, drinking and playing chess with him, while Eleanor paced the sitting room upstairs. Finally, she went down again and knocked on the door to the study.

"I don't mean to interrupt, but..." Eleanor strode across the room and reached for the whisky, "I'm taking this upstairs."

John raised an eyebrow. "Help yourself, of course," he commented, letting out a long breath.

"Ach," Jamie stood and went over to her side. He took the whisky from her. "Ye dinna need the whole thing. May I?" he looked to John.

"If she wants to imbibe herself, that's her prerogative. But if she suffers ill effects in the morning, she still has five children to look after."

Jamie shot John a disapproving look and then poured her some, "One, lassie. Only one. To calm yer nerves."

John stood. "I am going to bed." He looked to Jamie, "I will help you with the matter we discussed earlier."

"I thank ye, John," Jamie said, nodding. "I will stay another day to make sure the children are settled. Given today's events, I dinna think it best to leave in the morning as planned, but I can only spare one more day. Then we must continue our journey."

"Of course," John bowed, "I bid you goodnight. Lady John, I will see you in the morning."

"Lord John," She forced a smile at him, "Pleasant dreams."

He left and Eleanor slammed the glass on the table, it sloshing around.

Jamie eyed her and made a disgruntled noise, "Come and sit, lass."

She picked up the glass and managed to take a few sips before coming to take John's spot at the chess board. "Do you want to play me?"

"Aye," Jamie said, arranging the pieces. "What are ye doin besides searching fer whisky?"

"I'm waiting for Hope to be more settled before sneaking into my room," Eleanor said, honestly, another sip.

Jamie paused and then met her eyes, "Is that arrangement common?"

"No, I usually share a room with John...but he has made it clear that he cannot stand to be near me. And the sitting room didn't have a fire because we do not really use it much. I may just sleep in there tonight even with the cold." She took another sip.

Jamie continued to set up the board, "His anger will cool, Eleanor. Ye must be patient. Ye can start if ye'd like."

"I thank you, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor said, "Very gallant of you." She made her move. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Weel," Jamie moved his piece, "Brianna is here."

"Brianna?" Eleanor said, pausing her hand still on her chess piece, "_Your_ Brianna?"

"Aye," Jamie smiled at the thought.

"That's extraordinary. When did that happen?"

"Right after we returned to Fraser's Ridge," Jamie said.

Eleanor moved her piece. "I'm sure Claire is thrilled."

"Aye, she is," Jamie nodded, sliding his piece, "As am I. It was a gift to see the lass and one I never expected."

She smiled, "What is she like?" She moved another piece.

"Ah," Jamie studied the board and then looked at her, "Verra bonny. And tall. Like a Fraser," he moved another piece, "And has the temper to match. But she is also verra humorous. Thoughtful. Canny. I think ye would like her."

"I'm sure I would," Eleanor said, studying the board.

"But..." Jamie's stopped and even though Eleanor was looking at the chess pieces at the moment, she instinctively felt his tension and knew something significant had happened.

Eleanor looked up to study Jamie, "What happened?"

"Ye arena the only one who has made poor impulsive choices, Eleanor," Jamie said, "I was a fool. I only hoped I dinna damage our relationship beyond repair."

"Oh, Jamie," Eleanor shook her head, "Tell me what happened."

Jamie launched into his story, telling Eleanor everything. When he was finished, Eleanor reached across the board to lightly rest her hand on Jamie's arm. "Do not worry, James. Brianna will forgive you in time. You'll find Roger and return him to her. You always make things better for the ones you love. And your sense of honor and justice molded together with your compassion and kindness is what makes you _you_. She will see all those characteristics in you once her temper settles."

"Ye do ken that it is also what makes Lord John _Lord John_." Jamie said, his voice low.

"I know that," Eleanor's voice couldn't hide her sorrow.

Jamie gripped her hand and then lifted it to kiss it. "Go to John and make things right, mo ghraidh."

"How do I do that?" Eleanor asked. "He is really hurt, Jamie."

"Ye must show him that ye trust him...the man he is."

"But how?" Eleanor prompted. "I can say it all I want, but he won't believe me."

Jamie titled his head, "Ye ken what ye must do."

"It's not going to happen," Eleanor said, adamantly.

"Ye are fortune that ye and I arena still marrit or I dinna think ye would be sittin so comfortably tonight. Ach and before ye say otherwise, ye would have offered consent. Dinnae ye ken it is weel deserved?"

"I wouldn't deny that fact," Eleanor said, wryly. "It's just...I don't think it would fix it."

"It would at least show him that ye want to make it right" Jamie said, "Unless ye dinnae." He moved a piece. "Checkmate."

"Damn it," Eleanor wrinkled her nose, "You bested me again."

"Ye were distracted," Jamie said, a small smile on his lips. "Do ye, Ellie?"

"Do I what?" Eleanor said, looking over the board at him.

"Do ye want to make matters right with Lord John?"

Eleanor let out a long breath, "I care for him alot, Jamie. He and I...I wouldn't have thought, but..."

"Aye, I ken. I see it, Eleanor."

"But, he was so harsh with me earlier."

"John's tongue is far worse than his arm," Jamie said.

Eleanor raised an eyebrow, "How would _you_ know?"

Jamie cleared his throat, "Ardsmuir."

Eleanor reached for the whisky and poured another glass and one for Jamie. She handed to him. "He whipped you."

"Aye, but he had to, otherwise his authority would have been compromised."

"And what was so great your offense that he had to add to those bloody scars on your back?"

"That dinna matter," Jamie said. "Eleanor, I beat men in my command as well. Some who did not keep watch properly. There has to be consequences for disobedience or carelessness otherwise the repercussions for carelessness or disobedience in those situations could be dire for all the men. I understand that Lord John did what he must and I dinna think he took a bit of pleasure from it...just as I do not think that what happened today, he wasn't indifferent to that man's plight. He offered to buy him..."

Eleanor's eyes grew wide, "Did he?"

"Of course, he did. He said that he couldna bear to see your heart affected by it. And what he did today, to your eyes, it may seem unjust, but in our time, it was extending mercy to him. He couldna do anymore than he did. Ye have to ken that he acted honorably. But he couldna sacrifice ye and the bairns and Willie's inheritance to make a stand. It wouldna have done any gut because the next time a slave attacks a white man even while being captured, the mob will still appear and demand retribution. He might have been able to make a bargain to settle the matter in a different manner, but after ye made such a fuss with the overseer and the other men got involved, there was no other alternative."

Eleanor's heart tore. "I caused it."

"No, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, quickly, "I dinnae say that."

"But I made it worse. I should have waited for him. I tried to buy us time, but I had gotten so angry."

"Aye, tis true," Jamie said, seriously.

"I judged him today," Eleanor twisted her hands. "He said I thought too highly of my own opinions to actually listen."

Jamie snorted, "Ye do that...but we love ye in spite of it, lassie."

"You weren't offended by what Lord John did to you at Ardsmuir?"

"Of course, I am no offended. I would have done the same most likely to the men under my command."

"But I am not in Lord John's command."

Jamie raised an eyebrow.

Eleanor let out a breath. "Very well. Point taken. Tomorrow. If he still seems put out with me."

"Speaking from experience, it is best to get it over with fer both yer sakes."

"Advice received, but you should know me well by now. I'm going to try to wait it out."

"And if that dinna work?"

"Then, I will heed your advice Mister Fraser...but good God, " Eleanor winced. "This goes against everything..."

"You said if ye consent, it is different," Jamie pointed out, "And he isna forcing his hand with ye. He would have been weel within his rights to do so."

Eleanor hugged herself, "I hate it when you are so reasonable, James."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "Go to bed, Eleanor. Perhaps it will be better in the morn."

* * *

But clearly, it was not better in the morn. Or during the day. Or at supper. Or at bedtime, even after the five children were put to sleep. Finally, Eleanor managed to gather up the courage to knock on John's door.

Her stomach in knots, she pushed open the door at his allowance.

"Do you need something, Eleanor?" John asked from his spot reading in bed. He didn't look up.

She swallowed hard. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are," John said, dryly, still reading his book.

"No, I'm really sorry," Eleanor said. "Wretchedly so. You were right about everything. I am too impulsive. I do think I know better. I didn't trust you. And my pride wouldn't let me submit."

He turned another page. "Is that all?"

"John," Eleanor said, exasperated. "Will you not even look at me?"

He turned another page.

"There is no way that you could have possibly read that page that quickly," Eleanor muttered. "Stop shutting me out."

"You are going to have to do better," John said, still looking down. "Saying you're sorry does not restore my trust in you nor does it compel me to think that the very next time you think you know best, that you will not act out against my direction and the next time the consequences could be much more severe for us."

Eleanor took a breath, "Is that truly how you feel?"

"Yes."

She let out her breath and then went over to the chair where his clothes lay, not yet put away by Tom. She shifted through the heavy garments until she found what she was looking for and then went over and dropped it on his lap.

That got his attention.

"Ah," John said, his eyes still fixated on the page, but she knew he was listening. "What are you up to, Lady John?"

She sat on the bed next to him. "I come from a time where this between a man and a wife would be considered reprehensible unless it is done as some sort of sexual foreplay," she said, bluntly.

He cleared his throat and then reached to put a mark in his spot and tossed his book onto the nightstand. "Is that so?" He looked at her now, studying her intently.

She nodded.

"As intriguing a notion as that is, what is your point, Eleanor?"

"My point is that while I come from that time, you do not. You come from a time where justice and honor and obedience and consequences...require harshness as well as mercy. Where lapses in judgment are met with real life...scary consequences. We could have lost everything, by my inability to see that. I deserve censure. I mean if ever there was a time..."

"You do deserve it," John said, slowly. "Yet...I do not wish to lay a hand on you."

"You wished so yesterday."

"Yes," John said. "I did. But I chose not to."

"But I need harmony between us, John. If we are at odds, I will never survive this life. I was wrong and this is the only way I know how to make it right. Let me atone in this way. Please."

John let out his breath, sliding his legs to dangle off the bed. "Good God in heaven. You have spunk, Lady John."

She gave him a small smile, "Do I?"

He chuckled. "In spades."

"I don't feel spunky at the moment," she said, honestly.

"I'm sure you do not, yet you do have it."

"So..." Eleanor bit her lip.

"I need to think."

"Very well."

He studied her a few minutes, contemplating his next move, before saying slowly, "I will consent to what you wish. Go and change into your nightgown. I need to talk to Tom."

She nodded and then said, her voice shaking, "You will be...not too..."

"Do not fear," He reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. "I know the line between discipline and cruelty, dearest. I will not cross it, especially with you of all persons."

He stood and then stepped out of room, searching for Tom.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Go and request a bath to be prepared for Lady John in the study. Make sure the fire is roaring- I want the room very warm for her."

"Shall I ask Susanna to attend to her?"

"No," John shook his head. "I will attend to her myself. Ask Susanna to keep her eye on the children though. And if they need anything, request that Mr. Fraser be woken. He will not mind."

"Yes, my Lord."

He stepped back into the room, Eleanor leaning against the door to the sitting room, trying to gather her nerve again.

He beckoned, "Come to me." He held out his hand for her.

She bit her lip and her nerve almost cracked into pieces. "I'm not sure this is a good idea, upon further reflection."

"Is that so?" John mused. "Was the idea better in your head than in reality?"

She planted her feet to the floor, "It wasn't all that great in my head, truth be told."

John sat down on the bed, "I can wait. I'm not going to force you into this."

Eleanor cleared her throat, "The few times Jamie did this, I fought with him. It was like wrestling with a bear."

"Did you get eaten?" John asked, amused.

"To say the least," Eleanor said. "Every single time...which was only two. Well, three, but we don't count the third."

"What was the third?" John asked, curiously.

Eleanor bit her lip, "It was after Murtagh and I were married. It was bad. I can't talk about it- it hurts even thinking of it."

"You don't have to tell me," John said, calmly, "I know he didn't truly hurt you because despite of how hot headed Mr. Fraser can be, he is fair and just and would never be cruel with you...married or not."

"That's accurate," Eleanor nodded. "It wasn't cruel...just emotionally heartbreaking."

He looked at her sympathetically, "I'm very sorry for it."

"Me too," She said, hugging her arms against her, "I'm still not moving."

"Very well," John shifted on the bed, getting comfortable, sensing they might be in this position for a while. "I told you, I am not forcing you to this."

"You may have to," Ellie said, honestly.

"I will not," John answered, calmly. "If I force you, then I do not think this will accomplish what you have set out to."

She let our her breath, "Damn your insightfulness."

John gave her a wry smile, "Why don't you just tell me what you are thinking?"

She shrugged, "I have so many thoughts."

"Such as," John prompted, and when she didn't respond, he asked, "Are you scared that I will be unreasonable with you?"

She shook her head. "No," she said slowly.

"Then you trust me."

"Of course, I do."

"So why are you unable to cross the divide betwix us?" he asked.

Eleanor let out a breath, "I don't know. It means I'm vulnerable to you. Submissive. As I told you, this was considered abusive in my century. To me, this is an act of letting go some of my preconceived notions of justice and fairness and I'm not sure I wish to."

"Nor would I truly wish you to either," John countered, "You do understand that it is sometimes considered abusive in this century as well. Husbands just should not go around and beat their wives. And if they must resort to such measures, which I do not, for the record, believe they should, except in the most severe circumstances, they should take care to act with fairness and not out of anger."

"But..."

"If I was to chastise Mac or William, would you consider that abuse?"

"No," Eleanor said, "I mean...depends on how you do so, I suppose."

"Precisely," John said, nodding.

"But I am your wife and not your child."

"That is very true," John said, "Do you feel like you acted like my wife or more like my child by your actions yesterday?"

She winced. "It was probably childish to climb out the window."

"Do you think?" John said, lightly.

"What do you wish?"

John shrugged. "I do not know fully. You are right though, I do not believe you should be immune to consequences, especially for when you acted so recklessly. Whether you wish it to be or not, you are still my responsibility...and you are under my care and direction. Considering that you have little clear understanding of the time and culture that we live in, it is even more important that I bring you back into the understanding of the reality of these times...and who are you are in it."

"You wish to break my spirit."

"Never would I wish to," John retorted, adamantly, "It is your spirit that I adore. You have a beautiful soul, Eleanor. Nothing that has happened in these two days will change my view of that...nor do I foresee anything happening in the future that will alter my opinion."

Eleanor practically melted under his sweet words.

John continued, "But I do need you to understand the harshness of the consequences of reckless actions...before those consequences are out of my hands. Before we wed, you pressed me on this and I said that I could not discount it entirely. All that you have done fit when I said I would consider such action. But I will not push you to this. You must come to that realization yourself."

"If I allow this, it means I am opening the door to this happening again."

"But Eleanor, dearest, this is _your_ choice," John countered. "You don't have to atone in this way. You have the control here."

She bit her lip, "How about I let you...do whatever you want..."

John titled his head, "I do not understand what you mean."

"Whatever you want, with whom you want..."

John looked up to the heavens, "Good Lord, Eleanor. Do you wish to restore trust in our marriage by allowing me to have an affair? How is that even sensible?"

"Well, I do trust you...only to do it once."

"I see," John let out a long breath, "Sweetheart, I do not think it will be constructive for you to atone for breaking our trust by encouraging me to do the same. It's not a tit for tat, Ellie."

She paused, "I don't know...it all makes sense in my head."

"Clearly," John snorted. "You are quite endearing even when I wish to throttle you."

"Yes, I've heard that before," Eleanor said, "Well, what other way can I atone in?"

"I suppose..." John thought about it, "you should apologize to Mister Smith and hire him back. He was only doing his job, even if he threatened you. And then go to Red Hill and apologize. Say you were wrong."

"Ah, no," Eleanor said. "I'd rather die a thousands deaths."

"Would you?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Eleanor retorted, heatedly, "I was wrong with you to follow when you told me to stay. My beliefs are not wrong. I didn't wrong them. I wronged _you_. No, I have to do something that shows I trust you completely...to be fair and just...the man I know you are," she paused and then looked annoyed. "Oh, crap."

"We could think of a different way," John offered, unable to hide the twinkle in his eye. "I am open to ideas..."

She made a face, "This is the only thing I could think of...and it does make sense...in an awful kind of way."

John smirked at her, "Then get yourself over here, my darling." He patted the spot in front of him.

She looked at him, disgruntled. As he was often apt to do, he trapped her with that precise logic of his that was impossible to deny. She looked up to the ceiling and then chuckled, "You know you could have just physically wrestled me into submission. It would have been quicker."

"What fun is that?" he said. He stood and held out his hand. "Come. I'm eager to be done with this dreadful business. I'll be fair with you, Ellie."

"Ahh, damn it to all freaking hell," Eleanor cursed under her breath.

"Charming," John said, chuckling with amusement. "God, I love it when you are like this. Now, gather that nerve of yours and come to me. The hardest step is the first. I told you I was not forcing you. If you wish for this, you will do this on your own."

And in spite of her 21st century pride and ideals, she found herself walking to him and placing her hand in his.

* * *

John moved to sit beside her, climbing up on the bed. "Eleanor, darling," he said, his voice soft. "What can I do?"

"I need you," She moved to rest her head in his lap, "Is this okay?"

He ignored her modern slip of tongue, "Of course, it is," he said, his voice kind.

"Don't turn me away."

"Never," He reached down to stroke her hair tenderly. "I shouldn't have yesterday. That was very wrong of me."

"It was understandable," Eleanor said. "Why would you want to share a bed with me when we were at odds?"

"To demonstrate that I believed we would reach an understanding again," John said, "Given your history with Jamie, it was important for me to show you I would never willingly abandon you or this marriage, but I was angry as well. I'm sorry if I caused you distress in that regard, Ellie."

"Thank you for that," she sniffed. "Jamie assured me that your temper would cool if I would be patient."

"Yes, he knows us both very well," John said.

They sat there like that for a few minutes, Eleanor continuing to cry, her face in his lap, him stroking her hair gently. She was still, but he could sense her anxiety- her soul was not settled. He was becoming increasingly worried over Eleanor's broken spirit.

"I was not too harsh, was I?" John asked, his brow creased in worry. "I did not wish to be. It honestly tried not to be."

"No, it's fine. You weren't too harsh at all. It aches, but it is not awful. This is not for that."

"Then what are your tears for?"

"I just feel wretched, because of who I am. I hate who I am. And I hate that I cannot change myself. And I am embarrassed."

"Ah, your pride is sore," John said, patting the side of her head, "That's understandable. The feeling will go away, my darling."

"I don't think it ever will."

"Why is that?"

"This isn't the first time I've experienced this, John...but it was different with Jamie."

"How so?" John frowned at the thought.

She shook her head, "Just never mind."

"I wish you would tell me what you are thinking."

She began to shiver, suddenly cold.

John gently moved her aside to get down from the bed.

"Here, you are shivering," John reached for her robe and then gripped her arm, gently helping her to sit up. He carefully brushed her hair to the side and then helped her put her arm through the sleeves of her robe and then the other one and finally tying the sash for her.

"What are we doing?" Eleanor asked, trying to quell the beat in her heart.

"I have a bath ready downstairs. I think it will help soothe the ache. At the very least, take your chill away."

Her knees wobbled. Her nerves were absolutely shattered after what just happened. "I think I just want to curl up and go to sleep and forget all of this happened."

"I'm certain you do, but I do not think running away from your feelings will be beneficial in the end," John said. "And I do not think allowing you to do so is helpful for our marriage. Don't draw away. Let's face this together."

"I just feel too shaky to walk."

He leaned down and then lifted her up in his arms. "I can carry you."

"I'm too heavy."

"Nonsense," John said.

"I don't want to see anyone right now."

"Of course you don't," John said, shifting her to hold her more securely, "I'm going to help you with your bath tonight. The only person you'll have to see is me." He paused, "Unless you don't wish to see even me. In that case..."

"No, I want you with me," Eleanor said, "It's just you are only in your nightshirt as well," Eleanor said. "We can't properly walk through the home like this."

"It's our home, Eleanor, it does not matter," John reminded her. "Tuck your head into my chest. There you are."

He carried her downstairs and into the study where a warm bath was waiting. He carefully eased her down and then shut the door, tightly. "We will not be disturbed."

She nodded.

"Do you need help taking off your clothes?" he asked as he knelt beside the bath. He dipped his hand in the water. "Come, my dear, while it is still warm."

She fiddled with the tie to her robe, it dropping to the floor. She unbuttoned the top two buttons of her nightgown, it sliding off.

She walked over to where John was standing. He offered her a hand to help her step in and then slide down.

She let out a long moan. John reached to catch her hair from dipping into the bath. "Here," he twisted it up and tied it with a ribbon that Susanna had laid out along with a fresh nightgown and large piece of cloth. "There you are. Doesn't look the best but will do to keep it dry."

She closed her eyes tightly, fighting all the emotions that were whirling up again. John reached to run a finger across her cheek. "Do you wish to talk about it now?"

She shifted in the bath and then opened her eyes. "I don't understand the harshness of the time we live in. It scares me. Jamie tried to shield me from everything, but you were right yesterday, it is not realistic. I am going to have to face things I do not wish to. And I ache that my children will have to live with that as well."

John reached for a sponge and began to bathe her. "But you are not facing such things alone, are you?"

"Perhaps you wish me to after the past two days," Eleanor said, her voice soft. "I know I am not the ideal wife."

"I must tell you," John dipped the sponge again again and then pushed her forward slightly so he could rub her back with it. "Even when my anger was at its highest, never did I wish you to be gone completely from me. You do try me, but you also bring me great joy and contentment, Eleanor."

They let his words soak in even as he continued to scrub her body so tenderly. They sat there for a few minutes, Eleanor finding comfort in his touch and in the warmth of the bath.

Finally, John cleared his throat. "You said it was different with Jamie, when he chastised you. I want to know what you meant."

"I only meant that..." She swallowed hard as tears sprung to her eyes, "He.." her voice cracked as the words came out strangled, "loved me."

"I see now," John put aside the sponge. "It's time to get out, dearest."

"Why?" Eleanor looked weary.

"You told me once that when you argued with Jamie, there was a way that you and he used to restore intimacy." John paused, "I wish the same for us."

"You want us to have sex," Eleanor paused, biting her lip.

"Yes," John said, "I cannot properly tell you your worth to me, but I can try to show you. You need to feel my closeness and acceptance of you as much as I need to ensure that you do."

She nodded.

He lifted her out of the bath, she dripping water across the floor to lay her on the giant bearskin rug in front of the fire.

"I never meant for it to be against you," she murmured as his hand threaded through hers.

"Shh," he hushed her, "Put your mind at ease." He began to kiss down her neck and across her collar bone.

She began to wiggle and then winced even though the massive bear fur rug was luxuriously soft.

"Is the rug comfortable enough for you?" he looked up. "We can return to our bed."

"No," She shook her head. "It actually feels good."

"And it is serving to dry your wet skin," John said, a small smile on his face, "Are you warm enough?"

"We are right by the fire," Eleanor said, squeezing his hand.

"Are you certain you wish for this?" he said, his voice low. "If you need your pride to heal more...I know it has taken a bruising."

"My pride has suffered greatly, but both instances were of my own making..." she said, softly. "I am so very sorry, Lord John."

"I forgive you...Truth be told, I forgave you long before you came to me tonight..."

A sob caught in Eleanor's throat and he kissed her hand tenderly and then her neck and her lips, before crashing into her, causing her to tremble, her emotions overwrought. The sob escaped before she could hold it in.

"Darling," John stilled and then rested his forehead against hers, his breath on her, "I have you. You are well. And in spite of what you do or how you wrong me or how angry I am with you, I will always forgive you."

"Why?"

He nestled further into her causing her to moan. "My care for you is not contingent on you always following my direction. There is no honor in that. I want you to heed my direction because it shows that you trust my person, who I am, that you know I will always act in your best interest and that of our family."

"I'm ashamed because the things you said before...they are true."

"They may be true, but there need be no shame betwix us, do you understand?" He kissed her deeply.

She shifted her bum, wincing again.

"Do you need me to stop?" he asked, his eyes concerned.

"I don't want you to," she said, honestly, "But my bum hurts when I wiggle."

"I see," John kissed her check and then leaned to whisper in her ear. "If that is the case, I suggest you stay still," He reached down to put a hand on her hip, pinning it to the rug.

"It is hard to stay still when I feel this way with you."

"And what way is that?" John asked, lightly.

"Like my need is so great...to feel..." she paused, "closer to you."

"I didn't think it to be possible," John rubbed her hip as his forehead rested again against hers, "but when I know I am bringing you joy and I hear the sounds of your need, my own need increases tenfold. And to know how vulnerable you must have felt tonight, for you to put your trust in me...yet again. It means so much."

"But I feel the rift between us was so great..."

"It was," John said, beginning to move, "But now we heal."

* * *

When they had finished, John had turned her over so she could lie on her stomach, her head turned to face him. Her hair splayed over her shoulders, pooling around her. John leaned up, supporting his head with his elbow, his other hand, began gently caressing her bum.

"I never wished to do such a thing to you..." John said, his voice low.

"I know," she looked at him. "There is something in the way that you and Jamie both work- justice and honor it is so ingrained upon you. I had to restore it somehow. And this was a way that I know would be effective. I did you wrong by not trusting you...and I did put our family at risk."

"Still..." he paused, "Do not ever put me in this position again."

She reached out to wipe her thumb against his cheek. "You married a fool for a wife. I cannot promise."

He swatted gently at her posterior, before continuing to gently rub it. "This wasn't for your interference to begin with- I hope you know that. I was ready to let that go. I understood why and knew that you would not understand the implications of how we had to delicately navigate these waters. The culture here...in this time, in this place. But when I explicitly asked you to trust me and stay and you so brazenly followed...even though I tried to explain to you..."

"I acted with my emotions...with my heart."

"Yes," he gently swatted her again, "And I need you to act with your head. Or at least know that I could lead this to a reasonable conclusion. You were arrogant and at the same time, hopelessly naive. Still, I hope I was not too harsh with you tonight."

"Truth be told, I rather preferred this than your dressing down of me yesterday. That hurt way worse...You took so much care to moderate your physical discipline, your verbal thrashing was rather unrestrained."

"Oh darling, I should have been more careful with my words," John said, frowning deeply. "I can be cutting and I know you take everything to heart and it stays with you for the longest time. I was angry."

"You meant it though."

"I did," John said, slowly. "Yet I should not have said it."

"And I think that is what pains me the most," Eleanor said, quietly. "With Jamie...his temper was easily sparked. He would say things and I would know that he didn't truly mean them...or he did at the time, but probably wouldn't later after things were fixed between us. But with you...you are so even keeled. So I know if you say those things to me...I must have been truly awful to begin with."

"Sweetheart," John's heart twisted as the tears began to pool again in Eleanor's eyes. "I do have a temper, it just manifests differently than Jamie's. And I did mean it, but I shouldn't have said it. I wasn't completely wrong in my assessment of your faults, but for all your faults, you are still the most remarkable woman that I am privileged to be married to. I think so highly of you, Eleanor."

"I don't think that of me," The tears flowed down her cheeks. "The burden of having to constantly check myself...my manner, my posture, my language...and to know that even though I see things that are reprehensible, it will be hundreds of years before it is fully righted. I cannot change the course of history- Jamie and Claire tried. History will remain history. Some days I cannot bear it. Some days, I lose myself in the weight of it- which is what happened yesterday- it was as I couldn't think clearly."

"And that is when I can guide you through that, if only you would open yourself up and truly listen. I want you to know that what I say is for your good and the good of our five children we are raising together. I will not lead you astray, Ellie. I need you to trust me."

She nodded.

"I wish to know," John asked, still caressing her. "What made you think of this?"

"I have to admit that it was Jamie's suggestion."

John raised both of his eyebrows, "That should not surprise me...though you agreeing with it does."

"So," Eleanor touched his arm, lightly, "He told me of Ardsmuir."

John's hand stilled. "Did he?"

"Yes."

"And?" John prompted.

"And nothing," Eleanor retorted, "I just wanted you to know that I knew." she paused, "What did you think?"

"Of what are you referring to?"

"Of when you saw the scars on his back," Eleanor's voice was low.

"I was shocked," John admitted, his eyes far off, "And it made me feel ill."

Eleanor nodded, "I used to cry over them- when Jamie was sleeping. Not often, but it broke my heart."

"Darling," John lifted his hand to cradle her face, "Did he know?"

"Yes, he caught me every time," Eleanor sniffed, "Jamie is good like that. Not much got past him."

"What did he say?"

"I shouldn't fret over the past on his account, but he understood why I felt that way. He knew it wasn't from pity, but from my love for him and my heartache that the man I love and cherish and respect so deeply had a past that wounded him so badly...and more often than naught, unfairly."

"He did fought in the Rising, Eleanor," John's voice was low.

"John," Eleanor looked in his eyes, "I feel like I should tell you something."

"You can tell me anything you wish," he said, rubbing her cheek with his fingers. "You must know that."

"I do," Eleanor bit her lip, "But it is about Jamie. And the Rising."

John shifted, "You have alluded to that once before...in Edinburgh."

"Do you remember that?

"I do," John said, "I found it most odd at the time and I couldn't fathom what you meant by it."

"Well, you see," Eleanor's gaze still held his eyes, "Jamie was trying to _stop_ the Rising when he was in France. Him and Claire...trying to manipulate history to save Scotland and the clan culture. And after they lost their child and returned to Scotland, Charles Stuart signed Jamie's name to the letter declaring his intent to take back the throne. Jamie wanted nothing more than to stay in Lallybroch with his family."

"Great God in heaven," John frowned deeply, "He had no choice but to fight."

"Yes, he was branded a traitor anyway. He gave up everything. Lallybroch by all rights, should be his. He gave it up because Claire knew that the land would have been stripped from his family after the war if he had kept it. And it was unfair because he never wanted this war to begin with."

"This is extraordinary," John let out a long breath, "I do not know what to make of it."

"Please don't tell him I told you. Jamie would be irritated with me...and has truly been so kind and supportive the past two days."

"He understands your heart well," John said, moving his hand to rub her arm lightly. There was an odd tone to his voice that Eleanor couldn't read.

"He tries to at least. He knows how deeply I feel and how hard it is for me to shut off my emotions. Why do you think he is so intent on protecting me from this life?"

John paused, "At the very least, I think I understand that better now- his protectiveness is fierce when it comes to you. It's different with him and Claire. He doesn't feel the need to shield her as much."

"Yes, I used to think it was because he thought she was stronger than me, but I do think it was because my heart responds to things differently than hers even though they shared plenty of heartache together in the few years before she was sent back."

He looked at her intently,"Did something else happen to Jamie at the hands of the British? Beyond my knowledge?"

She nodded.

"I suspected so," John said.

"I can't tell you those particulars...it is too personal to Jamie."

"Of course not, I would never ask you to," John said.

"I do think you should know- I told Jamie that when we were married when he told me of some of your arguments with him- not the details, but I inferred what was going on."

He paused. "You do know that you aren't the only one that has to hide away who they are," John said, quietly. "If anybody can help you, it is I."

"But that in itself is sad," Eleanor commented, her voice a whisper. "I wish so much more for you."

"Eleanor," John sat up fully this time and reached for her hand, helping her up. "I need you to know something."

"What is it?"

"You said that it was different with Jamie because there is love betwix the two of you."

"Yes," she said, slowly.

"I, myself, do not feel like you and I have a marriage devoid of love. Do you?"

She paused, thinking it over. She looked him in the eyes. "No, I don't."

He grasped her chin, titling it from side to side, "Do not hate who you are, Eleanor. For I do not."

She swallowed down the lump in her throat, "Thank you, Lord John."

"For what?"

"Knowing how to speak to me in spite of how frustrating I must be," she sniffed, her eyes full of tears, "I know I said Jamie understands my heart well, but that wasn't to say that you do not. Truth be told, you do as well...and I am grateful that you are so kind and honorable and incredibly generous towards me. I do not deserve it."

"Of course you do," He kissed her gently and then pulled away, "I have something for you."

He rose and went over to the desk and pulled out the ring, "I was waiting for the right time to give this to you..."

"So you thought after you beat me and bathed me and made love to me, that it would be the most opportune time," Eleanor said, teasingly.

"I'm glad you can tease about it so soon," John chuckled and Eleanor giggled.

John paused and then smiled more widely, "I love it when you do that."

"When I do what?"

"Laugh," he plopped back down, "I once told Jamie that your laugh could heal the most weary of souls."

"Did you?" Eleanor titled her head, "That's very sweet."

John smiled again, "Close your eyes and open up your hand, Lady John."

Eleanor did as he requested and he plopped the ring into her hand. She opened her eyes and studied it and then looked back at John, "It's so lovely," she said as she admired it. "The jewel is a..."

"Sapphire," John said, "It matches the blue of your eyes. It was given to me at Ardsmuir by a one Mister James Fraser."

"Jamie?" Eleanor asked, her mouth opened in surprise.

"Yes," John said. "He had escaped to go looking for Claire. There was a man who had information of a treasure hidden away by the Jacobites. He mentioned the name White Witch, which..."

"Was Claire's name in France..." Eleanor nodded, following the story.

"I had thought I had lost one of the most decorated prisoners, but Jamie returned, bringing this. He gave it to me. I have treasured it since, being a gift from such a..." he paused, swallowing hard, "dear friend."

Eleanor stilled, "And you wish me to have it?"

He nodded, "Very much so."

"But it means so much to you," Eleanor said, "being from Jamie."

"Yes," John said, "but you do as well."

Eleanor's voice grew hoarse, "I'm honored, John. This means...so much to me," she reached out to put her arms around him.

"Now you have a piece of me...and of Jamie...always," he held her close to him. "Do you like it?"

She pulled away, "I do. I like it very much."

He took it from her to slide it on her finger, "It fits well. And looks very well on you."

"Thank you again," Eleanor said, leaning up to kiss him.

"You are most welcome," John said. They sat like that for a while, John holding her in his arms, before he kissed her head and said,

"Jamie wishes myself to go to River Run to look on Mistress Fraser. He mentioned that his Aunt would be happy to see the children again as well as to meet you. Shall we all go?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "I'm not sure about taking Hope, John. Jamie said that his Aunt...well, she knew Murtagh well. If she figures out the truth..."

"She cannot see, Eleanor."

"For what Jamie described and from what I read in the letters exchanged between her and Jenny, I am not sure that matters much."

"We are not hiding Hope away, my dear," John said, firmly. "I could go to River Run myself if you would like to stay behind."

She shook her head, "No, we should all go." She looked worried.

"What is the matter?"

"Brianna..." she paused, "I'm the other woman, John."

"She knows the truth of your history, Eleanor," John said. "I would not fear her reaction."

She nodded, but truth was, she was concerned. If Brianna had her father's personality, she knew that she would be fiercely protective of her mother. And probably not the most reasonable of persons. This could get interesting.

A/N: Up next: River Run


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N:** So...quick update. Outlander inspired me to write this chapter...we took a little detour from River Run, but I promise, it's coming in the next chapter. How do you think Brianna should react? I have some ideas, but I'm curious your thoughts- drop a review! :)

**Chapter 30**:

As soon as John and Eleanor were preparing to leave for River Run, John got word that he was being summoned to Williamsburg for a private meeting with the governor. As such, they decided to travel across Virginia to Williamsburg and then travel to New Bern to stay with Governor Tryon. Eleanor then told John they might as well go to Willmington to check on Fergus and Marasli before heading up the River to River Run. William wisely opted to stay home with his tutor then go on this multiple stop adventure, while Eleanor and John attempted to maneuver through traveling with four very cranky children.

Being in Williamsburg again was surreal for Eleanor. As she stepped down from the coach on Duke of Glouster Street, Rosie in her arms, her hand pulling Sam from trying to run, she was filled with longing for another little boy and girl...children of her heart from a different time, but the same place.

"Eleanor," John's eyes creased in worry, "What is it, dearest?"

"May we walk before we go to the inn?"

"Very well, it seems the children would benefit from some exercise," John said, his eyes still studying her. There was something peculiar about Eleanor from the moment she arrived in Williamsburg. He turned to Tom, "Will you not sort the luggage?"

Tom nodded, "Yes, my Lord. Shall Susanna take Hope to the inn?"

"I think so, the poor babe needs a nap," John said, looking to Eleanor for approval to said plan, but she was completely distracted.

Susanna and Tom left and Eleanor put down Rosie.

"Take my hand, Samuel," John said to his godson, knowing full well, he could corral the boy better than his distracted mother.

She gestured her head, away from the palace, "This way, I think."

They crossed the road, as people milled around, looking in and out of the shops. Eleanor breathed in the air, feeling the sunshine on her face, trying desperately to connect with the wife and mother...the woman she wasn't sure existed any longer.

"Where are we, Mama?" Mac asked as they got to the end of the street.

"Home," Eleanor said, closing her eyes.

_Eleanor bounded down the steps of the Wren building, her backpack slung over her shoulder. She was lost in thought over her mental to do list. Exams were fast approaching and taking an overload this semester was taking its toll. She tripped over an upturned brick, her books in her arms, scattered. _

_"God," she said, groaning. _

_"Here," A boy came up behind her, "Let me help." He looked up at her, "You are in my ethics class. You sit in the front."_

_"Yes, that's me," Eleanor said, her face blushing. _

_"Eleanor, right?"_

_"Yes," Ellie said, taking the books from the boy. _

_"Will," The boy stuck out his hand and Eleanor shook it, "Hey, do you want to maybe grab some coffee? I have an hour until my next class."_

_She smiled at him, "I'd love that."_

"Mama, what do ye mean, home?" Mac tugged her hand. "This is not yer home. It's no Lallybroch or Fraser's Ridge or Mount Josiah."

Eleanor forced her mind back to the present...or the past. She wasn't sure at this point.

John released Sam's hand. "You children can run around the grass. Just make sure that you do not wander too far," he ordered, his tone brooking no argument. Mac continued to look at his mama, brow creased in surprise. "You too, Mac. Go on now. Stretch your legs. It was a long carriage ride."

Mac took Rosie's hand and then began to chase after Sam. Soon the children's laughter filled the air.

He took her by the crook of the elbow and led her to a nearby stone bench, "Sit here, Eleanor."

_"Harry! Charlotte!" Eleanor entreated, "Do be careful of running on the brick."_

_"Let them play, Ellie," Will said, leaning for a kiss. "It is good to be home again."_

_"Where we first met...and fell in love," Eleanor smiled, "all because I was such a klutz and tripped over the brick."_

_"Truth be told, I was gathering the courage to ask you out," Will said. "I had been watching you all semester."_

_"Mama!" Harry ran up to her, "I wanna go to here when I am big."_

_Eleanor scooped her son up, kissing his head, "I'm so glad, my __lovie."_

"Eleanor," John's voice was sharp, bring her back. "Why did you not say?"

"About what?" Eleanor said, her eyes opening again.

John looked around to ensure their privacy. They were the only people on the grounds.

"You went to school here," John's voice was low. "You walked these streets...in the future, did you not?"

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Yes, I did."

"When you said you went to college in Virginia, I did not think..." John paused, "I rather thought that you went to some school created in the future."

"No," Eleanor shook her head, "I went here. Part of what drew me here was it's a school that is steeped in history and tradition...where great minds that would later form and lead our country went."

John looked to her in wonder, "You sat here...in the future."

"Yes," Eleanor said, letting out her breath. "Attended class in this building. It would burn down three times, but they would always rebuild with the original brick. The college would grow to include many other buildings. It was still a small school compared to others that would be built in Virginia."

"Eleanor," John breathed her name, not sure of what to say to this acknowledgment.

"I met Will in college," she added, "Here. Two hundred and thirty odd years in the future. Our kids played on these very grounds just as my children are running around here today. Harry said he always wanted to go here, but it could be Mac or Sam that ends up attending here...in the past."

"You should have said so," John said, "When I told you we were coming. We could have talked it over. I could have prepared you better to seeing this again."

"I did not know that being here would have such a strong effect on me," Eleanor said, honestly, her gloved hands in her lap.

"Of course, it did," He reached for her hand, squeezing it once. "It is all quite inconceivable, is it not?"

"Indeed," Eleanor said, "I'm trying to wrap my mind around it..."

John looked at her, worried, "And find again the person that you were?" he asked.

"Maybe," she took a long breath in, "My heart is torn up, John. It's almost as if I can feel Will and Charlotte and Harry's presence here. Like I can reach through the air and grab them again."

He gripped her hand more tightly, "Dearest Eleanor, I'm so very sorry."

She swallowed hard, two tears dropping down her face. "But I have you...and Mac and Sam and Rosie and Hope...and William. I am content. My heart is just sore. I just need a few minutes to be still."

"Then we shall sit here for a while and enjoy the day. The children do need to play after such a long journey. Otherwise they will be difficult tonight and we do have to go to our engagements." He began to let go of her hand, but she shook her head and he kissed it and then continued to hold it.

They sat in quiet, watching the little ones play.

Eleanor's voice was soft when she finally spoke, "Do you think they even remember they had a mother?"

John squeezed her hand, "If Will loved you the way you say he did, then he will never let them forget. And when he takes them to places such as these, he can remind them of all the wonderful times you had together."

She smiled at him, "Thank you for being still with me."

"You are most welcome," John said, "Now let's corral the children and go to the inn and rest. We have supper with the governor tonight."

"Wonderful," Eleanor said, dryly.

John chuckled, "Try to conjure just a tad bit more enthusiasm, dearest. I hear there will be quite a few landowners there."

"That's so great," Eleanor said, sarcastically. "Whatever shall I wear?"

John laughed some more and rose and offered his hand, "The blue dress, dearest, the one that matches your eyes. And your pearls I bought you. Now, come, my dear. We mustn't be late."

* * *

"Eleanor, there you are, my dear," John said as Eleanor approached John who was talking to a couple, "I want to introduce you to some new acquaintences."

He put a hand on her elbow, guiding her to his side. "Eleanor, may I present Colonel Washington and his wife, Martha? My wife, Lady John Grey."

Eleanor's heart nearly stopped and she nearly fumbled her curtsey, only John's steady hand on her elbow, who was quick to stabilize her without missing a beat, allowing her to hide her clumsiness.

"Colonel and Mrs. Washington, it is a pleasure to meet you," Eleanor said, willing her force to come out steady and natural. She could feel her face flush.

"Lady John," George Washington bowed at her as Martha curtseyed. "The pleasure is mine."

"The Washingtons have an estate up north," John said, not removing his hand from her. His voice was quite causal and as usual, she was quite in awe of her dignified husband. He was able to insert himself naturally into any social situation and was always the most steady, composed disposition, the perfect foil for her.

"Yes, Mt Vernon," Eleanor murmured, nodding her head.

"Indeed," Martha said, smiling, "Do you know of it, my dear?"

John's hold on her elbow tightened, "Eleanor grew up in the colony of Virginia. She knows much more about these parts than I do, I confess."

Eleanor forced a smile, "I do."

"I spent the entirely of my life here," George confessed, "Virginia is my home."

"It is a dear place," Eleanor said, allowing herself to relax, even in the presence of a man who would one day be one of the most famous Americans. "I was telling Lord John today when we arrived in Williamsburg, that being in Virginia, it as if it makes my heart complete."

"Yes," George gave her a small smile, "it is as such."

"But we heard that you have done some traveling abroad, Lady John. Scotland, was it?" Martha said, "How did you find it?"

"Rainy," Eleanor said, "The weather was frightful at times, but it was also a dear place."

"We met a Scot while we were last in Wilmington. A Mister..." Martha looked to her husband. "What was his name, dear?"

"James Fraser, I believe," George supplied.

"Did you?" Eleanor looked at John.

"Do you know of him?" Martha asked.

John cleared his throat, "We both do. Our history with Mr. Fraser is quite complicated, but he is a treasured friend to us both."

"After your travels, we hope that you will both come up to Mount Vernon to spend some time," Martha said, "We do like to make ourselves acquainted to other landowners in our colony."

"Yes," Eleanor smiled, "That would be an honor."

"Then we shall arrange it," George said. He reached for Martha's hand, "Lady John. Lord John."

John turned to her, watching them walk away. "There is something you are not telling me."

She inclined her head and John came closer, "The first president of the United States just walked away," she whispered.

John's eyes widened, "You do not say."

She grinned and then giggled.

John smiled at her, "You are quite besides yourself, are you not?"

"Indeed," Eleanor said. She leaned up to whisper in his ear, "Just so you know, he commands the army that defeats the British."

John's eyebrow raised, "You must tell me more of the history of this new land," he whispered, "So I can be better prepared for when my wife might become overtaken."

She blushed further, "Thank you for saving my curtesy. I nearly fell on my face."

"Surely not," John chuckled, "But what are husbands for, my dear, but to offer a hand when needed?" He looked to her, "It is almost time for supper. I heard that we were being seated by a young man, who is a member in the House of Burgesses...from Ablemarle County."

"What's his name?"

"Thomas...something..." John said, frowning, "Jeffers maybe?"

"Jefferson?" Eleanor asked, her eyes twinkling.

"Yes, that's it," John said. "I heard he is dreadfully quiet, but he shares your love of literature so perhaps you will be able to engage him."

"Then it is a good thing indeed, that you have kept me well read these past few years," Eleanor said, laughing.

John reached out to put his hand on her arm, leaning in, "Do not tell me, you know of this man as well?"

She leaned in, "Third President. He helped draft the document that would declare our independence from the dastardly British Rule."

John gave her a reproving look, "Do not talk politics, Eleanor. It is dreadfully unfit for a lady of this time."

Eleanor opened her fan, "You spoil all my fun, Lord John," she began to fan herself, looking very much the part of a lady from this century.

John came closer to her to whisper in her ear, a small smile on his lips, "Not all your fun, my dear wife."

She laughed, "Tis so. I will be a good girl. I promise."

And later as John and her walked home to the inn, she said, "I do not know why they all think him to be dreadfully shy. He was quite animated."

John gave her a long look, that she could not quite read, "Perhaps it was the lovely woman by his side, whose quiet, intuitive nature and intelligent responses drew him out of himself."

She laughed, "Surely you are joking. I am none of those things...especially to a great man like him."

"You are all of those things," John said, adamantly. He paused, "You were lovely tonight, Eleanor. I'm quite taken with you myself."

She blushed and wasn't sure what to say or how to interpret his look, so she opted for, "Did your business go well with the Governor?"

John nodded, "Indeed. Men like Washington and Jefferson...there have already been grumblings of discontent with the British. The Governor wishes myself..and by extension, you, to see if we can quiet discontent among the gentry."

She paused, a shiver up her arm, "We cannot, Lord John. It is imperative that we do not."

"It will not do any harm to socialize with the likes," John said, "And that will not be for a while. We have more pressing matters at hand.." he said, "Like cranky children who must travel to New Bern in the morn."

Eleanor grimaced, "Fun times."

John laughed, "Indeed."

* * *

"I do thank you again for your hospitality, your excellency," Eleanor said, from her spot to the right of Governor Tryon. "It was so kind of you to host us again."

"The pleasure is all mine, Lady John," he responded. "Are the children settled for the night?"

"Yes, indeed, everyone has been so accommodating," she took a sip of wine, her face flushed. John's eyes met her from across the table as he gave her a small bolstering smile. This was indeed out of her element and he knew how uncomfortable he was. There was a marked change from Eleanor in Virginia, to Eleanor in North Carolina. And Tryon was a different sort of man than Jefferson or Washington.

Tryon's wife was away and while the dinner party was small, Eleanor had been given the spot next to the Governor, which meant she had to endure small talk for the whole of the evening, instead of John leading the conversation and her adding bits and pieces. John and her often fed off each other in conversation, their minds and sense of humor endlessly connected.

"I must say I was unaware of our mutual connection," Tryon said.

Eleanor took a spoonful of soup, "Connection?" she asked, her sapphire ring gleaming in the candlelight.

"Lord John said you were married to James Fraser."

Eleanor coughed and then sipped on her wine, "Yes," she struggled, smiling. "I was. It is a very long, very complicated story."

"One that Lord John enlightened me to. You poor dear. What a situation to be in."

"Good came out of it though," Eleanor said, softly, "The children...and then Lord John. I am quite content."

"Have you seen the attempts Colonel Fraser has made to cultivate the land?"

"We haven't been to Fraser's Ridge since we have wed," Eleanor said, "but we will return soon...so the children can spend time with their father. They are looking forward to being with him again."

"A good man, is he not? A useful man," he said. "I do say if the insurgents get out of hand, Colonel Fraser will be a very good man to have on our side."

She swallowed hard, "Insurgents?" She fingered at her pearls, the only sign to John that she was agitated. The deep purple dress was stunning on her and the pearls dipped low enough that it met with the cut of her dress, which showed a fair bit of cleavage. There was no doubt in John's mind that Tryon was intrigued by Eleanor, but then Tryon was used to a strong woman in his own wife.

"Yes, tiresome creatures. Upset with the new taxes."

Eleanor glanced again at John who titled his head in clear warning to keep her opinions to herself.

Still Eleanor could not help but speak, "I often find when men don't have a say in matters that affect them everyday, they tend to get put out," Eleanor offered, softly, to which Tryon laughed incredulously,

"But isn't how it always works?"

Eleanor swallowed her wine again, trying to navigate this conversation, "Perhaps so. I can only tell you what I observe. When men feel like their voice is being stifled, often they will simply..." she paused, "speak louder."

"The next thing they will want is representation in Parliament," Tryon declared loudly, to the chuckles of the party. "You are quite opinionated for a woman."

"So, I have been told," Eleanor said, her voice quite light. "It's a dreadful vice of mine, your excellency."

John stifled a laugh and then took a long sip of wine.

She gave him a look and then turned her gaze back to Tryon, "One that I am sure to be scolded on by Lord John later tonight."

Tryon gave her an amused grin, "Undoubtably, Lady John," He leaned over, conspiratorially, "Should I pardon you?"

Eleanor laughed, her face flushing further. "I would be forever in your debt if you would," she said, the same light tone to her voice. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught John, whose jaw had stiffened.

"Then consider it done, my dear Lady John," Tryon said, He leaned over to whisper so know one could hear "As for my debt, I could foresee when a charming, witty, intelligent woman like yourself could prove useful one day."

She smiled at him, "I think my husband finds me most useful."

Tryon continued his private conversation with her, ignoring that John's back had straightened even further and he had stopped eating to watch.

"Are you certain of that?" he said under his breath to her.

"Yes, completely," Eleanor said, fingering her necklace again.

He straightened and said louder, "When you see Colonel Fraser again, will you give him and his lovely wife, my regards?"

"Of course, your excellency, I would be pleased to," Eleanor said, "But Jamie is not a Colonel any longer."

"Did he not tell you?" Tryon asked, lightly, "It was a contingency for him accepting the land."

"Is that so?" Eleanor glanced at John, whose jaw now twitched, a sure sign that she was to guide the conversation away from its current direction and not comment on Jamie's affairs.

"Indeed," Tryon said, "I had to make all sorts of exceptions for him...being a Jacobite and a Catholic."

"I see," She took another bite, "I wanted to say that I was so sorry to miss your wife. How is she?"

John nodded at her as she guided the conversation...away from James Fraser and the possibility of war.

* * *

"I'm sure it is not as troublesome as you think," John said as Eleanor roughly took down the pins from her hair. She was standing in front of him in her shift, having undressed herself for the night, as he as taking off his breeks.

"If Tryon calls him, he'll have to muster a bloody army, John," Eleanor said, tossing the pins in her box.

John paused, staring at her, before his expression softened, "You will pull out her hair if you do not take care. Should I get Susanna?"

"No," Eleanor said, "I can bloody take my own hair down."

"Without pulling your hair out?" John asked, wryly.

She looked at him in the mirror and then turned. "He should have told me."

"I am certain he did not wish you to worry as you are doing now, for something that may never happen," John said, quietly. At Eleanor's clear anxiety, he said, "Oh darling, come to me." He opened up his arms and Eleanor didn't even hesitate to go into them, desperately wanting the comfort of John's steady arms, burying her head in his nightshirt.

"But it will happen," Eleanor said, sobbing, "And he is...I am accepting that he is not mine, but he has to remain in this world. A world without James Fraser is a world I cannot bear to live in. Even if you are in it, bolstering me along."

John pulled away from her and tipped up her chin, "Do you think I do not understand that? I feel quite similarly, even more so now our families are so connected. But you cannot worry over things that have not happened and you cannot assume that the worst thing will happen."

She sniffed hard, "You're right. But if he is so mixed up with Tryon, he is taking the wrong side of history."

John wiped her tears with the pad of his thumb, "As am I. But as men...we must do as we can...to act honorably and in accordance with the convictions in our heart. You do understand, don't you, darling?"

"I do," She nodded. "I just..." she paused, "Jamie was always keeping things from me, even when we were married."

John leaned to kiss her, tenderly, "It is his deep love for you, Eleanor, that makes him want to guard your heart, from matters that would only plague your soul. It is an honor, not a slight for him to take such care with you."

She let out her breath, "When you say such things in such sweet ways, it is hard to remain offended."

John smiled, "That's the spirit, my dear."

She smiled back, "I should get the rest of my hair down. I'm sure I look like a mess."

"You are beautiful as ever," John said, "But do allow me to assist with your hair. You have knotted it awfully," he said, his tone mildly scolding.

He turned her around, firmly and began to take out the pins before she could offer any argument.

"John?" Eleanor asked, quietly after a while.

"Yes, my dear?" He put the last pin down in her box and then moved to put his hands on her hips.

She looked at him in the mirror. "I don't believe the insurgents are wrong...maybe the way they are going about it, but not the cause of it..."

John let out a long breath, "I know you don't. But you must keep that opinion betwix you and I...where it is safe to speak your mind."

She nodded, "I know."

"Very good," John turned her head gently to kiss her on the lips. "Now what was this business about your husband scolding you?"

"I was pardoned by the governor for that," she said as he kissed her again.

"Were you?" John said, between kisses, "I rather think you were being a tease with Tryon."

There was something in his tone that surprised her. She pulled away from him, "Did that bother you?"

He reached for her and picked her up, her legs wrapping around his waist. "Truth be told, I didn't enjoy my wife being flirtatious with another man..."

"Why is that?" she asked as he plopped her back on the bed, her hair splaying across the pillow.

"I find myself wanting to be the sole recipient of your charming ways," John said, untying the tie to her shift.

"You are," Eleanor reached up to cup his face, "For the record, I did not mean to...I was trying to extradite myself from the conversation."

John pulled up the fabric to her shift, "I know." He leaned in to kiss her, his kisses rough with her as hand rubbed up and down her side. "Great God in heaven, _I must have you._"

"Must you?" Eleanor said, breathless.

"I must, and I do not want anything in my way, " he said, adamantly, pulling her up and untangling her from her shift as well as his own shirt before pushing her forcibly back onto the pillow. He paused, "Truth be told, I do not wish to be gentle tonight. If you are opposed, then you must say something now."

She leaned up to whisper in his ear, "Do your best, Lord John," she said, her voice in a clear challenge, knowing full wrong that there was never a challenge that John Grey failed to meet.

* * *

And afterwards, John traced her arm, drawing lines with his finger between her moles, deep in thought.

"Is there something interesting about the marks on my arm?" Eleanor said, lightly, still out of breath. He had been relentless with her tonight, like he had something to prove to her. She had matched his fervor with her own, but now he almost seemed contemplative about something, withdrawn.

On the whole, Lord John was the most gentle, considerate lover. Even that night after Jamie left, when she got glimpses of his passion when it was unchecked, he wasn't even this completely free with her...he seemed to sense her limits and even in his rawness, stay within those limits he so intuitively seemed to understand. But tonight, he was downright commanding and held her captive, stretching her limits, her endurance in ways that only Jamie Fraser was apt to do in those unrefined times.

"Indeed," John said, his voice light, "I never realized you had so many. I'm trying to see if I can connect them all."

"Like connect the dots?" Eleanor giggled. "Surely that is not what is causing you to be so quiet."

"I'm just," John continued to rub his finger against her arm from mole to mole, "wondering what you have done to me."

"What _I_ have done to _you_?" She stared up at the ceiling for a few minutes.

"The irony of my statement is not lost upon me," John said, wryly.

She grunted, before turning her head again, "Were you really that jealous of one minute of flirtation with Tryon?"

"I could see that he admired you, that he would want you," John continued to trace, "So, I suppose your answer is yes, I was completely jealous."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"That is what I am trying to figure out."

She gave him a gentle smile, "Well, if I fall asleep while you figure it out, don't be offended. It was so tiring today with the children and you completely shattered me right now."

"Yes, go to sleep, my darling," John continued his endeavors, "I shall be well."

"I know that," Eleanor said, yawning. "Once you get outside of your head," she said wryly.

John raised an eyebrow, "Oh you are one to talk, Lady John."

She giggled and then took the pillow and smacked him. John looked at her for a moment, shocked, then his smile widened.

"Now, you've done it, Lady John," he told her, his voice low. He reached for his own pillow to retaliate, sparking a pillow fight and giggle fest that was quite undignified for the ever dignified Lord John.

And when she called mercy yet again, John leaned up over her, kissing her, gently. "I wish to be tender with you now."

"Oh God," Eleanor shook her head, "No, I cannot again. It's not possible."

"Yes, you can," he said, smiling at her. "Just one more time, so we can both fall asleep properly. If I can, then you certainly can."

"Very well," Eleanor said, her eyebrow rising, "_Very_ gentle, my Lord."

"The most gentle," John said, kissing each finger, stopping only briefly over her sapphire. "You are dear to me, Eleanor. Perhaps, I need not understand my feelings- the feelings of irrationality that are provoked deep within me at the very thought of you in the bed of another man."

"I would never..." Eleanor looked in his eyes, "I told you when we were wed, I will honor our vows no matter what."

"Even if that man is James Fraser?" He connected with her, startling her by his sudden movement.

Eleanor winced, "What are you talking about?"

He kissed her gently, moving against her, "If Claire was no longer a factor and Jamie came for you, would you go into his bed?"

Eleanor's eyes darkened and then retorted, "Would you?"

John gave a long, deep chuckle, "Jamie doesn't want me. But I cannot say the same for you. If Claire wasn't here, well, we know what history has shown us."

Eleanor shifted underneath him, uncomfortable, "Hold on. Stay still for a minute."

He stilled immediately, but did not draw away.

"What is going on with you tonight?" her eyes met his as her hand went up to cradle his face, "Are you trying to provoke me? For what purpose?"

He stared at her, "I want to be the one you would choose," his voice was low. "If I am beginning to feel such things with you, I want to be the one you want."

"Lord John," Eleanor swallowed hard. "Half the time I think you are only attracted to me because that you know that James Fraser has had his way with me."

John laughed, "Great God in heaven, Eleanor, to say such a thing..." He pulled away from her to roll over, taking the spot on her side. He offered a hand and pulled her up to sit.

"Am I wrong?" she demanded.

"Yes. No. Maybe," John confessed. "No, I do not think. At first, maybe...in these ways only, for in all other ways I was drawn to you from the beginning because of who you are."

"And who am I?"

He didn't miss a beat, "My best friend."

Her heart melted in spite of it all. "Lord John..." she reached out to rub the side of his face.

"I'm sorry that I am who I am, Eleanor. You deserve a man like James Fraser. He has said as much- that I could never give you the passion you need."

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Jamie doesn't want to think of me being uninhibited with another man...he said it out of jealousy, not out of truth."

"Then you think me capable? There was a time you were anxious of it."

"Good Lord, John Grey, I can barely move from all the passion you gave me tonight," Ellie said, dryly. "I assure you...there is nothing lacking in that area...unless _you_ feel that way. Sometimes, I am unsure of myself, but you are very good about bringing me into better confidence with you."

"No," John let out a breath, "I just...this is not who I am. I have never wished for this...and yet, here we are, and I find myself hopeless endeared to you."

"Does it matter?" Eleanor asked, "that this is not your first wish? Does it matter your motivations about tonight even?"

"Perhaps," John said, slowly, "Perhaps it does not. Perhaps it is simply enough to live moment by moment."

"Then...come and kiss me again, Lord John," Eleanor said, "Let us live in the moment, _right now. _For I can assure you, at this moment, there is no where I'd rather be then in your arms."

He took in her words and then looked at her again. Taking her hand, he kissed it. "I have used you frightfully tonight. If you wish for a reprieve..."

She inclined her head, "Get over here. Morning will be here before we know it...and I'm going to need all my wits at breakfast to not embarrass you with my opinions."

He slid over to her, kissing her neck gently. He nuzzled his face in it, "You do not embarrass me. I only wish caution for your own good, my dear."

"I know," she said, her hands on his back. "Now, let's stop all this contemplative talk. I wish for you to exhaust me further."

"That can most certainly be arranged," he said. "For at the moment, there is no where I'd rather be...than with you."

* * *

"Fergus!" Mac and Sam bounded up to their brother, throwing themselves at him as Marsali grinned in delight.

Rosie was clinging to Eleanor's skirts and Hope had fallen asleep in her arms.

"I'm so sorry for the less than formal greeting," Eleanor said, but then went to give both Fergus and Marsali a one armed hugged. "How I have missed you both though!"

"As have we, Ellie," Fergus said, smiling at her, still poking around with the boys.

"And I cannot wait to meet Germain," Eleanor said.

"And us meet Hope," Fergus said.

John had cleared his throat slightly and Eleanor stopped, "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I forgot, Marsali, I do not think you ever formally met Lord John."

She stepped back and looked at John sheepishly, "I am really no good at all of this."

John gave her an encouraging smile and she continued,

"Lord John, may I introduce or reintroduce some of the dearest people on earth? Fergus and Marsali Fraser. Fergus, Marsali, my husband, Lord John Grey."

"I am most pleased to make your acquaintance, Mistress Fraser" John bowed, "especially as Eleanor speaks so highly of you. And Fergus, it is a pleasure to see you again."

Fergus bowed, the boys still hanging on him, "Lord John. Welcome to our home."

Marsali smiled, curtsying,"Verra pleased to meet ye, Lord John."

"Boys, take care not to smother your brother," Eleanor said and Fergus chuckled, "Let the boys be, mi lady. I'm very glad to see them too." He tossed Sam over his shoulder. "Is this Hope?" He came to get a closer peek. "She is close in age to our Germain."

"Yes, indeed," Eleanor said. "This is Hope Emmeline..." she paused over her daughter's surname. "Grey."

Marsali looked underneath her bonnet, "Look at that mop of wee red curls. Such a bonny name for a wee lassie," She smiled at her friend, "You do ken we call Jamie Grandperre now."

Eleanor glanced at Fergus, "I'm sure Jamie loves that," She looked over her shoulder to John, who hid a smirk, "At least the sentiment, if not the fact it ages him quite a bit."

"And Claire, Granny," Fergus offered, "We wish for Germain to call mi lady something, but Marsali assured me that, you would not be offended, to not be called Granny yourself."

Eleanor looked to Marsali and laughed, "Thank you, Marsali for that. Our children will grow up more as cousins more than the aunt and uncles and nieces and nephews they are."

"That is what I was telling Fergus," Marsali said, "And we are verra happy indeed fer it, Ellie."

Mac had been to run circles around John and Lord John leaned down to give him a firm reprimand to mind his manners.

"In fact," Fergus looked to Marsali, "We wish for you, Eleanor, to be Germain's godmother, for it doesn't seem right that mi lady not have a special place in his life."

Eleanor's eyes filled with tears as she went back over to Fergus, "You have been with me from the very beginning of this journey and I thank you for it. I'd be honored," she kissed his cheek.

"Ah, do not weep," Fergus said, still dangling Sam over his shoulder.

"Aye, I agree, no tears," Marsali said, firmly, "Come, Ellie, we can put the sleeping bairn down on our bed. And we can sneak a wee peek at Germain." She knelt down, "Rosie Fraser, ye dinna have to act all shy. We are ye family, ye ken." She offered the girl her hand and Rosie took it, but stuck her thumb in her mouth.

Eleanor laid Hope on the bed, "I thank you for welcoming us Marsali. I did not want to intrude but we couldn't be within a two days journey and miss the opportunity to see you again."

"Of course, ye are no intruding," Marsali said. "We are honored that ye are willing to take the time. Fergus loves those wee lads as his brothers, ye ken. And Rosie here..." she paused, "and now wee Hope."

She paused, sensing something from the other woman. She knew about Hope.

"Marsali," she cleared her throat, "I know that you...and Fergus...I mean...you were on the ship...when we thought Claire had died...and you saw how Jamie was..."

"Aye, and we both ken that it was ye that convinced him to come to his senses...and I ken ye dinnae come back to the room that we were sharin that night. And Fergus was with Murtagh, so we ken ye were not with him..." she paused, "Ye dinnae have to fear me sayin anythin about Hope. She is clear as the nose on yer face that she is a Fraser, but if Jamie and Claire want to deny it, then I am not goin to be the one to stir matters. I will, myself and Fergus as well, look upon her as one of our family. She canna think that she isna loved especially when the other wee uns are so adored by us all."

Tears filled Eleanor's eyes, "Thank you," she whispered.

"Of course," Marsali said, nodding.

"It isn't Jamie's fault. I haven't told him."

Marsali gave her a look, "Jamie Fraser has never been a fool, Ellie. She looks like a Fraser. If he dinnae say, it is fer Claire's sake...and I suspect fer ye as weel."

"I was an idiot."

"No," Marsali said, calmly, "Ye were his wife. And what ye did fer him that night was what ye should have done. Who would ken that Claire would have nine lives?"

Eleanor giggled, "Oh, I have missed you and our long conversations. At least we aren't on that rolling ship anymore."

"Aye, tis a gut thing indeed," Marsali said as she reached for Germain and Eleanor opened up her arms and took the boy, "Oh, my, he is handsome. Like his Papa," she said, smiling.

* * *

"Lord John," Fergus shuffled the boys off of his lap, "There is a rather delicate matter I wish to discuss in mi Lord's absence."

"Of course," John inclined his head, "Perhaps, the boys can stay here and entertain themselves while we go out."

"Yes, that will do," Fergus said as Marsali and Eleanor came back out.

"Where are you going?" Eleanor asked, titling her head.

"Fergus is going to to accompany me so we can see about lodgings," he leaned to kiss Eleanor, "Enjoy your time with Mistress Fraser."

Eleanor looked at him quizzically, but he gave her a small smile that could only meant she needed to mind her own business.

Fergus and John left, turning the door behind.

"It was fortuitous that you came when you did, Lord John," Fergus said.

"What is it?" John asked.

Fergus cleared his throat, "I do not know how to say...or what to say on this matter. It involves mi lady and as you know I am most fond of her. I do not wish to see her hurt."

"If it involves my wife," John turned to him, "Then you _must_ make me aware of the situation."

"We never found his body, you know."

John paused, "Great God in heaven, you do not mean..."

"He is alive. Headed to Fraser's Ridge as we speak."

"Jamie is not there. He had to travel," John took care to even his breathing. "Where has he been all this time?"

"Apparently, he hit his head, lost his memories for a while. Met a fellow Scot and settled with him. Made his home in North Carolina not far from Cross Creek. He was working for a blacksmith when there was an explosion, bringing the memories back."

John looked at him, incredulously, "That is unfathomable."

"Then when he did remember, he saw in the papers that mi Lord was granted a parcel of land by the governor. It is what led him to Wilmington."

"Did he ask after Eleanor?"

"Yes, he did," Fergus said, "I didn't know what to say, so I said he must ask mi Lord. He said if he didn't find mi Lord, he would return home and that I should tell mi Lord where to find him. But the concern is- with mi Lord's obligation to Governor Tryon, Murtagh has mixed himself in with the regulators."

John's eyes widened, "This news gets more complicated with the telling, does it not?"

"Yes, indeed," Fergus said. "What do you wish to do?"

"I must take Eleanor to River Run on an errand for Jamie. Did he tell you about Mistress Fraser?"

Fergus nodded, "Yes, I know. And I know the truth about both mi ladies...where they have come from."

"Very good," John nodded.

Fergus turned towards John, "Marsali and i wish to leave Wilmington, to make our home at Fraser's Ridge. Perhaps, if we pass through Cross Creek, we can give a message to Murtagh for you in lieu of mi Lord's presence."

"Yes," John nodded, "I shall compose a letter to Mister Fitzgibbons and then allow Jamie to handle this sorrid mess when he returns. Lady John is my wife...by the law and by the church and that shall not change. However, I am happy for Jamie that his godfather did not meet his demise...even if this business with the regulators does make it more complicated."

"What will you tell mi lady?" Fergus asked.

"What I must," John said. "There is no avoiding it. I do not welcome that task. She will be happy for she was fond of Mr. Fitzgibbons and truly heartbroken at his death, but she will feel guilt, as she knows that I was far from Mr. Fitzgibbons' favorite person...and he certainly will not approve of her marriage."

Fergus lowered his voice, "There is the child to consider. If Murtagh does not claim Hope as his, will it cause Claire to question? Or if he claims Hope as his own, he could cause problems for mi lady?"

John looked at him sharply, "Do you know the truth of the matter?"

"Yes, Marsali and I were both on the ship. There was one night that Eleanor didn't return to her cabin and since Murtagh was with me, we figured who she was with, especially when mi Lord acted like himself the next morn. Mi lady always could bring mi Lord out of his despair."

"Lady John has a beautiful disposition," John said, "It is what I admire the most of her. Her intuitiveness and her kindness. But just that one instance, does not make the child a Fraser.

"That would be so, but," Fergus paused, "Forgive me for saying, Lord John, but it is rather obvious. The babes all except Sam, take after their father. And even Sam takes after mi Lord in other ways. Do they not?"

"Yes, they do," John looked heavenwards, "God help us all."

* * *

"My God," Eleanor sat down on the sofa, "I'm glad for it of course. He is a good man. And good for Jamie. Jamie needs his godfather. Oh, this will be so wonderful for him...and for Mac as well, for Murtagh is Mac's godfather. I think Mac is sometimes jealous of you and Sam's godfather/godson relationship."

John frowned, "I did not realize. I am his stepfather."

She paused, "Are you?"

John cleared his throat, "If you were truly only handfasted, we were legally wed, Ellie." He paused, and then sat down next to her, "But," he nudged her, and she turned towards him, "if that is not what you wish...if you wish to...resume your relationship," he paused, "I will figure out a way."

She reached for his hand, kissing it, "You, Lord John Grey, are a blessing to me...and you are my husband. Murtagh married me because he is a man of honor and because he was genuinely affectionate towards me. But he did not want me. He will not try to claim me."

"Are you certain of that?" John asked, quietly.

"I think so," She bit her lip and then added, "I adore Murtagh, but our relationship was not good for either of us. It was a battle of wills and him bending my will to that of Jamie's. I cannot do it again. I cannot be subject to Jamie and Claire's every whim."

"I know," John let out a long breath, "It complicates matters."

Eleanor shrugged, "Everything is always so complicated anyway."

John's voice was low, "Hope."

Eleanor closed her eyes tightly, "I do not know."

"I could convince him to still claim the child and let us raise her..."

Eleanor shook her head, swiftly, "No. If we were married, it would be one matter. But I do not wish him to be in that position or myself for that matter. If Hope cannot be a Fraser, then she is a Grey."

"But, Claire..."

"That is Jamie's business," Eleanor said, quietly. "If Murtagh tells Jamie that Hope is not his and that Jamie is her father, then Jamie can decide what he wishes to do with the information. And if Murtagh keeps quiet, then all the better. If he is mixed in with the Regulators, then he'll have enough problems on his own. We will hardly see him."

"But you are planning to spend time at Fraser's Ridge when Jamie returns, are you not?"

"I suppose I cannot escape it...for the children's sake," Eleanor bit her lip, "I wish James was here."

"I know," John said, quietly. "Would you tell him the truth if he was?"

"I think I would," Eleanor nodded."Every time I see him with Rosie, my heart breaks for Hope. Marsali said something to me today. She said that Hope deserves to be loved just as much as the others by her family...and its true."

"Then you should tell him regardless," John said, "If keeping this secret from Jamie is causing you distress...regardless of Mr. Fitzgibbons, you should tell him."

"Unless the circumstances force me too, when it comes down to it," She twisted her hands and then looked to him, "I just cannot tell him that I have lied to him...bold faced lied, John. I'm not brave enough to own up to my deception."

"You felt you had no other recourse but to..."

"I'm not sure that truly matters in the end," Eleanor said, quietly, "Thank you for telling me, John. I'm tired. We leave early for River Run. I will need my rest to face the coming days."

He nodded. "Goodnight, my dear. I will come to bed shortly."

Eleanor forced a smile and then left John alone. Going over to the desk, he pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. And after a few minutes of reflection, he began to write...the quill scratching against the parchment as he did.

**A/N**: So this chapter was going to be River Run, but it took a bit of a detour. River Run up next...


	31. Chapter 31

**A/N**:I hope everyone is staying well...everything feels so surreal. Thank you to all who have offered feedback and encouragement to this story. Please let me know what you think...:)

**Chapter 31**:

Eleanor forced a smile at Lord John, who helped her down from the carriage. His hand still in hers, he held her gaze for a few moments, the children running circles around them.

Even though it was shorter by boat, Eleanor had shared her fear of their active children traveling by boat and that one would wiggle and topple over. John had acquiesced and changed their traveling plans accordingly. Rosie and Hope had nearly cried the entire way. Mac and Sam had taken turns either fighting with each other or complaining about the long journey. Even the steady Lord John's patience had been tried, which was saying much about the situation. He had finally stopped the carriage and taken both boys out for a walk and a discussion. Eleanor figured John had really laid into them because they had come back quieter and Eleanor had used that time to get Hope asleep, and give Rosie extra snuggles, and calming words.

The door opened and Jocasta Cameron came out, being helped down the stairs by Ulysses.

"Auntie," Mac ran up to her, Sam following at his heels, before John could grab him and proper introductions be made.

It was no matter because as soon as Jocasta heard Mac's voice, her face lit up into a smile as she welcomed the boy.

"Do ye remember yer Auntie even if it has been months, James MacKenzie?" Jocasta said, her hand on Mac's head, rubbing it gently.

"Of course, I do," Mac said, "we missed ye so much, Auntie."

"Oh my dear lad," Jocasta said, "I am so verra glad ye have returned to me."

"And me too?" Sam asked, hopping up and down on one foot.

"Of course, Samuel," Jocasta laughed. "And before ye ask, Rosie too." She patted Samuel's head as well. "But before we continue, ye must introduce me to this mother I have heard so much about."

"Mama, come here," Mac said, seriously, "Auntie wants to greet ye."

Jocasta laughed again as Eleanor approached her, curtseying, "Mistress Cameron, it is a pleasure," she said, sincerely. "Thank you for having us."

Jocasta put out her hand, "My dear, ye are family. Of course, ye can visit River Run whenever ye please and I do hope that will be often."

Eleanor took her hand and she squeezed it. "Thank you."

"I do hope ye will call me auntie as well," Jocasta said, clasping her other hand around their joined hands, "I dinnae ken all the particulars of everything, but I ken enough that ye will always be our family."

Eleanor visibly relaxed, "I cannot tell you how much that means to me, Auntie." She squeezed her hand and dropped it, "May I introduce to you my husband, Lord John Grey?"

"Mistress Cameron, a pleasure," John said, bowing.

"The pleasure is ours, Lord John," She said, curtseying.

Hope began to cry on cue and Rosie had a pout began to stomp her foot. Mac and Sam began to grow restless and poke and prod at each other, arguing as they did.

Eleanor took Hope from Susanna and she immediately buried her face in her neck. Rosie began to lift her hands to be picked up, whining and pouting as she did and Eleanor bent down to give her a word.

"I do apologize, Auntie," Eleanor said as John grabbed both boys and held them, stilling them with a quiet command, "It has been a trying journey...for all of us."

She exchanged a look with John who gave her a weary smile.

"Oh my dears," Jocasta said, "what a journey to make with the wee uns. Come in and let us get you settled. Mac and Sam can be taken fer a walk and then warm meal will do wonders. And Rosie and..." she paused. "I apologize I do not ken the bairn's name..."

"Hope," Eleanor said.

"A wee lassie then. That is gut, a lass needs a sister to grow up with just like I had my Ellen," Jocasta said. "the wee lasses can take a rest. We have plenty of ones who can look after the children so ye dinna have to fash aboot them while they are here. And if they are lively and strong of will, then I'd say all the better fer they are of MacKenzie blood, are they no?"

"Indeed," Eleanor laughed, "I'm glad you feel that way."

"Ye never have to apologize for the wee uns to me. Perhaps, ye would like a respite and later we can meet fer tea? Brianna is resting but I ken that she is eager to meet her wee brothers and sister. She will join us later. Does that sound agreeable?"

"That sounds perfect," Eleanor said.

* * *

Eleanor swallowed hard as John's hand squeezed hers. She had managed some rest but as she got dressed again, her anxiety was palatable. They walked down the staircase and once at the bottom John spoke.

"Eleanor," he titled his head and she stepped to the side, so they were not in view of the sitting room.

"Yes?" she asked.

"You must calm yourself," John murmured to her. "This tension will not serve you well."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, wringing her hands.

"Don't apologize," his voice was barely audible. "Tell me how I can help you navigate this."

"I don't know," she murmured.

"What are you worried about?" he pressed.

"What if she is cool towards the children because of me?" Eleanor breathed in.

"They will hardly notice," John countered, "for as much as their auntie dotes on them."

"I need to know that no matter what Hope will be cared for...that she will feel a part of something, a family."

"No matter what Hope will be cared for," John said, soothingly. "She is a part of our family, the one you and I are forming together. I will not let any one hurt Hope...or you for that matter. Now, put your chin up, Lady John."

She nodded and he leaned to kiss her cheek. He leaned in to whisper in her ear, "You do not need to feel shame, Eleanor, for Hope. She was borne out of love and she will be raised with love. I adore our daughter already, Ellie, along with the rest of our impish Fraser brood."

She swallowed again, but managed a chuckle. "I know."

He looked around and then kissed her gently on the lips. "Come now, darling."

She looked up into his eyes. "Do you find me likable?"

"Extremely so," John didn't hesitate. "I have liked you from the very beginning."

He led her into the entrance of the drawing room and Ulysses leaned down to whisper in Jocasta's ear, "Lord and Lady John are here."

Jocasta rose, "Welcome," she greeted them warmly. "Did ye have a gut rest?"

"Very much so," Eleanor said, "I did not realize how weary I truly was." Her eyes went to Brianna, who was standing up at their entrance. She looked so very much like Jamie. Her heart nearly froze.

"I'm verra glad," Jocasta said, "May I introduce to ye, my niece Brianna Fraser. Brianna, Lord and Lady John."

John's hand was tight in hers as she curtseyed and he bowed.

"Mistress Fraser," John said, "It is a pleasure to finely meet your acquaintance. Eleanor and myself are delighted."

Brianna curtseyed, "Lord and Lady John." Her head had the same Fraser tilt, just like her father and her siblings. At that moment, Eleanor saw through the facade, realizing Brianna was just as unsure, in this time and in this land as herself.

Eleanor glanced at Jocasta and then dropped John's hand to cross the room to Brianna. John knowingly went to go engage Jocasta in conversation, allowing Eleanor a moment of privacy with Brianna.

She reached out to lightly touch her arm, rubbing it softly, "Please call me Eleanor. Lady John is so formal. I'm so happy to meet you finally. Your mother and father talk of you constantly. It is good to finally put the face with the name."

Bree's expression softened. "Thank you. Of course, call me Bree."

"Bree," Eleanor smiled. "I didn't know if after tea you would like to meet the children. Jamie and Claire have told them of you and they are eager to meet you...but..." she paused, "I understand if you would not like to. I don't want you to feel obligated."

"Of course, I'd like to meet them," Bree said, "They are my family. Mama is fond of them as well."

"Your mother is so good with them," Eleanor said, honestly, "Sometimes I feel much better than myself."

Brianna now almost completely relaxed. "Da says they are..." she paused, "how did he put it?"

"Probably called them wee rascals, or wee bhobains" Eleanor said, "And they are that. But very sweet."

"Eleanor," John said, drawing her attention to him, "Mistress Cameron is having a supper party tonight. I would like to attend but she said that if you would like to beg off on this occasion seeing how you just arrived, she would not take it personally."

"That is so kind of you, Auntie," Eleanor said, "I confess I am concerned about the little ones are their first night here."

"Aye," Jocasta nodded, "Is Rosie still having the nightmares?"

Eleanor let out a sigh, "Yes, she is."

"Ah, poor lassie," Jocasta said, "What the wee uns went through, tis no wonder that the effects are long lasting."

Ulysses came in, "Tea is ready, Mistress."

"Thank you, Ulysses," Jocasta said, taking his arm. "This way if you please."

They took tea and retired again to the sitting room, when Susanna brought in the children.

"Auntie," Sam bounded up to her. "I wanna ride a horse!"

Eleanor and John exchanged glances as Eleanor went to take Hope from Susanna and hold out her hand for Rosie, who was now sucking her thumb.

John stood and went over to his godson, "You are being quite rude, Samuel," John said, "And we have told you before about the horses. When you are Mac's age..."

"But Da taught William when he was wee..." Sam whined. "So I wanna ride too!"

Eleanor couldn't hide her shock, "Who told you that?"

"William," Mac said, quietly.

Eleanor swallowed hard and looked at John who gave her a small shake of the head, entreating her to move on.

"Regardless," John's voice turned stern, "You have failed to noticed that there is someone you have not met in this room."

Brianna stood and then went over to the children, "Hello there."

Mac paused, "Ye look like us."

She gave a grin, "That is because I am your sister," she said, bending down to get on eye level with them, "And I'm glad to meet you. You must be Mac," she ruffled his hair and then reached to poke Sam, "And you must be Sam. I'm Brianna, but you can call me Bree if you want to."

"Mama said ye would be here," Mac said, "I'm verra glad to meet ye."

John put his hand on Mac's head, "Well done, Mac," he said, praising him and giving Sam a look.

"I dinnae like sisters verra much," he continued to whine, "all they do is cry and cry."

Brianna laughed and Jocasta snorted, "The lad is honest aboot it at least," she said.

Eleanor frowned at him, "That is really unkind, Samuel," she chided, but on cue, Rosie and Hope began to fuss.

"See! I told ye tis true," Samuel said as Brianna straightened and Jocasta laughed some more.

"It is verra gut to have the wee uns back, Ellie," she said. "They do keep the house lively."

"That is a very diplomatic way of putting it, Auntie," Eleanor said, wryly, as she shifted Hope on her other hip, and attempted to reach to pick Rosie up too, but Brianna went over to her.

"Hello," she said, her voice kind, "You must be Rosie. I always wanted a sister," she said, gripping her hand. "I heard we have the same name."

"That's right, you do," Eleanor said, as Rosie stopped crying, "You were both named after your grandmother, Auntie's sister."

Rosie pointed to herself, "Rosie Ellen."

Breanna leaned to kiss her sister's head, "I'm Brianna Ellen. I know we are going to be good friends," she said, kindly.

Rosie put out her hand for Brianna and Bree took it.

Eleanor smiled gratefully, still jiggling Hope. Brianna glanced at Hope, "What is her name?" she said, her voice trembling slightly.

Eleanor looked to John, who immediately picked up on Brianna's waver in her voice.

"This is Hope," John said, reaching for her and taking her from Eleanor's arms.

"Hope," Jocasta said, her voice smooth, "That is a verra unusual name, Ellie. Is there a story behind it?"

Eleanor glanced at Brianna and then looked at John, "I suppose I was deprived of hope for so long with what had happened that when she was born, it was like she was a gift to me...to remember that there is always hope if you reach for it."

"That is verra lovely," Jocasta said, "I'm certain it is fitting name for the wee un. Brianna, my dear, we should retire to prepare for supper?"

"Of course," Brianna smiled at her aunt and gently let go of Rosie's hand. "It was very nice to meet you all." She leaned down to the boys, "And we will have to do something to show you boys that sister can be just as fun." she leaned down, "Maybe not at River Run, but when we get back to the Ridge, we can go hunting or fishing."

Sam looked excited, "Yeah!" He then looked sheepish, "Yer kinda fun fer a girl."

Brianna giggled, her laughter filling the room.

* * *

"I feel like she knows," Eleanor said as she watched Tom help John with his clothes. The children were eating an early supper in the kitchens and Eleanor would put them to bed afterwards.

John glanced at her out of the corner of his eye, "I would not fret, my dear."

"But I do worry," Eleanor said, biting her thumb. "It's like the worst hid secret of the whole family."

John took the vest from Tom, "Go on. I can finish from here." He waited until Tom left the room. "In my mind, you have two alternatives. Either bring everything out into the open or continue to attempt to hide the truth. Regardless, it will not change my vow to you. I will care for Hope as my own."

She hopped off the bed and went to him, and began to button his vest for him, "You are the finest man of my acquaintance," she said, "And I do thank you, Lord John."

His eyes twinkled. "You are most welcome." He paused, studying her, "Your answer to Mistress Cameron's question was eloquent and heartfelt, Eleanor. Do you feel more hope these days?"

"Of course," Eleanor said, reaching her hand up to touch his face, "How can I not, with you by my side?"

John leaned down to kiss her and Eleanor twined her arms around his neck, returning his kiss.

"Hum," John pulled away. "You better go sit over there or I will be hopelessly late for supper."

She laughed and kissed him one more time before going and doing what he said. "Are you fine with me staying here?"

"Of course," John said, "Since Mistress Cameron mentioned it. Though I have to say that the purpose of supper might be two fold."

Eleanor frowned, "What does that mean?"

"She invited two of the most eligible bachelors in the county. She is trying to arrange a match for Brianna."

"Oh God," Eleanor rose again. "But Brianna is already married."

"She is handfast, dearest, which doesn't hold the weight in the colonies as it does in Scotland," John said, wryly. "Which is very well for us, otherwise I'd still be calling you Madam Fitzgibbons."

"True," Eleanor titled her head in contemplation, "Yet, it could mean something. They could very well follow it with a marriage, because they married for love, whereas Murtagh and I did not."

"And what if her husband never returns? Mistress Cameron is being exceedingly practical about the situation."

Eleanor bit her lip, "Did Jamie tell you _everything_?"

John glanced at her, "Apparently not." The clock struck. "I must go." He reached for his jacket. "Do not feel like you must wait up. Even with the rest this afternoon, you are looking weary."

She nodded, "I have to admit I am fighting a headache."

He frowned deeper, "Do you wish me to beg off supper and help you with the children?"

"Of course, not," Eleanor said, "You must go, especially if Auntie is trying to arrange a match for Bree. Do a bit of interference, John."

"Surely not," John said, "That would be distasteful. No, it is best to allow events to unfold as they will."

Eleanor sighed, "Now I do wish I was going to supper."

John gave her a look of reproach and then walked back over to where she was standing to give her another kiss, "Say goodnight to the little ones for me."

"I will." Eleanor smiled at him. "Have fun."

He winked at her before leaving her alone to join the others downstairs.

* * *

The lightning lit up the sky followed by booms of thunder. Eleanor sighed as she reached for her dressing gown, wrapping it tightly around her and reaching for a candle. She managed to light it and then go down the hall to check on the children. It was still early, yet she had managed to get them all in bed and asleep with relative ease- the children exhausted from the journey.

She could hear Rosie screaming from down the hall as she met Susanna in the hallway.

"I saw the storm comin in off the river," Susanna said. "Do you wish me to get Lord John?"

"No," Eleanor said, "he is probably still entertaining everyone with his social charms at supper," she said, smiling a bit but then jumped at another clap of thunder. "Good Lord, I hate storms."

Rosie's cries were joined by what was surely her sister and Eleanor went into the room. She handed the candle to Susanna. "Little girls, it is alright. It's just a little thunder. Come to Mama," she picked up Hope and then gathered Rosie close to her. The two girls were shivering in fear. Sam and Mac ran into the room.

"Are you two scared too?" Eleanor asked as they both clung to her legs- the girls in her arms. "Oh my."

"Mac," Eleanor said, her voice soothing, "Will you take Hope and carry her to my room while Susanna takes the candle? Sam, hold onto my hand while I carry Rosie. Okay, all of us will be just fine."

She led them back to the room and they all climbed into bed with her. Rosie was still crying, but Mac had his arm around Hope who had started to snuggle back into him, her head on his chest. Sam was clinging to her arm. The thunder shook the house.

Eleanor's heartbeat quickened as she nearly jumped with that next clap of thunder. She hated thunderstorms almost as much as the children.

"Mama," Mac said, "Ye dinnae like storms, do ye?"

"No, darling," Eleanor said, "I don't." She looked to Susanna, "Would you mind getting the children something to drink? Maybe that would help."

She nodded, "I think it might. Will you be well?"

She forced a smile for the sake of the children, "Of course, its just a little storm."

Susanna left the room, closing the door behind.

"What do ye do when ye are scarrit of the storm, mama?" Mac asked.

Eleanor gave a wide smile, "I sing a song."

"Jesus loves me?" Sam asked, huddling into Mac.

"No, a different one. One that I learned a very long time ago. Let's see if I can remember the words..._Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens..."_

She sung the entire song, Favorite Things, from _The Sound of Music._

"Where did ye learn that song Mama?" Mac asked. "I'd never heard such a thing."

Eleanor laughed, "You wouldn't believe me if I told ye."

"Did ye learn it from yer time?" Mac asked.

Eleanor froze, "What do you mean, sweetheart?" she sputtered out, in shock.

"The evil lady...she said ye were a time traveler. Da said ye are not, but I heard ye and Da talkin at the Ridge."

"When you were supposed to be sleeping?" Eleanor's eyes were on him.

"Aye, but..." Mac jumped as another clap of thunder shook the house.

"We will talk about it later...with Da when he returns."

"Not with Lord John?"

"No, I think we need your Da for this conversation," She leaned over to kiss his head, "I'm not angry. I just want us to talk more. And do not mention what you think you know to anyone, okay, Mac? It's really important."

"Okay, Mama," he said, seriously.

"Now, then," Eleanor gathered Rosie and Hope closer, "Let's sing another song."

"I wish Da was here," Sam said, seriously.

"Da often calmed me down during storms," Eleanor admitted.

_Eleanor nearly jumped from the storm that rattled the house. She pulled up the blanket to cover her head. _

_Jamie stirred and she could almost feel his amusement as his head dunked under the covers with her. _

_"What are ye doin, lass?" he whispered. _

_The thunder shook the house again and Eleanor winced. "Oh, nothing."_

_"Dinna seem like nothin," Jamie retorted. His nose was nearly touching hers. _

_"You were supposed to stay asleep."_

_"The thunder woke me up as weel," Jamie said, "it is a blunder of a storm." Jamie pulled the covers down. "Why are ye __hiding under the blanket?"_

_"I don't really like storms all that much," Eleanor said._

_"Ye dinnae say," Jamie said, dryly. "I canna tell..."_

_"is it that obvious?" Eleanor winced and jumped as the house shook again. _

_"Ach," Jamie snorted, "Weel, get yerself over here." He opened his arms and Eleanor went into them. She sighed as Jamie's arms came securely around her._

_"You think me to be a fool," she said, softly. _

_"Nah," Jamie said, fiddling with her hair, "We all have our vices, Eleanor."_

_"I was just hoping we could be married a little longer before you figure out mine."_

_"I already have most of them figured out," Jamie said, dryly. _

_Eleanor pulled away to look at him, "Oh, you do, do you?" She could help but grin.  
_

_"Aye," Jamie said, "But before ye ask, I willna tell them to ye fer I'd never have any peace again with ye."_

_She giggled and then the shook slightly as the storm continued to rage. "Perhaps a distraction, Jamie?"_

_"What do ye have in mind?" Jamie asked, raising an eyebrow. _

_She titled her head, "If you are so good at knowing my vices, then you should be able to read my mind right now."_

_"I dinna say that," Jamie said, wryly, "I canna seem to follow how yer mind works, Eleanor."_

_"Good," Eleanor said, but was silenced when Jamie pounced on her. Eleanor giggled as she wiggled underneath him. _

_"I dinnae say I could read yer mind, but I ken my own mind," Jamie said, quieting her with a passionate kiss. "I can take yer mind off the storm if ye'd like."_

_Eleanor looked up into his eyes. Her only response was to lean up to kiss him again._

"How did Da make ye feel better?" Mac asked. "I dinnae think he sings to ye."

Eleanor blushed, her mind returning to the present. "No, darling, not anymore."

"I wish Da was here," Sam said. "I miss him."

Rosie stuck her thumb in her mouth, "Da," she whimpered.

"I know you all miss your Da," Eleanor said, softly. "He will be home before we know it."

"Do ye miss Da, Mama?" Mac asked.

"I do," Eleanor said, seriously, "I will always miss your Da." Her heart twisted again and she forced in her emotions, "Let's sing another song," she said quietly.

* * *

He came back much later, Eleanor stirring as he did.

"John," she sat up. "What time is it?"

"Late," he said.

She yawned, "I must have fallen asleep."

John looked over across the room, holding his candle, "I see we have visitors in our bed. Great God in heaven, is that all four of them?"

Eleanor looked sheepish. "The storm earlier scared them."

"Ah," John nodded. "It was frightful. How did you fare?"

She gave him a lopsided grin in the candlelight, "I didn't quite enjoy it either, truth be told."

John came to sit on the bed next to her. He leaned to kiss the top of her head, "I should have come to you."

"Susanna came and sat with me and the children," Eleanor confessed. "Where were you all night? Surely dinner did not last this long?"

John paused, "I was catching up with an old friend."

There is something about the way John said it that made Eleanor pause. "How close of a friend?" she whispered.

"Eleanor," John reached out to finger her face, "Let us get the children back in their own bed and we shall talk."

She nodded, "I have something to discuss with you as well." She looked to the bed, "Do we have to move them? They are all so peaceful."

John snorted, "Yes, my darling. Their little elbows are very pointy when protruding into one's ribs."

She giggled.

"Shh," he hushed, "You'll wake them up...and then there is no hope."

She swung her legs over to walk over to John. She put her arms around him. "You do care for me, do you not?"

He held her tightly against him, "Do you doubt it?

"No," she whispered, "I just want you to be happy, John."

He pulled away and raised his hand to cup her face, "I am happy, dearest Eleanor. Do not doubt that for a minute." He gave her a small smile as he put a finger to her lips, "Come, we must talk. But we above all else, we must not wake those children."

She smiled at him, "Okay."

He titled his head and she leaned into kiss him playfully, "I can speak the way I want when I am with you."

He matched her smile, "Yes, you can."

He pulled away from her and reached for Mac, while Eleanor grabbed Sam. After transferring them in their beds, they did the same for Rosie and Hope. When they were done, she sat back down on the bed to watch John undress.

"Do you wish to tell me first?" Eleanor said, "or should I talk?"

"Go on," John said, lying his jacket across the chair, "What is on your mind?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "I believe that Mac has put two and two together and realized that I am from another time."

John stilled and then heavily turned towards her, "What makes you say that?"

"Well," Eleanor rose to go over to him, hugging herself to stand in front of him, "I sung a song from my time and he asked where I learned it...and whether I learned it from my time."

John let out a long breath, "We have talked about discretion, Ellie."

"Do not scold me," Eleanor retorted, "The poor children were scared and truth be told, I was too. Houses get struck by lightening and burn down in this time. So...yeah, I don't like storms."

John's look turned tender, "You do not have to fear so, Eleanor."

"It's the way I spend my life."

"It shouldn't be."

She smiled at him, "I know."

"How do you wish to proceed with Mac?" John asked.

"I told him that when Jamie comes home, that the three of us will have a long chat about it," Eleanor said, "I just don't feel comfortable admitting anything to Mac about all of that, without consulting Jamie's opinion."

He nodded, "I agree. That is a decision you and he should make together. Did you urge him to keep his thoughts to himself?"

She nodded, "I did."

"Very good," he nodded and then went to guide her to sit on the bed. "Did you find it odd what Sam said about William?"

She sighed, "Why wouldn't he tell us that he recognized Jamie?"

"I am uncertain of that myself," John reflected, twining his hands, "My only thought is perhaps to protect you if he felt that you married beneath you without realizing the truth."

She raised an eyebrow, "Instead of you marrying beneath you with me..."

"I happen to feel that I married above me," John said.

She gave him a smile, "That is really sweet, John."

John leaned to kiss her head, "About tonight..." he reached for her hand, "I do not wish you to get angry."

She squeezed his hand, "So the friend...he was a former lover?"

John nodded, "But not a current one, though he might have wished to be."

"I see," she clasped his hand tighter, "Do you wish him to be?"

John reached to turn her face towards him, "No."

"Are you sure?" she whispered.

He nodded, "I will always hold fast the vow I made to you, Eleanor."

"Because of your honor?" Eleanor's voice was barely audible.

"No, my dear," John said, "because I desire to."

Eleanor's heart nearly melted. She raised his hand to kiss it. "Come, I'm exhausted. Will you not hold me as I fall asleep?"

"Of course, I will," John said. "Were you really that frightened during the storm?" He went around the bed.

"Entirely," Eleanor said, climbing in the bed and then scooting towards him, him wrapping his arms around her. They didn't say another word to each other, but soon John could hear the steadiness of her breathing as sleep overtook her. He gently untangled her from him and turned over to succumb to sleep himself.

* * *

"I need your help," Brianna said, walking with Lord John along the River.

"What can I do?"

"I cannot marry," Bree said, adamantly, "What can we do to prevent my aunt's meddling?"

"I couldn't presume to interfere," John said, his voice low.

"But she respects you...your station...if you intercede, then I know she will back off of her match making."

"Brianna," John's voice was patient, "I happen to agree with your aunt. You should marry. Given what you said of your condition last night, time is of the essence."

"But I cannot," Tears filled Brianna's eyes. "Lord John, if you refuse to help me...then I regret to say that I shall have to tell Eleanor what I saw last night."

John stilled and turned towards, "I don't know what you think you saw..."

"I am quite certain of what I saw," Bree said, adamantly.

"No, I am most certain you are not," John said, his voice low. "I happen to hold the vows I made to my wife with the upmost regard."

"Be that as it may...my supposed suitor...he was a former lover, wasn't he?" Brianna said, her eyebrows creasing, working out the situation. "Don't you think your wife would be interested in _that?_"

John titled his head and his jaw tightened, "I will ask you to leave my wife out of this."

"Does she know then?" she paused. "About your preferences? And she married you anyway?"

John remained silent, his jaw tight.

"Then, I will write letters...to the governor, to anybody..." Brianna said. "I must have your help."

John turned on his heels towards her, "Do you not know what the penalty is for such? I would be ruined...along with Eleanor and your brothers and sister. Would you do such a thing just because I said I would not interfere?"

Brianna stumbled over her words, "Of course not," she said, pausing, "Then, I'll tell my father," she blurted out.

"You are presuming your father does not already know as well," John said, evenly.

"Good God," Brianna stopped walking abruptly, "You're in love with Jamie."

"Great God in heaven," John looked heavenward, "you are quite presumptuous, are you not?"

"No," Bree insisted, "It all makes sense. You saw Jamie in the forest. Unusual...not to see your darling wife."

John let out a long breath, "Mistress Fraser, you do not know of what you speak."

"I do know," Brianna said, "and Eleanor knows too, doesn't she? About Jamie?"

John remained silent.

"You do not understand. I cannot marry another," Brianna insisted.

"I'm aware you feel that way, but your father put you under the care of your aunt and I cannot meddle," John said, slowly.

"Then, if you shall not help me, I shall tell Jamie about Hope."

John's eyes fixed on her, "What about Hope?" his voice was low, nearly a growl.

"It's so bloody obvious," Bree stated. "Hope looks like me as a baby. She is a Fraser. Clearly, Eleanor and Jamie had an affair, while he was still married to my mother."

"And then I'll shall tell your father about what a woman his daughter is," John retorted, "he will not look highly on you deliberately hurting the woman who has given up so much for him...the mother of his children or the fact that his daughter would use a baby as some pawn to get what she wants." He paused, "I think you are assuming that Jamie's love for Eleanor is in the past, but I can assure you...James Fraser will love Eleanor until the day he dies...and he is fiercely protective over her- the mother of his children."

"I'm his child too," Brianna retorted, wiping the tears with the back of her hand.

John's demeanor softened, "Yes, you are. But you are grown and the others...they are quite young...still dependent on Jamie...innocent to this world."

"I wish I was still innocent to this world," Brianna said, forlorn.

John's heart stirred towards her, "Mistress Fraser...Brianna, let us begin again. Come, we will discuss this further." He gently took her elbow and led her to a bench to sit. "Now, won't you tell me what full truth of the matter is...and perhaps I can assist after all?"

"Why would you do that? After the horrible things I just said?" Bree asked. "This is not who I am."

"Of course it is not," John said gently, "You are right about your father. He is one of my dearest, closest friends. I would do anything for the ones he loves. And he loves you. So, will you not tell me the truth? And you and I can work to figure out an amenable solution to your problems together..."

And Brianna launched into her whole story, from beginning to end, John lending a compassionate ear. When she was finished, he lightly touched her arm, "I am raising five children that are not my own."

"I know," Brianna said, softly, "But..."

"Did you not grow up that way as well?"

"Yes, but Daddy resented Mama for it," Brianna said, "And I couldn't bear for Roger to resent me or regret anything."

"I see," John nodded, seriously, "You do know that your brothers and sisters are quite a handful."

Brianna laughed, "Yes, I'm aware."

"And yet, I have never once regretted my decision to marry Eleanor. My love for her, as well as your father, it compels me to accept and love the children as if they were borne out of the love Eleanor and I share. And when Eleanor put Hope in my arms for the first time, I made a choice...that although she was not mine, that she would become mine. You must trust that Roger will be a man that you can foresee making that same choice, for if he does not, then he does not honor the love you share."

Brianna paused, "Do you love Eleanor? I rather thought it was a marriage of convenience...considering everything."

John nodded, "I have always admired Eleanor...from the moment we met, there was a connection betwix us." He looked far off into the river and then turned back towards her, "Truth be told, there are many different types of love, Brianna. The love I have for her, it has grown and developed into something that is new every day. She is a remarkable woman and above all, a good friend. I'd ask that you do not allow your preconceived notions of her affect your opinion of her. If you give her a chance, I think you'd find that you have an ally in Eleanor. You do have alot in common with her. And she has a lot of wisdom to offer you...about being a woman in this time and the choices that you are forced to make."

"Do you think Jamie told her about me?" Brianna asked, considering his words.

"I do not know," John said, "But your father does confide in Eleanor...because he also knows her tender, wise heart and that Eleanor's friendship is one that you would also benefit from. But I must tell you, that Eleanor is extremely sensitive. She believes that you will hate her."

"Because of Mama?" Brianna frowned.

"Yes," John said, simply. "she knows the Fraser disposition of being passionately loyal to their own. As if Jamie told her the particulars of what you told me...perhaps he did. And if he did, it was because Jamie felt guilty about your rift...and he knows that your mother will be torn between him and you. Eleanor's perspective is one Jamie needs at times as she does of him. We cannot erase the years they were married as one. Your mother and I have learned both to accept that."

"I see," Brianna frowned. "You do know I did not mean what I said, Lord John. I'd never tell."

John nodded, "We all say things we mean from time to time. I will help you, Brianna...but it will not be easy."

"Maybe I should just marry," Brianna said.

"Perhaps you should," John agreed, "but to a man that you could perhaps foresee you spending the rest of your life with. Eleanor rushed into marrying Mr. Fitzgibbons and it was not a good match for either of them. Perhaps you should talk to her and see what she would advise..."

She nodded, "Perhaps Ellie hates _me_."

"Ah, no, I do not think so," John gave her a smile, "Eleanor hates no one...only occasionally the British when her ire is up and we discuss politics."

Brianna laughed, "She is American."

"Indeed she is," John said, "Whatever that means. Perhaps you can enlighten me further with that..."

"I'd be happy to," Bree said, with a smile. She met his eyes, "Thank you, Lord John."

Lord John smiled back, "You are welcome, Mistress Fraser."

* * *

Eleanor stopped in her tracks, Hope in her arms, Rosie's hand in hers. "Murtagh," Eleanor's face grew pale. She could feel all eyes on her- Bree's, John's. Jocasta was clearly listening to the tone of her voice.

"Murtagh!" Mac pushed past her.

"Mac, my lad!" Murtagh opened his arms for his godson and Mac ran into them. Murtagh swung him around. "How I have missed ye impish wee un!"

Sam held back, but Murtagh gave him a wide grin and Sam's face lit up. "Da told us stories!"

"I'm sure he did!" Murtagh said, "considering ye all thought I was swimming with the fishies."

Hope began to squirm to get down and Eleanor looked to John, the color returning to her face, but now in a deep red flush.

Hope began to crawl over to John. She held up her arms, "Papa!"

And for the first time since entering this time, Eleanor did what any proper lady would do when faced with such a situation...she swooned.

John sideswept Hope just in time to reach Eleanor, who collapsed in his arms.

"What has happened?" Jocasta asked.

"Mama fell," Mac whispered.

Murtagh frowned as he patted his head, putting him down. "I should have spoken to the lass privately."

"I do not think that is wise," John retorted.

"Here," Bree moved a pillow and helped John lay Eleanor on the couch.

"Do ye no?" Murtagh's look darkened. "Do ye not think that I have a right to?"

"Not anymore," John said, "as she is _my_ wife."

"She was mine before yours," Murtagh drawled. "What if I choose to claim her as mine?"

"I do not think so, because handfasting is only legal in Scotland," John countered. "She is my wife, by law and the church. And she will remain as such until I have no breath in my being."

"That can be arranged," Murtagh muttered, but stopped at his godson's distressed look.

"Auntie, is Mama still marrit to Murtagh?" Mac tugged at Jocasta's hand, trying to follow the conversation.

"Hush, laddie," Jo said, squeezing his hand. "Now that is enough, ye are confusin the children."

She took command of the situation, "Ulysses, will ye no get help for the wee uns? And some wine fer Lady John when she awakens?"

Bree had taken a wet cloth and put it on Eleanor's forehead. She rose from her knees, "I can take them to Susanna and stay with them for a while."

"That would be very kind of you, Mistress Fraser," John said, his hand in Eleanor's. He studied her, clearly concerned.

Bree went over to pick up Hope, who was crawling around the floor. She held out her hand for Rosie , "Come, Rosie, let's play dollies with Hope. Boys, we can find Susanna and you can go for a walk."

"Can we pick sticks and play sword fights?" Sam asked.

Bree giggled, "Of course you can. That sounds like fun!" She ushered the children out of the room.

"Eleanor," John put a hand to her forehead. She came to a minute later.

"Did I faint?" Eleanor asked, attempting to sit up.

"Yes, but no, do not attempt to rise," John pushed her back down, "You must take a moment to rest."

Eleanor looked across to where Murtagh was standing, his brow creased.

"Where are the children?"

"Brianna has them," John said, calmly, "They are well."

"Where is Hope?" Eleanor asked, looking around for her.

"Brianna has Hope as well," John's voice was low.

"I need Hope," Eleanor sat up and this time, John let her. He gently shifted her legs so he could sit next to her. "Hope is well with Brianna, Eleanor."

"Brianna willna let any harm come to the lass," Jocasta said, "Ye mustn't fret so much over the wee uns. Perhaps, Murtagh, we can let Eleanor and Lord John have a few moments together. Ye and her surely have much to discuss, but when Eleanor is stronger..."

"Aye," Murtagh took Jocasta's hand, "Ye and I will discuss this later, Ellie."

John looked stormy, but Eleanor quickly rested her hand on his arm, "Of course."

Murtagh left the room with Jocasta and when they were out of ear sight, Jo asked, "Why is Eleanor so skittish about wee Hope, Murtagh?"

Murtagh didn't say anything and their backs were turned, no seeing Brianna come down the stairs with Hope in her arms, looking for Rosie's doll.

Jo pressed, "She is a Fraser, is she no?"

"Aye," Murtagh let out his breath, "But it is no what ye think. I forced her to Jamie...we thought Claire had drowned, ye ken and Jamie was inconsolable."

"And ye sent yer wife in to console him?"

"Twas the only way, ye ken."

"And now there is a bairn," Jocasta frowned, "What will ye do? When my nephew comes and he sees ye with the child, and ye dinnae claim it?"

"I suppose that is why the lass and I need to talk," Murtagh said, seriously.

"Aye, I'd say so," Jocasta retorted, dryly.

* * *

Another storm shook the house and this time, Rosie was unable to be consoled, burying her head and shaking against Eleanor, screaming for Jamie.

John went over to pick Hope up who was whimpering from Rosie's cries and the violence of the storm. "What can you do to calm her?" he asked.

Eleanor bit her lip, "I don't know. A few nights ago, I was able to comfort her. She must have been woken up from a deeper sleep...or maybe she was having a nightmare when the storm hit." She felt so helpless with Rose at the moment.

Soon, Jocasta entered the room followed by Murtagh and Bree, all woken up by the storm, which was truly frightful.

"I'm so sorry," Eleanor apologized, "Did she wake you?"

"No," Jocasta said, "the storm did. It's a fearsome one. Is that Rosie?"

"Aye," Murtagh answered, frowning as Sam pushed past him.

Sam ran to John, who opened up his other arm for godson. He buried his head in his shoulder and John leaned down to murmur words of comfort.

"Who is she crying for?" Bree asked, frowning, the candle in her hand.

"Da," Mac said, coming behind her, "She always hollers for Da when she is scarrit."

"Aye," Murtagh said, his hand on his godson's head. "The wee un was always fond of her Da even when a wee newborn bairn."

Rosie's head turned towards Murtagh, her cries quieting a bit.

Murtagh titled his head, considering. He began to speak Gaelic to Rosie from across the room, the child's cries softened still.

"Ah," Jo said, smiling. "Of course."

Murtagh went over to kneel beside where Eleanor was sitting, rocking Rosie. He reached for Rose's hand, kissing it softly as he continued to soothe her in Gaelic. He opened his arms, and Rosie went into them.

Eleanor swallowed down the lump in her throat, "Thank you, Murtagh."

"Of course, mo buidheig," Murtagh said.

She rose, "Hope left her doll in my room. I'm going to go get it for her."

"She seems content, Eleanor," John said.

"No, I think she needs it," Eleanor insisted. "Excuse me, Auntie."

"Of course," Jo said, her arm still around Mac, who was burying his head in her waist.

Eleanor made it down the hall, not even bothering to have a candle before falling to pieces, her head buried in the wall.

"Ellie?" Bree came up with a candle. "I thought you would need a light."

Eleanor tried to squelch her sobs. "Yes, that is thoughtful of you."

Bree reached out to touch Eleanor's arm, "You miss him, don't you?" She paused, "My father."

Eleanor wiped her tears, "Please do not think badly of me for it."

"Of course not," Bree said, her voice low. "This must be so difficult for you."

"There are moments still when I can't bear to do this without him, even with the most patient, kind man by my side." She sniffed hard as she looked at Brianna who was standing close to her, "What kind of mother can't even comfort her child? Sometimes I think I should have just left them with your Da and mother at Fraser's Ridge."

"Why?" Bree frowned.

"Because Jamie is the best father there is," Eleanor said, "And I cannot say that about myself as a mother. The children adore your mother. They would have been so happy at the Ridge."

"Yet, they still need their mother," Bree said. She twisted her hair, "When i was sick or afraid, I would want Daddy over Mama. It would drive Mama mad."

"Really?" Eleanor looked across the candlelight, "Your mother is like so perfect."

Brianna laughed, "I love her to pieces, but she isn't perfect, Eleanor."

Eleanor swallowed down her tears, "I didn't want to love him, Brianna. But your father is impossible not to love," she let out her breath, "I never asked for any of this. Please don't make me the villain in all of this."

"Did Lord John tell you..." Bree's voice trailed off.

"Yes, but I don't blame you," Eleanor said, "This is all so complicated. And I can't imagine what you have been through as well. You must feel so much despair and desperate for something. I have been there before."

"But I chose to come," Bree said, quietly, "You did not."

"No," Eleanor let out her breath, "And this time...this world...we don't have many choices, Bree. I have been forced into three marriages. I do not wish it for you. If you are asked, you can refuse. I know John scared away one of your suitors, but there will be more."

"Perhaps, my aunt is right. Perhaps, I will have to marry," Bree said. "Just like you had to marry."

Eleanor wiped her tears and then reached out a hand to touch Bree's arm, rubbing it. "No," she shook her head swiftly, "You should wait for Roger."

"But my child..."

"Do you not think that your child will be loved by a whole slew of people?" Eleanor said.

"But you married Lord John," Brianna countered.

"I married Lord John because I care deeply for him," Eleanor said, her voice soft. "When I was stranded in Jamaica awaiting Hope's birth, he became my best friend. He began the process of healing my heart. It is different between him and I. Wait for Roger. Losing the man that you love and finding out that it could have been different...well, you will regret it if you do not at least give it a chance."

"Do you regret..." Bree paused. "giving up Jamie?"

Eleanor let out a breath, "Would you hate me if I said I did?"

She shook her head, "No."

"I'm glad for it," Eleanor forced a smile, "I am content with Lord John, but there are times...like tonight, when the children need their father, when I need their father, that my heart breaks all over again."

Bree paused, "Hope...Mama never said anything. I do not think she suspects. I do not know how."

Eleanor shrugged, "Sometimes we refuse to see what is right in front of us because the possibility is too painful." She swallowed hard, "Your father did not have an affair with me. If anything, it was me having the affair."

"I know," Bree's voice was soft, "I overheard Murtagh talking to Auntie. Murtagh said he forced you into it."

"Oh God," Eleanor's heart nearly stopped, "Does Auntie know about Hope?"

"I think she suspected it from the beginning," Bree said.

"I would not be surprised," Eleanor said, dryly.

"You should tell Da about Hope," Brianna said.

"I think it would only serve to hurt your mother," Eleanor said. "And I do not want to do that."

"But Hope deserves to know her father and to have a place in our family," Bree said. "I grew up not knowing my real father. And as much as I love Frank Randall, knowing I had been lied to my entire life...don't do that to Hope."

Eleanor let out her breath, "Thank you for not hating me, Brianna."

"Were you scared of that?" Bree asked.

"Of course," Eleanor said, "I would not know how I would feel if I were you."

"I think traveling through time has changed me," Bree said. "I can understand how you must have felt. And when Mama came back."

Eleanor shook her head, wearily, "I handled everything so poorly. I still am. I have been avoiding Murtagh."

"Lord John and him have had words," Brianna said.

"I'm sure they have," Eleanor said. "They do not like each other. I know I must face all of this...but it is days like these, when I am unsure and so defeated, that I need your father to come and help me fix my messes."

"You know Da and I left on bad terms," Brianna said, "I've just been so angry with him over Roger."

"I know," Eleanor said softly, "But if that man had been Bonnet and Jamie had done the same thing, would you have been angry?"

Brianna looked shocked, "Nooooo," she said slowly, "I would have been relieved."

"Jamie will have justice on your behalf," Eleanor said, softly, "It is what men in this time do. He made a mistake, but his heart...Jamie's heart is always in the right place. He is the most honorable, kind man I know...save for Lord John."

"Are you happy with Lord John?" Brianna asked.

Eleanor nodded, "I am. He and I are kindred spirits. Your father and I were never such. We butted heads so much, but still..."

"You love him."

Eleanor let out her breath, "Yes...so all this to say is...if you can wait, then wait for Roger. I can figure out talking to Auntie about it."

Brianna rubbed her arm, "Thank you, Eleanor."

"You're welcome," Ellie said. "I heard Jamie left you a letter. You should read it."

"I will," Bree said.

"Good," Eleanor nodded.

"And you should talk to Murtagh," Bree said, "I do not think he wishes to hurt you."

"I know, but you see, I am not very brave," Eleanor said, wiping her tears.

"I think you are incredibly brave," Bree said, honestly. "I know I should ask...but I'm not sure if Mama will be back in time for the baby...and I don't want to be alone."

"Of course, I will stay with you," Eleanor said. "I was alone in Jamaica with Hope, even though John was there...and I would never want the same for you."

Brianna let out her breath, "I can do this."

"Of course you can," Eleanor said, confidently, "You are a Fraser. Come, we will talk more later. Our absence will become conspicuous."

Eleanor went to retrieve Hope's doll before she and Brianna joined the others.

And even as she looked over the children's heads to meet John's eyes, she found comfort, solace and understanding in them. And she knew that when the morn broke, she must face Murtagh and all that had happened...and make a decision about Hope...once and for all.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: Thank you all who reviewed the last chapter and the story. I love hearing your thoughts! :) Writing has been a bit of a mental escape from the anxiety of life as we know it right now. I hope everyone is staying well in these crazy times- we are well & hunkered down here with schools closed for the rest of the year! Hope you enjoy this chapter- let me know what you think when you get a chance!**

**Chapter 32**:

Eleanor sat on the stone bench and looked out at the river, fiddling with the ribbon of her navy blue cape. She was lost in her thoughts as she stared at the majestic river in front of her. Her hair was down, her not bothering to put it up as it was just after sunrise. She had snuck out, leaving John sleeping, but gave Susanna a quiet word to keep an eye on the children. The ground was still wet from the storm the night before and she tried to fight the urge to muddy her shoes, who were already quite squishy.

"May I sit with ye?" Murtagh asked as he approached her.

"Of course you may," Eleanor said, scooting over to make room for him. "You are up early."

"Aye, tis a habit of auld," Murtagh said as he sat down next to her.

"I remember," Ellie said, her voice soft, "You and Jamie both were always so spry in the morning...annoyingly so actually."

"Ah, I ken yer preferences fer sleep weel. What are ye doin up then- ye canna sleep after the storm?" Murtagh asked.

"Not really," Eleanor said, this time fiddling with her hair, gathering it up over her shoulder and twisting the ends between her two hands.

"Ye have been avoiding me," Murtagh said, bluntly.

She let out a long breath, "True. I have."

"Ye admit to it, then?"

"Of course I do, Murtagh, I am not in the habit of lying to you," Eleanor said, turning to look at him, "I'm glad you are alive, by the way. _Really glad_."

"At least that's somethin," Murtagh said, wryly.

"Jamie still needs his godfather," Eleanor untied and retied her cape ribbon, "And Mac. He's missed you actually." She untied and tied her ribbon again, not liking the bow she had made.

"Good Lord," Murtagh scowled at her, "Stop yer fidgeting, lassie, I'm not angry with ye."

"Really?" she asked, swallowing hard, her hand stilling.

"Aye, _really_," Murtagh said, adamantly.

She buried her head in her hands, "I'm sorry. You must think I am the most awful person."

"Ach," Murtagh scooted closer to her and put an arm around her, "Ye did what needed to be done- fer ye and the bairns. But did it have to be _him_?"

"He is so good to me, Murtagh," Eleanor said, raising her head again, "He's kind and understanding and he loves the children..."

"I dinnae think they are the only un he loves, mo buidheig, he is clearly loyal to ye and verra protective of ye," Murtagh retorted. "But the English?"

"I know," Eleanor said, "I don't like that part either, because war is coming...and...I'm _American_."

"Aye, but ye willna change his loyalties, Ellie, not a man like Lord John," he said, bluntly. "If ye are thinking ye can, ye are mistaken."

"It's Jamie's loyalities right now too, Murtagh, he is so mixed in with Tryon..." she said, "he didn't even tell me about the deal he made. I found out through Tryon. He is going to have to fight the regulators if it comes down to it."

Murtagh looked disturbed, "I dinnae ken. Do ye ken Tryon?"

"John does," Eleanor said, quietly, "We have stayed at his palace a few times traveling to see Jamie."

"Ellie," Murtagh grunted, "Do ye understand that he built that palace on the backs of the people?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "Yes. And I told him that I did not think the regulators were wrong for speaking out against it."

"My bold, canny lassie," Murtagh gave a low chuckle, "Ye have always been one to speak yer mind."

"Lord John wasn't too happy with me for doing so in the middle of supper," Eleanor admitted, grinning at him.

"I wouldna believe he would be," Murtagh said, "Tell me about the lad."

Eleanor grew quiet for a few moments, gathering her thoughts. "He wanted the land...I think perhaps...perhaps it was to make his legacy for our children...he never said, he didn't talk to me about it, I'm just surmising," Eleanor's eyes teared up. "But one thing I know for certain- he cannot be on the wrong side of history...as are you, with the regulators. They will not win whatever squirmish comes. And the British will not win the major war that will be here before we know it.."

"Jamie and I were on the wrong side of history with Culloden...we ken what was to come and yet still we fought the British," Murtagh reminded her.

"I know that," Eleanor said softly. "but the thought of Jamie lying on that battlefield..." she shuddered.

"Then ye love him still?" Murtagh asked, quietly.

She nodded. "I can't seem to stop, Murtagh."

"Of course, ye canna," Murtagh said, matter of factually, "What ye and he shared was rare. And Lord John? What aboot him?"

Eleanor turned him and chewed on her lip, contemplatively. "I do not know how to answer that."

"Aye, I think ye do," Murtagh prompted. "Do ye love him, Ellie?"

"I do love him, but it's a different kind of love than what I have with Jamie. But it is very meaningful...and very strong. He gives me so much courage and strength to face whatever comes at us next. I am a better person for being married to him."

Murtagh nodded, "Then I am glad fer ye, lassie. But Lord John?" Murtagh shook his head, wearily. "I wouldna have thought."

"Me either," Eleanor said, "but he is so steady with me and kind. He pushes me to be better. And the children...he is so patient. Much more so than I am. And the way he has accepted Hope..." her voice trailed off.

"Hope..." Murtagh put his hand on her knee, "Why dinnae ye tell Jamie especially since the bairn looks so much like her brothers and sisters?"

Eleanor swallowed hard, "I'm ashamed of it, I suppose."

"Ach, mo beidheig," he squeezed her knee, "I'm verra sorry fer it all. I should have never pushed ye to his side."

"Will _you_ tell Jamie?" Eleanor asked, quietly.

"Do ye wish me to?" Murtagh asked.

Eleanor put her lip, "Honestly, I don't know. It's been such a struggle to know what is right in that regards."

"I dinnae ken how we can prevent it," Murtagh said, "If ye were my wife, I'd gladly claim the lassie, but now..."

"Will you just give me so more time?" Eleanor said, "I just...the thought..."

"What are you scarrit of?" Murtagh asked, frowning. "Jamie would never shun a child of his own blood, lass."

"Even to save his marriage to Claire?" Eleanor asked, frankly, her brow creased in worry.

"Ah," Murtagh gripped her hand, "Even then. Dina fash, lass. He will be glad fer it. She is a bonny lass. The lad loves bein a father."

"I know," She nodded, "But...perhaps the timing is not the best at the moment...with everything..."

"When ye are ready to tell him," Murtagh looked at her, understandingly, "And in the meantime, I can avoid the topic with him. I dinnae think he will be too eager to admit that he lay with ye when ye were my wife."

Eleanor let out her breath, "Thank you, Murtagh. Truly."

He nodded, "Jamies loves ye too lassie. He kens how difficult this is fer ye. But I dinna think he would ever want ye to feel shame fer what happened that day."

"I know," she nodded, "I just lied to him...over and over again. He asked and I lied."

"Ye did so to protect ye and Hope," Murtagh said, "But ye dinnae have to. Jamie made a choice that night as he's made the choice not to tell Claire. Tis not only yer burden to bear. Ye have to allow Jamie to be the man he is- whatever that might lead yer family."

"I know," She swallowed hard, "Ijust don't want him to resent me for lying to him."

"I dinnae think that possible," Murtagh said. "If ye wish me to just tell him, I will fer ye."

Eleanor bit her lip, "Not now."

"Then when ye are ready to," Murtagh said, "We can tell him together if ye like."

She gave him a small, weary smile, "That's very generous of you, Murtagh."

"Nah," Murtagh shook his head, "Tis nothing. Do ye feel better?"

"Yes," she said, letting out her breath, "A bit."

"Very gut. Now tell me more aboot this meeting with Tryon," he drawled. "And what ye learned about Jamie's involvement."

"Very well," she said, softly, "I will tell you what I learned. But you cannot tell Lord John that I told you."

"Of course not," Murtagh snorted. "I am no a fool, lassie."

"I never thought you were," she squeezed his hand. "I just wish that you would take care. Tryon is out for blood when it comes to the regulators."

"Aye, I ken," Murtagh said, "But I canna help my distain for English authority."

"You wouldn't be a proper Scot if you didn't distain the English to some degree," Eleanor said, wryly. "Let's see," she stretched out her legs and than began to relate what she remembered of her conversation with Tryon.

* * *

"I cannot allow it," John said. "What good would it do, Brianna?"

"I just need to see him," Brianna said, her hand on her stomach, "For myself, not for him." She pulled out the letter that Jamie had written it and handed it to John.

John read it carefully and then handed it back to Bree, who handed it to Eleanor. Eleanor read it through, tears springing to her eyes to see how Jamie lovingly addressed his daughter- from a place of love, but she also knew deep pain and regret...and desire for justice.

Eleanor put her hand on the railing of the porch, looking out at the grounds, while John and Brianna debated her desire to see Bonnet before his execution.

Finally Eleanor turned her head, "If it was me, Lord John, I would want it as well."

He stared into her eyes for a few moments before nodding, "Very well then. I do not know how I shall make this happen, but I shall."

"You're Lord John, you always find a way," Eleanor said, wryly.

* * *

"Did you know that Mr. Fitzgibbons had been arrested?" John demanded, once they were all in the carriage.

"How the hell was I supposed to know that?" Eleanor shot back. "Fergus was supposed to be at Fraser's Ridge, not breaking out Murtagh from jail."

Brianna looked between the two of them, sensing that fireworks were about the spark between the two of them.

"You insisting Brianna come was not some conspiracy to release Mr. Fitzgibbons from prison?" John pressed, "Do not lie to me."

"I never lie to you, Lord John," Eleanor's voice rose. "I had no idea. But if I did, then I certainty would have helped. For God's sake, he is Mac's godfather."

"And your former husband," John countered.

"That is quite a mute point," Eleanor argued.

"He has rebelled against the crown, by all rights, he should have remained in jail."

"And Tryon is being a bully and a baby, so I don't care," Eleanor retorted. She paused, "Thank you for not stopping them."

"I rather did not think I had a choice," John replied, his voice low, "after all, as you said, he is Mac's godfather."

She paused, "We are making a scene in front of Bree."

"Indeed," John frowned, "I do apologize, Mistress Fraser."

Brianna waved them off, "Do you think Bonnet is dead?"

"I do not see how he could have survived," John said.

"At least there's that," Bree said, softly, her hand on her belly. Eleanor looked at her for a few moments and then reached to slide her hand into John's. John gripped her fingers tightly.

* * *

Eleanor closed the door behind her, the basin of water in her hands. John was at the end of the hallway, pacing. The children were asleep, Brianna laboring in the night. She handed the basin to Susanna, who nodded at her.

Eleanor met John's eyes. She approached him, "She is still laboring. First baby takes longer."

John nodded and opened up his arms to pull her into them. "Are you well?"

Eleanor snuggled into him as he gripped her tighter against him, "I'm having flashbacks of Hope's birth," she admitted.

"I have to admit, the night has not been far from my own thoughts on this night," John murmured, sighing.

"I would feel much better if Jamie and Claire were here for Bree. I feel like i'm a shoddy substitute."

"I don't believe that," John said, drawing her away from him so he could look into her eyes. "You are very strong and very brave. She will draw strength from you...and your experiences, Ellie."

"That night was so terrifying, John."

"For me as well," John said, flicking her cheek with his finger, "But not every birth is like Hope's."

"Or like Mac's in the middle of a storm," Eleanor said.

"Ah, yes, that was a delightful missive to read from Jamie," John said, chuckling. "What a tale."

"I don't think he knew whether his happiness at becoming a father again should outweigh his annoyance at me putting us in the situation to begin with."

"Only you, Lady John, could get yourself into such a situation," John teased her. "What ever came of it?"

Eleanor grinned, "Nothing actually," she said. "Until I tried such a thing again."

John swatted at her, playfully, "Lady John, you did not. Jamie did not tell me."

"The schoolmaster's mother got sick and he had to return home. Jamie was in Edinburgh for business, so I took back over, Mac in my arms while I taught."

"And when Jamie returned?" John raised an eyebrow, amused.

"We had a fight like we never had before. He was so angry at me. I told him that technically speaking he didn't forbid it before and since he had chosen not to settle the matter between us, I thought that I was free to do as I pleased."

John was now bent over, laughing. "Great God in heaven, Eleanor Fraser Grey. I adore you."

"That's only because you are rarely on the receiving end of it," Eleanor said, wryly. "He didn't like that too much."

"I'd imagine not," John said, still laughing, "I can see his face now. What did he do?"

"Well," Eleanor leaned against the wall, "He took Mac and gave him to Jenny and then litearlly picked me up, carried me over his shoulder and took me to a secluded spot in the fields...and...well..." She shrugged. "Jamie always seemed to get the upperhand one way or another. "

"But I'd venture to say, your spirit, determination and convictions are some of the things Jamie admires the most about you," John countered. "Even if it drove him to insanity wilst married to you."

"Perhaps so," Eleanor gave him a smile, laughing herself. She went over to where John was leaning against the opposite wall. She gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Thank you. It's good to be able to remember those times and not feel like my heart is breaking. And that's because of you, John."

He rubbed her cheek with his thumb, "I'm so very glad to hear you say that, Eleanor."

"Will you check on the children for me?"

"Of course," John said. "Hope is still not asleep. Susanna still has her, but I was going to take her for a while."

She nodded, "I think she is getting more teeth."

John rolled his eyes, "Those blasted teeth. I'll go see to Hope now."

She smiled at him, "Thank you, Lord John."

He leaned down to kiss her, "You are most welcome. Keep me apprised."

"Of course, I will," Eleanor nodded and after he gave her one more kiss, he left. Eleanor's mind wandered...

_"You never said that I couldn't," Eleanor's fist were balled. "And since you never said anything since that day, I didn't feel like I needed to roll over for you, Jamie. If you were all that bothered by it, then you would have addressed it ages ago."_

_"Oh, I was bothered by it which ye verra weel ken."_

_"Do I?" Eleanor asked, Mac on her hip. "Listen, it's your fault that you didn't strictly forbid it."_

_"I dinnae think I had to," Jamie growled, his fist balled, "And even if I did, would it change the matter?"_

_"No," Eleanor said, matter of factually. "I do what I want James. I am an adult, just like you are."_

_Jamie reached for the bairn. "Give me my son."_

_"What are you doing?" Eleanor frowned. Jamie crossed the hallway to the kitchen where Jenny was. "Can ye watch the wee laddie for me? Eleanor and I need some privacy."_

_"Aye," Jenny said, eyes moving between her irate brother and her irked sister in law._

_"Do I have a choice in this?" Eleanor asked, pushing at Jamie's arm. He turned, slowly and deliberately. His eyes locked with her and before she could anticipate his next move, in one swoop, he picked her up and thrust her over his shoulder. _

_"James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser, good Lord, you are going to drop me!" Eleanor squealed. _

_"Nah," Jamie adjusted her and then smacked her arse. "Yer as light as a kitten, my love. Now I suggest ye stop talking because yer just digging yerself in." He swatted her again harder, "Stop yer wiggling woman, or I might drop ye, even if I dinnae mean to."  
_

_She grunted, but knew that her efforts to fight him were futile._

_He took her well into the fields and carefully laid her on her back. "Now I ken ye dinnae think my authority extends to ye, and in all yer vast wisdom to ken how these times work, ye feel like ye no need my guidance..."_

_She grunted, "Guidance, not commands..."_

_Jamie ignored her, but wrestled with her, to keep her pinned underneath him, "and I ken that ye have some desire to challenge me, I think just fer the hell of it, and before ye go on, tis clear challenge, surely, albeit maybe recklessly given. But tis un that I can surely meet."_

_"Don't you dare!" Eleanor struggled against him, kneeing him in the gut._

_Jamie twisted her up into his arms to pin her arms and legs as if he would restrain a young child. "Fer ye to properly discuss this with me with ye determined to provoke my ire with yer own, I must break yer mood and speakin from experience, mo ghraidh, me wee besom, this is an excellent way." He flopped her back onto the grass and practically put his full weight on her. "I am stronger than ye."_

_"For Christ's sake, I know that!" Eleanor retorted as Jamie eased his weight and then leaned kissed her roughly. _

_"No, I'm not going to do this with you," Eleanor retorted as he silenced her with another kiss, his tongue slipping into her mouth. She ripped her mouth away, "I feel nothing when you do that. Nothing!"_

_"Do ye no?" Jamie asked, reaching his hand into her skirts. "I dinnae believe ye. Ye are going to be makin yer wee squeaking sounds before we ken it. And after we have both gotten out our passion, then we can discuss this reasonably."_

_"You are incapable of being reasonable," She smacked at his arm hard, trying to wiggle away from him. " And I do NOT make squeaking sounds."_

_"Ah, verra weel," Jamie bit her ear, his other arm trapping her, pulling her back. "Tis more of a moan at times. Ye are verra expressive when ye arena so inhibited by yer own wee ramblings in that heid of yers. Ah, tell me ye wish me to stop and I will."_

_Eleanor pushed at him again, "God, you are so solid." She pushed hard and this time, Jamie gave in and allowed her to topple him. She landed on a heap on top of him, not expecting him to not fight her push this time. _

_"Verra graceful, my love," Jamie snorted, "What are ye goin to do now?"_

_She grunted and then he rolled her back over, them wrestling and rolling with each other. He pinned her again and then kissed her, "Give into me, Eleanor," he commanded, his voice fierce._

_Her nails dug into his back and finally she felt herself succumbing to his advances. _

_When it was done, Jamie pulled her so she was sitting against him, him leaning against a tree. He began to pick out foliage from her hair. "Ye have wee pieces of twigs and grass all in that glorious mane of yers," Jamie said, kissing her cheek, nuzzling his face against hers, "Yer a mess."_

_Eleanor reached for the mess in his hair, "I'm not sure you are much better. And you have curls which are already unmanageable and easy to get things caught into them."_

_"Aye, tis true," Jamie chuckled. _

_"I always wanted to marry a man with curly hair," Eleanor commented, continuing her efforts. "Actually, that was one of my big turn ons."_

_"Is that so?" Jamie snorted, "Tis an odd thing to be attracted to in a man."_

_She pushed at him, "And what are you attracted to?"_

_"Just aboot every part of ye including that canny mind and strong spirit of yers, even if it means I want to throttle ye from time to time," He squeezed her tighter, "Are ye well with what just happened?"_

_She nodded, "I'm okay."_

_"Just okay?" Jamie asked, kissing her neck. "Yer wee noises told me otherwise."_

_She poked at him, "Fine. I liked it. A lot. What of it?"_

_"Nothing of it," Jamie raised an eyebrow, "Are ye still upset?"_

_"When I think about it," Eleanor said, "More so I'm hurt."_

_Jamie turned her over so she was facing him on her lap. "I see. Let's talk then- ye and me."_

_She nodded. _

_"Dinnae look so afraid," Jamie kissed her gently, "I love ye, Eleanor. That willna change. I'll go first- how's that?"_

_She nodded and h__e put his hand underneath her hair and began to rub the back of her scalp, soothingly, "I do not say it to make ye angry, Eleanor. Or to make ye feel like yer less than me. I do ken ye ken me weel enough to truly ken that- even when ye are in a temper."_

_"I suppose that is true, but...you have to realize that sometimes it doesn't feel that way," Eleanor admitted. "Sometimes it does make me feel like you think less of me. And no matter how many times you tell me that is not true, or how I am different than Claire, but not inferior to her, your actions speak louder than your words. I'm not saying I should just do what I want. I'm saying, I want your respect along with your love. I'm saying I want your trust. I'm strong, Jamie."_

_"Aye, I ken ye are," Jamie said, "If I have ever made ye feel like yer not, I am verra sorry fer it mo ghraidh."_

_She swallowed hard and nodded, "Do you not think what we have is special?"_

_"I ken it is," Jamie kissed her, gently, "Tis verra special. And I dinnae ever want ye to forget that. Promise me that ye will no forget it, Eleanor. No matter what may come our way."_

_She looked him in the eye, her hand on his face, "I promise you."_

_"Verra gut," Jamie nodded, "Now let's talk aboot it more...calmly, without ye tryin to poke me into losing my temper with ye."_

_She rubbed his face, "I love you, James Fraser. I love you with everything that I have in me. You bring so many different parts of me out that I didn't know existed."_

_He smiled at her and then kissed both of her cheeks and her lips, "I love ye too."_

The tears sprang to Eleanor's eyes before she could help it. She took a long breath before pushing open the door and entering Bree's room.

* * *

"How did you do this so many times?" Bree panted as Eleanor held her hand.

"Truth be told, I don't know," Eleanor said, honestly. "Seeing you in labor doesn't make me want another one any time soon."

Brianna laughed, "Does Lord John know?"

Eleanor reached to damp a cloth, blotting her forward, "No, we haven't discussed having a child together."

"Why ever not?" Jocasta asked, from her perch on Brianna's bed.

"Well," Eleanor let out a breath, "Hope's birth was very trying."

"Ah," Jo said, "Let's say no more."

Brianna looked startled, "How trying?"

"She was breech," Eleanor said, "Which your babe is not. So, you'll be fine."

"I don't feel fine," Brianna moaned. "It is getting unbearable. What did you do when it felt like this?"

"Well, the first time, your father delivered Mac in a cave in the middle of a bloody awful storm. Murtagh was there."

Jocasta chuckled, "Ah, Eleanor, my dear, that seems like a tale to tell."

"At the time, neither of us were too thrilled about it, though Jamie tried to reassure me that he had delivered plenty of foals before."

Bree laughed, "Leave it to Da to be practical about it."

"Ah, but he was nervous," She glanced at Jocasta, "He always was nervous when I was in labor."

"Because of my dear sister," Jo said, quietly. "Ellen."

"Yes. But even as difficult the situation was in the cave, the minute that Jamie held Mac in his hands, the look on his face...and the look that he has every time he looks on one of our wee ones, it's worth it. His pain in not being able to raise you, Brianna, to give him a child again, I would have gladly borne anything. Although there were moments that I was not so brave and Jamie would have to get in my face and command me to keeping going."

"Jamie was there with ye then?" Jo asked, "beyond Mac's birth?"

"Not the entire time, but if I need him, Jamie was always there for me," Eleanor twisted the rag and then dipped it back.

Jocasta rose, "I am going to check on the household. It seems if we have some time. Will ye be fine with Ellie, Brianna?"

"Of course, Auntie," Bree said.

They were quite for a few minutes after Jo left, Eleanor coaching Brianna through contractions.

"Eleanor?"

"Yes?" Eleanor asked.

Brianna struggled, "You said that Da would look at your children and it would be worth it...but what if..." her voice trailed off. "What if Roger can never do that? Look at this child the way that Jamie looks at yours?"

Eleanor gripped Bree's hand, "This child will be loved by so many people, Brianna. I promise you that. Do not fear."

"Like Hope is?" Brianna asked, gently.

She smiled, "I'd like to think. And the truth of the matter is, the way Jamie looks at our babies, John is starting to look at them too...the love and patience and understanding he has for them, even though they are not of his own blood...it has never mattered."

"Because he loves both of their parents?" Bree asked, softly.

Eleanor put the cloth aside, "Yes, I suppose that is so."

And much later, Eleanor crawled into bed with John, who stirred. She snuggled against him and he instinctively turned over in his sleep to put his arms around her.

"It's a boy," Eleanor whispered.

"Is Brianna well?"

"Deliriously happy," she said. "She was so strong and brave."

"Jamie and Claire will be thrilled when they return," John said, pulling her against him, "How do you feel?"

"Tired..." Eleanor said, "but happy for Bree...and Jamie and Claire. I just wish they were here."

"They will be back before we know it," John kissed her head, "Get some rest, my dear. I'll ensure that the children do not interrupt you."

Eleanor sighed and drifted off into a deep sleep.

* * *

Jamie and Claire returned soon after the baby's birth. They had given Jamie and Claire several hours to reunite with Brianna and with Murtagh before involving the children in the reunion. Eleanor had conferred with Jocasta and then with Murtagh, who both indicated things were tense between Brianna and her parents because Roger did not return with them. So John and her had worked to keep the kids sequestered, not even mentioning Jamie's return to them. While the girls were napping and John entertaining the boys in their room, Eleanor looked out the window to see Murtagh and Jamie walking, Murtagh's hand on Jamie's arm. Her heart twisted with joy- knowing how much this reunion would mean to Jamie.

There was a knock on the door and Eleanor opened it, stepping out and shutting the door behind her, "Brianna," Eleanor said.

"Are the girls sleeping?" she asked.

"Yes," Eleanor said, "How are you doing?"

"Not so good," Bree admitted. "He's alive, but when Da told him of Bonnett, he said he needed time to think."

Eleanor frowned and then put her hand in Bree's hand, guiding her into the room that John and her share. She sat with Bree on the small settee. "What are you thinking?" she asked, quietly.

"I don't know what to think," Bree said, her voice shaky.

Eleanor thought for a few minutes, "It is a big decision. He should be sure before coming to you."

Bree nodded, "I know. Mama said that Jamie was put out by it."

"Well, your father won't understand. Like we have to adjust our modern perspectives, Roger does too. Honor looks differently in this century than it does it ours. Jamie would gladly raise another child like his children have been raised by others. But Roger...in our time, it is a choice. It doesn't mean that he won't choose to come to you."

"Mama said he has been through a lot living with the Mohawk."

"Then even more certain that he needs to get his head on straight," Eleanor said, "Just remember, that baby boy of yours is precious. And he is so well loved."

"Da started to tear up when he saw him," Bree admitted.

"I'm not surprised," Eleanor smiled and then squeezed Bree's hand, "I'm hopeful, Brianna. Give Roger time. And continue to believe in the love that you share." She leaned to give the younger woman a hug.

"Thank you, Ellie," Bree whispered.

"You're welcome."

* * *

Eleanor came down the stairs of River Run, Hope in her arms, Rosie's hand in hers. John was close behind her, carrying Sam, his hand in Mac's.

"Da!" Rosie let go over her hand and ran into Jamie's waiting arms. Her face expressed the purest of joy and Eleanor's heart twisted with love for that special relationship between Jamie and their daughter.

"Leannan," Jamie kissed her head, "How I have missed ye! Oh, look at how ye have grown...and yer braw brothers!"

The boys bounded up to him and Jamie gathered all of them in his arms.

Eleanor smiled at Brianna and then went to give Claire a hug, who was holding Brianna's baby.

"Thank you for staying with Bree," she whispered. "I know it was a sacrifice to spend so much time here."

"I was happy to," Ellie said as Jamie shook John's hand.

Jamie straightened, Rosie in his arms, Rosie clinging to Jamie, her arms around his neck. "Eleanor."

"James," Eleanor said, smiling as Jamie leaned down to kiss her cheek in greeting.

"I didn't know you called Da _James_." Brianna asked, amused.

"Aye," Jamie turned to his daughter, "Aboot the only un I'd let call me James."

"Usually only reserved for times I am irritated at him," Eleanor teased.

"Aye, tis true," Jamie said, looking sheepish. "Which maybe is often."

"Not too often," Eleanor giggled, "It's good to see you."

"Tis verra fine to see ye, lass as weel. Ye and our bairns." He flung his arm back around the boys.

Eleanor looked around, "Did Ian return back to the Ridge?"

Jamie handed Rosie to Brianna and inclined his head, "I need to speak with ye in private, Ellie."

Eleanor looked to John, who nodded at her. "Go to Papa, Hope," Ellie said, softly.

"There is a wee nip to the air," Jocasta said, "Ye should have yer cape. Ulysses, will ye retrieve it fer Lady John? Dinnae fash about the wee uns."

"Thank you, Auntie," Eleanor said, softly. She took her cape from Ulysses, "Thank you, Ulysses."

Jamie leaned down to give each of his children a kiss and then came to her side. He gripped her elbow, guiding her outside.

They walked down the stairs of River Run, Eleanor putting her hands in her pocket to her cape. Jamie's hand was still on her elbow, guiding her along the path. When he was far from the house, he said, "Ian traded himself fer Roger. He is with the Mowhak now."

Eleanor turned towards him, "What?" Her heart was filled with dread, "He is just a boy, Jamie!"

"No, mo ghraidh. Ian has become a man," Jamie said, his hand on her shoulder. "A man of worth. Of honor," he squeezed her shoulder. "That is what ye and I hoped fer him all those years at Lallybroch. Dinnae fash fer him. He is so verra brave and braw."

Eleanor covered her mouth with her hand, "Oh, Ian. Sweet Ian." Her face crumbled, "Jamie..."

Jamie pulled her into his arms. "Ah, give yerself a gut cry, lassie. I ken how much ye love him. I shed my tears already."

Eleanor sobbed into Jamie's shoulder, him holding her tightly against him. When she was done, she pulled away. "I got snot on your jacket."

"Aye," Jamie smiled at her. "Tis so."

"Sorry about that," her lip still trembled.

"Ach," Jamie wiped her tears, "Ye never seem to have a hankerchief when ye need un."

"True," Eleanor managed a smile, "But I have Lord John, who always seems to have them at the ready."

He nodded, "Thank ye fer yer kindness to Brianna."

"Of course, you do not have to thank me for that," Eleanor said. "Can you do me a favor though?"

"Aye, what is it?"

"I need John," Eleanor said, swallowing hard, "Can you send him out to me? I don't want the children to see me upset."

Jamie looked surprised, "Aye, of course."

She forced a smile even though the tears were still falling, "Thanks." She leaned over to kiss Jamie's cheek. "I'm glad you are safe, James."

"Aye, and tis verra gut to see ye as weel, Eleanor," he retorted, his hand on her cheek before heading back inside the house. Eleanor took a seat on the bench facing the River and began to cry. A few minutes later, John approached her, sitting on the bench next to her. He pulled out his handkerchief from his pocket, shook it out and handed it to her. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose and crumbled the hankerchief in her hand.

"Jamie told me about Ian. I'm sorry, dearest," John said, reaching for her unoccupied hand and kissing it. "Are you worried for his safety?"

She nodded, "Jamie says he is a man and he will be fine, but John, he is still that boy that I helped with his lessons...the one who helped me so much when Jamie and I were first wed. He accepted me and loved me as his auntie, even though he didn't know me...and he still does, even though I'm no longer wed to Jamie. What if they hurt him?"

John kissed her hand again, "I cannot say if they would or would not, but if they are accepting him as one of their own, just as Ian did so long ago with you, then I do not think they will truly hurt him even if they are savages."

Eleanor dropped her head on John's shoulder. "Sit with me for a while, would you? I just need to be with you...in this moment."

He squeezed her knee, "Of course."

* * *

"Lady John, what are your views on the insurgents now?" Tryon leaned over to whisper to her. He had summoned Jamie to his palace. Claire had opted to return to the Ridge with Brianna and Roger, who had showed up days later. Lord John and Eleanor were on the way home to William, promising to return for Brianna's wedding to Roger in a few months time. Again, it was a small supper party, the children tucked into bed already and Eleanor seated next to Tryon, trying to navigate the social nuances of this century. Mrs. Tryon was away again, leaving Eleanor quite wanting from female company. Jamie was stationed on Eleanor's opposite side, close enough to hear Tryon and her conversation. Lord John was down the table, in discussion with another land owner.

"I have to admit I find their tactics troublesome," Eleanor said, grimacing.

"The tar and feathering is barbaric," Tryon asserted, "And the man at the center...this Murtagh Fitzgibbons...today, I have ordered Colonel Fraser to hunt him and bring him to me...dead or alive."

Eleanor managed not to sputter the wine she had been sipping when that pronouncement was made. Jamie's hand slipped under the table to rest heavily on her leg, cautioning her. "You do not say. Do you know where he is?" She tilted her head, curiously.

"No, but I have no doubt in Colonel Fraser's abilities," Tryon said. "My dear, you are looking pale. Are you feeling well?"

"I am quite well," Eleanor forced a smile, putting her wine down and fiddling with her pearl necklace. "Weary of course from the long journey."

"Of course, or," Tryon leaned over to her again, "Perhaps, the discussion is too trying upon your delicate sensibilities."

"Truth be told," Eleanor demurred, "I'm not sure my sensibilities are all that delicate."

Tryon laughed heartedly at that, "I can tell. Oh, dear, John is practically glaring at me from down the table end."

"You are constantly getting me in trouble with my husband, your excellency," Eleanor took another sip of wine, "But I do not think I should bear the brunt of it, for you are the one who asked for my opinion to begin with." She absently touched her braid which had been woven into her bun.

Tryon looked amused, "I do agree. And what is your opinion, Lady John?"

"My opinion," Eleanor swished her wine around before tilting her head toward Tryon as he leaned in so their heads were practically touching, "Is that I will leave politics to the wisdom of your excellency."

"Ah, now that is cheating, my Lady," Tryon said, his eyes twinkling.

Jamie's hand squeezed hard upon her knee. She had missed that his shoulders had squared and his back was completely stiffened. He was irritated at her.

"Very well," Eleanor ignored Jamie's hand, "If you must know...I am still sympathetic," Tryon groaned and she smiled, "I know, I simply cannot help it. However, their tactics are completely unacceptable. They would do well to make their voices heard in other ways...if your excellency would be willing to listen. If you are willing to listen to me..."

"Well, I dare say you are far more charming then those insurgents," Tryon said, amused.

"You are too kind," Eleanor smiled.

"What do you say, Fraser?" Tryon said, "She is charming, is she not?"

"I have always thought so," Jamie said, dryly, his jaw tight.

Eleanor looked down the table to catch John's eye. He held it for a minute, a message passing between them. She nodded and then inquired after Tryon's wife.

* * *

"Pull her in line, John, or I swear to God I will do so myself," Jamie said as they walked outside, away from prying eyes and listening ears. "She is practically asking for Tryon to take her to his bed. I canna see how ye can just sit there and let her openly act that way..."

"That's enough!" John hissed. "If you have a problem with the way Eleanor is acting, then by all means, take it up with her. I will not chastise her for her behavior."

"Ye canna be serious..."

"If you think Eleanor capable of having an affair with any man other than yourself, then you are a damn fool, Jamie Fraser," John said, cooly.

Jamie paused and then turned heavily towards John, "I'm not saying she would choose it, more than she will get herself in a situation she canna pry herself out of...what will happen then?"

"And I am asserting that I trust Eleanor," John said, "She is trying to protect you...and Mr. Fitzgibbons, in the only way she can." He paused, "If you are jealous of the flirtatious behavior betwix Eleanor and Tryon, then just have the courage to say so."

"I am not jealous!" Jamie hissed, "_I am concerned for my wife._"

John stilled at the slip. "Your wife is home at Fraser's Ridge. _My_ wife is here with us."

Jamie looked stricken, "Of course, I dinnae mean..."

John waved him off, "Perhaps, if you had told Eleanor about Tryon's deal with you to begin with, then matters would have been different. I do not like it as well as you, but Tryon has taken an interest in her and Eleanor will act to protect you and Mr. Fitzgibbons, you because she still loves you dearly...and as for Mr. Fitzgibbons, she'll protect him out of some foolish notion of guilt."

"She dinnae need to do so," Jamie said, "It is not her place."

"Then you tell her that, by all means," John said. "But Eleanor is much stronger than you give her credit for." He frowned, "Oh, do not look so worried, Jamie. I will not let her get too far into it with Tryon. Did you notice how she changed the subject midway? She did that at my direction."

Jamie paused, "Did she?" he asked, his voice low.

"Of course she did," John rolled his eyes heavenwards, "I am capable of protecting Eleanor...even from herself. I will not allow her to falter. But," John leaned in, "if you chastise her right now and I am left with a crying wife to deal with tonight, then I will have words for you. You can make your opinion known, but do not hurt her feelings, Fraser. I will not stand for it."

"Will ye no?" Jamie frowned.

John stood straighter, "I will not, sir."

Jamie stared for a minute and then smiled, "Gut man."

John scowled, but then said, "Fancy a game of chess?"

"Aye, ye dinnae have to ask twice," Jamie said.

* * *

Eleanor walked with Jamie, early in the morning.

"You were irritated with me last night," Eleanor commented as they walked the grounds, Eleanor's cape getting wet in the damp.

"Aye," Jamie said, "but I was under strict orders not to upset ye over it."

"Lord John interceded then?" Eleanor turned her head towards him.

"Aye, he is verra protective over ye, even more so than before if that is at all possible," Jamie said. "I canna fault him fer it. It is what I would wish, fer ye to have a husband that looks out fer yer feelings."

"And John does that well," Eleanor said, leaning her hands against the fence post.

"Tis true," Jamie said, leaning as well.

"I didn't mean to act a certain way," Ellie said, "For what it is worth."

"I ken," Jamie said, "I just dinnae want ye to get in an undesirable situation based on yer desire to protect me."

Eleanor fiddled with her tie, "What didn't you tell me about Tryon and your deal with him, James?"

"Does it matter?"

"You know it does," Eleanor said, "for the future of our children...for what will be to come."

"Aye," Jamie looked disturbed, "And I thought that when the time came, I could change my allegiances."

"If so then, it is a dangerous game you are playing."

"And what about ye?" Jamie pressed, "John's allegiances will not falter."

"I know," she said, softly, "But when it comes down to it, I think I can reason with him...if anything, to be practical about it."

"Have ye learned nothin about this time and men of honor?" Jamie asked, almost exasperatedly.

"I have learned much between my husbands," Eleanor said, wryly and then cracked a smile.

Jamie looked at her intently for a moment and then returned her smile. "Tis verra gut to see yer smile again, mo ghraidh."

She nodded, "There is something I have been meaning to talk to you about," she looked around to make sure they were alone. "It's about our son."

"Which un?" Jamie asked, titling his head.

"Mac."

"I wouldna have thought. The lad giving ye trouble?"

"No more than normal," Eleanor said, "It's Sam that is still throwing tantrums, but Lord John handles his godson well."

"Aye," Jamie said, frowning, "Then what aboot Mac?"

"He indicated that he knows..._about everything_."

Jamie stilled and then let out a long breath, "I see. The lad has always been perceptive."

"Yes, he has," Eleanor reached out to touch Jamie's arm, "I told him that you and I need to talk to him and in the meantime to not share it with anyone."

"Aye," Jamie said, "But tis not the proper place to have such a discussion. Twill not be long until we are all together again, lass...and we can talk to him together."

"Are we going to deny it?"

Jamie shook his head swiftly, "No. We will not."

"How can we ever explain such a thing?"

"We tell him that we canna explain it, but that dinnae mean that tis not the truth," Jamie said. "We must always strive to be honest with the bairns, Eleanor, but maybe selective in when we convey that honesty."

"Very diplomatic," She smiled at him, "What are you going to do about Murtagh?"

"That is not so easy to puzzle out," Jamie retorted, staring into the fields, "I don't know. The Ridge depends on my loyalty to the crown...and it is our children's future."

Eleanor reached out to touch his arm gently, "I do not want you to feel like you have to betray yourself or Murtagh for the sake of our children..."

Jamie grasped her hand with his other hand, "I have to do what I must fer all of us."

She nodded, "I want to talk to John about us spending some extended time at the Ridge after Roger and Bree's wedding."

"Aye," Jamie said, "Tis a gut idea as the future might be...uncertain."

Eleanor had to visibly reel in her emotions at the thought of Jamie in danger. "You will take care though..."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, squeezing her fingertips. "I will. Now tell me more aboot Sam's tantrums."

"Oh where to begin?" Eleanor said, laughing.

"From the beginning," Jamie quipped.

"I'm afraid the very beginning might be inappropriate betwixt you and I in this moment in time," Eleanor said. "As it involved a field and lots of dirt and grass."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Aye, tis true. Though I dinnae think we can ken fer certain that was the very beginning..."

Eleanor shrugged, "Perhaps it is fitting that Sam is giving us so much problems then...since he was conceived by me giving you such trouble."

"Ah, so ye admit that ye did?" Jamie asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I admit nothing," Eleanor tossed her head.

"Verra weel...me wee besom," Jamie poked at her, "Start from the beginning of our wee laddie's tantrums."

"I can do that," Eleanor said, "But we might be here a while."

"Oh Christ," Jamie's eyes widened.

"He is your son after all," Eleanor retorted, teasingly.

"Aye, between ye and me, it was never goin to be easy with our bairns," Jamie said. "But I canna say I would want them any other way."

"Me either." Eleanor replied. "I'm grateful."

"Aye, and I as weel," Jamie clasped her hand and then kissed it affectionately.

And in that moment, Eleanor realized just how far she and Jamie had come...to making peace with each other and their future. Yet, she knew the future to come was going to be anything but peaceful.

**A/N:** thoughts? :)


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: Thank you SOOO much for everyone who has continued to read & review! A nice long chapter for you...I HOPE everyone is healthy and safe!**

**Warning: adult themes and some language ahead...**

**Chapter 33**:

"Ah, there you are," John came up to them, with Rosie in his arms. Eleanor and Jamie had been chatting for a while and Rosie had woken and became unsettled, worried about them.

"What's wrong, Rosie?" Eleanor asked, rubbing her back as she pouted. She leaned over to give John a kiss on the cheek in greeting, her hand still on Rosie's back. "Good morning, Lord John."

"Good morning, my dear," John responded. He cleared his throat, surprised at the comfortable affection Eleanor was showing towards him in Jamie's presence, "I think young Rose was worried when she woke up and you and Jamie were both not there. She was inconsolable until I told her that we could go searching for you."

"Oh no, my poor baby," Eleanor responded, frowning, her hand still on Rose's back, "Is everyone else up?"

"They are, but Susanna has them," John said, "They are well-breaking the fast."

Rosie hiccupped, her thumb in her mouth.

"Goodness," Eleanor continued to rub her back. "You can't carry on so, love."

"Aye, Mama is right," Jamie reached for Rosie, taking her from Lord John, "Ye canna expect Da or Mama to be there every moment of the day, wee un. Lord John was there, that should have been sufficient. We canna have ye act like this every time."

"But I needed ye, Da," Rosie cried, her curls plastered to her face. "Dinna be mad at me!"

Jamie squeezed her tightly, "Aye, I ken, alainn ros. Dinna fash, leannan. I'm not angry at ye. It is sometimes scary to wake up to a place and not ken where ye are. But when ye saw Lord John, ye should have settled fer him. Ye canna cause such a fuss, especially when Mama has her hands full with four children."

"I'm sorwy, Da," she said, sweetly.

"Verra gut, but it is perhaps Lord John ye should be sorry to since ye were being difficult fer him, not me," Jamie's voice was firm.

"I'm sorwy Lord John," Rosie told him.

"No worries, Lady Rose, I am always your humble servant," Lord John said, bowing gallantly towards her, causing her to giggle.

"Now," Jamie put her down on the grass with a kiss on the head, "Play for a bit while I talk to Mama and Lord John. Do not interrupt, do ye hear me?"

"Aye, Da," Rosie nodded, seriously as she began to pick wildflowers in the grass.

"I'm sorry, John, that Jamie and I lost track of time," Eleanor told him, watching Rosie carefully, out of the corner of her eye.

"Tis no worry," John said, "The children need to accustom themselves to other adults, especially Rosie. They had been doing well with that, but I believe they are weary from traveling."

"I'll be glad when we are home," Eleanor bit her lip, worried. "Between Sam's tantrums and Rosie practically being my shadow, I just don't know what to do. Is this all because of what happened? Some children who have traumatic events in their childhood never get over it- it carries with them. And I split our family apart- they needed both of us after we got them back and I made more changes for them. Perhaps, I was selfish."

"Ye are not selfish," Jamie frowned. "That dinnae lie on yer shoulders, lassie."

"It does a bit," Eleanor said, "Perhaps, I am not equipped to handle all of this."

"But you are," John put a hand on her arm, "You mustn't think that the children will never get over those ramifications, Eleanor. As you have said before, children are resilient. Twas most probable that they would have behaved this way even without those events. Children find solace with their parents, and as you said, Sam's tantrums are not very abnormal as troublesome they might be in intensity and duration."

"Aye, Lord John is right," Jamie said. "The wee uns will adjust and I am sure will grow into fine adults. In the meantime, why don't I take the wee lads for a few weeks? We are working on the big house at Fraser's Ridge, but there will be plenty to do and plenty of family around between Fergus and Brianna...I ken they would have a gut time."

"But what if they get homesick?" Eleanor frowned. "They would be so far from me and so long for them to get to me...and you would be busy with the house."

"I can send Fergus with them or Murtagh. Tis no a worry."

"But Murtagh..." Eleanor swallowed hard. "Would that be safe?"

"Murtagh kens weel how to be hidden. If needed, it might be a gut endeavor for him to get out of North Carolina. And Mac needs to have time with his godfather, now that we ken he is alive and weel. There are things that all lads should learn- what Murtagh taught me."

"He is a little boy, Jamie," Eleanor said, her face creased in worry. "I do not want him to learn those highland warrior skills yet."

John looked to his wife, skeptically, "I doubt Jamie would permit anything uncouth with Mac or Sam, Eleanor."

Jamie raised an eyebrow at Eleanor's reluctance, "I ken what is appropriate and no fer the lad, Ellie. And from what ye have said, it sounds like Sam needs some fatherly attention. He is givin ye trouble because he kens ye are easy to manipulate."

"Trust me, you cannot beat him out of these tantrums, James," Eleanor let out her breath, the air turning charged between them as Eleanor went into defensive mode.

"Aye, I ken that," Jamie said, "I wasna planning on doing so...but one day it may come to it."

"Not, while I still have breath," Eleanor said, darkly.

"Ye canna tie my hands as their father," Jamie shot back. "Lads need their father...I loved my father even though I was thrashed more times than I can count."

"I do not deny that the boys need you, Jamie. But we are handling it. Sam is getting that attention and redirection from his godfather." She looked over to where Rosie was wandering, "Rosie, don't go to far, honey!" she called.

"Aye, I'm aware of it, but Lord John isna his father."

"I know that, but John is very good with him," Eleanor adamantly retorted, "He respects him. He responds to him." She went over to grab, Rosie bring her back, "Pick flowers over here, lovie," she said, patting her head.

"Eleanor," John's voice was even as he again put his hand on her arm, lightly touching it. "I do not believe Jamie is trying to slight me."

"Of course not," Jamie said, "I dinnae deny that Lord John is capable of pulling Samuel in line, lass, but if I ken ye the way I ken I do, then ye control the parenting in yer household. Dinnae try to tell me that is no the truth because ye do so with me and I am a lot less tolerant of a man than Lord John is."

"Now, wait a moment, I deny that notion that Eleanor is controlling our household," John interjected, "It's offensive, Jamie." His voice was low Jamie knew that John was at the end of his patience with the conversation.

"I dinnae mean to offend," Jamie frowned. "I just ken Eleanor weel…"

"Be that as it may, I am very invested in the children, Jamie, as you well know. The care of a the children has very much been my concern since Eleanor and I wed."

"But do you discipline them the way you ken I would want?"

John shot a warning at Eleanor, who he knew was very put out with Jamie and he knew she was teetering on saying something that would lead to a blow up between the two of them, "When you allowed the children to come under my care, you consented to me, doing what I saw fit in regards to Eleanor and the children. I discipline the children in the way that I see warrants the severity of their behavior. I know you think Sam is allowed free reign, but he is not. His tantrums have been severe at times, but Eleanor and I mutually agree upon a course for each of the children."

"Or more that ye dinnae want to deal with the consequences of Eleanor disagreeing with you. When it comes to the children, I have to ken that she is not tying yer hands."

"Good Lord, you have such a charming opinion of my character," Eleanor drawled as she crossed her arms, shivering, "And here I was thinking we were getting along so well on these past few occasions."

Jamie let out a long breath, "Aye, we were..we still are. But lest ye forget, I ken yer virtues...and yer vices quite well."

"As I do as well for you," Eleanor shot back, "If we are going to parent together, there needs to be a mutual respect betwixt you and I. John may not throw his weight around with me, but I wouldn't dare push his buttons like I push yours."

"Then you admit to provoking me..."

"Oh, undoubtedly," Eleanor said, her eyes staring into his. "And more so, I have acquired the right to do so just for the hell of it."

"_Eleanor_," John's voice was sharp. "Rose is watching."

Eleanor felt John's hand on her arm, the weight of it heavy. He left it there, a gesture that she knew was meant to caution her with what she said next. But it only served to fluster her that she lost her temper with Jamie in front of Lord John.

"Damn it," Eleanor grunted. "I just hate that we go from being sweet to each other to being at each other's throats. I miss my friend, James."

John patted her arm and then dropped his hand.

"Aye, I ken yer meaning," Jamie turned away from her, trying to gather his temper.

"Are ye mad at mama?" Rosie's voice was low. Jamie's shoulders relaxed, his temper dissipating at the sound of their daughter's sweet voice.

"No, leannan," Jamie reached to pick her up. He kissed Rosie's head. "I can never truly be angry at your mother."

"Because ye love her."

The tension mounted further, but Eleanor's hand slipped into the crook of John's bent arm.

"Of course, I do," Jamie kissed his daughter again. "Just as I love ye and Sam and Mac and Brianna..."

"And Hope. Dinna forget Hope."

"Oh, I canna ever forget Hope," Jamie said, his voice low. His eyes crossed the divide and met Eleanor's, his chin titled. The question was clear in his eyes.

Eleanor's heart began to race. The opening was so evident, like the climax of a novel...

John's hand gently distangled Eleanor's hand from his arm. "Rosie, my dear, will you come with me? There are some pretty flowers I wanted to show you."

Rosie nodded and Jamie put her down to take John's hand, them chatting quietly with each other about the colors of said flowers.

Eleanor's face had flushed, but still she was quiet, watching John's retreating form.

She reached for the fence, both of her hands resting on it, trying to gather her courage. And yet as the words danced upon the tip of her tongue, as she rehearsed them over and over in her head, willing them to come out, she found that she just couldn't speak.

"Eleanor," Jamie's hand rested on her arm. "Can you look at me, lass?"

Eleanor tore her eyes from the pasture to meet his eyes.

He continued, "Ye ken that ye can tell me anything...regardless of the consequences fer me...fer ye, if there is something I need to ken aboot our family, then ye can tell me."

She bit her lip, "I know."

They stood there in heavy silence for a few minutes, staring at each other, willing each other to speak...for Jamie to ask the question, for Eleanor to tell the truth. And yet, neither of them could. Finally, Eleanor let out a long breath and turned again to him, "You can take Sam and Mac of course. But if they get homesick, please send them back to me...I know that is inconvenient, but..."

"No, I ken that is important to ye," Jamie said, nodding. "And I will wait to talk with Mac until we are with him at the Ridge. And of course, I willna beat Sam over his tantrums...at least fer now. A few small smacks here and there will be sufficient- I can be verra persuasive using my hand."

"Sounds good," Eleanor nodded. She put her hand over Jamie's. "I should find John and then pack for the boys."

"Aye, verra gut. Will ye send Lord John this way when ye retrieve our daughter?"

"Of course," she went to turn, but Jamie's hand remained gripped to her arm.

"There is a reason why ye want to provoke me just fer the hell of it...and it isna only because Claire returned and I dinna fight fer ye. We canna never be at peace...truly...with each other, until we face what is underlying...do ye ken my meaning?" He paused.

She took her hand and forcibly removed Jamie's hand from her arm. "I'll send Lord John to you."

"Thank ye, lass."

"No problem," Eleanor forced a smile and began to walk away but Jamie's voice stopped her.

"I miss my friend as weel, mo ghraidh."

Eleanor closed her eyes, unable to hide the look of pain that immediately sprung up. "Oh, Jamie..." Her eyes met his and both were filled with tears. She held his gaze for a few moments before turning again, to walk away.

Jamie leaned against the fence post, his head bent upon it, until John walked up a few minutes later.

"What is it, Jamie?"

"She willna say it."

"She cannot say it," John let out a long breath. "She is so afraid of it...the truth."

"Is she quite certain that it is the truth?" Jamie pressed, "If she was, then...she would have said. The opening was there. She would have said."

John paused, considering, "I cannot betray Eleanor's confidence. I should have never told you that she indicated to me that Hope was yours. As for how she knows or whether it is a mere feeling of hers, then you must ascertain that information from her yourself. She can enlighten you to the particulars of it..."

"Perhaps, I should just say it...that ye let it slip that she was most likely mine long ago."

"Or I can," John said, frowning, "but the truth of the matter is...she needs to be the one to tell you and why she believes it to be the truth. If she cannot trust you again...in your character, and in your very person, then she will always be at odds with you as a parent...and she will fight your every decision for the children."

"Does she truly not argue with ye over the wee uns?"

"Rarely," John said. "And I do discipline them...smacks here and there. Nothing more." He paused, "You and I have a very different temperament, but that does not negate the clear love she still feels towards you...and the respect. Once she says the words, the impacts, they are great. It is a matter for you and I to speculate, but when Eleanor confides in you, it is a time to take action...for decision. Will you be able to walk way from Hope knowing you are the child's father?"

"I did for William."

"But that was different," John said, "There is an inheritance to consider. The only matter that would cause you not to claim Hope as your own...is your loyalty and devotion to Claire. And to be frank, the reason why she hesitates, is that she doesn't trust you to choose Hope over Claire." John paused, "I do not say this to pain you...but the Jamie Fraser I know, would have confronted Eleanor over what I told you in the days and months since...regardless of the consequences to myself for betraying Eleanor's confidence. And yet, you remain silent...just as you remained silent when Claire came back. You are afraid that Claire will leave you if she knows full well that the minute she was considered perished, you took Eleanor back into your arms. Hope is evidence that the love you and Eleanor share cannot be easily diminished."

"No," Jamie shook his head swiftly, "She kens that I love Eleanor."

"In theory, but...if she saw the clear reaction you had to Eleanor and Tryon last night, she would know that the passion betwixt ye and she is still alive, albeit buried deep."

"And yet, you confront it so boldly..." Jamie frowned, "Do ye not care fer yerself?"

John shrugged. "I was always witness to what you and Eleanor shared. There was one time that it perhaps bothered me more on your account than on hers."

"And is that still the case?" Jamie asked, his voice low.

John shook his head, "No, I cannot say it is...but I am content with what Eleanor and I share. I just want to see to her every happiness."

"What will ye do when the war comes?"

"I like, you, will confront that as it comes..." John said, "I will not betray my country for the love I have for Eleanor. But I will not betray that love for my king either. Perhaps, I shall remain neutral."

John snorted, "Men like us canna help but take a side...we live by our convictions...even when we ken what we do."

"Speaking of that," John titled his head, "Eleanor indicated that not all was what it seemed...in your past."

"Oh?" Jamie raised an eyebrow. "What aboot?"

"Your loyalties," John replied, simply, his voice low.

"Ach," Jamie looked at him, sharply. "I am a Scot through and through, John. Ye ken that."

"Yes, I do," John said, evenly, "But that does not mean you chose to be a traitor...and yet you have paid such great a price for it."

"Aye," Jamie said, slowly. "I canna live by regret. Eleanor thinks I have been unjustly treated by this life...and in that beautiful soul of hers, she mourns for it...yet, I canna say that I have not been blessed. I never thought I would have a family...and land to build a legacy. And who can say they have found the kind of love I have...twice in a lifetime? Nah, it does no gut to dwell upon the past."

Lord John nodded, "But looking towards the future... I must ask...and forgive me for my presumptuousness, but do you feel it wise to encourage Mac's relationship with Mr. Fitgibbons, who is essentially an outlaw?"

Jamie raised an eyebrow, "He is also my godfather, John. And a verra gut man. And Eleanor dinna disagree with Murtagh's association, only perhaps his methods. But Murtagh is separating himself from the regulators until the matter with Tryon settles down."

"But for how long?" John pressed. "I know Tryon well, and he will not let this matter go. In a few months, it will rear its ugly head again. You must be prepared for that, Jamie."

"I ken," Jamie let out a long breath, "But I willna deny Mac his godfather. Nor myself. I can put Tryon off for a while."

"Very well then," John said, "Perhaps we should go check on the little ones and let Mac and Sam know of our adjusted plans."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Let's."

* * *

"Are ye regrettin our decision already?" Jamie questioned as Eleanor knelt before her sons, the tears full in her eyes. "Tis only fer a wee bit of time."

"Of course, I'll just miss these sweet boys of ours," Eleanor put her hands on both the boys faces. "Da is right. Tis only for a bit." She straightened, "Claire won't mind, will she?"

"Of course not," Jamie gave Rosie a kiss and handed her to Eleanor and the flung Sam up into his arms. "She misses the children as much as I do. And it will be gut fer the lads to spend time with us."

"I know," she leaned to give Jamie a hug, Mac squished between them and one arm around Sam and the other around Jamie. "Take care of our boys, James Fraser."

"Ye ken I will, mo ghraidh…"

"Why canna Rosie go?" Rosie pouted.

"Because Hope and I cannot bear to be parted from you, darling," Eleanor said. "And you are a bit too little."

"One day, _alainn ros,_" Jamie leaned to give his daughter a kiss. He put Sam down and walked over to where John was holding Hope.

"John," Jamie nodded.

"Jamie," John smiled at him.

Jamie's fingers reached to dance across Hope's red hair. "Goodbye, lass."

"Say goodbye to Mister Fraser, Hope," John instructed his voice low.

Hope waved, "Bye bye."

Jamie's eyes met Eleanor's and she forced a smile. John put the girls in the carriage and Eleanor gave one last long hug to each of her sons.

"Goodbye, James."

"Goodbye, Lady John." He bowed to her, formally.

John hid a smirk and reached to assist Eleanor into the carriage.

He put each of his hands on his stepson's head. "We will miss you both. The house will be far less lively with just William and the little girls. Do mind your manners."

"Yes, sir," Mac nodded as Sam reached to hug his godfather, his grip tight around him.

John closed his eyes, suddenly moved. He opened his eyes and met Jamie's...and at that moment, Jamie understood exactly what his children meant to John.

* * *

Hope and Rosie played with their dollies next to Eleanor in the carriage, their baby chatter filling the carriage.

"You are quiet," John said, his voice low. "Do you feel well?"

"I miss the boys," Eleanor said, forcing a smile, her hand alternating between rubbing Rosie's curls and Hope's shorter hair. Tears filled her eyes.

"You did not have to consent to let them go with Jamie," John said. "I must say I was surprised."

Eleanor shrugged. "Jamie is their father. And he had concerns about Sam's adjustment to this all."

John studied her, his scrutiny evident.

"What is it, John?" Eleanor asked, her face flushing.

"Why didn't you tell Jamie, Eleanor?" John said, his voice low. "The opportunity presented itself perfectly."

Eleanor bit her lip. "If everyone knows...if it is really all that obvious...then the fact that Jamie has not questioned the issue again..." she shrugged. "Perhaps he does not care."

"Does not care?" John asked, incredulously, "Do you not see the way he steals glances at her?"

Eleanor met his eyes. "It will not be enough. He will always choose to save his relationship with Claire..."

"Jamie was besides himself last night, over you and Tryon," John said, "I had to intervene- he was about to give you a dressing down, and encourage me to do the same."

"Your point?" Eleanor asked, frowning.

"My point," John said, evenly, "That his affection for you clearly still runs deep. Do you not trust him? You and I both find him to be an honorable man."

Eleanor continued to rub the girls' hair; "Maybe, when I get to the heart of the matter, my hurt still runs deep as well."

John nodded, "Perhaps that is true...but how long will you hold onto that hurt, Eleanor? You and Jamie will never be at peace until this matter is settled...and the harmony betwixt the two of you is paramount to all of our happiness."

She was quiet for a few minutes and John finally broke the silence, "I do not say this to add to your hurt."

"Of course, you don't," Eleanor said, "I fear Jamie was correct about my vices."

John chuckled, "But your vices make you so endearing, my darling."

She laughed, "Very fortunate for me that you think so, dearest John."

* * *

"William," Eleanor reached for her stepson. She pulled him into a giant hug. "I should have insisted your Papa take you with us. It was too long to be apart from you. I was worried."

"She was indeed," John winked at his stepson, "Fretted dreadfully that you were taking care and attending to your lessons."

She pulled him away from her, "Now, let me look at you. Goodness, I left you a boy and here you are becoming a man. You have grown." She put her hand on his cheek, "I have missed you so very much."

"While I missed you as well, I cannot say I am not glad to have missed all the travels, and then being stuck in North Carolina for so many weeks," William said, "It must have been dreadful dull."

"No more dull than when your father insists I socialize," Eleanor said, laughing, as John pretended to be offended, "You must tell me everything I have missed!"

"It has been terribly boring without you, Ellie," William said, picking up Hope who was clinging to his leg. "Do you remember me Hope?" He swung her up in the air.

Hope giggled and William reached for Rosie.

"Where is Mac and Sam?"

"They are with Mister Fraser," John cleared his throat. "At Fraser's Ridge. They may return, but if not, we will meet again at the Ridge for Mistress Fraser's wedding."

He nodded, "I look forward to seeing Mr. Fraser again."

Eleanor looked to John, with a tilt of her head, but he shook his head, very discreetly.

"Tell me everything."

John put his hand on her knee. "There will be time for that, my darling. You are exhausted and do not deny it to be the truth."

"I do not deny it," Eleanor gave William a mock disgruntled look, "Your Papa has grown very bossy in our time away, William."

"I think he was always a bit when it came to you, ma'am," William chuckled, "Remember, how he scolds you when you forget your hat?"

"I do," Eleanor gave a wide smile.

John rose and offered his hand, helping her up, "How about we all go riding tomorrow and we shall hear all of William's adventures whilst we were away?"

"Oh God," Eleanor groaned, "You know I do not ride...I mean, I ride some, but not enough to keep up with you both...and not well at all."

John paused, "No, actually..." He paused again, his hand still in hers, "Are you jesting, Ellie?"

"John," Eleanor gave him a look, "How did you not know this? We have been married for months and before that were friends for years."

"I suppose we never had the occasion, you so busy with the children...and..." he fumbled, "I thought...there was a monetary consideration while you always rode with the others...on those occasions we met."

"The monetary consideration that I would break my neck otherwise..." Eleanor grunted. "The English are so hopelessly fond of their horses, and I for one...am not. Remember that awful day with Isaac? William left his horse for me...and I asked if I could ride back with you. You had someone take the horse back."

"Well, yes, I thought you were just distraught over the situation," John commented, incredulously. He turned to William, "Did you know this?"

William nodded, "Yes, sir, Mama told Mac and I ages ago."

"Did she?" John lifted her hand to kiss. "Tomorrow, Lady John. You can ride with me while we reacquaint ourselves with our son."

Eleanor gave William a bright smile, "I look forward to it. Come on ladies," She offered Hope and Rosie each a hand. "Say goodbye to your brother."

"Bye bye," Hope waved to him and Rosie leaned up to give him a shy hug.

* * *

Eleanor got both girls to sleep early, exhausted from their travels. Susanna had helped her with her dress and she had put on her nightgown, and attempted to rest herself, but she found herself plagued with the thoughts of the boys- and worries for them. She got out of bed and wandered to the boy's rooms. She pushed open door of the bedroom. She could not deny that her heart was aching. She sat down on Sam's bed. She took his pillow and curled it up in her arms. She did not know how long she sat there, her heart aching. She laid there for so long before the door creaked open again, the floorboards vibrating as John walked across them.

"There you are," John came in, with a candle. "What are you doing in the dark, Ellie?"

Eleanor sobbed, "I want my boys. I shouldn't have let them go. What if something happens and they are away from me?" She heaved.

"Darling," John quickly went over to her, putting the candle on the table, the bed creaking as he sat next to her. He was only in his untucked shirt and breeks...he had partially undressed before realizing Eleanor was not asleep in his room. "Jamie is perfectly capable of taking care of the boys."

She buried her head in her hands and turned away from John, her head in the covers.

John's hand immediately went to rest on her back. "What can I do?"

She shook her head.

John stared at her for a moment and then deftly climbed over her to position himself on the other side of her between the bed and the wall, the two squashed together on Sam's small bed. He pulled her into his arms. "Is this more than just missing the boys?" his voice was low. "Is this about when the children were taken from you?"

"I just want them safe...and when they are so far, I don't know they are," Eleanor said, turning into John's arms. "When the children were taken...God, I hate letting them out of my sight. I just want to protect them and hold onto them forever...because the minute I let go...they can be gone."

John brushed her plastered hair away from her face, "Tell me about that day they were taken. You haven't yet."

"Surely, I have."

"No, you haven't," John said, his voice low. "You have told me, but you haven't really told me...I want to know the particulars...how you were feeling...what you were thinking."

He reached for her hand, bring it to his lips, kissing it. "You must confront your past, Eleanor, to truly heal. Otherwise, every time you part from one of your children, you will panic with the possibilities."

She sniffed hard, "You are endlessly wise, Lord John."

He kissed her hand again, "Will you not rely on me to guide your heart through this separation? You cannot hold onto them with such a tight grip. Jamie was right months ago about that. When Rosie was playing, you got so worried when she was wandering. It frustrates you for her to be so needy, but you cannot keep from worry which pulls her right back to you."

Eleanor wiped her eyes, "God, you are right."

"It's not a criticism, only a concern, my dear."

Eleanor nodded and then looked at him, almost shyly, "I'll tell you."

"Very good," John gently shifted her so she was more securely on the bed, which made her end up half on top of him and half not. "The hell with it," John grunted and then hoisted her onto him so she was lying on top. "Comfortable?"

She laid her head on his chest. "Are you?" As much as they were intimate and becoming comfortable with each other, they never snuggled in this position before.

"Oddly yes," John said. "Begin your story, Lady John."

She thought for a few moments, "Jamie went full into solider mode that day."

"I can only imagine," John said, "He is very protective of you and the children."

"He and Murtagh fought over whether I should stay. It was the one time, Murtagh trumped Jamie's wishes and Jamie relented. He wanted me to stay at Lallybroch. He didn't want to deal with my heartbreak...it was too messy for him. I wasn't strong enough for him...not like Claire...who he takes every where with him."

"Hum," John rubbed her back, his fingers dancing along it. "Is that what you thought?"

"I was so hurt...I was in the deepest despair of my life...my children were torn again from me...for the second time in a lifetime and this time, I did not know if they were dead or alive...and Rosie was such a tiny one...she was still nursing...she was barely rolling over, and Jamie wanted me to stay. And I felt so guilty."

"About what?" John asked, curiously.

"I had yelled terribly at the boys that morning. They were being so rambunctious and I was trying to nurse Rosie and...it was like chaos and I snapped."

John chuckled, "Oh my darling. You have always had your hands so full."

"So Young Ian stepped in...that darling boy that I love. He always knew when his auntie has had enough and he took pity. I took the meal out to Jamie and Murtagh that day while Ian watched the kids and that is what they needed..."

"That was not your fault," John said, firmly. "What would have happened if you were there? You could have been killed."

She sniffed, "I know. But...I came back in and Sam's bear...do you remember the one you sent for him?"

"I do," John said.

"it was ripped to shreds...I cannot tell you the panic I felt. It was like there was a huge weight on my chest and I all I knew is that I had to get to Jamie...that Jamie would know what to do. He didn't believe me at first...thought I was overreacting...that the children were playing a game...until I showed him the picture of the white rose. And then he went full out warrior...We packed quickly so the trail would not run cold, but it did run cold. And that night...it had been hours since I had fed Rosie, my breasts...God...the emotions of being so full and knowing she needed me...it killed me. Murtagh tried...he was so sweet with me and kind that night. But all I wanted was Jamie...to take me and hold me and comfort me...our love created these children and sustained us through so much in the few years were raised them together and I needed him desperately and yet he was out of reach to me as well."

John let out a sigh, "My sweet Eleanor. I can assure you that is what he wanted as well."

She breathed deeply, "When Claire and Murtagh had fallen asleep, I had been woken up and started to wander...it was then when Jamie and I just sat together...and finally he reached for my hand. But the whole trip, he and I were at odds, until...that night we conceived Hope."

Eleanor sighed, " It was the worst period of my life, facing the unknown...and my worry, it plagued me. Needless to say, I don't like to talk about it...to remember."

"Well, I'm glad you did," John said, "especially in regards to Jamie. I think that is important, but I don't think you fully understand his reasoning for not wanting you along."

"What else would it be besides that he thought I couldn't handle things?"

"He was ashamed of not being able to protect your family from the threat that he knew about for years. He had let his guard down. That moment wasn't about you, but it was about him."

"I never thought of it that way," Eleanor said. "I never once blamed him."

John kissed her hand, "But that wouldn't have stopped him for blaming himself. Witnessing the effects of that on your face...it must have been unbearable for him to endure. Easier for you to stay at Lallybroch then to see your struggle day after day and flogging himself over it." He paused, "Eleanor, there are going to be times that will break your heart...I do not wish for those times to come, but they will...this is a difficult time we live in, full of war and death...but we have to live...not in fear of what is to come, but in hope, that we will endure the challenges we might face...and we will endure them, my dear, for you and I are both stronger together than we are apart."

Eleanor sighed, "So, I should stop worrying about the children?"

"Indeed," John rubbed her back, "especially in regard to unfounded worry and concern."

She rested for a bit on his chest before lifting up her head, "I told you some of my heart...will you not tell me some of yours?"

"Hum," John rubbed her back as she laid her head back down, "What do you wish to know?"

"You lost someone dear to you at Culloden...will you not tell me about him?"

"Do you truly wish to know?" John asked, his voice quiet.

"Yes."

"Very well then," he said, softly, "_his name was Hector,_" he began, "_and he was my first love."_

* * *

"Whom do we have here?" Claire asked, giving Jamie a hug and kiss before giving both boys a giant hug. "What are the two of you doing here?"

"Da said we should stay for a while," Sam said, hopping up and down on one foot, his dark hair sticking straight up.

"Did he?" Claire mused, smoothing down Sam's hair, and then looking to Jamie.

"Aye," Jamie tethered his horse. "I dinna think ye would mind."

"Of course I do not mind," Claire said, her arms around the boys again. "It will be good to have you two home again."

"Thank you, Claire," Mac said, his voice shy. Claire squeezed his shoulder, leaning down, "There will be plenty to amuse two little boys at Fraser's Ridge, I'm sure." She straightened and turned to Jamie who came up beside her again, "I'm just shocked Eleanor allowed this." she said, as Jamie put his arm around her waist.

"Aye, I thought it would be gut fer the wee lads to be with their family."

"Did you?" Claire frowned, "What brought that on?"

"I'll tell you later," Jamie mumbled.

"Fergus!" Mac and Sam pushed past Jamie and Claire to go embrace their brother. "Fergus, Da said we can stay at Fraser's Ridge and help build the big house!" Sam said.

"A very fine idea, mi Lord," Fergus swung Sam up.

Roger and Bree stepped out of the house.

"Da!" Bree came to give him a hug and then gathered up her brothers. "And Mac and Sam! So glad you are here."

"Aye, ye wee rascals," Murtagh came out and swung Mac up into his arms, "We need fine men like yourselves to help build the house. They lads will be verra useful indeed, Jamie," he gave his godson a look, "Eleanor allowed this? What did ye have to do to convince the lass? I canna imagine a bribe big enough to coerce her to allow the wee uns from her side."

"I may have mentioned if the lads get homesick, ye'll return them in one piece to her."

Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "To Lord John's?"

"Aye, it will be gut fer ye to get out of North Carolina fer a bit, Murtagh."

Murtagh put Mac down and ruffled his hair, "Aye, maybe so."

* * *

"Good Lord," Eleanor was in stitches as John helped her down from the horse as William dismounted as well by the river. The day was warm and they sought comfort in the shade.

"I have never heard so much squealing out of you, Eleanor," John said, unable to hide his smirk as she plopped down rather ungracefully on the bank. Her legs were shaky from the riding. She had clenched all her muscles in fear that she would fall even with John's adept skill in riding. "Did you truly think I would ever let you fall?"

"No," Eleanor said, taking her hat off and tossing it on the ground. "I knew you wouldn't, but still, we were flying..." She laughed, her face flushed.

"Had to so we could keep up with William," John said. "You have become a remarkable rider."

"Thank you," William undid the packages that were tied to his horse and handed them to Eleanor, who began to unwrap them, handing the bread and cheese to each of them.

"Maybe you should put your hat back on, Lady John," John said, dryly.

She shook her head, "It has made me even warmer," she said. "Tell me about all that has happened. What have you done? What have you learned?"

William began filling them in as they ate the bread and cheese. Eleanor tried to raise her hair into a ponytail so it would stop sticking to her neck. Finally, she said, "I'm sticking my feet in the water."

John looked at her, frowning, "Ellie, I do not feel that is at all proper for a lady of your..."

"Oh, don't scold me, Lord John. I don't care if it is not ladylike. It's just you and William and this is dreadfully hot weather. Reminds me of Jamaica...oh, goodness, William, do you remember how we used to hunt for the breeze?" She titled her head as she slipped off her shoes.

William laughed, "I do. When Papa was away, you could always coerce me into your adventures..."

"Because when your Papa is there, he can be quite a spoil sport when it comes to propriety," Eleanor reached out to poke at Lord John and William laughed loudly. Nobody could tease Lord John in the way Eleanor could and he could see from his reaction that his Papa was quite amused by Eleanor's antics.

Eleanor looked to William. "Come on, William. Stick your feet in with me, then it will be two against one and your Papa will sure not be angry at me for it."

"Oh, I see how this is going," John grunted as Eleanor slipped off her stockings, discreetly. She went down to the river's edge and plopped her feet in. "Feels great!" She turned to give John a saucy smirk. "Come on, William! I doubt you will be traumatized by seeing my ankles."

William looked to his father who rolled his eyes, "Whatever Eleanor wishes, William, is clearly what she will get. We shall all be quite undignified together."

"How did you not learn how to ride, Ellie?" William asked as he took off his socks and shoes and went to sit next to her and John came to the other side of her, doing the same.

"I do know how to ride...just not well," Eleanor said, "I'm quite clumsy on a horse. Mr. Fraser can attest to that. He said he could teach anybody, but I was a difficult case..." she paused and then looked to John, who gave a small nod of permission. "He said he taught you...long ago as a boy...and if he could do it for you, a mere child, he could do it for me...of course, I think you were quite more skilled at it, naturally...being English and all. I fear Mr. Fraser met his challenge with me."

William cleared his throat, glancing at John, "Then you knew of that...that Mister Fraser used to be our groom, but his name was MacKenzie- Mac."

"Yes, I knew," Eleanor said. "He liked you a lot William. When did you remember Jamie was Mac?"

"Well," the water splashed as William shifted his feet, "At Fraser's Ridge...he said something to the horse- it had become unsettled and he spoke to it.."

"In Gaelic?"

"Yes."

"That was ages ago," Eleanor said, "you knew this whole time?"

"And the fact that Mac's name is Mac," William said, "It was not hard to put it together."

Eleanor glanced at John, who said, his voice low, "Why did you not say something, William?"

"I did not want to embarrass Ellie, if she didn't know that she married so far beneath her."

The way William said it was clear that he had no doubt that this was to be the case- he saw her as a lady. Eleanor's heart melted at the thought.

"Oh my dearest William, how I love you!" Eleanor reached over to fling her arm around him, "It was your Papa who married so very far beneath him with me. Jamie and I were far better matched, I'm afraid. I hope that doesn't disappoint you."

"But I do not happen to believe that is the truth," John said, "As Eleanor is quite special regardless of her station, is she not, William?"

"Yes, indeed," William said. "Then you are not at all embarrassed that you married a groom?"

Eleanor laughed, "Let me tell you, William, there is only one James Fraser in this world and he can put 99.99% of the men on this earth...gentleman or naught to shame...save for your own Papa, that is...who is in that blessed one hundredth of a percent that can put Jamie Fraser to shame."

"I did not realize you were so good with numbers, my dear," John's tips of his ears turned pink under Eleanor's clear praise.

"She is very good with numbers, Papa," William said, "She can balance accounts and everything."

"Can she now?" He cleared his throat, "I'm not at all surprised, your deftness at chess is testament to your intellect."

"Not at all suitable for the wife of Lord John Grey," Eleanor said, dramatically with a wink at William.

"Entirely suitable," John retorted, "It would not have done for me to have a twit for a wife."

"Glad for that," Eleanor chuckled, "but you see, William, I fear that your poor Papa was the one you should have been worried about."

"Clearly," John said, dryly, "for your stepmama is quite the handful, is she not?"

William laughed, delighted. "I do not think I want to answer, Papa."

"Good boy," Eleanor reached and patted his knee. "As for Mr. Fraser, we are certainly not embarrassed by the association."

"No, indeed, we are not," John said, "And Mr. Fraser was a gentleman, what was his title, Eleanor?"

"Lord Broch Tuarach," Eleanor said, softly and both William and John could tell that her heart was shattered over his fate, "although in Scotland they would say that Jamie was Laird of Lallybroch."

"What happened?" William asked.

"He signed over the deed to Lallybroch to his nephew," Eleanor said and John reached over to squeeze her hand once, comfortingly.

"Why would he do that?" Willie pressed.

"He fought for Charles Stuart at Culloden," John said, his voice low.

"So he was a traitor," William's mouth dropped open, "That's even worse than a groom!"

"No, dear William," Eleanor said, adamantly, "The English Crown was so oppressive towards the Scots and the English army was entirely cruel and unjust in the highlands."

"Eleanor," John admonished, "_Please use discretion_."

"I'm not going to have Jamie branded as a traitor, John," Eleanor retorted.

"Sweetheart, he was a traitor...anybody who fought for Charles Stuart was," John said, patiently. "Surely, you cannot quarrel with the choice of William's word."

"I suppose," Eleanor said, "technically, that would be the correct usage of the word."

"What did they do that was so oppressive?" William asked and Eleanor looked to John, who nodded slowly.

"Taxes and _some _ in the English army used their power to do cruel and unjust things to the highlanders, matters that if I spoke the particulars of to you, your father would have my hide."

"But after Culloden," William said, his brow creasing, "shouldn't there be a price to rebellion? Wasn't that the choice when the men fought?"

"I think so," John said, with a glance at his wife, "But your stepmama clearly disagrees."

"Sufficed to say, maybe we can all agree upon in the case of the Rising of 45...that there were good and bad men on both side of the field, wouldn't you agree, Lord John?"

"I defer to your point on the matter, Lady John," John said, smoothly.

"Truly, Papa?" William asked.

"Especially in regards to Mister Fraser," John added.

"And he thought his wife was dead?" William asked.

"Yes," Eleanor said, "I met him not long after he left Helwater. He saved my life that night and I'm so grateful to him...groom or not. He is a good man, an honorable man...even if he did not quite succeed in making me a adept horsewoman." She winked at him and they all had a chuckle. Eleanor reached out to touch William's arm, "The truth of the matter is...if you ever have any concerns or questions...about anything...I hope that you will be able to come to either your Papa or myself. We love you, William...and we are so proud of the man you are becoming...so if there is anything... in the future...that you need to settle with us, we are here. We may not always agree on everything, but we are a family."

John glanced at her sharply, but Eleanor's eyes were fixed on William.

"Yes, ma'am," William said, "I understand."

* * *

Eleanor splashed her legs in the river as she watched William ride away. "It's just you and I, Lord John." She said as she braided her hair and tied it with the ribbon that had fallen out.

"Will you not wear your hat?" John asked, exasperated. "You are becoming pink. If you are sunburnt tonight, I will be quite put out."

Eleanor looked mischievous."Is that so? Will you spank me?"

John raised an eyebrow, "I might be tempted."

"Is that so?" Eleanor raised an eyebrow back at him. She reached down in the water to splash him.

"Great God in heaven, you did not just do that," John said, "I'm wet."

"Clearly, Sherlock," Eleanor said.

"Who was Sherlock?" John asked, flicking his hand in the water to retaliate.

"A detective..." Eleanor giggled, "Do you know how to swim?"

"I do," John said, "Do you?"

"Of course," Eleanor said, "grew up near water...will you come swimming with me? I want to cool off further."

"Oh, good Lord," John snorted. "When Mac and Sam are not here, you certainty use the opportunity to cause mischief yourself, do you not?"

Eleanor giggled, "Please?"

He stood and offered his hand, "Well, come on then."

They stripped down and Eleanor remained in her shift, but he shook his head swiftly, "Oh, no, if you are going to be trouble, then you shall be trouble." He eyed her shift, "Take it off."

"So demanding," Eleanor said, taking it off and tossing it in his direction when he picked her up and hoisted her into the water.

"Oh God, it's cold!" she squealed as John jumped in next to her. She treaded water as he dunked his head and came back up.

"Go under and come back up. You'll be warmer."

Eleanor nodded and did his bidding. She nodded and then floated on her back. "I missed this. I didn't realize how much."

"Did you swim in the river during your time?"

"Um, not usually the river," Eleanor said. "Pollution and all."

He reached to put a hand under her back as she began to sink. "Did you and Jamie swim together?"

She paused, "It's cold in Scotland."

"But you did, did you not?"

"Yes, on a few occasions..."

"Did Jamie allow you your shift?"

Eleanor sat up to hold onto John's shoulders. "Do you know your friend at all?"

He chuckled.

_"Agh, Damn it, it's frigid!" Eleanor squealed. "I'm going to get frostbite."_

_"Nah, tis the middle of summer and it has been warm fer several days, has it not, me wee besom?"_

_"It has," she grumped, "Unusually so. But you could have at least let me wear my shift, anybody can come across and see."_

_"Then they will see a husband and wife, quite taken with each other," Jamie said as he plopped her on his hips. "And make no mistake, I am quite taken with ye."_

_She wiggled out of his grasp, "Then you shall have to catch me." She swam away from him, quickly, but he was deft and caught up with her in no time. _

_"You are like a fish to water."_

_"Eek, there are fish in this water." Eleanor said, as a some swam past them. "They don't bite do they?"_

_"Maybe nip a wee bit," Jamie said, "Nothing to be afraid of...won't bite yer limbs off."_

_Eleanor waded in the water. "This is actually fun."_

_"Glad you are amused. Did you bring the soap?" Jamie raised an eyebrow, "I thought we said the purpose would be for a quick wash."_

_"You said the purpose would be for a quick wash for you...who was quite smelly from the time in the fields. I do not know why I am here."_

_"I was thinking of ye, my love, so ye wouldna have to spend all that time preparing a bath..."_

_She poked at him, "Because certainty, I would not have let you in our bed smelling the way you do at the moment." She grinned. __"I left the soap on the bank."_

_Jamie gave her a look and then got out, ran quickly across the bank to retrieve the soap and dived back under. He got up and made a guttural noise, shuddering. _

_"Good Lord," she giggled, "You are a like a horse."_

_Jamie's look was pure mischief as he neighed, "Ye do ken that ye have become much more adept at riding."_

_"I do hope you are talking about the horse and not metaphorically," She said, kicking his leg hard. _

_Jamie swooped her up in his arms, "Aye, mo ghraidh, I never thought ye were wanting in that area, but I canna deny that sometimes ye are distracted by being a mama."_

_She kissed his cheek, "That's fair. You seem to get what you want when you want it anyways, James."_

_"Aye, that is verra true. Ye never leave me wanting, mo ghraidh. It's just I feel that I leave you wanting at times. An obligation to lay back...and what do you call it?"_

_"Think of England."_

_"What a dreadful thought that you would be thinking of while I am trying to make love to ye," Jamie admonished._

_Eleanor giggled. "I have heard England is very pretty."_

_"Aye, it is, in some areas," Jamie acknowledged. He took her hand and then handed her the soap. "You want me clean, then you get me clean."_

_Eleanor sighed, dramatically, "I suppose if I must do my duty by you..."_

_Jamie threw back his head and laughed. "I do love ye somethin fierce, Eleanor Fraser."_

_"Glad you do," she said, "because the feeling is quite mutual..." She began to soap him up, "By the way, Jamie, I do not want to feel that way in those times when I am distracted by waking up Mac or just exhausted...I do not want to feel frumpy..."_

_"I ken that," Jamie dunked under the water. _

_"Hey, can you do me a favor?" Eleanor asked, her voice almost shy. "I have an idea."_

_"What is that, mo ghraidh?" Jamie asked, his brow creasing at her sudden shyness. _

_"Teach me to use your razor."_

_Jamie looked horrified, "What fer?"_

_"I want to shave my legs and my underarms," Eleanor said._

_"Oh Good Lord," Jamie snorted, "Fer what purpose?"_

_"Because in my time," Eleanor said, "that was the norm. And if you want me to feel sexy..."_

_"Sexy...?" Jamie asked, amused._

_"Desirable..." Eleanor clarified, "then that may help," she said, honestly. _

_Jamie raised a skeptical eyebrow, "How can shaving your oxters and legs make ye feel more like my wife? Ye canna be serious."_

_"But I am," Eleanor wrapped her legs around him, "Please, Jamie? You brought your razor and mirror."_

_"Aye, for me, not fer ye," he popped at her arse. _

_Eleanor pulled him tighter against her, kissing him as she did. She pulled away, "Please, my love?"_

_"Ach," Jamie grunted and then lifted her out of the water to lay her on the cloth they brought by the bank. "Verra weel. But ye owe me, me wee besom. And I willna teach ye fer I dinna trust ye not to knick that glorious skin of yers. But when ye feel so inclined, I will perform this service fer ye."_

_"You are so gallant and generous, Mister Fraser," Eleanor said, giggling. _

_"Aye, I ken, Mistress Fraser," Jamie pushed her back, "Ye are not put out that I willna teach ye...that I dinna trust ye with the razor?"_

_Eleanor laughed, "No, I don't quite trust me either. You are being exceedingly practical."_

_"Now," Jamie kissed her, passionately, "Ye must remain verra still, mo ghraidh. Ye canna wiggle aboot like ye usually are prone to when I touch ye." He grabbed her wrap to toss it over her as she was shivering. _

_"Got it," Eleanor said. "I can stay still. I can resist your charms, Jamie Fraser."_

_"Oh, can ye?" Jamie said. "We shall see."_

_It was a painstaking slow process and when he was finished, he lifted her and dumped her back in the water and then took the soap and cleaned her before lifting her out and carrying her back to the blanket. He grinned at her, "Now, I will see the fruits of my labor," He twined his legs in hers. "Ah, verra smooth, indeed." He grinned at her, "Even the dip in the frigid waters cannot cool either of our passion...isn't that so, my love?"_

_Eleanor couldn't deny it- she felt more alive than she had in ages. _

_"Say it," Jamie said. "Say that ye want me...as much as I want...and desire ye...fer I do. I want ye so much that my heart will burst if I dinna have ye."_

_She squirmed, "I want you, James."_

_"Verra gut," Jamie nodded, "Now, tell me how. Slow and sweet...or..." the look Jamie gave her nearly melted her to pieces, "do ye wish me to ride ye hard?"_

_Eleanor blushed, "However you want..."_

_He lifted her up in his arms so he could smack her hard, "No, I willna abide by that," he plopped back down with her, stretching on top of her, "Ye will tell me...fer I am but yer servant this afternoon."_

_She twisted one of his curls around her finger. "Don't relent."_

_"Ah," Jamie grinned, widely, "I ken ye like it as much as I when ye set yer mind to it. Dinna fash, mo ghraidh, I willna relent, even if ye beg me to and beg ye will."_

_"Oh, good Lord," Eleanor's eyes widened. "I'm in for it."_

_He nipped at her neck, "Aye, ye are, love of mine..."_

"Why are you blushing?" John asked, his eyes on her.

Eleanor started to laugh, "It's going to horrify you, darling."

"Oh dear," John looked, heavenward, "I know that you and Jamie in water probably led to a passionate interlude. You two were quite obnoxious in your affection towards on another."

"Yes, but that's not why I'm blushing," Eleanor said, coyly.

"Now you must tell me," John said as he put her hands on her waist. "Or lest my imaginations will get the better of me."

"Very well, but you must promise not to judge."

"I wouldn't dare," John assured her.

"In my time, women would shave their underarms and legs."

"I see," John said, carefully, "for what purpose?"

"Well, we were less covered up then, so legs and underarms could be showing at any time, especially in weather such as this."

"Ah," John said, "That seems reasonable then."

"Yes, and after Mac, I had a hard time balancing being a passionate wife and Mac's Mama...so I asked Jamie to shave me so I would feel more desirable."

John stilled, shocked and then threw back his head and laughed, "Oh, great God in heaven, he did, did he not?"

"Yes," Eleanor blushed further. "He did."

He laughed more, now in stitches, "How can you even doubt that he was so besotted with you, dear?" He laughed more, "Jamie Fraser, Red Jamie...Highland Warrior...shaving his wife...Good Lord, what a picture!"

She smacked at him, "I'm glad you are so amused."

"I am terribly diverted, I cannot deny that fact," John said, grinning, from ear to ear. "Only you, sweet Eleanor."

His look shifted and Eleanor sensed a change in him. He put his hands under her bottom and hoisted her onto his hips, "I'm not only amused, dearest. We can make our own memories upon the river bank, if you'd like," he whispered to her, conspiratorially.

"No," Eleanor shook her head, "I don't think so, Lord John." Her voice was adamant. "I do not think that is wise."

"Why ever not?" John asked, confused by Eleanor's adamant refusal...she never refused him, and so passionately.

"You just said it painted a picture for you...and if you are aroused, it is because of Jamie...not of me...so God, just no!"

John looked horrified, "It's not for Jamie, Eleanor! For the love of God, woman, how many times do I have to convince you?"

"I think at the moment, you might be trying to convince yourself..." Eleanor said and then swam away from him. He easily caught up with her, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her up.

"You will listen to me," John said, his voice very low. "For the sake of what we both hold dear, you must heed what I am telling you now."

"What is it?" Eleanor asked, impatiently.

"I was picturing you as well," John said, "I find you to be the most alluring woman that I have ever known, Eleanor. As a companion and as a lover and maybe I don't understand how that is possible or why I feel what I do when I look at you, nevertheless, _I do feel_..."

"But not as much if I were a man," Eleanor retorted.

"You cannot ask me to quantify it, Eleanor, and certainly not compare it," John responded, his manner stern, "because regardless of my feelings and my amount of desire towards you, you cannot ask me to be James Fraser for you...which is the problem that has always been betwixt us."

"I would never want you to be Jamie!" Eleanor said, just as passionately, "I would never want to change you, Lord John. Why would I ever want to? I meant what I told William. But as my heart learns to rely on you more, which has been, I am so afraid...I'm afraid that you will think I am not enough...just like Jamie always thought I was not enough."

"But he didn't!" John gripped her hard, "You thought you were not enough...and that is what ruined your marriage to him, so I beg of you...Eleanor, do not...do not do the same for us."

Eleanor stared at him, shocked and then her face crumpled. "You think it was my fault."

John paused, his grip loosening. "No, dearest, I did not mean it in that way. Jamie should have fought for you."

"Would you?"

He didn't miss a beat, "Yes. If you continue to push me away like you are now, whatever is compelling you at the moment to do so, I will fight for you, Eleanor."

She stared at him through her tears, "And would you win?"

"I always win, dearest Lady John," Lord John said and then grabbed her and pulled her up into his arms. "Kiss me."

"No," she said. "I do not wish to. Not like this."

"You took that moment and saw what you wanted to see," John said, frankly, "You've been goading at me all day and I cannot fathom why. The only possibility I see is that last night, you confided in me and I confided in you and we got even closer...our hearts became even further entwined and now you are scared to feel that closeness with any man but James Fraser." He paused, "Or you are ashamed of what I told you of my past. That it is one thing to know that I am the way I am, but another thing to be confronted by it."

"That's not true," Eleanor said, softly, "I love who you are. I love _you_."

"Then for the love of God and all that is holy, kiss me woman."

"Why?" she demanded.

"Must you always question my bidding?" John asked, exasperated.

"Yes," Eleanor said, bluntly. "Why?"

"For I love you too," John said, equally blunt, "Now will you kiss me or not?"

She paused, "Do not say things that you do not mean."

"For fuck's sake," John grabbed her and kissed her himself.

She pulled herself away, "I have never heard you say that curse word before."

"I can assure you that you bring it out of me," John said, his eyes heated. "Do not presume to question the honor of my word, Eleanor Grey."

She stared at him for a moment and then the tears flowed over her eyes, "I'm sorry," She leaned up from where she was crouched in the water to kiss him again. "Forgive me. Please."

"Always, but there will be a price to pay to ensure that you do trust me," He swung her back up into his arms and carried her sloshing through the water to the bank, "I'm going to get you muddy. Tis not the best spot along the bank," he warned. "Do you have an objection?"

"And if I did?" Eleanor asked and in response, he plopped her in the mud. She laughed. "And Jamie thinks I push you around," she said, wryly.

John nuzzled her neck, "He likes to think he is the only man that can get under your skin...but that isn't true, is it, my darling Eleanor?"

"No, it is not," Eleanor look back up at him as her back squished in the mud, "this is highly improper for the dignified Lord John."

"I'm a solider, rolling around in mud and dirt, do not bother me," John said. "But I know how you feel about the outdoors..."

She laughed, "I'm grown far more accustomed to the delights that nature can provide...when you are with your lover."

"Then you do not object, Lady John?"

"No, I do not…. on one condition."

"And what is that?" John asked.

"You give me a bath when we get home..."

John's eyes twinkled, "Did you like it when I did that?"

"Well, I didn't like what came before...but I did like it," Eleanor admitted.

"The truth comes out," John said, wryly and he leaned down to kiss her, passionately.

* * *

"How do you feel?" John said, his arm around her as they sat, leaned up against a tree. "Have you caught your breath yet?"

"Almost," Eleanor said, her eyes widening. "Where did that come from?"

"Clearly we bring the unexpected out of one another..." John said, his mouth twitching in amusement, "You were quite loud about it. It was most fortunate we were not in our home."

"Lord John Grey," Eleanor poked at him, "you are embarrassing me."

"Embarrassing you?" John scoffed, "Surely not. I think I was complimenting you...or perhaps myself."

Eleanor's laughter filled the air as she dropped his head on his shoulder. "I would have never done such a thing in my time."

"Done what?" John asked.

"Swam naked and then made love on the banks. Never in a million years..."

"I see," John twisted a tendril of her hair. "But do you like it, my dear?"

"I do..." she said, softly. "Do you?"

"I do," John said, "There is a time for propriety...and a time for freedom...and I am glad that we can be free with each other."

She nodded, "I am as well. But we should get home to the girls."

"Ah, I'm sure they are well taken care of," John said, patting her head with his hand, and she lifted her head again. He turned her face gently towards him and kissed her softly. "Come, you are right. Our absence will become conspicuous soon. We need to swim back. I'll help you get some of the dirt off your backside." He stood and offered his hand, pulling her up.

"And how will you do that?" Eleanor asked and then yelped as he began swatting it off of her.

"Your face is red," John said, dryly. "I do think you should have worn your hat." He said as he kept swatting her, "If only you weren't so damn stubborn about it."

She giggled and then winced at his endeavors and then giggled more, "But you love me anyway."

"Heaven help me," He grinned at her, "I do indeed."

**A/N2: progress for Eleanor and Lord John? And what do you think of Jamie/Ellie flashbacks?! Continue with them?**


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N**: Ahh, thank you for the so many wonderful, thoughtful reviews! I'm so glad that people are reading & enjoying this story! Sorry for a bit of a long wait between update, but "homeschooling" and working from home has been exhausting! But we continue to be well, so we are grateful despite the parenting struggles. :) Hope everyone is well and staying safe! Would love to know your thoughts on this chapter...after this chapter, we are headed back to Jamie (though he does show up in this chapter) and towards the "gathering" and yes, it's coming to a head with wee Hope's paternity.

**Chapter 34:**

Eleanor shifted Hope, who was desperately trying to latch while screaming. Eleanor groaned as Hope angrily gnawed at her chest, "Mak. Mama. Hope mak." she screamed.

Eleanor winced as her breasts began to ache. She had felt like it was time to start the weaning process, but Hope was insistent on comfort feeding multiple times a day, all whist throwing her table food that Eleanor had tried her on for the past several months. She shifted Hope on her hip as she left the room and went down the stairs to where John was in his study, looking over pieces of parchment.

"Take her," Eleanor grunted, holding out a flailing baby to her 18th century gentleman husband.

John immediately stood, and sideswept his desk to approach his wife and daughter. "Come here Hope, dearest," John said as he took her from her arms, "What's all this fussing about?"

"Hope! Mak Mama!" Hope cried, pounding her fists against John's chest.

"Are you sure you cannot delay the weaning process for longer?" he asked, frowning. "It cannot be good for her to be this distressed."

Eleanor shot him a disgruntled look, "Yes."

"Very well," John juggled his daughter and then went to sit down on the couch with her, "Hope, my dear, you cannot scream at mama and I like this," he said, soothingly. "There are other foods that you can eat."

"Hope mad!" Hope screamed. She bit at his arm.

"I can ascertain that," John said, dryly and then popped her bottom, "You cannot bite me."

Eleanor's mouth dropped opened. "Where did _that_ come from?"

"Possibly her older brother," John said, shooting Eleanor an exasperated look. "I told you that Sam's behavior would have ramifications on the other children. Hope watches so carefully her brothers and sister. That is why she is so expressive at a young age."

"Both verbally and nonverbally," Eleanor grunted. "I can't even." She took a breath, "I need a moment. Do you have her?"

He nodded and she retreated up the stairs, to her room.

* * *

John came and found her a half an hour later out in the garden with Rosie.

Eleanor was sitting, not so ladylike on the ground, leaning against the edge of the stone bench, her large hat tied prettily on her head. Rosie was playing in the dirt, a stick in hand as Eleanor was instructing her with her letters.

Eleanor took the stick from her and made a R. "What letter is that?"

"R," Rosie clapped happily.

"That's right!" Eleanor said, excitedly, "for Rosie!"

John sat down on the bench. "Good job, Rosie."

"Thank you, Papa," Rosie said, sweetly.

Eleanor paused, wondering if she heard Rosie correctly. She looked to John, whose head was titled, contemplatively. Eleanor began to smile, the smile lighting up her face and reaching to those beautiful blue eyes that John adored.

John smiled back at her and then reached down to pat Rosie on the arm. "You are most welcome, my dear."

Eleanor leaned over and kissed her daughter on the head, "I love you so much, Rosie." She smoothed down her curls, "Did you know that?"

"Aye, mama. I ken."

She laughed and then nudged her. "Susanna is walking over there with Hope. Can you go and join her while I talk to Papa for a moment?"

"Aye, mama," Rosie said and then went to kiss her again and then paused. She turned to give John a hug as well. John's arm went around her and held her for a moment.

"Mama is right. We love you very much," John said, his voice low. "Off you go."

She hopped along the path to find Susanna.

Eleanor looked over at John, "Would you mind giving me a hand?"

John looked amused, "Always at your service, Lady John," He rose, bent down and offered her a gallant hand. He helped her balance as she stood. She brushed herself off.

"Your dress is quite dirty," John said, "What am I to do with you?"

Eleanor's look was saucy, "But I wore my hat today, Lord John."

He threw back his head and laughed at her, "Yes, you did that." He led her to sit on the bench. "Next time take a blanket to sit on, won't you?"

She gave an exaggerated sigh, "I suppose if I must."

"Indeed, you must," John said, his mouth still curled in amusement.

Eleanor twisted the ribbon to her hat, "She called you Papa."

John smiled, "Yes, she did."

"That's a really big deal for her," Eleanor said, softly.

"Indeed," he said, quietly. "I am honored."

Eleanor's heart overflowed, "I'm sorry if I snapped at you earlier."

He reached for her hand, squeezing it. "I'm not offended. I can imagine it would be a trying experience for both you and Hope."

"It's just...she's my baby," Eleanor said, "And I don't feel ready...so maybe I got defensive..."

"Then why push yourself?" John asked.

She shrugged, "Because I think it is time. And about Sam...I don't know, John. I think of all they went through...and while I'm so annoyed and frustrated at the moment when they act out, my heart breaks..."

"But we must continue to set those boundaries for them, my darling," John said. "Jamie is right, you want to tie my hands with the children, but he was wrong to think I let you get away with it...well," John gave her a smile, "mostly."

She laughed, "You are very reasonable with me, my dear Lord John." She paused, "How do you think the boys are doing at Fraser's Ridge?"

He squeezed her hand, "I am sure they are having a grand time. Jamie is a good father. You know that as well as I do. You do not need to worry. He'll deal with any trouble fairly."

She nodded.

* * *

"You look exhausted," Claire said as Jamie flopped into bed next to her. "Are the boys finally asleep?"

"Aye," he grunted as he rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling, "Good Lord, I canna believe it, but Eleanor was right."

Claire turned onto her side, "What was Eleanor right about?"

"I could beat that child until he couldna sit and his will would still not bend," Jamie said, wryly. "I dinna think it was possible."

"He doesn't seem at all afraid of you," Claire said.

Jamie snorted, "Ye would think he would have a better sense of self perseveration because I ken there is a canny mind in that heid of his..."

"Oh, very much so," Claire agreed, "All of the wee Fraser children are very bright."

"Aye, tis so, they all take after Ellie," he said, "And she was no too gut at bending her will either."

Claire's eyes twinkled, "Jamie Fraser, I do not think the children got their stubborn behavior from their mother. I happen to know their father has that particular proclivity towards stubbornness."

"Oh, ye dinnae say, do ye?" Jamie reached for her.

"I think I do." Claire laughed, "You do know that Eleanor doesn't have to do what you say just because you say it. And to not want to do your bidding, doesn't make her stubborn."

Jamie mocked scowled, "What foolishness are ye talkin about?"

Claire smacked at him. "Lord John clearly doesn't have an issue getting Eleanor to do anything. Have you ever thought why?"

"Oh, now, ye are just rubbin it in, Sassanach," Jamie said, closing his eyes.

"Perhaps, Ellie responds better to a gentler touch," Claire said.

Jamie snorted again. "As Eleanor would say..._whatever_."

Claire laughed. "Charming."

"I dinna think she says that to John though..." Jamie said, opening an eye, "He is verra intent in making her fit into society. He would scold her for that."

"He wants her to succeed," Claire said. "It's very sweet."

"Aye, tis verra sweet," Jamie said. "But I dinna wish to talk aboot Eleanor and Lord John any longer." He rolled to his side and opened both eyes. He pulled Claire closer into his side and then kissed her soundly.

"Oh, are we done talking now?" Claire said, laughing.

"Aye, ye can say that," Jamie said as he rolled to pull Claire on top of him and ride up the fabric of her shift.

They got wrapped up in each other that they barely heard the trot of little feet across the floor, but managed to cover up before Sam saw anything, his little head peeking around the curtain that separated the spaces in the cabin, the big house still being built.

"Da, what are ye doin to Claire?" Sam asked, his brown hair sticking up in all different directions.

"Givin her a hug," Jamie grunted, "Why are ye out of bed?"

"I need some water," Sam said.

Jamie stifled a groan, "Aye, verra weel. But only a wee sip because I dinna want ye to wet the bed again."

Sam nodded and Jamie rose to guide his son around the curtain to get a glass of water.

"Da?" Sam took a sip.

"What is it?" Jamie asked.

"I miss my mama," Sam said, seriously. "If she was here, Fraser's Ridge would be the best!"

"Aye," Jamie sat down on the bench to the table and then pulled Sam up on his lap, "I think the same, lad."

"Do ye miss mama too?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Verra much. Mama is a verra important part of our family."

"Mama said she missed ye too."

"Oh," Jamie raised an eyebrow, "When did she say that?"

"When it was storming something awful...and then she sung that song to us..."

"Jesus loves me?" Jamie asked.

"No, somethin about raindrops and roses and kittens," Sam said. "She can sing it for ye the next time it is stormin."

"Aye," Jamie chuckled, "I dinna think I have heard that un, but I ken mama is no too fond of storms."

"Aye," Sam nodded, seriously. "I love ye, Da," he leaned to give Jamie a kiss on the cheek. He thought for a moment, "Did ye ever hug mama like ye hug Claire?" he asked, contemplatively.

"Aye," Jamie grunted and then eased him off his lap, "Back to bed, my wee un. I will tell ye all aboot those types of hugs when ye are older."

"What hugs?" Mac asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Ach, Mac, are ye up too now?" Jamie asked, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Aye, I'm thirsty."

"Verra weel," Jamie poured some water, "Here ye are. Not too much."

"Thank ye, Da," Mac said, "What hugs?"

"Da was hugging Claire," Sam said seriously, "Da, do ye think that Lord John hugs Mama like that too?"

Jamie grunted, "I dinnae ken, ye bhobain. Why are ye asking so many questions tonight?"

"Lord John kisses Mama," Mac said, seriously. "Just like ye used to kiss Mama."

Jamie cleared his throat, choking slightly, "Is that so?" He coughed some more.

"Aye, Lord John said its okay to kiss yer wife...that ye should if ye love them...and he said he loves mama. He told me so."

"When was this?" Jamie cleared his throat further.

"River Run." Mac said, "I saw him kissing Mama and he talked to me aboot it."

"Weel," Jamie let out a long breath, taking the glass from Mac and taking his own long sip before handing it back to his son, "That was verra gut of him to do."

"Aye," Mac said seriously, "And he makes mama happy."

"Do ye think?" Jamie asked, lightly, his composure gathered again.

"Aye, she used to cry and now she doesna...weel only when Sam kicks and hits her and Hope and Rosie holler at the same time."

Jamie grunted and gave Sam a severe look.

"I'm sorry!" Sam pouted, "I get so mad."

"We must work on that, aye?" Jamie said. When Sam nodded, Jamie continued, "Now, I dinnae ken aboot yer mama, but I ken that Lord John is one of my closest friends and I trust him to raise ye wee rascals. And speaking of that, this is enough fer the wee hours of the night." Jamie took both the boys' water cups.

"Ah, now I need to go use the privy," Sam wrinkled his nose.

Jamie rolled his eyes, "Aye, I couldna see that comin," he let out a breath as Claire came out around the curtain. She gave Jamie a small smile.

"You take Sam and I'll tuck Mac back into bed," she said.

"Aye, come on, " Jamie put his hand on Sam's head and guided him towards the door.

As he passed Claire, he said, "I dinnae ken how any un can get hugs around here with wee uns afoot."

She smiled and put her arm around Mac, "It will be very good to get the big house built, won't it? With rooms for all the wee Frasers..."

"Even Mama and Hope?" Sam asked.

"Of course," Jamie said, "They are our family too, are they no?"

Mac looked worried for a moment and Claire put her other arm around him, "What is it, sweetie?" she asked.

"Mama is probably sad without us there," Mac said, seriously.

Claire leaned down to kiss him, "Who wouldn't miss you sweet boys?" she asked. "Your mama would want to know that you are having fun. Maybe we can draw mama a picture and write her a letter tomorrow."

"Aye, I'd like that," Mac nodded.

"Da," Sam tugged on his shirt, "I really got to go."

"Alright, come on, ye wee bhobain" Jamie guided him out the door with one last look at Claire who laughed.

* * *

Eleanor bit her lip, pacing the floor of the room she shared with John. She had undressed and put on her nightgown and her dressing robe, even though it was still warm out. She was undeniably nervous and irritated with herself that she was so uneasy about approaching this topic with John. If it was Jamie, it was never an issue between them, maybe the first time, but he was keenly aware being married before the nature of a woman's body. And while John and her had been married over a year, this was the first time the issue came up...undeniably a result of weaning wee Hope.

She took another breath and groaned, frustrated with herself and the situation. And there was no denying she felt miserable, her cycle coming back with a vengeance. On top of a cranky baby who fought her to nurse and Rosie, who missed Jamie and her brothers, and John wanting to entertain tomorrow, she was at her wits end. She went over to the pitcher of water and poured herself a glass.

John came a few minutes later, "Are the girls asleep?" he asked as he began to take off his jacket.

"Yes," She nodded, "So..." she took a breath, steeling her nerves. She was so unsure how to approach this, without being offensive and without embarrassing her refined husband.

John looked over, frowning. "Is something amiss?"

She took a sip of the water she was drinking. "I think I'm going to sleep with Hope tonight. Is that okay with you?"

"Of course," John said, slowly, careful to moderate his tone. He could tell she was unsettled by something, by her stance and the way she slipped into her modern expression. And yet, he couldn't fathom what could be the issue. Since returning from their travels, they had only gotten closer in the two weeks back- physically and emotionally. And yet, for the first time in the over year of marriage, Eleanor wished for her privacy. "Are you well, Ellie?"

"Yes," she struggled, her face flushing, "The weaning process...I'm surprised it was gone so long- with all the others, it wasn't like this...maybe because I'm older...I don't know..." she shrugged, rather hopelessly.

"What are your referring to?" John asked, his brow creased in confusion.

"Nothing," Eleanor said, quickly.

"Are you irritated with me about entertaining tomorrow?"

She shrugged, "I'm not entirely happy about it, but I did agree to it last week, so I can't fault you."

"Are you certain that you are well?" John pressed, unable to hide the frown on his face, "You do not seem like yourself."

"I'll be fine. Sweet dreams, Lord John," she leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. "Goodnight." She went to turn but he reached to grasp her hand, tugging her back around. He dropped her hand to gently touch her face.

They stood there for a few minutes, him gently caressing her face, trying to read her, before realizing his efforts were futile. He said quietly, "Goodnight, my dear."

* * *

"Eleanor," John whispered as he sat on her bed with her. "Are you asleep?" He asked, as he held a flickering candle.

"No, not yet, " Eleanor whispered back, "What's wrong?"

"I feel like a fool," he said, "Will you come back to our room? Please?"

"I really shouldn't," she said, biting her lip. "It's not a big deal."

"If that is true, then come back and let us discuss this...as we should, considering we are husband and wife." He titled his head in the candlelight, "I must insist upon it, Lady John."

She sat up and looked at him for a moment, but then he stood and offered his hand to her, "Come, my dearest. I will not bite nor scold."

"Can you hand me my dressing gown?" she asked.

"Of course," He reached for her dressing gown from the end of the bed and handed it to her. She wrapped it around her and then followed him across the sitting room until their shared room. John shut the door behind him.

He put the candle down on the dressing table. He opened his arms, "Come. I need to hold you."

She went to him immediately, his arms gently encasing her. He kissed her on the side of the head, "Why didn't you just say?"

He was being so characteristically sweet and gentle with her that she felt foolish for not saying what the matter was. "I don't know, John. I was so worried I would embarrass you if I did say."

"That is fair," John chuckled, pulling her more securely against him, his arms strong around her, "I did not have sisters, darling. And as you know, the few times Isobel and I shared our marriage bed was not enough for me to ascertain when times might have been more difficult for her as a woman...and to be frank, I have always been far more comfortable with men. But did you truly feel that my sense of propriety would triumph over my husbandly concern for you?"

"I just didn't know what I should do," she whispered. "For the first time in a long time, I felt uncertain with you."

"Ah, my dear," John hugged her tightly, "I'm so very sorry that you were feeling that way. You know I would never wish that for you."

"I didn't know what you did or did not know about how all this works...and how comfortable you would feel discussing it with me. It isn't so secretive in my time...and Jamie was less proper than you are. My body was truly his- he even kept track of everything better than I did. He actually knew when I was pregnant before I did. But I was so sensitive to the fact that it may not be the case for you so it seemed easier just to...retreat...to spare us an awkward conversation."

He pulled away, "I wish to have that uncomfortable conversation now. " He led her to the settee, his arm still around her. He gently pushed her down. "I promise I won't think you to be completely uncouth."

"Uncouth," Eleanor giggled. "I do love your proper talk, Lord John."

He winked at her and then went over to his nightstand, "A drink, dearest?"

She nodded. "I don't feel great, truth be told."

"You poor dear," John frowned, pouring the drinks. "How long have you felt poorly?"

"Came on this afternoon," Eleanor said.

"Ah," John handed her the tumbler of brandy, "That would explain your reserve at supper. You were unusually subdued. I thought it was because Rosie was up in the middle of the night last night and you were overly weary."

"I am overly weary," Eleanor admitted, sipping her drink, "And yet as I was lying in bed, feeling that things were unsettled between us due to my reserve was keeping me up."

John's smile was tender, "I admit the same. Aren't you warm?"

She couldn't deny that she warm- her hair sticking to the name of her neck. "Completely."

John stood and reached for her box of hair pins and retrieved a ribbon. He gestured to her with his head and she turned away from him. He gathered her hair up, twisting it and tying it with a ribbon before gently kissing the nape of her neck. He reached for her hips and turned her back towards him.

"It's far too hot for your dressing gown. We mustn't be impractical here," He scolded mildly as he grasped the tie of her robe, undoing it and allowing it to slip off of her.

"John," Eleanor swallowed hard.

"Eleanor," He gave her bolstering grin, before standing. He went and retrieved a stool. With a pat of his hand, he said. "Put your feet up."

She put her feet up and John went back to sit next to her. "Now," he said, his drink in one hand as his other arm went around her shoulders, "I have questions." He fiddled with her ribbon her hair, massaging her scalp, trying to comfort her with his touch. "Can you humor your very naïve husband?"

Eleanor smiled and John felt the tension go out of her body, "What kind of questions?"

"How come this hasn't happened before now?"

"I honestly don't know," Eleanor said, "I've been so busy I haven't thought much of anything...but it isn't at all usual for me, but not unusual after one gives birth, especially when they are nursing. I was just always plagued not to get much a reprieve...until Hope. I do think maybe its because I'm older, I'm not sure though..."

"Hum," John took a sip of his brandy and then put it down, "Tell me what I need to know."

"How much do you know?"

"Not much," he admitted. "Go ahead. I promise not to become squeamish."

She began to fill John in on the joys of womanhood, and Lord John characteristic to form, took everything with his normal steadiness of nature. His natural curiosity for life led to some gentle questions, which Eleanor answered, comfortable with the easy rapport between them that John had taken such great care in fostering.

And when they talked their fill, John stood. "I do not wish you to retreat to your bedroom during this time. It isn't something that you should be ashamed of...even if it is you being embarrassed of it, on my behalf," he titled his head, "Which I do think we have discussed at lengths before, Eleanor, my darling wife, you making those assumptions and not giving me the opportunity to be the husband that you so deserve."

Eleanor winced, "I wasn't being fair to you. I know that. I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

He smiled, "You are forgiven."

"But," she stood and then reached out her hand to poke a finger at his chest, "You said you wouldn't scold."

"And I will not. As long as you get your arse in this bed and let me hold you."

She crawled into bed with him and then sighed contentedly as his arms came around her. She wiggled to try to get comfortable.

"What's wrong?" he whispered.

"I would give me right arm for some Tylenol," she said.

"What's that?" John asked.

"A pill you take that relieves pain," she responded. "I think I'm making up for all those months of reprieve."

"My poor Eleanor," he said, "What a trial for you."

"And for you, considering I get cranky around these times."

He chuckled, "I will try to endure your mood the best I can," he said, lightly, in a way she knew he was being sarcastic with her.

"Don't you wish I was a man?" Eleanor said, jokingly and then stilled, realizing the double edged meaning of what she said.

John didn't hesitate, "No, but perhaps you wish to be."

She swallowed hard, "I always said I did during these times." She paused and then whispered, "_John_" It was almost a plea.

"I mean it, Ellie. If you were a man, it would change you...and I don't love you because of anything other than the person you are has completely endeared yourself to me."

She turned into his arms, "I'm a mess. A complete mess...and the children are so much like me...trying and difficult...and..." she buried her head into his chest and sobbed.

"Why are you crying?"

"You said you wouldn't want to change me," she sobbed.

"Well, truth be told, I wish you would wear your hat outside more. You do look charming in it...and...perhaps you could be a little less stubborn at times," John said as Eleanor laughed though her sobs, "Great God in heaven, it's a good thing, my darling. Stop weeping. You are going into hysterics, which will exasperate your condition. I thought we settled this in the river a few weeks ago."

"No, you said that you wouldn't compare..." Eleanor hiccupped. "My heart is just so torn."

"My darling," John sat up, dragging her up with him. "Why has what I said torn your heart?" He pushed her head up. "Come," he wiped her eyes, "What is it?"

"I love you," she said, "but it is extremely easy to love you...and what I said from the beginning...to trust that this...this glorious, crazy, insane mess that is our family...and the mess than is me...you actually want...and...if you do actually want it...if our love continues to grow deeper and stronger...what does that mean? Because I still love Jamie. And there are moments when I look at our children and I want him still..."

"I know you do," John said, quietly, "I do as well. I can't shake it either, truth be told. So take heart in knowing that I am not the one that will _ever_ chastise you for _that_..."

"But I don't think I _want_ to ever stop loving him..." Eleanor said, "because then it wasn't real...but it was real...wasn't it real?"

"It will always be so," John gripped her chin, "Your heart healing doesn't make it less real. And our love doesn't depend on you stopping your affection for Jamie. How can you when you share such a past and four children together? And I meant what I said. I do not wish for you to be any different than who you are..." he reached for her hands and kissed each one. "You are my wife. And I am your husband. And I never thought that I could have such a marriage...but we are living this, Eleanor. And no, I would not wish to change trade you for any other person-woman _or_ man..."

"You always know just what to say to me," She sniffed hard. "I'm sorry I am such a mess tonight."

He gave her a smile, "Think nothing of it, my dear."

She leaned over to kiss him, deeply. They kissed for a few minutes before Ellie drew back. "I should go to sleep. Hope has been waking up again in the wee hours of the night."

"Yes, you should," John said, "But you do know...now that you are not nursing, we could assign a person to do night duty with Hope...or any of the wee Fraser children."

Eleanor paused, "Do you mean I would get a full night's rest? I haven't had that in years."

John's eyes twinkled, "Unless your husband decides to wake you...and then I cannot make any guarantee that I would be soothed by anyone except my wife."

"Nor would I wish you to," Ellie grinned. "But I might smack you if you wake me up for that...and I'm tired."

"It's a risk I am willing to take," John said, "You tend to quite accommodating...if I approach it in the right way."

"Which way is that?" Ellie asked.

He jerked his head to a side and she laid down on the bed. He put his arms around her, her back to him again. He whispered in her ear, "All I have to do is this..." he fingered her neckline and slid his hand in, "And you melt."

She groaned. "Point well taken, but...all things considering...I do not think tonight is the night for such attention."

He rested his hands a few more minutes before sliding it out to smack her hip, "Yes, of course...think about the night nurse."

"Yes," she sighed, "Of course. But if one of them really need me..."

"They will be instructed to wake you..." John said, "But the children need to learn to self soothe without you."

"True," she said, softly. "Goodnight, Lord John."

"Pleasant dreams, Lady John," he replied, his arms still around her.

* * *

"My darlings!" Eleanor flung her arms around her boys, "How I missed you both! It's been so quiet without you stomping about and making mischief."

"Aye," Murtagh rubbed each of the boy's heads, "Jamie said to tell ye they were verra weel behaved."

Eleanor grinned. "I'm so pleased to hear that," she kissed each of their heads before leaning to give Murtagh a hug, "Thank you for bringing them back to me, Murtagh."

"Aye, my pleasure, lassie," Murtagh said, giving her an affectionate kiss on the cheek.

She leaned down to talk to the boys, "Go find Lord John inside. He is going to be so happy to see you...and Hope, Rosie and William too. We have all missed you so much." She gave them one more kiss before shooing them off.

"You will stay with us for a bit, won't you?" Eleanor turned to Murtagh. "You will be safe here."

Murtagh's eyes twinkled, "Have you asked your husband if he is willing to harbor a fugitive, who is a former prisoner of his? Perhaps he dinna want that influence around the young Earl."

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "I'm sure you will corrupt us all. Please? At least for a few days? I have a room ready for you."

"I dinnae wish to impose."

"Are you not Mac's godfather?" Eleanor said, "Are we not still friends? Family even?"

"Lord John and I do not get along, Eleanor," Murtagh said, bluntly.

"Well," Eleanor looped her arm through his, "Then it is a very good thing that Lord John and I do. If I say this is what I wish, he will not refuse me."

Murtagh shook his head, "Who could refuse you anything, Eleanor? Ah, verra weel. But if I am the cause of martial discord tonight..."

"You won't be," Eleanor said, "Lord John and I hardly ever fight."

"Not like the rows ye and the lad had?" Murtagh asked, amused.

She laughed, "Hardly ever."

"Jamie sent a letter to you and one to Lord John...and Bree and Claire, and Fergus and Marsali."

"Wonderful!" Eleanor said, smiling widely. "I cannot wait to read them." She paused, "Were the boys really completely well behaved?"

Murtagh winked at her, "Dinnae fash, Sam gave Jamie a few moments that I think he wants to forget."

"I shouldn't want that," Eleanor let out her breath, "But if he was a perfect angel for Jamie, then Jamie would think it was me being too permissive..."

"Nah, I dinnae think he thinks that...at least not any more."

Eleanor's eyes widened, "What did he do?"

"Come, lassie," Murtagh put his arm around her, "I'll tell you all aboot it."

* * *

"Are you angry at me?" Eleanor asked as she changed her dress for supper, Susanna helping her.

John inclined his head towards Susanna and Eleanor smiled at her, "Thank you. I can finish. Would you mind checking on the children? They are eating supper with us tonight, since it is the boys' first night back."

"Yes, mistress," Susanna curtseyed and left them alone. The door clicked behind her.

"Listen," Eleanor twisted around to try to get her buttons, "He is Mac's godfather and my friend."

"I'm aware," John said, dryly, "All too much," he looked at her for a minute, confounded, "What in God's name are you trying to do?"

"You made me dismiss Susanna!" Eleanor said, blushing. "And this dress has buttons that are hard to get. I wouldn't have chosen this one if I knew that I wouldn't have help! I just want a freaking zipper. Or to wear pants!"

John's eyes twinkled, "Allow me, Lady John."

"No," She said, pointing a finger, "I'm annoyed at you."

"Great God in heaven!" John exclaimed, "Why?"

"Because you are annoyed at me!" Eleanor shot back.

"Do I seem annoyed at you?" John asked, lightly.

"No, but you are very good at hiding your emotions when you wish to," Eleanor said.

John approached her, "Turn around like a good little girl and let me get your buttons."

She scowled at him but did what he wished. "Fine, but I won't have to like it."

He swatted at her arse playfully before fastening her buttons for her. "Now," he whispered in her ear, "I am not angry about it, I was only going to say that if you desired to have Mr. Fitzgibbons stay, you could have talked to be about it before inviting him so I wasn't so blindsided when you mentioned he was staying for a few days."

"He's family."

"I know that," John said, "But considerations have to made since he is a wanted man."

"Jocasta didn't have a problem with him being there... and Auntie is quite proper, would you say?"

"We know the particulars of that association," John said, resting his chin on her shoulder. "And I'd say when it is in regards to your lover, you make exceptions for such things."

"That is true," Eleanor said, "though I have to admit, I didn't see _that_ coming. Jamie's mouth nearly dropped to the ground." She chuckled.

John leaned his head up to kiss the side of her head before straightening, "I think we were all shocked, but regardless," John turned her towards him, and then reached to lift her chin, "You were afraid of what I would say so you decided to circumvent discussing it with me and invite him yourself, knowing I couldn't properly refuse after you did so."

Eleanor looked at John, "You are so damn perceptive all the time."

"Am I right?"

"Yes," she nodded, "We have a saying in my time, it's easier for ask for forgiveness than to beg for permission..." she paused, "not like I should have to ask you for permission..." she paused, uncertain, "I don't, do I?"

He titled his head, "It is _our_ home, but that goes both ways, my dear."

"Jamie always said it was about respect, not obedience."

"And what did you say to that?" John asked.

"I told him to shove it," Eleanor said and John laughed. She continue, "and afterwards I would apologize but say that respect goes both ways."

He kissed her lightly, "I happen to agree with that. But sometimes, you just have to be a big girl, Eleanor, and do what needs to be done even if it is uncomfortable, or even if it leads to you not getting what you want." He kissed again, "That is called being honorable, my love."

His chastisement was so gently given that Eleanor's feeling weren't hurt by it. She knew he was right. She should have run it by him.

"You're right," Eleanor said, putting her hands on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, John."

"Think nothing of it," he said.

* * *

At supper, Mac and Sam kept them entertained with stories of Fraser's Ridge, the adults laughing at their animated retellings.

Midway through Rosie began to pout from her spot next to John.

John leaned over to whisper, "What is wrong, Rose?"

"I wanna go see Da, Papa."

Eleanor paused and glanced at Murtagh, who gave Eleanor a small smile.

"And we shall soon, my dear," John patted her arm, "But do not pout, sweetheart."

"Okay," Rosie winkled her nose.

"That is an Eleanor look," Murtagh laughed and Eleanor wrinkled her own nose, causing both Murtagh and John to laugh.

Eleanor rolled her eyes, but told the boys to continue their story.

* * *

John closed the book as he sat on Mac's bed. "We are so glad you are home," he said, looking across at Eleanor who was holding Sam. "And Sam."

"The girls aren't nearly as fun as you are," William said from his spot on the rug, stretched out on his stomach.

"Aye, did they cry all the time?" Sam asked.

"Not all the time," William said, "but nearly..."

"That is a bit of an exaggeration, William," Eleanor chided. "And you are so good with them when they are fussing." She smiled at him and he returned her smile.

"Sir?" Mac tugged at John's sleeve, "May I ask ye a question?"

"Most certainty," John said. "You look serious, Mac. What is it?"

"Does Rosie call ye Papa now?" His look was so serious that the rest in the room, paused their side conversations to look at them.

"She does," John said, equally serious. "But..." he paused, looking to Ellie, "you should not feel like you must. She is littler than you, so it is only natural that she would take to doing so."

"I want to," Sam started bouncing on the bed, "May I?"

"Of course, you may, if you wish," John said.

Mac frowned and John put his arm around his stepson. "I know I am not your father, Mac. But I am your stepfather and I do love you and your brother and sisters. I doesn't matter to me what you call me as long as you continue to respect me as you have done very well since I have married your mama."

Mac looked to Eleanor who took great care to keep her face neutral.

"What do you think, Mama?" he asked.

"Oh, Mac, my love," Eleanor said, "I think Lord John is right."

"But William is calling you Mama," Mac said.

"Sometimes," Eleanor said, "And I love that he does," she smiled at William, "but I would love him no matter what he calls me. I think that is what Lord John is saying."

"But we are a family," Mac said, seriously.

"Yes, we are," Eleanor said.

"Do you think Da would be upset if I did?"

Eleanor kissed Sam's head, sideswept William, to sit on the other side of Mac on the bed. She put her arm around him.

"James MacKenzie," she kissed his head, "I saw your father's face when he held you for the first time...and let me tell you...the only thing your Da would ever want us for you and Sam and Rosie is for you to be content...and grow up to be honorable and kind people. And if you show Lord John that respect as your stepfather to call him Papa, he would never think less of you...for he is just as fond as Lord John as all of us."

"Then should we call Claire _Mama_?" Sam asked.

Eleanor's heart twisted as she fought for the words. John's hand reached behind Mac to touch her back lightly, his fingers dancing, soothing her, compelling her to do what she must.

"If you want," Eleanor said, willing her voice to remain even. "I'm sure she would be honored."

She met John's eyes and he smiled at her.

"I dinna ken if I want to call Claire Mama," Mac said, honestly, "But I'd like to call Lord John Papa fer now."

"Me too then," Sam said, bouncing again on the bed.

Eleanor leaned over to kiss his head, "Sounds good to me," she said, trying not to show any emotion, but one look at John and he could see how relieved she was.

* * *

Eleanor found Murtagh outside sitting on the steps. She sat down next to him.

"Are the wee uns in bed?"

"Thank God, yes," Eleanor said, bluntly.

Murtagh threw back his head and laughed. "Oh, lassie. They are somethin else, are they no?"

"I love them to pieces, but I hardly ever get a moment's rest."

"I think the lad realizes how full ye have yer hands from his experience with his wee lads."

"He and Claire had the children for a while though and they were fine."

"There were only three of them then...and they were more subdued after what had happened," Murtagh countered. "It seems like Lord John has adapted to his role weel."

"God bless him, he loves the children so much...and he is so damn patient," Eleanor said, "he puts me to shame often."

"Aye and the wee uns seem to accept him as his stepfather," Murtagh said.

"Sam and Mac asked him if they should call him Papa now that Rose does," Eleanor admitted.

Murtagh looked over at her, "What did he say?"

"That it is up to them," Eleanor said, "Then they asked if they should call Claire Mama."

Murtagh let out a long breath, "It rattled ye, did it no?"

She nodded, "More than I care to admit."

He pulled out a bottle, "Jamie sent this for Lord John, but seeing as ye are his wife..."

Eleanor grinned, "Is it any good?"

"Aye," Murtagh said, "I helped the lad with it."

Eleanor titled her head, "Hand it over then. Let's see if I can get it down without choking..."

"Aye," Murtagh laughed, appreciatively, "but only a bit, lassie. Ye canna hold yer liquor."

"Hold on," Eleanor went inside for a moment and got shot glasses. "Here, have one with me," she said, plopping back down on the steps.

"Aye," Murtagh said as she poured them a drink.

She handed a shot glass to Murtagh and then picked up her own. She clinked his glass.

Murtagh watched her as she took a sputtering drink, "Oh God," Eleanor choked, "it's good, but it's so strong."

"Aye, tis that," Murtagh said, eyeing her, "Dinna fash aboot the wee uns, Eleanor, ye are irreplaceable as their mama. Jamie and Claire both ken that weel."

She nodded, "Thank you for that."

"You're welcome," he nodded at her. "You mentioned that ye and Lord John had been traveling. Where did ye go?"

"Up North to Mount Vernon," Eleanor said, "To visit the Washingtons at their plantation. It was a short trip. The governor of Virginia wished for John to ease tension among the landowners over the English taxes."

"And did he succeed?" Murtagh asked with a raised eyebrow.

"He went at the matter very lightly," Eleanor said, "at my request."

"Ah," Murtagh grinned, "Lord John is verra smitten with ye, then, Eleanor?"

"Or more he knows he would never hear the end of it otherwise," Eleanor said, pouring another shot of whisky and handing it to Murtagh and holding her own.

Murtagh laughed, "I'd say."

She laughed, "No, you were right at River Run. John will not give up his loyalty to the crown and he and I will have a lot to work through when that day comes. But in the meantime, I persuade and coax where I can on behalf of the country that will be one day."

"As ye should, lassie," Murtagh raised his glass to her, "Slangevar"

* * *

John came to bed later. Eleanor was sitting on the settee in her nightgown, curled up with a book in her hand, but she wasn't reading, more like staring at the book.

"Is the book not to your liking?" John asked as he began to undress.

"No, it's okay," Eleanor said, her face flushed from the whisky earlier. "I just can't concentrate on it."

"Lost in your thoughts?" John asked, frowning a bit, for when Eleanor slipped into her modern expressions, he knew that she was distressed about something...and he suspected what it was.

"Something like that," Eleanor sighed.

"Oh my dear," John said and went over to where the decanter was sitting on the dresser. He poured Eleanor a drink. "It looks like you need this," he said.

He handed it to her and Eleanor moved to sit up, but John shook his head and gently lifted her legs to sit underneath them, allowing her to drape her legs over him.

"Do you not want one?" Ellie asked, staring into the amber liquid.

"I had one before I came up," John admitted. "As I was reading."

She nodded, but made no move to say anything else, John studying her carefully.

"Was is it, Eleanor?" John finally asked.

"I'm so selfish and a complete hypocrite," Eleanor said, taking a sip.

"You are no such thing," John frowned, "Is this about the children?"

"I want them to call you _Papa_ and I'm so happy they decided to do so," she took a long sip, "Do you want some?" She held out the drink for John. "I really shouldn't drink this all."

"Yes," John said, taking her drink from her to take a sip of his own before handing it back to her. "I'm delighted they have chosen to do so."

"I know, it's great, right?" Eleanor said, taking a large gulp and then another. "Murtagh gave me a wee nip of whisky earlier. Jamie has perfected it. I hardly choked at all, but I do prefer this."

"How much is a wee nip?" John asked, titling his head at her.

"Maybe two shots," Eleanor said.

"Oh dear, let me have that," John took the glass from her, "No more of this. You simply cannot mix your drinks, Ellie."

"Who told you that?" Eleanor frowned, "Jamie?"

"Yes," John said, bluntly, "And common sense. I am not holding your hair tonight while you vomit. Great God in heaven, you also had wine for supper," John swore underneath his breath and gently moved her out of the way to go to pour her a glass of water. He handed it to her, "Drink this whole glass."

'Yes, sir," Eleanor grunted, her nose wrinkling, "You are so bossy at times, Lord John," Ellie drawled.

"I fully admit it," John said, "I was wondering why you are so flushed. Drink, Ellie."

She shook her head, "I'm fine. I'm just hot. I think I am having a hot flash." She transferred the glass to her left hand and began to fan herself with her right hand. "Is it hot in here?"

"Not overly. For as hot as the days are, the nights have been tolerable," John frowned, "What is a hot flash percisely?"

"You know when women get older...it's part of how they change...you know when they can't have children any longer. And I'm getting old. See all this grey?" She showed John her roots of her hair.

"Oh good Lord," John snorted, "You are simply tipsy, my love. _Befuddled_. _Inebriated._ Now, drink the damn water."

"Okay, okay," Eleanor grumbled, but drank the water. "Jamie's whisky is strong."

"Yes," John said, dryly, "I do not think that bottle was meant for you. Murtagh should know better."

"Oh, he does," Eleanor nodded, "I think he likes me to be a little less uptight about life."

"I do not doubt it," John retorted. "Why don't you just tell me what is wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Eleanor shrugged, "I absolutely do not want them to call Claire _Mama,_" Eleanor said, taking another large gulp of water. "The thought of it. It creates such a deep reaction within me...of hurt and anger and bitterness." Another gulp, draining the glass, "There, I drank all your damn water," she handed the glass back to John. "Am I awful?"

John paused, weighing his move. He stood and put the tumbler back on the dresser. "Eleanor."

"_What_?"

"Come, let me hold you," he said, quietly.

Eleanor's heart which was twisted in such a knot of anxiety, suddenly burst. Tears in her eyes, she stood and bridged the gap between them to put herself in his open arms.

"I feel like I am the most awful human being, because I want them to love you like a stepfather, but Claire...they'll love her more, just like Jamie."

"That's simply not possible, darling," John squeezed her tightly, "You are irreplaceable just as Jamie is as their father. And tis not hypocritical at all."

"How do you logic that one out?" Eleanor pulled back to look at him.

"Well," John traced the side of her face with his finger, "we had formed our family, out of _necessity_ and after the dissolvement of your own marriage with Jamie. And the reason it dissolved was because _Claire_ came back and Jamie chose to honor his first marriage...so naturally, you might feel pain at the thought of the children calling her _mama_." He lifted her chin which had dipped down, "However, one day, you will have to bear it...for the words you said about Jamie is just as true for you. You love them and the love you bear for them is enough to bear the burden of another woman being a mother to them."

She bit her lip, "There is another saying in my time..."

"Oh, what is that?" John asked as he leaned down and kissed her.

"Adulting is hard," Eleanor said, forlorn, "_And overrated_."

"_Adulting_?" John laughed. "That's charming." He kissed her again. "It can also be liberating, can it not?"

"If you are a man, I suppose."

"Oh, please," John snorted, "None of that. You are far from oppressed, my darling wife."

"True," Eleanor giggled, "You are quite generous with my troublesome self."

He smirked at her, "Do you know what else _adulting_ is Eleanor?"

"What?" Eleanor asked, still smiling as he grasped her hips and pulled her against him.

"It can also be quite fun, Ellie." His kiss now turned deeper as he held her close to him.

"Hum," she caught her breath as he pulled away, "You don't say."

John pulled away and then offered his hand to her, "Shall we go enjoy the benefits of _adulting_?"

"I will never deny that adulting with you is quite fun, Lord John," Eleanor said, with a wry smile as she put her hand in his. "But if you truly think me to be tipsy, then should you take me to your bed? I mean is that what a gentleman would do? What about honor and all that sort of cr..." she trailed off at his look.

"Trust me," John countered, "that I know you well enough to know you aren't that far gone, Lady John, especially if you have the wits about you to tease me as you do."

She laughed, "But I do think it was a good thing you took the brandy from me."

"Oh most definitely," John said, tugging her down on the bed with him. "Now, I will not deny that you are a little more relaxed but I only think that might work towards our benefit, do you not?"

"I would suppose it would be an interesting theory to test," Eleanor retorted and then squealed as John toppled her on the bed and rolled over to she was on top of him.

"Let's do put it to the test, Lady John," John said.

* * *

"What will you do?" Eleanor asked, as she wrapped her shawl tighter around her, the early morning air cool. "Tryon is not the sort of man to continue to be put off even if Jamie tries. Eventually, Jamie will have to account for what he has done to try to capture you."

"Aye, I ken," Murtagh said, seriously.

"He will not ever stop protecting you," Eleanor said, "nor should he."

"And yet I canna be less than the man that I am, Eleanor," Murtagh said, "I will live...and if necessary...die by my convictions."

Eleanor shook her head, wearily. "You can stay here longer. It has only been a fortnight."

Murtagh smirked, "You are sounding verra much like that proper lady of this time that ye are, lassie."

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Murtagh..."

"Ye dinnae have to fash aboot me, lassie."

"But I do," Eleanor said. "I fash a lot."

Murtagh gave her a tender smile, his gruff demeanor softening considerably as it often did with her, "Mo buidheig, take care of those wee uns."

"You know I will."

"And," Murtagh reached to put a hand on her arm, "if you are with Tryon again, dinnae encourage him even if it is to do so on mine...and the lad's behalf."

Eleanor winced, "Jamie told you of that supper with Tryon, huh?"

"Aye," Murtagh raised an eyebrow, "He was none too pleased in the retelling either. Ye are right, Tryon is not a man that is used to not getting his way, Eleanor. Ye canna trifle with a man like that, especially when he is used to everyone bowing down to him."

"John would never let him try anything with me."

Murtagh titled his head from side to side, "No, I dinnae think he would. Lord John is verra fierce in his protectiveness over ye."

"Wow," Eleanor smiled, "that's the nicest thing you have ever said about an Englishman."

"And ye take care not to repeat it," he tweaked her nose. "I will give the letters to all at Fraser's Ridge." He mounted the horse. "Goodbye Eleanor."

"Take care, Murtagh," Eleanor said, softly. "Stay safe."

But as he rode away, she knew that was going to prove impossible. And her heart tore a bit knowing what was to come.

**A/N**: Up next, The Frasers are back together...


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N:** Thank you again for all the lovely reviews! Hope's reveal is still coming close...but...this chapter got away from me. A little calm before the storm...and after Sunday night's outlander, I needed it. It's going to be a long Droughtlander! This story is based on the tv show, so seeing it helps for inspiration!

I hope you enjoy this chapter and everyone is staying well! I would love to know your thoughts...

**Chapter 35:**

Eleanor's smile was wide as the children raced into their Da's waiting arms. Jamie made a guttural noise as he gave the boys giant bear hugs, before gently scooping Rosie up and holding her.

"How's my _alainn ros_?" Jamie asked his daughter.

"Gut," Rosie giving him a sweet peck on his cheek, her hands on his face, rubbing his prickly beard. Jamie spoke soft words of gaelic to her as she buried her head in his neck, "I missed you so much, Da!"

Eleanor held Hope, who was also burying her head in her neck, becoming very shy, as John's hand was light on his wife's back, gently and smoothly guiding her into the room.

"Ellie," Claire came over to give her a hug, "You look tired," She reached out and rubbed Hope's back, "How's this sweet one?"

"Tired and cranky apparently," Eleanor gave Claire an exasperated look, only a mother would understand and appreciate.

"Was your journey difficult, lass?" Jamie asked, glancing over at them as the boys clung to his legs and Rosie to his neck.

"Not unusually so," Eleanor said, "though of course five children can be trying on such a journey. Poor Lord John had to endure much."

"I think both of us had to endure much," John chuckled and raised his eyebrows at the children.

"Is that so?" Jamie poked at his lads.

"Do not count me in that, Mama," William gave her a side eye, much like her father's. Jamie immediately looked up, his eyes darted from his littlest lads to his eldest son...the one he could not claim. William had grown- he was more of a man than a boy...and the easiness and clear fondness in which he spoke to Eleanor, while surprising him, Jamie could not deny it did his heart good to see. He looked to Eleanor with small smile that he couldn't hide.

Eleanor smiled back at him, at his approval that he could not voice. She could tell he was surprised by William addressing her as Mama, but pleased. A blessing that came out of her marriage with John is they could raise their children as siblings, when they very much were all siblings, even if William could never know that.

"I do apologize, Master William," she said formally as her smile traveled to him, "I would _never_ mean to insult _your lordship_."

John managed to hide his snicker at his wife's sarcastic wit, but retorted, dryly, "Do take care, Lady John. Our son outranks us."

They all had a laugh and Claire guided her into the room. "Come and sit, Ellie. You look like you are about to fall over."

"Bree! Roger! Jem!" Mac and Sam ran to greet their older sister, soon to be brother in law and nephew.

Bree leaned down, balancing Jem to give her brothers a big hug. "We miss you all so much!"

"Aye, Fraser's Ridge is too quiet without ye rascals," Roger said, hugging them as well, and then tossed Sam over his arm.

Eleanor shifted, her back aching, "Hope, I'm going to put you down now."

"No!" Hope grunted.

She shifted her again. "Good Lord, Hope. Come now. It is just Fraser's Ridge. We have been here before. Do you not remember?"

"Darling, we haven't been here since she was a baby," John pointed out. "We were at River Run."

"Oh, you're right. Time does fly, doesn't it?" Eleanor acknowledged, "Still, Hope, you know all the people here, so I'm going to put you down now. You can stay next to me or Papa, but my back is aching."

"NO!" Hope screamed as she shook her head and then reached her arm back for John. "_Papa. Hol me._"

She looked to John, who said calmly, "I'll only take you if you say sorry to mama for yelling at her."

"sorwry, mama," Hope pouted and stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Papa. I wanna you."

"Come to me, my dear," John said, taking her in his arms. "Stop pouting," he told her, his voice firm, but not unkind, "It is most unbecoming of a little lady."

"She is awfully verbal for her age, don't you think?" Bree said, as she went over and rubbed Hope's back, still in John's arms.

"She is that," John said, "we think it is because she is around such liveliness."

"I'm sure. Hi, Hope, do you remember me?" Brianna asked.

Hope nodded, shyly, her thumb in her mouth.

John pointed to Jem. "Look Hope, it's Jem."

"Baby?"

Brianna shifted Jem so he could smile and coo at Hope and John.

"Aye, the Frasers have no a problem with talkin," Jamie said, watching the interaction between the youngest children.

"That's for sure," Eleanor rubbed her sore back and made her way over to Jamie, "Hi Jamie," she smiled at him as she patted Rosie's back. "You missed Da, didn't you, sweetheart?"

"I missed him ever so much."

"I know you did, darling," Ellie said.

"As I missed ye, my wee un," Jamie leaned down to kiss Eleanor on the cheek, "Welcome back to Fraser's Ridge, _my Lady_." He was teasing her.

Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Do not call me that, James."

"My apologizes I would not want to insult _yer ladyship_," he bowed to her slightly.

William snorted from where he was enjoying the cookie Claire had handed him.

Eleanor laughed. "How are you, Jamie?"

"We are well. Thriving as ye can see."

"I can," Eleanor patted Rosie's back again. "It's good to see you. And this house is beautiful. I mean _absolutely stunning._ I cannot believe you built it yourself."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I'm glad it meets yer approval."

"I cannot wait to show you my surgery, Eleanor," Claire said. "Jamie set it up just the way I need it to see patients."

"I'd love to see it."

"And the rooms for the wee ones. I couldna abide not having rooms set aside even if it seemed frivolous at the time. We are still working on building more upstairs."

"Eleanor is right, Jamie. You did a remarkable job," John said, coming forward.

She stepped aside and Jamie stepped forward to greet John, shifting Rosie, his hand extended. John shook it, shifting Hope to do so.

"Da," Sam tugged on Jamie's coat, "May we not go exploring?"

"Da, can we go hunting?" Mac asked.

"Or fishing, Da?" Sam tugged further.

"Boys, give your father some space," Eleanor chided. "We just got here a few minutes ago."

"I had already planned an adventure if ye lads were not too weary," Jamie said. "And if yer mama gives permission. It is verra gut that ye came early so we could have time before Bree and Roger's nuptials."

"Mama, please?!"

"Of course, loves. That is why you are here. To have lots of adventures with your Da...along with your sister's wedding, of course. I would not ever stand in your way." She went over to greet Brianna with a hug and to give Jem a kiss on the top of his head.

"Can Papa come too?" Mac asked. "We cannot leave him out."

Jamie stilled, unable to hide his shock.

A undeniably thick silence filled the room. .

"Jamie," Eleanor whispered and Bree reached out to touch her arm, lightly.

Mac looked hesitant for a moment, looking between his parents and his stepfather. He didn't know if he did something wrong. Mama said Da would not mind.

Claire, seeing Mac's uncertainty and the adults in the room seemingly paralyzed with how to respond, came to stand next to Mac. She put a hand on each shoulder and gave Jamie a pointed look, "I'm sure your Da has planned for Lord John to come, Mac."

Jamie looked at Claire briefly and then turned his head and met Eleanor's eyes. Eleanor chewed on her lip and shrugged her shoulders.

Jamie let out a long breath, "Of course, it wouldn't be a proper adventure without Lord John."

"And William," Sam said, "Right, Da?"

"And William," Jamie nodded. "I had already planned for William."

"And Rosie?" Rosie lifted her head to look at Jamie. "I wanna go too, Da."

"No, my leannan."

"You can come and stay with me," Bree said, giving Jem to Roger and holding out her arms. "I have something to show you that we made for you. We'll have girl time together, won't that be fun?"

Rosie's eyes lit up and Jamie gave her to Brianna.

"Eleanor, lass, may I speak to ye fer a moment?" Jamie asked, casually, ruffling Sam and Mac's hair as he sideswept them.

"I'm sure that can wait, Jamie," Claire said, titling her head, "Eleanor looks very weary."

"Indeed," John retorted. "The children were arguing almost the entire way today."

"Were they now?" Jamie asked, frowning at his children.

"Sam pokes me," Mac whined.

"Rosie cries all the time!" Sam retorted from Roger's side.

"No, I dinnae!" Rosie began to pout.

Jamie frowned at them, "That's enough, my wee uns." His voice was firm and commanding and the children stopped immediately.

Eleanor forced a smile, "They are all certain that they are in the right in every argument. I'm not sure where they could have ever gotten _that_ from..." She couldn't help but poke at Jamie, for she was sure the reason why he wanted to talk to her.

"I'd say their mother is awfully certain she is in the right at all times as well," Jamie said, titled his head, challenging her.

"Not as a rule," Eleanor said, tilting her head back at him, "Well...perhaps between you and I that may be true, but certainty not in general."

Roger looked at Bree, shocked at Eleanor who could so cavalierly take Jamie Fraser to task. She grinned at him.

John couldn't help but laugh, "Eleanor, my dear," he admonished lightly, shaking his head at her. "though she does have a point there, Jamie."

"Aye," Jamie conceded, begrudgingly, "I dinnae deny it."

"Yet," John continued, trying to ease the tension. "I do say, Lady John, you are very strong in your convictions which can be a virtue and a vice. But I dare say I do not think we would want you to be any less so. Wouldn't you agree, Jamie?"

"Aye. No, Lady John," Jamie gave her a small smile, the tension easing, "I dinnae think I would prefer ye to be less so."

"You know," Eleanor let out a breath, "I did want to go say hello to Fergus and Marsali before I rest. Will you show me the way, Jamie?"

"I'd be happy to," Jamie said. "If the others dinnae mind watching the wee uns fer us."

"You all go ahead," Claire said, "We'd be happy to...if you feel sure you are up to it, Eleanor."

She nodded, "I think a little fresh air...and separation from the chaos, might do just as much to rejuvenate me as sleeping."

Claire laughed, "I suspect so."

Claire reached for Sam and Mac, "Come, boys, you can help me outside. William, do you mind helping as well?"

"No, ma'am," William said.

Roger turned to Bree when the room cleared, "I never thought Jamie would allow any un to poke his buttons like Eleanor does."

Bree smiled, "There is a lot of history there," she said.

"Indeed," John said, putting Hope down and shooing her off to play with Rosie. The girls sat down on the floor with their dolls.

"Is it always so tense between the two of them?" Roger asked, frowning.

"Not always," John said.

"Do you think Eleanor will be alright with Da?" Bree frowned, "He looked upset."

"I think Ellie can hold her own with yer Da," Roger said, wryly, while rocking Jemmy.

"Yes, she can," John said, nodding. "Don't worry about Ellie."

* * *

"Ye _do_ look weary, Lady John," Jamie said, quietly as they walked. "Are ye feeling well?"

"I think I am feeling my age these days," Eleanor admitted, twisting the end of her braid.

He gave her a small smile, "Forty is approaching ye, lass."

Eleanor cringed, "Please don't say that."

"Dinnae fash," Jamie laughed, "Nah, ye are still a young un."

"Jamie?" Eleanor stopped suddenly and turned to him, "Can I ask you a question- just between you and I?"

"Is this to take my mind of what I wanted to talk to ye aboot?" Jamie asked, frowning at Eleanor's sudden shift.

"No, but it has been on my mind of late. I mean...I know that is not proper to discuss it with you, but I need a man's perspective and from someone who I trust."

"It's never going to be entirely proper between ye and I, so I think we can put the pretense of being so aside," Jamie said, "What is botherin ye, mo ghraidh?"

"For a man, in this time..." Eleanor swallowed hard, hesitating.

"Go on," Jamie prompted.

"Is it important to have a child...like one that they are biologically the father of?"

Jamie eyed her, "Did Lord John say somethin aboot ye not gettin with child?"

"No," Eleanor said, "But he would never hurt my feelings by saying something about it."

Jamie considered her, "For some men, tis verra important. Fer John's family perhaps..."

"You know John well...I mean you two are close...how do you think he feels about it?"

"I canna say fer certain and I willna speculate, because if I am wrong, tis not fair to John...to put words in his mouth fer him aboot somethin so important. Do ye ken what I mean?" Jamie reached out to touch her arm, soothingly to show her that he wasn't dismissing her. "Have you asked him?"

"No," Eleanor said, blushing, "and when Brianna was having Jem, both her and Auntie seemed surprised we haven't talked about it."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "it seems like somethin that should be discussed." He paused and then patted her arm, "If it was between ye and I, I would want ye to come to me so we could talk aboot it together. But I would caution ye not to assume that John feels one way or another just because he is from this time and not yours..."

"John always warns me about me making assumptions in regards to him...I have a hard time not."

"Aye," Jamie gave her the side eye, "Ye always assume ye ken rightly."

She rolled her eyes. "_Whatever_, James."

"For shame, Lady John," Jamie chided, shaking his head, in mock disbelief, "Dinnae let yer husband hear ye use such language."

She reached out to poke at his arm, "You should be used to it, Jamie Fraser."

He threw back his head, "Aye, I suppose I am...verra used to it." He smacked away her hand, "And no pokin, ye are worse than our wee uns."

Eleanor sobered immediately at the mention of the children, "I suppose we must talk about what happened," she sighed, resigned, "Best get it over with."

Jamie clasped his hands in front of him, "Aye, I suppose we must."

She bit her lip, "I'm sorry I did not warn you about the children. I should have written it in a letter or something. I just didn't know how..."

Jamie sat down on a fallen log and patted the seat next to him, "Did ye encourage it?"

"I swear to you, I did not," Eleanor said, as she sat next to him, "I would not. Rosie started and the boys followed. I mean, they asked and I told them they should do what they felt right, but I would never tell them to do so. They adore John and he is a father figure to them, but he is not their father. You are. They love you...and you are irreplaceable in their eyes. Please don't be angry about it."

"I am not angry aboot it," Jamie said, "just regretful..."

"Of what?" Eleanor asked, softly.

"That I canna see their faces every day. I missed so much with Brianna...and of course with Willie...and I thought with our wee uns...weel, I thought it would be different."

Eleanor nodded, "I wanted that so badly for you, Jamie."

"I ken ye did," Jamie reached out to grip her fingers lightly, "Tis not yer fault."

Eleanor let out a long breath, "You are a much better person than I, James Fraser."

"Why is that?" Jamie asked, looking at her intently.

"I nearly had a conniption when Sam asked if he should call Claire, _mama_. Of course I had to hide it."

"What in Christ's name is a conniption?" Jamie asked.

"It's when you go off the handle about something..." Eleanor paused, "Is that phrase..."

"No, but I ken yer meaning..." he paused.

"Lord John talked me down," Eleanor said.

"Aye, he is gut like that fer ye, lass." Jamie said, "I was never so..."

She paused and then looked him in the eye, "You were always good at that. You still are, Jamie. We argued a lot, but honestly I think we are remembering worse than it actually was...because of how it feels now between us."

"And how is that?"

"_Broken_."

Jamie paused for a moment before responding, "Aye, maybe so."

* * *

"I could spy," Eleanor said, her voice quiet as Roger, Jamie, Murtagh, and John discussed the current events with the ladies and Roger offering their remembrance to this period in history. The children were asleep in the other room. She paused as shocked faces turned towards her, "I mean..._eventually_...being John's wife, puts me in an ideal position...right?"

"Aye," Murtagh nodded slowly, "Ye have already told me some of the dealings with Tryon which have proved useful insight to ken what he is thinkin."

"Have you indeed, Eleanor?" John's voice was low.

Suddenly, things became tense again. It had been teetering all night between Murtagh and John and their different philosophies, but now Eleanor knew it was going to boil over... She looked at Jamie for help when she saw John's back straighten and his jaw twitch, a sure sign she was about to get a swift and hasty rebuke. Jamie's head shook ever so slightly, his own rebuke coming to her quietly. She had crossed a line in that moment.

"I didn't think it to be a big deal," She shifted Hope in her arms. Hope had a difficult time falling asleep at Fraser's Ridge and she had stayed up once her siblings were asleep, finally falling asleep in her mama's arms by the warmth of the fire and the gentle rock of the rocking chair that Jamie had made.

"The lass meant no harm by doing so," Murtagh offered, with the disgruntled look that Jamie was giving him.

"I'm certain she did not," John turned his head, swiftly towards her, "No, Eleanor, you most certainly cannot spy," his voice was harsh. "Whatever would possess you to say such a foolish thing?"

"But John, the colonists have to win...it is history and perhaps, I have to do my part. Being your wife, puts me in the perfect position."

"To go to the gallows for treason?" John narrowed his eyes, "because that is where you would certainly end up and take me with you."

Eleanor looked horrified and Jamie quickly intervened, eager to shield Eleanor from having the time to picture that fate in her mind. "That willna be yer fate, Eleanor, lass, because John is right. Ye canna take such a risk. We have to think of our bairns."

"I am thinking of them...and what it will mean for them to grow up with liberty..."

"And justice for all?" Bree piped up from Roger's side.

"Bree understands."

"I do," Brianna nodded, "When you grow up in America, it is engrained in you...those principals the nation was build on. But I agree with Lord John and Da. Your children are too young-you cannot take that risk, Ellie."

"The children aside," John stood, "I have fought my entire life in the service of the crown, of my King. Do you not believe that I think it is an honorable endeavor? Even if it is a lost cause?"

"But it is_ not_ an honorable endevour," Eleanor retorted, "Taxation without representation in Parliament? To pay for the King's bloody wars? No, there will be a correct side in this war and it will not be yours."

"The lass seems reasonable to me," Murtagh drawled.

"Murtagh," Jamie's admonishment was low. "Regardless of all that, Eleanor canna spy. Tis a foolish notion to even consider and ye ken that weel. We canna risk it. She is the mother of four wee bairns."

"Who will be much older when the war does come," Murtagh countered, "if my calculations are correct."

"She dinnae have the temperament fer it," Jamie said, firmly.

"I disagree," Murtagh said, "The lass has shown a strength that neither of ye seem to want to acknowledge."

"And you only acknowledge it when it serves your cause," John said, bluntly. "Your _treasonous_ cause."

"If the cause is just..." Eleanor shrugged, "Perhaps it is a risk I can take...as Murtagh said, the kids will be older then..."

"You speak of treason!" John's eyes were lit with emotion. "Do you not understand that?" he asked, exasperated.

"It is not treason to me...as I am an American. It is the opposite of treason- it is loyalty to the country I love."

"The country that does not exist," John glared at her. "and until it does, you speak treason!"

"_Stop saying that word!_" Eleanor's temper snapped at him.

John stilled, and when he spoke his voice was low again, "I do apologize, Lady John. What term would you like me to use to describe rebellion against the crown? Perfidy? Treachery? Duplicity? Are those better for your feminine sensibilities?"

"He could be a thesaurus," Bree muttered to Roger and Jamie shot them both a warning look. He frowned intently at John and Eleanor. He had only seen them at odds once before and while he had been in that position plenty of times with Eleanor, he was curious to see how his friend handled his rather spirited ex wife.

"Just because I am a woman..." Eleanor shifted Hope.

"Do not start _that_ with me," John said and Jamie couldn't hide his chuckle, which caused all three women to give him a look that caused him to sober immediately, "It is has nothing with you being a woman...only with being a decent human, Eleanor...and such duplicity is very beneath the character of the woman I thought I married."

Eleanor fell silent and John titled his head at her, challenging her. His temper was getting the best of him...and the always proper, always steady Lord John was comfortable enough with the Fraser clan to confront his wife in that moment.

"You forget," Eleanor let our her breath, trying to calm her temper, "I want you safe as well, John. If it is a losing cause then your life is in danger..."

"Indeed," John's voice became calm, but deceptively so, "Be that as it may, you cannot ask me to be less of a man than I am. Excuse me," he bowed and left the room, the door clicking behind him.

Eleanor shut her eyes. It was very rare that John and her fought...and never so publicly.

"Eleanor," Jamie began as she stood, adjusting Hope who had been sleeping on her chest.

"Do not rub it in, James," Eleanor's voice cracked, tears coming to her eyes.

"Ye canna spy," Jamie said, "Fer one, ye would get caught. Ye are an horrid liar. And ye canna hide yer feelins, try as ye might. This isna some movie that ye have seen...this is yer life," He turned to his godfather, "And ye shouldna have asked Eleanor to divulge her deelings with Tryon. She does not need to feel put in the middle between her loyalty to ye and our family and her loyalty to Lord John."

She shifted, trying to dull the ache in her back. "It's not his fault. He didn't coerce me into giving him the information about our suppers with Tryon."

"Aye, I dinnae do that, but that dinnae change the truth of the matter. One day Ellie will have to be in the middle," Murtagh said, "Ye arena going to stay loyal to the English, lad. And Eleanor will be in the middle especially when it comes to the father of her children fighting on one side and her husband on the other. Clearly, Lord John is not goin to change."

"But that will be a few years from now," Claire offered.

"Aye," Roger said, also seeking to smooth out the tension. "Ye have time to plan for that, Eleanor."

"True," Brianna nodded, "I'm sure we can all help you figure it out...and it isn't like Lord John is going to let the war come between us all. He and Da have often been on opposing sides."

"Aye, that's right," Jamie nodded.

"But still, what will ye do when that day comes?" Murtagh pressed.

"I don't know...maybe I'll just hide under my blanket for five years," Eleanor grunted, exasperated. She moved to Jamie's side. "Can you take Hope, please? Put her in her bed for me."

"Of course," Jamie stood the little one, kissing her red head of curls as he did. He breathed in her scent. He hadn't held the child since she was a wee bairn- Hope was undeniably cool towards him. She loved Claire and Bree, but it was as she sensed she was different from her brothers and sisters.

"Good Lord, I completely screwed this up," Eleanor rubbed her back.

"Aye," Jamie couldn't take his eyes off of Hope, "John is verra much English. I have to be careful how I address certain matters in his presence especially in front of others."

"I know," Eleanor frowned, "He is going to be so angry with me. He is always going on and on to me about discretion."

"But you are American and I find that Americans tend to be more open in their thoughts and feelings," Roger said, smiling at her. "Not as standoffish as the British...no offense to ye, Claire."

Claire laughed, "None taken. I don't disagree. And you are from a time that is even less reserved, Ellie."

"Still, after so many years in this time, I dinnae disagree with Lord John, ye need to acclimate better," Jamie scolded, mildly.

She titled her head, "Coming from the man that never bothered to correct me about my social limitations."

"I wasn't intent on bring ye into society," Jamie retorted, shifting Hope. "John is verra much so in making ye a proper lady."

"Such a hopeless endeavor," Eleanor rolled her eyes.

"Nah, ye play the part weel, lass, these days," Jamie smiled at her.

"Thank you, kindly, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor said, sarcasm dripping from her voice causing the room to chuckle, "Claire, may I borrow your wrap?"

"Of course, you may," Claire said, "You are welcome to it."

"I foolishly packed well for all of the children and horribly for me."

"That's called being a mother," Claire went over to the hook and handed Eleanor her wrap.

"Can we talk later?" Eleanor asked, leaning in to whisper in her ear as she flung the wrap around herself, "I have not had you alone and I need to talk with you about a private matter."

"Of course," Claire nodded. "I'll arrange Jamie to distract the others tomorrow."

"Thank you," Eleanor smiled at her, "Jamie, will you check on the children for me when you put Hope in bed?"

"Aye, lass," Jamie said, rubbing Hope's back, "But dinnae wander far. If John isna on the porch, and ye want to find him, come back in and either Murtagh or I will walk with ye."

"Very well," Eleanor nodded and then went out to look for her husband.

* * *

Eleanor put the lantern down and reached to pet the horse.

"I wish life was simpler," she said, softly. "Jamie said you will have your foal any day. I hope you are ready, because mother to mother, they are not easy." She paused, "And on top of that, Lord John is so put out with me." The horse made a disgruntled snort. "I know, I know. I must be a real screw up for him of all people to be so angry at me."

"I wouldn't say that," John said and Eleanor gasped and jumped.

"Damn it. What the hell, John?" she heaved, her hand moving to her chest. "You scared me half to death!"

"_Language_, Lady John," John chided, mildly.

Eleanor winced, "Sorry."

"No matter," He gave her a small smile, "I'm sorry if I gave you a fright. Whatever are you doing in _here_? Being with the horses are always Jamie's comfort, not yours."

"I needed solitude," Eleanor confessed. "And I am afraid I wasn't quite ready to face the others."

"So you are hiding out in here?" John asked, with a raised eyebrow.

"Something like that," Eleanor said, shrugging, still petting the pregnant mare. "I went to look for you earlier, but you had gone."

"I had gone for a walk."

"I figured that you must be quite angry if you had left in the dark for a walk," Ellie said, staring at the mare, her hand still gently petting it.

"I went to calm my temper," John admitted.

"And did you succeed in your endeavor?" Eleanor asked, tearing her eyes away from the mare to look over her shoulder at her husband.

"I'm not certain to tell you the truth, Eleanor," John said. "Rarely am I shocked by your words or behavior and tonight I find myself shocked...appalled even."

"I see," Eleanor bit her lip. "Is there no chance of you forgetting that your absolutely wretched wife said all those things?" She again look at him, the distress clear on her face. "Please, John?"

"Do not fear, my dear," John rewarded her with a small smile, "No matter how shocking the conversation we had earlier tonight was, I doubt I would _ever_ characterize my wife as _absolutely_ wretched."

"Only a wee bit wretched then?" Eleanor asked, hopefully.

"Not any bit wretched," John chuckled as he came closer to her to pet the horse as well, "Oh, she is a beauty. Is she not? Jamie knows how to choose his horses well."

Eleanor nodded, "She is. I think she was a gift from Auntie."

They stood there for a few minutes admiring the mare before John said, gently, "Much I would like to, my darling, I do not think I can just forget your words, especially when I know they were said in earnest...of what is in your heart."

"Even if that part of my heart appalls you?"

"Even then," He reached out to lightly touch the thick material of Claire's cape. "What is this?"

"Would you believe I forgot my wrap?"

"Yes, I can," John gave her a side eye, "Wrangling the children proved to be quite the endeavor, which is why we need a governess, Eleanor. _Desperately_."

"They are lively, are they not?"

"I can't fathom how we have done it for the past year and a half, especially traveling as we have. I have not pressed the issue mainly because I have strived to maintain peace betwixt you and I because God only knows we have it no where else..."

Eleanor chuckled, "But you have reached your limits?"

"I think I have," John said, "Especially when I see you so weary...and you are not responding to my gentle prodding."

"I am exhausted," Eleanor admitted.

"I know you are, sweetheart, which is why we need a governess."

"Very well," Eleanor let out a long breath, I will consent to a governess...on one condition."

"What's that?" John's voice was light.

"You forgive my thoughtlessness."

"Was it thoughtlessness though?" John asked, taking care to keep the harshness out of his tone. "Truly?"

"Perhaps in regards to you...and your feelings," Eleanor amended. "Of course betraying your country would not be something you could fathom as I cannot think of betraying my own America- even if it is the America of the 21st century. It was unforgivable for me not to think of it from your perspective. And continue to press you when I was clearly out of place. My pride got the best of me and in the process I might have injured you. And I know how you value our privacy and the fact we had that conversation in front of the others, well, I'm sorry. Please forgive me."

He reached out to turn her head towards him, the hood to the cape framing her face. His hand remained on her face, "_Nothing_ is unforgivable betwixt you and I. I hope you know that."

Her heart stirred towards him. They had such a deep understanding and tenderness between them at times. She adored him so much. He was so steady, even more so than Jamie.

"I would _never_ ask you to betray your beliefs for me."

"I'm glad to hear that," John said, his hand patting her face. "As I would _never_ permit you to do something that could result in your death."

She shivered. "I had not thought of that."

"Did you truly not realize that the consequence for treason is death?" John looked at her, in disbelief.

"It is war. Soldiers should be allowed to return home."

"Yes, but the British sentenced to death the highland army after the Rising. Jamie was fortunate."

"I know," Eleanor let out her breath. "It is such a brutal time." She shuddered at the thought.

"Yes, it is."

She nodded. "Are you still angry?"

"A bit," John said, "But..." he looked over at her, "you can attempt to distract me from it. If you wish..."

"Then may I talk to you about something private?"

"Of course, you may."

"I'm afraid it is sensitive in nature."

"Ah," John chuckled and dropped his hand, reaching for hers and kissing it tenderly before holding it between his. "I have learned much in this past year with you, my dear."

"I think changes are happening all around," Eleanor said. "I am getting older and with that..."

"You just turned nine and thirty," John chided. "It is hardly ancient, my dear."

"Yes, I know, but..." Eleanor let out her breath. "I feel myself changing...physically. And if you had hoped for a little one of your own...I do not know it will be possible."

John frowned, "Is that so? You are having your cycle each month since it started again, Ellie."

"Yet, but it was always possible for me to conceive even in that time after Hope's birth...and I haven't. I thought once they returned, it would happen quickly, but a few months have passed. It was always so easy in the past...and I am much older than I was before. Perhaps I am too old...and if I am...I think we should be prepared for that fact...if you want a child of your own blood. You have never told me how you feel about that."

"A child of my own blood?" John marveled at her words. "Do you think I am concerned about that?"

"You are the brother of a Duke...and from a time that it matters to men...to extend their own bloodline, and to have a piece of them left in the world, a legacy."

"Do you think I do not love your children as my own? For I do, Eleanor. They are part yours and part Jamie's, two of the most dear people in this world to me. I love them even more than if they were of my own blood because I see both of you in them...and I love you both.,. Desperately so at times."

"Oh God, John," Eleanor's tears splattered down her face. "You are simply too good of a man for me."

"Sweetheart," John reached to put his arm around her, pulling her into him. "Do not cry." He kissed her head.

"I did not think it would be so hard. I have been blessed. And I do have my hands full."

"_We_ have _our_ hands full," John amended for her.

"Yes, _we_ do."

"Then why does the prospect trouble you so, darling?" John asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

"I don't fully know why," Eleanor admitted. "The thought of never carrying a child again...to know that has passed by...with Hope, it was so many emotions given the situation...I did not treasure it. I treasured her but not the process. And they are growing so fast. I do not wish to grow old," Eleanor sighed, "I'm already getting so grey."

"I am sure you have many happy days ahead of you," John kissed her again, "And you are just as beautiful as the first time I met you in the Highlands."

Eleanor chuckled at the memory, "You are always exceedingly generous, Lord John."

He kissed both her hands, "Perhaps it is for the best. Hope's delivery was so burdensome. We must think of your health, yes? I couldn't bear it if I lost you because I selfishly wanted a child of my own, when we have five children to raise at home. Actually," he paused, "the thought of losing you at all tears at my soul, Eleanor. We must be grateful for the blessings we do have."

She nodded and then flung her arms around John, holding him tightly, and burying her head in his shoulder.

John wrapped his arms around her waist and reached up to stroke her hair which hung lose down her back, the hood of her cape falling off her head.

She breathed in his scent, "I need you. Will you not take me to bed? Or..." her voice trailed off. She visibly reeled herself in. "Perhaps I should not ask for it."

"Do you not wish for some private time betwixt us tonight?" John asked, pulling her away from him so he could look into her eyes, "You usually do when we have a disagreement."

"Yes, but..." Eleanor stopped again.

"Is it because we are at Fraser's Ridge?" John frowned at the thought.

"No, of course not," Eleanor countered, "It has nothing to do with Jamie, but everything to do with _you_..."

"With me?" John asked startled and then inferring her meaning, he pulled away, sharply. "Do you think I would no longer wish to bed you because you cannot continue my bloodline?"

"Well," Eleanor said slowly, "I know...it is a duty to you...all things considered. So perhaps, I should give you an _out_."

"_An out?_" John asked, incredulously.

"Perhaps it was a duty to produce an heir of your own blood...for your family's sake...and now that has potentially passed, there would be no need to continue with it...if you do not find it...to your liking."

"Great God in heaven," John muttered. "You get these ideas in that head of yours and run with them."

Eleanor bit her thumb, "I want to offer it to you...because I love you. And I do not doubt your love for me...that is made abundantly clear. But you can love me and feel affection for me without wanting to be passionate with me...and that's okay, John."

"At least you do not doubt my affection for you," John retorted, "And how is it to you? Our marriage bed?" his voice was low. "Tell me honestly. I will not be offended."

"For me, it's not a duty, anymore," Eleanor said slowly, "It feels right. Like no matter what is going on, being with you...it's like peace in the midst of the chaos. You anchor my soul, John and when I am with you, I feel like I can be strong again. Like we are stronger together. And I do enjoy it."

"I concur that we are stronger together. There is intimacy betwixt you and I that grows stronger when we are physically connected. I did not realize that would be the case when I married you. I haven't done it out of obligation in a while, Eleanor. I could care two hoots whether or not you can conceive my child. And even if did not enjoy it, which I am not saying is the case, the joy it gives you, that would be enough...because your joy brings me immense joy."

Eleanor leaned over to kiss him, slowly, then rest her forehead against his, "Thank you for loving me in spite of who I am. Not only physically, but you know...in other ways. I know I must be so trying for you at times."

"Spying indeed." John gave her an exasperated grunt. "I will address that with you in a moment," he said, his manner becoming stern.

"I thought you had forgotten...that I distracted you fully."

"Not quite fully, though you did give it an admirable attempt," John acknowledged. "You need to be taken to task, Ellie. _Desperately_."

"Hum, I look forward to it," Eleanor inclined her head. She sideswept him to head towards the door and held out her hand. John looked at her, intently, for a moment and then shook his head.

"I do not wish to return the house," he said, quietly. "It is far too crowded."

"Well, I'm not lying down here...there is muck and...stuff." She wrinkled her nose and John grinned at her.

"You wouldn't have to. Do I really have to spell it out for you...a woman who has been married thrice before?"

"No, I can infer your meaning," Eleanor blushed, "but...um..."

"What is the issue here?" John's smile turned into a frown, confused by Ellie's hesitation.

"It just..." Eleanor paused and then said in a rush, "it never works the way it does in the movies...to have a passionate interlude...in such a small space."

His brow furrowed as he said, "I find it unfathomable that Jamie did not try to do so at some point in your marriage."

"I may have persuaded him against such endeavors," She blushed.

"Why would you do that?" he pressed.

"John, I am horribly clumsy at times. You know this. It is so cramped in here and I just don't see it working the way you want it to."

"It will work," John said, looking at her, quizzically. "Forgive me, my dear, I just don't understand. Did you truly put Jamie off in this way?"

Eleanor bit her lip, "Mainly because I thought...well, he probably did do it with Claire this way...and she probably wasn't at all fumbling and clumsy. And it probably actually looked like the movies."

"Oh, my daring," John frowned deeply, "Where is your confidence? Where is your sense of adventure?" John chided.

"This doesn't seem like your style," Eleanor said.

"Well, truth be told, because of who I am, a lot of my liaisons had to be done in secrecy, which a barn surely provides."

"I see," Eleanor blushed and then reached for his hand, "I don't want to embarrass myself."

"You won't," He squeezed hers, reassuringly, and then leaned against her, pinning her back against the wall of the barn, "I can help you navigate." He kissed her deeply, "Surely a woman brave enough to offer herself to spy can do this with her husband."

Eleanor pursed her lips, "Fine, but for Christ's sake, not in Claire's cape."

John chuckled, "I don't think I quite want you in anything."

"What if someone walks in?" Eleanor asked, "This is scandalous."

He chuckled at her, "I'll cover you."

"But you will be naked too, so..."

John raised an eyebrow, "Did I say I would be?"

"No way," Eleanor shook her head, "I'm not going to be completely naked and you dressed..." She gave a bit of a pout, not unlike her daughters. "That's not fair."

"My dear," John took her cape of her, hanging it on the hook. "if you wish to spy, then you can find yourself doing things that you never thought you would be willing to do." He turned her around, kissing her neck as he got her buttons. "Making sacrifices…for the good of the cause...and in some cases," he paused as he pushed down her dress and then began to untie her corset, "to save your own neck." He tossed the corset. He reached to rub his hands up and down her sides. "Perhaps you will find yourself in this very position," he untangled her shift and threw it down, then nipped at her ear, "One that you could not easily talk yourself out of," he smacked her and then turned her around, and then went to raise her chin up, gripping it with her hand, "What would you do, Eleanor? What could you do to extradite yourself from the situation?"

"John," Eleanor breathed.

"There is one way a woman can get information from a man," John said, "even in polite society. And if you feign enough interest, they may feel like your interest lies in other regards too," he turned her back around, "And to deny them, would be to give away your hand. Are you ready for that?"

He bent to kiss down her spine, "You are a very sensitive soul, Eleanor. And your husbands, even Mr. Fitzgibbons have been very accommodating with you...sensitive to your thoughts and feelings and patient with understanding that sex for you is more than just...well, sex. But not all men are so honorable...or considerate of your feelings...and even if you cried for them to stop, they would not oblige you..." he swatted at her again and then kissed up her spine.

"John," she gripped the stall rails, "I understand your point."

"I'm not sure you do quite yet," John said, returning to her neck. "I told you we would address the matter fully and address we will."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Very well. I spoke rather impulsively..it was just an idea..."

"Then let's further examine the merits of your idea," he kissed her neck again, "there is the great possibility of getting caught as you are not very good at being stealth" he paused, "you wear your heart on your sleeve and that openness of mind and feelings, as I have said before, it is part of what I adore about you...but in the art of spying it would be to your detriment." He paused again, and then continued, determinedly, "you have seen a man die before by hanging...the look of panic as we put the hood around him, knowing that in a few minutes he would be dead...choking and not being able to breathe, hoping that your neck would make a clean break and the pain would be short lived," he kissed all around her neck and Eleanor wiggled, "Tell me, Lady John, is that a fate you wish upon yourself?"

And while Jamie was quick to protect her earlier from visualizing such a fate, John was painting the picture for her, in great depth all while paying great attention to spots upon her neck, his breath warm against her. He was bloody good at getting his point across when necessary.

"Enough," she said, her voice a strangled sob, "I understand your point."

"So, we will hear no more of this notion of spying, shall we, Lady John?" John said sternly, giving her another hefty swat.

"Good Lord," Eleanor grunted, "You certainly know how to lay into a person..."

"It's because," he whispered in her ear, "I love you. And what I said earlier is true- the thought of losing you, Eleanor... This world needs you in it...my world needs you in it."

He turned her around again, this time whispering instructions in her ear of how to make the most of the cramped quarters they were in, shoved against each other in the corner of the small barn, his manner gentle, a stark contrast to earlier.

"Do you feel steady enough?" he inquired, his voice tender. "You look uncertain."

"Um..." Eleanor bit her lip, "I don't know if it was your lecture or all of this, but I feel completely off balanced."

He adjusted her so she was more secure against him, "Just hold onto me, I won't let you fall. I promise." He paused, "Do you trust me not to?"

She nodded, "Do you trust me?" she asked as she leaned down to kiss the scar on his chest.

"I do trust you, but I need you...you must..." His hand reached to push up her chin again, "Promise me, Ellie. Regardless of the divide that we might face during this coming storm, we will be united together. And we will never use each other to further the advances of our cause. I must have your word upon it."

She looked into his eyes and her expression was so full of trust and devotion, causing John's heart to melt. "You have my word, Lord John."

"And you have mine as well," John said, leaning down to kiss her, "I love you, Eleanor. I love you very much indeed."

"I love you too, John."

* * *

John threw a nearby blanket to Eleanor as she hid behind his form.

Jamie gave them a look, the tips of his ears red, "I was just checkin on the mare."

"For Christ sake," Eleanor heaved, wrapping the blanket around her, which smelled strongly of horse. "Now I'm going to need a bath."

"I dinnae think the blanket is the only reason ye could benefit from a bath," Jamie said, wryly.

"James Fraser!" Eleanor admonished.

John cleared his throat. "The mare seems to be doing well. Wouldn't you say, Ellie?"

"Quite so," Eleanor nearly choked as she hid her face in John's shoulder. She was trying to regulate her breathing, but it was clear that John's attention left her breathless.

"Aye," Jamie grumbled, "She seems weel enough." He turned, "Perhaps, I can come back in a few minutes."

"_Now you think of that?_" Eleanor asked, coughing.

"Dinnae fash, lassie, ye were verra weel covered. And what I heard...weel, that isna new to me either..."

"God help me, isn't that the truth?" Eleanor cringed. "Christ, just turn around," she grunted, "I'll put my shift on and Claire's wrap."

"I dinnae ken what possessed ye two," Jamie turned on his heels so his back was to them. "The bairns could walk in."

John reached to quickly help Eleanor with her shift and the cape. "No more than they could if we were in our room."

"Why would they venture to the barn at this time of night?" Eleanor asked.

"I dinnae ken," Jamie muttered, "Maybe to find their mother."

"I'm decent," she said, her face flushed and Jamie turned around, "And you are the last person that should scold me for this."

Jamie looked stormy for a moment, then resigned, "Aye. I canna say Claire and I aren't prone to it from time to time especially with the bairns underfoot."

Eleanor's look of triumph was short lived when Mac came in, with the lantern. "I have to use the privy, Da. And I couldna find any un. And I scared to go in there without any un to hold the lantern for me."

Jamie took the lantern from his son, "This is too heavy for ye, laddie. But aye, Claire is down with Bree and Roger. THe bairn must be teething and Bree and Roger are up most of the night. Claire is giving them a reprieve." He titled his head at Eleanor, "See what I mean, lassie? They'll find ye, no matter."

"Your point is well received, Jamie," John stepped forward, "I'll take you to the privy, Mac."

"Thank ye, Papa."

John put his arm around his stepson, "You are most welcome. Eleanor, I'll see you back at the house in a minute."

Eleanor frowned, "Are you leaving me here?"

John looked amused, "I do not think Jamie will bite, Eleanor."

"Nah," Jamie gave her a grin, "my biting days are over, mo ghraidh."

Eleanor flushed crimson, "Jamie Fraser."

"Ye bit Mama, Da?" Mac asked, brow furrowed in confusion, "like Sam does?"

"Must be where he gets it from," John said, dryly, "Never you mind, James Mackenzie. Your Da is teasing your mama something awful tonight."

Eleanor forced a smile, "Papa is right. Da is teasing me. I just have to gather my things."

"Yes, of course. Jamie, can you ensue that Eleanor makes it back to the house safely?"

"Aye, of course, I can," Jamie said.

"Very good," John nodded. "Come along, Mac."

John left with Mac, leaving a very tense Jamie and Eleanor in the barn. Jamie bent down and handed Eleanor her dress, "I have to say given yer objections in the past, I'd say ye are the last person I expected to find here."

Eleanor flushed further, "Perhaps I have grown as a person..." she said, snatching the dress from Jamie and then scooping up her corset to hug both of the garments against her.

"Or perhaps I am not as well suited for you as Lord John," Jaime said to her, his voice low.

"Good Lord," Eleanor heaved, "I will not have this conversation with you..."

"_It's my barn_."

"Did you truly not think we would have passion between us?" Eleanor asked, bluntly. "We are married...and I know that you and Claire certainty have your fill of passion..."

Jamie blushed then, "I dinnae want to ever think on ye and John. But no, truth be told, I didn't suspect ye would find so much satisfaction with each other...given...weel, ye ken my meaning."

"Yes, I ken it verra well," Eleanor drawled, "I know I might not be as enticing as your wife...but I find it hard to believe that you do not think me capable of attracting a man."

"Considering his preferences, I dinnae think it is that unreasonable of me to think on it..." Jamie frowned, "And that has nothin to do with ye. We have three bairns between us. Clearly, I think ye capable of holding the interest of a man...that was interested in such things...ach, blast it, Ellie. Ye are tryin to pin me in to admitting something aboot ye that isna true."

She shrugged.

"Why?" Jamie growled, now his anger snapping. He couldn't unseen what he had seen...and heard...and it did get under his skin, especially knowing that she trusted John in more ways than she had trusted him in their marriage...in spite of everything he had done to reassure her the years that they were wed.

He put his hands on her shoulders, "Stop shrugging. Ye say things are broken between us...but fer the sake of our bairns and the peace of our family, we have to try to mend it, Eleanor."

Eleanor leaned back against the rail, trying to gather her emotions and get away from him.

"Why are ye angry, lass?" Jamie pressed.

"_I don't know._"

"Aye, ye do," Jamie countered, his eyes intent on her. "Why?"

"For a lot of reasons!" Eleanor snapped.

"Such as?" Jamie growled.

She almost said it, the word _Hope_ on the tip of her tongue and yet again...she couldn't force the words out. She let out a long breath and then her shoulders slumped, defeated. Anger gave way to the conflicting emotions that was tearing at her heart these past few months.

Jamie immediately relaxed his stance at her distress, "What is it, mo ghraidh?" he pressed.

"I do love being John's wife, Jamie. And we have found something special...But if you think...that I am not conflicted..." Tears sprang to Eleanor's eyes. "If you think that my heart doesn't just tear a little bit more to see what a happy home you and Claire have built...the family you have recaptured...the family _we_ were supposed to be having together..." The tears flowed over, "that I don't notice the closeness and easiness that you and Claire have...the looks you exchange, and that I don't think it is still hard for me to see...well," she wiped her tears, "now you know how I feel...and it doesn't feel good, _does it_?"

Jamie stiffened, "Be that as it may, I shouldna have to walk into ye in the arms of another man...and ye expect me...just to be..." he paused, "fine with it. How would ye feel if ye saw Claire and I?"

"Look, I'm sorry," Eleanor bit her lip, knowing Jamie had a point, "But John and I having sex in this barn had nothing to do with you, James Fraser...but it had everything to do that we had a monumental fight earlier this evening in front of the whole family...and we needed time alone...to sort it out..."

Jamie snorted, "It sounded like ye sorted it out just fine."

"Well, I don't know...he was awfully put out with me...I got a terrible scolding beforehand," Eleanor said, blushing, "You would have just beat me and been done with it."

"That's unfair and ye ken that."

Eleanor turned on her heels, "This whole thing is unfair, Jamie." She leaned against the railing to the empty stall.

"Ach," Jamie grunted and then came to stand next to her. He reached out a tentative hand and then touched her arm gently to get her attention, "I am sorry, lass. Ye and John caught me by surprise. And I dinnae think seeing ye and him together...in this way, would tear my guts out like it did...because like ye with John, I am happy with Claire."

She swallowed hard, "I think it's hard because we still have a family together...and we never wanted to be apart. It feels wrong still. And we made promises to each other that were heartfelt at the time...and we aren't able to keep those vows...when maybe parts of us still feel true to those vows... And frankly, it's hard not to be bitter at times...at the _what ifs_."

"Are ye bitter, lass?" Jamie asked. "Towards me?"

Eleanor let out a long breath, "I wish I could say no."

Jamie put his hand over hers, "Sam said ye missed me."

Eleanor turned her head to give him a small smile, "Always, James. As I said, I have a lot of conflicting emotions."

He patted her hand, rubbing his hand against hers. "I miss ye too, mo ghraidh. Dinna think that ye are an easy woman to forget aboot."

"You are where you belong," Eleanor said, "Claire is your soulmate. You two were made for each other...I'm just the mother of some of your children." She slid her hand out from Jamie's, "Goodnight, Jamie."

She turned to walk towards the door when Jamie's voice stopped her. "Ye were always much more to me than just the mother of my children, mo ghraidh. Ye still are."

She closed her eyes tightly, before opening them again and leaving Jamie in the barn.


	36. Chapter 36

**A/N**: Thank you again for the lovely reviews and feedback. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share your thoughts. I hope all of you are staying healthy! Things are pretty busy here as we are gearing up for a move next month, but writing is a pretty good escape from reality. :)

As promised...everything comes out in this chapter...at least partially :) Let me know what you think!

**Chapter 36**:

It had poured for days on end in the days prior to Bree and Roger's nuptials, so much so that it seemed improbable that anyone would be able to gather for the wedding. Though the trek to Fraser's Ridge was still passable, the river was rapid and high. Jamie had given the kids stern warnings to stay away from the water. But the day before the wedding, the clouds had cleared and the ground began to dry out even though the water was still rushing. In spite of it, people gathered from near and far and pitched their tents for Brianna's big day. John and Eleanor had moved out from the big house and set up their own tent amongst the crowd, but the children stayed in the Big House...all but Hope, who remained with Eleanor and John.

The day of Brianna's wedding was bright and sunny. Eleanor had left Hope with John and took Rosie's hand to help her get ready, in Claire and Jamie's room, under Jamie's watchful eye, while Claire helped Bree.

Eleanor fixed the wreath on Rosie's head. They had managed to gather and dry out some leaves and flowers to fashion the wreath for Rosie to wear. After three attempts to make it look like something wearable, Eleanor had hopelessly gone to Marsali with a pile of leaves and flowers. Marsali and her had worked over the wreath, chatting and giggling together, while the children ran around them, much to Fergus's amusement. She had to admit that it was a delightful afternoon with another mother, even if Marsali was much younger than her, it fed her soul to be around her- lamenting and laughing over the sorrows and joys of motherhood...and the wild antics of their Fraser brood.

"There you are, my love. You look darling." She straightened and smiled, lovingly, at her daughter. "What do you think, Da? Will this do?"

"Aye," Jamie smiled and went over to where Rosie and Eleanor were standing, "Let's have a look at ye, mo leannan." He bent down on one knee, inspecting her. He smoothed down her mop of curls, brushing the stray pieces out of her face and straightened her sash.

"Ye are verra bonny, mo leannan, just like yer mama," He patted her face.

"But I look nothin like mama, Da" Rosie said, seriously.

"Ah, now that isna true," Jamie said, seriously, "Ye have yer mama's bonny smile...and, even better ye have her sweet soul inside ye which makes ye even more bonny to every un around ye."

Rosie practically beamed under Jamie's praise. "Mama looks verra pretty," Rosie said. "I like her hat."

"Aye, yer mama kens how to wear a hat these days," He said, wryly, giving Ellie a pointed look, causing her to giggle which in turn caused Rosie and Jamie both to laugh.

Eleanor's pale blue dress was strikingly similar to her eyes, bringing the blue out, and complimenting her dark hair. The hat John firmly put in her hands today did complete her outfit perfectly. She looked very much the lady of society she was, smartly dressed to match her husband's own exceptional taste in fashion. John had promised her when they wed that he would guide her to succeeding in this time and he had done so, without breaking the traits that make Eleanor the woman that has endeared herself to all of them.

Jamie looked at her for a few more seconds, before he turned his attention back to his daughter, "Aye, ye will do verra weel indeed," He gave her a kiss, "My most wee lass. Yer growin too fast." He glanced at Ellie again.

Eleanor forced a smile to try to hide the stab of pain she always felt when she saw Jamie with her children, especially Rosie. While his words were so sweet and heartfelt, they were not exactly true. For there was another little girl, with the same mop of curls and the same tilt of her chin as her older sister Brianna, sitting on the lap of her step-father, unable to be claimed by the same man who so readily and beautifully fathers her siblings. Her heart nearly broke again. John had been proved to be the most wonderful husband and father, but Hope was a Fraser, through and through.

"Now ye'll walk in front of me and Brianna, just like we practiced. And when ye see Lord John with Hope, ye'll sit next to them. Mac is goin to be with Roger, holding the ring and Sam is with yer brother Fergus. It wasna worth the tantrum to separate him and Germain. Even with their age difference, the lads are thick of thieves together."

He turned and gave a look to Eleanor, who shrugged. Jamie straightened.

"Did you find everything for Brianna?" she attempted to change the subject away from the antics of their youngest son.

"Not something blue. I tried to look for the flowers, but the blue uns were ruined by the rain. I had to settle for other uns.

She paused and then reached to take off her ring, "Brianna should wear this. It can double as something extra borrowed and something also blue."

Jamie smiled, "Aye, but ye should go give it to her, mo ghraidh. She would like that."

"I do not wish to interrupt her time with Claire."

Jamie inclined his head, "Go on. Dinnae be shy, lass. We are yer family."

"A very complicated family," Eleanor countered.

"Aye," Jamie said evenly, "But family all the same. Brianna will be honored to wear yer ring, Ellie. Especially when she kens it means so much to ye."

"Okay," Eleanor said. "What about Rosie?"

"I will stay with Rosie," he scooped her up. "One day this will be ye, my wee un. But not fer a verra long time. I canna bear to think upon losin all my wee lasses."

"I agree with your Da. Not for a very long time, Rosie-girl," She looked at Jamie, "I can't bear thinking of our wee ones grown either," she admitted and then paused suddenly, frozen in spot. Her heart was flooded with a memory of another little boy and girl...one who were growing up quite quickly, in another place and another time...and one that she would never be able to see wed.

Jamie reached out to lightly touch her fingers, "Harry and Charlotte are in gut hands." He knew what she was thinking even without her having to say it.

"They must be so grown now," She bit her lip, "I'll never see them on their wedding days."

"I ken," Jamie met her eyes, "But the will ken how much their mama loves them and they will carry it with them on that day."

"Thank you, Jamie," Eleanor gave Jamie a gentle smile as tears filled both their eyes. She leaned over to kiss both him and Rosie on the cheek, her ring still in her hand.

Stepping across the hall, she went to find Claire and Brianna.

"I do not mean to interrupt," Eleanor said, softly, "Oh, Bree. You are stunning."

"Thank you," Bree smiled.

"And of course, you are not interrupting, Ellie," Claire said. "I was just putting the finishing touches on Bree's dress."

"It's a good thing you can sew," Ellie said, "I would be completely lost."

Bree laughed, "Didn't teach you that at William and Mary?"

Eleanor giggled, "Not at all. I did however, take a class that might help you tonight...if you so need it."

"Lady John," Bree admonished, pretending to be shocked, "Da would have a conniption to hear you talk."

She pursed her lips, "I do not think I did tell your father that one...I used to tell him things just to shock him. His ears used to get red at the tips..."

Claire even had to laugh at that revelation.

"Goodness," Brianna chuckled more, putting her hand on her stomach. "How is Da doing?" Bree asked.

"Doing well," Eleanor said, "Tearing up already. He is such a softie at times."

Bree laughed. "We all are going to be hopeless before long."

"Very true," Eleanor said. "I have something I wanted to give you and Jamie said I should go on. Something blue. And borrowed, I do want it back...it might be my most treasured possession."

Bree smiled when Eleanor handed her the ring. "The sapphire in the ring was given to Lord John by your Da at Ardsmuir. John kept it, but eventually turned it in to a ring for me. It is treasured by both John and myself and we would be honored if you would wear it as you wed Roger...as a symbol of our friendship...well, our kinship."

"Eleanor," Claire put her arm around her, "That is so thoughtful."

"I appreciate you, Brianna...accepting my children as your siblings...and John and I as your family, " Eleanor said, tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. I am always horribly emotional."

Bree came to give Eleanor a hug. "Thank you. I'd be honored to wear your ring." she pulled away, wiping her own tears and then put on the ring. "But I do not have anything else..."

As if on cue, Jamie stood at the door, a tray in his hand, Rosie at his heels, "ye dinna think yer Da would let ye get marrit unprepared?"

Eleanor smiled and then took Rosie by the hand, letting Jamie and Claire and Bree have their moment, together.

Claire came out after a few minutes, "Jamie wants time with Bree."

She nodded. "I should find John."

"Of course," Claire held her hand, "Hold my hand, Rosie. We'll wait for your Da and sister."

Rosie happily took Claire's hand as Eleanor slipped out.

She walked down the steps of the Ridge to where the others were seated. John stood as she approached, Hope in his arms.

"Everything is well," Eleanor said, smiling. She turned to where Governor Tryon was standing behind her, ready to greet her.

"Lady John," he bowed. "You are looking well this fine day."

"Your excellency," Eleanor curtsied, exchanging a look with Roger, who was talking to Fergus. "I thank you for the compliment. What a pleasure to see you again," Eleanor forced a warm smile, "I was unaware that you were attending."

"Yes, it was a last minute choice. I have business with Colonel Fraser."

"Do you?" Eleanor said, her eyes on him, "I do hope it is nothing too unseemly for such a joyous occasion," she said, taking care to keep her voice light, but strong.

John's hand came out to rest lightly on Eleanor's arm, "I am sure his excellency will not to anything to damper the festivities, my darling."

Eleanor looked to Governor Tyron expectedly and Roger and Fergus seeing Eleanor's look she gave to the Governor of North Carolina took great care not to look at each other for fear they would burst out in laughter.

"I should say not," Tryon laughed, "Or your wife will clearly hold my feet to the fire. I forgot how much I missed your spunk and opinions, Lady John."

"You are too kind," Eleanor said, "I think...forgive me, but that was a compliment was it not, your excellency?"

Governor Tryon laughed harder, "I wouldn't dare for it not to be. John, you must be endlessly diverted with her antics. It would never do for you to have a dull wife, would it?"

"Indeed no," John said. "But there is a good reason for such impertinence, your excellency. If you will remember, Eleanor was married to Col Fraser. He is the father of her children."

"Ah, yes, that is right. I forgot that connection. Dear little ones, are they not?"

"The dearest," John said, forcing a smile.

"Speaking of those dear ones," Eleanor said, "I should check on Mac. And make sure he hasn't lost Brianna's ring. If you would excuse me..."

"Of course," Governor Tryon responded.

She curtsied as she made her leave to go to where Roger and Mac were talking to Fergus.

"What?" she asked, innocently as Roger and Fergus struggled to hide their smirks.

Fergus leaned down to kiss her cheek in greeting, "Be careful, mi lady. Jamie will not wish you to cross Tryon on his behalf."

"And yer husband will surely have somethin to say of it," Roger added as he reached to clasp Eleanor's hand, greeting her. "How is Bree?"

"Bree is beautiful...it is almost time," she leaned down, "Mac, you have the ring, right?"

"Aye," Mac nodded seriously, looking up at Roger, quite in awe of his almost brother.

Roger put a hand on his head, "Ye'll do well, laddie," he said, smiling at him.

"Is Sam behaving?" Eleanor asked Fergus. "Jamie is concerned."

"He'll be fine," Fergus said, "And if he is not, then Germain will be right in the trouble with him."

Eleanor grinned, "Oh God," she said, and then leaned, "Maybe Sam should see his former stepfather during the ceremony."

"That isna necessary," Roger said, "Nothin can ruin this day, Eleanor. Dinnae worry on our account. Brianna wouldna have it any other way but to have her brothers here. Ye must know that."

"I know that," Eleanor said, "I'm more worried about the daggers Jamie will shoot me during the ceremony if Sam misbehaves and takes Germain along for the ride."

Roger laughed heartedly, "If Jamie is shootin any daggers, Eleanor, it willna be at ye. He wasna pleased that we dinna have a Catholic priest for the ceremony..."

"Jamie is very set in his ways," Eleanor said, "And he is going to come around to everything. I know him. Give him time. And give yourself time. And just focus on Bree and not all this family drama."

"Wise words, Lady John," Roger bowed at her and Fergus smiled. Eleanor reached for Marsali's hand, squeezing it as she went past to sit back with Lord John.

John reached out and put a hand on her knee. He leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Darling, you must try harder to not be so..." he paused, "opinionated."

Eleanor laughed, "Look around. You are surrounded by opinionated women-Claire, Bree, Marsali, Auntie Jocasta. Do not ask me to play nice to Tryon when he is trying to..." she paused. "I can't."

John looked at her worried.

"Oh, I'll behave, I promise," Eleanor said, exasperated.

"Not too much, I hope," John said, dryly, "As his excellency said, it would never do for me to have a dull wife."

Eleanor giggled and John put his arm around her.

"You do look lovely today, Lady John. You have a nice flush to your face that compliments your dress."

"Thank you, you are looking quite dapper yourself, Lord John," Eleanor said. "As always."

"How is our Rosie?" John asked.

"Looking quite beautiful."

"Hope throw flowers," Hope said, pouting.

Eleanor looked to John, who shushed Hope.

"Another time, darling," he told her. "And you look quite pretty yourself today. I love this dress. I think maybe even more than Rosie's. Your Mama has exceptional taste."

Hope grinned and spread out her dress, smoothing it over her knees.

"Good thing Papa knows how to compliment a lady," Eleanor said into John's ear.

"Indeed," John said, giving her a small smile. "Now, hush, here comes Claire."

The ceremony was beautiful. Rosie did a wonderful job with her petal tossing and went to sit beside her stepbrother, William. Mac didn't lose the ring and Eleanor though for a moment everything would go out with a hitch. While Bree and Roger said their vows, John reached for her hand, kissing it. She smiled at him, holding his eyes for a moment before out of the corner of her eye she saw Fergus lean to quiet the boys as Sam began to argue with Germain, who was playing in the dirt. Apparently, he had found a worm that Sam was also interested in. Eleanor looked to Jamie, who was indeed shooting her daggers. He gave Bree and Roger an apologetic look before he rose, took Sam by the collar and dragged him to sit on his lap, with a firm shake and a look that would send the fear of God into any little boy.

"Sorry, Bree" Sam grumbled from his perch on his Da's lap. "But it was an awfully good worm."

Bree and Roger both burst out laughing as Eleanor covered her flushed face with her hand both mortified and amused. John reached to slide his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him.

"You said life would always be interesting when we wed," he whispered. "Sam is just proving that to be so."

"Indeed," Eleanor said. "_For as long as we both shall live_."

* * *

Roger looked to Ellie, "Did Germain just say what I think he did?"

Eleanor frowned and turned to Sam who was by her side, "Does Da say that?"

"Aye," Sam nodded. "I dinna ken why Presbyterians have hair ticks, but they do."

She exchanged a look at Roger and then Bree, who had come up to them. "What is it?" she asked.

"Your da apparently thinks all Presbyterians are heretics and are telling the wee uns that," Roger said.

"He does," Bree said, smiling. "But not around Ellie's presence. He wouldn't dare."

Eleanor put her hand on Germain's shoulder, "Grandperre is mistaken. Roger doesn't have hair ticks, darling. Neither do I for that matter."

Bree laughed and Eleanor said, "Excuse me."

Eleanor turned around and Bree reached for Sam when he started to follow. She bent down, "Mama needs a few minutes with Da herself. You stay here with us and Germain."

"Okay, Bree," Sam said.

Bree straightened and Roger chuckled, "Jamie Fraser is about to get his ears boxed. I would pay front row tickets to see that meself."

Bree laughed at Roger's gleeful reaction, "Should we get Lord John to stop her?"

"Stop her from doing what?" John said, approaching the two, with a plate of food in his hand. "Where did Eleanor go?"

"Eleanor is about to lay into Da for telling the kids that all Presbyterians are heretics," Bree said.

"Oh dear," John laughed hard, "No, I wouldn't dare stop my wife from doing what I would love to see myself."

"See what?" Claire came up to where they had gathered.

"Grandperre says Roger has hair ticks," Germain announced, proudly. "Auntie Ellie isna happy about it."

"Mama is verra upset," Sam said, seriously. "Roger Mac says Mama is goin to box Da's ears!"

Claire looked amused, "If only we had popcorn..." she said as Roger and Bree laughed harder, tears streaming down their faces.

* * *

"Your excellency," Eleanor shifted Hope on her hip as Governor Tryon beckoned her to approach, interrupting the conversation with him and Jamie. "How are you enjoying the festivities?"

"I am enjoying them indeed," he said, reaching out to smooth Hope's curls, "She is getting big, Lady John."

"She is," Eleanor smiled.

"I got a new dress," Hope said, proudly, smoothing it out again and fiddling with the ribbon. "Do you like it?"

"Hope," Eleanor put her finger to her lip, shushing her. "Mama is talking."

"Do not worry, Lady John, let the child talk, I'm not offended by it," Tryon smiled, amused, "Yes, my dear, I do think it is a very fetching dress indeed," he said, seriously to her.

"I want to throw flowers..." Hope told him seriously and then gave Jamie a grumpy look. "Hope big girl."

"That's enough, sweetheart," Eleanor said, quickly. She put her down. She pointed to where Mac was with William. "Go see William, Hope, darling. Tell him to help you find Papa for me." Hope toddled off.

"I do hope I am not interrupting anything," she said, watching Hope to make sure she got to William.

"No," Jamie said, "Governor Tryon was just congratulating me on Brianna's nuptials."

"Excellent," Eleanor smiled.

Tryon looked amused again, "Were you concerned?"

Eleanor couldn't hide her shock, "No, of course not, I did not think otherwise."

"I was told earlier, Colonel Fraser, that it would be unseemly to talk over the matters of the regulators and war on such a joyous day."

Jamie cleared his throat, "Were you?" he looked at Eleanor, frowning.

"I simply made an observation," Eleanor said, "I wouldn't dare to be so bold to council his excellency on such matters..." she said, smoothly. "As his excellency well knows."

Tryon laughed, "Surely not, Lady John. But I do like to tease you so. You are quite an easy target."

"She always has been," Jamie muttered.

Tryon laughed, "I will leave you to your business with Colonel Fraser, but I shall find you later. Perhaps the honor of a dance with you?"

She curtsied, "Of course, that would be a pleasure."

He extended his hand and Eleanor put hers in his. He kissed her hand before bowing and taking his leave.

Jamie grunted and then gripped her arm, "Come with me," he grunted. "I need to talk to ye."

"Good, because I need to talk to you too," Eleanor said, shrugging off his arm as they found a private spot away from the crowds. "And before you say what you were going to say, I said those words to Tryon for Bree's benefit because I'm sure she doesn't want to think about her father going to war on her wedding day."

"Ach," Jamie grunted, "Verra weel, lass. Thank ye fer that then."

"You're welcome. Now," she put her hand on her hip, "You need to go explain to your son and your grandson that you were jesting about Roger being a heretic," She held up her hand as Jamie began to look disgruntled with her...

"Now lass..."

"Do not, _now lass me_, James Fraser, because if he is one, then I am one...and I know it has been years, but there was once a time when you were ready to baptize your son in my faith, conceding that it wasn't that far from your own...so, _I'm not done talking_," Eleanor glared at him as he tried to get a word in edgewise. "unless in your advanced years, you have become a cranky old man, set in your ways which would explain alot..."

"Ye have quite a bit of grey hairs these days, Lady John..." Jamie grunted and she put her hand on his chest, pushing at him,

"And yet with my age, I think I have only become wiser...and more accepting of those who are different than me..." Eleanor said. "It's either that or you forgot...about the _many_ conversations we had about the way we wanted to raise our children..."

"Was it wrong for me to ask for a proper priest to marry my daughter?" Jamie grumbled.

"They did not need a priest...or the ceremony to be conducted in Latin..."

"I dinnae say anything aboot Latin," Jamie interrupted.

"But you were thinking it, weren't you?" Eleanor challenged.

Jamie gave her a look, "Aye, maybe so."

Eleanor titled her head, "It doesn't need to be that way for their marriage to be honored by God...and surely their marriage will be, don't you think, Jamie?"

"Aye, of course," Jamie frowned. "I honestly dinnae mean to offend ye, Eleanor. I was more..."

"I know, you were trying to give Roger a hard time, which by the way...is not very nice," Eleanor told him, her hands back on her hip, "He's trying really hard to win your approval, but think of how lost I was when we first met. Have some patience with him. Take it from someone who knows, this is really hard to adjust..."

"But he didn't come back right away."

"No, he didn't, but..." Eleanor gave him a look, "Surely, you cannot fault him for that."

"Aye, I do."

"Really?" Eleanor titled her head again, "After all we went through together...can you really say that you should ever be the one to judge him for that? At least he wanted to be sure of it...which is kind of admirable to make sure he actually kept the vows he made to her instead to keep making them and then regret them later."

Jamie grunted, knowing her words were true. He had acted less than honorably towards Eleanor and had not treated her very well, all things considered.

"Verra weel. I acknowledge yer point. But tis my daughter's wedding day, do ye really have to take me to task today?"

She rubbed his arm, "Of course not." She leaned up on her toes to kiss Jamie's cheek, "But it was my gift to the groom."

She walked away to Jamie's howl of laughter.

* * *

"Where is Hope, Mac?" Eleanor asked, the next day.

"I dinna ken, mama," Mac said, frowning, "I was playin with my friends."

"You were supposed to be watching her," Eleanor said.

Jamie came up beside them, his hand on Mac's head. "What's the matter, Eleanor?"

"I can't find Hope," she said, looking around. She was trying to quell the panic that was rising up in here, but she felt it in her gut- something was wrong.

"She must be somewhere. She canna have wandered far," Jamie reasoned, his voice calm.

"Then she would have be in eyesight and she's not!" Eleanor retorted. "Fraser's Ridge is not safe for an almost two year old to be by herself- there are wild animals and so many woods- she could be lost for days and we never find her!"

The others gathered around at the sound of the distress in Eleanor's voice.

"What is wrong, Eleanor?" John asked.

"Hope is missing," Eleanor said.

"She canna have gone far, lassie. We will find her," Jamie said, his voice calm. His hand still rested on Mac's head, protectively. He was keenly aware that as Eleanor's distress was affecting their son, who looked as if he was fighting not to cry.

"Jamie is right, she cannot be far," John said, lightly touching her arm. "There are so many people around. You mustn't think the worst."

Eleanor's heart nearly panicked as she looked between Jamie and John. "She should be right here," she insisted, swallowing down the bile that was rising to her throat. She felt this feeling before, the day the children were kidnapped. "She is so little, she can get in so much trouble on her own."

"I know," John said, his voice just as calm as Jamie's. "But thinking the worst will only distract in our search, Eleanor."

"We'll split up and look for her," Brianna said, her hand touching Eleanor's, gripping her fingers lightly. "We'll find her, Ellie."

"She is probably hiding in some wee crevice," Roger said.

"That's right," Fergus said. "Hope loves to play hide and seek with the children."

"That's probably it. We'll split up and look fer the wee un," Jamie said, his eyes steady on her. "Eleanor, ye go with Lord John."

"You and Eleanor should go together," John suggested, his voice low. "You and Claire know the lay of the land better than either of us. Would you object to accompanying me?" he turned to Claire.

"Of course not, that's a smart idea," Claire said.

"Verra gut," Jamie put his hand on Mac's head, turning him around. "Ye come with me and yer mama."

John reached to grip Eleanor's hand. He pulled her into him, kissing her head gently. He leaned to whisper in her ear, "We are going to find her, my darling. You must calm your fear. The children, especially Mac, are watching you." His censure was gently given, but necessary to prevent all out hysterics from the children. And his gentle reminder reached to Eleanor. She had to pull it together for the children's sake.

"I'll try," Eleanor sniffed, nodding her head. "I love you." She leaned up to whisper those words in his ear. "She is our baby."

"I know," John said, "I am worried as well. And I love you too."

"Are ye ready, lass?" Jamie asked, his hand in Mac's.

She nodded and went to Jamie's side. He gave her a nod and small smile.

They spread out- when they exhausted all the tents that had been set up around the big house, they headed towards the woods. Jamie going with her through the towards the water, the others close behind.

Jamie turned his back to crouch down and talk with Mac. "Do ye remember the last place ye saw yer sister?"

"We were goin to see Fergus and Marsali," Mac said, "on the trail, but then my friends wanted to play so we turned around."

"Jamie, that's right next to the river," Eleanor said, panicked.

"I'm sure that Hope stayed on the path," Jamie said, calmly.

"She's two! She doesn't do anything sensible!" Eleanor retorted. She rushed forward, the sinking feeling threatening to overcome her. And it was then when she saw her- standing on the rocks by the river, which was rushing.

She stepped towards the bank. "Hope!"

"Mama." Hope's voice sang through the air, "I clime rock. Like Mat." It was Hope's name for her brother. She was once again trying to be like the older kids.

"Hope, stay there! The water is really high from all the rain! Don't worry. I'll come and get you, sweetheart. Just don't move!" But as Eleanor stepped closer, Hope slipped off the rock and fell into the water. The flow of the river began to take her downstream.

"Hope!" Eleanor screamed as she dove into the water, "Jamie, Jamie, I need you!" she screamed out to him, her dress sinking her down. She struggled to get to her child. "Hope, sweetheart! _Jamie!_"

Jamie heard her voice and bolted to join her in the water, he grabbed Hope who was bobbling in the water. John and Claire came at the sound of Jamie's holler, followed by Bree and Roger, who both grabbed the other children. "Let's go see Auntie," Roger said. He grabbed Sam, quickly bolstering him up in his arms and reached for Mac's hand, turning them around.

"Is Hope in the water?" Mac asked, trying to turn around and see.

Murtagh came out from between the trees. He firmly guided his godson away from the river bank. "Come, Mac. Ye dinna need to be here."

"Ye dinna need to be here either," Roger said. "Tryon is still here."

Murtagh shrugged, but he looked back to where Eleanor was in the water. "I made a vow not only to Ellen Fraser, but to Eleanor and Jamie as weel. Mac needs his godfather right now."

"Will Hope be okay, Murtagh?" Mac asked, frowning. "Is Mama goin to drown? She keeps goin under."

"I dinna ken, laddie. Yer Da is goin to do everything he can to help yer Mama and Hope. Come, Roger Mac is right. We need to see Auntie. There is nothin ye can do fer them."

"Is Mama goin to die?" Mac's lip trembled.

Bree picked up Rosie as she began to sob.

"Yer scarin yer sister, lad," Murtagh chided. "Yer Da has the situation in hand. Yer Papa is with him and Claire. Ye dinna need to fash until we ken somethin, laddie."

Tears filled Mac eyes. "I was supposed to be watchin her."

"I ken, lad," Murtagh said, "Let's go. We can talk aboot it with Auntie."

"Rosie sad," Rosie said, burying her head in Bree's shoulder. "I wanna Hope and Mama!"

"I know," Bree held her even tighter, "But Marsali said she had a surprise for you. Let's go see what it is," Bree said, quickly following Roger and Murtagh.

Ellie struggled to stay afloat, treading the water as a heavy weight was pulling her down and the water swirled around her. She couldn't feel the bottom and she knew she could easily go under.

"Eleanor!" John called for her, "Grab onto the branch there. I'm coming for you."

"John," Eleanor sunk down, struggling as she swallowed gulps of water. "_I'm going to drown._" she whispered, even though she knew John wouldn't be able to hear her.

"Don't panic, Eleanor," John called as he began wade into the water. "Jamie, can you get to her faster?"

Jamie looked over to her, his eyes wide as he saw Ellie struggling to swim against the rush of the water. But he was keenly aware of the limp child in his arms. Their eyes met, with the decision heavy upon him. Hope needed immediate help but Eleanor...she was clearly in danger.

_Eleanor looked over at Jamie and then back at the sheet that was covering her. She chewed on her lip contemplatively, her face flushed. She almost could feel Jamie's eyes on her, but when she tried to sneak another peek, he wasn't looking at her. She lightly tapped the sheet that she had pulled up against her, trying to give her some modesty. Their love making had been so quick, intensely passionate and when it was over and Jamie slipped to his side of the bed, Eleanor was left with feeling achingly empty. And completely unsure of herself. She didn't know what had possessed her. They sat in awkward silence for a good long while, each trying to steal glances at each other._

_The ship creaked and did a sudden roll and Eleanor was thrust against him. Instinctively, Jamie reached out his arm to protect her. She nearly jumped at his arm across her._

_He made a Scottish guttural sound of disapproval at her skittish reaction to his touch. Unable to take the tense, awkward silence between them any longer, Eleanor slipped from out from under his arm to roll off the bed. She reached for her shift and pulled it over her and then to collect the garments that had been strewn over the floor of the cabin._

_Realizing she was about to flee, Jamie broke the silence._

_"Mo ghraidh," his voice was low. "I dinnae regret what just happened. Come back here and let us talk aboot it."_

_She shook her head, but didn't speak to him._

_"Eleanor," Jamie's voice became strained. He was certain when he broke the silence, she would have responded. He was quiet for a few moments and Eleanor remained frozen, wanting to flee so badly, but shame froze her to the floor. Everyone would know. She heard the bed creak as Jamie reached for his breeches, shrugging them on. He sat back down on the bed his head in his hands. His heart tore at the knowledge that once again, he broke the heart of the woman he still loved._

_They remained that way for what seemed like forever, when Jamie raised his head to say, firmly,_

_"Ye canna run from me, mo ghraidh. Not any longer. We must face all that has happened. You must heal from this as weel. Or we will never have peace in our family."_

_"I cannot," the words tumbled out before she could stop them. Her tone was absolutely panicked. She clung to her dress and suddenly her whole body began to shake with sobs. She wanted to run from him in the worst way. The past few months had broken her and making love to Jamie, being with him, instead of healing her, cracked her down to her very core. She had missed him desperately, his touch...his love for her. He connected with her soul in a way that no man ever had before and she loved him so._

_The bed creaked and she could feel the floorboards moving. Jamie was next to her in an instant. His hand was on her shoulder, covering her hair that had come loose from its ribbon. But he made no move to force her around, sensing she need to do so herself, when she was ready._

_"Turn around, mo ghraidh," he commanded, "Ye will look at me now."_

_It took her a full minute to get the courage to, but when she finally did, his expression never wavered, "I ken ye are scarrit. And I ken ye are uncertain. But I will not have ye ashamed. Do ye understand me?" He paused, searching her. "Will ye no talk to me?"_

_She remained silent and he pressed, "Will ye make me beg, Eleanor?" he reached to wipe her tears that were falling rapidly. "Mo ghraidh, please."_

_Eleanor swallowed hard, forcing herself to speak. "But I am ashamed," she said, "I am so weak, not to protect my heart from you...again and again, when will I ever learn?"_

_"Do ye not see the hold ye have on me, Eleanor?" Jamie asked, tipping her chin up. "Ye have as much of a command on my heart as I do on yers. Do ye not believe me?"_

_"No," She took a heaving breath. "How can I?"_

_"Fer one...I took ye to my bed just now."_

_"That's lust...not love," Eleanor said as she searched his eyes, "Did you like it?"_

_Jamie was dumbfounded, "Did I like it?" he repeated._

_She sniffed hard, not bothering to shrug off his grip that was still on her chin, forcing her to remain her gaze on him, "Was I good enough for you?"_

_He stilled, "Gut enough? How can ye ask me such a thing?" He drew her in and kissed her softly, "It wasna lust, Eleanor."_

_"Then what was it? You were heartbroken over Claire so you took me to your bed. What is it?" she demanded, "if that is not lust, then I don't know what is."_

_"What was it?" Jamie gripped her hard and his next words were said with a fury, "Ye ken verra much what it tis. What it always tis, between ye and I. I love ye, Eleanor. I dinna stop because ye decided that ye and I were not marrit anymore."_

_"Don't," She pleaded._

_"Truth aboot tonight is that ye reached into my soul and ye healed it...as ye do over and over again." He moved to lightly cup her face, "as ye always have. And I ken it was a considerable cost to yer own to save my soul again, mo ghraidh. And it only makes me love ye more."_

_Then he pulled her back to hold her tightly into his arms, "Cry yer tears now, lassie. Ye have been so brave these past months. I willna let ye go."_

_Eleanor felt herself crumbling in Jamie's arms. "I want it back to how it was," she sobbed into his shoulder. "I need you. I need you so badly. Everything feels so wrong."_

_"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, kissing her head as he continued to hold her tight._

_"You made me promises, James Fraser, when I got stuck in this time. When we decided to have more babies. That we would face this life together...and I am so alone. Because your love for me was not as great or meaningful as your love for Claire. I want to be your soulmate. I wanted you to choose me, but I knew you weren't going to. It was so foolish of me."_

_"No, it wasna," Jamie said. "I ken yer heart verra weel. If any un was a fool, Eleanor, twas I. I dinnae ken what the solution would have been, but to let ye sacrifice yerself and our family fer me and Claire, tis unforgivable what I have done to ye and our wee uns."_

_"What if something has happened to our babies?" her words were a strangled sob. "What will we do?"_

_He pulled away and gripped her face, cradling it in his hands, "We will find them, Eleanor. I swear it to you. And if something has happened...ye and I will face it together as we always do...like I vowed that we would do together when we first learned we were expectin our first wee bairn."_

_"James..." she could taste the salt of her tears that were flooding her vision, running down her face, onto her lips. "I feel so empty without you. I am ashamed of what we did, but I am more ashamed by the fact that I was upset it was over so soon."_

_"Aye," Jamie chuckled at her blunt honesty, "I'm sorry fer it." He reached to wipe her tears, "That is my burden to bear, mo ghraidh. I was nearly mad with want fer ye...when ye stood up to me earlier, with such a fire within ye. But ye were pleased, were ye no?"_

_"Yes," Eleanor bit her lip, "I felt empty when it was over...in my heart."_

_"Aye, I ken yer meaning," He told her seriously and kissed her cheeks which were stained with her tears and then the saltiness of her lips and then reached to pick her up by the waist. "Then come and let me comfort ye again and we will take our time."_

_"But should we?" Eleanor asked, desperately. "Were we even good for each other? I am not your soul mate."_

_"What kind of foolishness are ye talking aboot?" Jamie asked her, frowning deeply. Then he looked determined and kissed her again, deeply, passionately. "Ye dinnae think we have the same passion, but ye are wrong aboot that. And I dinnae ken what a soul mate is, but I ken how I feel in my soul when it connects with yours."_

_"But if I feel your arms around me again...and you break my heart again, Jamie Fraser, I do not know if I will survive. If I go now, then I can try to forget we ever did this. It is better if it was lust than love."_

_Jamie frowned, "But we canna deny the truth..there is love between us, Ellie. And it will be so until the day I die. I never thought it possible to love another woman after Claire, but I willna deny that I do. And I never did deny my love fer ye, Ellie. I swear it to ye. I wouldna deny that I did."_

_"Did Claire understand?" Eleanor asked, searching his eyes._

_"She ken it was a possibility when she returned," Jamie said, "Claire is verra practical. Come, let me hold ye and love ye."_

_She put her hand on his face, conflicted. "Very well...but..." her mouth curled into a mischievous smile, even though tears still streamed down her face, "Are you certain you are up to it?"_

_Jamie grinned, "I canna believe ye would doubt me in that regard." He took her hand, tugging her towards the bed, "Come, let me prove that my desire fer ye is still strong."_

_"I am a fool, James Fraser," Eleanor said, practically melting, "But...at least I will be a happy one."_

_Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Ah, I did miss that humor of yers." He pushed her back onto the bed. "We will be happy fools together, mo ghraidh."_

* * *

Ellie struggled as Jamie managed to balance Hope and get to her, "For God's sake, don't worry about me," Eleanor gasped, sputtering water. "Take her to shore."

"I am not letting ye drown, lassie," Jamie said, sternly, keeping her chin above water. "What is the matter?"

"I think my dress is caught in some rocks. It's pulling me down. I can't swim with it. And the water is too fast."

John swam out to them, "Let me have Hope."

Jamie handed the babe to him and John's face looked grim. "Take the bairn to shore," Jamie said. "I have a knife in my pocket. I can try to cut Eleanor loose."

"Wait," Eleanor reached out desperately for Hope's hand. "Is she breathing?" Ellie began to panic. "Hope!"

"Let John take the babe to Claire, Eleanor," Jamie said, "Go, John, I got Eleanor. I'm the stronger swimmer."

"Jamie!" Eleanor struggled to stay afloat, "I'm sinking. I'm going to drown."

"No, ye are not!" Jamie lifted her head above the water, "I got ye. Try to tilt yer head up. I'm goin under to see if I can free ye up."

"Wait," Eleanor struggled, "Is Hope alive?"

"I dinnae ken, she isna breathing," Jamie said.

"Eleanor!" John called, "Claire has Hope. She is safe. Just keep your head above water. I can come back for you."

"Tell him to stay with Hope," Eleanor said to Jamie. "She will need her Papa when she wakes up."

"Aye, that's right," Jamie said. He turned his head. "I got Ellie, John," Jamie yelled, "She wants ye to stay with the bairn. Keep yer head up, woman," Jamie shook her. "Or I will never forgive ye. I'm goin under now."

"Wait," Eleanor said, gripping him, "I lied to you before. I want you to know how sorry I am for it."

"Aboot what?" Jamie asked, his hand on her chin, forcing it up. "What did ye lie aboot, lass?"

"I said I didn't know. But Murtagh and I hadn't...not since the kids were taken. Hope is ours, Jamie. She has always been ours," She whispered, desperately, "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I was just so angry with you...and hurt that you acted like nothing happened- like the time on the ship wasn't important."

"Aye, I broke more promises to ye that night and I am sorrit for it, lass. But to deny me my child...?" He titled his head. "We'll talk aboot it later. Ye must focus on the task ahead."

"But now it may be too late."

Jamie leaned to kiss her forehead, "Do ye remember my vow to ye?" he whispered, continuing to push her chin up, "No matter what we face with our wee uns, we'll do so together..."

"But we aren't together, James. I can't lose Hope. I can't bare this without you, even with John loving me the way he does."

"My wee besom," Jamie said, "ye canna get rid of me that easily. I will stand by yer side no matter what comes."

"I'm so sorry," Eleanor sobbed, "Please. Don't hate me."

"No," Jamie gripped her, "I have told ye before and I will tell ye again...ye will always be forgiven by me fer whatever ye do to wrong me...do ye hear me? When all is settled, I will have a few things to say on the matter. But the only reason I will ever consider hating ye is if ye dinna keep yer damn heid above this water. I willna forgive ye for that. Do ye hear, mo ghraidh? Now stop sobbin and save yer strength."

"I'll try." Eleanor said.

"Verra gut. Are ye ready fer me to let you go?"

Eleanor felt the weight of his words, "No, but I will let you."

His eyes searched hers. "Aye, I ken ye will. Ye always do. Heid up, ye hear? Ye will fight against this water and ye will not give up. Do ye hear me, Ellie?"

"I hear you."

Jamie went under and she felt her being pulled down, she gulped in some water, but attempted to breathe underneath it. In a panic she felt herself sinking further and John's yell. She surfaced and gasped back for air as she was being pulled back under. And in that moment, she felt that this was it. But then she remembered Jamie's words to her and she fought harder. But even as she did, the pull of the water was too great.

Her mind flashed back to the cave, her son at her breast, Jamie's around both of them. "I love ye, mo ghraidh." And a few years later in the middle of the night with three wee uns in their bed, them looking over at each other and grinning as they watched their wee uns sleep. But then the memories faded and she saw John...the way he looked at her, the way they laughed with each other. And she fought harder against the pull of the water.

But then, she felt herself being loosened and then Jamie's strong arms were around her as he hoisted her above water.

"Thank Christ," he murmured, as he swam with her to shore, against the pull of the river, pushing her up onto the bank. Eleanor began to heave and choke, Jamie's arms still around her.

"Get it out, lassie," he said as she vomited water up.

"How is she?" John asked Jamie as he looked over, his manner as steady as ever, but his shoulders were stiff and his face pale. Between his wife and his daughter, he was shaken to the core.

"She'll be fine," Jamie said. "Say something to John, lassie, so he kens ye are weel."

"I'm okay. Damn dresses," She took a long breath, still shaking in Jamie's arms. "I liked this one too."

John let out a long breath, "I will buy you ten more to replace it, Eleanor," he called to her.

She closed her eyes, still heaving, exhausted. Her mind was so disoriented right now.

"Ye did weel. Ye have such fight in ye," Jamie kissed the side of her head and then for a moment, he tucked his face into her shoulder, allowing him a moment of reprieve, comfort knowing Ellie was safe. But that comfort was short lived.

Eleanor was still sorting out the events in her mind, it muddled from her scare in the water. And suddenly the panic overtook her once again when she realized why she was in the water to begin with.

"Where is Hope?" Eleanor asked as her eyes traveled to where John was crouched beside Claire and her heart nearly stopped.

"Hope!" Eleanor gasped as Jamie picked her up, wet clothes and all, and dragged her to where Hope was.

Claire was performing CPR and Eleanor looked to Jamie, desperately, "We cannot lose her! Jesus, no!" Eleanor sobbed. "She was only in there for a minute. We got to her so quickly. She has to be okay."

"Shh, mo ghraidh," Jamie hushed her as she was shivering and shaking in his arms.

John looked stricken as he reached out to grip her hand, Jamie's arms still around Eleanor.

"Jamie," Claire's voice shook, "It's been a while. I do not think..."

Eleanor grew very still. "Jamie?" her voice sounded far off. John's hand squeezed hers harder.

"No!" Jamie said, shaking his head in the manner he did when he became determinedly resolute, refusing to accept an outcome. He untangled himself from Eleanor, pushing her towards John. "Tell me how to do what ye are doin to her.."

Jamie took over CPR for Eleanor, speaking Gaelic while doing it until there was a moment when Jamie turned to meet her eyes and Eleanor's eyes widened in sheer panic.

"Come on, Hope, leannan! Ye willna die on me now!" Jamie gave a few vigorous thrusts and when they thought all Hope was lost, Hope sputtered.

"Thank God," Eleanor sobbed.

"Roll her over," Clare said, "onto her side." Hope vomited up water. "We must get her warm as well." She turned to Eleanor, "You need to go change, Ellie. Or you will be no good to any of us if you get pneumonia."

"Where are the children?" Eleanor heaved, struggling to catch her breath.

Fergus stepped forward, "Mac is with Murtagh and Mistress Cameron, mi lady. Marsali is helping Brianna with Sam and Rosie."

"Thank you, Fergus. Please make sure they don't see any of this," Eleanor began to sob, the thought of her children so frightened for their sister. "Just keep them away...occupied. And please thank them for us."

"Of course, Eleanor."

Jamie took Hope carefully into his arms. "Come with me, leannan. Eleanor, Claire is right. Ye need to change. I'll do the same. And Lord John."

"I should be with her," Eleanor said. "I can't leave her. She is going to slip away from me just like the others did."

Claire exchanged a concerned look with John, who both knew that Eleanor was unraveling.

"I need to hold her for a moment," Eleanor whispered.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, kneeling beside Eleanor and gently putting Hope into her arms. Eleanor rocked her and leaned down to kiss Hope's wet curls. Her hand was on Hope's chest feeling the rise of fall of it.

"Please wake up, darling," Eleanor whispered, looking at her child. John's arm went around Eleanor.

"Eleanor, look at me, lass," Jamie's eyes met hers, holding her gaze in his, "We'll take gut care of the wee un while ye change. Claire is the best un to do that now."

"She needs to be held," Eleanor said, her lip trembling. "She can't be put down on that big bed in your surgery. She has to know she is loved."

"Dinna fash. I will hold her, Eleanor," Jamie said. "After I change until ye come and hold her yerself."

"I'll hold her while Jamie changes," Claire said. "We will not put her down, Eleanor. I promise you."

"The children…"

"Our wee uns are bein takin care of by their family," Jamie said, "who love them just as much we do. Dinna fash over them." He put out his hands, "Let me take the bairn, lass."

She leaned to kiss Hope and then gave Hope to Jamie, who carefully rose with her. They left them, John and Eleanor sitting on the bank.

As Jamie passed Fergus, "Stay with Ellie and make sure she is weel and that she nor Lord John need anything."

"Aye, mi Lord. I would not leave mi lady right now," Fergus said.

"I ken ye wouldna," Jamie said, seriously, stopping to put a hand on Fergus's shoulder.

Eleanor buried her head and sobbed into John's knees as Jamie carried Hope to the big house, followed by Claire. Fergus stood off to the side, but keeping watch over Eleanor. She and John sat like that for a good twenty minutes, both unable to propel themselves to move from the spot.

Roger came and whispered to Fergus who shook his head. John looked over to them, "What is it?" he asked.

They approached them. Fergus cleared his throat. "Mi Lord wishes to know if you have baptized Hope."

"Does Claire think she won't wake up?" Eleanor lifted her head, her eyes wide.

"No," Roger shook his head, "Jamie wishes it more as a precaution, I think."

John gripped Eleanor's hand, "Things were so uncertain around the time of Hope's birth."

Eleanor closed her eyes, struggling, "Oh God. We are going to lose her."

"We don't know that," John said, his voice gentle. "You cannot let yourself give into despair and be paralyzed by fear. She is alive and she is breathing and we have to hope that she will wake."

"Aye, Lord John is right," Roger said. "And you must take care fer when she does, Ellie. Ye need to get out of your wet clothes. You are shivering so much that yer teeth are rattling."

"Yes," John said. "Tell Jamie we have not baptized Hope." He put his hand on the shoulder of his wife. "Eleanor," John murmured, "I'm going to pick you up now and take you to our tent."

"I can walk," Eleanor said, but she was still shaking uncontrollably.

"No, darling, let me attend to you," he gently lifted her into his arms, "I have you now."

"I told him," Eleanor whispered. "That's what this is about."

"I knew you did," John said, "There was a change to him, a protectiveness that Jamie reserves for his family."

"I thought we were going to lose her, we could still...what if she doesn't wake up?" Eleanor's voice shook, "John, I feel like I am drowning again, I cannot catch my breath." John's heart stilled at the sheer panic he saw in her eyes. And he knew in that moment that his instincts to lead Eleanor with gentleness would not pull her out of this. And he could not force himself to be harsh with her- not when their daughter lied unconscious. But he also knew that there was a man who could speak the words necessary to help calm his wife.

John gave Fergus a look as he passed him with her, "Tell Jamie that Eleanor needs him," he said, his tone even, "We'll be in our tent."

"Of course, Lord John," Fergus nodded, his eyes clouded with concern.

John carried Eleanor to his tent, sitting her down, sopping onto the bed.

"I need you to breathe," John put his hand on her back, "You must calm yourself, Eleanor."

She struggled, gasping. "I'm trying. Oh God, help me. I can't."

Jamie entered a few minutes later, "Eleanor," he knelt down, "Claire sent this. Breathe into the bag."

"I cannot," She gasped for air. Jamie shoved her head into the bag, "For Christ's sake,_ breathe_!" He snapped at her, a command that Eleanor obeyed immediately. When she stopped hyperventilating, Jamie reached up to gasp her chin, forcing her to look at him. John had stepped back, but still hovered over the two of them.

"Ye will get yerself under control, Eleanor. Our wee uns need ye strong and as brave as ye were when ye jumped into that water after Hope with no a thought except to get to our bairn." He shook her hard. "Ye canna panic on me right now. Ye can later...as much as ye wish, but fer now, ye will gather yer strength. I canna face our children without ye by my side, do ye hear? They need both of us."

"What if she doesn't wake up?" Eleanor asked, despairingly. "She is your last baby. I ruined that for you."

"Ye dinna ruin it for me," Jamie titled his head at her, his chin quirked up like he was so apt to do when he was determined with meeting the task ahead, "I will have years to be Hope's father, Eleanor. And I will be her Da now. The lassie will wake up and ye will be there fer when she does." He straightened, "We will hold onto hope because that is what ye named her for, is it no?"

Eleanor wondered at the irony, even through her despair, "It is indeed. But I am struggling to believe it."

"I ken ye are," Jamie said, his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it, "But ye must try not to lose yer faith Eleanor."

She nodded.

"Now, ye will allow Lord John to help change ye. And then ye will come to see Hope. Then we'll talk to our bairns and let them ken what is happenin. They must be so afraid fer their sister. Ye canna...ye willna go into hysterics on me. Ye must be calm so the bairns will be calm."

Eleanor bit her lip, "Okay."

"Verra gut," he kissed her head, and then leaned forward to give her a long hug. "Ye are strong and ye are brave, mo ghraidh. And ye are the best mama to our bairns...all four of them."

"I shouldn't have left her with Mac," she whispered. "He is usually so responsible and I thought that Willie would be with him. I just needed five minutes to myself. I had to use the privy and Mac was standing right there. I thought it would be okay. I didn't know they were on the way to the path and that Mac would get distracted. It's so not like him."

"And if ye are feelin that guilt, imagine what our lad feels," Jamie said. "But tis not yer fault, lass. Ye canna thrash yerself fer it. Ye can step away from time to time. Ye canna hover over the bairns every wee minute. But...we have to be able to trust the older uns with the wee uns. But we will address that later. I made ye a promise and I will keep it. I am here with ye...I love ye, mo ghraidh. Dinnae forget it."

"I love you, too," she whispered to him.

"Verra gut," He stood and then bowed slightly, "Lady John."

He left them and suddenly Eleanor was aware of how thick the air was between her and John. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Hope...is just as much your daughter as Jamie's. And my heart also belongs to you, John."

"I know that well, dearest," John's shoulders relaxed. "No, I'm sorry. I had a moment watching you and Jamie...knowing he could reach into your soul in this moment in a way that I cannot...because we do not share a child."

"But we do," Eleanor said, "I mean what I just said. Hope is ours just as she is Jamie's. And I know that your heart is broken just as much as ours is."

"Yes, it wasn't my finest moment. My heart is torn with worry over Hope as well and I am not reacting in the way that honors what we have betwixt us. And in the moment, I couldn't force myself to use harshness to reach you, not when as you said, my heart is broken as much as yours is."

"John Grey, you are the best man I know," Eleanor launched herself at him, "I thought I was going to die in that water and there was a moment that memories flashed before me...and yes, I did remember Jamie and the love he and I shared, the family we have together, but I also thought about _you._..the way we laugh, the way you know my heart as well as I do. I promise...we'll all get through this...some how, some way. And I won't lose it on you again."

"I know you won't, darling," John said, holding her tight.

"The truth of the matter is...I need both you and Jamie to get through this because as you said, you both speak to me in different ways."

"And you have both of us, my darling, Eleanor," John kissed her, softly, "I feared the worse when I saw you go under...And Hope...I love that little girl as if she was my own flesh and blood."

"I know you do," Eleanor said, "And she loves her Papa so much. As do I. Desperately so."

"I'm grateful for it," John whispered, his face pale. "Let me change you, sweetheart, so we can get back to our daughter. You are shivering still."

She nodded and let John tenderly undress her, dry her off and dress her back. She sat on the bed, while she watched John change his clothes. And when they were both dry, they sat with each other for a moment, his arms tightly around her, trying to draw strength from one another.

"Are you ready, my love?" John asked, gently.

Eleanor nodded and then hand in hand, they left their tent and made their way to the Big House...to face whatever more would come that day...together.


	37. Chapter 37

**A/N: Thank you all for all the lovely reviews! I would LOVE to know what you think of this chapter- lots of emotions wrapped in it. Hope everyone is staying well!**

Eleanor sat down in the rocking chair as Jamie stood with Hope in his arms, a white crocheted blanket wrapped around her.

"Here ye are, Eleanor," Jamie said, his voice low as he tenderly put Hope into Eleanor's arms. He briefly rested his hand on Hope's head, rubbing it gently.

Eleanor cuddled her baby against her, leaning down to kiss the top of her head. She reached for her hand, kissing it and then cradling in both of hers. "Oh Hope," she shuddered. "my sweet, lovely baby. You were a miracle to begin with...and now, I fear we need a miracle again. God help us," She closed her eyes, praying hard, kissing her head again, her hand still cradling Hope's. "My sweet baby."

When she opened her eyes, she looked tortured. "I should have never weaned her, I was so conflicted about it. I should have trusted my instincts," she said, softly, "I could have still given her nourishment. She would always feed while she was asleep. It was her comfort. Maybe that would have helped her."

"You can't look back, my darling," John said, quietly, stepping around Jamie to put a hand on Eleanor's shoulder, squeezing it. "Only forward."

She swallowed down the lump in her throat, "You're right." She reached one of her hands to reach back and grip John's hand, which was still resting on her shoulder. She let out her breath, feeling John's steady strength bolstering her. In spite of her feelings for Jamie that she could not shake, she did love him so and was so enormously grateful for his steadiness and gentle manner, which guided her so beautifully to acclimating to this life, who made her want to become a better mother and wife...all doing so without damaging her pride and stifling her 21st century spirit.

"Do ye need anythin, lass?" Jamie asked. "I figured ye and I would talk to the bairns after ye had some time with Hope."

Eleanor nodded, "I know we have to do that soon. I'm just overwhelmed by the thought of navigating their emotions when my own are so weary."

"I am dreadin it too," Jamie admitted. "But tis our responsibility as their parents."

"I know," Eleanor squeezed John's hand one more time before dropping it to shift Hope to rest more against her chest and then rub her back. "Do we know where William is?" she asked. "I haven't seen him."

"Aye, he came by a few minutes ago. He is with Claire."

Eleanor looked to John, her eyes worried, "Did he see Hope?"

"Claire ushered him away before he could get a gut look," Jamie said, "I figured ye and Lord John wanted to talk to him."

Eleanor let out her breath and looked to John, whose eyes were troubled.

"Yes, we do," John said, evenly, "Thank you, Jamie."

"Aye," Jamie nodded.

"Where is Claire?" John asked, still at Eleanor's side.

"In the kitchen. Making tea fer Eleanor and feeding William some cookies," Jamie said, "She is worried about yer swim in the river."

"She always thinks of everything," Eleanor murmured. "I just don't know why she hasn't woken up yet...and what if she does...and...she isn't Hope?"

Jamie looked stricken. "We canna think of it."

"I guarantee Claire has told you that is a possibility."

"Aye, but..." Jamie's features turned stormy, and Eleanor sensed the highlander in him was ready to battle for his daughter.

"Jamie, I know you want to fight for her...but if God doesn't give us our miracle...then..." She bit her lip, and look to John for help. "We must accept it." She sniffed. "We have to prepare ourselves to the worst."

"Ye canna give up on her!" Jamie said, adamantly as Eleanor's gaze turned back to him. "I willna let ye. She has to believe ye will fight fer her so she will fight fer herself."

"Jamie! I will never give up on her!" Eleanor said, her voice filled with passion and conviction, "But the children, especially Mac and William, need us to be honest with them. You always told me that we would strive to be honest with our babies," She turned to John again, "John, please." She pleaded. She didn't know exactly what she was pleading for but needed John to intervene.

"Sweetheart," he whispered, his traveling between hers and Jamie's, "we have to hold tight to that hope that she will wake up and she will be the same precocious little girl that we all love."

"I know, John," Ellie said, softly, "But we also have to be realistic. She wasn't breathing for a while. I'm praying hard that we will get the miracle, but if we don't..."

"I refuse to believe, Eleanor, that after all you went through to give birth to Hope and the very fact that she was conceived to begin with, that this is the way her life will end..." John said.

"John is right," Jamie said, firmly, his eyes meeting hers, "her life was a miracle from the verra beginning. And I dinnae want to believe that this is the way it ends."

"But this time is full of tragedy..." Eleanor said. "You know that the most of all people."

"Aye, but it doesna mean that this is one of those times," Jamie said, firmly as John met Jamie's eyes, John's hand protectively on Eleanor's shoulder. "She has a lot of fight in that wee body of hers. Dinnae underestimate her, lassie."

She gave him a small smile, "Because her father is a warrior?" she asked, quietly.

"Nah, because her mother is one..." Jamie said, a small smile back.

Eleanor's heart filled with so many different emotions at Jamie's sweet words. John looked between the two of them. "I am going to go get William if that is agreeable to both of you. I don't disagree with you. We must prepare the children the best we can of the severity of Hope's condition."

Eleanor nodded. "Yes, we need to tell him as soon as possible before he hears from someone else." She looked to Jamie, "Actually," she looked reluctant, "Jamie, can you hold Hope for a bit while John and I talk to William? I want to prepare him because he is going to want to see her."

"Aye, of course," Jamie said as Eleanor rose and carefully handed Hope to him. "Lass?"

"Yes?" Eleanor asked.

"Thank ye fer takin such gut care of William. It means so verra much fer me to have ye love him the way ye do," Jamie said, quietly.

"William is easy to love," Eleanor said, sweetly, giving Hope a kiss on the head. She rubbed it, gently. "I have to go talk to your brother. But Mama will be right back to hold you more, Hope, sweetheart. I promise."

She gave her one more kiss before going with John, his arm draped around her shoulder.

* * *

"Thank you for making me some tea, Claire," Eleanor said as she helped her with the steeping.

"Of course," Claire said, looking at her and John and William. "I'll go find Jamie. Drink the whole cup, Ellie. Doctor's orders."

"Yes, ma'am," Eleanor said, fiddling around in the kitchen with her tea. "Do you want any, John?" she asked, him.

John nodded and the slid to sit beside William on the bench. Eleanor handed John a cup of tea and herself one. She sat across from them, her hands wrapped around the hot cup.

"Eleanor and I have to tell you something that happened this morning," John said, gently, "And I fear you will find it distressing, as Mama and I both do."

William frowned, "What happened?"

Eleanor took a sip of her tea and then put it down, her throat strained in pain as she tried not to cry.

John put a hand on his son's arm, "Hope fell into the river. Eleanor and Mister Fraser tied to get to her as fast as they could, but she stopped breathing for a while."

The cookie William was holding slipped out of his hand, "Is she...she isn't...Hope is..." he paused, "Papa?"

Eleanor stood and went over to pour William a glass of water, taking the time to compose herself.

"She is breathing, but she hasn't awoken...and we are unsure if she will," John said, quietly. "We must prepare ourselves for the worst, but as always hope for the best."

William looked at Eleanor's back and her slumped shoulders. He stood and went to her.

Lord John watched with tears in his eyes and William gently turned Eleanor around and pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so very sorry, Mama," his lip quivered under the weight of his emotion.

Eleanor held William tight, and then kissed his head. "I know, darling. I know you love her just as we do. You were there for the very beginning and you are the best big brother she could ask for."

"I love you too, you know," William said, quietly. "Very much."

Her heart overflowing, she put her hand on his cheek, "I know you do. As do I. So much. Marrying your Papa has brought me so much joy because it meant that we could all be a family and I wouldn't trade that for the world." She smiled at him, smoothing down his hair.

"May I hold Hope while you drink your tea?" William said. "I wish to help."

"I think you holding Hope will be just what she needs- to hear your voice and to know you love her," Eleanor said, nodding. She pulled William into her embrace again, looking over him to meet John's eyes.

"I love you," she mouthed.

"I love you too," he murmured back.

* * *

"Lord John," Tryon came up the steps of the Big House to where John was leaning against the porch railing. "I'm sorry I did not come sooner. I just was apprised of the situation. How is Lady John faring?"

"She is understandably shaken," John said, quietly, "and devastated. But trying to be brave and not giving into despair. Going in between hoping for the best and being realistic that hoping for the best might not be a rational endeavor."

"That dear child," Tryon said, "What an awful ordeal for everyone."

"Indeed," John said.

"Is Lady John inside? May I see her?" Tryon asked.

"Of course, I'm sure she would welcome it," John said.

He led Tryon into the Big House and into the room where Eleanor was rocking Hope. Claire, Jamie and Jocasta were with her.

"Governor Tryon," Eleanor looked up, surprised. She tried to rise, but Tryon waved her off.

"No, you must stay where you are," Tryon said, "Hope looks very comfortable in her mother's arms."

"Thank you," She nodded.

"You're welcome. Mistress Fraser. Mistress Cameron. Colonel Fraser," He greeted them with a nod. He took a nearby chair and sat down next to her, "Is there anything I can do for Hope or for you? Name it. I wish to do something...anything."

Eleanor's eyes filled with tears, "Thank you, that is very kind of you, but I think all we can do is wait at this point...she'll either wake up...or she won't."

"I'm so very sorry, dear Lady John, that you have to endure this," he said in a low voice.

"That means much, your excellency. I thank you for your kindness."

"Of course. I will ask Lord John to keep me apprised. And if there is anything you think that you might need, please send word."

"Are you leaving?" Eleanor asked, looking past him at Jamie.

"As soon as I..." he turned to glance at Jamie, "talk to Colonel Fraser. I'm sorry. I know this is such an inopportune time. The children must be worried about their sister."

"It is," She raised her chin and replied evenly, "but of course, the business of North Carolina cannot be affected by personal matters."

"And yet you willingly tried to divert my attention yesterday..." Tryon mused. "If you believed that to be true..."

"Well," Eleanor gave him a small smile, "that was for Mistress Mackenzie's benefit...as for my own, I do not ask you to refrain. You must do as you must. And so must Colonel Fraser."

"That is very practical of you, Lady John," Tryon said. "And exceedingly brave, considering the circumstances."

She gave him a smile and then looked to John, "I'm trying to be, but thank goodness I have Lord John to be so steady with me when my bravery fails me."

"Of course," Tryon gave John a smile, "He is the best friend to have."

"Indeed he is," Eleanor said, rubbing Hope's back. "In good times and bad."

"Take care of yourself, Lady John," Tryon reached out to lightly touch her arm, "I shall keep you in my prayers. And I look forward to the day I see you again...all of you, including young Hope."

She forced a smile, "Thank you, your excellency. I look forward to that as well."

Tryon rose and gave a slight bow before inclining his head to Jamie. "Colonel Fraser."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, looking at Claire briefly and then at Eleanor. His eyes held hers for a long minute before turning to follow Tryon, John's hand coming out and patting his arm as he passed him.

Eleanor closed her eyes tightly, "Oh God."

Claire looked at John and then came to sit next to Eleanor. She put a hand on her arm, holding it, comfortingly, "Jamie is a solider, Eleanor. And a good one at that. Do not fear for him."

"I dinnae think she only fears fer him," Jocosta said. "But also fer her lad's godfather."

"Mac needs his godfather now more than ever..." Eleanor said, softly. "What an awful mess."

"Excuse me," John said, "I'm going to go check on William. You will be well, won't you, dear?"

"Of course, I know William is upset," Eleanor said, as John leaned down to kiss her head and then rub Hope's head, before slipping out.

"Governor Tryon is verra attentive to ye, Ellie," Jocasta said.

"Yes, I suppose," Eleanor glanced at Claire.

"I wonder how Mistress Tryon feels aboot that," Jo mused.

"I think he misses her. She has been away to England for a while," Ellie responded, kissing the top of Hope's head.

"Aye, that must be it," Jo said, "Tread carefully, Eleanor."

"Believe me, I will," Eleanor said, looking down at Hope.

* * *

Eleanor stopped in her tracks as she heard the guitar playing and the Roger and the children singing _Jesus Loves Me_, the music filling the air.

Jamie's hand shot out to grab hers, holding it tight in his. They stood there, listening to the music, letting it wash over them.

_"What are ye singin to the bairn, mo ghraidh?" Jamie asked, with a kiss on her lips and then on Mac's head as Eleanor rocked Mac, who was fussing. _

_"I suppose it hasn't been written yet," she said, softly, "But children in church sing it in my time. I would sing it every night over Charlotte and Harry as I rocked them to sleep."_

_"Will ye teach it to me so I can sing it with ye to the bairn?" Jamie asked, reaching for her hand, pulling her up and leading her to the bed. _

_She sat on the bed with Jamie as he leaned against the headboard and engulfed her and Mac in his arms, holding them both. Eleanor turned their son and planted him on her knees so he could see them. He stopped fussing to stare at his parents. _

_"Okay, are you ready, Mac? Let's teach Da our song." Eleanor began singing to Mac, Mac staring at her wide eyed. Jamie began to join in for the second round and Mac broke out into a grin. _

_"He smiled!" Eleanor turned her head to look at Jamie. "A real, legitimate smile."_

_"Aye," Jamie laughed, "I canna sing, but apparently the bairn no minds."_

_"Of course he doesn't mind," Eleanor said, "And...you make me smile too, so I can't say I blame him."_

_"Do I now?" Jamie gently shifted her so he could stand. Leaning over the bed, he kissed Mac's head. "Come, leannan, to yer cradle. I wish to make yer Mama smile some more."_

Eleanor squeezed Jamie's hand in hers. "Do you remember the first time we sung this to Mac together?"

"Aye, of course, I do. I remember everythin about the time we had together raisin our bairns together. Twas a verra special time of my life."

"Are you ready to do this?" she asked him, quietly.

"Aye," Jamie didn't let go of her hand as he knocked on Bree and Roger's cabin door and pushed it open.

"Da! Mama!" The kids ran to them and Jamie scooped up Mac and Rosie as Eleanor picked up Sam.

"I trust they were well behaved," Eleanor said as she sat down with Sam.

"Aye, good as gold," Roger responded. "They love to sing."

Eleanor smiled, "Yes, they do."

"Can we sing favorite things next Mama?" Sam asked, his arms around her, kissing her cheek.

"I dinna ken that one, laddie," Roger said, reaching over to pat his head.

Eleanor looked between Bree and Roger, "You might have about ten years later."

"Will ye sing it fer us, Mama?" Mac asked.

Eleanor looked at Jamie who nodded.

"Only if you sing it with me," She said. "Are we ready?"

_Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens..._

They sung through the song together.

"What are some of yer favorite things, Da?" Sam asked, from Ellie's lap.

"Weel, that would be all my wee uns," Jamie said. "When I am sad, I think on ye."

Eleanor sniffed hard.

"Can we sing one more song, Mama?" Sam said.

"One more," Eleanor said, looking at Roger, "If Roger Mac will help."

"What do you want to sing, Eleanor?" Roger asked.

"Amazing Grace."

"Do ye ken that un?" Jamie asked.

"Aye, I ken that one," Roger said, picking up his guitar again.

_Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me..._

Eleanor closed her eyes and sung that song along with Roger, letting her heart be filled by the music and the peace it brought. The tears began to flow and she looked to Jamie, who reached across to wipe them away.

And when the song ended, Eleanor reached out to rub Mac's head and Rosie's and hold Sam tight. "Da and I have talk to you all about Hope."

"What is wrong with Hope?" Sam asked.

"When she went into the water, she stopped breathing," Eleanor said, "Even though Da and I tried to get to her as quickly as possible...and..." Eleanor's voice cracked, "she hasn't woken up yet..."

"Will she wake up?" Mac asked, his eyes wide.

"Sweetheart, we just don't know," Eleanor said, calmly.

Mac slid off of Jamie's lap. "It is all my fault!" he yelled, running out of the cabin.

Eleanor looked at Jamie, who let out a long breath and then stood quickly to follow his son. Brianna opened her arms for Rosie, who came running into her sister's arms. Eleanor gave Sam a kiss on the head, "Will you go and see Roger Mac for a bit? Help with Jemmy?"

"Aye, Mama," Sam said, sensing that he needed to behave. "Will Hope be okay?"

"I really pray so," Eleanor said, "We have to pray for her, okay, Sam. Pray really hard."

"Aye, I will, Mama," Sam said.

Eleanor hugged him tightly, "You are such a good boy, Samuel John. I love you."

"I love you too, Mama," Sam gave her a peck on the lips.

Eleanor sniffed hard again and then went to kneel beside Bree. "Rosie, you are going to stay with your sissy for a while, okay?"

Rosie nodded, her thumb in her mouth. Eleanor leaned over and Rosie gave her a hug. "I love you, Rosie."

"I miss sissy," Rosie said.

"My sweet baby girl, I know you do," Eleanor said.

"We'll all pray for Hope," Brianna said.

"Thank you," Eleanor rose. "truly."

"Of course," Roger nodded, his arm around Sam. "Ye dinna have to thank us, Ellie."

"I know, but thank you anyway." She reached for her shawl which had fallen when Mac ran out. She flung it around her, "I am going to find Jamie and Mac."

She didn't have to go far to see Jamie's arms engulfing her son, trapping him towards the ground as Mac flailed and sobbed against him. Jamie was murmuring to him in Gaelic, his voice tender. Eleanor stepped back, watching Jamie with their son, not wanting to interrupt...sensing that Mac needed Jamie at the moment more than he needed her.

"I should have been a better brother. Tis all my fault. She is goin to die and I will have killed her."

Jamie rocked him more, "No, that isna true, James."

"Tis verra true," Mac cried, "I should have watched her. I meant to watch her."

"We ken that."

"I wish it was me," Mac sobbed.

"No, we wouldna wish it to be ye," Jamie said, firmly, "And ye mustn't either."

"I wish ye would beat me...I'd deserve it."

"Aye, maybe that is true," Jamie said, seriously, "But tell me," Jamie firmly put a hand underneath Mac's chin, pulling it up, "Were you choosing to disobey Mama when she asked ye to watch Hope?"

"No," Mac said, "I thought she was with me."

Jamie nodded, his hand still firmly holding Mac's chin so he would look at him, "Beating ye isna going to make ye feel better, lad. And it would only break my own heart to do so. If it is deserved, I will...and I'm sure there will be a time when I will...even in spite of the grief yer mama will surely give me for it. But tis not the occasion fer it. Flogging yerself over this, James, it isna goin to make Hope wake up. We can only learn from here...and pray fer yer sister." Jamie let go over his chin and then opened up his arms again, "Come to me...I'm goin to hold ye until the pain can go away some, because perhaps if I bear it with ye, then ye can bear it better..." Mac crawled into Jamie's arms and Jamie held him tightly against him. "That's my gut lad."

"Did ye ken the first time I ever saw ye, James Mackenzie, I loved ye? Nah, that isna true, I loved ye even when ye were a wee bean sproutin in yer mama's belly. And I never thought that I'd be a father-I couldna be one to Brianna and then yer Mama came along and she opened up her big bonny heart to me and loved me so fiercely and gave me ye...she and I were both hurtin in our hearts, but ye were the gift that healed us...ye and Sam and Rosie..." Jamie paused, "And yer sister Hope."

"Da?" Mac sniffed against him, "Do ye ever wish we could be a family again? Ye and Mama and all of us?"

Eleanor leaned against a nearby tree, closing her eyes, tears threatening to erupt. She covered her mouth as she began to sob, trying to stifle the sounds so Jamie and Mac wouldn't hear her.

Jamie let out a long breath, "Tis all verra complicated ye ken. I love Claire and Brianna and the family I have with them, just as Mama loves Lord John and the family she is makin with him...but aye, I canna say that I havena thought about how I would do things differently. Ye see, James, we all have regrets in this life...things we shall have to atone for...and yer mama is surely one of them."

"Like I'll have to atone fer Hope?" Mac asked.

"Aye, maybe so," Jamie gripped him harder, "But we pray that God heals Hope and gives her the long life she deserves and yer mama and I desire fer her."

"And what aboot Mama?" Mac asked, with a wisdom beyond his years.

Jamie kissed Mac's head, "I dinnae ken. I pray that one day...in time...she'll forgive me...and I'll forgive meself."

They sat in quiet for another few minutes before Mac calmed down and Jamie quietly asked if he felt he could go join the others.

"Aye," Mac said.

"Then off ye go. I am goin to stay out here fer a moment longer," Jamie said. "I'll check on ye wee uns later tonight before bed. I love ye."

Mac gave him another hug, "I love ye too, Da."

Mac ran off seeing Eleanor, who put a finger to her lips and opened her arm for Mac. She hugged him and gave him a kiss on the head before shooing him off, back to the cabin.

She leaned against the tree, still watching Jamie, who was still in the dirt, his back facing away from her.

"Mo ghraidh," he asked, his voice quiet, his hands coming to rest on his knees.

Eleanor's heart twisted. "Yes, James?"

"How long have ye been standing there?"

"A while," she confessed.

"Aye," Jamie crouched over, his head to the ground. "I need to make a confession to ye if ye will hear it."

"What is it?" Eleanor said, her voice soft as she wiped her tears.

"I ken aboot Hope. Even if ye denied it, I ken she was mine...in my heart...from the moment, I set my eyes on her. I ken she was our daughter," Jamie's voice caught into a sob, "_And I denied her_."

Eleanor's heart ached at the sight of Jamie, who was so larger than life, shattered into tears. She had never really seen him cry like this and it broke her to see him broken. He began to sob and Eleanor pushed herself away from the tree to sit in the dirt next to Jamie.

"Jamie, no," She put her hand on his back, rubbing it. "Please don't. I can't see you cry like this. It breaks my heart."

"I am a horrible man, Eleanor. What I did to ye."

"Oh, God, no...our love has been one of the biggest blessings of my life," Eleanor said, "And it has given me four wonderful blessings that stemmed from it."

Jamie moved her head to bury it in her knees as Eleanor rubbed his head, like she would have done one of their wee uns.

"Will ye no ever forgive me?"

"I do forgive you, Jamie. I always have...maybe some days more than others...it is a struggle...but my biggest struggle is not being able to forgive you...it's not being able to stop loving you. And knowing that I have a marriage with a man that I do love and admire so much...but my heart will always be pulled in your direction. Sometimes it is a gentle pull and other times like today, it's a giant yank...and try as I might, I am helpless to stop it from occurring...how can I be-when we share so much together?"

"Aye, I ken how ye feel fer I feel the same way. I canna stop either," Jamie raised his head to look at her. "I am sorry, lass...fer it all."

"I know," she nodded. "Come, will you walk me back? I can't bear to be this long away from Hope if she needs me."

"Aye, of course," Jamie said, wiping his eyes and then rising and helping Ellie up. "But first...fer the sake of what we have shared and the comfort ye and I both need, will ye no...come close and let me hold ye once more?"

She nodded as Jamie opened up his arms to embrace her. They stood there for a few minutes, allowing themselves to give in to what they couldn't deny, but keenly aware of the line they could not ever cross again.

"I want Hope baptized," Eleanor said, and after a long pause, added, "As _John's_ daughter."

"Tis not what ye want," Jamie said, still holding her close. "Ye are doin that fer me."

"Please allow me to. We can't go back. And I know you do love Claire so much...you two were made for each other."

"And what aboot ye and Lord John?" Jamie asked, his voice catching.

"He's my kindred spirit," Eleanor said, "He compliments my heart in ways I didn't know possible. I will be fine, Jamie. And if the worst happens, then I will not destroy your marriage to give my soul peace."

"Ye have become so fierce and so brave," Jamie pulled away from her, cupping the side of her face with his hand, "Ye shouldn't ever think ye are no as gut as a wife or mother as anybody else. Ye make me want to be better too...fer our bairns."

Eleanor smiled at him, "I'm glad we were able to talk. And for the record, I should have told you from the moment you looked at me in Jamaica and asked me how far along I was."

Jamie reached out to wipe her tears away with the pad of his thumb, "I dinnae blame ye fer not trusting me with that information."

"Will Mac be okay?" Eleanor asked, softly, changing the subject for she did not know how to respond to that.

"Aye, in time," Jamie said. "The poor lad."

"You are such a good father, James Fraser. I'm so grateful that you are on this crazy journey of parenting with me...even if it is not how we anticipated. Our wee ones need you...your love, your acceptance, your understanding...and yes, even sometimes your discipline."

"That means alot, Ellie, to hear ye say that," Jamie said. "Now, lets go back and see our bairn."

* * *

Eleanor rocked Hope non stop for the next several hours as day turned into night. She was on the brink of exhaustion but she wouldn't let Hope go from her arms, sensing that it was where she need to be.

Finally, John knelt down beside her and told her firmly, "You go and lay down. I can hold Hope for a while. I cannot stand to see you so shattered. You can barely hold your head up. You will do nobody any favors by getting ill yourself."

Eleanor bit her lip and nodded.

"Good girl," John smiled at her and Eleanor reached for his hand. John took it and kissed it, sweetly.

"May I ask you a question before I do?" she said, softly.

"You certainty may," John said, still holding her hand.

"Do you have regrets?"

"If I do, you would never be one of them," John said, quietly. "I am here with you, Eleanor. As your husband. As your lover. As your friend. And I will remain by your side for the rest of my days...no matter what comes. And I accept you, dearest wife of mine, no matter what you are feeling...and no matter whom you are feeling it for."

She closed her eyes and then shifted Hope so she could lean forward and bury her head in the crook of his neck. "I don't deserve you, Lord John Grey. Not by a long shot will I ever deserve you."

"You do," John said, "I've been very proud of you today, Lady John. And I am honored to be your husband. But...it would only be natural if considering the circumstances, your heart was flocking towards Jamie and his towards yours. No matter what has happened in the past two years, this is the child that was made out of the love that you share."

"I know," Eleanor raised her head and then titled to kiss him gently. "But I told Jamie I want to baptize Hope tomorrow...as your daughter."

John paused, "I think that is what we must do...for Jamie's sake. There is no reason to damage his relationship with Claire until we know."

She nodded. "That is what I told him." She opened her eyes, "You should have seen Mac, John. It was heartbreaking- him sobbing in Jamie's arms."

John let out his breath, "That dear boy. I can try to talk to him tomorrow as well. Maybe William and I can take a walk with him."

She smiled at him, "I'm sure he would love that. Are you certain you are okay with Hope?"

"Of course I am," John said, titling his head, "I am her Papa, am I not?"

"Yes, you are," Eleanor said, leaning to kiss him again gently on the lips before gently transferring Hope into his arms.

* * *

"Do ye need anythin?" Jamie asked, rubbing his eyes, his hair tousled, a glass of water in his hand. "Where is Ellie?"

"I sent her to bed. She is exhausted," John said, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he wiped at his eyes. "I didn't not think you would be up."

"Don't be," Jamie sat down across from him. "I dinnae ken what woke me. I felt the need to see Hope. Is there no change?"

"No," John said, "she is breathing, but she hasn't moved." He patted her back, "I'm so used to getting pummeled by an elbow or knee or hand when she crawls into our bed. Seeing her so still sleeping, it's troublesome."

"Does she crawl in yer bed often?" Jamie asked, sitting down across from him.

"Yes," John said, smiling through his tears, "She and all the little Frasers from time to time. I feel like Eleanor and I are constantly putting one or the other back in their own beds. But Hope the most."

"How are ye doin, John?" Jamie asked John quietly.

"I fear my heart...I do not know if I can bear it if Hope dies. Eleanor needs me to be steady and strong. She looks to me so often and I want to fulfil that need of hers, but if Hope perishes..."

"Eleanor kens that ye are all those things fer her, but it doesna mean that she wants ye to shield what ye are feelin from her. I would think the way I ken Ellie, she would want quite the opposite."

"We have both seen men die before, Jamie...we have both lost people we've loved, but for it to be your child..."

"It's different," Jamie said, "How canna it not be?"

"I offered to be Eleanor's husband and Hope's father because it was the honorable thing to do...and because I was genuinely fond of Eleanor...but I never expected to feel what I do...for her and for Hope...and all the Frasers. And she has always been such a spirited little one from the very first days of life...full of spunk, but sweet, just like her mama."

_"What are you doing out here?" John asked, "It's the middle of the night and you should not be out of bed in your condition."_

_"It is so hot inside," Eleanor said, quickly grabbing a blanket and covering herself and Hope, "And Hope wouldn't settle to nurse with it being so hot."_

_Hope began to scream under the blanket, flailing her arms. _

_"Are you certain she can breathe under there?" John asked, frowning. _

_"Yes, I am," Eleanor said, "She just doesn't like it...because...you know...it's hot as hades out here."_

_John chuckled and then reached to grip the blanket, "For God's sake, let the child out. I will avert my eyes."_

_Eleanor blushed. "Good Lord. The proper Lord John, in the presence of a nursing mother. Is the world ending?"_

_"You have such a diverting sense of humor, Ellie," John said, dryly, going to sit next to her and being careful to stare out into the night sky, the light of the lantern forming a shadow over them. "We are engaged, you know. Other engaged couples...well, it wouldn't be abnormal..."_

_She shifted, wincing. _

_"Does it pain you that much to talk about?" John asked, quietly. _

_"No, it's not that. It's not you. It's just...blast it, John Grey. Nursing hurts at first until you adjust. Like really bad. And Hope is demanding. Jenny would always help with herbs and such to ease the pain, but I don't have anything. And she won't stop crying. And...I'm..just...so...very... tired. I don't feel great. Hope's birth was not easy...and everything hurts."_

_John frowned, "I should have insisted that you have help until you recover fully. Le__t Susanna take her for a while so you can sleep. We can find a nurse for the baby."_

_"I can't let her out of my sight," Eleanor sobbed, "Not after what happened to the others."_

_"The others are safe," John reached for her hand, kissing it. "Sweetheart. You need sleep. Is she done?"_

_Eleanor nodded, "Yes, finally...she is asleep. She should be asleep for a while."_

_"Then do allow me to take her for a while."_

_Eleanor looked reluctant. "Are you certain? It is the middle of the night. And I do not even know if I could sleep-it is so hot in there."_

_"Then," John patted the porch seat, "Fall asleep here. I can go get a blanket for you to lay on. I'll stay here with Hope."_

_"Are you certain?" Eleanor said. _

_"Do you trust me with her?"_

_"Of course, I do, John. I love seeing her with you."_

_"I'll wake you if she does anything unseemly," John said, with a smile. "Now lay down Madam Fitzgibbons. Hope Emmeline and I shall become better acquainted."_

_"Okay," Eleanor said, sliding down and falling asleep almost immediately, with a not so lady like snore, causing John to chuckle. _

_He carefully juggled Hope in his arm as he went inside to retrieve a blanket. He knelt down, balancing Hope to put a blanket under Ellie's head. He rested his hand on her head, "Marriage will be a delight with you, Eleanor, dear." He rose to sit back on the bench with Hope against his chest. "What do you think, Hope?"_

_Hope opened her eyes and John looked down, "Oh dear, you are awake." He frowned, "Mama said you would sleep." He shifted her so she was against his legs looking up at him. Her eyes were wide as she looked at him and then looked around the porch, taking it all in. _

_"You are inquisitive, are you not?" John said, smiling at her, "Go ahead and take in the world, little one. Your Papa is right here with you."_

"What are ye thinking aboot?" Jamie asked, quietly.

John cleared his throat, "There was one night in Jamaica days after Hope was born. Eleanor was exhausted and I took Hope on the porch while Eleanor fell asleep. She was so inquisitive that night, wide eyed and curious. And it was in that moment, that I was entirely certain about my decision even as difficult as I knew it would be...raising five children and navigating...well, you and Eleanor..."

"For what it is worth," Jamie said, "Eleanor was right. She needed you. Thank ye fer lovin her when I cannot."

John kissed Hope's head and then looked to Jamie, "That's not entirely true. You do love her. We all know that. And she loves you. Jamie..." John looked troubled. "Say the word...and we will blow this up. And if in the process, it leads Eleanor back to you, I will give her back to you. Because God help me, I desire both of your happiness more than my own..."

Jamie leaned his head down on his hands, "Do ye think I can make her happier than ye do?"

"I don't know," John said, honestly. "At one time, yes, but..." He shrugged.

"I dinnae ken I can...even if we would do so...she and I have so many wounds to heal. I dinnae ken if it would ever be the same between us." He shook his head, "No, I dinnae ken what the solution is, but I dinnae think tis that. We are marrit to other people before God...and that must be honored."

John nodded, "But, if that ever changes...you say the word. And we will never say anything on this again, but the offer will remain for as long as I live...if that is what Eleanor and you both want. And if not, I will remain by her side, honoring her and the relationship we have built...and treasuring the joy she brings me."

"I ken ye will," Jamie nodded and then stood, "Are ye certain I canna get ye anythin?"

"Perhaps, check on Ellie, before going back to bed? Make sure she isn't awake and crying or anything like that."

"Of course," Jamie nodded. "Goodnight then, John."

"Goodnight, Jamie."

* * *

"Are you ready, Eleanor?" John asked, bending down to whisper in her ear. Eleanor looked up at John, gathering strength from his steady gaze and small smile. He leaned down to kiss Hope's curls.

They came out the bedroom to the living room, Eleanor still carrying Hope. The whole Fraser family was gathered around. Jamie was holding Rosie in his arms, his hand on Mac's shoulder. Fergus had Sam, encircled with a steady arm. Roger stepped forward with a small bowl of water in his hands.

"Are ye quite certain?" Roger asked. "There is a priest encamped. We can ask him fer it to be done properly. I was only raised by a minister."

"I know that," Eleanor nodded, "but I do think the Lord will honor it."

"Verra well," Roger responded, opening his small book that he had taken with him on this journey. He cleared his throat, Lord John's arm came around Eleanor, circling her as she held the child that was the child of his own heart. From the moment that Eleanor put Hope in his arms, he made the choice to love her and as the months passed, he realized it needn't have been a choice- Hope was so easy to love and dote on, much like her mama...and her brothers and sister.

Roger began to ask the question from the Book of Common Prayer.

_Will you be responsible for seeing that the child you present is brought up in the Christian faith and life?_

Eleanor's heart felt like it was being split in two as John's grip tightened around her for the both knew the weight of their words. _Would their daughter even have the chance?_

John whispered in her ear as tears splattered down her face. "You named her for a reason, my love. You must be strong right now."

Eleanor took a breath, "We will, with God's help."

_Do you renounce Satan and all the spiritual forces of wickedness that rebel against God?_

"We renounce them." Eleanor's voice was but a whisper, joining John's stronger voice.

_Do you turn to Jesus Christ and accept him as your Savior?_

"We do.."

_Do you put your whole trust in his grace and love?_

Eleanor glanced at Jamie's whose face was white. He was struggling, just as much as her and John. She looked away and then couldn't help but return to his face.

He mouthed to her, his head titled. "We do." He was saying it with them...as Hope's own father.

"We do." Eleanor's voice was stronger, her eyes still on Jamie. Claire looked between the two of them, her face strained as well.

"What is the bairn's full name?" Roger asked.

Eleanor cleared her throat, "Hope Emmeline," she paused and swallowed hard, "Gr-"

"No." Claire's voice was quiet, but they all heard her. "This isn't right. She should be baptized as a Fraser."

"Mama," Bree whispered.

Eleanor breathed in a quick breath, in utter shock and then turned and buried her head in John's shoulder, trying to compose herself, but failing miserably. It was her heart's desire for Hope to have Jamie's name as part of her own- for Jamie to be claimed as her father even if John loved her as a Grey.

"Claire," Jamie turned to his wife.

"It's not the time, Jamie," Claire said, quietly, "but this child cannot be denied any longer. She looks so much like Bree as a baby, it's uncanny. I don't want there to be any regrets. And I do not think the truth will ever lead to regrets."

"Aye," Jamie said slowly.

John coughed, "Jamie," he inclined his head as he met the eyes of his friend. Jamie gave Rosie to Brianna and Claire wrapped her arms around Mac, who had started to cry.

Jamie stepped over to where John was standing with Eleanor.

"May I have our daughter, mo ghraidh?" Jamie asked her in a low voice.

She lifted her head from John's shoulder. "Of course, you may." She carefully handed Hope to Jamie.

Jamie tenderly kissed Hope's head as he held her gently. "Hope Emmeline Grey Fraser is what the child should be baptized as...if Lord and Lady John have no objections."

"You wish her to have my name as well?" John asked, his voice holding his shock. "Are you certain, Jamie?"

"Aye" Jamie said, nodding, "Ye cared fer and loved the child while I couldna. All of the bairns...As with Samuel, I'd be honored if another un of my bairns carries yer name."

Eleanor glanced at John, whose eyes were on Jamie for another moment, shining with deep affection, before he turned his gaze upon her, to look at her tenderly.

"Verra well," Roger said, "Hand me the bairn then."

Jamie handed Roger Hope and then took the small bowel of water. Roger scooped some water in his hand and placed it on Hope's forehead, "Hope Emmeline Grey Fraser, I baptized ye in the name of the Father, and of the son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."

"Amen..." was echoed in a chorus. Roger handed the Hope back to Jamie.

"There is one more thing I must do. Hold the bairn, Eleanor," Jamie said, handing Hope to Eleanor.

"What is it?" Eleanor asked as Jamie took out his knife and cut his finger, smearing it on Hope's forehead. "Hope Emmeline Grey Fraser, ye are blood of my blood and bone of my bone. I claim ye as my daughter from this day until forever. And I promise ye that there will never be a day or night that goes by that I will ever deny ye as mine again."

"Oh James," Eleanor's face crumpled. She shifted Hope and then reached her arm for him. She sobbed as his arms surrounded her and Hope. They remained that way from what seemed like forever that neither of them registered a slightly shift in Hope's posture until they heard,

"Mama, you sad?"

Jamie pulled away from her as Eleanor turned her head to meet Hope's eyes. There were open, the big blue eyes that mirrored her own shining back at her.

"Mama cryin?" Hope asked. "Mama sad?"

"No my darling, I'm so very happy now." She said, her smile wide. "You are awake! We were all so worried, my love."

Tears streamed down Jamie's face. "It is a miracle, Ellie," he said, leaning over to kiss Eleanor's head.

"The greatest miracle of my life," she said, softly.

* * *

"How is the bairn?" Jamie asked as Claire changed her diaper and then listened to her heart and lungs. Hope had fallen back asleep for a while, but she was moving in her sleep and clearly it was different. Nighttime had fallen and Claire took the baby one more time to examine her.

"How are you feeling, Hope?" Claire asked as she sat her up.

"I wanna cookie."

"Well," Claire put a hand on her arm, "You gave us quite a scare, young lady, but I do think you are well on your way to healing. But no cookies quite yet."

Hope began to pout and Eleanor grinned back at John, whose arms were wrapped around her waist.

"That is a good sign indeed," John said, grinning back at her, his eyes shining. He sideswept Eleanor to hold out his arms to Hope.

"Come to Papa, darling," he said, "Marsali is fixing you some broth and Papa will feed it to you." He kissed her cheek affectionately a bunch of times and Hope giggled.

He left the room with her and Eleanor shifted, "Thank you, Claire."

Claire nodded, fiddling with her supplies.

"I should go."

"I think you should stay," Claire said. "I think we should all get this out in the open."

Eleanor looked to Jamie, "I rather think it is between you and Jamie."

"Did John know?" Claire asked.

"Of course he did," Eleanor said. "I told John the day Hope was born and he asked me to marry him. I would not keep that from him- not something that important and enter a marriage with him."

"And yet you didn't tell Jamie until in the river? Two years after you told Lord John?"

"I'm not Jamie's wife anymore," Eleanor said, her voice clipped.

"It is his child," Claire said, "You should have told him!"

Eleanor was taken aback, "That is so easy for you to say and judge. Yes, I should have told him. I agree. And I didn't...because I was scared and hurt and angry. But _that_ matter is between me and Jamie," she said, softly. "And for the peace of our family, we will work that out together. But I certainly don't owe you any further explanation."

"Considering Hope was conceived in the first place with my husband, I feel like you do."

"This is not Eleanor's fault," Jamie said, firmly. "Ye canna blame her. We thought ye were dead."

"And so what did she do? Just offer herself to you? To comfort to you?" Claire asked, her eyes heated as Eleanor began to back out of the room. "Don't go, Ellie!" Claire snapped. "I'm not done with you."

"I didn't do anything wrong!" Eleanor shot back, heatedly. "I gave you back Jamie! I didn't have to do that! Do you know how freaking hard these past few years have been? It isn't like I didn't love him! It isn't like I didn't treasure the family we made...after I was ripped away from my own children and stuck in this time. Giving Jamie back his marriage was because I love him!" She began to sob, breathless under the weight of it all.

"Mo ghraidh," Jamie's voice was gentle, "You must calm yerself. Ye have been through an ordeal these past two days." He turned to Claire, "Sassenach, Eleanor doesna need this right now. She's right-it's between ye and I, not her. I will not have ye put any blame on her shoulders."

"Or won't you?" Claire asked, her eyebrows raised.

"You are making me sound like I am some awful person," Eleanor shot back, "And I'm not, Claire! I'm not some awful person. Jamie was in a horrible place that day. Murtagh practically forced me into Jamie's bed because Jamie was so distraught he was going to get himself arrested or killed! And you didn't have to choose to go on the ship, Claire. _But you choose that_. And we thought it had sunk. So...I didn't wrong you. If I wronged anyone it was Murtagh, and he didn't care. And as for Hope...I wasn't going to destroy your relationship with Jamie to have him claim Hope. And yes, I did lie to him...but that is between Jamie and I...and if you are pissed off that I did sleep with him, then you have your right...but I have a right to be pissed off that you didn't choose to leave and I had to give up my husband and the three children we shared together suddenly had their family broken up because your and Jamie's love transcends every damn thing. So back off, damn it, Claire! _I am not your enemy_."

Claire looked heated, but then relaxed and then said quietly, "You're right. You don't owe me anything."

She nodded, "I am sorry though, Claire, if this hurts you. I wouldn't want that. I really wouldn't. I do care for you in spite of everything." She looked to Jamie, "Can I go now?"

"Aye," Jamie said. "I will see ye later."

Eleanor bit her lip and then turned but Claire's voice stopped her.

"Eleanor?"

"What?" Eleanor turned back.

"Make sure Hope doesn't eat too much."

"Of course," Eleanor said.

"And," Claire shifted, "You shouldn't have to keep sacrificing yourself for me. I hope you know that. You have a right to be honest about everything. You have been really gracious about all of this, but if the roles were reversed, I'd be pretty pissed too."

"Thank you for that," she said, softly.

Claire nodded and then Eleanor left, shutting the door of Claire's surgery behind her.

"Did you suspect?" Claire said, quietly.

Jamie nodded. "But Eleanor told me she dinnae ken."

"But she did," Claire said.

"Aye, she did," Jamie said. "I wronged the lass in so many ways, I cannot begrudge her fer this. She dinna trust me to tell me and after what we have been through together, I canna blame her."

"I know, Jamie, that you still love her. And it's clear that she does too. I thought you would learn not to love her, but I understand why you two can't just erase the feelings and history you did have because of the children you share constantly bringing you back together. You need to be a family with her. And before you say anything, I know you love me. And I am confident in that. But you have to be truthful with me...do not lie to me. Because that is something that I will not ever be able to understand. Do you hear me?"

Jamie nodded.

"What will you do now that Hope has woken up?"

"Weel, I dinnae ken. I suppose that tis something ye and I...and Ellie and John have to figure out. How to explain all of this to the wee uns, especially Hope, who is no too fond of me."

Claire gave a small smile, "She feels different even at two than her brothers and sister. She will come around and in another few months, she'll be calling you Da and running up to you for hugs and kisses like the rest of the precocious Fraser brood." She paused, "Do you feel things are more settled between you and Eleanor?"

Jamie nodded, "The truth needed to come out for all of our sakes. We are still working through that, but Eleanor is right, for the peace of our family, we are committed to finding understanding with each other."

Claire paused, "Then at least that is positive."

Jamie let out a breath, "But now that Hope is well, there is the matter of Tryon and Murtagh and Lieutenant Knox still being here."

"What will you do?" Claire asked, frowning.

"I dinnae ken yet," Jamie said.

"Well," Claire began to clean up her surgery, "Whatever you do decide to do, you need to keep Eleanor informed. You have to make her be at peace with this. She isn't used to war like we are."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, studying his thumb carefully, which still had the mark from where he had cut it earlier in the day, "I think perhaps..."

"Perhaps what?" Claire asked.

Jamie looked up, with a determined tilt of his, "If Tryon wants a Scot, than he shall have a Scot."

* * *

Eleanor's eyes were fixated on Jamie, her breath nearly taken away at the sight of him. She had never seen him in his kilt before and it stirred at her very core because she knew how much this moment meant to him.

Claire had followed behind him and Jamie had stepped to her for a moment, leaning into her ear to whisper, "Remain by Claire, mo ghraidh, with our bairns and the rest of our family."

She nodded at him as he reached for the torch, calling out the men to gather around.

"Mama," Mac's hand tugged at her, "What is Da doing?"

Brianna came up to Mac's side, Roger beside her. Roger's hand went out to Mac's head, placing it on it.

"Just watch, laddie," Roger said, his voice low.

"I scared, sissy," Rosie tugged on her sister's skirts and Brianna leaned down to pick her up.

"Do not be afraid, leannan," Bree said, "I have you." She gave Rosie a kiss, holding her close.

"Claire," Eleanor murmured as Hope slept against her. "What is Jamie up to?"

"He's calling the clan," Claire said softly. "Preparing for the future."

"For war?" Eleanor asked, under her breath.

"If it comes to it," Claire responded. "Tryon wants a militia."

Eleanor's eyes crossed the fire to John, who met her eyes. This was the Jamie Fraser he knew...and loved. The natural born leader...the Scot that he met when he was a teenage boy. He gave her a small smile, his eyes shining, knowing he had been caught...and she smiled at him back.

Jamie looked to John and inclined his head towards Sam.

John leaned down to give Sam a word and he went over to cross the grass to stand beside Fergus.

"Why is Da wearing a dress?" Sam asked Fergus.

All the adults immediately hushed him and Fergus placed his hand on Sam's shoulder, protectively.

"It's a kilt," Marsali said. "Ye dinnae ken because the English outlawed them."

Jamie had overheard his youngest son and Eleanor could tell it upset him, but he had a job to do. He took the torch and lit the cross, it going up in a glorious flame.

Eleanor chewed on her lip, feeling uncomfortable with the imagery, but still fixated by Jamie who was mesmerizing.

Jamie looked between Claire and Eleanor to Brianna and then Fergus and then back to hers. His eyes rested on hers. He held her gaze for a moment, and then nodded at her. He sensed her conflict.

Jamie was calling then men to war...the war with the regulators was one thing, but Ellie knew what was to come. Mac would be fourteen when the declaration of independence was enacted. It would be conceivable in the war years that follow, he could choose to fight at least at the tail end of it. She knew that both of them were thinking on it. And William...the boy who has now become the child of her heart...he could fight throughout the years. And it was even conceivable that the boys would choose opposing sides.

She tore her eyes away from Jamie to look at John, who had overseen the exchange between Ellie and Jamie. John put his arm around William who was fixated on Jamie, curiosity etched throughout his features. Sam and Mac began to squirm, it being so close to their bed time. Rosie rested her head on Brianna's shoulder.

Eleanor looked back to John, who leaned down to say something to William and discreetly weaved through the gathering to Eleanor's side. He knelt down to give Sam a word of reproach for his loud questions that he was asking Fergus about what Jamie was doing.

His hand reached for hers, twining it in hers. She squeezed his hand, grateful that he had come to her side, as Roger came to make his oath to Jamie.

* * *

It was much later that Jamie and her had tucked the boys and Rosie into their beds in the big house that Jamie inclined his head.

"Will ye take a walk with me, lass?" he asked.

She nodded. He handed her a shawl off the hook.

Jamie turned to John, "Ye dinna mind if I take yer wife fer a few minutes, John?"

"Of course not," John said, him in conversation with Claire. Eleanor shifted Hope, who was sleeping. "I should put her down if we are going for a walk."

"Aye," Jamie nodded and Eleanor looked weary.

"I'll hold her, Ellie," Claire stood. "Until you return." Hope had slept throughout the day but her times awake, she was much like herself. Still...after the past two days and the heartbreaking ordeal she went through, she couldn't bear for Hope not be watched carefully. Claire understood that.

"Thank you." She careful transferred Hope to Claire.

"Of course," Claire nodded at Jamie as she shifted the blanket so it covered Hope better. She knew that he had to make sure that Eleanor was aware of what was happening. For as much as it affected her, it affected Eleanor as well.

They walked past the fires still burning, Jamie's kilt moving effortlessly as he walked.

"I have never seen you in a kilt before," Eleanor said as she and Jamie walked.

"Aye," Jamie said, giving her a soft smile. "It has been a verra long time."

"You were laird tonight...it was like..." she turned to him, "this is what should have been. You were born to lead, Jamie."

"I canna say what should have been or no, but Eleanor," Jamie touched her arm gently, "ye must ken and prepare yerself for it. I will be called to fight. The time has come. I have a duty to do."

"I know," Eleanor swallowed hard, "The war with the regulators is one thing, Jamie, but..."

"Mo ghriadh," Jamie turned to her, "I ken there will be a war that is coming where our lads could be affected."

"They were so enraptured with you, Jamie, they would have sworn their oath to you tonight. I had to hold them back."

"Aye," Jamie chuckled, "I ken. Our wee lads. They do my heart a world of gut, lass."

"I don't know if I can do this," Eleanor twisted her sapphire ring. "What if something happens to you...or to Fergus...or Roger? What if John gets mixed up in this? And what if God Forbid, the children _do_ follow you into the coming war? I mean they will still be young, but Mac could possibly fight for a year or two...and Willie most definitely."

"They will have to, lassie," Jamie said, "I ken that isna what ye want to hear, but I must prepare them as boys to fight as men. Lord John will help. And above all, I must teach them of their heritage, of their name, of their clan. I dinna wish to lose myself in this new land. Sam dinna even ken where he has come from. Ye and I have done a poor job of it."

"But I do not know it as well, James," Eleanor said, "But I want you to...because clearly it means alot to you."

"Aye, tis so," Jamie said. "Ye looked scarrit tonight."

"Not of you, of course. For what it is worth, if I was a man, I'd have pledged my loyalty to you tonight."

Abruptly, he turned to face her, the wind blowing her hair and her dress billowing. Her shawl had fallen off one arm and flapped against her in the wind. "Give me yer hands."

She put both of her hands in his. "I canna say what the future might hold, fer our family, but ken...ye will always have a place here...at the Ridge. And as long as I have breath, ye will be a part of my soul. I pledged my loyalty to ye many moons ago, and I will be held fast to the vow I made."

"I'm really scared. It all seems real now. I don't know if I am strong enough for this. Hope nearly shattered me."

"Ye _are_ ready. Ye are brave. Ye are fierce. And ye are so verra strong, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, his eyes fixed on hers. _"Je suis priest, Eleanor._"

She took a shuddering breath, "_Je Suis Priest_."

He smiled at her in the dark, "Now there is one more thing we must do before I go off and muster the militia..."

"What is that?" she whispered.

* * *

Hope threw the flowers down the makeshift aisle enthusiastically, much to the amusement and giggles of all who had gathered.

She got to the end and dropped her basket, clapping, "Hope throw flower! I did it!"

Jamie knelt down on one knee to greet his daughter, "Aye, leannan. Ye did a gut job of it as weel."

He reached out for her hand, kissing it.

Eleanor wrapped her arm around Hope, "You were perfect!" she laughed. "Good girl!"

"Hope a good girl!" she squealed in delight, clapping again.

"Aye, ye are, lass." Jamie smiled, smoothing down her curls, lovingly.

"Can you say thank you?" Eleanor asked, kissing Hope's head, "It was his idea."

"Thank you," Hope said, sweetly, smiling at him. "Jay...me."

"Yer welcome," Jamie paused and then leaned down to kiss her head. "But, Hope, how aboot ye call me Da like her brothers and sisters?"

"Da?" Hope asked, frowning.

"Aye," Jamie smiled, his eyes shining.

"Why?" Hope asked.

"Because yer my blood, leannan," Jamie said, simply.

"Hope cut her finger?" Hope asked, her frown deeper, "Look like Da?"

Eleanor collapsed into giggles, plopping right in the dirt from where she was crouching.

"Verra graceful, lass," Jamie admonished.

Hope was still studying her finger, contemplatively.

"She is a Fraser alright," John said from his spot, holding Rosie, his eyes delighted at how well his daughter was looking and amused at his wife's reaction to Hope's antics.

"Aye, she is," Jamie responded, his smile wide.

Claire came to crouch down beside Hope. "Guess what?" she whispered to Hope.

"What?" Hope asked, eyes wide.

"Every flower girl deserves a cookie," Claire said, "I made some just for you, Hope."

Hope clapped some more, "Yaaay!"

"She may be a Fraser, but she talks just like her mama," Jamie quipped and Eleanor poked at him.

"Very funny, James Fraser." She took John's hand as he came to her side to help her up. Jamie rose too, watching Claire take Hope by the hand, laughing with the others as they went inside for cookies. "She is going to take the world by storm one day."

"Aye, I dinnae doubt it, because she also has yer blood coursing through her," Jamie said. "She is goin to give her husband hell un day."

Eleanor rolled her eyes and gave Jamie a smack, before kissing John gently on the cheek and following the others, leaving the two men behind.

"Thank you fer sharing her again with me," Jamie said, quietly. He paused, "Hope that is," he added.

John watched his wife's retreating form. "You're welcome...on _both_ accounts." He looked to Jamie, "You and Eleanor fighting your past is only making our future difficult. If you and Eleanor become close again, it will only end up bringing peace to our family. I trust you both, so it doesn't matter to me..."

"Ye are verra wise, Lord John," Jamie said.

"I am indeed," John gave him the side eye.

Jamie laughed and patted him on the arm, "Gut man. Now let's go get some cookies before the bairns eat them all."

"Oh goodness, I can only imagine how spirited they will be before bed with their bellies full of cookies," John said, "I do hope you and Claire can be on parenting duty tonight."

"Oh, aye?" Jamie looked at him, amused, "Do ye have something ye wish to do tonight?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," John said, "Lady John needs some attention after this horrible ordeal. And a break, if she will part from Hope's side enough."

"Verra weel," Jamie said, "I dinna disagree. She would benefit from it. Just if ye wish to use the barn again, do give a man fair warning..."

John laughed, heartedly, as he followed Jamie inside.

**A/N: thoughts?**


	38. Chapter 38

**A/N: **A big thank you for all who have taken the time to review...and encourage me to keep writing! :)

This chapter...ahh...I feel like I should give you all a warning... :)

so part of the challenge in writing this story is to figure out how Ellie fits into the plot of the show and then where she affects or changes the plot. And there was one place she definitely fits into the plot considering her connections between both John (who is more present in the show in NC) and Jamie, but the result is a doozy. So...heed the warning and hopefully you all aren't too put out with me for it. :(

**Chapter 38:**

_**A few months**_** later:**

John put his hands behind him, folded, listening intently to what Jamie was telling him.

"Good God," he murmured, stricken. "I do not even know where to begin with this. I knew something was dreadfully wrong when she wouldn't look at me, but I didn't expect _this_."

"She dinnae ken how to tell ye," Jamie said, his voice low.

"I should think not," John retorted, "Great God in heaven." John fell quiet for a few minutes, Jamie and him continuing to walk in silence when abruptly, he turned towards Jamie, "Does she not think I would understand the predicament she was in? That I would trust the heart of the woman I know that I married? Though taking the risk in the first place was ill-conceived and the results..." he shuddered. "God help us."

"No, I think she kens ye will understand," Jamie said, evenly, "But part of her, doesna want ye to."

"Why on earth not?" John asked.

"Because it is easier fer her to thrash yerself over it to atone fer her guilt than to accept yer forgiveness. She blames herself fer all of it, especially the bairn. She thinks she has ruined yer marriage." He paused, and then asked, bluntly, "_Has she ruined yer marriage?_"

John paused again, frowning, the silence thick between them...

"I do not wish it to be so," he said, quietly, "But if I know my wife, the guilt she carries, will create a wedge betwixt us. It seems inevitable."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, seriously, "And ye mustn't let her."

John let out a long breath, "I need to sit a moment," he said. "Do you mind?"

"Of course not," Jamie said as John found a fallen log to sit. "Do ye wish me to leave?"

"No," John shook his head, swiftly, "Will you stay?"

"Aye," He nodded and then sat next to him on the log, the two falling silent again, Jamie keenly aware not to press John, but to let him process this news on his own.

Much later, John turned, "When it comes down to the crux of the matter, if I do not fight for her soul, then all the vows I made to her would be dishonored and the love I claimed I had for her, wouldn't have been love at all."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Tis the truth of it."

"And I do love her, Jamie," John said, quietly. "I always say I didn't know it possible to love a woman in the way that a husband loves a wife, but Eleanor...there is a specialness to her. I do love her in that way."

"Aye, I ken that weel," Jamie said, "She is easy to love."

"And so very hard to hate," John said. "Try as I might at this moment."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Tis true. But she is easy to get angry with. And if ye were, no un could fault ye fer it."

"Perhaps, for you," John said, with a raised eyebrow, "But she hardly ever raises my temper."

"Aye that was maybe reserved fer me," Jamie acknowledged, easily. "Ye arena angry at the lass?"

"No, I'm not. Even now, my temper is not raised at her," John said, "I'm just very sorry all of this happened and that she is hurting in this way. Though," John frowned, "I am a little beside myself that she would take the risk to begin with. But perhaps I should have heeded your warning about her and Tryon, Mister Fraser."

"No," Jamie said, "It is regrettable, but I dinnae ken how it was preventable. I will say this fer Eleanor..."

"Then you are defending Ellie in this?" John interrupted, skeptically.

"Aye, I canna help but defend her," Jamie said, "For while the choice was ill-conceived to begin with, she did it for our children- to protect our family, just as ye or I would have been apt to do. And once stuck in the situation, she did what she must to protect herself instead of thinkin her above it and makin a choice that would have surely ended with her bein accused of treason. And I have to say, I am proud of her fer not losin her heid and bein so brave aboot it. Fer if she dinnae, the conversation we would be havin right now would be entirely different."

"She must have been scared senseless," John said, quietly. "And perhaps that hurts me most of all. Knowing how scared she must have been...and desperate in that moment."

"Aye," Jamie said, "I ken she was. The thought of it pains me as weel."

"But besides all that, why wouldn't she have told me that she suspected herself to be with child?"

Jamie paused and then looked in John's eyes, "With her age, she ken weel that bearing another wee un was dangerous. I wouldna imagine she would be ready to admit that her days might be numbered. Hope's delivery must have spooked her more than she has let on. But I saw the look upon her face, John. She wants to share a child with ye, to look upon her bairn and see ye in him or her."

"I can't deny that I have wished it so myself," John whispered.

"Claire says it is possible," Jamie said, his voice low. "If that makes a difference."

John nodded. "What do I do?"

"As ye said before," Jamie reached out and put a hand on his knee, "If he love her the way ye say ye do, then ye must fight fer yer wife, John. Tis no other way aboot it."

"Would you?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, confidently. "I would."

John paused, "For Claire or Eleanor?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Both," Jamie said, "While Eleanor isna my wife any longer, why do ye think I am the un talkin to ye right now? It is fer the sake of the friendship ye and I have, but tis also because I canna bear Eleanor's heartbreak nor her shame. I will carry it fer her in any way I can...to help ease it, to make this life more bearable fer her to endure."

John froze and then nodded confidently, "Yes, I can see how that would be the case. But she is going to have to face this, with me...for us to heal. I am not angry with her, but in my mind, I cannot tolerate the image of her and Tryon. "

Jamie gave a small smile, "Aye, it isna a pretty sight, is it?"

"You feel it too?" John asked, wryly.

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "I think I almost put my hand through the wall when she told me. But the difference, I have no right to feel it, but ye have every right."

"Indeed," John let out a long breath and then stood, "Come. I must find Eleanor."

Jamie rose, "Aye, ye should."

* * *

**_A few weeks earlier_**

"What do you mean?" Eleanor asked John as they walked the gardens of Tryon's palace. Eleanor's gloved hands rested lightly in the crook of John's arm, her large hat tied prettily on her head, shielding her face from the bright sun.

"It's an errand that will only take a few days," John said, "But it an important matter...on behalf of the Crown."

"May I not come with you?" Eleanor asked, "or if not, can't you tell me what its about so I will not worry?" She let go of his arm, stopping in her tracks. He turned to face her, his eyes intently studying her.

John put his hands on her shoulders, "Eleanor, I don't think so, my darling."

"Should I go back to the Ridge then?" Eleanor asked, frowning. "I mean do you think the children are well?"

"I am certain they are fine with their family," John said, "It has been good for us to get away for a bit...by ourselves."

"I don't disagree," Eleanor said, gripping his arms, "Why won't you tell me?"

"Because," John raised his eyebrows at her petulant tone, but his own remained patient, "As much as I adore, admire and trust you, you have made your views quite clear on the Crown," his tone turned firm, "As such, I will not tell you. And while the endeavor is not dangerous per say, it will be a difficult journey and you would only slow me down. You shall remain here with Governor Tryon."

"Are you certain that is wise?" Eleanor asked, incredulously.

"We don't have much of a choice," John countered, "There are plenty of chaperones around and I will be back...two days perhaps. Hardly any time."

"Oh, very well," Eleanor grunted. "But I am not a petulant child that you cannot trust."

John smiled and then leaned to give her a kiss on the cheek, "Then stop pouting," he said, in her ear. "And acting like one."

He caught Eleanor's scowl out the corner of his eye and then sought to soothe the blow a bit, "For your information, I do not wish to leave you here. But I must. Be on your best behavior with Tryon...and do try not to get yourself in too much mischief while I am gone."

"I will strive to keep my opinions to myself," Eleanor leaned to kiss him again, "I'm sorry if I am acting whiny. Truth be told, I just don't want you to go. I like it when we are together."

"I know. Two days, Ellie. That's it. I'm leaving Tom and Susanna here with you."

"Oh very well," She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I love you, Lord John Grey."

"And I love you, Lady John," John gave her one last kiss, then gallantly bowed to her. "Until we meet again."

Eleanor laughed, delighted at the gesture, "Hurry back, my darling."

* * *

Eleanor fiddled with her pearls, agitated, and then reached for the wine, taking a small sip to ease her dry throat, "Did he just say the rolls from Ardsmuir?" she asked, causally after Tryon's secretary had whispered in his ear. Tryon was having another supper party. John was gone, and Eleanor was seated at Tryon's right hand side.

"Yes, indeed," Tryon said, wiping his mouth with his napkin. He leaned over to whisper to her, confidentially, "Just arrived. We will seal them up and send a rider to Knox. It was a brilliant idea for him to suggest looking at that for Fitzgibbons' whereabouts. There must be somebody aiding him for him to allude justice as he has done."

Eleanor fought the urge to panic. Her head suddenly felt very light. "Do you really believe so?" she asked, willing her voice to come out even. "Maybe he is simply good at hiding."

"Perhaps so," Tryon said. "I suppose I could have asked Lord John, but truth is, I didn't remember he had requested them until they came just now."

"I'm sure Lord John wouldn't remember every single detail of his time at Ardsmuir," Eleanor said, quietly. "I don't think he did much mingling with the prisoners."

"Ah, that is most likely true," Tryon confirmed, "which is very good that we have the rolls now...for record."

"Are you going to look at them yourself?" Eleanor asked, trying to act casual when her insides were going to mush.

"Well, I had undone them but I hadn't had the chance," Tryon confessed. "I am planning on leaving the matter to Knox as the business of the colony has kept me quite busy today."

"And my husband, apparently," Eleanor said, dryly.

"Now, Lady John," Tryon scolded, "You aren't put out with me about that, are you, my dear?"

"Perhaps just a tiny bit," Eleanor confessed. "Not that I don't enjoy your company. I just prefer when John is with me."

Tryon raised his glass to her, "To Lord John then."

Eleanor looked at him, suddenly turning calm, "To Lord John," she raised her glass.

* * *

Eleanor twisted her hair which was tied into a side ponytail with a thick blue ribbon. She was pacing the floor, after long retiring for the night. It was late and the house had finally settled in for the night, all except her. The lamp was dimmed, but she couldn't force herself to snuff it and go to bed.

Thoughts plagued her head. If only John was here...he would know what to do and how to go about this to protect Jamie. If Knox or Tryon...or anybody read that piece of parchment, Jamie would be branded as a traitor again...and his fate was unthinkable. She couldn't let that happen. She loved him too much...and their children adored him. It would be devastating...and to know she could have prevented it. She couldn't live with herself. She had to at least try.

"Lord Jesus, help me to be brave," Eleanor begged, looking up at the ceiling. She took another deep breath, "Okay, Ellie. You can do this. It's for your children...and for Jamie."

Before she lost her nerve, she quickly reached for the lamp and opened the door to her room.

* * *

Upon entering the library, Eleanor hurried across to Tryon's desk. She placed the lantern on it and began to look through the papers. Her heart was hammering through her chest, her anxiety out of control.

But as she was about to panic and run out of the room, she found them. They were right there. Just open on the desk.

With shaking hands, she picked up the parchments, shuffling through them. Until she found what she was looking for...

_James Alexander Fraser of Lallybroch_

She looked around for the ink bottle. _Maybe she could just make ink spill over onto it, covering Jamie's name. That would work well._

She felt like she couldn't breathe, every nerve in her body was heightened, sensitive to the stress she was under. But she forced herself to calm. _This was for Jamie...and her children. And she would fight for them, just as Jamie or John would fight for her._

"What are you doing?" a deep voice filled the room.

Eleanor nearly jumped, "Oh good Lord!" she squealed.

"I didn't mean to frighten you," Tryon said. "But I am curious of what you are doing here. It's late."

_She was going to be hung. Oh good Lord._

_"you have seen a man die before by hanging...the look of panic as we put the hood around him, knowing that in a few minutes he would be dead...choking and not being able to breathe, hoping that your neck would make a clean break and the pain would be short lived," he kissed all around her neck and Eleanor wiggled, "Tell me, Lady John, is that a fate you wish upon yourself?"_

John's words came flooding back into her mind- from that time in the barn when he tried to scare her with the consequences of spying in every glorious detail from that conversation. And she was terrified.

_"My dear," John took her cape of her, hanging it on the hook. "if you wish to spy, then you can find yourself doing things that you never thought you would be willing to do." He turned her around, kissing her neck as he got her buttons. "Making sacrifices…for the good of the cause...and in some cases," he paused as he pushed down her dress and then began to untie her corset, "to save your own neck." He tossed the corset. He reached to rub his hands up and down her sides. "Perhaps you will find yourself in this very position," he untangled her shift and threw it down, then nipped at her ear, "One that you could not easily talk yourself out of," he smacked her and then turned her around, and then went to raise her chin up, gripping it with her hand, "What would you do, Eleanor? What could you do to extradite yourself from the situation?"_

What could she do? Eleanor wracked her mind. Still she knew she must answer him, because to not, would be an admission that something was amiss. And her hesitation was looking suspicious.

"Do you think my motives to be nefarious?" Eleanor asked, willing her voice to not shake and to keep her voice causal.

"I think not," Tryon said slowly, studying her carefully with a tilt of his head in the lamp light. He went to sit the lamp down on the desk. She couldn't read him, but she sensed that he didn't quite believe her. "What do you have there?"

She discreetly shuffled the pages as she dropped the parchment, "I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep. I was looking for a book. I didn't think you would mind if I borrowed one."

"A book?" Tryon mused. "Yes, John has told me of your fondness for reading. But why were you around my desk? Surely you know there is private colony business that I attend to on a daily basis, here on this desk."

Eleanor swallowed hard, "Truth be told, I got distracted. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have picked it up. Please forgive me?" she asked, her face flushed.

"Hum," Tryon studied her and then side-swept the desk to stand directly behind her. He leaned over her shoulder and picked up the parchment, his breath on her neck. "The rolls of Ardsmuir? Did you read this?"

Eleanor swallowed the bile that had risen to her throat as she scooted over to allow him more room, "Guilty as charged, your excellency," she said, quietly.

He gave her a small smile, "Playing detective, Lady John?"

"You caught me," Eleanor confessed, "Goodness, I am so embarrassed. But when I saw them, I had to look. It was simply too tempting not to try to solve the mystery. I wanted to know who could possibly be hiding Mister Fitzgibbons."

"And did you discover something interesting?" Tryon asked.

"Afraid not," Eleanor said, trying to calm the shaking of her hands, by balling them up into her sides.

Tryon reached for the parchments, looking at the top page, before sealing them up. "Knox can look through this thoroughly. I wanted to...but I do find myself distracted tonight."

"Oh?" Eleanor asked. "By what?"

"You."

"Me?" Eleanor asked, her voice light, but her heart sinking low. "Am I a good distraction?"

"I think so," Tryon said, offering her hand, and Eleanor knew she couldn't refuse. She discreetly tried to wipe them on her dressing gown so he wouldn't be aware of how much her palms were sweating. She put her hand in his. He led her to the couch.

"I think you had other motives for coming in here," Tryon said, "I have told you I often work late."

"Did you?" Eleanor asked, innocently.

"You are so amusing, my dear," Tryon laughed at her, "Yes, I did. And I think you would have asked me about the book."

She licked her dry lips, "Do you think so?"

"Yes," Tryon said, "You have impeccable manners, Lady John. You wouldn't enter a man's library without the courtesy of an invitation and take something...and certainty not in you nightclothes...unless you wanted something else. Something improper, perhaps? The company of another? Your husband is away...perhaps you are lonely."

She was truly at a loss for words, desperately trying to figure out extricate herself from the situation.

"On the other hand, if I am misreading the situation, Lady John, then I might think you are snooping around the Crown's business...and given your views that you have made so expressly clear, that wouldn't be so far of a stretch..."

"That's ridiculous," Eleanor retorted, "My husband is completely loyal to the Crown as you very well know."

"I don't doubt Lord John's loyalty. He is doing important business for me as we speak. But as for your own, I'd _prefer_ to think you are here for another reason...because I do admire you so."

"For you to even think me capable of some sort of plot to gain information," Eleanor frowned, "Of course that is not true."

"Then my instincts are correct, but now you are being so shy about it," he studied her flushed face carefully, "Are you not used to this, my dear?"

"This?" Eleanor asked, her head feeling light.

"Seeking the company of a man that is not your husband," Tryon answered patiently.

Eleanor's heart twisted, it tearing with what she was facing. She wracked her brain to try to find a graceful way out of the situation, but to do so...if Tryon saw Jamie's name on the rolls, he would know what she was up to. And aiding a traitor was treason...her children would become orphans.

And she was so terrified to meet her death by hanging. It seemed like such an awful fate. Especially after John so vividly described it. And she had four children...and something else to consider. And with that, the choice was made.

"No, I must confess," Eleanor said, her voice low, "I'm not used to this at all."

He took and kissed her hand. "Then allow me to attempt to put you at ease, dearest Eleanor." He pulled her in to kiss her lips, gently, "Lord John is no where near here. And he never has to find out. Do not worry so. It is just you and I here. And I desire you very much. From the moment we have met, I saw something special about you and I think you feel the same way."

He pulled back to look at her, "Well? Do you?"

Eleanor stared at him and then nodded.

"Then stop acting so reserved," Tryon smiled at her, "Where is that spirited woman who has no qualms but to say exactly what she thinks?"

Eleanor forced herself to lean over and kiss him back, playing the part she had to portray. All the while, breaking her own heart...

Because she knew, she was single handedly destroying the marriage and the love of the man she adored.

She leaned back. She reached for the tie of her dressing gown, fiddling with it, but her fingers kept fumbling at the tie, not managing to undo it. He smiled at her as he reached out to still her hand.

"Do allow me," he said. He reached to untied her dressing gown letting it fall off her shoulders. "Are you nervous?"

Eleanor laughed, trying to conceal her true feelings- she was nervous, but her heart was full of despair and disgust at herself, what she was about to do. She adored John so much and found so much joy in the way they were connected. And she had promised him to be faithful. He had sacrificed so much to marry her and had accepted her the inconceivable truth of her life...and loved her in spite of the fact she was who she was- a woman from the future...and was so sympathetic to her feelings for another man. He was vulnerable and passionate with her, though it was contrary to his nature...and what he desired. And he loved her children as her own. G_od, how she hated herself!_

"Utterly and completely." she said, her voice shaky.

"Don't be," he chided, "You are in very capable hands."

"I do not doubt it," she said, her throat dry.

* * *

Tryon fiddled with her hair, curling the ends round his finger. His arm was around her shoulder as they lounged on the couch. Eleanor's feet were curled on it as she rested against him. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm not certain," Eleanor answered, honestly. And that was true, their liaison had left her at a loss for words.

"Then another question for you," Tryon asked, "If I may." He gently moved her over and strode over to his desk, reaching for the brandy. He poured himself and her a glass and then brought it back to her.

Eleanor took it from him, gratefully, "Thank you."

"Of course," he said, opening up his arm for her and she slid back into it. "You have been married several times before. Have you always been faithful to those marriages?"

Eleanor clutched the glass, "No," she said, quietly. "But only once."

"Only once?" Tryon mused, "You are such a good girl. Well? What forced you into sin?" He was teasing her, but truth be told, her heart was shattered by what just happened.

Eleanor swallowed hard, "I was married to another highlander after Jamie's wife came back. He died before I married Lord John."

"I was unaware," Tryon said, frowning. "I'm sorry."

She nodded.

"Well, what happened?"

"When we were traveling to the West Indies, there was illness aboard another ship and Claire went to aid the crew as a healer. And we thought it had shipwrecked and Claire was dead."

"So, you and Colonel Fraser?" Tryon said, "Was he the one?"

She let out her breath, "Yes, he was."

"What is it about him?"

"You know him," Eleanor said, "He is unlike any man I have ever known. I'm always drawn to a different sort of a man. More scholarly. Less rugged."

"Ah, more refined. Like Lord John," Tryon said, kissing her shoulder. "And me."

"Yes," she whispered, "But Jamie...He just gets under my skin...and it's raw between us," her face flushed. "I don't know how to explain it."

"But it was only once?"

"Yes, only once. But that was enough for me...that is..." her voice faded.

"Until now," He turned her head and then kissed her, "I'm glad for it, Ellie."

He pulling away, "You said your husband died before you married Lord John."

"That's correct," Eleanor said.

"Hope," Tryon looked contemplative, "Is she Fraser's daughter then?"

Eleanor looked conflicted, "Hope is not illegitimate."

Tryon gave her a skeptical look. "I won't tell, Eleanor. She is, isn't she? The red hair...she looks just like him."

"You shouldn't press a lady into revealing her secrets," Eleanor chided, lightly.

Tryon took her hand, studying it, "But after tonight, I feel like it is not so proper betwixt us. Isn't that the case?"

"Very," She nodded, "Very well. You have puzzled it out, your excellency. She is Jamie's daughter. She was the result of that one night."

"I see," Tryon said, "No wonder then. If your one time resulted in a baby, it wouldn't be a surprise for you to not want to take the risk again. What changed your mind?" he asked. "For tonight?"

She stood and then reached for her dressing gown, wrapping it around her as he watched her, "Pregnancy isn't a risk to consider right now," she said, swallowing hard. She went over to the shelves. "May I borrow a book?"

"Of course," he stood, "Do you mean to tell me?" he looked at her intently and then swept over to her, "Does Lord John know you are carrying his child?"

She shook her head, reaching for a book, "What do you think of this one?"

"It's a good one. Very enjoyable," Tryon said, "Why haven't you told him?" he demanded.

"Well," Eleanor pulled the book off the shelf, "I don't know. I'm afraid I suppose."

"Of what?" he pressed.

"I'm afraid I won't survive this pregnancy," Eleanor whispered, her face pale. "I almost died giving birth to Hope."

"My poor dear," He reached and turned her face towards him, "You should tell him, Eleanor. And soon."

"I know," she whispered. "This one does look good."

"Tis good," Tryon said, "Come, I wish to get your perspective on something."

"On what?" Eleanor asked, taking his hand and allowing him to lead her to the couch.

"The insurgency," Tryon said, "I wish to end this unpleasantness. I must show that I can lead."

"I seriously doubt that you want my opinion on that."

"From the moment I met you, I knew how intelligent you were."

"A horrible vice for a woman," Eleanor said, with a catch to her voice.

"Who has given you that notion?" Tryon frowned, "Surely not Lord John."

"John would prefer if I was more discreet around company, but with him, it is not so," Eleanor said, "I do think he appreciates that I can think for myself, though he finds it troublesome when we disagree and I dig in my heels."

Tryon laughed, "I can only imagine. Well he is not here. So will you tell me your views?"

Eleanor nodded, "You need to figure out a way to give them a graceful exit to the situation..." she began.

* * *

"Tom," Eleanor said as John's valet entered the room, "I'm so sorry to disturb your sleep...but we must leave here. At first light."

"My Lady?" Tom frowned, "What has happened?"

"Nothing happened," Eleanor said, "Can you manage it? Tryon cannot...I cannot see him."

"Don't you want to wait for my lord?" Tom asked.

"No, time is of the essence," Eleanor said, "Will you please help me? I have to get to Mr. Fraser or the consequences will be dire."

Tom nodded, "Very well. Are you certain you are well, my lady?"

She nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I can arrange passage with a guide. Susanna should accompany you," Tom said. "And what should I do?"

"You should wait here for Lord John," Eleanor said.

"And what should I tell him?" Tom asked.

"I will give you a letter for him, explaining the situation with Mr. Fraser. You must ensure that letter does not leave your side and you directly give it to Lord John."

"Of course my lady. You can depend upon me," Tom nodded seriously, "But what will Governor Tryon say when you have left without a word?"

"Believe me," Her voice cracked, "He'll know full well why."

Tom studied her and then answered, carefully, "Be that as it may, my lady, you cannot just leave without a word. It would look as if..." he paused and then added, "you are ashamed of something that happened. It would look suspect and stir gossip for you to leave without a word."

Eleanor grew even paler as she let out a long breath, "Very well. I will leave a note for Tryon. I'll say I was called back to the Ridge. That one of the kids is sick. Will that do?"

Tom nodded, "Yes, my lady." He paused, "Should I send Susanna to you?" his voice was low. "You look unwell."

Eleanor shook her head, swiftly. "That is very considerate of you, Tom, but I am well. Thank you," she forced at smile at John's trusty valet. "I just need sleep."

"Rest well then, my lady," Tom said, quietly. He left her then, closing the door with a quiet click behind him.

Eleanor reached for the candle to snuff it out before lying on the bed, burying her head on the pillow and having a good cry.

* * *

"Bree, thank God," Eleanor eased off the horse, tethering it to a nearby post, "I need a favor."

"Ellie!" Bree looked at her, shocked, "What are doing here? Did you come alone? Where's Lord John?"

Roger came over to them and reached for the basket of laundry, taking it from Bree.

"I had a guide...and Susanna...I sent them to the big house, but asked them not to tell the children I was here. I have to find your father."

"Da is still out mustering the militia," Bree said, "With Luitentent Knox."

"I know," Eleanor responded, "And I have to find him...or listen Bree, he _will be found out_. I have to get to him. There is no time to waste."

Roger looked worried, "Are you sure, Eleanor?"

"I was with Tryon," Eleanor said, "I'm positive. The rolls of Ardsmuir are being sent from Tryon to Knox as we speak to see if they can figure out a connection with any one in the colony and Murtagh. And as we know, Jamie's name is on that roll. He has to be warned."

"Does Tryon have them?" Bree's eyes were wide. "Did he see them?"

"No," Eleanor bit her lip.

"How do you know?" Brianna demanded.

"I know, Bree. I made sure of it." Eleanor snapped. She paused, "God, Brianna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

Bree looked at her intently, then her features softened, "When you said you made sure..." she paused. "Eleanor, what have you done?"

"He had caught me in his office trying to doctor the rolls. I had to let him assume...I was there for another reason." Tears spilled over Eleanor's face. "And now I have ruined my marriage in the process, but I will not let it be for vain. I have to find your father, Bree. _Please_. _Please help me_. I have to find Jamie."

"Of course, we'll help you," Bree said, gently, "But, are you okay?" she whispered.

"No," Eleanor shook her head. "Not only will I have to look upon the face of the man I love and tell him how I betrayed him, which is the most awful thing imaginable, I am also going to have to tell your father the truth of the matter, which by the way, that prospect is pretty awful in itself."

Brianna let out a long breath, "Da will understand," she said, firmly.

"No, he's going to think less of me, that he chose rightly to give me up for Claire...And John...He is so gentle and tender with me. And I have failed him in the worst possible way. I have to answer to two men for my indiscretions and God help me, I know I never deserved either of them," Eleanor said, shuddering.

"That's not true," Brianna said, softly. "You know that."

"I don't know that," Eleanor said, adamantly.

Bree and Roger looked at each other, concerned.

"Eleanor, I will take you to him," Roger said. "But won't you come in and rest first?"

"I already wasted time coming to Fraser's Ridge instead of directly where they are encamped. I just didn't know where they are."

"Aye," Roger said, "Where is Lord John though?"

"Tryon had sent him on some business. He was coming back, but I left before he did. I couldn't wait. I left him a note with Tom explaining the bit with the rolls and how I am leaving to warn Jamie."

"But you didn't tell him about Tryon?" Bree asked.

"John would confront Tryon if I did," Eleanor said, "so no."

Roger put a hand on Eleanor's shoulder, "Let me get some provisions and we will set out. We will get to Jamie in time, Ellie."

"Thank you," Eleanor whispered and Roger left.

Brianna reached for her hand, squeezing it.

"Please don't tell your mother about Tryon," Eleanor whispered.

"I would never," Brianna said, "We are friends too, Eleanor."

"Thank you," Eleanor said, wiping her tears as Bree squeezed her hand harder.

"You don't have to worry about telling Da," Brianna said, "He will understand why you did it. As for Lord John, Ellie, he loves you so."

"I know," Eleanor sniffed hard. "But the guilt in my soul...I can't even tell you."

Brianna pulled her in for a hug, holding her tightly.

* * *

Roger handed Eleanor a cup of hot tea. "We will rest for the night. You are practically falling off your horse."

She nodded, the fire flickering.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Roger asked, studying her.

Eleanor let out a breath, "Part of me just longs for home, but I have no idea where home is anymore."

"I can understand that," Roger said. "I canna help but think I dinna belong in this world."

"I know I don't belong here," Eleanor said, taking a sip of the tea, "I'm so out of my element."

"But ye have the wee rascals," Roger said.

"Yes, I do," Eleanor smiled into her mug. "Do you think Jamie would let me stay on Fraser's Ridge?"

Roger frowned, "Aye, I do, but I dinnae think it will come to that."

"No offense, Roger, but Bree was raped and it took you a while to get over it," Eleanor said, softly.

"Aye," Roger said, "And her father is still resentful of it. And while Lord John and Jamie Fraser are verra different, they have three things in common."

"What's that?" Eleanor asked, taking another sip of the warm beverage allowing it to soothe her.

"Honor, Justice," Roger paused, "and love for the same woman. Jamie will let you stay and help you with the family, but John willna cast ye aside, Ellie."

"And if I choose to stay at the Ridge?"

"Well, then," Roger gave her a look, "No offense, then ye would be just as stupid as I was when I took a while to get over Bree and Stephen Bonnet."

"That's the way of it," Eleanor smiled.

"Not that I wouldna welcome yer presence on the ridge," Roger said, "Ye are the only person that can push Jamie around and it is a delight to see."

She laughed, "I'm glad you appreciate it. And I am thankful for another ally against Jamie's distain for us heretics."

"Aye," Roger smiled at her, raising his mug to her, "To us heretics."

* * *

They rode hard into the next day, arriving early afternoon. Eleanor was exhausted as she handed Fergus the reigns to the horse. She leaned to greet Fergus with an impulsive hug. "It's so good to see you, Fergus. I've missed you," Tears sprung to Eleanor's eyes.

"Aye, mi lady," Fergus smiled at her, but his eyes were concerned as he studied her. "Are you not well, mi lady?"

She sniffed, "I am well all things considered. Where is Jamie? I need to talk to him urgently."

"Lass, what are ye doin here?" Jamie asked, stepping out of the tavern to greet her. "I couldna believe when they said they saw ye comin." He looked to Roger Mac, who shrugged. "Where are our bairns, Eleanor?"

"With Claire," Eleanor said, swaying slightly. "I'm sorry, I am a little...it's been a trying few days."

Jamie rushed forward, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I got ye, mo ghraidh. Lean against me. That's it," he soothed, immediately understanding something was terrible amiss with his former wife.

He turned to Roger, "How much has she eaten?" he demanded, going into his typical Jamie protective warrior mode, his brow creased in concern.

"Not much," Roger said, "And we rode hard. Time was of the essence."

"Aye, I can see that," Jamie frowning, disapprovingly, his arm still around Eleanor, "Fergus, please find Lady John something to eat. And Roger Mac too."

"Aye, mi Lord," Fergus said, worried eyes on Eleanor.

"I'm not hungry," Eleanor protested, her legs still shaking.

"Ye must eat to gather yer strength again," Jamie said, firmly. "No arguments."

"Very well," Eleanor said, softly, "I know arguing with you is futile."

"Aye," Jamie held her tight. "Come, mo ghraidh, we will talk privately in my room. Roger Mac." Jamie inclined his head for Roger to follow. Jamie held her by the crook of her elbow, leading her up the stairs. They entered his room and Jamie pushed her down to sit in the chair at the small table in his room. Eleanor leaned her elbows on the table and then buried her head in her hands. Jamie stared at her for a few minutes, trying to work out what was going on with her. Then, determined, he stepped over to pour a glass of water and put it on the table next to her. "Drink this, Eleanor. All of it." He paused and then reached out to squeeze her shoulder and lean down to kiss her head.

"What ever tis the matter..." he paused, "We will deal with it, mo ghraidh," he told her firmly.

"Will you promise me?" Eleanor said, still not being able to look at him. She sniffed hard.

"Aye, of course, I promise ye." He kissed her head again, "Dinna fash so. Yer safe here with me."

She nodded in her hands. Jamie inclined his head again at Roger and they stepped out.

"What the hell is goin on, Roger Mac?" Jamie demanded.

"She is goin to have to tell you," Roger said. "It is not my tale to tell. But it is important that she found you."

"Where is Lord John?" he asked. "And why is Eleanor traipsing through North Carolina on her own?"

"She said Tryon had sent him on some errand. He had called John and Eleanor to his palace for an urgent matter for the Crown. Apparently, John left her with Tryon for a few days while doing said errand."

"Does Lord John ken that she is here?"

"She said she left a note."

"She looks unwell."

"Aye," Roger nodded. "She is talking though, Jamie. She is just nervous. And scared."

"Aye, I can see that," Jamie frowned, "Stay out here, but leave the door cracked. I need privacy with her."

"Verra weel," Roger said, nodding.

Jamie came back into the room, Roger closing it all except for a little crack to give Jamie and Eleanor privacy.

Jamie went to sit next to her at the table. "Mo ghraidh," his voice was gentle. "Will ye no tell me what the matter is?"

Eleanor didn't raise her head. "Tryon is sending the rolls from Ardsmuir to Knox. He should be getting them at any time. He'll know you are a traitor unless you can stop it."

"Aye," Jamie frowned, reaching to touch her arm, "Tis troublesome indeed. But not, hopeless lass, now that I ken." He puzzled it out, "Aye. Tis not hopeless. It was verra important and verra brave of ye to come and warn me," He paused, looking at her slumped shoulders. "Eleanor, alainn ros, tis clear there is more to this. Will ye no tell me?"

"I really messed up, Jamie," Eleanor cried, behind her hands, especially hearing Jamie using one of his nickname for her. It was rare that he called her _alainn ros_ since Claire came back, reserving that special name for their daughter._ Mo ghraidh_ slipped out often especially in moments just between them, but the others that he branded her, he had dropped once their marriage ended. "I messed up so badly."

"Will ye no look at me?" Jamie asked.

"I can't," Eleanor said.

"What has happenend?" Jamie asked, gently. "Best just spit it out. It canna be that bad." He squeezed her arm gently.

"It's very bad, Jamie," Eleanor sobbed. "I did something awful."

"What did ye do?" Jamie struggled to keep his voice gentle, but he was beginning to feel panic in his gut.

"I was so worried that they would see your name...that Tryon would read the rolls himself and know...so I tried to fix it, Jamie." Eleanor didn't raise her head. "Tryon caught me."

Jamie rose suddenly, agitated, and began to pace around the room. "What did ye do?"

"I didn't know what to do. The damn rolls were in my hand. I couldn't figure out an exit strategy. I tried, Jamie. I tried to find another way. And I couldn't," Eleanor cried.

"What happened?" Jamie asked, his voice low.

"He made assumptions and I...I couldn't figure out how to get out the situation without him figuring out what I was doing...I tried. I tried to make excuses and he thought I was there for other reasons. I was in my nightgown. God, how stupid can I be?"

He turned on his heels, "Did you sleep with him, lass?" he asked, bluntly, his voice sharp.

"I did," Eleanor sobbed. "Otherwise, he would have figured out what was going on- that I was in there for some nefarious reason...he knows I don't support the Crown fully, that I am sympathetic...I was trapped."

Jamie slammed his hand against the wall, the whole room shaking under the force, Eleanor jumping from the sudden outburst from Jamie. She winced, her stomach dropping.

"Jamie please," Eleanor grimaced. "Please calm down."

"I can no calm down! I told John that you were going down a dangerous road with Tryon and that he needed to reel ye in. I ken that ye wouldna be able to extradite yerself if things got uncomfortable, but he no listened to me and now look at what has happened. Ye and Tryon. God help us all!" Jamie slammed his hand again, "Damn it, Eleanor! What have ye done?"

"Don't," Eleanor finally lifted her head. "Do not say you told me so, James Fraser, or I swear to God. I ruined my marriage because of this little game you are playing with Tryon...and everything I have always done was to protect our family, just like you do."

Jamie stilled, "Does John ken what ye have done?" His back was stiff and his chin titled in chagrin.

"No, not yet," Eleanor said, "And I am not ever seeing him again. I will never be able to face him and have a marriage with him...knowing I betrayed him and I did so to protect _you_. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself. And damn it, if you can't even look at me and are this angry, how is John going to feel?"

Jamie frowned, "I am lookin at ye, Eleanor."

"No, you are looking past me," Eleanor challenged. "You are avoiding my eyes. You think I am some awful person to do this..."

Jamie let out a long breath and then moved across the room to sit down at the table with her. "Give me yer hand, lass." He held out his hand.

"I don't want you to make me feel better," Eleanor snapped, ducking her head again.

"I dinnae think I am givin ye a choice," Jamie snapped back. "Put yer hand in mine."

"Fine!" She thrust her hand into his.

His tone moderated, "It was a reaction in my gut, Eleanor, but I am no angry at ye. More at the whole damn thing...and that ye were forced to make that awful choice. And I canna help but in that moment, see ye and Tryon together...and I canna deny it isna a pretty sight fer me."

"I know," her lip trembled, "It wasn't all that pleasant for me either, James."

"Mo ghraidh?" Jamie shifted to hold her hand between both of his hands.

"What?" Eleanor asked.

"I am looking at ye now, Eleanor." He said, softly.

Tears overflowed, "Jamie," Eleanor whispered, meeting his eyes, "Am I some awful person?"

"No," Jamie kissed her hand, "Ye are no an awful person. Ye are a verra gut person, Eleanor. A verra brave person."

"I can't face John. I just can't. What I did was awful.."

"Ye canna just never talk to John again. He is a reasonable man. He will understand the predicament ye were in."

"I know," Eleanor swallowed down her sobs, "But he shouldn't understand.. and I can never forgive myself for what I allowed to happen."

"Aye," Jamie looked her in the eyes, "I ken that is how ye feel. But ye must try, mo ghraidh."

"Jamie, please, for the love that we shared, you have to promise me, I won't have to face, John," Eleanor said, "I cannot look upon him and tell him the truth."

"Ah, mo ghraidh," Jamie kissed her hand, "I would do just aboot anythin for ye, but John is yer husband. I canna keep him from ye. Tis not right." He leaned his head against her hand, his forehead rubbing against it, "But I will tell him the truth fer ye if ye wish. As ye said, I am partially to blame fer putting ye in the middle with me between Tryon and our loyalty to Murtagh."

Eleanor's lip trembled, "Would you do that for me?"

Jamie nodded, "Aye, I would. I told ye that we would deal with whatever the matter tis."

Eleanor looked at him, "Do you hate me?" she whispered.

"Well, I canna say I am exactly pleased with ye," Jamie said, "but I couldna ever hate ye, lassie. And I ken yer heart is hurtin somethin awful right now."

"I love John, Jamie. I love him so much. He is such a good man. He deserves so much better than what I can give him."

"I ken ye do, but ye can give him plenty, Eleanor," Jamie said and then let go of her hand to lean over and pull her into his arms. "Give yerself a gut cry, alainn ros. I am here."

She fell apart in his arms, Jamie speaking gaelic in her ears in soft tones, comforting her.

"I want to be as brave and smart as Claire and I failed. She would have figured out a different way."

"Is that what ye think?" Jamie pulled away from her, "Ye are just as brave and just as smart as Claire, lass. Ye just dinnae hide yer feelings the way Claire can. She feels scarrit at times too."

"I should be more stoic...not let these things rattle me."

"No, ye shouldna," Jamie shook his head, looking at her intensely, "Yer open nature is what makes ye so endearing to all who ken ye weel. I dinnae wish ye to be any different than ye are...and I ken fer certain that John feels the same aboot ye as I do."

She nodded.

"Now, ye must eat somethin even if ye dinnae feel like it. Because as hopeless as it feels right now, ye still have four bairns at home, who need their mama to be strong fer them. Ye must go on livin, Ellie just as ye always have...and not let yerself give into despair."

"Okay," Eleanor whispered. "I'll try."

"Verra gut," Jamie said, "Ye do ken that ye were verra brave to come and warn me the way ye did."

"Will it make a difference?"

Jamie nodded, "Aye. Dinna fash aboot me, lassie."

* * *

"Lady John," Luitentent Knox bowed to her and she courtsied, "I didn't realize you were here"

"Ah, yes," Eleanor smiled, forcing warmth, "I had a matter about the children I needed to apprise Colonel Fraser of. I didn't know how long he would be detained here, so I made the trip."

"Won't you delight us with your company?" Knox asked, "I was asking Fraser to a light supper in my room."

"That would be wonderful," Eleanor said, her face flushed. "Thank you kindly for the invitation."

"My pleasure, Lady John," Knox said, bowing again before leaving the room.

Eleanor sat down on the bed and then leaned down to bury her head in the covers before jolting back up.

Jamie snorted in amusement, "I already checked the bed for wee buggers. There is nothing there."

"You know me so well," Eleanor plopped back down, in despair. "What am I going to do, Jamie?"

Jamie went to sit next to her on the bed. "Ye are goin to come with me to have supper with Knox. But lass, if I tell ye to turn around. I'm goin to need ye to follow my orders."

"You aren't going to kill him, are you?" Eleanor frowned, deeply.

"Ye have enough to fash over," Jamie said, evenly. "Ye did what ye thought ye must and now I will do what I must. And I willna ken what that is until in the moment. But in the moment, if I must act quickly, I must trust ye to obey what I tell ye."

She nodded, "Of course, Colonel Fraser. I am at your command."

Jamie raised his eyebrows, "I trust ye will be."

"Jamie," Eleanor bit her lip, "I am not going to make you angry with me. Because when John turns me out, the children and I will need you." she said, her voice full of forlorn.

"It willna come to that," Jamie said, adamantly, "Lord John would never do so."

"But things won't be the same ever again between us, will it?"

"Mo ghraidh," Jamie reached out to touch the end of her hair, tenderly, "You arena the first woman or man to have done this."

"But when you and Claire made those choices, you did so for each other," Eleanor said, "I was thinking of you, Jamie. And that's the difference."

"But were ye not also thinkin of Lord John?" Jamie said, quietly. "Fer Tryon kens that John was the warden at Ardsmuir, so if Tryon sees my name on the rolls and kens of the friendship between John and myself, then dinnae ye think John was also at risk?"

"I did," Eleanor said, slowly, "But that was during, not when I made the choice. Truth be told, I made the choice for our children...because if something happens to me..." she swallowed hard, "our children cannot grow up as orphans, especially in this harsh time. They need you. So yes, it was for you, but also for our children."

Jamie frowned deeply, "What are ye afraid of happenin to ye?"

Eleanor shrugged, "It doesn't matter." She stood, "I should fix my hair before supper. Put it up again."

Jamie shook his head, "I do not think it matters." He frowned, "Ye are lookin so weary, mo ghraidh."

"I'll be fine. I can push through," Eleanor said, fighting tears again, this time of exhaustion.

Jamie stood and then reached for her, pulling her against him. "I promise ye, that ye are safe."

She nodded and then dropped her head against Jamie, wearily.

* * *

"Your name?" Knox's voice held his disbelief. "I'm sure there are many Frasers where you come from."

Eleanor took a long sip of water, nervous.

"Aye, but tis I," Jamie said, patiently.

Knox tore open the ledgers and began to study them carefully, "James Alexander Fraser..." He scanned the list, "And Murtagh Fitzgibbons Fraser," he paused, "Great God. You are the one who has been aiding him."

"Eleanor," Jamie said, quietly, "Can you go wait outside?"

Eleanor immediately rose, but Knox's voice stopped her, "You knew. You came to warn Fraser of the rolls. You were with Tryon. Did he tell you about them?"

Eleanor froze, the look of terror on her face, "Yes."

Knox's mouth dropped open.

Eleanor sat back down, "Murtagh is Jamie's kin, but he is more than that. He is Jamie...and Mac's godfather...and he was my ex husband."

Knox looked at her stunned, "You are a traitor as well, Lady John."

"No, she isna," Jamie said, firmly, "And neither am I. He is my godfather. A member of my clan. I did what I must do...to protect my family."

"He is a criminal and a traitor," Knox rose, pounding his fist on the table, "And so our both of you." He paused, "And Lord John? I assume he knows of your torrid connection, Lady John. I always thought he was so loyal to the crown."

"He is loyal to the crown!" Eleanor said, adamantly as she rose, "Do not dare threaten my husband!"

"I will tell Tryon of this," Knox said, "I do not wish it...but there is no honor in any of this. You both will hang. It is what must be done." He headed towards the door but Jamie blocked him, rising to his full form.

"No, ye will naugh. And I willna let ye threaten Lady John...nor the rest of my family."

Eleanor's stomach dropped as she saw Jamie turn into protective mode.

They began to wrestle and struggle. "Turn around, Eleanor," Jamie grunted as he covered Knox's mouth.

Eleanor's eyes were wide in horror.

"Eleanor Fraser," Jamie snapped, struggling. "Now."

Eleanor immediately turned around, not even noticing Jamie's slip of tongue. The sounds of muffled struggle were awful until she heard a thump on the ground.

"Come," Jamie said, "Quickly."

Eleanor turned around to look at Knox, "Is he...?"

"Aye," Jamie went over and fiddled with the fireplace and smoke began to fill the room. "Mo ghraidh, Come. We must go through the window."

"Jamie..." Eleanor's eyes were wide.

"I will help ye. Come now," Jamie reached and tripped her arm, dragging her over to the window as she began to choke from the smoke.

Jamie and her went through the window and the ledge.

"The dress is making this difficult," she murmured, but Jamie had her. He shimmied down. "Let yerself fall. I'll catch ye."

Eleanor looked horrified again.

"Ye must trust me. Now," Jamie said and Eleanor let herself fall into his arms.

"Mi Lord," Fergus found them, "Knox is dead."

"Aye," Jamie said, looking to Roger Mac, "We must go now. And ride through the night. Come. Eleanor, ye canna be on a horse right now. Ye can ride with me."

She nodded as she allowed Jamie to lead her and help her on the horse.

"Lean back and rest, mo ghraidh," he said, quietly as he got on behind her, "I have ye."

She allowed herself to relax against him.

* * *

The more they rode, the more Eleanor fell into despair at the events of the night. Jamie had killed a man...in cold blood. And Knox was someone she knew Jamie considered a friend, who had always been kind and respectful towards her.

She began to sniffle in the quiet of the night, unable to hold back the tears.

Jamie finally stopped, signaling to Roger and Fergus. He got down and handed the reigns to Fergus. "Eleanor needs to rest a bit. We are far enough away that we can stop for a few minutes." He reached up to help Eleanor down, holding her until her legs stopped shaking, but the tears kept falling as she wiped them with the back of her hand.

"Come, let's talk," Jamie said as he pulled her away from the others- the moonlight illuminating their way as they went towards the river, Jamie holding the canteens. He filled one up and then handed it to Eleanor, "Take a drink."

She took a swig while Jamie filled up the other ones. Then he reached in his pocket, wet a cloth and handed it to Eleanor.

"Wash yer face and dry yer tears," He said.

She did his bidding and when she managed to look at him in the moonlight, he nodded to her.

"I dinnae wish to kill him."

"I know," Eleanor swallowed hard, "But you killed him in cold blood. He did nothing wrong. We were technically in the wrong."

"I ken," Jamie said, "But just as ye did what ye must with Tryon, I did what I must. It isna the first time.- And I dinnae think it will the last time I am forced to act in this way."

She closed her eyes tightly, "I suppose I knew that...but it is harder to swallow when you actually witness it. And Knox was kind."

"He had another side to him," Jamie said, quietly, "He killed one of the regulators without no a trial-out of anger. He wasna entirely innocent. And he threatened ye. And the Ridge. If I hadna acted, the consequences would have been dire."

"I know that," Eleanor said, swallowing hard, "You do not have to justify your actions to me. I understand why you did. I just wish that it was like this...that we weren't faced with these crazy awful choices...and justifying things that should never be justified...like its the norm...or that its okay."

Jamie took a step towards her, "I am sorry fer it. Fer all of it, mo ghraidh. Ye have such a tender heart and I dinnae wish to ever see ye be so burdened by this world."

Her lip trembled, "You cannot shield me from all of it. I cannot be so innocent in this world. I know that. But I feel like...it's destroyed my soul. Because I love you, Jamie. I love you in spite of it. Just as I know you did for what I have done."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie reached out for her hand and she took it. "I do feel like the reason that ye were sent to me...is so I could protect that bonny soul of yers. And I have spent years trying to do so...so ye wouldna lose yerself...what is important to ye...what makes ye verra much Eleanor. And I have failed the task God has given me."

"I cannot deny that I have lost some of Eleanor," she whispered, "But I have also gained strength and bravery...and fierceness...and that has come from you, James Fraser. You brought so much out of me. I have compromised some...and I hate myself for it...but that isn't on you. It's on me. And when it comes down to it, I have to answer for my own soul."

"I ken," Jamie said, "But I canna help but feel responsible fer ye. I feel like I broke yer already broken heart all over again."

"I am just tired," Eleanor said, wiping her tears. "So everything seems so much more heightened. Do you think we can stop longer to rest?"

Jamie shook his head, "No, I think we need to get further away from here and closer to the Ridge. Ye can try to rest against me."

"Okay," Eleanor sighed, trying to gather her strength. "We should go then."

"Aye," Jamie squeezed her hand. They began to walk back to the others, "I dinnae make ye strong, Eleanor. Or brave. Or fierce. That was always within ye. And all of those qualities are is what is goin to make ye continue to live."

She nodded, swallowing down the lump in her throat, unable to say more.

* * *

Jamie held the horse as Eleanor got down. They had ridden hard through the night.

Her back was stiff and she was sore, her body feeling like it was taking a beating.

"Don't go far," Jamie said, his voice low.

Eleanor nodded and went to take care of her business. When she came back, her face was pale.

"What is it?" Jamie asked, frowning at her expression.

"May I speak to you?"

"Aye, of course..."

Eleanor inclined her head away from Fergus and Roger and Jamie stepped away from the men with her.

"I..." she began to cry. "I think something is terribly wrong with me."

"What is goin on?" Jamie frowned.

"I'm bleeding...a lot. I thought the cramps I was having was nothing...but they have come and gone since we left."

Jamie put a hand on her arm, "Are ye on your cycle, mo ghraidh?" he asked, his voice was gentle.

She shook her head. "No."

"How far along do ye think ye are?" Jamie asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

"I haven't had a cycle in four months. John isn't as good as keeping track as you are...and...he had gone back to the plantation for a while with William, you remember? He had just returned when Tryon called on him and I wanted to wait until the babe quickened to tell him...just in case. Jamie, I'm really scared."

Jamie let out a long breath, "It's goin to be fine, lass. I'm going to have Roger ride for Claire and in the meantime...I can wait with ye...fer whatever comes."

Eleanor crumpled over, sobbing, her hand on her stomach. "I'm being punished."

"No!" Jamie immediately reached for her, pulling her into him. "Ye mustn't think that. It dinna work that way, Eleanor."

"It feels like it."

"Aye, I ken," he stroked her hair, gently, "But ye mustn't think like that. I have ye. We'll do this together." He pulled her away from him, wiping away the plastered hair from her face, "Like we did with Mac, remember?"

"You won't leave?" Eleanor heaved, "It isn't proper...and..."

Jamie snorted, "I dinna care what is proper or no. I made a vow to ye and while I canna keep all of them...I can keep this one...I will care fer ye until Claire comes. Now, dinnae argue with me. Ye need to save yer strength." He pushed her down on a log, "I am going to talk to the others. Fergus will stay with us. Ye dinna mind him, do ye?"

"I love Fergus, you know that."

"I do," Jamie said, "As he loves ye. Roger will go fer Claire...and ye and I will find a place to rest...there is an old abandoned cabin nearby...we'll go there."

"Jamie," Eleanor reached up and grasped his arm hard, "Hope's birth was hard. I could...I mean...I could...if I...even if Claire does come in time...just please don't leave me."

"I told ye," Jamie looked at her evenly, "I am not leaving you, Ellie." He studied her, "Is that what ye meant earlier...aboot not wantin our children to grow up as orphans?"

She nodded, unable to speak.

He leaned down and kissed her head, roughly, overcome with emotions, "I should have ken. I assumed ye were so weary because of the past few days. But I remember weel how ye are when ye are expecting our bairns. Ye should have said something. We shouldna have ever ridden that hard," He frowned, perturbed.

She shook her head, "It probably has nothing to do with it," she said, softly. "And I pushed myself well before last night to get to you. But it was a choice I made. I honestly didn't think it would have been bad for the babe."

"I must talk to Roger Mac. The sooner he can get to Claire, the better."

Eleanor nodded, "Go on. I'll be fine for a few minutes."

Jamie gave her one last worried look before taking long strides to where the men were standing.

* * *

"Do ye want to see her?" Jamie asked, his voice low. He held the baby in the palm of his hand.

Eleanor bit her lip, "Is she..." she hesitated, unable to say the words.

"She is verra bonny. Wee fingers and toes and eyelashes."

Eleanor peered at the child, "Oh God. She is perfect." Her face crumpled at she rubbed a finger against her cheek. "Jamie. This hurts so badly. She has John's chin."

"I ken," Jamie whispered. "But ye should name her. It is only right."

She reached into her small bag and pulled out a handkerchief, "It's John's. Can you...wrap her in this for me?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Of course."

She watched as Jamie tenderly wrapped the baby, which was only the size of an avocado and light as a feather in the handkerchief.

"Mercy," Eleanor said.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Wee Mercy it is. I will go bury her. Say a prayer over her. And ye."

"Jamie," Eleanor reached for him, to stop him, "I cannot bear to leave her here. She is so tiny."

"Aye," Jamie said, quietly. "I ken. But she is with God now, alainn ros." He reached out with his free hand, to touch her face, cupping it. "I'm so verra sorry fer it, mo ghraidh."

"Say a prayer over her," Eleanor said. "And sing a song."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Which one?"

_Jesus loves me._

"Aye, of course," Jamie leaned over to kiss her cheek, "I love you."

"I love you too."

Jamie left her alone, inclining his head towards Fergus who was wiping away his tears.

"Watch over her, while I do this," Jamie said.

Fergus nodded and went over to sit next to Eleanor, who had turned to bury her head in the blanket, trying to fight the pain of it all. Fergus reached out to clasp her hand as she struggled to keep the tears at bay.

And when Jamie came back, Eleanor looked at him, her breathing labored. "Is she safe?"

"Aye, I found the perfect spot in a grove fer her," Jamie said, sitting on his knees beside her. "She'll be protected."

She closed her eyes tightly. "I wish John was here," she said, softly.

"Aye, I ken."

Eleanor began to sob, "I know she wasn't our child, but I need you, Jamie to help me. I feel as if there is this huge weight on me...and I cannot get it off of me."

Jamie immediately took her into his arms, "I have ye. Let yerself weep over yer bairn, mo ghraidh. I will hold ye into ye can bear the pain better."

And true to his word, Jamie held her, tightly, as she wept against him, broken hearted, fulfilling his vow to her...that he would walk by her side through the pain of this world, bearing it with her, so she could bear it better.

* * *

Eleanor looked out at the river, sitting on a log. Her hair was blowing in the breeze and the day was cool. She had forgotten her shawl. Thankfully between Bree, Marsali and Claire, the children were cared for and happy, allowing her this time to flee, knowing what was happening now between Jamie and John. She had tried to remain with the others as long as she could but as the time passed, the more panicked she had become. Claire put a hand on her shoulder and told her to go for a walk.

She didn't know how long she sat there, looking at the sun reflecting off the water, plagued by her own thoughts.

She was lost in her despair, chilled by the cool air, unable to move. But then she felt the warmth of her shawl being wrapped tightly around her, hands resting for a minute on her arms...John was here.

Eleanor took a deep breath, but didn't say anything. The log shift as John sat next to her on the log. She gripped the shawl, tangling the ends in her fingers.

"You do not have to say anything, Eleanor. Or look at me," John said, staring out into the water, himself. His voice was low, but very gentle. "But I wish to be with you. You cannot face this alone. And nothing Jamie has told me, can ever change...what I feel for you in the depths of my soul. I love you, Eleanor. I need you to know that is not going to change. You can push me away. You can allow guilt to ruin our marriage. Or you can fight this despair with me. I beg of you...choose the latter."

Eleanor leaned over, elbows on her knees, her head buried in her hands. "I don't want to push you away, John. But I do not know how not to."

"It is a choice, Eleanor."

"What if I can't...what if I ruined everything special between us?"

"I do not believe that you have," John said, quietly. "I would be lying to you if I said that it will be a pleasant endeavor. It will not. We _both_ made choices that led to what happened. And we must acknowledge those choices, learn from them and become better. And doing so will certainly be difficult. But I am willing to go into the depths with you, Eleanor, for our marriage...and for you. Not out of honor, but very much out of love."

She straightened, wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand and then leaned over to drop her head on John's shoulder.

He moved his arm to wrap it around her waist and they sat like that in silence for a while, before John said, "We are going away again. Just you and I. Tryon has backed off this business with the regulators and Jamie will be home for a while. The children are settled at the Ridge for the moment. And you and I will only use the children as a distraction not to do what must be done."

"Okay," she said, softly. "I'm scared."

He made a noise and then pulled her closer, "I can imagine so. But being so, is not a reason not to do it."

"Very well," Eleanor said, snuggling into him more, "Where are we going, Lord John?"

"Where do you wish to go, Lady John?"

"Let's go find the ocean," She responded.

"The sea it is," John said.

"I do love you, John," Eleanor said, softly. "Please don't doubt that."

"I have never doubted that," John murmured.

"Is it enough?"

"Yes, I believe it is," he responded, "Come, we have been away long. We must pack and settle the children for us being away again. Especially Hope."

"She will not be happy," Eleanor said, frowning at the thought. "We just got back. And now Jamie is back..."

"She must learn to see Jamie as her father," John said, "This will help with that. He is more than capable of handling her tantrums. God knows he has had his share of practice with the others. This was Jamie's suggestion. He is willing to have the kids for as long as we need."

Eleanor shook her head wearily, "Okay then."

"Lady John," He stood, offered his hand, and Eleanor and he went back, hand in hand to the Ridge...silent, but determined.

**A/N**: :( Up next: Jamie learns that parenting four children is more difficult than three...and Eleanor and John face their past and look to the future...


	39. Chapter 39

A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews! Sorry this chapter took a bit longer, we are in the middle of a move-ah, moving can get stressful! Hopefully we can get things calmed down soon! Thanks again for all who continue to read...and special thanks for all who take a moment to drop a review- can't tell you how much the encouragement means!

**Chapter 39:**

"Hope go with Mama and Papa," Hope whined, clinging to Eleanor's legs. "No go. Hope no stay here. No wanna Jay-me."

Eleanor's hand reached down to rub Hope's head, "Sweetheart. Darling, you'll be fine. You stayed with Claire and were happy as can be."

Jamie frowned. He was holding a tearful Rosie in his arms and the boys were even more subdued.

"Ye are comin back, right mama?" Sam asked, tugging at her arm.

Eleanor tore her attention away from Hope, who chosen to sit down in the dirt at Eleanor's feet, her head against her ankles, her arms wrapped around her legs.

"Sam!" Eleanor was aghast, "Of course, I am!"

"Ye just left, Mama," Mac said, his frown deep.

Eleanor turned to John, her eyes meeting his. She didn't dare say anything, but the plea was clear. If this was going to cause too much distress to the children, she thought it wasn't a good idea.

"Sam, come to me," John knelt down, "Mac, you come here too."

The boys went immediately to their step father and Eleanor picked up Hope and held her close, trying to prevent the tantrum that was so clearly coming.

"Now, you both must listen to me very carefully," John said, his voice low, but characteristically calm and soothing. "Your mama and I are coming back. I promise you- I will return her in one piece. You do not have to worry about that."

"Why can't we come, Papa?" Sam asked.

"Because as much as we both love raising you and being a family together, sometimes adults need their privacy," John said."Mama has had a difficult few weeks and while your mother and I...and your Da and Claire have decided against telling you all the particulars, please trust me when I say, that it is very important for your mama to have some time to rest."

Mac nodded, seriously, "Mama has seemed different," he whispered.

"You are always so perceptive, James Mackenzie," John put a hand on his stepson's shoulder, "Your mother is weary. And needs a bit of time to restore her health. It was Claire's orders...and we know how seriously we all take Claire's advise."

"Aye, she is a gut healer," Sam said, seriously.

Eleanor bent down to where they were. "I don't want to leave you boys. I never ever want to leave you. But Papa is right. I am so very tired. And not feeling the best. Some time with Papa will be just what I need, so I can be a better mother to you both."

"Ye already are the best mama!" Sam said.

"Aye, Sam is right," Mac nodded, seriously, "There is no un like ye, Mama."

Eleanor's heart melted, "You two are way too generous to me," she said, reaching for them, holding them tight. "Be good for Da. Don't give him too much trouble, loves."

They both kissed her and Eleanor rose with Hope, who still had her head buried in her neck, crying.

"Come, boys," Claire reached for both their hands, "I have just the thing to help. Fresh cookies."

Eleanor smiled at Claire, who led both the boys inside.

She reached for Rosie, giving her a hug. "I love you, Rosie-girl."

Rosie leaned to kiss her, "I'm going to sing _my favorite things_ when I'm sad."

Eleanor laughed, "I'm so glad, baby. Da will help you with that."

"Aye, of course, I will, if ye willna mind reminding me of the words," Jamie said, giving his daughter a gentle smile.

"Aye, I can," Rosie said, "Ye must learn it, Da. It helps ever so much."

John laughed at Rosie and then leaned to give her a kiss, "Goodbye Lady Rose."

"Goodbye, Papa," Rosie said, leaning to kiss him back. "I love ye."

John's heart nearly melted. "I love you too, sweetheart."

"Ye are a sweet wee lass," Jamie smiled at his daughter, kissing her affectionately. "Rosie, can ye go with Bree and help Jemmy?"

"Aye," Rosie nodded and Bree reached out her arms for her sister.

"Come on," Bree said, "He is making a mess in the mud."

Rosie stopped with Bree to give Eleanor another hug before being happily distracted by her big sister.

Hope, however, was still clinging to Eleanor, "Hope go too."

John came up beside Eleanor.

"Hope," He reached out a hand to rub her back, "You are going to stay with your Da."

"No Papa," Hope cried, "I want ye and Mama. No go. Hope go too. Pleeeeeease. Hope go too."

John leaned and kissed her head, "We will be back in a few days. You must try to be a good girl."

"No good girl. Hope be bad girl," Hope said, adamantly.

"Oh good Lord," Eleanor exchanged a look with Jamie.

"Hope, that is very naughty," John scolded, reaching out to put her hand on her head. "You must not say such things."

"Hope wanna Papa and mama!" Hope cried. "No go away!"

Eleanor held Hope tighter, "I know, sweetheart. But you are with your brothers and sister. You'll have fun with them and your Da."

"No Da!" Hope cried. "No Da! No wanna Da! No Jay-me!"

"Ye canna reason with a two year old, lassie," Jamie said. "She will learn."

John leaned to whisper in her ear, "You need to give her to Jamie and walk away. Hope needs to know that you trust Jamie as her father or she will never accept his authority."

Eleanor sighed, hugging Hope tightly as Hope began to wail. "Jamie, are you sure...?"

"Dinna fash, mo ghraidh," Jamie said, "the wee un will adjust. Give her to me."

"If I rip her away from me, it is going to be a full blown tantrum," Eleanor said.

"I dinnae think ye can prevent it at this point," Jamie said, "I am used to tantrums, Eleanor. Hope is my daughter and she will learn to obey me and trust me to be her father. It will only be harder as time passes. Now is the right time for this."

Eleanor looked to John, who nodded at her.

Eleanor kissed Hope one more time, "Da will take good care of you. Be a good girl. I love you," She gave her a kiss and then carefully pried Hope's hands from her, thrusting her towards Jamie. Tears filled her eyes as Hope began to wail loudly.

"Safe travels, mo ghraidh," Jamie leaned to kiss her cheek, while wrestling with Hope, who was flinging herself back in Ellie's direction.

John took Eleanor's hand and led her away, Hope's cries piercing her heart.

* * *

Brianna approached Jamie and Hope. "Can I take her?"

"Nah," Jamie said, still wrestling with her, trying to prevent the child from biting him. "I have her."

"Hope wanna mama or papa or Bree," Hope wailed. "Hope no want you. Hope no like you."

Mac came out onto the porch, a cookie in his hand, "What is she hollering aboot?"

"She is sad that yer mama left," Jamie said. "She'll be fine."

"She dinnae sound fine," Sam said, following his brother. "She sounds mad as a hornet, Da."

Claire followed the boys out, a frown on her face. "Hope, sweetheart, why don't you play with your sister and Jemmy?"

"I want my mama!" Hope screamed. "Mama no go away."

"She'll be back, leannan," Jamie said, still trying to stop her from attacking him. "Christ." Jamie swore as Hope bit him. "Do that again and ye will be spanked. Do ye hear me?"

Hope screamed louder.

Bree looked up from her spot next to Rosie and Jemmy in the mud.

"Let me take her, Jamie," Claire said. "She won't bite me, will you, Hope?"

Hope shook her head and lunged herself towards Claire.

"Verra weel, Sassanach," Jamie said. "But I canna have ye savin her every time. She must learn to respect me as she does everyone else."

"Hope dinna like ye!"

"Hope, that's mean!" Mac said. "Da is the best!"

"I wanna Papa!"

"Papa is verra gut too," Sam said, nodding seriously, "But Da loves ye, Hopey."

"Mama go bye bye," Hope wailed.

"Aye, but she'll be back," Mac reached up for her hand as Claire snuggled her.

"It's alright, sweetheart," Claire murmured. "I know you want your mama. Let's go inside and I will rock you for a bit."

Seeing Claire had the situation in hand, Jamie put a hand on each of his boy's heads, "Come with me, laddies. Ye can help feed the horses."

"Oh boy!" Sam reached up to take Jamie's hand. "Can we ride after?"

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "It is time ye learned."

Mac frowned at Jamie, "Will Mama be okay with that?"

Jamie glanced at Bree who overheard the conversation and smirked. As much as Jamie was laird over Fraser's Ridge, it was clear in the children's eyes that Ellie had quite a bit of power on her own.

"Of course," Jamie nodded, "Am I not yer Da?"

Mac nodded seriously, "Aye, but Mama likes her say."

Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "Aye, that she does, Mac, my laddie. That she does."

* * *

Eleanor was quiet through the long journey east. John didn't press her to talk to him as he knew there would be plenty of time for that. He was attentive as usual, making sure she was comfortable and her basic needs were being attended to, without her even having to ask. There were moments when her expression would change and the anxiety would be clear on her face and in those moments, John would either reach and lightly grasp her fingers or put a light hand on her arm or knee. The tension was palatable but John did his best to try to ease it.

They stopped at a small coaching inn. Eleanor had been shown to their room, while John made the arrangements for the luggage and food. Eleanor looked around the cramped quarters. She shrugged off her traveling coat and untied her hat, draping the coat over the chair and putting the hat on the dresser. She sank down in the chair at the table and buried her head.

John came in a few minutes later. "Supper will be in a few minutes. They'll bring it up."

"Good," Eleanor nodded, rubbing her temples. "Thank you for making those inquiries."

"She speaks," John said, dryly.

Eleanor bit her lip at his sarcasm, "I'm sorry if I have been quiet."

"_If_?" John titled his head.

"Very well, I'm sorry _that_ I have been quiet. I didn't feel like forcing conversation."

"There has never been a need to force conversation betwixt us for I'm quite accustomed to your desire for quiet introspection...yet, I am afraid I am not used to the resulting tension betwixt us," John said, sitting down and then reaching out to rub her arm when her eyes filled with tears, "But I do believe it will become more comfortable betwixt us as we settle the matters that are plaguing both of us."

She nodded, fighting for her composure and falling quiet again.

"What is it, Eleanor?" John finally said.

"I'm not certain if I can...I'm afraid to try..." She fumbled, trying to find the right words. "Oh God. I don't want to make things worse."

"What is it?" John pressed. "If you tell me, then I can address your concerns. Try as I might, I cannot read your mind. And clearly, whatever you are worrying about is adding to the tension betwixt us."

"Very well," She swallowed hard, "I suppose I wish to say..." she paused.

"Go on," John gave her an encouraging nod, his hand still on her arm.

"I do not wish to force intimacy between us. I know we must try...but I'm having a hard time...wrapping my head around it after what happened."

"I'm not forcing you to my bed, Ellie," John said, quietly. "We can share a bed without having relations. We have done so before. You didn't have to sleep with Rosie last night," John said, his eyebrow raised.

She winced, "That wasn't the reason."

John frowned, "It was very much the reason and we both know it," he challenged. "However," he paused, his tone gentling, "I am not offended by it. Nor I am offended by you not wishing to do so now. We will find what makes us special again...and find joy in each other, in and out of our marriage bed."

"Do you really believe that?" Eleanor asked, despairingly. "Because the thought of it..."

"What distresses you about the prospect?" John asked, searching her eyes.

"I just feel so much guilt and I am so afraid that I won't be able to put that aside to be with you in this way...and if I can't that you will think even worse of me."

John's expression immediately softened. "Do not fear. Please." He offered his hand and she took it, him kissing her hand, sweetly. "We are both weary tonight from traveling...and when we arrive at our destination," he paused, "We don't have to force relations betwixt us, Eleanor."

"But if you want a child..." Eleanor paused, "I'm only getting older...seemingly by the day. Our time is running out. I can...force myself if we need me to. God knows I have done so before," she froze, realizing how that sounded, "not with you...at least after that first few times," she winced, but John squeezed her hand, reassuringly.

"I knew your meaning," John said." He paused, searching for his words and when he spoke next, his tone was very gentle and measured...

"The truth is…" John looked deeply into her eyes, "I do not wish that at all...to have you in that way. We worked so hard for our marriage bed to not to be one of obligation. And I don't believe it has to resort to being that, for the sake of conceiving a child. This is about us taking steps forward and doing so would only be moving backwards."

"But..." Eleanor let out a long breath.

"My darling," John kissed her hand again, "You are worrying for naught. We are spending this time together and by the end of it, you'll be ready again. I'm certain of it. Will you not trust me to be the man who seeks to know and understand your heart above all else?"

She nodded. "I'm just anxious."

"I know you are," John said, "I don't blame you for being so, but while we do have much to discuss, I am not going to berate you for anything that has happened. Please, just calm yourself and attempt to meet me half way in this."

"Very well. You're right. I will try to."

"Very good," he squeezed her hand.

"But can I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course you may."

"After supper, will you please check the bed for me?"

John laughed, "Of course. I always do. I'll make sure there are no little critters occupying the bed with us."

She leaned down to rest her head on his arm, "Thank you."

"Of course," John smiled as he rubbed her head, soothingly. "And as for the children..."

Eleanor lifted her head, "I didn't say anything about the children..."

"But you have been thinking of them all day, have you not?" John asked, "Especially how Sam thought you aren't coming back...and how Hope was wailing when we left?"

She nodded, "Do you think Jamie can handle all four?"

"I think you should never underestimate Jamie Fraser."

"You're right….but Hope is going to give Jamie a fit. She rivals Sam at times."

"Yes, I believe you are correct," John kissed her hand, "However, Jamie can handle our daughter...for she is his daughter as well. It will be good for both of them."

"If you say so," Eleanor looked skeptical, but before they could say anymore to each other, there was a knock on the door as their food arrived.

* * *

"Hope no like this!" Hope pounded her hands on the table. "Yucky. Hope no like! Hope no eat!"

Jamie grunted, with a glance at Claire, who raised her eyebrows. Brianna and Roger looked at each other and Fergus took a long sip of wine.

"Da, I don't want to eat it either," Sam said, pouting. "I ken Claire made it and all, but leafy greens are the worst!"

"Aye, I ken it isna yer favorite, but it is gut fer ye, Samuel. Ye will eat a few bites."

"Aye," Marsali said, brightly, "It isna too bad, but I agree with ye, Sam. It isna my favorite either."

"But if Hope doesn't have to, then..."

"Hope is still a wee un," Jamie said, "And I dinnae say Hope dinnae have to."

"I dinnae like it either," Germain pouted.

"Now, none of that," Marsali said, "Sam is goin to eat it and ye are too. Isna that right, Sam?" She gave him a pointed look.

"Aye, Marsali, but I dinna want to."

Fergus smiled gently at his brother and reached for his fork, "Let me help you, Samuel." He shoved the greens into his brother's mouth and then handed him some milk. "Swallow it, it will take the taste out for ye. I remember the time when I was a wee boy livin on the streets and I had to eat all sorts of distasteful things, that is until mi Lord came along."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "Leafy greens is nothin compared to that. I once had to eat grass. Trust me, Claire makes these a whole lot more appetizing then they could be."

Sam's eyes grew wide, "I guess that's true. But what aboot Hope?"

"Never mind Hope," Marsali said, shoving a forkful in Germain's mouth. "That is not any of yer concern. Ye must set an example for yer wee sister, Samuel."

"Hope, no!" Rosie screeched as Hope snatched her dolly from where she was sitting on the bench next to her. "Ye canna take Violet! Hope!"

"Enough," Jamie reached for the doll and pried it from Hope's fingers, "Ye shouldna have yer dollie at the table, Rose," he snapped. "Tis not playtime."

Rosie's sensitive soul shattered at Jamie's harsh rebuke. "But..." she began to sob. "I need Violet. Mama and Claire both let me." Her face crumpled as she buried her head in the table and sobbed. "I want Mama and Papa."

"Rosie sad," Hope grunted, reaching out to put her arms around her sister.

"Aye, because ye snatched her dollie," Jamie said.

"Jay-me yell," Hope said, seriously, her eyes wide. "Rosie sad."

"It's alright, Hope. Rosie just misses your mama and Papa," Brianna rose and came over to her sister, scooping her up and then taking her back to her seat next to Roger and Jemmy. "Fergus can you pass me Rosie's plate?"

Fergus smiled at Bree and passed Rosie's plate.

Jamie's expression softened at his daughters and their clear bond, but then his expression changed as he got chucked with a plate of leafy veggies from his youngest daughter.

"Oh, now she has done it," Mac said, his eyes wide. "Not even Sam would throw his food at Da," he told Claire, seriously, who was trying to hide her laughter. Roger choked down some of his wine.

Jamie turned to him, "It isna funny," he grunted.

"Aye, I ken. It's just..." Roger struggled, "She's inherited her mama's knack of pushing yer buttons."

Jamie's eyebrow rose, "Aye, that she has." He wiped the food off his arm and stood, picking up Hope, who was banging her hand against the table, "Come with me, mo bloblain. It is time fer a wee chat."

"Oh boy," Sam said, "Hope is in fer it."

"Hush," Marsali said as Jamie shot his youngest son a scathing look.

"We can have a wee chat afterwards if ye dinna mind yer own business," Jamie said before leaving the room and they heard the door to the porch click shut.

Fergus cleared his throat, "Perhaps, Marsali and I could take the lads fer the night," he suggested to Claire.

Claire began to clear the table, "That is a kind offer, but I think Jamie wishes for the children to be close by the first night Ellie is away."

"Perhaps Da will understand more fully what Eleanor struggles with every day," Brianna said, leaning over to kiss Rosie's head. "I think part of all of this is that Ellie is exhausted to keep up."

"I don't disagree," Claire responded. "I think this time will be good for Eleanor, but also good for your Da." They heard Hope began to wail and Claire sighed. "Though, I think perhaps it is going to be a very long night."

"Here," Marsali stood, "I'll help ye clean up."

Bree popped Rosie into Fergus's arms. "Me too."

* * *

Jamie shut the door behind him, Hope in his arms, looking up at him with wide eyes-Eleanor's pale blue eyes. He never noticed how much his daughter's looks were changing to resemble his former wife- though her hair was still thick reddish curls.

"Ye canna throw food or cause such a stir at the supper table," Jamie said putting her down and kneeling next to her. His hand was firmly on her arms, holding the squirming child in place. "Ye are a wee un, but ye must learn the proper way to behave...and ye are auld enough to ken that ye arena allowed to do such things."

"Hope be bad," Hope grunted, "Wanna Mama and Papa."

"Aye," Jamie looked at her seriously, "I ken ye do. But both yer Mama and Papa wouldna be too happy to see ye behavin in such a way, especially yer Papa."

"Hope make Papa mad?" she asked, seriously.

"Aye, I think ye would made him upset with ye."

"Jay-me mad too?"

"Considering ye hit me with yer leafy veggies, I canna say I am pleased with ye," Jamie said, seriously.

"Jay-me spank Hope?"

Jamie nodded, "Aye, I think that would be fair. Don't ye think?"

Hope's face twisted into a pout, "But Hope no wanna be spank. Hope no like when Papa spank Hope. Hope no like when Mama spank Hope. No wanna Jay-me to spank Hope." She began to wiggle, wail, and stomp her foot.

"Nobody likes to be spanked, but ye canna behave like this and not be punished," Jamie told her, sternly and then sat down on the steps, grabbed her to pop her over his knee and give her a few well deserved smacks. Hope wailed louder and when he sat her back down, she rubbed her bottom with one hand and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

"Jay-me not nice," she said, indignantly. "Hope not like Jay-me."

Jamie frowned at her, "Hope, leannan, do you not remember what we talked about?"

Hope shook her head.

"Ye should call me Da like yer brothers and sister. I am yer Da too."

Hope's eyes grew wide, "Jay-me can spank Hope because he is Da?"

"Weel, aye, but I would have anyways, Da or no, since Mama left ye in my care," he said. "Can ye come to me and we can have a wee chat?"

Hope looked hesitant, still rubbing her bottom and sucking her thumb.

"Come now, I dinnae bite," Jamie said, "Unlike someone we ken."

"Hope bites when Hope mad," Hope said.

"I ken," Jamie patted his lap, "Come and let me hold ye, lassie."

Hope wiggled and then toddled over to Jamie. He picked her up and put her in his lap, arms around her.

"I ken ye miss yer Mama. Rosie and Sam and Mac do too. But Mama needs to rest with Papa. And we are a family too. Ye must try to be a gut lassie while ye are here."

Hope wiggled away from Jamie. "Da is big. Da scares Hope."

Jamie was startled. He didn't realize how much his keeping his distance from Hope changed her perspective of him verses how the other children responded to him...because while he could use his stature to coerce the children to obey, he also was gentle and reasoned with them and took great pains to cuddle and care for them, which offset some of the intimidation.

"Ye dinna have to be scarrit of me," Jamie said, seriously, "I willna hurt ye. I love ye, Hope."

"Da loves Hope?" Hope looked confused.

"Of course, I do," Jamie said, then looked resolute. He gave her a kiss. "Now, go find Claire and say yer sorry fer throwing her food. She worked hard to make it."

Hope nodded and slid off his lap.

Jamie sighed and put his hand in his head for a moment, rubbing his eyes. He needed a plan.

* * *

Eleanor braided her hair, her mind on the children. She sighed loudly as she twisted the ribbon around the end. John came from around the partition where he had taken care of his personal needs. "Your turn."

"Ah," Eleanor frowned, "I fear some things I will never get used to even years later. At least in the woods or outhouse there is some privacy or when the children are bumbling around being a distraction. We've never been in such cramped quarters with each other."

"Great God in heaven," John smirked at her, "Do what you need to do and stop fussing over it. At this point, it is unavoidable."

She made a disgruntled face at him and he pressed, "I know you weren't this skittish with Jamie about it."

"Yes, I was. He was merciless in his teasing over my apprehension over it," Eleanor said, her hand on her hip. "I would make him go the other room at times. He thought it was hilarious." She groaned, "I just want a bathroom that I can shut and lock the door and flush the toilet."

John chuckled, "I can only imagine how Jamie was. Still...since that won't be invented for years, I suppose you must make do, Lady John."

"I suppose I must," she sighed, "I should change first. It would be easier."

"Go on then," He began to undress himself as Eleanor stood and twisted to try to get the buttons on her dress.

"Allow me to help you," John said, amused. "I wouldn't want you to hurt your back."

"My back is already sore," Eleanor commented, "and my shoulders..."

"Hum," John inclined his head and she turned around. He made short work of her buttons and then loosened her corset for her. "Great God in heaven, your corset was tied too tight, Ellie. You have marks from it."

She shifted, "Yes, I asked for Susanna to tie it tighter so I could fit better in this dress...it's an older one...and," her voice faded. "I've gained a bit of weight and haven't lost it."

"Did you ask her to try to let out your dress some?" John asked, "I'm sure that is possible."

"She was going to, but..." Eleanor swallowed hard, "I told her not to bother."

"Why on earth would you tell her that?" John turned her around so she was facing her.

She shrugged, "I didn't think there was enough time...and...I don't know. I wanted to wear this one."

"You will wear a different dress that you packed tomorrow," John said, his frown deep. "Please tell me you pack others that fit better."

"I suppose," Ellie said. She reached for her nightgown and then went behind the partition. "Did you check the bed?" Ellie asked.

"I did," John said, "it is fine."

"Small blessings," Eleanor murmured. She came around a few minutes later. She went to wash her hands with the small basin of water in the room. John was sitting on the bed, the covers overturned. She took a breath and climbed in next to him.

John put aside him book, "You must learn not to slouch so much especially when traveling."

She raised her eyebrows at him, "My posture is awful. Not at all fitting for a lady of this time..."

"Now that you are aware of it, you can rectify that habit."

"Old habits are hard to break."

"Yes, but not impossible."

"True."

"In the meantime, sit in front of me and I'll work on your shoulders."

"I'm really fine."

"Eleanor," John's voice was patient, but it was a moderated rebuke all the same.

"Yes?"

"I said I wasn't forcing you to intimacy, but I refuse to allow you to balk at my touch, especially when it is only meant to comfort, not stir your passion. As you have said before, touch is your..." he paused, "What is it called?"

"Love language," Eleanor rolled her shoulders, trying to work out the kink in it.

He inclined his head and she scooted to sit in front of him.

"Good girl," he moved her braid out of the way, "Now try to relax." He began to gently massage her shoulders, gradually increasing the amount of pressure, causing her to groan but working out the kinks in her shoulders then upper and lower back.

"Good Lord," Eleanor murmured. "You are a man of many talents Lord John."

He chuckled, "That I am. Better?"

"Yes, thank you," Eleanor said, scooting down in bed next to him. "Are you ready for sleep?"

"I think so unless you want to talk."

Eleanor looked panicked and John quickly said, "Not about that, but about the children if you are worried over them and need reassurance."

Eleanor let out her breath as John snuffed out the lamp. "I hope Jamie has successfully gotten the children into bed."

"I'm certain he is managing just fine..." John said.

* * *

"No Hope bed! Wanna Mama for bed! Hope sleep with Mama!" Hope cried as Jamie attempted to soothe her.

"I want Mama too," Rosie began to cry. "She slept with me just last night. I liked that."

Jamie turned to his middle daughter, "Did she?" he asked, trying to keep his voice causal.

"Aye, she said she wanted to sleep with us since she was leaving," Rosie said, "And now I canna fall asleep with Mama not here!"

"Da," Mac bounded in the room, "I canna fall asleep with all this ruckus and Sam wants Papa to read him a story."

"Papa isna here," Jamie said, feeling rather foolish for stating the obvious.

"Aye, I ken, but Sam said he dinnae want to fall asleep without Papa readin him a story. I told him that. And now no one can sleep because of all this noise!" Mac said, exasperated as Sam came in, disgruntled.

"Papa promised to read more of the story!" he stomped his foot. "I do not want to go to bed without it and they need to shut up!"

"Samuel," Jamie growled. "We dinna say that in this house."

"Mama says it sometimes when she is verra mad," Sam yelled.

"Aye and then she feels bad," Mac added, not wanting Da to think badly of his beloved Mama. "Can Claire take me to stay with Bree?" he asked, "So I can sleep?"

"No," Jamie snapped, "Everyone, just be quiet for a blasted moment!"

But instead of quieting the girls, they began to cry louder, afraid that Da was mad at them. Sam and Mac covered their ears when Claire came in.

"Oh goodness," She said. "Who do you want me to take?"

"Oh, I dinnae ken," Jamie said, "I am aboot to spank the lot of them."

"Hope not being bad," Hope cried, "Hope sad."

"I'm not either," Rosie cried, "You are mean to me...just like what Hopie said!"

"Jamie," Claire's voice was quiet.

Jamie let out a long breath, "Verra weel. The wee lads."

Claire put a hand on each of the boy's heads, turning them around, "I will read you a different story, Samuel. And then it is bedtime."

"Okay, okay," Sam said, reaching up to take Claire's hand, who leaned down to give her stepson a hug.

"That's a good boy," she praised, "And you," she reached for Mac, "you are always so sweet to your sisters. Your Da will settle them. Just be patient," she gave him a pointed look and then the same look to Jamie.

"Aye, Claire," Mac said.

She led them out of the room and shut the door behind her.

Jamie wrapped his arm around Hope. "It is alright to be sad aboot Mama, Hope. That dinna make ye bad." Hope buried her head in Jamie's chest.

"I wanna my Mama."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, his voice soothing and then looked across the room at Rosie, who was hugging her dollie, tears still streaming down her face.

"Lassie," Jamie shifted Hope into one arm and then opened his other arm for Rose. "Come to Da, alainn Ros."

She hesitantly came to him, and Jamie pulled her up by his free arm to sit her on his lap. "I'm sorry Rose, if I snapped at ye before. I dinna realize how hard it is to have for of ye cryin and fightin at the same time, though I am certain yer mother is used to it."

"And Papa too," Rosie told him.

"Aye, and Papa too," Jamie said, "I think yer Papa is the most patient out of all of us."

"Papa no yell," Hope said, seriously, her thumb in her mouth.

"But dinnae feel bad aboot it Da," Rosie said, "Mama yells sometimes...sometimes she has to so we can hear her over all the noise."

"Aye, I can understand that," Jamie said, holding both his girls close. Hope reached for Rosie's hand and held it.

"Will ye hold us until we fall asleep?" Rosie asked.

"Aye, stay with Da, my wee uns," And Jamie patiently rocked and cuddled them as they leaned against their chest, their little hands in each other's. And once again, his heart was completely overflowing with love for the children...the ones that he never expected but loved fiercely.

* * *

Eleanor and John finally reached their destination- a small cottage on the ocean. A housekeeper/cook was hired to come in for a few hours a day to prepare meals, but otherwise, John and her were completely alone and isolated from the rest of the world. He wanted secluded time with Eleanor and he had certainty chosen the perfect place to do so. They had been there two days, in which Eleanor had slept most of that time away. John had let her knowing how sleep deprived she had been for years and how trying the past few weeks had been.

But in the middle of the second night, he found her in the kitchens, rolling out dough by the lamp light.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked.

"What does it look like I am doing?" she responded. "We need more bread for the morning."

"Surely, that could wait," John said.

"I'm awake now," Ellie said, pounding on the dough and spreading it.

"Because you slept for two days," John countered.

Eleanor wiped her sweaty palm on her forehead. "I'm sorry, am I keeping you awake?"

"No," John sat down at the small table in the kitchen and then turned his chair to watch his wife, struggle with kneading the bread. He could sense her frustration being taken out on the bread making process.

"There is hot water for tea on the fire," Eleanor said.

John stood and then went to make himself a cup of tea before sitting back down to watch Eleanor. He took a sip of his tea, "Did you enjoy cooking your time?"

Eleanor laughed, "No. I think I made a handful of meals the entire time Will and I were married. He was the cook in our family."

"Is that so?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, yes, he made delicious meals," Ellie nodded. "And so I never really had to learn because he enjoyed it. But then, I got thrust back into this century," she banged the dough against the counter, "Good Lord, I always wondered what Jenny thought...having to teach me the basics of everything. But it was a very sweet time, living at Lallybroch. I miss her."

"From what Jamie has described of his sister, she seems very formidable."

"She is," Eleanor mused, "I think some of my spunk came just from watching her and how she handled Jamie. But she was a good friend to me. She accepted me when she really should not have...and she loved me as the close sister I always wished I had."

"Perhaps because she saw how much you loved Jamie," John said, quietly.

"Yes, I think," Eleanor nodded.

"Do you enjoy cooking now?" John asked.

"I enjoy being with Claire, Marsali and Bree and preparing meals at Fraser's Ridge. But it is more because I miss the friendships."

He frowned, "Are you lonely at Mt. Josiah, Eleanor?"

"A bit," Eleanor said, "though the kids of course keep me busy."

"I never realized," John said, "that you hadn't made the friendship of other women or that you even wanted that. You are so quiet."

"I'm an introvert," Eleanor said, "which means I want a few very close friends, not to go out and socialize every night. And sometimes I just want to be alone. The kids, of course, are more like Jamie...except Rosie."

"Who is definitely her mama," John nodded. He stood and walked over to kiss her, "You have flour on your nose," he swiped at it. "Don't stay up too late or burn down the cottage."

She smiled at him, "Thanks for understanding."

"Of course," John titled his head, "But now that you are more rested, a picnic on the sand seems in order for tomorrow."

She startled and then turned towards him wide eyed, "We are going to talk."

"Yes, we are," he gave her another kiss on the cheek, before whispering in her ear, "But don't worry about it."

"Easy for you to say," Eleanor countered.

"It isn't going to be pleasant for me either," John told her, frankly, "But sometimes as adults we must do things that are undesirable."

Eleanor ducked her head, trying to gather her nerve. "Okay, John. We will talk tomorrow."

"Enjoy your solitude," John told her, before reaching for his tea cup and taking it back to their room.

* * *

"Your hat, Lady John," John handed her hat. "And your wrap. The breeze is cool. Hand me the basket and the blanket."

She handed the basket and blanket to John and they stepped out from their cottage to the secluded beach. The ocean breeze was blowing, causing Eleanor's hair to fly in the wind, underneath her hat. She turned for a moment to look at the ocean.

"Oh my," she murmured. She breathed in the salty air.

"Do you wish to walk some?" he asked.

She nodded and he offered his arm to her. She took it and they strolled in the sand. After a few minutes, John asked if this was a good spot. She looked around and nodded.

He unfolded the blanket and then offered his hand again, helping her sit gracefully in her restrictive dress. She looked out at the sea, her legs curled up beside her on the blanket.

"I forgot how beautiful it can be," she said, quietly. "When on the beach and not on a bloody ship."

John sat next to her, "Did you go to the ocean much?"

She nodded, "Every year as a child. Actually, in North Carolina. There were times as a teenager that I would be struggling...just to figure out who I was and my place as I was getting older and changing...and all those emotions of being a young girl...and sitting and watching the waves and looking out onto the horizon...I would just feel peace...peace with God. Peace with myself. It was a beautiful thing."

"And sitting here now?"

"I don't know, it's hard to reach for peace these days," She stared at the vastness of the ocean and then grabbed a clump of sand and began to fiddle with it, pushing and molding it. "The kids would enjoy this, I think."

"I'm sure they would," he paused, his hands on his knees. "Eleanor, my darling? Will you not look at me?" His voice was very gentle, but compelling.

She turned her head towards him, "I don't know what to say to you," she murmured, her eyes filled with tears, her heart hammering. "I have wronged you so badly...on so many fronts and I just...I want to retreat. I want to bury my head and just sleep until I forget...but I can't forget, John. About Tryon...about our child. The guilt, it consumes me. And instead of facing it, I just want you to leave me be. Let me live on the Ridge with the children...let me wallow and punish myself for the rest of my life...because I don't deserve you. And I hate myself." She flung the sand that she was gripping and then before John could even process her words, she hoisted herself up and she began to race in the surf, her dress getting soaked, the waves crashing onto her.

"Eleanor!" John yelled and chased her. He caught up to her easily, reaching and grabbing her arm, pulling her into him. "Stop this. Stop this at once."

He dragged her away from the surf, but the waves still crashed, nipping their ankles. "You are getting soaked."

"Does it matter?" Eleanor asked, her hat being held by the ribbon around her neck.

"Of course it matters!" John said.

"I need you to get mad at me!" Eleanor said, "I need to feel on equal footing with you again."

"I am mad at you, Eleanor," John snapped, "But not for bloody Tryon...but the fact that you were too much of a coward to face me when you told Jamie to his face what you did."

"I didn't betray Jamie!" Eleanor exclaimed, her voice rising over the crashing waves.

"Didn't you?" John asked, coolly, "because we both know you and he do not feel that way. It was a betrayal of you and Jamie's history just as much as it was of you and I in the present. And yet you told him. You could have kept it from him...but when it came to the crux of the matter, you couldn't keep it from him and be true to yourself or to him and the new relationship betwix him and you. Your very intuition is to keep running to him. And that betrayal perhaps hurts more than you actually dishonoring our vows with bloody Tryon."

She whipped around to face the ocean, his words cutting her to the core. She crouched down in the surf, leaning over, trying to catch her breath.

John stood there to her side, watching her, giving her the time to respond, but she didn't.

Finally, he stepped over to her, crossing the divide betwixt them and pulled her up by the elbow. "Tell me what you are thinking."

Eleanor's voice was tortured. "Don't you see? I was never supposed to be here. I was never supposed to be your wife. I'm not at all suited for it. And you..." her voice grew angry, "you are just fooling yourself thinking that you desire me...when we know that you can never truly desire me. Tryon and I weren't a betrayal because physically you don't feel married to me."

"That is not true," John countered.

"Oh, yes it is," Eleanor pounded at him, but he was quick to grab her hands, twisting her around, so she was facing away from him, pinning her arms down. "I could go around cheating with anybody and you wouldn't care unless it was bloody James Fraser because you love _him_ so much more than me."

"Now you are just aiming to hurt me," John said, turning her around and picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder. "You were the one that wronged me, Eleanor. So I dare say that you need to stop throwing this tantrum." He threw her down on the blanket. "Do you know that I see you with Tryon...in my mind? I see him touching you, kissing you. I hear you respond to him. And yes, it does hurt me. I have been betrayed before, Eleanor...and I can assure you imagining you with Tryon is far worse than me actually walking in on my lover and another man because at least then I didn't have to imagine how it was," He let out a frustrated groan, "Believe me, when I said that about Jamie, it wasn't that you and Tryon hasn't hurt me, that betrayal cuts deep in itself, only not telling me whilst you had no qualms to tell Jamie cuts even deeper, but rest assured, both the wounds are deep and both hurt."

Eleanor looked stricken as if he had physically slapped her. Then she turned and lied down on the blanket, burying her head. "I need a minute."

John reeled in his temper, "By all means, take a minute. But you will respond to what I have said."

She was silent for a few minutes before saying, her voice broken, "This is really hard."

"I know," John's voice was low, "But I need you not to retreat into yourself or run away from it. You have to wrestle through this with me. I cannot be the only one to. You must decide our marriage is worth the pain we are causing each other in this moment, in hopes that in future moments, we will be stronger, more united together..."

She turned and then he offered his hand to help her sit up again.

She curled up her knees against her, hugging them to her body. "The truth of the matter is...I did take the easy way out when it came to allowing Jamie to tell you about all of this. Jamie and I have such a complicated relationship and while it wasn't easy for me to tell him, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do, I felt like I could because we have both wronged each other in so many ways. I knew he would be angry, but he would be quick to forgive...because he has failed me more than I have failed him. You have never wronged me. You have been so steady and calm and good to me...and good _for_ me...to tell you, how deeply I have failed us, when you have never failed us...God, I just couldn't..." she paused, "does that make any sense?"

"Yes," John let out another long breath, "it does." He paused, "I shouldn't ask this, but I must...did you enjoy being with him?"

"Oh God, John, please," Eleanor heaved.

"I'm not a fool, Ellie, I know our marriage bed cannot compare to yours with Jamie or with Will...I saw the way you and Jamie connected when married and the passion was aplenty. Perhaps maybe you enjoy it better than with Mr. Fitzgibbons...at least I'd like to think that...but Tryon...I cannot anticipate how you responded to him..."

She startled, "You are a fool to say such things, John Grey," Eleanor told him, adamantly, "how could you ever make me compare such a thing? What do you want me to do? Rank the men I have had sex with? See where you fit?" she paused, "do you really not understand how woman view all of this?"

"Of course, I don't!" John retorted. "I am far more comfortable with men...they are far less complicated creatures. I have made no qualms about that, but I am making an admirable attempt to be the man...and lover you need me to be and if I am failing, then I must know."

"But I didn't seek out Tryon!" Eleanor was aghast.

"Of course not," John said, "but you did have him. There is no way around it and now we must deal with the repercussions of that."

"Okay..." She fought for the right words, "Very well. I'll try to explain it."

"Thank you," John said and then waited for her to compose her thoughts.

"For a woman, it is physical, but it also wrapped up in our emotions...if my head is not in the game, it's going to affect the level of passion I have..." She struggled, "John, when we are together, my soul is wrapped up into yours...meeting you just as much as my body is accepting you...and that is certainly not true for everyone I have been with...and certainly, not with Tryon. I belong to you and I love you," she took a deep breath, "And having to tell you and disappoint you, I panicked. Because I want you to see me as someone worthy of loving and being your wife...you chose me and you love me in spite of everything, when neither of us imagined we could have the marriage we have had...and I'm so sorry I couldn't figure out another way. I didn't like it, John. I had to force myself to play this role...but it wasn't authentic...I'm already so ashamed of what happened...I beg of you, do not make me describe it to you."

"Very well," he looked out to the sea and then back to her, "I do not need the particulars of your liaison. I should have never left you alone with Tryon. I knew he had designs on you...I didn't think he would act on them."

"I should have never tried to fix the situation with Jamie in the first place."

"I don't disagree with you there," John said, quietly. "You knew the risks to your person and our family if you got caught and yet you still attempted it."

She paused, "It was for you too."

He titled his head back and forth. "I could have explained that away. Do you honestly mean to tell me that when you made the choice to go into the library that night, that I was the one you that compelled you to go? Or perhaps I was an afterthought?"

"I'm sorry," she said, softly.

"I know," John said, equally soft. "But you made a rash decision, Eleanor, one that we had discussed before the foolhardy choice to go against the Crown. I thought we had settled that matter betwixt us. I have to be able to trust you...that even when faced with an unthinkable choice...you won't put the family we are creating...that we have formed in danger. Great God in heaven, you took the risk to your person whilst you were carrying my child! It is easier for me to reconcile your and Tryon's liaison then the fact that you would do something so risky when carrying our baby."

She fiddled with the hem of her dress. She swallowed hard, "How can I make this right?" she took a deep breath, "Do you wish to..." she shifted, "Jamie would have already...and to be completely honest with you, I would have consented to him, so I would think it is only right to offer my consent for you to..." she paused.

"Beat you for it?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," she winced, "I'll take it, John. Because of honor and justice and all that stuff that comes with this century...and I'll do it for you...but..." she struggled, "Please don't say yes," she whispered. "It will shatter me."

"Or it could assuage your guilt..." his eyes bore into hers. "Put us on more equal footing because it wouldn't be about me asserting my authority over you...it would be allowing you to atone for some of this...and then perhaps you would be more willing to accept my forgiveness...because I can tell right now, you aren't ready to do so. And _that_ _will_ destroy our marriage, Eleanor."

She swallowed hard, "Can I think about it?"

"Of course," John said, reaching out to squeeze her hand, trying to soften her pain and reassure her, "I would never force you to it."

"I know you wouldn't," she said.

"We need to talk about happened with our child," John said, his hand still holding hers.

"I just can't right now," Eleanor said, her voice cracking, "I need to process this conversation before going there with you."

He kissed her hand, "Very well. Shall we eat something? You look like you need some sustenance."

She nodded and they ate in silence before gathering up their picnic basket blanket and basket and headed back to the cottage.

* * *

Brianna sat Jemmy next to Hope and Rosie who were playing in the dirt. Jamie was splitting wood, but keeping a close watch on the girls who were playing at a safe distance. "Hi Da," she greeted her father with a kiss. "Where are my brothers?"

"Helping Claire in the garden," Jamie said, "growing yer mama's wee plants. She dinnae think she could trust Hope not to pull them up."

Brianna watched Hope fling dirt, "I think that was probably smart."

"Aye, tis so," Jamie wiped his brow.

"You look tired," Bree frowned.

"Aye, between Hope and Sam, and Rosie and Hope up in the wee hours of the night, I am," Jamie admitted. He paused, startled for a moment and then eyed both girls and Jemmy.

"What is it?" Bree's brow creased.

"Tis nothing," Jamie said, "An unsettled feeling."

"About what?"

Jamie put down the ax, "I dinnae ken exactly. The last time I felt it...was...weel, on what I would find out later was wee Hope's birthday."

"the night Eleanor almost died," Bree said, softly.

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I canna help think that if I am feelin it again, she is in trouble now."

"Lord John is one of the kindest people I know," Brianna said, "But Eleanor did seem so broken over it all."

"Aye, she is," Jamie nodded, "John will ken how to handle the lass."

"Da!" Rosie began to wail, "Hope bit me! It hurts!"

Jamie looked heavenwards, "God help me. I ken Eleanor feels guilt when she hollers at the bairns, but they would try the patience of Christ himself."

Bree laughed, "She is a Fraser, Da."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "that she is. Can ye watch yer sister? Hope and I need to have another wee chat."

* * *

"Eleanor," the bed creaked as John sat next to her. He had heard her sobs from downstairs. She had been completely quiet since their conversation earlier in the day and had retreated for a nap. He had settled down with a drink and a book, when he heard his wife's cries. As much as he wanted to give her time to sort out what they had discussed, he could not bear the sounds of her anguish.

He reached out a hand to gently rub her head. "Sweetheart, please."

"Do it," she sobbed, "Do it now."

"I will not," John said, "Not like this." He continued to stroke her head, gently, "If you can come to me calmly and consent, then I will, but not when you are so emotionally downtrodden."

She turned to face him, still lying on her side, "It all feels so hopeless at this moment."

"Tis not devoid of hope," John wiped her tears with her thumb, "I know our conversation earlier was hard for you to bear. It was hard for me as well. But darling, its only because I love you so dearly that compels me to be so open and honest and push us to confront what would be so easily swept beneath the rug." He paused, "I've been trying to be respectful of your need for physical distance betwixt us, but I wish to hold you. Allow me to so, Ellie. Would you please?"

She nodded. He gently gathered her up into his arms, holding her tight. She let out a long sigh, clinging to him.

"You are my wife, Eleanor Grey. You will be my wife until I no longer have breath in my being. You were right- our souls are intertwined in a way I never expected or desired and I will fight for the honor or possessing your heart and your soul."

"But not my body," Eleanor whispered.

"Lady John" John chided, "You have accused me of not feeling physically married to you and that is simply untrue. Our passion is borne out of our love and mutual respect, Eleanor, and it is deeper than simply carnal love. And if I die years from now never taken another man to my bed, I will not be regretful, because I have had to honor and privilege of loving you...who is as dear to me as any man could be."

"Oh, John, your goodness astounds me at time," Eleanor held on to him, tighter, "I always feel so undeserving of it."

"And that is where most ardently disagree," John said, "because you are the finest woman I have ever met." He pulled away, and wiped her eyes again, "you are intelligent, witty, compassionate, engaging, loving...and just a genuinely fine person. You have your faults, Ellie, as we are do, but that doesn't make you less worthy...perhaps, it is for your faults that makes you _more_ worthy."

She nodded and he kissed her cheek, "Now, my darling, you should rest. You are spent. We have plenty more time to talk this through."

"You don't want divorce me?" Ellie asked.

"God no," John said, "A man like I must marry, and I got a treasure in you, Eleanor Grey. No other woman would ever do..." he rose. "Sleep well, dearest. I'll wake you for supper."

"Thank you, John."

"You're most welcome."

* * *

Claire twisted her hair into a braid, tying the ends. She eyed Jamie in the mirror. "Is Hope finally asleep?"

"Aye," Jamie flopped on the bed, exhausted.

Claire came to sit beside him on the bed, "She is so little. Of course, Eleanor and John being away would be a big adjustment for her."

"She was weel when it was just ye and her."

"That's true," Claire said, "But to be honest, Mac and Sam stayed with Marsali and Fergus and Bree had Rosie. It was just Hope and I...and I could spoil her."

"She has always been fond of ye, Sassenach," Jamie said, "That isna the same fer me. She told me that first night that she was scarrit of me."

"Of course, she is, Jamie," Claire responded, "You are very large...both in stature and in demeanor. And you never tried to reach out to Hope. She doesn't really know you."

Jamie let out a long breath, "It is dinnae help that she keeps actin out and I have to discipline her because of the others."

"No, it doesn't," Claire said, "But she is two. She will act out. Do you remember Sam at three?"

Jamie laughed heartedly, "And every year after that. He hasna changed much."

Claire smiled at him, "You are a good father, James Fraser. You have a keen ability to know whatever your children need and to meet them where they are at. You'll figure Hope out."

"As much as I ken figure out the mind of a two year auld," Jamie quipped.

Claire wrapped her arms around him and put her head on his shoulder, "Stop worrying over it. She is going to love you just as much as all the others. These two years haven't ruined everything for you. Give it time."

He kissed her head, "Thank ye, Sassenach."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Eleanor wrapped her dressing gown around her and found John in the small library in the cottage. He was reading a book and she went over to the cabinet and pulled out two tumblers and the brandy, pouring a bit for both of them.

John raised his eyebrow, but took the drink from her. "Am I going to need this?" he asked, dryly.

"Maybe," she said, swallowing down the liquid and began pacing in front of him. "I have a question for you."

"Of course," John put a mark in his book and set it aside, devoting his full attention to his wife, "What is on your mind, Lady John?"

She swallowed hard and then turned and looked him in the eyes, "If I had gotten caught, what do you think would have happened?"

He studied her carefully, trying to read her motivations and know how best to respond to her. Finally he said, "Come and sit next to me, Eleanor," he patted the seat on the sofa.

She sat down and curled up a leg underneath her.

"I think...you would have tried for treason," John said, quietly. "As for the result, it would depend."

"Why?" she demanded, "I thought the penalty for treason was death."

"Because you are a woman," he said, bluntly.

"If I was a man?"

"Whipped and hung, most likely," John responded, "but as a woman, perhaps there could have been some leniency for you...especially as my wife. And my brother being the Duke of Pardloe. But you never know...they could have wanted to set an example by you."

"What do you think I would have deserved?" Ellie asked.

"Personally speaking?" John looked at her, intently.

"Yes," she nodded.

"As much wife, as much leniency as possible," John said. "I would have fought to settled the matter betwixt us...and cited the circumstances of you being with my child and Jamie being the father of your children clouding your judgment. If you were not my wife, then...I think you have betrayed the crown and that must be dealt with swiftly as to encourage others not to do what you have done."

"No mercy then?" Eleanor frowned at the thought.

"There is always grounds to support mercy," John said, gentle. "But you must understand that in this time we are living in, tis a delicate balance betwixt justice and mercy."

"Do you think I was wrong to try to do what I did?"

"I do," John nodded. "But more so on behalf of our family, Eleanor...who need you to be leveled headed and alive to raise them."

"They need Jamie too, John," she said.

"I don't disagree," John said, "But this has all been Jamie's choice involved with Tryon...and still protect Murtagh. He is responsible for his actions as you must be for yours."

She nodded. She fell quiet, twisting her hands around her glass.

"What are you thinking, dearest?" John asked, taking her empty tumbler and sitting it beside him, afraid she would break it.

"I suppose," she said, softly, "It's time for justice and mercy to meet."

"Are you certain?" John asked, quietly.

She nodded. "If I had been caught, it would have been so much worse. And I don't disagree, I acted out of panic for Jamie...but at the moment, I should have thought about our family..." She paused, "When I decided to go in there, I knew it was a risk, but I only thought of Jamie. I didn't understand fully until I was in that room, the consequences for me...because in my time, it would have been jail and as you said the mitigating factors would have caused leniency."

"But we do not live in that time," John said, quietly.

"And this will serve as a reminder to that," she winced. "Sometimes I still feel like I am in a movie or a character in a book, because how can this be real life?"

"But it is," John said, "And you have to remember the dire consequences that are associated with this time, where justice often triumphs over mercy."

"For the record, I did later," she said, softly, "Remember your words...and it scared me senseless."

"And forced you into Tryon's arms," he said.

"I'm scared of dying that way, John," she whispered. "I have never been able to watch those scenes in movies, it has always disturbed me."

"And I am determined that shall never be your fate, my dearest," He stood and took her hand, leaning over it and kissing it. "Are you certain this is the course you wish to take?"

She nodded. "Jamie would have insisted upon it and I would have said yes to it for all the reasons we just discussed."

"But I am not Jamie," John said, his eyes on her, "And I am not insisting upon it."

She let out a long breath, "I know, but still...do you think I deserve it?"

"I do," he said, simply. "But do you?"

She nodded.

"Then let's go upstairs and get this distasteful business over with. I am eager for it to be done with as I am sure you are as well."

"Okay," she whispered.

"Lady John," John squeezed her hand. "You will tell me to stop and I will. You have my word. I wish you to control this because while we do live in this time where I have power over you, I am determined that you shall never feel powerless."

"I trust you, John."

"I know you do," John said, "And for that, I am endlessly grateful."

She tugged his hand and he moved closer to her. "Love me for a moment," she whispered. "So I can be brave and face this. For I am feeling raw and vulnerable already."

He immediately took her into his arms, holding her against him, tightly.

* * *

John reached for the pitcher of water. He poured a small amount into a basin. Pulling out a handkerchief, he wet the cloth and then wrung out the excess water so it would not drip.

The past few minutes had been emotionally grueling for both of them. He had been very restrained in his dealings with Eleanor, like the time before. And yet, Eleanor let him go on more than he thought was wise, plagued by some sort of burden she couldn't let go. And when she finally snapped, what came out of her vulnerability, was the panicked declaration that she deserved so much more for she killed their child.

Reaching for the tumbler of brandy, he had poured before, he cautiously approached his wife, who was crouched beside the bed, her head in his hands.

"I can prepare a bath for you, if you'd like."

She shook her head and he sat down next to her on the floor, his back leaning against the bottom of the bed.

"Come here then," he said, his tone gentle, but clearly not offering a choice and Eleanor scooted towards him. He raised the tumbler to her lips. "Drink it all. Every drop."

She did as he bid, the liquid burning her throat, and then he gently eased her down so her head was in his lap. He put the cloth on her head. "Eleanor, my darling. I must say something to you. And I need you to heed my words..."

"You blame me too..." she whispered.

"Never in my mind nor in my heart, did I ever feel as if you killed our child."

She began to sob in his lap, "But I rode too hard to get to Jamie...and I was so tired...and...I pushed myself...I shouldn't have."

"No, you mustn't blame yourself for it," John said, calmly, "Claire and I had a discussion the night before we left. She did not think the cause of it was that. Most likely there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. The babe had not quickened yet, which was a sign that something wasn't quite right. I wanted our child too, Eleanor, but it isn't your fault, sweetheart."

"But I should have told you about the baby to begin with..."

"Now, I must say I agree with that," John said, still tenderly rubbing her head, "Why didn't you?"

She heaved, "I was just so scared, John. Hope's birth...it was so hard and I came so close to dying. I'm older and I...didn't think I would make it. I didn't want to burden you with it all, if I would miscarry earlier. I didn't want to get your hopes up either, just to disappoint you."

He leaned to kiss her head, "That would never be a cause for you to disappoint me, Ellie. We are in a marriage together...that means we bolster each other up when the other is down...and share in the joys and sorrows that life has to offer us...and I did not marry you for your ability to extend my lineage."

"She was perfect, John," Eleanor said, softly. "She had your chin...and ten little fingers and toes," her voice caught, "Jamie held her in the palm of his hand. We wrapped her in your handkerchief."

"Oh, my dear love," John said, softly, "I'm so very sorry I was not there. I'm glad Jamie was there for you in that moment."

"I wanted you though..." she said, her voice strained, "even after all I had done, I still wanted you."

"I'm here now," John said, quietly. "Lean on me, Eleanor. You are safe here."

Eleanor sobbed uncontrollably in his lap, "I named her Mercy."

"That is very lovely and fitting, my darling," John said, "You did well."

"Please believe me," She sat up to look at him, "I wanted to give you a child more than anything, John."

John cradled her face with his hands, "You give me so much, Eleanor...and God willing, we will have another. And if not, I am perfectly content with the life we do have...and the children I am blessed to call ours."

She leaned her head on his shoulder and cried out her anguish, John's arms coming around her, securely. And when she was calmer, he picked her up and carried her to their bed, wrapping her up in his arms and holding her, talking gently to her until she fell asleep.

It was only after she had succumbed to her exhaustion that he went over to sit on the small settee and buried his head in his hands, his elbows upon his knees and cried his own tears.

**Up next**: Jamie tries to make a breakthrough with Hope and John and Eleanor continue to fight for their marriage...Plus, Jocasta's wedding. :)


	40. Chapter 40

**A/N:** I'm so sorry this update took so long. Moving has been time consuming and exhausting. Virtual school starts again for the kids Monday so we are gearing up for that. But here is the next chapter- thank you all who have reviewed the last chapter and gave me some things to think about with Eleanor's character...I hope this chapter redeems her a bit- she was struggling alot. Please, if you get a chance, let me know what you think!

**Chapter 40:**

"Sassenach?" Jamie sat on the bed with her. "Have ye noticed somethin amiss with Rose?"

"Well," Claire put aside the book she was reading, "She _is_ a bit more needy than normal."

"She isna eating much," Jamie said, frowning, "Maybe she is missing Ellie and John."

"Rose has always been very sweet and sensitive," Claire offered, scooting up to sit next to Jamie, putting her arms around his neck.

"Aye," Jamie smiled, "Ellie calls her an _old soul_."

"That is an apt way of describing it," Claire said, "And the truth of the matter is, you have been very distracted by Hope. She isn't used to having to sharing your attention."

Jamie looked incredulously, "She has two older brothers and an older sister."

"But she has always been _your_ baby, Jamie. Until Hope. And you have to admit, you rough and tumble with the boys, and lead them as any father would, but with Rosie, there is a tenderness and special attention you give her. She has been constantly in your arms since we found her in Jamaica."

"Aye, I couldna help but do so...she was so wee."

"I know. And fathers and daughters always have special bonds. So, now she sees you with Hope...a little jealously would be normal...especially since she probably is missing Eleanor and John and wants things to feel normal again."

Jamie let out a long breath, "The lass will never ken what normal is- not the way I did at Lallybroch with my own father."

"This is _her_ normal," Claire said, kissing him. "Children are resilient, but perhaps a wee more bit of patience would be in order."

Jamie nodded, "Ye are verra wise at times, Sassenach."

She smiled at him and then studied him, "You do know that you are giving them the best life you can."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, smiling at her, but pulling away to begin to take off his boots. "But some days I ken that it isna gut enough. And I look at their faces and I see that shame."

"Jamie Fraser," Claire gave him a look, "the children adore you. You have always been and always will be their father."

"But ye have to admit that part of why this has been so hard without Eleanor and John here, is that I canna be their father every day. To set boundaries. To teach them what they need to ken. Eleanor and John do that. And I dinnae begrudge them fer it. And I ken that canna be helped. Still yet, I am regretful that I canna be the father that my father was to me."

"But you are," Claire said, softly. "Jamie, you must see that."

"Aye, of course, I do," Jamie forced another smile. "I am just feelin out of sorts today. The wee uns are a handful, are they no?"

"That they are," Claire smiled. "Is there anything I can do to help...make you feel better?"

Jamie eyed her, "Aye, maybe there is one or two things..."

Claire's smile widened as she untied her shift, "I'm sure there are..."

* * *

Eleanor flipped the page of the book she was reading, turning without even looking at it, before tossing it aside.

"Is it not to your liking?" John asked, his mouth turned in amusement.

"The characters are a bit contrived," Eleanor said, moving to stand by the bookcase, perusing the titles, "but it is more that I cannot calm my brain to focus on it."

They had woken up and had an easy morning of companionship, a jaunt to the beach, both content to take a respite from difficult conversations that dominated their time yesterday. Mrs. Simmons, the kindly housekeeper had fed them a delicious luncheon and left stew for the evening meal, off to visit her sick sister. Afterwards, they retired to the library for a quiet afternoon, Eleanor curled up on the couch with a book in her hand. She had changed into her nightgown and dressing gown, eager to get out of the confines of her corset and knowing that they would most likely be in for the night. John humored her lack of decorum quite well, knowing this type of leisure was exactly what she needed.

John rose to come behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder, "Perhaps it is not the book that is the problem then."

"Perhaps not," Eleanor said, her breathing quickened at his proximity, only slightly but did not escape John's ever discerning notice. He kissed her shoulder lightly before stepping back. He took her by the waist and turned her to face him, "Will you not tell me what you are thinking upon?"

She chewed on her lip and then extended her hand and he took it, leading her back to the sofa.

"I am afraid I am rather beastly to live with," she said, softly.

"I will not deny it," He smiled at her, "At times you are difficult."

"I'm so sorry, John," she squeezed his finger tips. "My behavior these past few weeks...I know it has been trying...even if you are the most patient man I have ever met. I don't want to take advantage of that patience, and I know I have."

"I forgive you," he said, "I will always forgive you, Eleanor. I have told you that before. And accept you-vices and all. But perhaps, you could explain yourself better, because try as I might, I cannot puzzle out how to get through to you."

She let out a long breath, her face flushing.

"Don't be embarrassed," John squeezed her hand, "I want to help you. Please."

His words were so heartfelt and Eleanor could feel his love and acceptance. And it compelled her further, to be honest with him...and with herself.

"Sometimes, I have a really hard time controlling my emotions...what I am feeling and thinking. And the demands of living in this still unfamiliar time, of being confronted by situations even after all these years of doing so, which are so vastly unfamiliar to me, of worrying of things that I know to be true, but I have no way of controlling..." she shifted slightly and John kissed her hand, gently. "I'm trying to hold on so tightly but everything is spiraling out of control." Her voice caught.

"But tis not truly," John said, quietly. "You must recognize it."

"But what it feels like and what my head keeps focusing on..." she paused, looking down at their joined hands. "I cannot wish these thoughts and feelings away. And I do try to. I don't want to be this way. It's like I just can't get myself out of it- the despair and doom I am feeling."

John paused for a moment before asking, "Is it me?"

Eleanor looked up and into his eyes, "Of course not! It's never you. And I know I have been horribly unfair to you..."

"Put it aside for now, Eleanor," he said, his voice a murmur.

"I cannot put it aside, John. You deserve better than all of this."

"Put it aside, Eleanor," he repeated, this time his voice louder and firmer. "I need you to believe me and accept what I am telling you to be true. You are using guilt to push me further and further away. And you are right...I do deserve better. And I believe most whole heartedly that you can give me better." He paused and then took great care to moderate his tone, "But when it comes to the crux of the matter, putting aside you and I...to be honest," he paused, "you just seem so tortured," John said, "More so than normal. Were you never like this with Jamie?"

"Like what?"

"So melancholy," he said, "prone to worry and despair."

"I was," Eleanor said, softly and then a long pause followed, "from time to time."

"What did he do?"

She shrugged, "It led to a few blow ups between the two of us...but he mostly tried to occupy my mind upon other things- long days at Lallybroch, teaching me tasks around the farm, long nights between the two of us, and between that and the children, I barely had time to dwell at all. Trust me, he didn't know what to do about me during these times either, but more times than naught, he just loved me through it, with that Fraser protective fierceness that we all know so well."

"Much as I am trying to do..."

She nodded, "And you are doing so well, John. Your love and care for me...I could not ask for a better husband. And I mean that with everything in me. You are the best man I know."

"I know you mean that," John said, gently. "Is there nothing that can soothe you when you feel this way?"

"Yes," Eleanor said, softly, "But unfortunately, in this time, it is not an option."

John titled his head, frowning, "Explain your meaning, darling."

"I mean..." she looked at him, "In my time, I eventually was diagnosed with anxiety... and took medication for it. And it helped...just make me feel more like me. I was such a better and more patient wife and mother and I would be able to let things go easier. It's hard for me during certain times not to be consumed under the weight of it...and Hope's near drowning...and then what happened with Tryon...and the fact we are about to face a war, it's too much, John."

"Why didn't you say something years ago?" John asked her, studying her carefully.

She shrugged, "It is what it is. It's not an option so what was the point to even go there. I didn't even tell Jamie. I studied psychology in college, so I know all about the history of how people are treated...and in this century, they are either locked in jail, burned at the stake or executed."

"Jamie and I have both seen you have your episodes with your breathing, Eleanor...and we haven't ever questioned your soundness of mind over it, not even amongst the two of us."

"I know, but you and Jamie are both rare men for this time," Eleanor said, quietly, "and I thought if you know that in my time, I had to take medicine for it...I don't know, maybe that would have made you think that I was worse off than I was. I mean...alot of people in my time are medicated for it. But still, it might have been hard to explain..."

"Sweetheart," John kissed her hand, "He nor I would ever think less of you for it. We know your heart and your soul...and the beauty within you that endears you to us. As for the soundness of your mind, any woman that can so heartedly puts James Fraser in his place with only a few well delivered lines...and on occasion, beat both him and I in chess..."

"Rare occasions..."

"Less rare as you are becoming more adept...all this to say, I do not think you to be insane...I only wish there was something else to ease your discomfort. Perhaps Claire could recommend a remedy...if you are honest enough to admit you need help."

She nodded, "I'll talk to her about it."

"Good," John smiled at her, "And I do hope you know how grateful I am that you entrusted me with this part of you."

"I do trust you, John...I just wish I was a better wife to you."

"I wouldn't want another..." he said, staring deeply in her eyes, "I meant that, Lady John. I hope you know how much."

"I do," her breath caught.

He leaned his forehead against hers, rubbing gently, his breath on her. She gripped his fingers tightly.

"I want you to love me," she said, softly.

"I do," he said, "More than a man such as myself can ever express or understand to be possible...and yet, will you not try with me? Fight with me...fight for us, Lady John."

She nodded and kissed him. He deepened it almost immediately, their mouths meeting each other in a back and forth dance. Eleanor moaned and then kissed down his neck, eliciting a response and delighting both of them. They got caught up in each other and in the moment, but when he reached for the tie of her dressing gown, he asked,

"Are you nervous?"

Her mind flashed back and all the sudden, she wasn't in the moment with John anymore. She put her hands over his, "I..." her voice caught, her eyes widening. "Oh God." She shuddered.

"What is it?" John's brow furrowed, trying to discern what had happened. He put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched away. "Eleanor, talk to me, my darling."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, sliding off the couch, "I need some air."

He allowed her to flee, lost in his thoughts as well. But after he few moments, he rose, determined not to let her run again.

* * *

Eleanor stood at the ocean's edge, letting the water flow over her toes. She looked at the vastness, taking deep breaths. She pulled her dressing gown closer to her, chilled. John came out a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry," she said, softly. "Really sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for what just happened," his voice was low as he reached for her hand, holding it his hand, tightly. The waves lapped over his bare feet as well. "Tryon asked you that, didn't he? Whether you were nervous or not?"

She nodded. "I couldn't get my tie undone, I was so clammy and trying to hide my feeling. He took it to be nerves and offered to untie it for me, asking if I was nervous." She shivered, letting out a long breath, "we shouldn't talk about it."

"I am not certain. Perhaps, keeping such secrecy over it is contributing to your angst. I think it might help us both to be more forthcoming," He squeezed her hand, "Do you think of that night often?"

She nodded, "I can't get my mind away from it...and it's not desire, John. It's...I don't know...remorse. guilt. shame."

"But I am releasing you from all those feelings, my darling," he said. He paused, "If..." he paused again, wanting to choose his words carefully. "If _anything_ about that night was..." he paused, "_troublesome_...," he took a breath, "for you, beyond the guilt you feel, I would like you to tell me."

She swallowed hard, "No, I mean..." She looked down at the water splashing their feet, "it was fine."

"Are you certain of it, Eleanor?" John asked, his eyes studying her carefully.

"I mean, I suppose it was typical," She paused, shrugging, "I guess I just felt so out of control...and not in a good way. It sounds so stupid to say that."

"No, my darling," He squeezed her hand again, "I understand your meaning quite well. You have always been with men...even Mister Fitzgibbons who desired to put your needs first. Even in those times of unchecked passion, there is a sense of understanding and trust betwixt us...and I know it was the same for you and Jamie...a reassurance and a comfort to know that you could be vulnerable, and we would never take advantage of it..." he paused, "And even what you described of Mister Fitzgibbons holds to it. Tryon is selfish...pompous, arrogant, controlling...and I cannot imagine he would be any different in bed."

"How do I..." she looked at him, "forget what I have done?"

"You don't forget, but you do let go of it...move past it," John eyed her, "as far as intimacy betwixt us, perhaps, we need to do something so unexpected, you cannot help but to think of us."

She raised an eyebrow, "Such as?"

He raised an eyebrow back at her smirking, "Tis a private beach and Mistress Simmons will not be back til the morn. The waves are pleasant, lapping around our feet, are they not? And the pull back is not very strong."

She titled her head, "Here?" her voice held her skepticism.

"Come get carried away with me, my darling...allow me to love you in a way that you cannot help but to focus on."

The slight nod was all he needed and before she could even say anything else, he had tackled her, rolling with her in the surf, his mouth on hers, a tangled mess of sand and wet clothes. Ellie giggled for a moment and he pulled away from her to laugh as well, the sound both music to their ears. He wiped the hair out of her face so he could look into her eyes.

"I like it when you are so determined, Lord John," she said, her eyes meeting his...and for a first time in a while, he saw Eleanor's joy again. And it compelled his further.

"And determined I am, Lady John," John said, his mouth capturing hers, persistent, pushing them into passion that pounded both their heads and made both of their hearts beat quickly. The waves rolled on top of them and John rolled her over so their lower half were in the surf, but their heads well protected.

The urgency continued to build as wet clothes were flung off...and in the minutes that followed, John's words proved true. There was nothing else, Eleanor could focus on- her senses alight with love, passion...so much desire...here in this moment with him.

* * *

"Da!" Rosie whined, running up to him. "Hope threw dirt at me! And I told her I didn't like it and she wouldn't stop!"

Jamie put the pitch down. "Now, Rose, ye mustn't bother adults with every little problem, leannan." He crouched down to look at her in the eye. "I always want ye to feel like ye can come to me with yer problems, but we have a farm to run."

"Mama says I should if I try to solve my own problems first, I should ask fer help then," Rosie told him, seriously. "And I need help!"

"Weel," Jamie let out a long breath, "Yer mama can focus all her attention on all ye wee uns since she lives with Papa on the plantation and has help fer the daily runnin of things," He straightened and put a hand on her head, "But I canna see how sortin out yer wee un's battles all day is gut fer her. No wonder her patience wears." He paused, contemplative, "But dinna fash, lassie. Just go off, and maybe play with Sam or Mac if Hope is bein a bother."

"They dinna want me!" Rosie's lip jutted out into a pout. "They say I'm just some silly girl. And I canna do boy stuff."

Jamie titled his head and stooped back down, "Rose Ellen Fraser, ye ken that is foolishness."

"Tis true, Da," Tears filled Rosie's eyes, "They say I need to be a proper lady like Mama and I do want to be, but I want to be like Bree too. And learn things. Ye only want to teach the boys things. Tis not fair. Ye love them more than I."

"Leannan," Jamie let out a long breath, "that simply isna true. I love ye a great deal. But as fer learning the things that Bree kens to do, dinna fash aboot that. If yer mama agrees, I will teach ye to hunt and fish just like the wee lads. But ye must learn to be a proper lady or yer mama and Papa will have my heid. And they arena wrong. At the verra least, ye must learn to run a household. And if ye choose to want to learn other things, then I will teach ye, Rosie. Ye have me word. But ye are still wee."

"Not as little as Hope," Rosie sniffed. "I wanna be big."

"Ah," Jamie patted her arm, "Dinna wish yer childhood away, lassie of mine. Tis a joyous time when ye are young...or at least it should be," he planted a firm kiss on her head. "If Mac or Sam give ye a bit of trouble, ye come back to me, Rose, and I will have a wee chat with them. Ye may be a wee lass, but if ye want to rough and tumble with the wee lads from time to time, I canna see how there can be anythin wrong with that." He studied her carefully, "What is wrong?"

"I miss mama and papa somethin awful," she said, forlorn.

He put his arm around her, pulling her close, "I ken. But ye have me and Claire. And I do love ye, lassie. So verra much. Ye must ken that weel."

"Aye, but..." she paused.

He sat down on the ground with her and pulled her into his lap. "But what?"

"When they come home, I'll go away. And then, I'll miss you and Claire too. I will always miss someone!"

He kissed her head, "Alainn Ros, I ken this must seem unfair to ye...to always have to leave me or yer mama. But we are still a family. All of us."

"Maybe ye can ask Papa if we can stay with Mama here."

"I think Papa will probably want to return to Mt. Josiah and William. It isna gut to be away from yer brother that long."

"Aye, I miss William too," Rosie said, sighing. "When is Mama coming back?"

"Soon, alainn ros. I'm sure of it."

"Is Mama sick?" Rosie asked, quietly.

"No, leannan. I dinnae think so. I think she just needs time. Yer mama is a verra strong, verra gut woman. And ye will be that un day as well."

"Promise?"

"Aye, I promise," Jamie held her close and then carefully rose, still holding her in his arms. "Let's go find the wee uns and see what they are doin."

"Dinnae ye have to finish?"

"It can hold fer a bit," he retorted, "I dinnae get enough time with ye all. We must make the most of it, ye ken."

Rosie nodded seriously, but then gave her Da a big grin, which Jamie returned.

* * *

"My good Lord," Eleanor ran her fingers through John's hair, trying to loosen the caked in sand. "I do believe we will be finding sand for days." The tub was by the fire in the kitchen and their clothes set to dry. She was standing naked, save for her wrap that she had flung over her shoulders to try to keep warmer. John had at first insisted she get in the bath first, but Eleanor convinced him that it was not practical because she was far messier than him, who had taken a dip in the ocean. He was going to throw her in as well, but Eleanor said while the surf was fine, the water was far to cold for her to dip her head in, but if he wanted to, then by all means he should.

John flicked water from the bath at her. "I think you have the far easier task as I helped you by going into the ocean."

"Of course, you might give yourself pneumonia in the process," she scolded. "It is cool today."

"Tis nothing," John said, flicking more water at her, "And your hair is going to prove quite the formidable opponent. It is tangled horribly."

"Ah, well, I can deal with it myself after we deal with you so we wouldn't have to inconvenience your lordship," She tested the water and then carefully poured the water over his head, it lapping off his shoulders and sloshing into the tub.

"Oh no, tis not the way of it. Fair is fair and I am never one to back away from a challenge," John said as she leaned down to kiss his neck and the tip of his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him for a moment leaning down her head on top of his. John reached up and tenderly cradled her face. "And I do feel responsible as it was my idea from the start."

She giggled, "You are a borne romantic, Lord John. Of course the practicality of such endeavors leaves us with this..it is never the way of books..."

He reached for her hand and guided her to the side of the tub. She leaned down on her knees. "And was it not worth it, my darling?"

She leaned into the tub to give him a kiss, "Of course." She breathed out and then reached for the sponge. "Let me."

"Of course, if you will allow me, next," he said, his eyes on her.

"I look forward to it," She smiled at him and then began to wash him, slowly, savoring the moment with him. "I'm not very good at this, John."

"Good at what?" he asked, reaching to tip up her chin.

"Being a wife. You take such great care of all of us and I fear that you might get neglected in all the sacrifices you make daily. And I don't want that. I want you to feel loved and to be happy in the life we have together."

He searched her eyes, "The happiest moments of my day are those quiet moments when you seek me out for a word or for a quick embrace...when you value my opinion and trust my heart. Yes, our life is chaotic, Eleanor and while we started this marriage as a family, I think we cannot hide behind the family we have formed. Because our marriage is very much one betwixt you and I. And I wish for you to believe me when I say that. You are my partner, Eleanor. My better half."

"Your worse half," Eleanor quipped.

"No, I do not think so," John patted her cheek, flinging water as he did. "As much as you say you are grateful for me, I am grateful for you...tenfold."

She let out a long sigh and then leaned up and over to bury her face in his neck. John in a quick move, dragged her over the side of the tub to lie on top of him in it.

"John Grey!" Eleanor squealed, "I'm going to get you sandy again and I just worked to get the sand off of you! And this bath is not big enough for both of us- at all!"

"Shh," John kissed her, the water sloshing over the sides. "My turn. And then after I dry you off, I am taking you upstairs."

"Hum," Eleanor kissed him back, "Why?"

"I do not feel like you are lacking in your wifely pursuits, however, I have a few ideas of how we can further develop them...if you'd like."

Eleanor blushed, "Nothing too uncouth."

"Too uncouth?" he laughed, at her phrasing, "You have been around me for too long, my darling. I'll make a proper 18th century gentlewoman of you yet."

She smacked at him and then kissed him again.

"But no, never fear, I will guide," he kissed her again as he hopped out of the tub and gently rubbed the sponge against her chest, "never force."

He dropped the sponge into the bath and then went to work on untangling her hair.

"I never fear when I am with you, Lord John," Eleanor said quietly.

John leaned down to kiss her neck before washing her hair, trying to dislodge the clumps of sand in it. And when he was done with that and cleaning her properly, he dried her off and swept her up in his arms, carrying her up the stairs and holding true to his promise.

* * *

After supper, they were relaxing in the library, John's arm around her shoulders and her head against him, curled up on the couch.

He leaned down to kiss her head, "You are quiet again."

She let out a long breath, "I suppose I am," she reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly in hers, "May I confide in you about something, John?" she said, softly. "It's something that has been wearing on me and I need your perspective on it."

"If it is distressing you, then I think you must," John said, his voice low.

"It's about Jamie."

"I see. Go on," John prompted. "Tell me what is on your mind."

"He killed Lieutenant Knox," she said, "Did he tell you?"

"Ah, no," He adjusted her, carefully sliding her off of him, and went to stand by the fire. "He did not mention that. I had assumed that Jamie had found a way to intercept the missive. Fergus can be very handy in that regard." He looked at the mantle, his hand resting on it. He sighed, "I almost wish you didn't tell me. Some matters of Jamie's, it is best that I do not be made aware of, especially considering our past."

"You won't get him in trouble over this, will you?"

"No," He shook his head, even though his back was still turned, "I cannot. There was a time, when I was much younger, that I would. But considering the children, and who I know Jamie to be...and there is the matter of your heart, I would never betray anything that you have told me in confidence...about Jamie or anything else. But, are you sure of it?" He paused, "Did he tell you this?"

"I was there, John."

"Were you?" John's voice was low.

"I saw it...I mean, he made me turn around."

"I should say so," John muttered under his breath.

"But I heard it. And then saw the evidence of it."

"I see," He turned to meet her eyes, "And naturally, you are troubled by it. I suppose I already can deduce the answer to this, but I must ask still...what was his reasoning for committing such an act against officer of the Crown?"

"Knox had read the rolls and threatened to expose him for Murtagh. But not only him, but me for warning him...and you as well...and I know Jamie felt like he didn't have a choice to protect our family. And he was right. The consequences would have been...unthinkable. But it was in cold blood. And in my brain, Jamie has always been...such a..." her voice trailed off. "I don't know. I know he was a solider, a highland warrior, but to me, he was always...he was just so..." she groaned, "I simply cannot put my feelings into words. He was so tender with me, even when we fought, even when I allowed him to be a 18th century husband...there was a sweetness to him, compassion...and his heart...I mean he is a good man. A kind man...and it just seems so..." she struggled, "contrary to the way he treated and still treats me...and especially the way he cares for the children...for him to strangle a man to death..."

"I see," John searched her eyes, "I know that Jamie took great care to be very gentle and considerate of your modern sensibilities," he said. "He felt very burdened by making sure you were not broken by this century and he knew the angst you were feel when confronted by the darker side of humanity. In my opinion, he tried too hard in that regard...because it was inevitable and now you seen evidence of a man, that you always knew was inside him, but never witnessed. The truth of the matter is, Eleanor, that any man that tries to harm you or his family, he will protect you by all means possible, and if you come to harm at the hand of another, he will bring that person to justice...outside a court of law. He _will_ kill for you. You are the mother of his children and still have a very substantial hold on his heart. And I do not begrudge him that."

"But what does that say about the kind of man he is?" Eleanor rose and went to stand beside John. "I guess I'm just conflicted because after what I have done, I have no right to judge Jamie's action, but how can I not think it was wrong even in spite of the consequences for not doing so? He showed no remorse, only sorry that I was upset by it."

"Sweetheart, I cannot make you understand honor and justice that we have in our century. Try as I might, it goes against what has been ingrained in you since you were a little girl."

"But it wasn't honorable," Eleanor said softly.

"Protecting you isn't an honorable endeavor?" John titled his head, challenging her. "He has a debt to pay to you, Eleanor. A debt further than he could ever repay in his lifetime."

"That simply isn't true," Eleanor said. "He doesn't owe me anything."

"Then he has a debt he owes to his own heart," John said, quietly, "He is a man who loves you. And you will not sway him when it comes to protecting you. If he didn't know it would be dangerous to you and your family to do so, he and Tryon would have had words over your night with him. It is a debt I can relate to. And would I kill to protect you or to exact revenge on a man that harmed you? I would, Eleanor. You have been entrusted into my care, and as the man who loves you and whom you have such a command over my heart, you cannot ask me to say I would do differently." He reached out to cup the side of her face, "You must continue to trust Jamie's heart, especially as you are raising the children together, trust the man that you know him to be. And... I wish the same for me, if confronted by the same choice."

She went to wrap her arms around him, "I need to be held by you. I need to feel secure right now. Thinking about this makes everything seem so topsy turvey."

His arms immediately tightened around her waist, pulling her securely into his chest, "I am here, my darling."

She sighed, "Do you think he thought I would stop loving him if I saw this side of him?"

"Maybe," John said, quietly, "But more maybe that you would scared of him. And I know he never wished you to fear him."

She nodded, "I think you are right." She laid her head against him, "For the record, I want you to know that when I went to Jamie, it was only to warn him of the rolls. If Tryon and I had...just for the heck of it, I would never had gone to him and told him. And I was so afraid of seeing the disappointment and hurt on your face...because when it comes down to it, I need us. I need you to love me. And to think that I could have done something to stop that love, I'd rather run from it, then face you."

He squeezed her tightly, "I understand. I fought for this love betwixt us, Eleanor. And I will not let it...nor you go. Unless, you choose to go."

She breathed deeply, "I never would wish to go."

He pulled back, "Even if Jamie was free?"

She looked at him, deep into his eyes, "Even then. I love him still...but he has hurt me too deeply for it to be repaired. And I see him with Claire, and I know, we could never truly go back. Because I would always see her. And them together. But most of all, if we are speaking truth to each other, my love for you is deeper. We truly have been forged together- you and I. You shouldn't love me, but you do. And I...I thought I would never love again. But I do. And if I am honest with myself, I love you more, John Grey."

Tears sprung to his eyes and it took him moments to compose himself, before he said, his voice but a whisper, "I do hope I am worthy of that honor, Eleanor Grey."

"You are," she said, softly, "always worthy."

John lunged forward to kiss her, commandingly and then pulled away, "Come back to bed, my darling."

She raised her eyebrow, "You cannot possibly want more. We aren't not newly married and..."

She was silenced by John rather grandly sweeping her up in his arms, "Just hush. We will never get this time again to be uninterrupted by little steps stomping up to our bedroom door."

"Isn't that the truth?" she laughed as he ran up the steps with her.

* * *

Hope tugged at her ear and screamed.

"What is it, Hope?" Jamie asked, trying to settle her, but Hope was inconsolable. "Yer gonna wake the whole house with yer hollarin," Jamie scolded, smacking her bottom in frustration.

"Ouchie."

"I dinna smack ye that hard, leannan," Jamie grunted.

"No," Hope cried harder, "Ouchie! Ouchie! Ouchie!" She began to wail at the top of her lungs.

"Let's go find Claire," Jamie said, patted her back and tryin to quell his frustration.

"Mama!" Hope cried, "Papa! Papa! Papa! I need Papa!"

"Ah, I ken yer Papa makes ye feel better," Jamie said, again patting her back. "Settle down Hope. All this hollarin is not goin to solve yer problems." He stepped into the bedroom with her, sitting on the bed.

"Sassanach," Jamie grunted.

"Oh dear," Claire sat up, "Why is she screaming?"

"She is pullin at her ear," Jamie said.

"Hope, darling, stop crying," Claire said as she reached for her, "Come here, sweetheart. Can you tell me what hurts and I can try to see if I can help you?"

Hope stopped screaming, but still was sobbing against Claire, rubbing her ear against her. Claire frowned as she held her hand against her ear. Then, she felt her head.

"Jamie, she feels like she is running a fever," Claire said, frowning. "Hope, sweetheart, does your ear hurt?"

Hope nodded and snuggled against Claire.

Jamie frowned and then Claire handed Hope back to Jamie, "Da is going to hold you while I get some medicine. One more wee ouchie and then ye will feel better soon."

Jamie balanced Hope in his arms as he rose with Claire, "Is ye certain?"

"Yes, it's all the signs. She is leaking fluid from her ear and with the fever and the screaming...we don't want her ear drum to burst," Claire said. "Poor love."

"Ah, I see," Jamie said, looking down at his daughter, rubbing her head gently, "Tis no wonder yer cryin. An ear ouchie can be a frightful thing indeed." He sat back down with her. He held her close to him while waiting for Claire.

Hope hiccupped and then held her ear.

"Da mad at Hope?" she asked.

"Oh, my leannan," Jamie murmured, "Of course, I am no mad at ye. If ye are hurt, I wanna help ye feel better."

"I wanna Mama," Hope said and Jamie reached to apply pressure against her ear, trying to relieve the ache.

"Aye, I can understand that," Jamie said, quietly, "But I'm here Hope. And Claire and I are both going to help you. Ye rest yer wee bonny heid against me..."

Claire came back with the syringe, "This isn't going to be pleasant," she said, "But hold her still and it can be quick."

Hope looked wide eyed at the needle and then at her father, her thumb in her mouth.

"Aye, I remember how it feels...yer wee needles," Jamie looked at Hope. "Ye will be a brave lass. And if ye scream, I willna fault ye."

He shifted Hope quickly to allow Claire access, Claire quickly injecting the medicine.

Hope began to wail loudly and look very betrayed.

"I'm sorry," Claire leaned her head down against Hope's, "It's going to make you feel better, I promise."

Hope clung to Jamie tightly, burying her head in his chest.

"Aye, all will be weel, my wee un," Jamie said, softly. "Ye need to go to sleep." He stood, "I'm going to rock her fer a bit."

Claire nodded, "Of course. If you want to bring her in to sleep with us, you know I don't mind."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I think that might be best."

Claire smiled at him as he left the room, singing softly _Jesus loves Me_ to Hope.

* * *

John steadied her as she laughed. "Did you enjoy?" he asked, helping her up to sit upon the rocks.

"Yes, I did," she said as he tethered the horse and then sat next to her.

"It didn't make you too nervous, did it?" John asked.

"Well, a little, but in a good way...it was thrilling to ride with you like that," she said, reaching for his hand. "The sand and the surf...the smell of the salt air and the wind in my hair. I loved it."

John took her hand in his and then kissed it. "I'm very glad of it. I wanted to clear both of our heads so we could talk more."

Eleanor nodded, "Okay. What's on your mind, John?"

"I am going to say what I say next, only after much reflection, and knowing that when it comes down to it, I want the best for you...and for us."

"You are scaring me," Eleanor said, softly, "I thought everything was better."

"And it is," John said, holding her hand tight upon his knee, "but I don't want to have anything left unsettled, darling, so I must ask you, will you go into the depths with me again?"

She dropped her head on his shoulder, "Of course, I will. Tell me what is on your heart."

He kissed the side of her head, his touch tender, wishing to ease the coming blow. But when he spoke, his voice was carefully measured, but his tone firm. "I feel like the past few days has been more about restoring your trust in me...for you even to accept my forgiveness of you... and while I am happy to comfort you in that way, I didn't do anything to break your trust, Eleanor. I am the same man I always was and yet you failed to trust that man that I am. The man who knows and loves your heart and wishes to provide and care for all your needs...you questioned my attraction for you, my motives, my love...I have had to spend the past few days ensuring you that I was trustworthy for us to begin to heal. And it is frustrating for me. And as much as I know matters have begun healing betwixt us and I want that to continue, I must tell you how I feel. I was the one wronged. And you selfishly made it about you."

She lifted her head, "You're right."

"And I understand your anxiety might have contributed to that, but you cannot hide behind it."

"I'm not trying to hide behind it. And you and I have talked about this- how I want to give as much to you as you give to me."

"And that means I have to trust your word, Ellie...and your character. And you broke that trust. And you haven't truly atoned for it."

Her mouth dropped open, "But I have. I let you beat me, for Christ sake. What do you think that was?"

"I think that was more about you wanting to harm yourself over our child and using me to do it," He held her hand fast to his knee when she tried to disentangle her hand from his, "No, you mustn't draw away, Eleanor," his voice was firm, "I know it is uncomfortable to be confronted like this. But we are both adults. And I know you are more than capable of handling this rebuke. Think about what I have said, and if it is not true, then you can offer an alternative perspective to it. But I think you should know how I view the situation."

She buried her head in his arm, "I want to say you are wrong and to be offended for you even suggesting it, but...while that wasn't my intention at first, it did become it."

He let go over her hand to wrap his arm around her, drawing her close, "I know, my love."

She leaned her head on his chest, "I'm sorry for that."

"Especially in those moments, and I do hope they are few and far between, I have to trust you in as much as you trust me in that moment...to know your intentions are honorable because only then does that makes my actions just. Otherwise, I am just being a brute. And I cannot...I will not ever abide by that. In that moment, you broke my trust in you again."

She sniffed hard, "But I thought this century is all about punishment and justice."

"And betwixt us, it is about...as you said when you consented, justice and mercy meeting. It is about atonement, not punishment. It is about restoring the trust betwixt the two of us," he paused, "I do not think it is always healthy to compare us to you and Jamie, but was it truly about punishment with Jamie? When he insisted upon using this with you...why do you think he did so?"

She paused, "It wasn't to be cruel."

"Of course not. So what was it about, Ellie? He knows its something foreign to you, so why does he try to protect you in everything else that would be against your modern sensibilities, but force this _issue_ with you?"

She closed her eyes, "He often said it was to remind me of the seriousness of the time we are living in...and to trust him when I don't want to."

"Truly? That's it?" John pressed. "Breaking your pride? I know James Fraser, and yes, that was part of it, but that wasn't the full reason he did so. Maybe the first time, but not the other two times."

"I suppose it was more about," She opened her eyes to look at John, "reconciling ourselves...restoring his trust and faith in me...to know as his wife, I will be more measured and less...impulsive. In showing him that I trust him with this, he knows he can trust me the next time when confronted with whatever led to it in the first place. Because for me to accept this, means that I truly want to atone for everything and be at peace with him."

"There you go, Lady John," he touched her face, lightly with his fingers. "And how should it be betwixt us?"

"The same," she bit her lip, "But it wasn't so this last time."

"No, it wasn't. You wanted me to punish you but you had no intention of ever accepting forgiveness. And while you have accepted me into your bed and have come willingly into my arms again, we can't move past until you truly want to atone...and it's not about bloody Tryon. It's about putting yourself and our family at risk, Eleanor. In a world where the consequences would be severe. And here is the crux of the matter...if I am honest with you and myself...and I say this with the most depth of affection, I cannot trust at this moment in time, that you would do any differently. And that is very hard for me to reconcile."

She looked at him, wearily, "I want to say I would..."

"But you can't at this point say you would, can you?" John said, his hand on her knee. "I am not angry, Eleanor. I always wish you to be truthful with me."

"I do feel guilty."

"I know you do. Over Tryon. And our baby. But over protecting Jamie?" He paused at her stricken look and winced as the tears began to flow freely. "I believe you that what you say is true-that you couldn't ever go back to Jamie...at least while I draw breath. And that as much as you love him, you love us more. But he is still apart of your soul, Eleanor. And I will not ask you to let that part go. But I will ask you to make sure that in practice you value us...and yourself...more than Jamie. Because I guarantee with this coming war, you will be confronted again. I will remain loyal to the crown, Ellie. And while you do not have to remain loyal to the crown, you must remain loyal to me...and our family, especially if you and I have a child together." He reached to wipe her tears with the pad of his thumb, "I do not wish to rebuke you in this way for I know it hurts the tender soul within you, but darling Eleanor, I know the remarkable woman I have been entrusted with. I will not fail you by remaining silent when I see you going astray."

John was so earnest, so heartfelt and his look was so loving, that Eleanor began to weep.

"That wasn't supposed to make you cry more," John mildly scolded.

"I know," Eleanor sobbed. "You are just so...there isn't a word that would do you justice. I adore you, Lord John Grey. I'm so grateful for you and loving me with such a tenacity but still yet, a tenderness that makes me want to be better for you and for us."

He pulled her closer against him, "Where should we go from here, Lady John?"

She sighed and snuggled against him more, "Let me think for a moment." They fell into easy silence and after a few minutes, Eleanor pulled away and turned on the rocks to face him.

"Give me your hands, John," she said and John put his hands in hers, amused.

"I'm so very sorry that I was too selfish to see how hurt you must have been by all of this- not just by Tryon, but me choosing to take those risks without your consent or guidance that led to everything else. I know how much honor and trust means to you. And I'm sorry that I lacked the faith in us to think we wouldn't be able to move past this...and that I used you to wallow in my own guilt...and I want to make things right between us...but for the right reasons. As much as my rational mind is telling me I am crazy for this, I need to put my words into action, to regain your trust...that I will make better decisions in the future. So, I'm going to submit to your discipline again...and this time, it's going to be to offer atonement and to bring us back into greater harmony and restore your trust in me. But I have conditions to it."

"Do you now?" John gave her an amused smile, "What are your terms, my Lady?"

"Your dealings with me continue to be measured...and if I tell you I had enough even if you don't agree with it, you stop."

"That goes without saying, Lady John," John nodded seriously, "I would never wish to be a brute with you."

"And afterwards," she tilted her head, "I want a nice long bath in front of the fire, with your company...and then I want you to take me into your arms and comfort me...to reassure me that I am not as wretched as I feel at this very moment and as wretched as I am sure I will feel afterwards..."

"Very well, I accept your terms, Lady John," John said, gallantly bowing to her before reaching for her hand, "Come now, darling, let's go home. I must say I am always in awe by your spunk and bravery."

"I'm not very brave," Eleanor gave him the side eye, "I was just thinking maybe the horse will throw me on the way home and I won't have to go through with it."

John threw back his head and laughed, "Oh, Ellie. You know full well, I will never let you fall."

"Damn you and your gallant nature," Eleanor said, "And the damn English for their superior horseback riding abilities."

John laughed harder. "Be careful, with your words, my darling. I know you say in jest and I am diverted by it, but a horse fall could break your neck. And we would never wish for that."

"I wasn't wishing for that. Just maybe a bruised bum, so you wouldn't go through with it."

He was nearly rolling now with laughter, "Oh, do not fear, I'd still go through with it, just very _strategically._"

She gave him an exasperated look and he picked her up and plopped her on the horse. he mounted behind her and then leaned to whisper in her ear, "It will be fine. You do not have to fear it so. It's a moment of time...and then the moment will pass...and you will be no worse for the wear...except that maybe when you are confronted with the same situation again, I can trust you to make a better choice..."

"I wouldn't count on it," Eleanor said, pointedly.

"We'll see what you say afterwards," John said, with an affectionate kiss to the side of her head, as he kicked the horse and they began to gallop with the wind.

* * *

John gently twisted her hair up and tied it with a ribbon. Her face was flushed, tear streaked, but was carrying herself admirably. Yet, still she was unable to look at him in the face. Afterwards, she had willingly but silently accepted his embrace. And after a few minutes, she nodded her agreement and allowed him to care for her. He had poured the steaming water into the tub and then reached for the tie to her dressing gown, allowing it to fall over her shoulders. He reached for her hand gripping it tightly and leading her to help her step into the bath and ease herself down.

In spite it, he could sense that she was struggling. He knew her pride was tattered and her heart sore, along with her posterior, but she bore his rebuke along with a hefty lecture that accompanied it well. He kept it short and while he knew it bit, he also suspected his lecture tore at her heart more than the strength of his hand.

"Eleanor," John murmured.

She closed her eyes, "Yes?" her voice was shaky. It was the first word she said to him.

"Do you love me?"

She nodded, but still kept her eyes closed.

"Then will you not look at me?"

She shook her head.

"Eleanor," John murmured again, his voice coaxing.

Her lip jutted out in a pout, "My bum hurts."

"It was well earned," John said, calmly, but his face couldn't hide his amusement, for her expression so resembled Hope's, "though I must say I am sorry that it does."

"I'm not saying it wasn't," Eleanor retorted, her eyes still closed, "I'm just saying it hurts. I can't believe I suggested you to do that again. This century is so wonk with their sense of justice and retribution."

"Wonk?" John laughed outright then. "Great God in heaven, Eleanor Grey...you are charming."

"Glad you think so, my Lord," she said, her tone dripping with sarcasm, "And Jamie is never going to do this to our children."

"Oh dear," John's amusement grew, "Do I sense that you and Mr. Fraser will come to another impasse one day soon?"

"For certain," Ellie said, squeezing her eyes shut tighter, "Now that they are older, I am sure he is going to want to be a little harsher in his discipline...it was the way he was raised."

"Perhaps so," John said, "As for you...I have a cream I think will help. And I was very measured with you...in case you are tempted to insinuate otherwise."

"Of course you were...you always are," Eleanor said, softly. "I knew that you would be."

"Then why can't you look at me, Eleanor?" John said, his voice low, "it is making me feel as if I should feel guilty over it and considering it was a matter mutually decided betwixt us, then I refuse to be made out to be some sort of monster."

"I would never make you out to be such," Eleanor retorted, her eyes still closed. "I don't want you to feel guilty. I was just giving you a moment of a hard time...because you know, I'm your wife and I can from time to time."

"Naturally," John said, "But if not, then why haven't you looked at me since?"

"Because, I am afraid, I will only disappoint you, darling."

"What does that mean?" he reached out to cup the side of her face.

"When faced with the same choices, in spite of what just happened, it's going to be a struggle...and truth be told, I'm not sure I'll be able to support you in the coming war."

"I know," John said, softly, "But you will not undermine me or put our family at risk, will you?"

"No," she opened her eyes to look at him.

"And you will listen to what I have to say...and offer your perspective...and then trust my judgement...and my heart in regards to our family?"

She nodded.

"Then that is all I ask of you," John said, gently. "As for what just happened, you know there is no shame ever betwixt us...don't you?"

Her face flushed, "I know," she whispered. She reached out for her hand, "Do you think I have lost myself to allow you to do so to me? I mean...is this the right thing?"

He put his arms around her.

"I'm going to get you wet," Eleanor scolded.

"I don't care," John said, holding her tightly. "We don't ever have to again. I'm comfortable with this type of discipline...being a solider and a warden and having to employ punishment...but if you are doubting it, I will never force you...into seeking atonement in this way. I hope you are well aware of that. I would never want you to feel uncomfortable in any aspects of our marriage."

She lifted her arms out of the water to wrap her arms around him, flinging them around him. "Did you mean those things you said?"

He gently disentangled her and then reached to hold her face in his hands, "Yes. I know my lecture was scathing, but what you have to remember, my love, is that when we offer atonement, then it is put behind us...you fear too much my disappointment and desire too much my high regard. I am a man that loves you...of course, I hold you in the highest regard, even so...because I never thought I would ever love a woman to begin with...yet here we are. And we are joined together...there is nothing you can do...or say...or mistakes you can make, that will make me want to cast you away. And if two years later, you are still struggling to see that, then you must look within your heart, to find the strength to believe that you are worthy. And to trust in the man that I am."

"I do..." she whispered, "I just lack faith so often..."

"Because you have been through the fire," John said. "And you lost two men you love to circumstances out of your control. But I am here for you, Ellie. I will say it over and over until it is scorched into your heart. You are my wife. And you will be until I have no breath in my being...and when that day comes, I will have not be left wishing for more out of this life. You and our family...the joy you bring me is incomparable. Because you are Eleanor Grey...and there is no other person...at least in this place and time like you."

He pulled her face towards her, kissing her deeply, with a passion unmatched and left her wanting for more. He pulled away, "Are you well?"

She kissed his cheek, "Love me, John," she whispered in his ear. "Take me in your arms...and make me feel like Eleanor again. And I pray, one day, I will be worthy of you and the love you give me."

"Eleanor, my darling," John kissed her again, "You are already worthy. You just must accept. As for taking you in my arms, I will gladly do so, but," he pulled away, titling his head, his eyes mischievous, "Are you sure your bum doesn't hurt too much for such endeavors?"

Her laughter filled the room, "I suppose you will have to be very _strategic_, Lord John."

He laughed and then lifted her up into his arms.

* * *

"Mama!" Hope ran to her, "Mama!" she began to cry. "Mama!"

"Hope what is it?" Ellie asked, letting go of where she was giving her boys and Rosie a huge hug to step aside as her youngest daughter opened her arms for her. She lifted her up in her arms, trying to comfort her inconsolable child. She looked to Jamie, who shrugged.

"She bit Rosie again, so she got spanked," Jamie said, "She isna too pleased with me at the moment."

"Did she break skin?" Eleanor asked, worriedly.

John's eyebrows rose and leaned down to Rose, "May I see your arm, Lady Rose?" he asked.

Rosie showed John where Hope bit her, "There are teeth marks, Papa!"

John kissed the spot, "I'm sorry Hope bit you, sweetheart."

"Hope," Eleanor frowned, snuggling her closely, "Why did you bite sissy?"

"I hungry," Hope said, seriously.

John leaned over to kiss her on the head, "teeth are not for biting sissy," he said, sternly, "and if you are hungry, you can ask for a snack."

"Da smacks Hope. Alot," Hope whined.

Sam tugged at John's arm and John leaned down.

"Hope threw food at Da. I wouldna even do that, Papa!"

John fought laughter and reached to put his arms around his godson. "You are very wise not to do so, Samuel."

"Aye," Mac said, eyes wide, "Ye should have seen Da's face. He wasna verra happy."

"I'd imagine not," John said, trying to avoid Jamie's eyes. "Da was quite right to spank Hope."

Eleanor looked between Hope and Jamie, trying to read the situation. "I'm so sorry, Jamie."

Jamie gave her a reassuring smile, "Dinnae fash, Ellie. We can talk later aboot it."

John frowned as he took Hope from Ellie, "Were you not a good girl, young lady?"

"Hope try. Da don't like Hope!"

"Hope!" Mac grunted, "That isna true."

Jamie cleared his throat. "Mac. Sam. Rose. Bree is with Claire. Will ye go find her? Tell them that Lord John and Mama have returned."

"Aye," Mac said and reached for his sibling's hands.

Eleanor watched her children run back to the house. "Were the others good at least?"

"Aye, typical troubles. Rosie was a bit needy," Jamie said.

Eleanor let out a long breath, glancing at John.

"Thank you for watching them, Jamie," John said. "I do hope you got some sleep."

"Aye, some," Jamie said, wryly.

Eleanor laughed and then went to kiss Jamie on the cheek, "We will talk later, Jamie. I am going to go see Claire and Bree. If you gentlemen will excuse me...Come with me Hope, my love."

"Of course, Lady John," Jamie smiled at her and then leaned to give Hope a kiss. "I do like ye, Hope. But I dinnae like yer behavior. Ye must learn to be a gut lassie."

"Da is right," Eleanor said, "He and I are going to talk to you later- just us. But in the meantime, no more biting, k?"

Hope nodded and leaned her head on Ellie's shoulder, "Hope wanna Mama."

"Mama is here now, lovie," Ellie said as she walked away with them, but not before giving John a kiss

Jamie watched them walk and turned to John. "She looks happy."

"Yes, I think she is," John said, "It was good for us."

"I'm verra glad fer it." Jamie said, "Ye both deserve to be content."

He nodded, "Thank you again for watching the children."

"Aye, they are my children as weel," Jamie said, "I dinnae fully realize how the addition of Hope makes an already challenging brood even more so."

John laughed, "Ah, yes. If we can ever get home, Eleanor has consented to a nanny."

"Ah, I think that might be wise fer Eleanor's sake, not the children's."

"I must say I agree," Jamie's tone was so adamant that John knew that things must have been truly very trying for Jamie. He chuckled and then followed Jamie into the house with the bags.

* * *

Eleanor kissed Mac on the head, leaning down to wrap her arms around him, "I missed you, my sweet boy."

"Aye, Mama, I ken. I missed ye too." Mac said.

Eleanor smiled at him, "Sweet dreams." She stepped aside to let Jamie give Mac a kiss goodnight, trading places to repeat the same to Sam.

She leaned down, "Thank you for being a very good boy for your Da who had his hands full with your sister. I'm so glad you stayed out of mischief."

"It wasna easy, Mama," Sam said, seriously and Eleanor fought her laughter,

"It never is, darling. That's called our sinful nature."

"But ye are never bad," Sam said, wide eyed.

"Oh my love," She kissed him again on the head, "Lord John would beg to differ. We all have it within us. I was not very kind to Papa at times on our trip. I was mad and I wanted to take it out on someone. The important thing to remember is that when you sin against someone, to apologize and try to make it right. Even adults have a hard time doing so. But I'm glad to know that you are trying hard." She kissed him one more time, "I missed you so much. You and Mac and Rosie and Hope. So very much."

"We missed ye too, Mama." Mac said.

"Aye, Mama. It is so much better when ye are here," Sam said.

"I'm glad to be back here," Ellie said, "Goodnight my loves. Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight, Mama," The boys whispered to her as Jamie snuffed out the candle in their room. He guided Ellie out the door, shutting it behind him.

He raised an eyebrow and titled his head, questioning.

Eleanor shrugged. "Needless to say, you should be very glad you are no longer married to me and John has to carry the responsibility to holding me to task when I don't act like the adult that I am."

He laughed, "Surely, ye were not that bad, lassie."

"I was pretty bad," Eleanor said, flushing. "I was just so frustrated at myself for everything."

Jamie reached out to squeeze her hand, "Ye mustn't be so hard on yeself, lass. Ye carry alot fer us all. I am realizin just how much."

"We should talk about Hope."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Come outside on the porch. Tis a fine night."

She nodded, "Let me just tell John where I'll be so he can keep his ear out for Hope and Rosie. They were both hard to settle."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Go on. I'll meet you out there."

She found John downstairs talking to Bree, Roger and Claire. She inclined her head and he stepped into the other room with her. "I'm going outside and talking to Jamie about Hope. Can you keep your ear out for the girls?"

"Of course," he said. "Do you want me to join you?"

"No, I don't think it is necessary unless you wish to."

"I trust you and Jamie," John said, his arms around her waist.

"I know you do," Eleanor said, kissing him. "I love you so very much. I was thankful for our time away, but being back with the kids..."

He leaned to kiss her, "I feel the very same," he assured her. "We are a family. And we all belong together."

She gave him one last kiss before reaching for her shawl and joining Jamie out on the porch, sitting in the rocking chair next to him.

They were quiet for a few minutes before Eleanor turned to him, "I'm so sorry about Hope, Jamie."

"Ye dinnae have to apologize to me aboot our daughter," Jamie said.

"No, but..." she paused, "If I had been honest from the start and allowed you access to Hope, then she wouldn't have been testing you so."

"I think she would have still been testin us," Jamie said, "She is two. But she said she was scarrit of me, mo ghraidh."

"Oh," Eleanor let out a long breath, "Jamie...I'm so sorry for that. I know how important it is for you to feel like your children respect you, but do not fear you."

"Aye, tis so," Jamie said. "Ye as weel. That is why the look ye gave me after what happened with Knox..." his voice trailed off. "I never wanted ye to fear the man I am, Eleanor. But perhaps ye should have."

"Jamie, no!" Eleanor reached out to put a hand on his arm. "I am not scared of you. I'm really not. And Hope...it's not about you, really. It's more about how...formidable you are in statue. You are so tall and solid and John is more..."

"Refined?"

"Well, yes, it is what she is used to in a father and that's okay. If she is scared of you, it is because she doesn't know you."

"It doesn't help I have to keep spanking her."

"Have you tried not?" Eleanor asked.

"Eleanor," Jamie grunted, "If she bites, then..."

"Here me out," Eleanor said, holding up her hand, "I think with Mac, Sam and Rosie, you have been the disciplinarian, but there _were_ moments of grace, Jamie. And she needs to see that gentleness and acceptance...and all she can see right now is that she keeps messing up and you keep punishing her. Break the cycle."

"She is two, Eleanor. Surely, she is not that astute..."

Eleanor laughed, "She is very smart, Jamie. Don't underestimate her."

"I would never underestimate a child of ours, lassie," Jamie said, wryly. "Especially since she most likely inherited yer canny mind."

"And my stubborn temper."

"I have been known to be a wee bit stubborn from times to times," Jamie said, with a chuckle.

"You don't say?" Eleanor asked, with mock astonishment.

He laughed harder. "It is verra fine to have ye back with us."

"And I am glad for it," she responded, softly, "But I think after Auntie's wedding, John and I need to go home to Virginia. We have been here for too long. William needs us too."

"Aye, I ken. I am sorry fer it though," Jamie said. "I am realizing how much I am missin being apart from the bairns."

"You have Claire and Bree and Jemmy now. And Fergus and Marsali and their ever growing brood."

"Aye, but our four...they are mine as weel. And they canna be replaced in my heart...I want to be their father, not just a few weeks out of the year, but in every day. Tis why it has been so difficult."

She looked at him, sympathetically, "I know, James. But I can't leave them here again. Not with everything going on. And...I...I need to be their mother as well."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, quietly, resigned, "I ken there is no solution. I let Bree go...and William. I just never wished..."

"We are still a family," Eleanor tried to force brightness into her voice, "that will never change, Jamie. I know this will be hard for all of us saying goodbye, but the goodbye isn't permanent." The minute she said it, a stricken look crossed her face, "Tryon has backed off, yes?"

"Aye, I think so," Jamie said, quickly, "Dinnae fash. Ye dinnae...what is it called again?"

"Jinxed us?"

"Aye, ye didn't jinx us. As ye said, tis temporary. I will come a visit Mt. Josiah soon. And in the meantime, we still have Auntie's wedding...and we should talk to Hope."

"Yes, we can together. Maybe if I reassure her about you, it would help. And maybe, you should find something to do with her, something that would make her trust you."

"Like what?" Jamie asked.

She shrugged, "I don't know. What do you think?"

He paused, contemplatively, "Eleanor?" his voice was low.

"Yes?"

"Today was warm. If tomorrow is warm too, how would ye feel if I took Hope swimming?"

The panicked quelled deep within Eleanor, her desperately trying to fight it down. She couldn't speak for a full minute before saying weakly, "Well, it would show her I do trust you."

He reached out for her hand, taking it in his, "If you...if it is too much to let me do so, then I willna be offended. I ken how much it affected ye what happened with Hope."

She bit her other thumb, chewing on it, "I'll be okay, Jamie. Do what you think is best for Hope."

"Ye could come in the water with us," Jamie offered.

She shook her head, "It needs to be Hope trusting you, James. She'll reach for my arms if I am there."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, "I just hate to feel that it will make ye feel so out of sorts while it is happening."

"I'll be okay," she repeated. "It's fine. Really. I mean...I am fearful of it, but...I'm fearful of alot of things, frankly."

He squeezed her hand, "I ken. But I have never wished ye to be so. I have always tried to protect ye from it."

She smiled at him, "I know you have...and I'm grateful for you...and John...and how well you care for my heart. But you take Hope swimming and I can talk to John while it is happening. He'll settle me if I get too anxious."

"Aye, he does have a way of soothing yer soul, doesn't he?" Jamie asked.

"Always has," Eleanor squeezed his hand and then dropped it. "I'm going to go back inside. But before I do, I just want you to know that...you are a good father, James Fraser. And I have no regrets about having our four beautiful bairns with you."

"That means alot, mo ghraidh."

"I just hate that you feel so regretful about everything," Eleanor said, hugging her shawl around her as she stood, "My bitterness, I used to want you to feel bad over it, but not anymore."

"Ye have changed, lass." Jamie said.

"I have," she said, "Goodnight, James."

"Sweet dreams, alainn Ros."

She smiled at his nickname for her and then went inside to find Lord John. And once again, peace filled her soul.

**A/N: **Thoughts?! I was going to include Jo's wedding in this chapter, but it got too long. :) Up next...Jo's wedding and Tryon and Ellie see each other once again.


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